Story 573: Unwittingly Sucked Into The Game

            (In a living room, Spouse 1 leans forward while sitting on the couch, intently watching a football game on the TV)

Spouse 1: (Flings arms up in the air in frustration just as Spouse 2 enters the room putting on a coat) NOOOOO!!!!  Why didn’t they stop him before he made the touchdown?!  What are they even doing out there?!  Why don’t they listen to me??!!

Spouse 2: (While putting on gloves) If it upsets you so much, why do you keep watching it?

Spouse 1: (Without looking away from the TV) Ah, you just don’t understand!

Spouse 2: I understand that it’s an obscene amount of money, time, and mental energy spent on what basically boils down to a bunch of full-grown adults chasing around a ball.

Spouse 1: But – strategy – skill – there’s more to it than that!  (Suddenly stands in horror) He missed it!  He can make a 50-yard field goal and whiffs a basic punt?!  ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!  (Clutches head in despair and collapses back onto the couch)

Spouse 2: (Sighs quietly) You realize you’re giving yourself a heart attack over something that doesn’t even directly affect you.

Spouse 1: (Speaks through hands still clutching head) I’m invested in the human drama of it all.

Spouse 2: Emotionally or financially?

Spouse 1: (Sits back up to watch the TV again) Both: the pool at work’s been getting intense lately.

Spouse 2: And the less I know about that, the better.

Spouse 1: Even without that, it’s, you know….

Spouse 2: What?

Spouse 1: The Thrill of The Game!  (They both watch as a play is made) INTERCEPTION-ARE-YOU-KIDDING-ME????!!!!!  (Grabs a pillow to stifle a scream)

Spouse 2: (Narrows eyes at the TV) Hm.  I can sort of understand how that’s frustrating to watch – that other guy’s teammates were no help at all.

Spouse 1: (Drops the pillow and stares at Spouse 2 in wonder) Yes!  Thank you!  That team has no strategy whatsoever – I’m amazed they even managed to score this season!

Spouse 2: And this is the team you’re rooting for?

Spouse 1: Yeah, well – habit.  (They watch another play; Spouse 1 gestures at the TV) No kidding, of course they’re going to do something reckless in the fourth down, they’ve got less than a minute left on the clock and still have nine yards to go!  (Whistle blows) Aaaaaaand another timeout – like that’s gonna do you any good, ya rookies!

Spouse 2: (Slowly sits on the couch next to Spouse 1, staring at the TV) So, if they actually run the nine yards in time, what does that do for them?

Spouse 1: At this rate they should either kick a field goal or go right for the end zone to make a touchdown and actually get in the lead, but let’s not hope for miracles here.  (A play, then another whistle) TWO FEET?!  HE MADE IT TWO FEET AND GOT DESTROYED?!  (Falls back onto the cushions and sobs)

Spouse 2: Yeah, that guy from the other team totally tripped him; that wasn’t very sporting.

Spouse 1: (Sits up again) What?

Spouse 2: (Points to the slow motion instant replay) See?  The other guy stuck out his foot and tripped him; very foul.

Spouse 1: (Fist pumps the air) Yes, a foul!  Ten-yard penalty, woo-hoo!

Spouse 2: That’s one way to get there.

Spouse 1: (After a few more plays) So, now they’re going to go for the three-point field goal since that’s the best shot they have right now even with the extra yardage literally handed to them.

Spouse 2: Ooh, if they make that will they win then?

Spouse 1: Oh no; we still got three quarters to go.  (They lean forward to watch the field goal kick; Spouse 1 stands in glee) Yes, it’s in!  They got it!

Spouse 2: Wow, it looked like it was veering way off at first, but made it in at the last second; good for that guy!  (As Spouse 1 sits down again) Now what?

Spouse 1: Now our team kicks off to the other team that’ll try to score all the way on the other side of the field – (Both stand as the play starts) He’s going for the touchdown right away, I don’t believe it!

Spouse 2: This is the other team though, right?  Should we be cheering or booing?

Spouse 1: I’m just in awe at the speed – nobody’s even close to catching up!  (The touchdown is made) No seconds to spare!  What a play!

Spouse 2: (As they both sit down again) Well, that was exciting.  What do they do now?

Spouse 1: Now?  Now it’s just getting interesting….

ONE HOUR LATER

(Whistle blows for another foul; Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 both groan in mental anguish while surrounded on the couch by bags of potato chips and pretzels, with several empty soda cans on a nearby table)

Spouse 2: (Coat and gloves were discarded long ago) What’d he do that for?!

Spouse 1: I know!  They never listen to me!

(The other team gets another touchdown)

 Spouse 1 and Spouse 2: (Simultaneously fling their arms up in the air and collapse back onto the couch) ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Spouse 2: If they attempt a two-point conversion, I am going to flip.  My.  Lid!

Spouse 1: (Checks papers) And I’ll be out 100 bucks!

(They both lean in toward the TV as the next play is being set up; Spouse 2’s cell phone suddenly rings)

Spouse 2: (Answers the phone without looking away from the TV) Not now, we’re in overtime!  (Ends the call and tosses the phone over a shoulder to land behind the couch)

(In a restaurant, a small gathering at a round table looks at Host who is on the phone; Host hesitates a moment before putting away the phone and forcing a smile at the others)

Host: Best not to wait any longer.

Others: Ah.  (They all dig into their cooling meals)

(In the living room)

Spouse 2: Another timeout?!  There’re two minutes left on the clock and they’re actually tied!

Spouse 1: (Speaks around biting on the TV remote) I know – the suspense is killing me!

Spouse 2: So what happens if the clock runs out and they’re still tied?

Spouse 1: Ah!  (Drops the remote in horror) Then both teams are out!  But – more importantly – our team is out!

Spouse 2: Well we can’t have that, now can we?!

Spouse 1: Absolutely not!

(During the next play, one of the players catches the ball and runs to the end zone; Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 stand in support)

Spouse 1 and Spouse 2: GO!  GO!  GO!  GO! –

Announcer: Touchdown!  And the game is finally over!

Spouse 1 and Spouse 2: YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!  (They jump up and down while hugging each other, cheering and weeping with joy; after a few minutes, they settle back down on the couch in exhaustion)

Spouse 2: (Almost out of breath) Wow.  I never realized how… exciting just watching sports could be!

Spouse 1: It’s never too late to become a fan!

Spouse 2: Especially now that they just won!

Spouse 1: (Picks up the papers again and starts entering notes with a pencil, wearing a wicked smile) Yes, now that we all just won.

Spouse 2: Hm?

Spouse 1: (Drops the papers and pencil down the side of a couch cushion) Never mind.

Spouse 2: So, now that they won, do they get to bask in the glory of their victory and ridiculous fortunes?

Spouse 1: For a little while, but not for long `cause now they get to advance to the playoffs next week, woohoo!

Spouse 2: Wait, this game wasn’t it?

Spouse 1: Wasn’t what?

Spouse 2: The game.  The last one.

Spouse 1: Oh, not at all: got the playoffs for a few weeks next, and whichever two teams survive those get to go to the Super Bowl.

Spouse 2: And then?

Spouse 1: And then that’s it.

Spouse 2: Oh thank goodness.

Spouse 1: For the season; then in the fall the new season starts and we get to do this all over again!  (Spouse 2 stares at Spouse 1) Isn’t it great?!

Spouse 2: I’m exhausted just thinking about the unending futility of all this – I’m going out, even though the people I was supposed to meet earlier probably never want to see me again.  (Grabs coat and gloves and leaves)

Spouse 1: (Shrugs and uses the remote to raise the volume on the TV) I should’ve mentioned the post-game analysis: that’s where armchair quarterbacking’s down to a fine art.

Story 508: Intense Picture Card Game

(Six family members sit around a circular kitchen table, playing cards in hand)

Adult 1: (Sets the rest of the pile in the middle of the table, picks up the top card, and places it face-up next to the pile; turns to Child 1 on the left) All right, now you go first.

Child 1: OK.... (Sorts cards) Wait a minute…. (Sorts some more) Hold on….

Adult 2 (To Adult 1) Remind me again why we picked the 10-card game?

Adult 1: It ups the stakes.

Adult 2: What stakes?

Child 1: (Finishes sorting hand) Got it!  (Looks at face-up card, then back at hand) I’ve got nothing.

Adult 1: Well that was worth the wait.  (To Adult 2) You go.

Adult 2: (Draws a card, then discards another) Changed the color and the fauna!

Child 2: Oh no, my entire strategy is ruined!

Adult 3: You can’t have too much of a strategy when there’re six players – the game’s direction changes five times before it reaches you.

Adult 4: More if we reverse order… which I’m not planning at the moment….

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: You just went!

Child 1: Nobody’s moving so I thought I missed it.

Child 2: I can’t think with all this chatter – I invoke the Silence Rule!

Adult 1: That’s not recognized in this forum; just go already.

Child 2: Fine.  (Lays down a card)

Adult 3: Yessss!!!!  (Triumphantly throws down a card and turns to Adult 4) In your face!  Draw half the deck now.

Adult 4: (To Adult 3) Remind me on games going forward never to sit next to my spouse.  (Draws half the deck)

Adult 1: Finally.  (Lays down two cards) Now everyone has to draw three cards each or lose a turn.

(Almost everyone else groans)

Adult 4: (As cards spill onto the table while being sorted) I will willingly lose a turn, thanks.

Adult 3: (As everyone except Adult 1 and Adult 4 draws three cards) Doesn’t matter, I can still slam you with a doozy again, AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Adult 4: Seriously, do the marriage vows mean nothing to you?

Adult 1: (To Child 1) You go now.

Child 1: Oh!  Nobody’s moving so I thought it was someone else’s turn.  Ummm….  (Sorts through cards, then lays down five of them on the discard pile) Does anyone have any purples?

Adult 1: You’re supposed to ask that before you discard.

Child 2: I don’t.

Adult 2: I don’t.

Adult 3: I don’t.

Adult 4: (Setting up cards on a music stand) I shockingly don’t.

Child 1: Oh.  (Starts to take the cards back from the pile) Does anyone have –

Adult 1: (Grabs the five cards and sets them back on the pile) Too late, you already asked, the answer’s no, your turn’s over.

Child 1: But I forgot the rule.

Adult 1: Too bad!  Next!

Child 1: Rude.

Adult 2: Does anyone have any lions?

Adults 1, 3, and 4, and Child 2: Yes.

Child 1: (As the others give their cards to Adult 2) How is that even possible?  The odds are astronomical!

Adult 4: (Still sorting) Beats me: I still have half the deck and no winning combination.

Adult 3: It’s OK, hon, I’ve got another card that’ll give you a whole bunch more to play with!

Adult 4: So thoughtful.

Child 2: NOT.  SO.  FAST.  (Lays down a very ornately decorated card)

Adults 1-4 and Child 1: (Lean in to peer at the card in the table’s center) Ooooooooooohhhhhhh….

Child 2: That’s right: I have been the possessor of The Chronos Reversus Card this whole time, and I declare this game REVERSED!

Adult 2: NOOOOO!!!!!  I was winning!

Child 2: Not anymore!  All is undone!  Take that, world!

Adult 4: (Starts sweeping up cards) Sweet.

Adult 1: Hold it!  (Everyone freezes; Adult 1 holds up a card) I, too, have a game-changing card.  (Lays down another, equally ornately decorated card)

Adult 2: (Gasps) The Reversus Reverse!

Adult 3: (To Adult 4) I didn’t think this deck had that one.

Adult 1: Precisely!  (To Child 2) I have undone your undoing, wretch!

Child 2: (Slumps) Aw nuts, this was the first time I ever got to play that card, too.

Adult 1: That’s life.  (To the rest of the table) Well?  The Apocalypse has been cancelled; you may proceed.

Adult 4: Swell.  (Starts sorting cards on the music stand again)

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: No!

Child 1: But you just went.

Adult 1: (Gestures to Child 2) Only to foil that one’s shenanigans – game play will continue with the regular rotation!

Adult 3: So that’s me.  (To Adult 4) Here you go, sweetie!  (Lays down a mostly blank card)

Adult 4: (Leans in to stare at it) Is this the one where I have to take the rest of the deck?

Adult 3: It sure is!

Adult 4: (Picks up the rest of the deck) You know, it’s not so much the cards you’re playing as the utter glee you’re taking in my destruction that makes me want to call a divorce lawyer.

Adult 3: Aw, you love it!

Adult 4: I really don’t.

Child 2: (Points at the now-empty space on the table) Hey, since the deck’s gone what are we supposed to draw from?

Adult 1: I… don’t know; this has never happened before.  (Takes out a thousand-page rule book and starts scanning the index)

Adult 3: Yay, I made history!

Adult 4: (Stands up to stretch out on the floor) Whelp, while we’re waiting for guidance, I’m taking a nap.

Adult 3: And I’m taking your cards!

Adult 4: Please do.

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: (Frantically flipping through the pages) No, it’s mine, but I don’t know what to do yet because I need to draw at least seven cards and now there’s nothing!

Adult 2: (Stands and places cards face-up on the table) I’m taking this as a sign that I won – read `em and weep while I go start dinner.  (Leaves the table and heads for the other side of the kitchen)

Adult 1: Hey, wait, you can’t just leave, we’re – (Sees Adult 2’s cards) oh right, you did win, never mind.

Child 2: (As the rest start turning in their cards) And I thought The Chronos Reversus Card was gonna be the game-ender.

Child 1: At least you got to play a hand – the one time I had something it turned out I messed it up.

Adult 3: (Toeing Adult 4’s side) Wake up, darling, game’s over, all the cards are gone forever now.

Adult 4: (Wakes up yawning) Oh good – I dreamt I was drowning in them.

Adult 1: (Still holding the open rule book after everyone else has dispersed throughout the house) Maybe I should’ve pushed harder for playing all-in poker instead.

Story 487: A Questing Party of Nerds

(In a basement, five players sit around a table where a game board, pieces, guides, and varied-sided dice are set up; all the players except one are wearing capes, long tunics, large hats, and/or gauntlets)

Player 1: (Speaking from over the top of a stand-up game guide perched on the table) Welcome, Fellow Travelers.  Tonight, we continue our quest to find the treasure, slay the noxious beasts, fight for the downtrodden, oppose the overhyped bullies, cast some really cool spells, and maybe reform a few enemies along the way.  (The others nod) But first!  Allow me to introduce the newest member of our noble party, one who seeks adventure and longs for redemption in the doing of honorable deeds – recovering jock and nerd-in-training, Gary.

Players 2-4: Hi, Gary.

Gary: Hi everyone; thanks so much for letting me join your worthy crew.  Although, I do prefer to be described as “Chaotic Neutral.”

Players 2-4: Oooooooh.

Player 1: Well-played, Gary: you will be an asset to our merry band of roguish do-wells.  And now, we will form your fleshed-out and three-dimensional character with the first roll of the die –

Gary: (Fumbles in jacket pocket) Actually, I brought a character I made myself a while ago, if that’s all right.  (Places a heavily armored figurine on the game board) This is Pine Nut, an elven wizard.

Player 2: (Gently touches the figurine) Neat; did you paint this yourself?

Gary: Uh-huh.  Took me weeks `cause I had to squeeze it in-between school and football practice, but totally worth it.

Player 3: (Leans closer and squints at it) And is that an actual steel sword?

Gary: Oh yeah – filed that down from a restaurant steak knife I lifted.

Player 3: Wicked.

Player 1: This is highly unorthodox, but in the interest of time in that our quest must advance at some point tonight, I will allow it.  What are your strengths, your skills, your weaknesses, and all that?

Gary: Oh, uh, let’s see: (Closes eyes and counts on fingers) teleportation, telekinesis, telepathy, impervious to fire and all diseases, only weakness is true love, but he cast a spell over himself to prevent that from ever happening so, yeah.  Oh, and he can bend all of nature to his will.

Player 4: Wooooow, Pine Nut’s invincible.

Player 1: Now hold on, he can’t have all those things!

Gary: Why not?

Player 1: Because he’s OP, that’s why not!  He’ll completely overwhelm everything in our path and be unstoppable!

Player 2: I actually wouldn’t mind having someone like that on our side for a change – I’m getting tired of having our butts constantly kicked.

Player 3: And handed to us.

Player 1: That’s the nature of the quest, my fellows; it’s never meant to be easy.

Player 4: Yeah, but unendingly difficult-to-impossible gets to be tedious.

Player 1: (Sighs mightily) Fine; when we start tonight, would you like me to retcon our recent resounding defeat at the hands of the castle guards’ children?

Players 2-4: YES!

Player 3: So embarrassing.

Player 1: (Scribbles some quick notes on a pad) All right, done: we’re reset back to where we’re on the road leading to the castle, and it’s no longer Take Your Child to Work Day.

Players 2-4: Yippee!

Player 1: And so, let us begin.  (Rolls all the dice and consults the stand-up game guide) As we travel along the well-maintained road through the verdant deciduous forest with our well-met new colleague and friend, Pine Nut –

Gary: (Picks the figurine up slightly off the game board) Howdy!

Player 1: – we see in the distance, approaching ever nearer, a colossal, fanged, tentacled, Druid of the Deepest Deep!  (Places a figurine on the game board that appears to be a kraken in robes) Our path to greatness is obstructed, friends: what shall we do?

Player 2: As an orc sorcerer who practices only moral and ethical magic, I cast a spell of truthfulness upon the being to determine whether Friend or Foe they be.  (Rolls two dice and gasps) They be Foe, and I be smited with an energy-draining blast!

Players 3-4 and Gary: Alas!

Player 1: (Writing notes) Alas indeed, for as you take the hit to your powers, we discover that the Druid of the Deepest Deep has the fiendish purpose to not only foil our quest, but to destroy our very souls!  So, who wants to go next?

Player 3: A human knight of the realm is what’s called for here!  Harken to me, Deepest Druid: I challenge ye to a joust!  (Rolls one die) Oh drat, neither of us have horses.

Player 1: It’s all right; you can roll for an archery contest instead.

Player 3: Thanks.  Oh ho!  I challenge ye to demonstrate your skill with the bow then, foul fiend!  (Rolls five dice, then tilts head to peer at all the numbers) I think that means I lost everything.

Player 1: (Writes notes) Nah, just all your arrows.  Tough break, though.

Player 4: Fear not, brethren!  For I, the halfling traveling troubadour, will lull this inconvenient menace into a state of slumber with a song sung from the purest heart!  (Rolls three dice, then whips out a guitar and starts playing to the tune of “Greensleeves”) <What cad is this/ Who foils our quest – >

Player 1: This is not open mic night – keep your head in the game!

Player 4: (Stops playing and sets aside the guitar) Right, sorry.

Player 1: (Consults notes) It seems that music has the opposite of the intended effect on the Druid of the Deepest Deep, who instead now prepares to EAT US ALL!

Players 2-4 and Gary: Oh, no!

Player 1: We turn to our newest member: oh gallant Pine Nut, what shall ye do, what shall be done?

Gary: Let’s see…. (Thinks for a few moments) OK: I read the Druid of the Deepest Deep’s mind and discover that they just need directions back to the ocean, and I teleport them out there.  Mightily.  (Rolls four dice) Yessss!!!!  Right on the hedrons!

Player 1: …What?!

Player 2: Huh, we probably should’ve led with that.

Player 1: No, no, no, that makes no sense in-game – if the Druid of the Deepest Deep blighted our path simply to ask for the way back home, then why did they first appear as Foe to destroy our souls, hm?

Player 3: Yeah, and why bother with the contest bit?  I lost my whole inventory of arrows!

Gary: (Rolls three dice) Druid was bored and just messing with you.

Player 3: Unbelievable!  Now I have to go back to dagger-throwing until I get arrows again and I don’t have the Agility for that!

Gary: Want me to sell you some?

Player 1: No, Gary!  This is exactly the problem I’d said we’d have – Pine Nut is too OP!

Gary: Sorry, I’m a little out of touch with the lingo: what’s “OP” again?

(The rest stare at Gary in shock)

Player 1: (Through gritted teeth) Over.  Powered.

Gary: Ah, got it.  Wait a second, just because my guy has all the cool powers doesn’t mean that’s a bad thing, right?  Now you can win all of your quests!

Player 1: There’s no point in any of it if all you have to do is steamroll over our enemies!  The struggle is the journey is the destination!

Player 4: And conflict is the essence of drama.

Player 1: Keep the theater overlap to a minimum, please.

Gary: (To Player 1) Well, what do you have to bring to the literal table, then?

Player 1: I’m a dragon wizard – basically a god to you all and your fates are in my claws.  Although most of the time, I’m just the narrator.

Gary: Fine, you want my guy to be weaker?  (Grabs six dice and rolls harshly) There: Pine Nut has lost his ability to teleport, read minds, and vanquish the common cold.  Happy?

Player 1: (Writes some notes) It’s a start, but there’s always room for improvement.

Player 2: (Stands and stretches) Maybe we should call it quits for tonight; I think we got a lot done, though.

Player 1: Your definition of “a lot” and mine differ quite enormously.

Player 3: (Stands with Player 4) Yeah, we should get going, too – we’ll pick up the quest right at the castle gates next week, sound good?

Player 4: Can I recite my freestyle sonnet to befuddle the guards this time?

Player 1: That’s for the dice to determine – but probably not.

Player 4: Drat.

(Players 2-4 leave)

Gary: (Pockets the elven wizard figurine and stands to leave) Well, this has been the most fun I’ve had in a while – thanks again for inviting me.

Player 1: (Packs up the game board and accessories) Of course.  And don’t take what happened with your character personally: as leader of our mental journeys here, I have a responsibility to maintain the integrity of the game.  Otherwise, it’s a free-for-all and we’d never get anywhere.

Gary: Understood.  (The two stare at the now-empty tabletop for a few moments) So… see you in the office tomorrow?

Player 1: I should hope so – your annual evaluation’s still on my calendar for 11:00.