Story 571: Just an Everyday Quest

             (In a deep, dark, dank dungeon, a Mage, a Fairy, and a Demigod burst through the door and onto the staircase that leads down, down, down)

Mage: (After all three pick up themselves and their fantastical accessories) Right: we have our Quest and we know what to do about it, yes?  (Fairy raises a hand)  Yes?

Fairy: (Lowers hand) I forget: are we on the side of the heir-to-the-throne who was usurped and wants to restore law and order and peace throughout the land, OR are we on the side of the usurping monarch who also wants to restore law and order and peace throughout the land, and is backed by the army and actually better liked by the people so the usurped heir pressing a claim will only lead to conflict, destruction, and death?

Mage: We’re… hm, just a moment – (Checks through scrolls in a satchel) The first one.

Demigod: So does being on either side make us the bad guys no matter what?

Mage: Listen, that’s all just backstory: we’re on a Quest for… (Checks through scrolls again) just a moment –

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice booms through the whole dungeon) Can we get this Quest going sometime today?  The Game’ll be on the… scrying bowl in two hours.

Mage: (Shoves the scrolls back into the satchel and grasps a magical staff authoritatively) Yes of course, Extreme Sorcerer, Ruler of Our Fates: the Quest shall commence at once!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Great.  Proceed down the stairs, then.  (The three reach the bottom of the staircase) Now, there is a door in front of you. 

(A door appears)

Fairy: Ah!  There it is.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) You may go through it.

Demigod: (To Mage) You first.

Mage: If you insist.  (Gingerly opens the door, then peeks both ways down a long corridor faintly lit by torches) Am I seeing anything?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) I don’t know, are you?

Mage: (Slightly testy) You’re supposed to tell me, oh Master of Dungeons.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Oh right.  Let’s see…. Nope: all clear.  Continue proceeding.

Mage: (Sarcastically) Many thanks.

(All three tentatively exit the room into the corridor)

Fairy: Right or left?

Demigod: Does it really matter?  We’ll eventually wind up in the center room anyway.

Mage: Well, if we want to speed-run this thing, we should go left.

(They go left a few paces and turn a corner)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Aha!  You have chosen a treacherous path, for now the Ravenous Beast approaches!

(The Ravenous Beast suddenly appears in the corridor in front of the trio, then growls and waves limbs threateningly their way)

Mage: Oh, fiddlesticks – is this the time to use my All-Encompassing Wind Charm, then?

Demigod: I wouldn’t blow that on our first opponent; you might need it in the final boss battle.

Fairy: I have just the thing.  (Waves a leafy branch at the Ravenous Beast, creating a force that blasts the latter into oblivion) Heh-heh, I have all the protection powers.

Mage: Yeah, leave some for the rest of us.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Curses!  You defeated my first warrior, but there are more, ready and waiting to defeat you!

Demigod: Well, yes, otherwise this is basically a treasure hunt in a maze.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Behold!  A door to a room appears!

(A door appears)

Mage: Good, let’s make some actual progress here.

(They enter a large, seemingly empty room)

Mage: Sooooo… anything here?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Hm?  Oh, yeah, just a second.

(An ancient wardrobe and a massive table with a spell book and candles suddenly appear)

Fairy: Ooh, neat.  Can I go read the book?

Mage: No time for that; we need to find treasure.  (Speaks to the ceiling) Is there any treasure here?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) What, do I have to do everything for you?

Mage: Since you control this world, yes!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Oh.  Then no.

Mage: Drat.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Oops, almost forgot.

(Two Fighting Skeletons appear)

Mage: Are you kidding me?!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Go ahead – do your worst!

(The battle is long and fierce, but eventually the three compatriots triumph after heavy losses)

Mage: I can’t believe we’ve barely started and my power’s almost gone!

Fairy: Mine’s not so great either – can I reset somewhere?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) No!  But you can check if there’s something special for you in here.

Fairy: Neat.  (Goes to the spell book and pulls out a glowing spell) Awesome!  Infinity Healing!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) WHAT?!  Wait a minute, that’s not a thing!

Fairy: Is too, see!  (Holds up the spell)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Hm.  Well, I’m sure there’s something to undermine that, don’t you worry.

Demigod: Anything else here, or can we just leave?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Yeah, you might as well go; that room’s dry now.

(The three exit the room and continue down the corridor in the same direction they were heading before, then turn another corner)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Behold!  Another door appears – (A door to a room appears) and also this guy.  (The Gibbering Goblin appears at the end of the corridor) The Gibbering Goblin, a most fearsome foe!

(The Gibbering Goblin gibbers a bit, then turns and runs around the corner there)

Demigod: Oh no you don’t!  (Raises a giant club and begins to take chase)

Mage: STOP!  (Demigod skids to a stop) WHAT.  ARE YOU.  DOING?!

Demigod: Going after the fearsome foe.

Mage: A foe who is clearly luring you away from the group so we’re divided and weakened!

Fairy: Yeah, even I can tell that’s the play here, and I’m not too quick on the uptake.

Demigod: Can’t just let `em get away though; we’ll have to deal with `em eventually anyway.

Mage: Yes, eventually!  Together!  You go alone now, you’ll get taken out in two seconds – (Through clenched teeth) now-you-get-back-here!

Demigod: (Slumps in disappointment, then moves to rejoin the group) Oh all right –

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Not so fast!  (Demigod freezes) It’s not your turn anymore.

Demigod: Oops.

Mage: (To Demigod, teeth still clenched) Well-when-it’s-your-turn-you-get-back-here!

Demigod: Aye-aye.

Fairy: (Now sitting on the floor and playing with the leafy branch) Is it my turn?

Mage: ….

Demigod: ….

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) I lost track – someone go.  (Demigod starts to move) Not you!

Demigod: Right.

Mage: This is going to be a looooong Quest….

TWO HOURS LATER

(In the center room of the dungeon, Mage, Fairy, and Demigod do battle against the Gibbering Goblin, the Vexing Vampire, and the Repugnant Reaper)

Mage: (Brandishes the magical staff) At last!  I deploy the All-Encompassing Wind Charm to strike the final blow!  (Deploys the All-Encompassing Wind Charm at the Repugnant Reaper)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Ooh, nice try, but counteracted by the Immovable Object Spell! 

(The Repugnant Reaper remains immovable in the midst of the all-encompassing wind)

Mage: Hey!  That was the best – and last – spell in my possession, and now it’s just –  (Blows a raspberry) counteracted?!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Such is life.  Speaking of which, there goes yours.

Mage: Oh.  (Is unceremoniously felled by the Repugnant Reaper)

Demigod and Fairy: NOOOOOO!!!!!

Demigod: (Falls to knees next to Mage’s body) How can this be?!  We’re all together like you said, and you were still taken out in two seconds!

Mage: (Mutters) Quit it.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice): You’re up next, Demigod!  Let’s see if you can succeed where your all-powerful Mage could not, BWAHAHAHAHAHA – !

Demigod: (Stands again) Yeesh, take it down a notch.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Sorry: got a little carried away there.

Demigod: (Turns to face off against the Gibbering Goblin) Attack!  (Smites the Gibbering Goblin a powerful blow with the giant club)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Huh.  That was actually effective.

(The Gibbering Goblin is obliterated)

Demigod: (Raises the giant club in victory) Yesssss!!!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) BUT AT WHAT COST?!

Demigod: (Lowers the giant club) Huh?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) That last attack drained all your remaining power, so you now have zero defenses, my friend!

Demigod: <Gulp!>

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) And now!  Can you defeat THE VEXING VAMPIRE?!

(Demigod and the Vexing Vampire mutually destroy each other)

Demigod: (Falls to the floor next to Mage) Dang it.

Mage: Want a pillow?

Demigod: I’m good, thanks.

Fairy: (Twirling the leafy branch lazily through the air) Is it my turn?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Yes.  You’re the only player left.

Fairy: Sweet.  (Points the leafy branch at the Repugnant Reaper and zaps the latter) Take that! 

(The Repugnant Reaper remains as-is)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Aha!  No effect!  And now, adventurer, time to MEET YOUR DOOM!

Mage: (Covers eyes) I can’t watch.

(The Repugnant Reaper slowly reaches out to Fairy)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Behold!  The Unavoidable Curse that is… THE FINALITY FINISHER!  AHAHAHAHAHA – !

Demigod: Seriously dude, you’re enjoying this way too much.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) SILENCE, FALLEN HERO!  Ahem.  THE FINALITY FINISHER! 

(The Repugnant Reaper channels that curse at Fairy)

Fairy: (Holds up the glowing spell as a shield) INFINITY HEALING!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Oh rats, I forgot you had that one.  BUT IT CAN ONLY BE USED ONCE, MWAHAHA – !

Fairy: Nah-uh, `cause it’s Infinity, I can use it forever!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Hang on.  (Sounds of pages turning) ...Hang on.  (Sounds of pages turning) Aha, yes!  You can’t use it when – oh wait, we’re not doing that storyline.  (Sounds of pages turning) …Hang on –

Fairy: (Bobbing up and down in excitement) So do I win?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Hang on –

Mage: (Abruptly stands, followed by Demigod) Oi!  Did Fairy win or what?!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) (Sounds of pages spilling to the floor) No fair, no fair, you can’t win by just… not-dying!  You didn’t truly defeat your opponent in battle!

Fairy: Yes I did – by not-dying, my opponent finally gave up and I win!  (Points to the Repugnant Reaper, who has been shuffling off back into the corridor)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) (To the Repugnant Reaper) You get back in there this instant!  (The Repugnant Reaper waves off Extreme Sorcerer and continues down the never-ending corridor) Unbelievable!  The most powerful players were destroyed, and the weakest one wins by doing practically nothing?!

Fairy: Such is life!  (Suddenly serious) I want my treasure now.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Ugh, fine: here.  (A giant ruby appears in the middle of the room) All yours.

Fairy: (Takes the ruby reverently as Mage and Demigod look on in awe) Wow.  (Turns to the other two while shoving the ruby into a satchel) I accept this treasure on your behalf: it rightly belongs to all of us.  But I’m keeping it.

Mage: By all means.  Well-fought, young adventurer; well-fought.

Demigod: Aye.  You did us proud and made our embarrassing defeat worth it in the end.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) (Disgusted) Whenever your mutual-admiration fest is over, make sure you clean up this dungeon on your way out – I want it spotless before the next Quest, because I am not dealing with a repeat of today’s disaster, understood?

Mage, Demigod, and Fairy: (Directed to the ceiling) Oh yes, Extreme Sorcerer!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Good.  Now, don’t bother me for the rest of the night.  (Footsteps recede and a distant door shuts as Extreme Sorcerer travels to the scrying bowl to witness The Game)

Mage: (To Fairy and Demigod in the now-empty dungeon) I think this all this effort calls for pizza, don’t you?

Fairy and Demigod: Huzzah!

Story 487: A Questing Party of Nerds

(In a basement, five players sit around a table where a game board, pieces, guides, and varied-sided dice are set up; all the players except one are wearing capes, long tunics, large hats, and/or gauntlets)

Player 1: (Speaking from over the top of a stand-up game guide perched on the table) Welcome, Fellow Travelers.  Tonight, we continue our quest to find the treasure, slay the noxious beasts, fight for the downtrodden, oppose the overhyped bullies, cast some really cool spells, and maybe reform a few enemies along the way.  (The others nod) But first!  Allow me to introduce the newest member of our noble party, one who seeks adventure and longs for redemption in the doing of honorable deeds – recovering jock and nerd-in-training, Gary.

Players 2-4: Hi, Gary.

Gary: Hi everyone; thanks so much for letting me join your worthy crew.  Although, I do prefer to be described as “Chaotic Neutral.”

Players 2-4: Oooooooh.

Player 1: Well-played, Gary: you will be an asset to our merry band of roguish do-wells.  And now, we will form your fleshed-out and three-dimensional character with the first roll of the die –

Gary: (Fumbles in jacket pocket) Actually, I brought a character I made myself a while ago, if that’s all right.  (Places a heavily armored figurine on the game board) This is Pine Nut, an elven wizard.

Player 2: (Gently touches the figurine) Neat; did you paint this yourself?

Gary: Uh-huh.  Took me weeks `cause I had to squeeze it in-between school and football practice, but totally worth it.

Player 3: (Leans closer and squints at it) And is that an actual steel sword?

Gary: Oh yeah – filed that down from a restaurant steak knife I lifted.

Player 3: Wicked.

Player 1: This is highly unorthodox, but in the interest of time in that our quest must advance at some point tonight, I will allow it.  What are your strengths, your skills, your weaknesses, and all that?

Gary: Oh, uh, let’s see: (Closes eyes and counts on fingers) teleportation, telekinesis, telepathy, impervious to fire and all diseases, only weakness is true love, but he cast a spell over himself to prevent that from ever happening so, yeah.  Oh, and he can bend all of nature to his will.

Player 4: Wooooow, Pine Nut’s invincible.

Player 1: Now hold on, he can’t have all those things!

Gary: Why not?

Player 1: Because he’s OP, that’s why not!  He’ll completely overwhelm everything in our path and be unstoppable!

Player 2: I actually wouldn’t mind having someone like that on our side for a change – I’m getting tired of having our butts constantly kicked.

Player 3: And handed to us.

Player 1: That’s the nature of the quest, my fellows; it’s never meant to be easy.

Player 4: Yeah, but unendingly difficult-to-impossible gets to be tedious.

Player 1: (Sighs mightily) Fine; when we start tonight, would you like me to retcon our recent resounding defeat at the hands of the castle guards’ children?

Players 2-4: YES!

Player 3: So embarrassing.

Player 1: (Scribbles some quick notes on a pad) All right, done: we’re reset back to where we’re on the road leading to the castle, and it’s no longer Take Your Child to Work Day.

Players 2-4: Yippee!

Player 1: And so, let us begin.  (Rolls all the dice and consults the stand-up game guide) As we travel along the well-maintained road through the verdant deciduous forest with our well-met new colleague and friend, Pine Nut –

Gary: (Picks the figurine up slightly off the game board) Howdy!

Player 1: – we see in the distance, approaching ever nearer, a colossal, fanged, tentacled, Druid of the Deepest Deep!  (Places a figurine on the game board that appears to be a kraken in robes) Our path to greatness is obstructed, friends: what shall we do?

Player 2: As an orc sorcerer who practices only moral and ethical magic, I cast a spell of truthfulness upon the being to determine whether Friend or Foe they be.  (Rolls two dice and gasps) They be Foe, and I be smited with an energy-draining blast!

Players 3-4 and Gary: Alas!

Player 1: (Writing notes) Alas indeed, for as you take the hit to your powers, we discover that the Druid of the Deepest Deep has the fiendish purpose to not only foil our quest, but to destroy our very souls!  So, who wants to go next?

Player 3: A human knight of the realm is what’s called for here!  Harken to me, Deepest Druid: I challenge ye to a joust!  (Rolls one die) Oh drat, neither of us have horses.

Player 1: It’s all right; you can roll for an archery contest instead.

Player 3: Thanks.  Oh ho!  I challenge ye to demonstrate your skill with the bow then, foul fiend!  (Rolls five dice, then tilts head to peer at all the numbers) I think that means I lost everything.

Player 1: (Writes notes) Nah, just all your arrows.  Tough break, though.

Player 4: Fear not, brethren!  For I, the halfling traveling troubadour, will lull this inconvenient menace into a state of slumber with a song sung from the purest heart!  (Rolls three dice, then whips out a guitar and starts playing to the tune of “Greensleeves”) <What cad is this/ Who foils our quest – >

Player 1: This is not open mic night – keep your head in the game!

Player 4: (Stops playing and sets aside the guitar) Right, sorry.

Player 1: (Consults notes) It seems that music has the opposite of the intended effect on the Druid of the Deepest Deep, who instead now prepares to EAT US ALL!

Players 2-4 and Gary: Oh, no!

Player 1: We turn to our newest member: oh gallant Pine Nut, what shall ye do, what shall be done?

Gary: Let’s see…. (Thinks for a few moments) OK: I read the Druid of the Deepest Deep’s mind and discover that they just need directions back to the ocean, and I teleport them out there.  Mightily.  (Rolls four dice) Yessss!!!!  Right on the hedrons!

Player 1: …What?!

Player 2: Huh, we probably should’ve led with that.

Player 1: No, no, no, that makes no sense in-game – if the Druid of the Deepest Deep blighted our path simply to ask for the way back home, then why did they first appear as Foe to destroy our souls, hm?

Player 3: Yeah, and why bother with the contest bit?  I lost my whole inventory of arrows!

Gary: (Rolls three dice) Druid was bored and just messing with you.

Player 3: Unbelievable!  Now I have to go back to dagger-throwing until I get arrows again and I don’t have the Agility for that!

Gary: Want me to sell you some?

Player 1: No, Gary!  This is exactly the problem I’d said we’d have – Pine Nut is too OP!

Gary: Sorry, I’m a little out of touch with the lingo: what’s “OP” again?

(The rest stare at Gary in shock)

Player 1: (Through gritted teeth) Over.  Powered.

Gary: Ah, got it.  Wait a second, just because my guy has all the cool powers doesn’t mean that’s a bad thing, right?  Now you can win all of your quests!

Player 1: There’s no point in any of it if all you have to do is steamroll over our enemies!  The struggle is the journey is the destination!

Player 4: And conflict is the essence of drama.

Player 1: Keep the theater overlap to a minimum, please.

Gary: (To Player 1) Well, what do you have to bring to the literal table, then?

Player 1: I’m a dragon wizard – basically a god to you all and your fates are in my claws.  Although most of the time, I’m just the narrator.

Gary: Fine, you want my guy to be weaker?  (Grabs six dice and rolls harshly) There: Pine Nut has lost his ability to teleport, read minds, and vanquish the common cold.  Happy?

Player 1: (Writes some notes) It’s a start, but there’s always room for improvement.

Player 2: (Stands and stretches) Maybe we should call it quits for tonight; I think we got a lot done, though.

Player 1: Your definition of “a lot” and mine differ quite enormously.

Player 3: (Stands with Player 4) Yeah, we should get going, too – we’ll pick up the quest right at the castle gates next week, sound good?

Player 4: Can I recite my freestyle sonnet to befuddle the guards this time?

Player 1: That’s for the dice to determine – but probably not.

Player 4: Drat.

(Players 2-4 leave)

Gary: (Pockets the elven wizard figurine and stands to leave) Well, this has been the most fun I’ve had in a while – thanks again for inviting me.

Player 1: (Packs up the game board and accessories) Of course.  And don’t take what happened with your character personally: as leader of our mental journeys here, I have a responsibility to maintain the integrity of the game.  Otherwise, it’s a free-for-all and we’d never get anywhere.

Gary: Understood.  (The two stare at the now-empty tabletop for a few moments) So… see you in the office tomorrow?

Player 1: I should hope so – your annual evaluation’s still on my calendar for 11:00.