Story 574: Hurkle-Durkle for Better Living

            (On a Sunday morning, Friend 1 wakes up in bed, turn slowly to a clock on the lamp table, and sees that the time reads 7:37 a.m.)

Friend 1: (Turns slowly back) Errrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh….  (Tries to fall back asleep and fails; turns back to the clock and sees that it reads 7:41 a.m.) Ugggggghhhhhh!!!!  The one morning a week that I can sleep in, and sleep has run away from me!  (Grabs a book from the lamp table and reads angrily) I refuse to get out of this bed before 9 a.m. on my day off!

10:30 A.M.

(Friend 1 sets aside a bowl of cereal on the lamp table to answer the ringing cell phone)

Friend 1: (Swallowing cereal) Helloooooo?

Friend 2: (Voice on the phone) Hey – I didn’t wake you, did I?

Friend 1: (Laughs guiltily) No, please, it’s… (Glances at the clock and cringes) so late in the morning, I’d better be up by now or else I’d be a lazy, lazy slacker with no meaning in life.

Friend 2: You’re eating breakfast in bed, aren’t you.

Friend 1: Yes.  (Collapses back onto the pillows) My shame knows no depths and I’m filled with self-loathing.

Friend 2: Calm down: there’s nothing wrong with sleeping in a bit and relaxing on your day off.

Friend 1: So says the person who, I can almost guarantee, has run five miles and cooked a week’s worth of meals by now.

Friend 2: ….

Friend 1: ….

Friend 2: …Regardless, everyone’s entitled to a hurkle-durkle now and then; it’s a good way to recharge the ol’ batteries.

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) A what-in-the-what-now?

Friend 2: Hurkle-durkle.  It’s a Scottish term from hundreds of years ago that’s become all the rage now, and basically means lying in bed after you’d usually get up, and doing practically nothing.  Well, you’re eating and probably reading, but the point is, you’re lounging about and relaxing, not doing chores or working or stressing yourself out like you usually do.

Friend 1: Really?  You don’t judge me as a lazy lump with no ambition or purpose, then?

Friend 2: Not for this.  (Friend 1 double-takes) A lie-in every so often never hurt anybody.  Been thinking about doing it myself lately, but I feel like I’d have to schedule it and that kind of defeats the point.

Friend 1: Way to rub your meaningful life in my face.

Friend 2: Hey, don’t blame your inadequacy on anyone but yourself.

Friend 1: Sorry.  So, my Sunday morning sloth is actually a good thing, huh?

Friend 2: Well, to a point.  You’ll need to get out of bed some time and start moving, or else this goes from hurkle-durkling to bed rotting.

Friend 1: Does bed rot lead to bed sores?

Friend 2: Extremely likely.

Friend 1: I’ll keep that in mind – you’ve been a big help, bye!  (Ends the call, drops the phone onto a pillow, and grabs the bowl of cereal and the book to resume relaxation until the phone rings again; Friend 1 taps the answer and the speaker buttons with a pinky) What, you’re interrupting my hurkling-durkling!

Friend 2: It’s hurkle-durkling – never mind; I actually had called you in the first place to ask if you’re going to our 20^th High School Reunion next month since the date’s finally been finalized.

Friend 1: (Freezes mid-chew) Oh.  That.

Friend 2: Yeah, it should be fun to see everyone again, right?

Friend 1: (Makes a face while swallowing) Oh yeah, I can’t wait to rub my inadequacy in their faces, it’ll be a blast!

Friend 2: You’re getting tiresome: I doubt you’d be the only person there dissatisfied with the way their life turned out.

Friend 1: (Sets the bowl and book down on the quilt) I know, but I’d be the only person there who couldn’t hide it.

Friend 2: I’ll need you to keep me company anyway: I can’t spend all night floating from group to group and then looking for a table to join like it’s the cafeteria on the first day of school all over again, that’s the worst!

Friend 1: Sorry to disappoint, but I already have plans to hurkle-durkle that night instead.

Friend 2: What?!  You don’t even know what date it is yet!

Friend 1: Too late: whatever date it is, my plans to hurkle the durkle are set in stone.

Friend 2: And another thing: you can only do that in the morning!

Friend 1: Oh really?  Show me the rule that says it, then!

Friend 2: There aren’t rules –

Friend 1: HA!

Friend 2: The whole thing is just to not get up right away after a full round of sleep!  The party is before sleeping!

Friend 1: Well maybe I refuse to adhere to tradition and instead will revolutionize the movement with my long-needed forward-thinking concepts!

Friend 2: You weren’t even aware this thing existed until 10 minutes ago.

Friend 1: And clearly, I am the savior its followers have been waiting for!

Friend 2: Whatever: I’ll send you the details and pick you up that night; just wear anything but pajamas and you’ll be fine, bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Lets the phone fall back onto the pillow, stares as the mess on the bed, sighs full-bodiedly, flings off the covers, and gets out of bed, grumbling) And just like that, the magic has run away from me, too.

Story 573: Unwittingly Sucked Into The Game

            (In a living room, Spouse 1 leans forward while sitting on the couch, intently watching a football game on the TV)

Spouse 1: (Flings arms up in the air in frustration just as Spouse 2 enters the room putting on a coat) NOOOOO!!!!  Why didn’t they stop him before he made the touchdown?!  What are they even doing out there?!  Why don’t they listen to me??!!

Spouse 2: (While putting on gloves) If it upsets you so much, why do you keep watching it?

Spouse 1: (Without looking away from the TV) Ah, you just don’t understand!

Spouse 2: I understand that it’s an obscene amount of money, time, and mental energy spent on what basically boils down to a bunch of full-grown adults chasing around a ball.

Spouse 1: But – strategy – skill – there’s more to it than that!  (Suddenly stands in horror) He missed it!  He can make a 50-yard field goal and whiffs a basic punt?!  ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!  (Clutches head in despair and collapses back onto the couch)

Spouse 2: (Sighs quietly) You realize you’re giving yourself a heart attack over something that doesn’t even directly affect you.

Spouse 1: (Speaks through hands still clutching head) I’m invested in the human drama of it all.

Spouse 2: Emotionally or financially?

Spouse 1: (Sits back up to watch the TV again) Both: the pool at work’s been getting intense lately.

Spouse 2: And the less I know about that, the better.

Spouse 1: Even without that, it’s, you know….

Spouse 2: What?

Spouse 1: The Thrill of The Game!  (They both watch as a play is made) INTERCEPTION-ARE-YOU-KIDDING-ME????!!!!!  (Grabs a pillow to stifle a scream)

Spouse 2: (Narrows eyes at the TV) Hm.  I can sort of understand how that’s frustrating to watch – that other guy’s teammates were no help at all.

Spouse 1: (Drops the pillow and stares at Spouse 2 in wonder) Yes!  Thank you!  That team has no strategy whatsoever – I’m amazed they even managed to score this season!

Spouse 2: And this is the team you’re rooting for?

Spouse 1: Yeah, well – habit.  (They watch another play; Spouse 1 gestures at the TV) No kidding, of course they’re going to do something reckless in the fourth down, they’ve got less than a minute left on the clock and still have nine yards to go!  (Whistle blows) Aaaaaaand another timeout – like that’s gonna do you any good, ya rookies!

Spouse 2: (Slowly sits on the couch next to Spouse 1, staring at the TV) So, if they actually run the nine yards in time, what does that do for them?

Spouse 1: At this rate they should either kick a field goal or go right for the end zone to make a touchdown and actually get in the lead, but let’s not hope for miracles here.  (A play, then another whistle) TWO FEET?!  HE MADE IT TWO FEET AND GOT DESTROYED?!  (Falls back onto the cushions and sobs)

Spouse 2: Yeah, that guy from the other team totally tripped him; that wasn’t very sporting.

Spouse 1: (Sits up again) What?

Spouse 2: (Points to the slow motion instant replay) See?  The other guy stuck out his foot and tripped him; very foul.

Spouse 1: (Fist pumps the air) Yes, a foul!  Ten-yard penalty, woo-hoo!

Spouse 2: That’s one way to get there.

Spouse 1: (After a few more plays) So, now they’re going to go for the three-point field goal since that’s the best shot they have right now even with the extra yardage literally handed to them.

Spouse 2: Ooh, if they make that will they win then?

Spouse 1: Oh no; we still got three quarters to go.  (They lean forward to watch the field goal kick; Spouse 1 stands in glee) Yes, it’s in!  They got it!

Spouse 2: Wow, it looked like it was veering way off at first, but made it in at the last second; good for that guy!  (As Spouse 1 sits down again) Now what?

Spouse 1: Now our team kicks off to the other team that’ll try to score all the way on the other side of the field – (Both stand as the play starts) He’s going for the touchdown right away, I don’t believe it!

Spouse 2: This is the other team though, right?  Should we be cheering or booing?

Spouse 1: I’m just in awe at the speed – nobody’s even close to catching up!  (The touchdown is made) No seconds to spare!  What a play!

Spouse 2: (As they both sit down again) Well, that was exciting.  What do they do now?

Spouse 1: Now?  Now it’s just getting interesting….

ONE HOUR LATER

(Whistle blows for another foul; Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 both groan in mental anguish while surrounded on the couch by bags of potato chips and pretzels, with several empty soda cans on a nearby table)

Spouse 2: (Coat and gloves were discarded long ago) What’d he do that for?!

Spouse 1: I know!  They never listen to me!

(The other team gets another touchdown)

 Spouse 1 and Spouse 2: (Simultaneously fling their arms up in the air and collapse back onto the couch) ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Spouse 2: If they attempt a two-point conversion, I am going to flip.  My.  Lid!

Spouse 1: (Checks papers) And I’ll be out 100 bucks!

(They both lean in toward the TV as the next play is being set up; Spouse 2’s cell phone suddenly rings)

Spouse 2: (Answers the phone without looking away from the TV) Not now, we’re in overtime!  (Ends the call and tosses the phone over a shoulder to land behind the couch)

(In a restaurant, a small gathering at a round table looks at Host who is on the phone; Host hesitates a moment before putting away the phone and forcing a smile at the others)

Host: Best not to wait any longer.

Others: Ah.  (They all dig into their cooling meals)

(In the living room)

Spouse 2: Another timeout?!  There’re two minutes left on the clock and they’re actually tied!

Spouse 1: (Speaks around biting on the TV remote) I know – the suspense is killing me!

Spouse 2: So what happens if the clock runs out and they’re still tied?

Spouse 1: Ah!  (Drops the remote in horror) Then both teams are out!  But – more importantly – our team is out!

Spouse 2: Well we can’t have that, now can we?!

Spouse 1: Absolutely not!

(During the next play, one of the players catches the ball and runs to the end zone; Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 stand in support)

Spouse 1 and Spouse 2: GO!  GO!  GO!  GO! –

Announcer: Touchdown!  And the game is finally over!

Spouse 1 and Spouse 2: YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!  (They jump up and down while hugging each other, cheering and weeping with joy; after a few minutes, they settle back down on the couch in exhaustion)

Spouse 2: (Almost out of breath) Wow.  I never realized how… exciting just watching sports could be!

Spouse 1: It’s never too late to become a fan!

Spouse 2: Especially now that they just won!

Spouse 1: (Picks up the papers again and starts entering notes with a pencil, wearing a wicked smile) Yes, now that we all just won.

Spouse 2: Hm?

Spouse 1: (Drops the papers and pencil down the side of a couch cushion) Never mind.

Spouse 2: So, now that they won, do they get to bask in the glory of their victory and ridiculous fortunes?

Spouse 1: For a little while, but not for long `cause now they get to advance to the playoffs next week, woohoo!

Spouse 2: Wait, this game wasn’t it?

Spouse 1: Wasn’t what?

Spouse 2: The game.  The last one.

Spouse 1: Oh, not at all: got the playoffs for a few weeks next, and whichever two teams survive those get to go to the Super Bowl.

Spouse 2: And then?

Spouse 1: And then that’s it.

Spouse 2: Oh thank goodness.

Spouse 1: For the season; then in the fall the new season starts and we get to do this all over again!  (Spouse 2 stares at Spouse 1) Isn’t it great?!

Spouse 2: I’m exhausted just thinking about the unending futility of all this – I’m going out, even though the people I was supposed to meet earlier probably never want to see me again.  (Grabs coat and gloves and leaves)

Spouse 1: (Shrugs and uses the remote to raise the volume on the TV) I should’ve mentioned the post-game analysis: that’s where armchair quarterbacking’s down to a fine art.

Story 572: Procrastination Is My New Best Friend

             (In an office cubicle, Coworker 1 types nonstop)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glancing at the time in the computer monitor’s lower right-hand corner, again; through clenched lips) How did I lose THREE HOURS?!!!  (A <DING!> is heard as a new e-mail arrives; Coworker 1 opens the message, scans though it, then leans forward to read it again in disbelief) Another five reports are due?!  When on Earth am I supposed to get those done????!!!!   (Nearly swoons off the chair)

(A voice is heard from above)

Voice: Or you could just, you know, not do them yet.

Coworker 1: (Whips head around in confusion, then looks up to see a figure casually draped across the top of one of the cubicle walls) Huh?

Procrastination: The extra work.  Just don’t do it yet.  Your current work could probably wait, too.

Coworker: Who – are – where – how – ?

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter.  (Nimbly vaults off the cubicle wall to sit on the edge of Coworker 1’s desk) Read the e-mail again – is there a hard deadline?

Coworker 1: (Looks back at the message) Ummm…. (Back to Procrastination) It says “ASAP”.

Procrastination: HA!  That’s just the higher-ups trying to make their problem your problem.  Set it aside; it’ll keep.

Coworker 1: But – what if my boss comes looking for these ASAP?

Procrastination: Then say you’re working on it.  If everyone starts getting antsy, you can add that the projects need to go through a few more iterations before they’re ready for launch; that oughta do it.

Coworker 1: (Starts taking notes and nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh; any other suggestions?

Procrastination: Oh yeah: like I said earlier, whatever you’re working on now, leave it for later.

Coworker 1: But I’ve been working on it all day –

Procrastination: Exactly: it’s probably garbage now, so go back to it when you’re fresh.  Like in a month or so.

Coworker 1: Really?

Procrastination: Yep!  In the wise words of the Bard of Avon, “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow”… will always be there, so why stress out today?

Coworker 1: I… don’t think that’s how the line goes….

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter: go take an hour-long 15, you deserve it!  (Disappears)

Coworker 1: Wha – ?

Coworker 2: (Peeks head around the cubicle opening) Hey: you off the phone now?

Coworker 1: I wasn’t on – never mind; what’s up?

Coworker 2: Just got the word that our self-evaluations are due Friday instead of next month `cause of some system glitch – you do yours yet?

Coworker 1: No.

Coworker 2: Well, I finally finished mine and it took forever, so I’d say hurry up since Friday’ll be here any minute.  (Trots over to the next cubicle to spread the happy news)

Coworker 1: (Looks over at the desktop calendar showing that the current day is Wednesday) Friday, hm?  Plenty of time….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At Coworker 1’s townhouse)

Coworker 1: (Sitting on the couch while talking on the phone) So the drafts through all the windows and doors are getting worse and every floor has got this weird leak going and I have no idea what that smell coming from the laundry room is and don’t get me started on the cracks in the walls that are cutting into the ceilings and I don’t even know where to begin!

Procrastination: (Pops into view on the other end of the couch) Then don’t.

Coworker 1: (Staring at Procrastination as the voice on the other end of the phone starts speaking) I’ve… gotta go.

Voice on the Phone: Wait, you need to get out of there immediately – !

Coworker 1: (Ends the call and drops the phone onto a cushion) All right, I’ll bite: what do you mean, “Don’t”?

Procrastination: Exactly that.  These problems have been there way before you noticed, and they’ll be there for a lot longer before the tipping point of permanent damage, so why worry about them now?  (Holds out a fishing pole) Haven’t you been wanting to go fishing on the lake for AGES?

Coworker 1: (Eyes widening, grabs the pole and runs) FISHING!

Procrastination: (As the front door slams) Heh-heh-heh – sweet.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a banquet hall)

Coworker 1: (Rushing in, sees Coworker 2 standing at a high top table and zooms over) Hi, sorry I’m late, didn’t account for rush-hour traffic, and gave myself nine minutes for a half-hour drive – did I miss anything?

Coworker 2: (Takes a swig of limeade while thinking) Whelp, only Jerry’s retirement speech – and a bunch of the food – and the 50-50 that’s 100% going to Jerry anyway –

Coworker 1: Great, it sounds like I missed most of the whole thing already!  Is the buffet still open at least?

Coworker 2: (Points with the glass) I think the other end hasn’t been taken down yet, so you might get a few mashed potatoes or some spinach or whatever.

Coworker 1: Errrrggghhhhh!  (Starts to dash over there but is stopped by a brief hand on the shoulder from Coworker 2) What?!

Coworker 2: Hate to bring this up, but did you drop off your gift yet?  `Cause I think they’re taking down that table now, too.

Coworker 1: (Smacks forehead) The gift!  I completely put off getting it, then forgot!

Coworker 2: Oh well, maybe you can mail it when Jerry moves to Florida tomorrow, but I don’t think anyone has the address.

Coworker 1: (Slumps onto the table) This just keeps getting more and more embarrassing!

Coworker 2: Yeah, not to rub salt in the wound either, but I think your name came up when Jerry was talking with our boss about those ASAP reports we got assigned a week ago, something about they’re still waiting for yours and it’s holding everything up, I didn’t catch all of it.

Coworker 1: (Lets head drop onto the table and moans into the cloth)

Coworker 2: (Finishes off the limeade and places the glass onto the passing tray of an efficient server) Yeah, hope you did your self-eval before that, heh-heh.

Coworker 1: (Head suddenly lifts) The self-eval!  (Runs out the door)

Coworker 2: (Starts working on a newly arrived plate of tiramisu) Hm – what a mess.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is sitting on the living room floor frantically searching through files in boxes when Procrastination appears ensconced in an armchair)

Procrastination: So!  That looks tedious – how about leave it for another day and watch some more episodes of your new favorite show instead?  You know you want to.

Coworker 1: (Stands and points an accusatory finger at Procrastination) You!

Procrastination: (Points to self) I?

Coworker 1: Yes!  My life is falling apart because of you!

Procrastination: Nonsense: your life was falling apart long before I showed up.  Don’t you feel the stress just melting off now that you’re no longer bound by other people’s arbitrary timetables and deadlines?

Coworker 1: No!  Because of you, I almost got fired; Jerry’s never going to speak to me again, either here or in Florida; the house is still falling apart at a rapidly increasing rate; and because I didn’t do my taxes in time, I’m probably going to jail!

Procrastination: Oh, that’s ridiculous.

Coworker 1: Is it?!

Procrastination: Yes.  You still worry over nothing: they’d charge you penalties for years before jail is ever presented as an option.

Coworker 1: Well!  That’s just a huge relief, now isn’t it!  (Collapses onto the floor, holds head, and makes upset noises into hands)

Procrastination: (Sighs in annoyance and tsks) If you’re going to take that attitude, then this isn’t going to be fun anymore.

Coworker 1: (Sits up suddenly and glares in fury at Procrastination) NO!  KIDDING!

Procrastination: (Stands and brushes hands dismissively) You know, I was trying to do you a favor, but since I can tell that my efforts aren’t appreciated, I’ll go help someone else who actually deserves it. (Disappears)

Coworker 1: GOOD!  Oh, gone.  (Stares at the files scattered on the floor, then feels a drop of water land on head; while brushing it off, looks up to see a new, spreading leak in the ceiling) Maybe I have it all wrong: maybe if I procrastinate forever, this can all become Someone Else’s Problem.

Story 571: Just an Everyday Quest

             (In a deep, dark, dank dungeon, a Mage, a Fairy, and a Demigod burst through the door and onto the staircase that leads down, down, down)

Mage: (After all three pick up themselves and their fantastical accessories) Right: we have our Quest and we know what to do about it, yes?  (Fairy raises a hand)  Yes?

Fairy: (Lowers hand) I forget: are we on the side of the heir-to-the-throne who was usurped and wants to restore law and order and peace throughout the land, OR are we on the side of the usurping monarch who also wants to restore law and order and peace throughout the land, and is backed by the army and actually better liked by the people so the usurped heir pressing a claim will only lead to conflict, destruction, and death?

Mage: We’re… hm, just a moment – (Checks through scrolls in a satchel) The first one.

Demigod: So does being on either side make us the bad guys no matter what?

Mage: Listen, that’s all just backstory: we’re on a Quest for… (Checks through scrolls again) just a moment –

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice booms through the whole dungeon) Can we get this Quest going sometime today?  The Game’ll be on the… scrying bowl in two hours.

Mage: (Shoves the scrolls back into the satchel and grasps a magical staff authoritatively) Yes of course, Extreme Sorcerer, Ruler of Our Fates: the Quest shall commence at once!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Great.  Proceed down the stairs, then.  (The three reach the bottom of the staircase) Now, there is a door in front of you. 

(A door appears)

Fairy: Ah!  There it is.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) You may go through it.

Demigod: (To Mage) You first.

Mage: If you insist.  (Gingerly opens the door, then peeks both ways down a long corridor faintly lit by torches) Am I seeing anything?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) I don’t know, are you?

Mage: (Slightly testy) You’re supposed to tell me, oh Master of Dungeons.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Oh right.  Let’s see…. Nope: all clear.  Continue proceeding.

Mage: (Sarcastically) Many thanks.

(All three tentatively exit the room into the corridor)

Fairy: Right or left?

Demigod: Does it really matter?  We’ll eventually wind up in the center room anyway.

Mage: Well, if we want to speed-run this thing, we should go left.

(They go left a few paces and turn a corner)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Aha!  You have chosen a treacherous path, for now the Ravenous Beast approaches!

(The Ravenous Beast suddenly appears in the corridor in front of the trio, then growls and waves limbs threateningly their way)

Mage: Oh, fiddlesticks – is this the time to use my All-Encompassing Wind Charm, then?

Demigod: I wouldn’t blow that on our first opponent; you might need it in the final boss battle.

Fairy: I have just the thing.  (Waves a leafy branch at the Ravenous Beast, creating a force that blasts the latter into oblivion) Heh-heh, I have all the protection powers.

Mage: Yeah, leave some for the rest of us.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Curses!  You defeated my first warrior, but there are more, ready and waiting to defeat you!

Demigod: Well, yes, otherwise this is basically a treasure hunt in a maze.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Behold!  A door to a room appears!

(A door appears)

Mage: Good, let’s make some actual progress here.

(They enter a large, seemingly empty room)

Mage: Sooooo… anything here?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Hm?  Oh, yeah, just a second.

(An ancient wardrobe and a massive table with a spell book and candles suddenly appear)

Fairy: Ooh, neat.  Can I go read the book?

Mage: No time for that; we need to find treasure.  (Speaks to the ceiling) Is there any treasure here?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) What, do I have to do everything for you?

Mage: Since you control this world, yes!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Oh.  Then no.

Mage: Drat.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Oops, almost forgot.

(Two Fighting Skeletons appear)

Mage: Are you kidding me?!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Go ahead – do your worst!

(The battle is long and fierce, but eventually the three compatriots triumph after heavy losses)

Mage: I can’t believe we’ve barely started and my power’s almost gone!

Fairy: Mine’s not so great either – can I reset somewhere?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) No!  But you can check if there’s something special for you in here.

Fairy: Neat.  (Goes to the spell book and pulls out a glowing spell) Awesome!  Infinity Healing!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) WHAT?!  Wait a minute, that’s not a thing!

Fairy: Is too, see!  (Holds up the spell)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Hm.  Well, I’m sure there’s something to undermine that, don’t you worry.

Demigod: Anything else here, or can we just leave?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Yeah, you might as well go; that room’s dry now.

(The three exit the room and continue down the corridor in the same direction they were heading before, then turn another corner)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Behold!  Another door appears – (A door to a room appears) and also this guy.  (The Gibbering Goblin appears at the end of the corridor) The Gibbering Goblin, a most fearsome foe!

(The Gibbering Goblin gibbers a bit, then turns and runs around the corner there)

Demigod: Oh no you don’t!  (Raises a giant club and begins to take chase)

Mage: STOP!  (Demigod skids to a stop) WHAT.  ARE YOU.  DOING?!

Demigod: Going after the fearsome foe.

Mage: A foe who is clearly luring you away from the group so we’re divided and weakened!

Fairy: Yeah, even I can tell that’s the play here, and I’m not too quick on the uptake.

Demigod: Can’t just let `em get away though; we’ll have to deal with `em eventually anyway.

Mage: Yes, eventually!  Together!  You go alone now, you’ll get taken out in two seconds – (Through clenched teeth) now-you-get-back-here!

Demigod: (Slumps in disappointment, then moves to rejoin the group) Oh all right –

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Not so fast!  (Demigod freezes) It’s not your turn anymore.

Demigod: Oops.

Mage: (To Demigod, teeth still clenched) Well-when-it’s-your-turn-you-get-back-here!

Demigod: Aye-aye.

Fairy: (Now sitting on the floor and playing with the leafy branch) Is it my turn?

Mage: ….

Demigod: ….

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) I lost track – someone go.  (Demigod starts to move) Not you!

Demigod: Right.

Mage: This is going to be a looooong Quest….

TWO HOURS LATER

(In the center room of the dungeon, Mage, Fairy, and Demigod do battle against the Gibbering Goblin, the Vexing Vampire, and the Repugnant Reaper)

Mage: (Brandishes the magical staff) At last!  I deploy the All-Encompassing Wind Charm to strike the final blow!  (Deploys the All-Encompassing Wind Charm at the Repugnant Reaper)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Ooh, nice try, but counteracted by the Immovable Object Spell! 

(The Repugnant Reaper remains immovable in the midst of the all-encompassing wind)

Mage: Hey!  That was the best – and last – spell in my possession, and now it’s just –  (Blows a raspberry) counteracted?!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Such is life.  Speaking of which, there goes yours.

Mage: Oh.  (Is unceremoniously felled by the Repugnant Reaper)

Demigod and Fairy: NOOOOOO!!!!!

Demigod: (Falls to knees next to Mage’s body) How can this be?!  We’re all together like you said, and you were still taken out in two seconds!

Mage: (Mutters) Quit it.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice): You’re up next, Demigod!  Let’s see if you can succeed where your all-powerful Mage could not, BWAHAHAHAHAHA – !

Demigod: (Stands again) Yeesh, take it down a notch.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Sorry: got a little carried away there.

Demigod: (Turns to face off against the Gibbering Goblin) Attack!  (Smites the Gibbering Goblin a powerful blow with the giant club)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Huh.  That was actually effective.

(The Gibbering Goblin is obliterated)

Demigod: (Raises the giant club in victory) Yesssss!!!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) BUT AT WHAT COST?!

Demigod: (Lowers the giant club) Huh?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) That last attack drained all your remaining power, so you now have zero defenses, my friend!

Demigod: <Gulp!>

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) And now!  Can you defeat THE VEXING VAMPIRE?!

(Demigod and the Vexing Vampire mutually destroy each other)

Demigod: (Falls to the floor next to Mage) Dang it.

Mage: Want a pillow?

Demigod: I’m good, thanks.

Fairy: (Twirling the leafy branch lazily through the air) Is it my turn?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Yes.  You’re the only player left.

Fairy: Sweet.  (Points the leafy branch at the Repugnant Reaper and zaps the latter) Take that! 

(The Repugnant Reaper remains as-is)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Aha!  No effect!  And now, adventurer, time to MEET YOUR DOOM!

Mage: (Covers eyes) I can’t watch.

(The Repugnant Reaper slowly reaches out to Fairy)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Behold!  The Unavoidable Curse that is… THE FINALITY FINISHER!  AHAHAHAHAHA – !

Demigod: Seriously dude, you’re enjoying this way too much.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) SILENCE, FALLEN HERO!  Ahem.  THE FINALITY FINISHER! 

(The Repugnant Reaper channels that curse at Fairy)

Fairy: (Holds up the glowing spell as a shield) INFINITY HEALING!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Oh rats, I forgot you had that one.  BUT IT CAN ONLY BE USED ONCE, MWAHAHA – !

Fairy: Nah-uh, `cause it’s Infinity, I can use it forever!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Hang on.  (Sounds of pages turning) ...Hang on.  (Sounds of pages turning) Aha, yes!  You can’t use it when – oh wait, we’re not doing that storyline.  (Sounds of pages turning) …Hang on –

Fairy: (Bobbing up and down in excitement) So do I win?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Hang on –

Mage: (Abruptly stands, followed by Demigod) Oi!  Did Fairy win or what?!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) (Sounds of pages spilling to the floor) No fair, no fair, you can’t win by just… not-dying!  You didn’t truly defeat your opponent in battle!

Fairy: Yes I did – by not-dying, my opponent finally gave up and I win!  (Points to the Repugnant Reaper, who has been shuffling off back into the corridor)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) (To the Repugnant Reaper) You get back in there this instant!  (The Repugnant Reaper waves off Extreme Sorcerer and continues down the never-ending corridor) Unbelievable!  The most powerful players were destroyed, and the weakest one wins by doing practically nothing?!

Fairy: Such is life!  (Suddenly serious) I want my treasure now.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Ugh, fine: here.  (A giant ruby appears in the middle of the room) All yours.

Fairy: (Takes the ruby reverently as Mage and Demigod look on in awe) Wow.  (Turns to the other two while shoving the ruby into a satchel) I accept this treasure on your behalf: it rightly belongs to all of us.  But I’m keeping it.

Mage: By all means.  Well-fought, young adventurer; well-fought.

Demigod: Aye.  You did us proud and made our embarrassing defeat worth it in the end.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) (Disgusted) Whenever your mutual-admiration fest is over, make sure you clean up this dungeon on your way out – I want it spotless before the next Quest, because I am not dealing with a repeat of today’s disaster, understood?

Mage, Demigod, and Fairy: (Directed to the ceiling) Oh yes, Extreme Sorcerer!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Good.  Now, don’t bother me for the rest of the night.  (Footsteps recede and a distant door shuts as Extreme Sorcerer travels to the scrying bowl to witness The Game)

Mage: (To Fairy and Demigod in the now-empty dungeon) I think this all this effort calls for pizza, don’t you?

Fairy and Demigod: Huzzah!

Story 570: New Year, New Meh

            (On a park bench on a clear, cold day, Friend 1 sits staring into space)

Friend 2: (Finishes a run, then sits next to Friend 1) So: any reason why you’re not at least attempting to get some exercise today?  I thought one of your New Year’s resolutions was to have healthier habits or something like that.

Friend 1: Oh, it was.

Friend 2: And?

Friend 1: And then I realized: what’s the point?

Friend 2: …Better health?

Friend 1: For what?

Friend 2: …Longer life?

Friend 1: For what?

Friend 2: …Better life?

Friend 1: For what?

Friend 2: Listen, you’re getting on a morbid track here and it’s bumming me out.  Are you feeling all right?

Friend 1: (Finally turns to Friend 2) No, actually: as I stare down the waterslide that is January 2 of a new year, the futility of human endeavors has hit me like a figurative and literal sledgehammer, and I have lost the drive to exercise.  Or move in general.

Friend 2: With anyone else, I’d say you sound like you may have clinical depression and should speak with a mental health professional about how you’re feeling – however, since this is you, I know you’re just being overly dramatic and need to knock it off.

Friend 1: You’re right, but for some reason it’s taking a bit longer than usual to blow over, so bear with me.

Friend 2: (Stands abruptly) Nope!  This is a beautiful day, the start of a new year, where you have so many blessings in your life and whatever you wish was different is in your power to change, and I refuse to waste another second of my precious time on Earth listening to your faux pontifications on how meaningless it all is when I know they’re only symptoms of your self-inflicted boredom.  (Takes a candy bar out of a coat pocket and tosses it to Friend 1) Here – (Friend 1 catches the bar) have some chocolate: it seems to be your go-to for everything else, so it should help out now; I’m out.  (Resumes running)

Friend 1: (Stares at the candy bar for a few moments, slowly unwraps it, takes a bite, and chews thoughtfully while looking out at the ducks paddling around in a nearby pond, the bare trees swaying gently in the wind, the other human parkgoers walking, playing, or relaxing, and the grass hibernating) Worth it.

Story 569: The Pre-New Year Lull

             “Well, that’s it: the ordeal known as The Most Wonderful Time of the Year is finally over, and now at last there is peace on my Earth, and goodwill toward me.”

“That’s the spirit.  So, you gonna relax now that you’re done with entertaining all the relatives?”

“And leave this mess?!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“You know, I had to run around so much visiting everyone for Christmas and Hanukkah parties this year that it’s actually more relaxing to go back to work.”

“I agree: between visiting the kids, the grandkids, the in-laws, and the divorced relatives I still like, I think I tacked 100,000 miles on the car in the space of two days – it’s a phenomenon.”

“I wouldn’t know: I had to take buses, trains, and cabs everywhere.”

[Mutual shudder]

“Yeah, I’ll take driving in bumper-to-bumper traffic over riding with strangers any day.”

“I wish I had that option.  Anyway, after all the hullabaloo of mass transportation and making merry with everyone I’ve ever met in my life, I’m now going to spend my off-hours lounging around doing absolutely nothing.  Figure I should recover just in time for summer.”

“Good on you.  So, any New Year’s Eve parties you got planned for tomorrow night?”

“…NEW YEAR’S EVE IS TOMORROW NIGHT???!!!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“If I even see another baked good, candy cane, roasted roast, or cup of hot cocoa with those cute little marshmallows on top, I will literally burst at the seams.”

“Ew.”

“I know; I feel that gross right now.  I keep telling myself I won’t overdo it this year, but I’m usually saying that in my brain right as my hands are piling up the second plate of appetizers, so it’s already a lost cause at that point.”

“I hear ya: I’m hoping this constantly full feeling for the next two weeks will finally drive home the lesson not to do that ever again, and remind me to send a donation to the local food bank.  The lesson part probably will fail, but hope springs eternal.”

“Nice.”

“You gonna try the diet again this New Year?”

“You know it: healthier food, more water throughout the day, and home workouts with outdoor walk, weather-permitting.”

“That’s great!... Whaaaaat are you doing?”

“January 1 is only a few days away, and if I don’t eat these homemade cookies now they’ll go bad and it’ll be such a waste!”

“….”

“….”

“Need some help with those?”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“So we’ve got a few days left – make any New Year’s resolutions?”

“A few; my usual.”

“Really?  What are they?”

“If I tell you, they won’t come true!”

“That’s birthday wishes – resolutions are all on you.”

“Oh.  Right.”

“Well?”

“Oh, I usually resolve to be kinder, more patient, more generous with my time and help, that sort of thing.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yeah, it lasts for about five seconds and then I lose my temper and don’t want to help anybody, so my New Year looks like my Old Year almost immediately.”

“Bummer.  Maybe work on that next year.”

“Very funny.  What about you?”

“Oh, I resolve to enjoy the last days of the waning year as we straddle the nebulous not-quite-this-year/not-quite-next-year zone, which means I can do whatever I want and it won’t count because the year’s almost-but-not-yet-over.”

“Ohhhhhh-kaaaaaay, but what about your resolutions for next year?”

“That’s future me’s problem – present me wants to watch this year slowly crash into the next, like a stellar collision of time.”

“So, basically, no resolutions to be a better person.”

“Exactly.  Happy Old Year!”

Story 568: Hunting for THE Gift

             (In a living room)

Parent: (Addressing two preteen children; all three are bundled up in winter coats, hats, and gloves) All right, kiddos: I know this is the first day of your interminably long Winter Break and you’d rather being doing anything else right now, including homework, BUT it’s also the last weekend before Christmas and another December has passed me by in spite of the wall calendar in my face every morning, so now we all must suffer one long day of shopping instead of spreading it out across three weekends.  You have your assigned lists at the ready?  (Each child holds up a large piece of paper full of writing on both sides, and nods) OK then.  (Shoves on a knitted cap with earflaps) To the mall!

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh….

(Hours later in the mall, the family members regroup near the food court)

Parent: (Checking Child 1’s shopping bags against the corresponding list) It clearly says “Twenty 3 ounce candles” not “Three 20 ounce candles” – now go back and get the right ones!

Child 1: (Gasps and falls to knees) No, don’t send me back in there, I’m begging you!  The line went through the entire store and the smell of patchouli was everywhere, just everywhere!

Parent: (Disgusted) Get up.  (Child 1 stands) Fine, I’ll exchange them myself, but first we need to move on to pajamas and slippers so we’ll circle back to your failure later.  (To Child 2) Open up.  (Child 2 holds open the bags as Parent quickly scans through them and the list) Sufficient, but we’ll have to make sure that cousins from the same side of the family don’t get the same toy cars and action figures that you lazily snatched up multiple times.

Child 2: (Looks down into the bags) Oops.

Parent: (Checks own list and bags) OK, only 23 more stores to go and then we can move on to the sugar gifts.

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh …

(Hours later in the mall parking lot, all three are carrying many shopping bags on all limbs and balanced on their heads)

Parent: (Talking around the piles of bags) Whelp, in spite of ourselves, we’re almost done: just need the one gift that Grandmama specifically asked for, and we’re all set for the year.

Child 1: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Yeah, I checked every store I was in and didn’t see it anywhere.

Child 2: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Same.

Parent: (Dumps the bags into the car’s trunk and the passenger and back seats; Child 1 and Child 2 do the same) Not to worry: I know plenty of stores that should carry it.

Child 1 and Child 2: (Turn to each other and mouth “Should?”)

Parent: (As they pile into the car and squeeze themselves between bags) You all buckled in?  (The tops of two heads nod) And away we go!  (Burns rubber while merging into the mile-long line out of the mall parking lot)

(At the next store)

Parent: (Rummaging through the shelves) That’s not it – that’s not it – that’s not it –

Child 1: Should we check another aisle?

Parent: (Distractedly while trying to stick head into the recesses of a shelf) No, this would be the one….

Shopper: (To Child 2) Excuse me, you waiting on line?

Child 2: Thank goodness, no.  (Steps aside for Shopper to stand at the end of the line to the cash registers located at the other end of the store)

Parent: (Pulls back out of the shelf and scratches head in befuddlement) I don’t understand; where could it be?

Child 1: Maybe they don’t carry it here anymore.

Parent: I’m starting to think that, but what boggles the mind is why they don’t carry that when they carry all these – (Shakes a nearby display, nearly knocking a few items to the floor) that go with it?!

Child 1: …Marketing confusion?

Parent: Apparently.  All right, we’ve wasted enough of our lives here – onward!  (Leads Child 1 and Child 2 to cut across the register line looping back on itself several times as they exit the store)

Employee: (From the register near the entrance/exit) Hey!  (All three stop and turn) You’re leaving without buying anything?!  (The entire line of customers becomes silent)

Parent: Doooooo I have to?

Employee: Well – no….

Parent: Then yes.  (Leaves with Child 1 and Child 2)

Employee: (In a small voice) But it just isn’t done….

(Hours and 15 stores later)

Parent: (Hangrily crouched over the car’s steering wheel while barely moving through bumper-to-bumper traffic) I can’t believe not one of those stores have it!  I mean, I can believe it, but I really, really don’t want to!

Child 2: (Checking on a cell phone) Hey, this says that the Micro Save Mart nearby might have it.

Parent: That dinky little village shop!  I laugh at the mere suggestion, ahahahaha – cough-cough-cough-!  (Takes a few moments to recover from self-induced coughing) Besides, even if there was the remotest possibility that they have it, the store’s in the complete opposite direction from where we’re heading, and there’s no way I can make a legal U-turn in this traffic.

Child 1: (Excitedly) So, we go back home for dinner and finally give up on getting it –

Parent: NEVER!  (Suddenly yanks the steering wheel to veer out of the lane, over a grassy embankment, and into a strip mall to make a U-turn the hard way)

(Hours later in the new store)

Child 1: (Looking around at the winter wonderland on display) Wow, this place is kinda neat.

Parent: No sightseeing – we’re on serious business here!  (Purposefully strides up and down several aisles, then skids to a stop in front of a small display) This is it.  At long last, this is it.

Child 2: Success?

Parent: (Gingerly takes an item from the display) I’m only hesitating in saying “Yes” because once I say it out loud, this might disappear.

Child 1: But you just did.

Parent: That was a hypothetical quote.  (Possessively hugs the item, then notices Child 1 and Child 2 staring in judgmental anticipation) But all right: yes.

Child 1: (Fist pumps) Woohoo!  Let’s get on line before the store closes.

Child 2: (As they search for the end of the line) Don’t worry: all stores everywhere are open late today, those are the rules.

Child 1: Yeah, and do you even know what time it is right now?!

Child 2: Oh.  (Checks watch) Ohhhhhh....

Child 1: Exactly.

(On the car ride home, surrounded by shopping bags; THE gift has pride of place buckled into the passenger seat with the bags previously there either on top of the ones that were piled up on the floor or on top of Child 1 and Child 2 in the backseat)

Parent: Well kiddos, it was a long, hideous struggle and a battle hard-fought, but in the end we were triumphant.  I hope you two learned valuable life lessons today.

Child 1: Don’t do all your gift-shopping on the weekend before a major holiday?

Child 2: Pack snacks no matter how long you think you’ll take?

Child 1: Don’t buy so much extra stuff for people who already have extra stuff?

Child 2: Consumerism is a social construct and we shouldn’t even be buying stuff that does nothing to nourish the soul?

Parent: Yes, yes – also, if Grandmama suddenly doesn’t want the gift after all that, I’m disinheriting myself.

Story 567: How Many People Does It Take to Put Up a Christmas Tree?!

            (In the living room of a house, a large crowd has gathered)

Father: (Standing at one end of the room to address the multitude) All right, folks, it’s time to get serious: we are putting up the Christmas tree today, and this year, we’re doing it right.  (Slices open a large cardboard box filled with tree parts) Now: (Points to the box) tree – (Points to several more boxes on the couch) extra lights – (Points to many, many other boxes piled throughout the room and spilling out into the hallway) ornaments and winter wonderland paraphernalia.  I want everything up and twinkling, sparkling, or otherwise holly-jollying within the afternoon before even the thought of dinner crosses anyone’s frontal lobes.  I will not have a repeat of last year’s debacle, where the so-called “Easy Peasy Twee Tree” that was guaranteed to be up and running in 10 minutes, instead took seven-and-a-half hours, thanks to multiple unauthorized breaks and other shenanigans that will no longer be tolerated.

Child 1: But Dad, the game was on!

Father: (Faces Child 1 with unleashed wrath) I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE GAME.

Child 1: (In breathless horror) Heresy….

Father: (Back to the rest of the crowd) This beauty is pre-lit and the extra lights are back-up only, so no excuses that all the strings were tangled or one bulb was burned out, understand?  (The others nod) OK, I think that covers everything: let’s get to it!

(Everyone scatters to assemble the tree and decorate the living room and any other area that can fit a knickknack)

Child 1: (Digging through mounds of tissue-paper-wrapped ornaments in a large container) Can I put the star on top?

Child 2: (Holding the bottom section of the tree as Father attaches the upper layers) Is it a star this year or Santa?

Father: (Finishes attaching the tree parts and moves on to plug the lights into multiple outlets on a cord) Neither: this year we’re putting the light-up angel on top if I can find where to plug it into the other end of this thing.

Cousin: (Holding up a nutcracker soldier) Where does this fella go?

Father: (Stringing garlands around the tree) Anywhere you find an open space!  (Cousin shrugs and plops it onto the dining room table)

Aunt: (Hanging a handmade ornament on a tree branch) Aw, I remember when one of you kids made this in art class; you were so little and cute then, how long ago was that?

Child 2: (Taking ornaments from a box at the top of a ladder) Thirty-six years.

Aunt: ...Well I sure feel old now.

Uncle: (Taps Father on the back and holds up a train engine when the latter turns around) You want me to set up the tracks around the tree; next to the tree; nowhere near the tree; what?

Father: (Adding a string of very old bubble lights around the tree’s center) Those can be set up in the corner where you got the boxes.

Uncle: Got it.  (Goes back to the corner to secretly play with the trains)

Father: (Steps back to observe the others work for a bit) Good-good, but we need to step up the pace if we’re going to get through all these boxes at a decent hour.  (Flips the lid off another one and flings ornaments wrapped in tissue paper onto a nearby armchair)

Neighbor: (Holds up a small box) Want me to start hanging up the candy canes?

Father: (Looks up suddenly) Not now!  They go on at the very end, no matter what!

Neighbor: (Gently sets the box onto a small table) OK.

Father: (Hands over a box from within the larger box) Here: you can hang up the ornaments from in there, but make sure you keep them close together on the tree because it’s a theme.

Neighbor: (Whispers to the box while going to the tree) No pressure….

Mail Carrier: (Holding a smaller box while methodically hanging ornaments on the tree) You know, this takes me back to when I was a wee one –

Father: (Hooks legs halfway up the ladder and dangles upside down to reach a tricky open spot on the tree) LESS YAPPING, MORE DECORATING!

Mail Carrier: Rude.

Priest: (Arranging a tableau of snow families and elves on the coffee table) I feel obligated to ask if there is a nativity scene tucked away in all this… Christmas?

Father: (Still hanging upside down; holds a branch in mid-swing to reach an inner alcove in the tree) Uh, yeah, that.... Sorry, no room at the inn!

Priest: That’s certainly the ultimate irony.

Father: (Manages to slither into the tree and surveys the room from there, moving aside overburdened branches to look; spots a few loafers sitting on the couch) I want every single person in this house putting up decorations at all times until I say we’re finished, do you hear me?!

Mother: (Passing through the living room with a cup of tea and a book; stops in front of the tree and glares at Father’s eyes through the branches) I beg your pardon?

Father: Not you – the outdoor decorations count as time served.

Mother: How generous of you.  (Continues onward to the bedroom to hibernate)

Father: (Sees an empty space inside the tree, reaches an arm out to pluck an ornament from a nearby box, and whispers while hanging it onto the tiny spot on a branch) I have you now.... (Scrambles out of the tree once that is done and checks everyone’s progress) Hold it!  (Everyone freezes while Father walks around the tree and checks the entire surface area, muttering all the while) Over forty years of ornaments; candy canes; extra-extra lights…. (Stops to face the tree from the front) I think the tree… is done.

Fellow Bus Commuter: (Holding up an angel) Wait a minute, what about the angel?

Father: (Gasps in horror) The angel!  (Grabs it out of Fellow Bus Commuter’s hand, frantically climbs the ladder, finds a free plug, attaches it to the angel, and shoves it onto the top of the tree) All right, light it up!  (As Father climbs down the ladder, Child 1 plugs in the main power cord and the tree glows in welcoming warmth; Father stands back and stares at the tree, moved to tears) We did it, we actually did it, it’s done and it’s not even night yet –

Child 2: (Holds up an ornament) Hang on, I just found one more that must’ve fallen out earlier –

Father: I SAID IT’S DONE!