(At
a gym after an intense exercise class)
Host:
(Sweating with everyone else) Whoo! We
all did great today, I’m so proud of us, see you next time!
(The
attendees stagger out the door as Partner enters)
Partner:
(To Host) Hey, you done for the day?
Host:
(Toweling off) Almost: got a dance cardio workout starting in 15 minutes, so
that’ll be my cool-down for the end of the day.
Wanna go for a five-mile run afterward?
Partner:
No thanks: I climbed three flights of stairs in my office building earlier, so
I’m all set for the day.
Host:
(Chuckles sinisterly) Don’t worry, you’ll join us one of these days.
Partner:
You know, I’ve been thinking: why don’t you film some of these routines and put
`em online? You’d probably get a lot of
followers and make a nice bit of change with all the views and the ads and the
sponsors and the what-nots, assuming they’re not all robots.
Host:
(Thinks on that while drinking a full bottle of water, then shakes head) Nah;
that actually came up way back in orientation and we were told we’re not
allowed to film what we do here; I think it’s viewed as “double-dipping” and a
“privacy nightmare,” and they’d be a bit irritated I’m using their facilities
to take away their own customers.
Partner:
Fair enough – you can film them at home, then.
Host:
Ew, have everyone see our apartment, gross!
Partner:
Our apartment’s not that gross.
Host:
Of course it isn’t; I meant the entire digital world seeing it would be
gross.
Partner:
Oh – we can just clear out some space for you to film, then; no big deal.
Host:
Where, your half of the closet?
Partner:
No, silly, in the living room! We can
move the TV over to the other side and you can set up an area by the back wall;
I probably just need to relocate the faux Mona Lisa hanging up there
right now.
Host:
(Thinks some more on that, then nods) Uh-huh, OK, I still have the filming
equipment from when my video game live streams failed to take off….
Partner:
Oh yes, that.
Host:
You think people’d want to see my workouts, though? I mean, there’re already a bajillion videos
to pick from – I think I’m too late to the game and the market’s saturated.
Partner:
Possibly, but people here like your classes a lot; yours are uniquely… intense.
Host:
(As new class members arrive) That they are: only the exceptionally strong
survive in these four walls. The rest I
kick out, and they still love me for it.
Partner:
(Backing out the door while the class members set themselves up with their
mats) We’ll talk more later – just think about it while you’re… (Waves arms
around the room) whatever it is you’re about to do here.
Host:
Feel free to sign up!
Partner:
You’re funny. (Runs away)
Host:
(Turns on music and faces the class) Hey-hey-hey, everybody! Ready to dance the night away?!
Class:
Yeah!
Host:
Well we only have 45 minutes, so this’ll have to do – and kick! And kick!
And spin! And split! And leap! And pirouette! And high kick! And spin the other way! And rond de jambe! And pas de bourr̩e! And higher kick! And Рyou!
(Points to a class member in the back, then thumbs to the door) Out!
Class
Member: (Head bowed, grabs mat and trots out the door) Yes, Teacher; sorry,
Teacher.
Host:
(To the rest of the class) Now dip yourselves!
SEVERAL
WEEKS LATER
(In
Host and Partner’s living room, half of which has been converted into a film
studio)
Host:
(Clipping on a small microphone) You realize we can’t have guests over here
anymore, right?
Partner:
(Adjusting lights and setting up the camera) No worries: I’ve gotten to be a
pro at taking down and reassembling all this stuff.
Host:
If you say so. (Reviews notes and
lightly bounces on feet) You know, I’m never nervous teaching classes at work,
but for some reason right now this is low-key freaking me out.
Partner:
Makes sense – this is something the whole world will see; I’d be
a wreck if I were you.
Host:
Thanks.
Partner:
(Walks over to adjust Host’s microphone) The beauty of this is that it’s not live
– we can stop whenever you want and fix it in post.
Host:
“Post”?
Partner:
Post-production. We can edit out any
mistakes later.
Host:
Oh. Well, I don’t want to stop –
we’re all supposed to be doing this together, at the same time. If I keep stopping mid-routine and expect
them to keep going, it’ll be inauthentic.
Partner:
Whatever you want – just know that we can always start over again from the top
if something gets messed up.
Host:
There is no “starting over” in my workout classes! We own our mistakes and commit through to the
end, whatever that may be!
Partner:
Fine, then consider this take as dress rehearsal, happy?!
Host:
Yes. Proceed. (Starts generic upbeat music)
Partner:
Oh yeah, we’re also gonna have to make sure whatever music you use is public
domain or else we’re gonna get sent a takedown notice for the video.
Host:
I guess that’s reasonable, yet I feel unreasonably irritated at the possible
extra work. Anything else I should be
aware of as I enter the online jungle?
Partner:
No, I think that’s it for now – I’ll monitor your comments section and get rid
of the trolls and any flame wars.
Host:
My hero. (Takes place in the center of
the cleared space as Partner starts the camera, signaling Host to begin)
Host:
(Voice cracks) Hey – ahem, cough – Hey-hey-hey!
My name is –
Partner:
Your name’ll be on the channel; no one needs to hear it.
Host:
Oh. I had a whole intro and everything.
Partner:
Just type it up for the channel description and get to the meat!
Host:
Yes, boss.
Partner:
[Grinds teeth]
Host:
(Clears throat) Hey-hey-hey! Welcome to
the first day of the rest of your life!
This video is a basic cardio workout for all you beginners out there –
if this doesn’t scare you away, then stick around for the advance class coming
up at undetermined date!
Partner:
Edit that last part out.
Host:
I want them to know there’ll be an advance class coming up at an undetermined
date.
Partner:
They’ll either sign up for your alerts or never come back anyway; I’m going to
revise your script later, just – keep going!
Host:
Rude. (To the camera) Now, let’s warm up
first! (Warms up for five minutes) Warming up is very important before
beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go! Now, onto the main workout – first up,
lunge-to-push-up-to-lunge! (Lunges,
drops to deep push-ups, jumps back up to a lunge, and continues)
Partner:
You sure this is beginner?
Host:
It is in my class! (On a lunge,
knocks over a light) Shoot!
Partner:
(Runs to fix the light) I’ve got it – keep going!
Host:
But –
Partner:
I SAID “KEEP GOING”!!
Host:
Sheesh. (Smiles at the camera) Time to work on those abs! (Lies down on a mat and does twisting
crunches while kicking out the opposite leg) Faster, faster, mwahahaha!
Partner:
(Back behind the camera) Easy there; you’ll scare off potential viewers.
Host:
There’s no room on this channel for cowards!
Partner:
You might want to ease them into that fact, though.
Host:
(Sighs) Fine, I’ll hold myself back a bit for this session. (To the camera) You get one freebie, Internet
World, you hear me?!
Partner:
No, they don’t.
Host:
Right. (Jumps up) Now, onto high
kicks! (Kicks high up and knocks over
the light again) Unbelievable!
Partner:
(Runs to fix the light, then runs back to the camera) At least I know the
blocking for this area now.
Host:
(Still high-kicking) And we’ve only just begun!
(Does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and
glutes! (Reaches opposite arms to legs
while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle)
Partner:
Whoa, maybe save that move for one of your advance classes.
Host:
(Still cycling) Why? It’s beginner –
advance is doing this while using your teeth to hang off a rope attached to a
plane in flight, but I’ll have to wait for the sponsor big bucks before I can
show off that one.
Partner:
…Please do.
Host:
Ooh, I also should bring out the chains and the monster truck tire –
Partner:
No! This one’s beginner! No equipment!
Host:
Who said “No equipment”?
Partner:
I do! You want to ease everyone in first
so they come back for increasing punishment!
Host:
But what about the rowboat? (Points to
the rowboat in the corner)
Partner:
Nothing!
Host:
I feel so confined – I do need the chair here next, though; how about that?
Partner:
Yes, fine, that’s more of an accessory so go right ahead.
Host:
Sweet. (Stops cycling, jumps up, walks
to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and
starts doing handstand push-ups)
Partner:
Seriously?!
Host:
(Without stopping, turns head to Partner) Why yes, anyone serious about their
health should be able to do this basic move.
(Flips back off the chair into another middle split on the ground)
Partner:
(Flings up arms in resignation) I give up – everything here is going to drive
viewers away, and I am shocked you actually still have students at the gym.
Host:
(Pulling both legs overhead) I hold myself back there, too.
Partner:
You can film yourself from now on, then – I’m taking a permanent lunch
break. (Decamps to the kitchen)
Host:
Go right ahead – I’ve got this all under control, but thanks for your
help! (To the camera, still holding up
legs and now smiling broadly) Make sure to like and subscribe if this video has
changed your life! Wow, I am a natural
at this.
