(In a basement, five players sit around a table where a game board, pieces, guides, and varied-sided dice are set up; all the players except one are wearing capes, long tunics, large hats, and/or gauntlets)
Player 1: (Speaking from over the top of a stand-up game guide perched on the table) Welcome, Fellow Travelers. Tonight, we continue our quest to find the treasure, slay the noxious beasts, fight for the downtrodden, oppose the overhyped bullies, cast some really cool spells, and maybe reform a few enemies along the way. (The others nod) But first! Allow me to introduce the newest member of our noble party, one who seeks adventure and longs for redemption in the doing of honorable deeds – recovering jock and nerd-in-training, Gary.
Players 2-4: Hi, Gary.
Gary: Hi everyone; thanks so much for letting me join your worthy crew. Although, I do prefer to be described as “Chaotic Neutral.”
Players 2-4: Oooooooh.
Player 1: Well-played, Gary: you will be an asset to our merry band of roguish do-wells. And now, we will form your fleshed-out and three-dimensional character with the first roll of the die –
Gary: (Fumbles in jacket pocket) Actually, I brought a character I made myself a while ago, if that’s all right. (Places a heavily armored figurine on the game board) This is Pine Nut, an elven wizard.
Player 2: (Gently touches the figurine) Neat; did you paint this yourself?
Gary: Uh-huh. Took me weeks `cause I had to squeeze it in-between school and football practice, but totally worth it.
Player 3: (Leans closer and squints at it) And is that an actual steel sword?
Gary: Oh yeah – filed that down from a restaurant steak knife I lifted.
Player 3: Wicked.
Player 1: This is highly unorthodox, but in the interest of time in that our quest must advance at some point tonight, I will allow it. What are your strengths, your skills, your weaknesses, and all that?
Gary: Oh, uh, let’s see: (Closes eyes and counts on fingers) teleportation, telekinesis, telepathy, impervious to fire and all diseases, only weakness is true love, but he cast a spell over himself to prevent that from ever happening so, yeah. Oh, and he can bend all of nature to his will.
Player 4: Wooooow, Pine Nut’s invincible.
Player 1: Now hold on, he can’t have all those things!
Gary: Why not?
Player 1: Because he’s OP, that’s why not! He’ll completely overwhelm everything in our path and be unstoppable!
Player 2: I actually wouldn’t mind having someone like that on our side for a change – I’m getting tired of having our butts constantly kicked.
Player 3: And handed to us.
Player 1: That’s the nature of the quest, my fellows; it’s never meant to be easy.
Player 4: Yeah, but unendingly difficult-to-impossible gets to be tedious.
Player 1: (Sighs mightily) Fine; when we start tonight, would you like me to retcon our recent resounding defeat at the hands of the castle guards’ children?
Players 2-4: YES!
Player 3: So embarrassing.
Player 1: (Scribbles some quick notes on a pad) All right, done: we’re reset back to where we’re on the road leading to the castle, and it’s no longer Take Your Child to Work Day.
Players 2-4: Yippee!
Player 1: And so, let us begin. (Rolls all the dice and consults the stand-up game guide) As we travel along the well-maintained road through the verdant deciduous forest with our well-met new colleague and friend, Pine Nut –
Gary: (Picks the figurine up slightly off the game board) Howdy!
Player 1: – we see in the distance, approaching ever nearer, a colossal, fanged, tentacled, Druid of the Deepest Deep! (Places a figurine on the game board that appears to be a kraken in robes) Our path to greatness is obstructed, friends: what shall we do?
Player 2: As an orc sorcerer who practices only moral and ethical magic, I cast a spell of truthfulness upon the being to determine whether Friend or Foe they be. (Rolls two dice and gasps) They be Foe, and I be smited with an energy-draining blast!
Players 3-4 and Gary: Alas!
Player 1: (Writing notes) Alas indeed, for as you take the hit to your powers, we discover that the Druid of the Deepest Deep has the fiendish purpose to not only foil our quest, but to destroy our very souls! So, who wants to go next?
Player 3: A human knight of the realm is what’s called for here! Harken to me, Deepest Druid: I challenge ye to a joust! (Rolls one die) Oh drat, neither of us have horses.
Player 1: It’s all right; you can roll for an archery contest instead.
Player 3: Thanks. Oh ho! I challenge ye to demonstrate your skill with the bow then, foul fiend! (Rolls five dice, then tilts head to peer at all the numbers) I think that means I lost everything.
Player 1: (Writes notes) Nah, just all your arrows. Tough break, though.
Player 4: Fear not, brethren! For I, the halfling traveling troubadour, will lull this inconvenient menace into a state of slumber with a song sung from the purest heart! (Rolls three dice, then whips out a guitar and starts playing to the tune of “Greensleeves”) <What cad is this/ Who foils our quest – >
Player 1: This is not open mic night – keep your head in the game!
Player 4: (Stops playing and sets aside the guitar) Right, sorry.
Player 1: (Consults notes) It seems that music has the opposite of the intended effect on the Druid of the Deepest Deep, who instead now prepares to EAT US ALL!
Players 2-4 and Gary: Oh, no!
Player 1: We turn to our newest member: oh gallant Pine Nut, what shall ye do, what shall be done?
Gary: Let’s see…. (Thinks for a few moments) OK: I read the Druid of the Deepest Deep’s mind and discover that they just need directions back to the ocean, and I teleport them out there. Mightily. (Rolls four dice) Yessss!!!! Right on the hedrons!
Player 1: …What?!
Player 2: Huh, we probably should’ve led with that.
Player 1: No, no, no, that makes no sense in-game – if the Druid of the Deepest Deep blighted our path simply to ask for the way back home, then why did they first appear as Foe to destroy our souls, hm?
Player 3: Yeah, and why bother with the contest bit? I lost my whole inventory of arrows!
Gary: (Rolls three dice) Druid was bored and just messing with you.
Player 3: Unbelievable! Now I have to go back to dagger-throwing until I get arrows again and I don’t have the Agility for that!
Gary: Want me to sell you some?
Player 1: No, Gary! This is exactly the problem I’d said we’d have – Pine Nut is too OP!
Gary: Sorry, I’m a little out of touch with the lingo: what’s “OP” again?
(The rest stare at Gary in shock)
Player 1: (Through gritted teeth) Over. Powered.
Gary: Ah, got it. Wait a second, just because my guy has all the cool powers doesn’t mean that’s a bad thing, right? Now you can win all of your quests!
Player 1: There’s no point in any of it if all you have to do is steamroll over our enemies! The struggle is the journey is the destination!
Player 4: And conflict is the essence of drama.
Player 1: Keep the theater overlap to a minimum, please.
Gary: (To Player 1) Well, what do you have to bring to the literal table, then?
Player 1: I’m a dragon wizard – basically a god to you all and your fates are in my claws. Although most of the time, I’m just the narrator.
Gary: Fine, you want my guy to be weaker? (Grabs six dice and rolls harshly) There: Pine Nut has lost his ability to teleport, read minds, and vanquish the common cold. Happy?
Player 1: (Writes some notes) It’s a start, but there’s always room for improvement.
Player 2: (Stands and stretches) Maybe we should call it quits for tonight; I think we got a lot done, though.
Player 1: Your definition of “a lot” and mine differ quite enormously.
Player 3: (Stands with Player 4) Yeah, we should get going, too – we’ll pick up the quest right at the castle gates next week, sound good?
Player 4: Can I recite my freestyle sonnet to befuddle the guards this time?
Player 1: That’s for the dice to determine – but probably not.
Player 4: Drat.
(Players 2-4 leave)
Gary: (Pockets the elven wizard figurine and stands to leave) Well, this has been the most fun I’ve had in a while – thanks again for inviting me.
Player 1: (Packs up the game board and accessories) Of course. And don’t take what happened with your character personally: as leader of our mental journeys here, I have a responsibility to maintain the integrity of the game. Otherwise, it’s a free-for-all and we’d never get anywhere.
Gary: Understood. (The two stare at the now-empty tabletop for a few moments) So… see you in the office tomorrow?
Player 1: I should hope so – your annual evaluation’s still on my calendar for 11:00.
