Story 494: Inappropriate Calf Raises

(In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk along a trail)

Friend 1: I’m just saying, if we want to see any lasting change for the better on this planet, then all of us should start taking some personal responsibility for once in our lives and stop breathing out so much carbon dioxide all day long.

Friend 2: You had me until that last phrase.  (Stops at a World War II memorial stationed next to the trail and spends a few moments reading the dedication and soldiers’ names)

Friend 1: (Leans in closer to read the inscription; to Friend 2) Any relatives of yours?

Friend 2: No; just figured I’d pay my respects, considering the day.

Friend 1: What’s today?  I thought it was just Memorial Day week… end…. (Trails off as Friend 2 gives Friend 1 a withering look) Never mind me.

Friend 2: Unbelievable.

(After a few moments of silence, they continue on the trail)

Friend 1: On another note –

Friend 2: Oh, what banality is it now?

Friend 1: I’ve been noticing lately that we walk for miles and miles every week, and yet my legs still are completely unacceptable.

Friend 2: (Stops walking to face Friend 1, who also stops) What?!

Friend 1: I mean, look at this!  (Raises one leg to demonstrate a weak calf) What do you call that?!

Friend 2: I call that needing more exercise than once a week.  Maybe join a gym?

Friend 1: (Lowers leg as they resume walking) Please.  No, I have no room in my busy schedule of relaxing after work to fit in anything else, but I also can’t believe all this walking is doing bupkis for the very muscles in action.

Friend 2: I don’t know, maybe do some calf raises during the day; those usually are quick and you can do them just about anywhere.

Friend 1: Picking up a baby cow is fast and easy?

Friend 2: …Now I know you can’t be that stupid.  (Stops again to slowly rise and lower on toes several times) These are calf raises.  (Stops those and they both begin walking again)

Friend 1: Ohhhhhhh…. And those’ll turn my legs into steel, then?

Friend 2: They should help, yeah.  And you can do a few anywhere, anytime, like when you’re standing on a long line or something.

Friend 1: Perfect: I know just the places I can do them, and then all my problems will be solved forever.

Friend 2: Wonderful.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a supermarket, Friend 1 is at the end of a long checkout line and suddenly starts bobbing up and down doing calf raises)

Customer: (Waiting behind Friend 1) Line’s pretty long still, if you’re trying to find the end of it.

Friend 1: (Looks back at Customer mid-raise) Huh?  Oh, no, I’m just doing calf raises.

Customer: Oh.  OK.  (Friend 1 turns around and starts bobbing up and down again) Kind of weird.

Friend 1: (While turning back) What?

Customer: What?

THE NEXT DAY

(In a department store before the start of the business day, Friend 1 and coworkers stand in a circle around the customer service desk as Manager leads a meeting)

Manager: – so if we don’t make plan this week then everybody’s hours are getting cut again, but since that’s nothing new let’s move on to Corporate’s project where you all need to sell at least one box of the company’s new cookies every shift – (To Friend 1) am I boring you?

Friend 1: (Stops at the top of a calf raise) Hm?  No, just aggravating – why?

Manager: You’re acting antsy with all that bobbing up and down there.

Friend 1: (Resumes) Just some calf raises to start off the day!

Manager: Not on company time they aren’t.

Friend 1: (Thuds back down on heels) Oh.  (Whispers to Coworker as Manager continues the meeting) How do those affect company time?

Coworker: (Shrugs and whispers back without looking at Friend 1) Don’t ask me; I just work here.

THE NEXT DAY

(At a funeral home, Friend 1 and Cousin sit on folding chairs in the center of the room, surrounded by mourners; the former starts doing calf raises while seated)

Cousin: (Leans over to Friend 1 and whispers) Knock it off.

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers heels to the floor) Good call.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 1 is in the living room doing calf raises while on the phone with Friend 2)

Friend 1: So I took your advice and started doing calf raises everywhere –

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: – and I really have been noticing a difference already; the wobbliness is almost all gone for the first time since high school! 

Friend 2: Well, that’s great, just don’t overdo it.

Friend 1: (Increases speed) Hey, what makes you think I’d overdo it?

Friend 2: I know you.

Friend 1: Point taken, but that’s just nonsense – ah!  (Falls to the floor in agony but never drops the phone)

Friend 2: What, what happened?!

Friend 1: (Uses a knuckle to select the speaker option on the phone, then drops it to grab both calves while grimacing) I pulled the muscles in my both my legs!

Friend 2: Right on schedule.

Story 443: Human Body Complaint Desk

 (Brain is stationed at a table processing complaints from various organs, etc. in an individual human body)

Brain: (To Heart) I understand you’re working harder than you’ve ever had since puberty, but don’t you also think that that work’s long overdue, hm?

Heart: I suppose – just wish you’d ease off a bit on the extreme exercise and let us all work our way up to the hour-long cardio, yeah?  It’s been a while since we had gym class five days a week that kept us moving, and none of us are as young as we used to be.

Brain: Fair enough: I’ll send the signals to scale back our drive from “Make Up for Lost Time” to “Baby Steps,” would that work?

Heart: Definitely.  Ooh, and can you also send a message to reintroduce just a little bit more salt back into the diet?  I’m loving the cleanse, but I do need a smidgen of the old sodium chloride to keep the gears a-movin’.

Brain: (Sighs while taking notes) I’ll see what I can do; all-or-nothing seems to be the only approach Consciousness understands, so conflicting messages may make the whole works start freaking out.  Plus it’s hard sending a direct message on a good day, what with the disconnect and all.

Heart: Whatever you can do would be much appreciated – ta!  (Jogs off)

Brain: (Mutters while still writing notes) Less salt – more salt – run more – run less – I can’t keep up with all these lifestyle changes, and I initiated most of them.  Next!  (Sees Tongue approach, dragging along Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines) Oh, blergh, not you again, Tongue – your complaints have gotten to the point where I’ve pre-screened them all as “Frivolous.”

Tongue: And I’ve chosen to ignore it.  (Releases the other three) Brain: I’ve been patient.  I know, in the past, I’ve led us all a tad astray with my needs and desires which, I admit, have not always been in our collective best interest –

Brain: Putting it mildly: I’m still amazed that the amount of sugar you’ve had us ingest over the years never tipped us over into full-blown diabetes.

Pancreas: (Passing by) You’re welcome, by the way.

Brain: (Casually salutes Pancreas, then returns to Tongue) You were saying?

Tongue: Yes, what I mean is, I’ve been doing my best to make amends for all that, and being a team player with this new “healthy lifestyle” you suddenly got it into yourself to embrace – I’ve never complained once about all the bland, flat fuel that seem to be the only items on the menu now, because I know we all benefit in the long run.

Brain: And I thank you, Tongue; I know this must be difficult for you, so we’re all grateful for your cooperation.

Tongue: Quite.  So, believe me when I say that these three (Grabs Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines and pulls them forward) have crossed the line, and I will not stand for it a second longer!

Stomach: (As all three shake off Tongue) Buzz off, Tongue – I’m still getting over the ulcer all those years of soda wore into my lining!

Small Intestines: And don’t get us started on the decades we’ve had to work overtime extracting whatever nutrition we could from the garbage passing through our tracts!

Large Intestines: I don’t know how we stood it.

Tongue: If you’ve been paying any attention at all here, you know I’m a changed organ!  I concede the error of my ways, and strive to do better.

Brain: So what’s the problem?

Tongue: (Points to the others) These three randomly decided they don’t feel good, so they convinced you – (Points to Brain) to bring in that!  (Points to Ginger, lounging in a chair nearby)

Ginger: `Sup.

Brain: Oh yeah – well, we were told that would help with nausea; what’s it to do with you?  You haven’t minded in the past.

Tongue: Well!  Little did you know – or maybe you secretly did – there was a hidden ingredient tucked away in the depths of this fiend whose spiciness we’ve barely tolerated for the greater good!  (Goes to Ginger, reaches inside, and pulls out Cayenne Pepper) This – ABOMINATION!

Cayenne Pepper: (Waves at everyone) Howdy-do!

Tongue: Ugh!  (Drops Cayenne Pepper; the latter gets up to sit on the chair with Ginger)

Brain: Huh.  What’s that doing there?

Tongue: A very valid question, Your Honor!

Brain: Calm down – this isn’t a trial, it’s just a complaint desk.

Tongue: Right.  So, here I am, helping out some colleagues when they need me –

Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines: HA!

Tongue: – and processing the wildly unpleasant Ginger –

Ginger: Easy there, buddy.

Tongue: – as I have in the past as you said, which is fine, I’ve adjusted – when out of nowhere, some new brand must’ve been picked up or TARGETED, because this one – (Gestures to Cayenne Pepper) bursts onto the scene and literally sets me on fire!

Cayenne Pepper: (Waves off Tongue) A bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?

Tongue: I nearly shut down for a week!  And it wasn’t just me: Eyes’ll tell you all about their system overload!  (Gestures to Eyes) Go on, tell them!

Left Eye: …Well, there may have been a minor tearing-up situation.

Right Eye: No biggie.

Tongue: Could’ve fooled me!

Brain: (To Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines) All right, I’ve heard from the accuser – what do you all have to say for yourselves?

Large Intestines: I agree, it was a bit of a shock too, at first, but as it worked through us the results were very, ah, effective.

Stomach: Nausea all gone, that’s what I care about.

Brain: Indeed, it was quite the whirlwind that day.  (To Ginger and Cayenne Pepper) Anything you want to add?

Ginger: (Stretched out for a nap) Uh-huh: I fail to understand what all this whining’s about.

Cayenne Pepper: Yeah, what can we say?  We get the job done.

Tongue: But what about me???!!!

(Everyone else stares at Tongue)

Brain: Sorry Tongue, but like everything else, you’re just going to have to deal with it.  And I’m not sorry.  (Waves to the waiting Spinal Cord) Next!

Tongue: (Leans across the table to get into Brain’s personal space) Brain, please, I’m begging you: just some potato chips once in a while, or-or a milkshake if we’ve all been really good, anything to offset this new madness of Hot and Hotter!

Brain: Now Tongue, you know if we go back to having those kinds of things regularly, that’s a slippery slope to you wanting them all the time again –

Tongue: I do now!  Is that so wrong?!

Brain: Yes: our doctor said if we didn’t change our ways we’d soon have all the comorbidities.

Tongue: I know, but then don’t turn around and punish me with hellfire!

Cayenne Pepper: Heh, that’s a good one – I think I’ll call myself that now.

Ginger: Don’t push it.

Stomach: (Together with Small Intestines and Large Intestines gently tries to pull Tongue away from the table) Come on, Tongue, your temporary suffering really does help us out big time.

Small Intestines: I’ll say.

Large Intestines: (Looks at Cayenne Pepper) Whoo-whee!

(Cayenne Pepper winks back at them)

Tongue: (Starts weeping while holding onto the table) It’s not fair!  I’m trying to be good, but you all still hate me so!

Brain: (Tiredly beckons Tongue a bit closer) One piece of dark chocolate every few days, OK?  And we’ll work on finding some tasty healthy stuff.

Tongue: (Hugs Brain, now weeping with joy) Bless you, bless you!  (Allows the other three to guide them all away) You won’t regret this!  (Passes by Ginger and Cayenne Pepper) You – !

Ginger and Cayenne Pepper: (Wave cutely at Tongue) Byeeee!!

Brain: Be gracious in victory, please.

Ginger: Hey, we’re the ones helping you all out, don’t forget.  (Leaves with Cayenne Pepper)

Brain: (Shuddering) Don’t I know it.  (To Spinal Cord) Sorry for the wait – what can I do for you?

Spinal Cord: (Approaches the table) Well, I just wanted to let you know that with this new regime of actually getting up throughout the day, and walking, and moving around in general, and intense activity, and better nutrition, and sleeping enough each night, have really done wonders for that constant pain I used to be in – you’re doing a great job, keep up the good work!

Brain: (Taken aback) Oh.  Thank you.  So this isn’t a complaint, then?

Spinal Cord: Not at all!  It’s positive feedback!

Brain: I’m not sure how to deal with that.

Story 440: Feel the Burn: Behind the Scenes

 (At a gym after an intense exercise class)

Host: (Sweating with everyone else) Whoo!  We all did great today, I’m so proud of us, see you next time!

(The attendees stagger out the door as Partner enters)

Partner: (To Host) Hey, you done for the day?

Host: (Toweling off) Almost: got a dance cardio workout starting in 15 minutes, so that’ll be my cool-down for the end of the day.  Wanna go for a five-mile run afterward?

Partner: No thanks: I climbed three flights of stairs in my office building earlier, so I’m all set for the day.

Host: (Chuckles sinisterly) Don’t worry, you’ll join us one of these days.

Partner: You know, I’ve been thinking: why don’t you film some of these routines and put `em online?  You’d probably get a lot of followers and make a nice bit of change with all the views and the ads and the sponsors and the what-nots, assuming they’re not all robots.

Host: (Thinks on that while drinking a full bottle of water, then shakes head) Nah; that actually came up way back in orientation and we were told we’re not allowed to film what we do here; I think it’s viewed as “double-dipping” and a “privacy nightmare,” and they’d be a bit irritated I’m using their facilities to take away their own customers.

Partner: Fair enough – you can film them at home, then.

Host: Ew, have everyone see our apartment, gross!

Partner: Our apartment’s not that gross.

Host: Of course it isn’t; I meant the entire digital world seeing it would be gross.

Partner: Oh – we can just clear out some space for you to film, then; no big deal.

Host: Where, your half of the closet?

Partner: No, silly, in the living room!  We can move the TV over to the other side and you can set up an area by the back wall; I probably just need to relocate the faux Mona Lisa hanging up there right now.

Host: (Thinks some more on that, then nods) Uh-huh, OK, I still have the filming equipment from when my video game live streams failed to take off….

Partner: Oh yes, that.

Host: You think people’d want to see my workouts, though?  I mean, there’re already a bajillion videos to pick from – I think I’m too late to the game and the market’s saturated.

Partner: Possibly, but people here like your classes a lot; yours are uniquely… intense.

Host: (As new class members arrive) That they are: only the exceptionally strong survive in these four walls.  The rest I kick out, and they still love me for it.

Partner: (Backing out the door while the class members set themselves up with their mats) We’ll talk more later – just think about it while you’re… (Waves arms around the room) whatever it is you’re about to do here.

Host: Feel free to sign up!

Partner: You’re funny.  (Runs away)

Host: (Turns on music and faces the class) Hey-hey-hey, everybody!  Ready to dance the night away?!

Class: Yeah!

Host: Well we only have 45 minutes, so this’ll have to do – and kick!  And kick!  And spin!  And split!  And leap! And pirouette!  And high kick!  And spin the other way!  And rond de jambe!  And pas de bourrée!  And higher kick!  And – you!  (Points to a class member in the back, then thumbs to the door) Out!

Class Member: (Head bowed, grabs mat and trots out the door) Yes, Teacher; sorry, Teacher.

Host: (To the rest of the class) Now dip yourselves!

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(In Host and Partner’s living room, half of which has been converted into a film studio)

Host: (Clipping on a small microphone) You realize we can’t have guests over here anymore, right?

Partner: (Adjusting lights and setting up the camera) No worries: I’ve gotten to be a pro at taking down and reassembling all this stuff.

Host: If you say so.  (Reviews notes and lightly bounces on feet) You know, I’m never nervous teaching classes at work, but for some reason right now this is low-key freaking me out.

Partner: Makes sense – this is something the whole world will see; I’d be a wreck if I were you.

Host: Thanks.

Partner: (Walks over to adjust Host’s microphone) The beauty of this is that it’s not live – we can stop whenever you want and fix it in post.

Host: “Post”?

Partner: Post-production.  We can edit out any mistakes later.

Host: Oh.  Well, I don’t want to stop – we’re all supposed to be doing this together, at the same time.  If I keep stopping mid-routine and expect them to keep going, it’ll be inauthentic.

Partner: Whatever you want – just know that we can always start over again from the top if something gets messed up.

Host: There is no “starting over” in my workout classes!  We own our mistakes and commit through to the end, whatever that may be!

Partner: Fine, then consider this take as dress rehearsal, happy?!

Host: Yes.  Proceed.  (Starts generic upbeat music)

Partner: Oh yeah, we’re also gonna have to make sure whatever music you use is public domain or else we’re gonna get sent a takedown notice for the video.

Host: I guess that’s reasonable, yet I feel unreasonably irritated at the possible extra work.  Anything else I should be aware of as I enter the online jungle?

Partner: No, I think that’s it for now – I’ll monitor your comments section and get rid of the trolls and any flame wars.

Host: My hero.  (Takes place in the center of the cleared space as Partner starts the camera, signaling Host to begin)

Host: (Voice cracks) Hey – ahem, cough – Hey-hey-hey!  My name is –

Partner: Your name’ll be on the channel; no one needs to hear it.

Host: Oh.  I had a whole intro and everything.

Partner: Just type it up for the channel description and get to the meat!

Host: Yes, boss. 

Partner: [Grinds teeth]

Host: (Clears throat) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!  This video is a basic cardio workout for all you beginners out there – if this doesn’t scare you away, then stick around for the advance class coming up at undetermined date!

Partner: Edit that last part out.

Host: I want them to know there’ll be an advance class coming up at an undetermined date.

Partner: They’ll either sign up for your alerts or never come back anyway; I’m going to revise your script later, just – keep going!

Host: Rude.  (To the camera) Now, let’s warm up first! (Warms up for five minutes) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!  Now, onto the main workout – first up, lunge-to-push-up-to-lunge!  (Lunges, drops to deep push-ups, jumps back up to a lunge, and continues)

Partner: You sure this is beginner?

Host: It is in my class!  (On a lunge, knocks over a light) Shoot!

Partner: (Runs to fix the light) I’ve got it – keep going!

Host: But –

Partner: I SAID “KEEP GOING”!!

Host: Sheesh. (Smiles at the camera) Time to work on those abs!  (Lies down on a mat and does twisting crunches while kicking out the opposite leg) Faster, faster, mwahahaha!

Partner: (Back behind the camera) Easy there; you’ll scare off potential viewers.

Host: There’s no room on this channel for cowards!

Partner: You might want to ease them into that fact, though.

Host: (Sighs) Fine, I’ll hold myself back a bit for this session.  (To the camera) You get one freebie, Internet World, you hear me?!

Partner: No, they don’t.

Host: Right.  (Jumps up) Now, onto high kicks!  (Kicks high up and knocks over the light again) Unbelievable!

Partner: (Runs to fix the light, then runs back to the camera) At least I know the blocking for this area now.

Host: (Still high-kicking) And we’ve only just begun!  (Does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes!  (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle)

Partner: Whoa, maybe save that move for one of your advance classes.

Host: (Still cycling) Why?  It’s beginner – advance is doing this while using your teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight, but I’ll have to wait for the sponsor big bucks before I can show off that one.

Partner: …Please do.

Host: Ooh, I also should bring out the chains and the monster truck tire –

Partner: No!  This one’s beginner!  No equipment!

Host: Who said “No equipment”?

Partner: I do!  You want to ease everyone in first so they come back for increasing punishment!

Host: But what about the rowboat?  (Points to the rowboat in the corner)

Partner: Nothing!

Host: I feel so confined – I do need the chair here next, though; how about that?

Partner: Yes, fine, that’s more of an accessory so go right ahead.

Host: Sweet.  (Stops cycling, jumps up, walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups)

Partner: Seriously?!

Host: (Without stopping, turns head to Partner) Why yes, anyone serious about their health should be able to do this basic move.  (Flips back off the chair into another middle split on the ground)

Partner: (Flings up arms in resignation) I give up – everything here is going to drive viewers away, and I am shocked you actually still have students at the gym.

Host: (Pulling both legs overhead) I hold myself back there, too.

Partner: You can film yourself from now on, then – I’m taking a permanent lunch break.  (Decamps to the kitchen)

Host: Go right ahead – I’ve got this all under control, but thanks for your help!  (To the camera, still holding up legs and now smiling broadly) Make sure to like and subscribe if this video has changed your life!  Wow, I am a natural at this.

Story 439: Feel the Burn

 (At a restaurant)

Adult Children: (Raising juice glasses disguised as wine glasses in a toast) Happy Mother’s Day!

Mom: (Raises glass in return) Thank you, children – your affection certainly warms the heart.

(They all pause to take a drink)

Adult Child 1: You sure you don’t want anything else this year?  I mean, this brunch is expensively nice, but we could get you a gift on top of that, you know.

Mom: That’s very sweet, honey, but having you both here with a delicious course of Eggs Benedict and freshly squeezed orange juice is enough – the only other thing I could want is your father back here with us, bless his soul.  (They raise their glasses and drink again) Well!  (Definitively sets down the glass and starts slicing into the waffle) This’ll be my last hurrah for a while: tomorrow I’m going to get off my lazy rear and start that workout routing you recommended.  (Nods at Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Oh, well, that’s only if you really want to get ripped –

Mom: I do, yes.  (Chews vigorously)

Adult Child 2: I have to admit I don’t keep up with it as much as I should, with commuting and working overtime and not wanting to get up early and… yeah.

Mom: (Downs the orange juice) Yes, I have no such excuses: happily retired, and you rugrats flew the coop ages ago, so my extracurricular activities can be rearranged willy-nilly.

Adult Child 1: And anyway, you’re not “lazy” – you’re running around all the time doing stuff.

Mom: You’re confusing Present Me with Past Me from when you were growing up; trust me, I sit around waaaaay too much for anyone’s good now.

Adult Child 1: Well, you deserve it after all those years raising us.

Mom: True, but beside the point.

Adult Child 2: (Chuckles) Would it help if we popped out a few grandkids for you to chase after?

Mom: Don’t tease.  No, starting tomorrow, I will join the ranks of the stay-at-home gym devotees – my life will be changed forever.  (Suddenly looks up at Adult Children) Again.

Adult Child 1: (Raises glass) Cheers to that.  (Sees that the glass is empty) Well that’s awkward.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Mom, wearing exercise clothes and sweat bands, sets up a mat on the living room floor, then uses the television to access the Internet and search for the previously mentioned workout video series)

Mom: (Navigating through the videos) “Advanced,” no…. “Extreme,” no…. “Ultra-Extreme,” blazes no.... Where’s “Ultra-Beginner?”  (Types “beginner” with the series name) Aha!  “Novice Baby Steps” – now that’s my speed.  (Starts the video and stands in readiness)

Host: (Extremely fit) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

Mom: Remains to be seen, but continue.

Host: Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: Uh-oh.

Host: For this set, you’re going to need a mat, a wall for balance, a chair –

Mom: Oh no, hold up!  (Pauses the video, runs to the kitchen, and drags a chair into the living room, dumping the seat cushion onto the couch on the way) OK, go!  (Resumes video)

Host: – anchor chains, a pull-up bar, preferably a monster-truck tire but a regular sedan tire will do –

Mom: WHAT?!

Host: – and a rowboat.  You ready?  Let’s go!

Mom: (Pauses the video) Blaaaaazes no!  That was “beginner”?!  Where’s one with no equipment?  (Searches for “beginner no equipment” in the series) OK, this one looks more promising.  (Starts a new video)

Host: (Wearing the same outfit as in the other video) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!  Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: This feels familiar.

Host: For this set, all you’ll need is a mat and a chair.

Mom: Liar – your title said “No Equipment.”

Host: I know the title said “No Equipment,” but that’s technically true – these are accessories.

Mom: Still.

Host: Now, let’s warm up first!

Mom: Ugh, skip!  (Moves the video progress bar to where the workout begins)

Host: (Shaking limbs loose) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!

Mom: (Shaking limbs loose) Sure.

Host: (Lies face-down on a mat; Mom follows suit) OK, let’s do this!  First up: one-handed push-ups!

Mom: Huh?

Host: (Commences one-handed push-ups) Feel free to stay on your knees for this one, newbs!

Mom: (Shifts to knees) Oh I will.

(After sets of push-ups on each hand, Host jumps up)

Host: Now!  Over to the chair.  (Walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups) Easier than using the floor, am-I-right?

Mom: (Stares in shock) If you say so.

Host: (Flips back off the chair, then does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes!  (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle) This is the basic version of the move you’ll find in my advanced class, where we do this while using our teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight – don’t worry though, you should be ready for that by the time we’re through today!

Mom: Heh?

Host: (Jumps onto feet, then jumps up to grab the blades of a spinning ceiling fan while pulling legs up and down) Now, I forgot to mention earlier – (Spin) you will also need a ceiling fan for this – (Spin) so if you don’t have one – (Spin) feel free to hang the chair from the ceiling – (Spin) the effect’s the same – (Spin) Wheeeeeee!!!!!!

Mom: (Stops the video) I think my children are trolling me.  (Calls Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Hi!  Did you try one of the videos yet?

Mom: No, because they’re meant for Olympian gods.  Have you seriously done any of these?!

Adult Child 2: Well, I started one and it looked good, and I thought I was just out of shape and needed to work my way up to it.

Mom: Work your way up?!  You need to have been at the top and launched into outer space to even start one of these!

Adult Child 2: Oh.  I feel better about the whole thing, then.

Mom: Why did you even suggest these to me?

Adult Child 2: I dunno, they looked cool.

Mom: Whatever; I’m going to search for some good old fashioned boot camp routines and let you know how those are, m’kay?

Adult Child 2: Sounds great, thanks!

Mom: Yeah-bye.  (Disconnects the call, searches videos for several more minutes, then makes a selection)

New Host: Hello, and welcome to your health journey!  Let’s begin with some toe touches to warm ourselves up, then we’ll move onto crunches and leg lifts!

Mom: (Repeatedly touches toes and stands, mirroring the video) Now, this is proper exercise.

Story 383: When Hiking, Know Your Way

 (Friend 1 drives with Friend 2 to a state park on a sunny Sunday morning)

Friend 1: You’re gonna love it: woods, streams, swamps, rocks and tree roots to trip over, steep paths that are nearly vertical – it’s a great workout.

Friend 2: Yeah, I’ll try it out but I’m warning you now, I may not be able to keep up if the trail gets too… challenging.

Friend 1: No worries!  I knew you weren’t ready for the – ahem – experienced black diamond trail yet, so I’m taking you on the wimpy green circle one instead.

Friend 2: Gee, thanks, you’re a pal.

Friend 1: (Slams on the brakes at the parking lot entrance) What is this?!

Friend 2: What, is it closed?

Friend 1: Don’t sound so eager – (Points to a sign) they’re making the hikers park all the way over at the lake today!  Guess this tiny-tiny lot can’t handle all the people who’re suddenly coming here on the weekend.  (Cars behind them blast their horns) All right, all right, you’d’ve stopped too if you were the one who was first!  (Speeds through several winding roads to reach the lake parking lot)

Friend 2: So, what, we just loop around to the back end of the trail from here?

Friend 1: (As they park and then exit the car) I guess; I don’t know, I’ve never had to park here to get on the trails before, I’m all discombobulated!

Friend 2: Calm down; what does the map say?

Friend 1: Huh?  Oh right.  (Whips out a park map and turns it around several times) The lake’s here, so we’re here – no, we’re facing it from here, but the playground is on our right, but on here it looks like it’s on our left – (Keeps turning the map around until Friend 2 snatches it)

Friend 2: Well, a trail starts on the other side of the lake, so we probably should follow those people heading over there on the right and see if we can pick it up from that point.

Friend 1: (Snatches the map back and studies it some more) Never follow some randos on a hike: they’re never going where you want to be, and they leave their litter and unleashed dogs just everywhere.

Friend 2: Now you know that’s not true –

Friend 1: AHA!  (Draws a finger around the lake on the map) If we go that way on the left, it’ll loop around to the trail no problem!  Let’s go.  (Strides purposefully to loop around the left side of the lake)

Friend 2: (Stares wistfully at the scattered groups of people on the right side of the lake, then mutters while following Friend 1) Can always turn around....

(They walk on the path for a few minutes until they reach a picnic area)

Friend 1: (Looks at the map) Hm, this must be new; the only picnic area this is showing around here should either be behind us or on the other side.

Friend 2: (Points at an icon) Is it that site way over there?

Friend 1: No, that’s too far away – we’re over here.  (Points to a different spot)

Friend 2: (Looks at the lake and cars passing by on a nearby road, then points at the map again) Seems like we’re more over here and the trail we want starts way over there –

Friend 1: No sense of direction – onward we go!  (Starts ascending a steep and craggy hill)

Friend 2: You sure about that?  Doesn’t seem like that’s an official path.

Friend 1: Get used to it, `cause there’re tons like this all over – it’s called Nature.

Friend 2: Whatever.

Friend 1: Don’t think I don’t know what you mean by that.  And as long as we have the lake in sight, were on the right track, trust me!  Trailhead should be here any minute!

(They climb up, then down, then up, then down, then – )

Friend 2: We’re circling around the other side of the lake now, you know.

Friend 1: (Looks out at the lake, back at their progress, down at the map, turning it on its side, then back at the lake again) Yep: trailhead should be here any minute!

Friend 2: <Sigh>

(They climb up, then down, then up, then down, then – )

Friend 2: (At the top of a root-riddled hill that Friend 1 had leapt down) I’m not certain this is an actual path meant for human beings!

Friend 1: Oh come on, how else are we supposed to get to the trailhead?!  The rangers obviously cleared it for use, look!  (Sweeps arm above the dirt trail)

Friend 2: For goat use, maybe!  And I’m starting to get tired – I don’t think I can get down there without injury.

Friend 1: Fine, if you can’t jump it just hold onto the tree and scootch your way down!  Either way, we are not turning around and going back the way we came, do you hear me?!

Friend 2: Unfortunately yes.  And you can call 911 when I break something.  (Gingerly steps and slips down the hill while holding onto tree trunks)

Friend 1: There: that wasn’t so bad, now was it?

Friend 2: I almost fell three times!

Friend 1: The balance comes with practice.

(They continue around the other side of the lake and emerge into a sandy clearing: from there, they see other hikers who are coming from the parking lot go around the right side of the lake to where a set of stairs lead into the woods.  Friend 1 follows them to a large display that features a map and holds the paper map up against that)

Friend 1: Oh, I see!  We were parked closer to the other side of the lake, so we should’ve come up this way instead and taken those stairs to a cut-through to the trailhead!  (Friend 2 grabs the paper map and whacks Friend 1 with it) I deserve that.

(They continue along the cut-through path, Friend 2 getting slower and slower)

Friend 1: (Breathes deeply) Ah, the wetlands air is so invigorating!

Friend 2: (Stops to drink mightily from a water bottle) It’s having the opposite effect on me at the moment.

Friend 1: (Places an arm around Friend 2’s shoulders) Isn’t this great, though?  The sense of adventure, without any of the risk of having to blaze a trail ourselves?  Ooh, watch your step.

(Friend 2 almost drops several feet as the elevation abruptly shifts again)

Friend 2: I thought you said this was the wimpy trail?!

Friend 1: It will be: this is just a cut-through to get to it from the lake side.  Looks pretty new, too – I think my map may be a bit out-of-date.

Friend 2: <Grinds teeth>

(They finally arrive at another large wooden display)

Friend 1: Yes!  Success!

Friend 2: (Drooping and gasping for air) What is it?  Did we reach the parking lot again?

Friend 1: Don’t be silly, that’s in the completely opposite direction!  (Spreads arms wide towards the display) This is it!

Friend 2: “It?”

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2) The trailhead!  We made it, at last!  Our hike can finally begin!  (Friend 2 slumps over to a nearby bench and tips forward to lie down on it; Friend 1 lowers arms and turns back to the display) Right: give you a minute.