Story 366: The Sleep Stealer

 (Sibling 1 is sitting at a kitchen table and working on a laptop while surrounded by piles of paper when the phone rings)

Sibling 1: (Hits a button on the phone to answer the call on speaker) Yo.

Sibling 2: Well, hello to you, too.

Sibling 1: Sorry – doing another all-nighter for work.  If I keep going without breaks, I can be done in… (Checks watch) two weeks.

Sibling 2: Ouch.  I won’t keep you long – just checking if you wanted to drive when we go to the concert on Saturday.

Sibling 1: (Stops mid-type) Oh.  That’s this Saturday?

Sibling 2: Yes, and you’re still going, work or nay.  And that settles it: I’m driving.

Sibling 1: Oh, thanks.  It’ll be good to do something sort-of real for a change: I’m either working all the time or collapsed on the couch watching anything for hours just so I don’t think about having to get up for work soon.

Sibling 2: Well, don’t forget to squeeze in some sleep there.

Sibling 1: Hah-hah, sleep: what’s that and who needs it?

Sibling 2: Something necessary for good health, and everybody.

Sibling 1: Huh?

Sibling 2: I’m serious: not getting enough sleep is bad for you, and if you keep not getting enough then your body’s gonna snatch some wherever it can.

Sibling 1: (Typing nervously) You make it sound like a thief.

Sibling 2: Been finding yourself taking random naps lately, especially when you want to stay awake?

Sibling 1: …I thought that was a part of old age.  You know, how old people keeping falling asleep whenever and wherever, `cause they’re old?  I figured I’ve joined their ranks.

Sibling 2: That’s different, and you really aren’t old enough for that yet.

Sibling 1: Depends on the era and society you ask.

Sibling 2: Look, just try to get at least seven hours of sleep –

Sibling 1: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Sibling 2: – and you’ll feel, and work, so much better, trust me.  And if you don’t, your body’s gonna steal that sleep on you any way it can get some.

Sibling 1: I’ll keep that in mind when I reply to its ransom note; see you on Saturday, byeeeee!  (Hits the phone to disconnect the call)

Sibling 2: (Mutters while setting down the phone to resume video game play) Better not keel over during the concert; I am not picking you up off that disgusting floor.

(Sibling 1 continues to work, as each hour marches regularly past.  After a long blink, the word “fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff” fills the screen)

Sibling 1: Hm.  (Highlights and deletes that section)  Wonder when that happened?  (Blinks and sees that word fill the screen again) Oh come on, don’t tell me the computer’s broken, that’s the trash icing on the garbage cake of my life!  (Highlights and deletes that section, then types slowly without incident) OK.  OK.  Must’ve been a fluke.  (Hears a faint, sinister giggle, and freezes) Hello?  (Silence) Is there a freeloader ghost hanging around here?  (Grabs a baseball bat that was left on the kitchen counter and combs the apartment, but sees no one) You know, if you’re gonna interrupt me like that you should at least have the common courtesy to either show yourself or clean up this mess around here!

(Tosses away the bat, finishes work for the night, and settles on the couch in front of the television with a satisfied sigh at 2:00 a.m.)

Sibling 1: (Navigates menus with the remote) At last, my reward: two episodes of my favorite retro sitcom oughta do it.  (Watches the first 15 minutes, blinks, and sees the end credits scrolling by at light speed) Hey!  What happened to the rest – did they edit it out for commercials?!  (Navigates with the remote and sees that the entire episode had aired) No it didn’t – (Sees the time displayed on the television is 2:30 a.m.) Oh come on, don’t tell me the TV’s broken, I’ll just dissolve!  (A faint, sinister giggle echoes through the living room; Sibling 1 warily turns off the television) Maybe I’ll just go to bed now instead.

(At an office the next day, Sibling 1 is sitting in a conference room with coworkers for a meeting)

Presenter: While this next slide is a bit dry, it does give a good overview of how our sales this last quarter were the absolute worst –

(Sibling 1 nods, blinks, and notices a sudden, sharp pain)

Sibling 1: Huh?  (Looks down at right foot and sees neighboring Coworker’s foot crushing down on it)

Presenter: Yes?  You have a question?

Sibling 1: Um… I was just wondering… what’s the meaning… of it all?

Presenter: Excellent!  That’s exactly what my next slide covers!

(After the meeting, the attendees leave in groups)

Sibling 1: (Whispering to Coworker) Hey: did you mean to pulverize all the bones in my foot earlier or was that just a “Whoopsie”?!

Coworker: (Whispering) I did you a favor – you totally fell asleep back there!  Normally I’d’ve joined you, but I’ve been too irritated all day to be that relaxed.

Sibling 1: What’re you talking about?  I was awake the whole time!

Coworker: Then you were doing fantastic performance art as someone with their eyes closed and snoring.

Sibling 1: Nah-uh, you’re imagining things!

Coworker: The entire table was staring at you!  Good thing our manager’s out today or they’d’ve flipped out!

Sibling 1: But I couldn’t’ve – I was awake for the whole – I heard every –

Coworker: Whatever.  You’re welcome, and you owe me.  (Leaves)

Sibling 1: (Sits back down on one of the conference room chairs) But I couldn’t have been asleep, I remember…. (Hears a faint, sinister giggle and looks around, agitated) What?!  Did the daycare here finally revolt?!

(At the concert on Saturday, the audience members who are able are on their feet and singing with the band)

Sibling 2: (Shouting to be heard) I don’t know why I pay all this money to hear us sing with them, when I could do the same thing at home and have them all to myself for free!  (When there is no response, turns to see Sibling 1 swaying slightly in place with eyes closed) Hey, you hear?  Or here?!  (Flicks Sibling 1 in the ear)

Sibling 1: Ow!  Quit it, I’m watching the show!

Sibling 2: Are you?!  What song did we all just sing?

Sibling 1: (Rubbing ear) Ummm…. “Baby I Got You But Now What?”

Sibling 2: That was half an hour ago!

Sibling 1: …It sticks with you.

Sibling 2: I told you sleep’s gonna get you if you don’t get enough!

Sibling 1: I thought it was my body that’s going to get the sleep if I didn’t get enough?

Sibling 2: You know what I mean!

(In the midst of the screaming crowds, Sibling 1’s eyes start twitching as the faint, sinister giggle is heard)

(The next afternoon, Sibling 1 stretches out on the couch with a book and a blanket)

Sibling 1: Aaaah, that brief window of time in the week where I have zero obligations – I can’t wait to read my first book in 10 years.  (Turns around the book to read the back cover)

Back Cover: Our main character may be physically confined to a wheelchair, but the heart, mind, and soul yearn to one day explore the vast reaches of outer space….

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, nerd.  (Blinks, then sees a streetlight shining in through the window; sits up suddenly in the darkened living room) Whoa!  Did Krakatoa erupt again?!  (Turns on a lamp and sees a figure sitting on the other end of the couch) Ah!  Home invader!

Sleep Stealer: Not exactly.  I’ve been with you a long while now.

Sibling 1: …Stalker?

Sleep Stealer: No!  I’ve been giving you the sleep you so desperately need.

Sibling 1: <Gasp!>  You’ve been drugging me?!

Sleep Stealer: (Sighs bodily) Seems the deprivation has made your brain reach the Stupid Stage.  Your sleep for the past year has been dreck, so I had to step in and take it for you; whenever, wherever, doesn’t matter: you’re getting it.

Sibling 1: (Clutches the blanket to chest) Oh I don’t think so, meddler!  I sleep on my schedule, got it?!

Sleep Stealer: Uh-huh.  Left to your schedule, you’ll be sleeping zero hours a day soon.

Sibling 1: Good!  I hate sleep – it cuts into my work productivity and my “me” time!

Sleep Stealer: I see extreme measures are needed.  (Slaps an alarm onto Sibling 1’s wrist)

Sibling 1: (Staring at the alarm in horror) What the blazes is this?!

Sleep Stealer: Your salvation.  It will ensure that you fall asleep no matter what at exactly 11:00 every night, and wake up at exactly 7:00 the following morning.  Naps are optional.

Sibling 1: (Struggles to remove the alarm) WHAT?!  You can’t do that!  What if I’m out driving?!

Sleep Stealer: Since when have you been out driving during those hours?

Sibling 1: All right, fine, but what if I’m at a family thing, or, you know....

Sleep Stealer: Working?

Sibling 1: No….

Sleep Stealer: Watching TV?

Sibling 1: Just a little…

Sleep Stealer: Reading?

Sibling 1: (Picks up the book) I did just start this bestseller!  (Opens to a random page) Wow, this is super long!

Sleep Stealer: You’ll find the time.  And you’ll thank me for it when you start feeling better, and don’t see me anymore.  (Disappears)

Sibling 1: If I don’t see you anymore how can I thank you for it?!

(Several weeks later, Sibling 2 calls Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Hi, how’re you feeling?

Sibling 1: (Serenely ensconced on the bed) Better than I have in years.  I’m finally back to a regular eight-hour sleep schedule, and everything in my life’s now falling into place: I feel happier, my memory’s improved, my blood pressure’s lower, I lost some weight, I’m watching less TV and reading more books, and I’m actually getting more stuff done at work than when I was working all day and all night.

Sibling 2: That’s great!  I told you getting more sleep would help!

Sibling 1: Yes, you were right, gloat away.  (Alarm beeps) And that’s my cue to get some shut-eye!

Sibling 2: But it’s 3 in the afternoon.

Sibling 1: I’ve also discovered that scheduled naps are a blessing and a joy that all should partake in if they can.  With all this reversion to childhood behaviors, I think I may have found the key to eternal youth!

Story 330: Trying a New Sleep Schedule

          (In a department store, Coworker 2 is yawning at the customer service desk as Coworker 1 arrives)

            Coworker 1: Gooooood morning!  And how are we this fine day?

            Coworker 2: (Blinks groggily at Coworker 1) I’m sorry, did you come to the right building?

            Coworker 1: Silly-billy!  (Inhales deeply and exhales resoundingly) Ahhhh, isn’t it such a joy to be alive?  (Begins sorting through reshelves that are piled in large towers around them)

           Coworker 2: Are you sure you know you’re at work and not, I don’t know, the Bahamas, or the Alps, or the amusement park?  The store just opened and we’re already 10 years behind in projects, plus we have to start prepping for inventory at some point this afternoon, or did you forget that monstrosity as well?

           Coworker 1: Oh, inventory: what a great process to ensure our records match up with our stock.  (A bus-load of children enter the store) Oooh, young ones!  How their enthusiasm and destructive behavior revitalize my soul!

           Coworker 2: (Grabs items out of Coworker 1’s hands and slams them messily onto the counter) All right, spill it: did you take something before you clocked in today?  As in, something harmfully joy-inducing?

             Coworker 1: Whatever do you mean, ol’ chum of mine?

            Coworker 2: You’re never this happy when you’re here, and all of a sudden you’re treating this place like it’s Heaven.  And we are not friends, at all – you barely say “Hi” and “Bye” to me each day, and the feeling’s mutual.  Are you dying and just now appreciating life in all its glory?

          Coworker 1: Wow, that took a turn – no, I just feel so much better after doing an experiment during my days off this week.

            Coworker 2: An experiment-al substance?

            Coworker 1: Ew, no.  Look, you know pretty much everybody sleeps terribly, right?

            Coworker 2: I’d be the first to say “Yes”: I could keel over right now, but I’d probably whack my head on the counter on the way down.

           Coworker 1: Yeah, we all stay up way too late or have obstructed breathing or watch blue light way too long or all these things combined, so we don’t recharge our batteries properly and leave the door wide open for all sorts of other illnesses and conditions to just waltz on in.  Not to mention our productivity’s out the window, but I don’t really care about that part.

            Coworker 2: (Prolonged yawn) Sorry, I’m actually listening and that’s what inspired me.  So what’d you do?

            Coworker 1: So, these past few days, I finally told myself that enough was too much, and I completely changed my sleep schedule.

           Coworker 2: Oh, you mean you actually go to bed at a decent time and sleep the recommended seven-and-a-half-to-eight hours a night?

            Coworker 1: Better: I read an article that said that sleeping eight hours straight is unnatural and only came about because of the longer working hours during the Industrial Revolution, and we should be more like cats and sleep at intervals throughout the day instead.  So, now I’m a polyphasic sleeper and nap for 30 minutes every six hours, and I’ve never felt better in my entire life.

          Coworker 2: Wow, that’s… really impractical.  How do you get anything done if you keep having to stop to nap?

            Coworker 1: Surprisingly easily, considering that I’m now awake 22 hours a day.  It just takes a little creativity, and everything falls into place.  I nap, wake up, do what I have to do for hours, nap again, wake up again, on and on.  And I feel absolutely refreshed each and every time.

            Coworker 2: Yeah, but what if you’re out somewhere doing… something?  Or here, even: your shift’s eight hours long!

            Coworker 1: Way ahead of you: I arranged with management to stick my meal break at the end of my shift, so when I’m done I’ll go nap in the car and the manager’ll clock me out later.

            Coworker 2: I guess, but won’t you get hungry if you don’t stop to actually eat?  And that also doesn’t seem safe – have you seen who hangs out in the parking lot here?

            Coworker 1: It’s OK: when I set the alarm, the outside of the car’s electrified.

            Coworker 2: What?

           Coworker 1: I also locate perfect napping locations wherever I go now, too – I really should also locate at least two exits, but I can’t retain that much information.

           Coworker 2: I don’t know, this doesn’t seem sustainable in the long run.  What if you can’t fall asleep right away, and blow past your 30 minutes – or your body really does need more than two hours of sleep a day?!

            Coworker 1: I fall asleep at the drop of a hat, and you can’t argue with the results!  (There is a loud crash towards the back of the store, followed by multiple sets of tears) Aw, a crisis – I’ll get it!  (Skips away)

          Coworker 2: (Slumps across the counter and yawns again) Still think you’re on something.

2:00 A.M. THE FOLLOWING DAY

            Coworker 2: (Awoken by the phone ringing, fumbles with the bedside lamp and phone, then answers) Buh-lo?

          Coworker 1: Howdy-howdy-howdy!  I just had a brainstorm for how we can handle the clearance displays later this week – want to meet up for coffee to go over all that?

            Coworker 2: …Now?

            Coworker 1: No time like the present! 

            Coworker 2: But I’m presently sleeping.

           Coworker 1: Not anymore!  Now you can try out my theory and see how much better you’ll feel all the rest of your days!

            Coworker 2: You woke me up during a dream where my celebrity crush was holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be OK.  I felt so at peace with the world.

            Coworker 1: And?

            Coworker 2: And now I hate you forever.  Also, I think you should check with a doctor before embarking on such a drastic health regime.  And on that note, I will forgive you for your dream interruption if you forgive me for – (Disconnects the call)

         Coworker 1: (Also disconnects, and resumes yoga practice) All visionaries encounter resistance.