Story 654: Oblivia and the Monster in the Closet

 EVENING 

(After a long day at work, Oblivia enters her house while talking on the phone)

Oblivia: (Dropping off keys, bag, coat, and another bag in different rooms on her way from the front door to the bedroom) I completely agree: someone should do something about that.  (Listens while kicking off her shoes) Of course that someone isn’t me – I’m busy.  (Picks up the shoes, opens the closet door, and tosses them inside) Living my life, that’s what!... `K, see you on Saturday – bye, Mom!  (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the bed, then sees a pile of clothes on the floor) How long have you been sitting there?  (Shrugs, picks up the pile, and also tosses it into the closet, slamming the door shut afterward and walking into a pair of slippers on the way to the kitchen, whistling a merry tune)

(Deep within the darkness of the closet, something unspeakable stirs….) 

MIDNIGHT 

(Asleep, Oblivia snores loudly while dreaming of school finals from decades ago; as a watch beeps 12:00, the closet door slowly creaks open)

Closet Door: <CREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKK….>

(Oblivia twitches in her sleep at the loud noise, rolls away from the door to face the opposite wall, and resumes snoring.  A grumbling sound begins within the recesses of the closet, slowly growing louder; two bright green eyes appear, then start to move closer, and closer, and – )

Oblivia: (Snorts awake and sits up suddenly) No, I can’t fail Biology again!  (Looks around in the darkness for a few seconds) Oh, no more school: just everyday office work tomorrow.  No big deal.  (Lies down and immediately falls back asleep, snoring again)

(The two bright eyes slowly blink, then the grumbling and advancing continue, getting closer, and louder, and closer, and louder, and – )

Oblivia: (Wakes up again, leans over the edge of the bed to grab a slipper, and throws it at the bright eyes, bouncing it off them) Take that, chipmunk!  The era of you living rent-free in the walls has ended!  (Sticks out a leg to hook a toe onto the edge of the closet door and slams it shut on the eyes, then lies back and falls asleep again, snoring once more)

(After a few moments, the closet door bursts open with a roar as a mighty wind stirs all the stuff inside around; Oblivia wakes up again and turns on the lamp)

Oblivia: (Sitting up) I’m telling you, if I only get three hours of sleep tonight –

Closet Monster: (Formed from the years of mess inside the closet, rears up with a roar) BEHOLD, PUNY HUMAN!  YOUR DOOOOOOOM!!!  MWAHAHAHA – !

Oblivia: EXCUSE ME!  (The roaring and wind stop) Do you mind?!  I have neighbors.

Closet Monster: (Raises “arms” as roaring and wind begin again) AS YE HAVE CONSUMED, SO SHALL YE BE CONSUMED, MWAHAHAHA!  (A slight vortex is created as the wind now starts sucking up everything in the bedroom toward the closet, including the bed)

Oblivia: (Irritably jams a foot against the wall to stop the bed from shifting any farther) Listen, as much as I’d love to hear your thoughts on self-denial and the meaning of life, I literally don’t have the mental capacity for a lecture right now.

Closet Monster: (Lowers “arms” as wind stops again) What?

Oblivia: (Yawning while looking around the room) And now the bed’s crooked.  (Lies back under the covers and turns away) That’s tomorrow me’s problem: nighty-night.  (Reaches backward to turn off the lamp and starts snoring again)

Closet Monster: (Raises “arms” again without the wind this time) HEAR ME: YOUR DEEDS RETURN, AS YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!  THERE WILL BE NO MERCY, NO – DID YOU FALL ASLEEP AGAIN?!

Oblivia: (Wakes up) Arrrgggghhhhh.  (Turns back around, sits up, and turns on the lamp again) Whaaaaat do you want?

Closet Monster: (Puts “hands” on “hips”) You know, this is a proper haunting I’ve got going on here, and you’re ruining the whole thing by ignoring it!

Oblivia: Well, I’ve got better things to do than indulge the whims of every geist who decides to polter around the joint!

Closet Monster: Like what?!

Oblivia: Sleep.  Its deprivation is a serious public health issue, did you know that?

Closet Monster: Oh.  (Rears up again) WELL THEN, SLEEP NO MORE!

Oblivia: Heh: “Macbeth hath murdered sleep”, right?

Closet Monster: What?!

Oblivia: Sorry, go ahead.

Closet Monster: Ahem: SLEEP NO – ah, forget it: I’ve lost the momentum.  (Sits heavily onto the floor in front of the closet, glowing green eyes staring into space)

Oblivia: (Yawns again) Whelp, since I’m up already – is this about all the junk I have in the closet that I keep saying I’ll clean out one day and never do?

Closet Monster: (Perks up) Yes!  YOUR SINS HAVE COME BACK TO –

Oblivia: (Waves dismissively while getting out of the bed) Yeah-yeah-yeah, I know all about that – clean everything out now before someone has to clean everything out after you’re gone, all that jazz – but does it have to be on a weeknight?

Closet Monster: Lazy.

Oblivia: That goes without saying.  Well?

Closet Monster: The tipping point was reached during the haunting season.

Oblivia: Figures.  (Walks past Closet Monster into the closet, pulls a hanging light cord, and takes in the shelves, boxes, and hangers of stuff, rubbing her hands together briskly) All right – I’ll start with the clothes and work from there.  Could you grab some large trash bags from under the kitchen sink for me, please?

Closet Monster: …OK.  (Stands and lumbers toward the kitchen) 

SUNRISE 

(The bedroom is filled with bags and boxes of clothes and other knickknacks as Oblivia and the dwindling Closet Monster are seated on the floor sorting the remaining piles)

Oblivia: (Grabs a sock off of Closet Monster) Ooh, here’s the match we were looking for!

Closet Monster: Yes, but have you even thought about wearing them in the last year?

Oblivia: (Grudgingly) No.

Closet Monster: You know the rule.  (Points to the nearest bag full of clothes)

Oblivia: (Sighs) Fine, they’ll have a happier home with someone who’ll actually wear them now.  (Bundles the two socks together and tosses them into bag) Three points, yay!

Closet Monster: (Plucks an aged certificate from somewhere in the mid-section and holds it up) And what about this?

Oblivia: (Takes it and smiles fondly while reading the faded print) Aw, this was the award I got for my 2^nd grade science fair project.  One volcano among dozens, but mine had actual lava.

Closet Monster: Mm-hm.  And is it really needed in your life anymore?

Oblivia: Maybe: at some point, it might be the only thing I ever remember.

Closet Monster: I highly doubt it.

Oblivia: Oh, all right.  (Places the certificate gently in a box for recycling) Past triumphs, returned to dust.

Closet Monster: (Looking toward the brightening window) The Sun rises – my time in this realm is ending.

Oblivia: Oh.  (Also looks toward the brightening window, then back to Closet Monster) Well, you’ve sure been a big help – I probably would’ve never done this on my own at this rate, and someone in my family would’ve been cursing my memory while they had to sort through all my garbage.

Closet Monster: Then my work… is done.  (As the Sun’s rays shine into the room, Closet Monster collapses into the remaining small pile of stuff left to be sorted)

Oblivia: (Staring at the pile) Huh.  It’s almost sad.  (Stands up creakily, places hands on hips, and looks around the room at all the sorted bags and boxes and the cleaner closet, nodding in satisfaction) Job well done, I should say.  I’m so proud of me.  (Turns to see that the alarm clock is one minute away from going off, and clenches her fists) BUT I LOST ALL THOSE HOURS OF SLEEP!

Story 626: I Forgot to Spring Ahead This Year

            (On a Sunday morning, Friend 1 groggily awakens to the cell phone vibrating on the nearby lamp table)

Friend 1: (Sloppily grabbing the phone and answering it) Muh-yeh-loh?

Friend 2: (On the phone, standing outside a busy restaurant) So, are you cancelling for today?

Friend 1: Hm-day?

Friend 2: We were supposed to meet for brunch at 10:30 this morning.

Friend 1: Muh-yeh?

Friend 2: Yes.

Friend 1: Wha – (Rubs eyes and clears throat) What time is it?

Friend 2: 10:40.

Friend 1: (Shifts to look at the alarm clock on the lamp table, then shifts back to the pillow) Isn’t.  It’s 9:40.  Still earlier than I wake up on a day off, I’ll have you know.

Friend 2: Are you looking at your alarm clock or at your cell phone clock?

Friend 1: Alarm.  Which is set to go off in five minutes, so that’s five minutes of sleep I’ll never get back, I thank you.

Friend 2: You should thank me: check your cell phone clock.

Friend 1: (Sighs and leans back while holding out the cell phone to check the time, staring at it for several seconds without blinking before bringing it back to speak) Must be some glitch – how’d you know my phone’s broken?

Friend 2: It’s not, you dope: the clocks turned ahead an hour at 2 a.m.!

Friend 1: 2 a.m. … this morning?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Why?

Friend 2: Because it’s supposed to save daylight or something!

Friend 1: No, I mean, why today?  Spring’s not until the 20^th.

Friend 2: I don’t know, maybe it’s to celebrate International Women’s Day here with an hour less of sleep but an hour more of sunshine!  Bottom line: forget about brunch since you’re not even awake yet, and we’ll figure out when to go another time.

Friend 1: (Starts stumbling out of bed) Now, hold on – we missed brunch, but we can move straight into lunch at this point, right?

Friend 2: No, you missed brunch.  I’m going in since I have a reservation and I’m not being cheated out of my brioche French toast that I’ve been looking forward to all week, so – bye.  (Ends the call and goes into the restaurant to have brunch)

(Friend 1 falls back into bed, dropping the phone onto the floor; the alarm clock goes off; Friend 1 reaches back and unplugs it from the wall, making it also drop onto the floor)

Friend 1: Want my hour back zzzzzzzzz….

Story 575: Sleeping Like a Cat

            (At a kiddie birthday party, a living room is filled with running, screaming children and the few adults designated to supervise their shenanigans when Guest 1 enters)

Guest 1: (Bursting into the room carrying a wrapped gift) HAPPY BIR – oh.  (Freezes upon seeing the chaos and starts to turn back; Guest 2 jumps up from an armchair, grabs Guest 1’s arm with one hand and the gift with the other, and steers the latter into the room)

Guest 2: Great, we need another pair of grown-up eyes here – you can say “Hi” to everyone on the way out – want a plate?

Guest 1: (Gently pushed to sitting on a folding chair, dazed) Uh, yeah, thanks.  (Guest 2 leaves to drop off the gift and fill up a plate of appetizers; Guest 1 looks around trying to figure out what game the kids are playing, then gives up; sees Guest 3 sitting on the nearby couch) Oh, hi there – (Guest 3 looks over) certainly no dozing off while we’re in here, am-I-right?

Guest 3: (Forlornly) If only I could.  (Nods toward a bean bag chair on the edge of the action) See that?

Guest 1: (Double-takes on seeing a cat curled up in the sinking middle of the chair, fast asleep) Aw, I didn’t even notice, how cute!  I always wonder how cats can sleep in the middle of all this racket, you know?

Guest 3: A mystery for the ages.  I only wish I had that power.

Guest 1: What, falling asleep in the center of a virtual hurricane?

Guest 3: Yes.  (A ball whizzes by the both of them) I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over 30 years.

Guest 1: Wow.  (Thinks for a few moments) Funny, I haven’t really, either.  Too many parties and studying late and working later, now I can’t even fall asleep until way after midnight and by then it’s already tomorrow.

(Both yawn simultaneously)

Guest 3: Ah yes: “To sleep: perchance to”… (Guest 1 waits expectantly) it’s gone.  And I was an English major, too.

Guest 1: Alas.  (The screams increase in volume) That cat has not moved a single muscle since I came in here – should we be worried?

Guest 3: One way to find out.  (Stands and expertly skirts around the hullabaloo to leave the room; the sound of tapping on the cat’s food dish soon follows, and the cat zooms off the chair into the other room) Sorry, no more food yet – just wanted to be sure.  (Guest 3 re-enters the room and sits on the couch again; the cat soon re-enters as well, gracefully weaves through the running bodies, hops back onto the bean bag chair, curls up again, and immediately falls back asleep) Probably could’ve just given a slight tap, but this was more definitive.

Guest 1: I never thought I’d be so jealous of a cat before.

Guest 3: I’m thinking we probably can do the same thing: you should only have to block out all stimuli, and you can sleep through anything.

Guest 1: Huh, is that all?  (Ball bounces off head)

Guest 3: Should be.  I’d try it right now, but my kid’s the guest of honor, so…. (A timer goes off in the kitchen) Aaaaaand that’s the main course, finally.  (Stands) EVERYONE IN THE DINING ROOM NOW!

(Everyone except for Guest 1 and the cat runs out of the room in varying levels of volume)

Guest 1: But I never got my appetizers....

THAT NIGHT

(At Guest 1’s apartment bedroom)

Guest 1: (Wearing pajamas) OK, this is it.  (Flops down on the bed) You can do this – just block out everything.  (Turns out the light and glances at the clock on the bedside table) Yes!  11:53 p.m.  You can do this, champ!  (Curls up into a ball, closes eyes, and starts breathing slowly and regularly until a SLAM! is heard overhead; eyes fly open) Oh no.

Neighbor: (Voice from the upstairs apartment, slightly muffled but voluminous) I told you, and I told you, but you never listen to me!

Guest 1: (Squishes a pillow over face) Oh-no-oh-no-oh-no-

Neighbor: (Accompanied by heavy footsteps and objects being slammed around) Yeah, well, I’d love to go off on sabbatical too, but I have RESPONSIBILITIES!... Don’t you yell at me while I’m yelling at you!

Guest 1: (Flings off the pillow and covers ears tightly) I am the center of the hurricane, I am the center of the –

Neighbor: You bet I’m gonna rehash everything, starting from 15 years ago when you forgot my last name!

Guest 1: Purring!  That must be the secret!  (Tries and fails to purr) Guess I don’t have the right equipment for that.  (Picks up a cell phone, finds a video with pink noise, turns the volume to maximum, plugs in headphones, and settles back with a sigh after one last glance at the phone’s clock) 11:59  That oughta do it.

Neighbor: (Extremely muffled through the pink noise) LA-LA-LA-LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Guest 1: (Curls up into a ball again, smiling) It’s almost soothing now.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In an office cubicle)

Guest 1: (Typing at a computer and nodding off, then snapping back awake) Whoa, afternoon slump.  (Quirks an eyebrow) Which is a normal part of our circadian rhythm, so who am I to fight it? (Leans back to peer out the cubicle opening, sees no one is approaching, then stretches arms out onto the desk while arching back a bit and crosses them one over the other to rest on them, closing eyes and smacking lips while settling)

Coworker: (Nearby) Auditors coming, everybody!  Finish up your reports and clean your workstations ASAP!

(Sounds of frantic typing, garbage dumping, phone calling, papers flying, coworkers crashing into each other, and emergency meetings being held in the middle of the office fill the entire floor)

Guest 1: (Eyes still closed; mutters softly) I am the center of the hurricane – I am the center of the hurricane – I am ZZZZZZ….

ONE HOUR LATER

Coworker: (Sticks head into the cubicle) What are you doing?!

Guest 1: (Jolts awake, looking around) Huh?  What?

Coworker: We’re all five seconds from getting a thousand citations for noncompliance in everything, and you’re napping?!

Guest 1: I was?...  I was!  It worked, yessss!!!!  (Jumps up and fist pumps for joy)

Coworker: Wow, not even attempting to deny it.

Guest 1: (Stops mid-jump and fist-pump) Ummmm…..

Coworker: I envy you.  (Leaves)

Guest 1: (Whispers to self) It worked, hee-hee!

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a church)

Preacher: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join….

Guest 1: (Sitting alone at the end of the back pew, mutters) That’s my cue.  (Looks around quickly to make sure everyone else is facing the front, then gently slides down to full-body stretch along the pew before half-twisting back and closing eyes) Center of the hurricane….

………………………………………………………………………………………

Preacher: Excuse me?

Guest 1: (Snaps open eyes to see Preacher standing next to the pew, then swiftly returns to a seated position) Oh – hi – great sermon – happy couple –

Preacher: Yes, perhaps you would like to join them?

Guest 1: (Looks around the now-empty church) Ah.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

(A wedding videographer weaves through the reception hall’s dance floor, filming as everyone dances the night away)

Spouse 1: (Sees the camera and waves) Hi!  Thank you everyone who could be here today!

Spouse 2: Yeah, you all rock!  We’re all having a great time, wooo!!!!

Dancing Guests: (Raising their arms in agreement) WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(The camera pans around the room and zooms in on Guest 1, stretched out face-down across three chairs at an empty table, one arm dangling off the edge and the other stretched back)

Videographer: (Heard mumbling) How on Earth, in the middle of all this racket…?  Oops – remember to edit out time stamp 19:33:07 to 19:33:21.

(The DJ suddenly changes the music from 2020s pop to 1980s hair metal)

Guest 1: (Suddenly rolls off the chairs and lands on hands and feet) Hurricane!  (Stands and looks around quickly, sees everyone in the area still dancing, and casually sits down) That was close – hope I didn’t make it into the video.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At another kiddie birthday party, a living room is filled with running, screaming children and the few adults designated to supervise their shenanigans when Guest 3 enters)

Guest 3: (Quietly sighs on seeing the chaos) Here we go.  (Sits on a chair to passively supervise, then notices Guest 1 curled up in a ball on the nearby couch, back to the world) Interesting.  (Lightly pokes Guest 1’s shoulder)

Guest 1: (Immediately rolls over, stretching fully) Oh, hi there.

Guest 3: Sorry to wake you; I just had to see for myself if it was true.

Guest 1: If what was true?

Guest 3: That at least one of us achieved the power of literal catnapping.

Guest 1: Oh yeah – thanks for the advice, worked like a charm.  (Several previously-hidden cats climb over Guest 1, turn semi-circles, and plop down to be spooned; Guest 1 obliges) Changed my life.

Guest 3: So I see.

Guest 1: Anyway, since this wound up turning out so well, I’m going to go back to…. (Points to the cats and the couch)

Guest 3: By all means.

Guest 1: Sweet.  (Gently rolls with the cats so they all are facing the couch cushions again; none move when a beach ball bounces off Guest 1’s back)

Guest 3: (Staring at the sleepers, brow furrowed in thought) Why do I feel like I’ve been missing out on something important this whole time?

Story 574: Hurkle-Durkle for Better Living

            (On a Sunday morning, Friend 1 wakes up in bed, turn slowly to a clock on the lamp table, and sees that the time reads 7:37 a.m.)

Friend 1: (Turns slowly back) Errrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh….  (Tries to fall back asleep and fails; turns back to the clock and sees that it reads 7:41 a.m.) Ugggggghhhhhh!!!!  The one morning a week that I can sleep in, and sleep has run away from me!  (Grabs a book from the lamp table and reads angrily) I refuse to get out of this bed before 9 a.m. on my day off!

10:30 A.M.

(Friend 1 sets aside a bowl of cereal on the lamp table to answer the ringing cell phone)

Friend 1: (Swallowing cereal) Helloooooo?

Friend 2: (Voice on the phone) Hey – I didn’t wake you, did I?

Friend 1: (Laughs guiltily) No, please, it’s… (Glances at the clock and cringes) so late in the morning, I’d better be up by now or else I’d be a lazy, lazy slacker with no meaning in life.

Friend 2: You’re eating breakfast in bed, aren’t you.

Friend 1: Yes.  (Collapses back onto the pillows) My shame knows no depths and I’m filled with self-loathing.

Friend 2: Calm down: there’s nothing wrong with sleeping in a bit and relaxing on your day off.

Friend 1: So says the person who, I can almost guarantee, has run five miles and cooked a week’s worth of meals by now.

Friend 2: ….

Friend 1: ….

Friend 2: …Regardless, everyone’s entitled to a hurkle-durkle now and then; it’s a good way to recharge the ol’ batteries.

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) A what-in-the-what-now?

Friend 2: Hurkle-durkle.  It’s a Scottish term from hundreds of years ago that’s become all the rage now, and basically means lying in bed after you’d usually get up, and doing practically nothing.  Well, you’re eating and probably reading, but the point is, you’re lounging about and relaxing, not doing chores or working or stressing yourself out like you usually do.

Friend 1: Really?  You don’t judge me as a lazy lump with no ambition or purpose, then?

Friend 2: Not for this.  (Friend 1 double-takes) A lie-in every so often never hurt anybody.  Been thinking about doing it myself lately, but I feel like I’d have to schedule it and that kind of defeats the point.

Friend 1: Way to rub your meaningful life in my face.

Friend 2: Hey, don’t blame your inadequacy on anyone but yourself.

Friend 1: Sorry.  So, my Sunday morning sloth is actually a good thing, huh?

Friend 2: Well, to a point.  You’ll need to get out of bed some time and start moving, or else this goes from hurkle-durkling to bed rotting.

Friend 1: Does bed rot lead to bed sores?

Friend 2: Extremely likely.

Friend 1: I’ll keep that in mind – you’ve been a big help, bye!  (Ends the call, drops the phone onto a pillow, and grabs the bowl of cereal and the book to resume relaxation until the phone rings again; Friend 1 taps the answer and the speaker buttons with a pinky) What, you’re interrupting my hurkling-durkling!

Friend 2: It’s hurkle-durkling – never mind; I actually had called you in the first place to ask if you’re going to our 20^th High School Reunion next month since the date’s finally been finalized.

Friend 1: (Freezes mid-chew) Oh.  That.

Friend 2: Yeah, it should be fun to see everyone again, right?

Friend 1: (Makes a face while swallowing) Oh yeah, I can’t wait to rub my inadequacy in their faces, it’ll be a blast!

Friend 2: You’re getting tiresome: I doubt you’d be the only person there dissatisfied with the way their life turned out.

Friend 1: (Sets the bowl and book down on the quilt) I know, but I’d be the only person there who couldn’t hide it.

Friend 2: I’ll need you to keep me company anyway: I can’t spend all night floating from group to group and then looking for a table to join like it’s the cafeteria on the first day of school all over again, that’s the worst!

Friend 1: Sorry to disappoint, but I already have plans to hurkle-durkle that night instead.

Friend 2: What?!  You don’t even know what date it is yet!

Friend 1: Too late: whatever date it is, my plans to hurkle the durkle are set in stone.

Friend 2: And another thing: you can only do that in the morning!

Friend 1: Oh really?  Show me the rule that says it, then!

Friend 2: There aren’t rules –

Friend 1: HA!

Friend 2: The whole thing is just to not get up right away after a full round of sleep!  The party is before sleeping!

Friend 1: Well maybe I refuse to adhere to tradition and instead will revolutionize the movement with my long-needed forward-thinking concepts!

Friend 2: You weren’t even aware this thing existed until 10 minutes ago.

Friend 1: And clearly, I am the savior its followers have been waiting for!

Friend 2: Whatever: I’ll send you the details and pick you up that night; just wear anything but pajamas and you’ll be fine, bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Lets the phone fall back onto the pillow, stares as the mess on the bed, sighs full-bodiedly, flings off the covers, and gets out of bed, grumbling) And just like that, the magic has run away from me, too.

Story 366: The Sleep Stealer

 (Sibling 1 is sitting at a kitchen table and working on a laptop while surrounded by piles of paper when the phone rings)

Sibling 1: (Hits a button on the phone to answer the call on speaker) Yo.

Sibling 2: Well, hello to you, too.

Sibling 1: Sorry – doing another all-nighter for work.  If I keep going without breaks, I can be done in… (Checks watch) two weeks.

Sibling 2: Ouch.  I won’t keep you long – just checking if you wanted to drive when we go to the concert on Saturday.

Sibling 1: (Stops mid-type) Oh.  That’s this Saturday?

Sibling 2: Yes, and you’re still going, work or nay.  And that settles it: I’m driving.

Sibling 1: Oh, thanks.  It’ll be good to do something sort-of real for a change: I’m either working all the time or collapsed on the couch watching anything for hours just so I don’t think about having to get up for work soon.

Sibling 2: Well, don’t forget to squeeze in some sleep there.

Sibling 1: Hah-hah, sleep: what’s that and who needs it?

Sibling 2: Something necessary for good health, and everybody.

Sibling 1: Huh?

Sibling 2: I’m serious: not getting enough sleep is bad for you, and if you keep not getting enough then your body’s gonna snatch some wherever it can.

Sibling 1: (Typing nervously) You make it sound like a thief.

Sibling 2: Been finding yourself taking random naps lately, especially when you want to stay awake?

Sibling 1: …I thought that was a part of old age.  You know, how old people keeping falling asleep whenever and wherever, `cause they’re old?  I figured I’ve joined their ranks.

Sibling 2: That’s different, and you really aren’t old enough for that yet.

Sibling 1: Depends on the era and society you ask.

Sibling 2: Look, just try to get at least seven hours of sleep –

Sibling 1: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Sibling 2: – and you’ll feel, and work, so much better, trust me.  And if you don’t, your body’s gonna steal that sleep on you any way it can get some.

Sibling 1: I’ll keep that in mind when I reply to its ransom note; see you on Saturday, byeeeee!  (Hits the phone to disconnect the call)

Sibling 2: (Mutters while setting down the phone to resume video game play) Better not keel over during the concert; I am not picking you up off that disgusting floor.

(Sibling 1 continues to work, as each hour marches regularly past.  After a long blink, the word “fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff” fills the screen)

Sibling 1: Hm.  (Highlights and deletes that section)  Wonder when that happened?  (Blinks and sees that word fill the screen again) Oh come on, don’t tell me the computer’s broken, that’s the trash icing on the garbage cake of my life!  (Highlights and deletes that section, then types slowly without incident) OK.  OK.  Must’ve been a fluke.  (Hears a faint, sinister giggle, and freezes) Hello?  (Silence) Is there a freeloader ghost hanging around here?  (Grabs a baseball bat that was left on the kitchen counter and combs the apartment, but sees no one) You know, if you’re gonna interrupt me like that you should at least have the common courtesy to either show yourself or clean up this mess around here!

(Tosses away the bat, finishes work for the night, and settles on the couch in front of the television with a satisfied sigh at 2:00 a.m.)

Sibling 1: (Navigates menus with the remote) At last, my reward: two episodes of my favorite retro sitcom oughta do it.  (Watches the first 15 minutes, blinks, and sees the end credits scrolling by at light speed) Hey!  What happened to the rest – did they edit it out for commercials?!  (Navigates with the remote and sees that the entire episode had aired) No it didn’t – (Sees the time displayed on the television is 2:30 a.m.) Oh come on, don’t tell me the TV’s broken, I’ll just dissolve!  (A faint, sinister giggle echoes through the living room; Sibling 1 warily turns off the television) Maybe I’ll just go to bed now instead.

(At an office the next day, Sibling 1 is sitting in a conference room with coworkers for a meeting)

Presenter: While this next slide is a bit dry, it does give a good overview of how our sales this last quarter were the absolute worst –

(Sibling 1 nods, blinks, and notices a sudden, sharp pain)

Sibling 1: Huh?  (Looks down at right foot and sees neighboring Coworker’s foot crushing down on it)

Presenter: Yes?  You have a question?

Sibling 1: Um… I was just wondering… what’s the meaning… of it all?

Presenter: Excellent!  That’s exactly what my next slide covers!

(After the meeting, the attendees leave in groups)

Sibling 1: (Whispering to Coworker) Hey: did you mean to pulverize all the bones in my foot earlier or was that just a “Whoopsie”?!

Coworker: (Whispering) I did you a favor – you totally fell asleep back there!  Normally I’d’ve joined you, but I’ve been too irritated all day to be that relaxed.

Sibling 1: What’re you talking about?  I was awake the whole time!

Coworker: Then you were doing fantastic performance art as someone with their eyes closed and snoring.

Sibling 1: Nah-uh, you’re imagining things!

Coworker: The entire table was staring at you!  Good thing our manager’s out today or they’d’ve flipped out!

Sibling 1: But I couldn’t’ve – I was awake for the whole – I heard every –

Coworker: Whatever.  You’re welcome, and you owe me.  (Leaves)

Sibling 1: (Sits back down on one of the conference room chairs) But I couldn’t have been asleep, I remember…. (Hears a faint, sinister giggle and looks around, agitated) What?!  Did the daycare here finally revolt?!

(At the concert on Saturday, the audience members who are able are on their feet and singing with the band)

Sibling 2: (Shouting to be heard) I don’t know why I pay all this money to hear us sing with them, when I could do the same thing at home and have them all to myself for free!  (When there is no response, turns to see Sibling 1 swaying slightly in place with eyes closed) Hey, you hear?  Or here?!  (Flicks Sibling 1 in the ear)

Sibling 1: Ow!  Quit it, I’m watching the show!

Sibling 2: Are you?!  What song did we all just sing?

Sibling 1: (Rubbing ear) Ummm…. “Baby I Got You But Now What?”

Sibling 2: That was half an hour ago!

Sibling 1: …It sticks with you.

Sibling 2: I told you sleep’s gonna get you if you don’t get enough!

Sibling 1: I thought it was my body that’s going to get the sleep if I didn’t get enough?

Sibling 2: You know what I mean!

(In the midst of the screaming crowds, Sibling 1’s eyes start twitching as the faint, sinister giggle is heard)

(The next afternoon, Sibling 1 stretches out on the couch with a book and a blanket)

Sibling 1: Aaaah, that brief window of time in the week where I have zero obligations – I can’t wait to read my first book in 10 years.  (Turns around the book to read the back cover)

Back Cover: Our main character may be physically confined to a wheelchair, but the heart, mind, and soul yearn to one day explore the vast reaches of outer space….

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, nerd.  (Blinks, then sees a streetlight shining in through the window; sits up suddenly in the darkened living room) Whoa!  Did Krakatoa erupt again?!  (Turns on a lamp and sees a figure sitting on the other end of the couch) Ah!  Home invader!

Sleep Stealer: Not exactly.  I’ve been with you a long while now.

Sibling 1: …Stalker?

Sleep Stealer: No!  I’ve been giving you the sleep you so desperately need.

Sibling 1: <Gasp!>  You’ve been drugging me?!

Sleep Stealer: (Sighs bodily) Seems the deprivation has made your brain reach the Stupid Stage.  Your sleep for the past year has been dreck, so I had to step in and take it for you; whenever, wherever, doesn’t matter: you’re getting it.

Sibling 1: (Clutches the blanket to chest) Oh I don’t think so, meddler!  I sleep on my schedule, got it?!

Sleep Stealer: Uh-huh.  Left to your schedule, you’ll be sleeping zero hours a day soon.

Sibling 1: Good!  I hate sleep – it cuts into my work productivity and my “me” time!

Sleep Stealer: I see extreme measures are needed.  (Slaps an alarm onto Sibling 1’s wrist)

Sibling 1: (Staring at the alarm in horror) What the blazes is this?!

Sleep Stealer: Your salvation.  It will ensure that you fall asleep no matter what at exactly 11:00 every night, and wake up at exactly 7:00 the following morning.  Naps are optional.

Sibling 1: (Struggles to remove the alarm) WHAT?!  You can’t do that!  What if I’m out driving?!

Sleep Stealer: Since when have you been out driving during those hours?

Sibling 1: All right, fine, but what if I’m at a family thing, or, you know....

Sleep Stealer: Working?

Sibling 1: No….

Sleep Stealer: Watching TV?

Sibling 1: Just a little…

Sleep Stealer: Reading?

Sibling 1: (Picks up the book) I did just start this bestseller!  (Opens to a random page) Wow, this is super long!

Sleep Stealer: You’ll find the time.  And you’ll thank me for it when you start feeling better, and don’t see me anymore.  (Disappears)

Sibling 1: If I don’t see you anymore how can I thank you for it?!

(Several weeks later, Sibling 2 calls Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Hi, how’re you feeling?

Sibling 1: (Serenely ensconced on the bed) Better than I have in years.  I’m finally back to a regular eight-hour sleep schedule, and everything in my life’s now falling into place: I feel happier, my memory’s improved, my blood pressure’s lower, I lost some weight, I’m watching less TV and reading more books, and I’m actually getting more stuff done at work than when I was working all day and all night.

Sibling 2: That’s great!  I told you getting more sleep would help!

Sibling 1: Yes, you were right, gloat away.  (Alarm beeps) And that’s my cue to get some shut-eye!

Sibling 2: But it’s 3 in the afternoon.

Sibling 1: I’ve also discovered that scheduled naps are a blessing and a joy that all should partake in if they can.  With all this reversion to childhood behaviors, I think I may have found the key to eternal youth!

Story 330: Trying a New Sleep Schedule

          (In a department store, Coworker 2 is yawning at the customer service desk as Coworker 1 arrives)

            Coworker 1: Gooooood morning!  And how are we this fine day?

            Coworker 2: (Blinks groggily at Coworker 1) I’m sorry, did you come to the right building?

            Coworker 1: Silly-billy!  (Inhales deeply and exhales resoundingly) Ahhhh, isn’t it such a joy to be alive?  (Begins sorting through reshelves that are piled in large towers around them)

           Coworker 2: Are you sure you know you’re at work and not, I don’t know, the Bahamas, or the Alps, or the amusement park?  The store just opened and we’re already 10 years behind in projects, plus we have to start prepping for inventory at some point this afternoon, or did you forget that monstrosity as well?

           Coworker 1: Oh, inventory: what a great process to ensure our records match up with our stock.  (A bus-load of children enter the store) Oooh, young ones!  How their enthusiasm and destructive behavior revitalize my soul!

           Coworker 2: (Grabs items out of Coworker 1’s hands and slams them messily onto the counter) All right, spill it: did you take something before you clocked in today?  As in, something harmfully joy-inducing?

             Coworker 1: Whatever do you mean, ol’ chum of mine?

            Coworker 2: You’re never this happy when you’re here, and all of a sudden you’re treating this place like it’s Heaven.  And we are not friends, at all – you barely say “Hi” and “Bye” to me each day, and the feeling’s mutual.  Are you dying and just now appreciating life in all its glory?

          Coworker 1: Wow, that took a turn – no, I just feel so much better after doing an experiment during my days off this week.

            Coworker 2: An experiment-al substance?

            Coworker 1: Ew, no.  Look, you know pretty much everybody sleeps terribly, right?

            Coworker 2: I’d be the first to say “Yes”: I could keel over right now, but I’d probably whack my head on the counter on the way down.

           Coworker 1: Yeah, we all stay up way too late or have obstructed breathing or watch blue light way too long or all these things combined, so we don’t recharge our batteries properly and leave the door wide open for all sorts of other illnesses and conditions to just waltz on in.  Not to mention our productivity’s out the window, but I don’t really care about that part.

            Coworker 2: (Prolonged yawn) Sorry, I’m actually listening and that’s what inspired me.  So what’d you do?

            Coworker 1: So, these past few days, I finally told myself that enough was too much, and I completely changed my sleep schedule.

           Coworker 2: Oh, you mean you actually go to bed at a decent time and sleep the recommended seven-and-a-half-to-eight hours a night?

            Coworker 1: Better: I read an article that said that sleeping eight hours straight is unnatural and only came about because of the longer working hours during the Industrial Revolution, and we should be more like cats and sleep at intervals throughout the day instead.  So, now I’m a polyphasic sleeper and nap for 30 minutes every six hours, and I’ve never felt better in my entire life.

          Coworker 2: Wow, that’s… really impractical.  How do you get anything done if you keep having to stop to nap?

            Coworker 1: Surprisingly easily, considering that I’m now awake 22 hours a day.  It just takes a little creativity, and everything falls into place.  I nap, wake up, do what I have to do for hours, nap again, wake up again, on and on.  And I feel absolutely refreshed each and every time.

            Coworker 2: Yeah, but what if you’re out somewhere doing… something?  Or here, even: your shift’s eight hours long!

            Coworker 1: Way ahead of you: I arranged with management to stick my meal break at the end of my shift, so when I’m done I’ll go nap in the car and the manager’ll clock me out later.

            Coworker 2: I guess, but won’t you get hungry if you don’t stop to actually eat?  And that also doesn’t seem safe – have you seen who hangs out in the parking lot here?

            Coworker 1: It’s OK: when I set the alarm, the outside of the car’s electrified.

            Coworker 2: What?

           Coworker 1: I also locate perfect napping locations wherever I go now, too – I really should also locate at least two exits, but I can’t retain that much information.

           Coworker 2: I don’t know, this doesn’t seem sustainable in the long run.  What if you can’t fall asleep right away, and blow past your 30 minutes – or your body really does need more than two hours of sleep a day?!

            Coworker 1: I fall asleep at the drop of a hat, and you can’t argue with the results!  (There is a loud crash towards the back of the store, followed by multiple sets of tears) Aw, a crisis – I’ll get it!  (Skips away)

          Coworker 2: (Slumps across the counter and yawns again) Still think you’re on something.

2:00 A.M. THE FOLLOWING DAY

            Coworker 2: (Awoken by the phone ringing, fumbles with the bedside lamp and phone, then answers) Buh-lo?

          Coworker 1: Howdy-howdy-howdy!  I just had a brainstorm for how we can handle the clearance displays later this week – want to meet up for coffee to go over all that?

            Coworker 2: …Now?

            Coworker 1: No time like the present! 

            Coworker 2: But I’m presently sleeping.

           Coworker 1: Not anymore!  Now you can try out my theory and see how much better you’ll feel all the rest of your days!

            Coworker 2: You woke me up during a dream where my celebrity crush was holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be OK.  I felt so at peace with the world.

            Coworker 1: And?

            Coworker 2: And now I hate you forever.  Also, I think you should check with a doctor before embarking on such a drastic health regime.  And on that note, I will forgive you for your dream interruption if you forgive me for – (Disconnects the call)

         Coworker 1: (Also disconnects, and resumes yoga practice) All visionaries encounter resistance.