Story 508: Intense Picture Card Game

(Six family members sit around a circular kitchen table, playing cards in hand)

Adult 1: (Sets the rest of the pile in the middle of the table, picks up the top card, and places it face-up next to the pile; turns to Child 1 on the left) All right, now you go first.

Child 1: OK.... (Sorts cards) Wait a minute…. (Sorts some more) Hold on….

Adult 2 (To Adult 1) Remind me again why we picked the 10-card game?

Adult 1: It ups the stakes.

Adult 2: What stakes?

Child 1: (Finishes sorting hand) Got it!  (Looks at face-up card, then back at hand) I’ve got nothing.

Adult 1: Well that was worth the wait.  (To Adult 2) You go.

Adult 2: (Draws a card, then discards another) Changed the color and the fauna!

Child 2: Oh no, my entire strategy is ruined!

Adult 3: You can’t have too much of a strategy when there’re six players – the game’s direction changes five times before it reaches you.

Adult 4: More if we reverse order… which I’m not planning at the moment….

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: You just went!

Child 1: Nobody’s moving so I thought I missed it.

Child 2: I can’t think with all this chatter – I invoke the Silence Rule!

Adult 1: That’s not recognized in this forum; just go already.

Child 2: Fine.  (Lays down a card)

Adult 3: Yessss!!!!  (Triumphantly throws down a card and turns to Adult 4) In your face!  Draw half the deck now.

Adult 4: (To Adult 3) Remind me on games going forward never to sit next to my spouse.  (Draws half the deck)

Adult 1: Finally.  (Lays down two cards) Now everyone has to draw three cards each or lose a turn.

(Almost everyone else groans)

Adult 4: (As cards spill onto the table while being sorted) I will willingly lose a turn, thanks.

Adult 3: (As everyone except Adult 1 and Adult 4 draws three cards) Doesn’t matter, I can still slam you with a doozy again, AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Adult 4: Seriously, do the marriage vows mean nothing to you?

Adult 1: (To Child 1) You go now.

Child 1: Oh!  Nobody’s moving so I thought it was someone else’s turn.  Ummm….  (Sorts through cards, then lays down five of them on the discard pile) Does anyone have any purples?

Adult 1: You’re supposed to ask that before you discard.

Child 2: I don’t.

Adult 2: I don’t.

Adult 3: I don’t.

Adult 4: (Setting up cards on a music stand) I shockingly don’t.

Child 1: Oh.  (Starts to take the cards back from the pile) Does anyone have –

Adult 1: (Grabs the five cards and sets them back on the pile) Too late, you already asked, the answer’s no, your turn’s over.

Child 1: But I forgot the rule.

Adult 1: Too bad!  Next!

Child 1: Rude.

Adult 2: Does anyone have any lions?

Adults 1, 3, and 4, and Child 2: Yes.

Child 1: (As the others give their cards to Adult 2) How is that even possible?  The odds are astronomical!

Adult 4: (Still sorting) Beats me: I still have half the deck and no winning combination.

Adult 3: It’s OK, hon, I’ve got another card that’ll give you a whole bunch more to play with!

Adult 4: So thoughtful.

Child 2: NOT.  SO.  FAST.  (Lays down a very ornately decorated card)

Adults 1-4 and Child 1: (Lean in to peer at the card in the table’s center) Ooooooooooohhhhhhh….

Child 2: That’s right: I have been the possessor of The Chronos Reversus Card this whole time, and I declare this game REVERSED!

Adult 2: NOOOOO!!!!!  I was winning!

Child 2: Not anymore!  All is undone!  Take that, world!

Adult 4: (Starts sweeping up cards) Sweet.

Adult 1: Hold it!  (Everyone freezes; Adult 1 holds up a card) I, too, have a game-changing card.  (Lays down another, equally ornately decorated card)

Adult 2: (Gasps) The Reversus Reverse!

Adult 3: (To Adult 4) I didn’t think this deck had that one.

Adult 1: Precisely!  (To Child 2) I have undone your undoing, wretch!

Child 2: (Slumps) Aw nuts, this was the first time I ever got to play that card, too.

Adult 1: That’s life.  (To the rest of the table) Well?  The Apocalypse has been cancelled; you may proceed.

Adult 4: Swell.  (Starts sorting cards on the music stand again)

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: No!

Child 1: But you just went.

Adult 1: (Gestures to Child 2) Only to foil that one’s shenanigans – game play will continue with the regular rotation!

Adult 3: So that’s me.  (To Adult 4) Here you go, sweetie!  (Lays down a mostly blank card)

Adult 4: (Leans in to stare at it) Is this the one where I have to take the rest of the deck?

Adult 3: It sure is!

Adult 4: (Picks up the rest of the deck) You know, it’s not so much the cards you’re playing as the utter glee you’re taking in my destruction that makes me want to call a divorce lawyer.

Adult 3: Aw, you love it!

Adult 4: I really don’t.

Child 2: (Points at the now-empty space on the table) Hey, since the deck’s gone what are we supposed to draw from?

Adult 1: I… don’t know; this has never happened before.  (Takes out a thousand-page rule book and starts scanning the index)

Adult 3: Yay, I made history!

Adult 4: (Stands up to stretch out on the floor) Whelp, while we’re waiting for guidance, I’m taking a nap.

Adult 3: And I’m taking your cards!

Adult 4: Please do.

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: (Frantically flipping through the pages) No, it’s mine, but I don’t know what to do yet because I need to draw at least seven cards and now there’s nothing!

Adult 2: (Stands and places cards face-up on the table) I’m taking this as a sign that I won – read `em and weep while I go start dinner.  (Leaves the table and heads for the other side of the kitchen)

Adult 1: Hey, wait, you can’t just leave, we’re – (Sees Adult 2’s cards) oh right, you did win, never mind.

Child 2: (As the rest start turning in their cards) And I thought The Chronos Reversus Card was gonna be the game-ender.

Child 1: At least you got to play a hand – the one time I had something it turned out I messed it up.

Adult 3: (Toeing Adult 4’s side) Wake up, darling, game’s over, all the cards are gone forever now.

Adult 4: (Wakes up yawning) Oh good – I dreamt I was drowning in them.

Adult 1: (Still holding the open rule book after everyone else has dispersed throughout the house) Maybe I should’ve pushed harder for playing all-in poker instead.

Story 487: A Questing Party of Nerds

(In a basement, five players sit around a table where a game board, pieces, guides, and varied-sided dice are set up; all the players except one are wearing capes, long tunics, large hats, and/or gauntlets)

Player 1: (Speaking from over the top of a stand-up game guide perched on the table) Welcome, Fellow Travelers.  Tonight, we continue our quest to find the treasure, slay the noxious beasts, fight for the downtrodden, oppose the overhyped bullies, cast some really cool spells, and maybe reform a few enemies along the way.  (The others nod) But first!  Allow me to introduce the newest member of our noble party, one who seeks adventure and longs for redemption in the doing of honorable deeds – recovering jock and nerd-in-training, Gary.

Players 2-4: Hi, Gary.

Gary: Hi everyone; thanks so much for letting me join your worthy crew.  Although, I do prefer to be described as “Chaotic Neutral.”

Players 2-4: Oooooooh.

Player 1: Well-played, Gary: you will be an asset to our merry band of roguish do-wells.  And now, we will form your fleshed-out and three-dimensional character with the first roll of the die –

Gary: (Fumbles in jacket pocket) Actually, I brought a character I made myself a while ago, if that’s all right.  (Places a heavily armored figurine on the game board) This is Pine Nut, an elven wizard.

Player 2: (Gently touches the figurine) Neat; did you paint this yourself?

Gary: Uh-huh.  Took me weeks `cause I had to squeeze it in-between school and football practice, but totally worth it.

Player 3: (Leans closer and squints at it) And is that an actual steel sword?

Gary: Oh yeah – filed that down from a restaurant steak knife I lifted.

Player 3: Wicked.

Player 1: This is highly unorthodox, but in the interest of time in that our quest must advance at some point tonight, I will allow it.  What are your strengths, your skills, your weaknesses, and all that?

Gary: Oh, uh, let’s see: (Closes eyes and counts on fingers) teleportation, telekinesis, telepathy, impervious to fire and all diseases, only weakness is true love, but he cast a spell over himself to prevent that from ever happening so, yeah.  Oh, and he can bend all of nature to his will.

Player 4: Wooooow, Pine Nut’s invincible.

Player 1: Now hold on, he can’t have all those things!

Gary: Why not?

Player 1: Because he’s OP, that’s why not!  He’ll completely overwhelm everything in our path and be unstoppable!

Player 2: I actually wouldn’t mind having someone like that on our side for a change – I’m getting tired of having our butts constantly kicked.

Player 3: And handed to us.

Player 1: That’s the nature of the quest, my fellows; it’s never meant to be easy.

Player 4: Yeah, but unendingly difficult-to-impossible gets to be tedious.

Player 1: (Sighs mightily) Fine; when we start tonight, would you like me to retcon our recent resounding defeat at the hands of the castle guards’ children?

Players 2-4: YES!

Player 3: So embarrassing.

Player 1: (Scribbles some quick notes on a pad) All right, done: we’re reset back to where we’re on the road leading to the castle, and it’s no longer Take Your Child to Work Day.

Players 2-4: Yippee!

Player 1: And so, let us begin.  (Rolls all the dice and consults the stand-up game guide) As we travel along the well-maintained road through the verdant deciduous forest with our well-met new colleague and friend, Pine Nut –

Gary: (Picks the figurine up slightly off the game board) Howdy!

Player 1: – we see in the distance, approaching ever nearer, a colossal, fanged, tentacled, Druid of the Deepest Deep!  (Places a figurine on the game board that appears to be a kraken in robes) Our path to greatness is obstructed, friends: what shall we do?

Player 2: As an orc sorcerer who practices only moral and ethical magic, I cast a spell of truthfulness upon the being to determine whether Friend or Foe they be.  (Rolls two dice and gasps) They be Foe, and I be smited with an energy-draining blast!

Players 3-4 and Gary: Alas!

Player 1: (Writing notes) Alas indeed, for as you take the hit to your powers, we discover that the Druid of the Deepest Deep has the fiendish purpose to not only foil our quest, but to destroy our very souls!  So, who wants to go next?

Player 3: A human knight of the realm is what’s called for here!  Harken to me, Deepest Druid: I challenge ye to a joust!  (Rolls one die) Oh drat, neither of us have horses.

Player 1: It’s all right; you can roll for an archery contest instead.

Player 3: Thanks.  Oh ho!  I challenge ye to demonstrate your skill with the bow then, foul fiend!  (Rolls five dice, then tilts head to peer at all the numbers) I think that means I lost everything.

Player 1: (Writes notes) Nah, just all your arrows.  Tough break, though.

Player 4: Fear not, brethren!  For I, the halfling traveling troubadour, will lull this inconvenient menace into a state of slumber with a song sung from the purest heart!  (Rolls three dice, then whips out a guitar and starts playing to the tune of “Greensleeves”) <What cad is this/ Who foils our quest – >

Player 1: This is not open mic night – keep your head in the game!

Player 4: (Stops playing and sets aside the guitar) Right, sorry.

Player 1: (Consults notes) It seems that music has the opposite of the intended effect on the Druid of the Deepest Deep, who instead now prepares to EAT US ALL!

Players 2-4 and Gary: Oh, no!

Player 1: We turn to our newest member: oh gallant Pine Nut, what shall ye do, what shall be done?

Gary: Let’s see…. (Thinks for a few moments) OK: I read the Druid of the Deepest Deep’s mind and discover that they just need directions back to the ocean, and I teleport them out there.  Mightily.  (Rolls four dice) Yessss!!!!  Right on the hedrons!

Player 1: …What?!

Player 2: Huh, we probably should’ve led with that.

Player 1: No, no, no, that makes no sense in-game – if the Druid of the Deepest Deep blighted our path simply to ask for the way back home, then why did they first appear as Foe to destroy our souls, hm?

Player 3: Yeah, and why bother with the contest bit?  I lost my whole inventory of arrows!

Gary: (Rolls three dice) Druid was bored and just messing with you.

Player 3: Unbelievable!  Now I have to go back to dagger-throwing until I get arrows again and I don’t have the Agility for that!

Gary: Want me to sell you some?

Player 1: No, Gary!  This is exactly the problem I’d said we’d have – Pine Nut is too OP!

Gary: Sorry, I’m a little out of touch with the lingo: what’s “OP” again?

(The rest stare at Gary in shock)

Player 1: (Through gritted teeth) Over.  Powered.

Gary: Ah, got it.  Wait a second, just because my guy has all the cool powers doesn’t mean that’s a bad thing, right?  Now you can win all of your quests!

Player 1: There’s no point in any of it if all you have to do is steamroll over our enemies!  The struggle is the journey is the destination!

Player 4: And conflict is the essence of drama.

Player 1: Keep the theater overlap to a minimum, please.

Gary: (To Player 1) Well, what do you have to bring to the literal table, then?

Player 1: I’m a dragon wizard – basically a god to you all and your fates are in my claws.  Although most of the time, I’m just the narrator.

Gary: Fine, you want my guy to be weaker?  (Grabs six dice and rolls harshly) There: Pine Nut has lost his ability to teleport, read minds, and vanquish the common cold.  Happy?

Player 1: (Writes some notes) It’s a start, but there’s always room for improvement.

Player 2: (Stands and stretches) Maybe we should call it quits for tonight; I think we got a lot done, though.

Player 1: Your definition of “a lot” and mine differ quite enormously.

Player 3: (Stands with Player 4) Yeah, we should get going, too – we’ll pick up the quest right at the castle gates next week, sound good?

Player 4: Can I recite my freestyle sonnet to befuddle the guards this time?

Player 1: That’s for the dice to determine – but probably not.

Player 4: Drat.

(Players 2-4 leave)

Gary: (Pockets the elven wizard figurine and stands to leave) Well, this has been the most fun I’ve had in a while – thanks again for inviting me.

Player 1: (Packs up the game board and accessories) Of course.  And don’t take what happened with your character personally: as leader of our mental journeys here, I have a responsibility to maintain the integrity of the game.  Otherwise, it’s a free-for-all and we’d never get anywhere.

Gary: Understood.  (The two stare at the now-empty tabletop for a few moments) So… see you in the office tomorrow?

Player 1: I should hope so – your annual evaluation’s still on my calendar for 11:00.

Story 433: Video Game Racers

 (Downtime during a family party, Older Cousin wanders into the hosting family’s den and sees Younger Cousin sitting on the couch and playing a video game on the TV)

Older Cousin: Neat – which game is this?

Younger Cousin: (Continues zooming around the virtual course) “Surpassing Siblings Car Race: Grand Prize.”

Older Cousin: (Watches for a bit) Those characters look familiar….

Younger Cousin: Oh yeah, it’s the latest in the “Surpassing Siblings” series.  (Pauses the race, navigates through the system’s main menu, and retrieves a retro-looking, extremely pixelated game) Here’s a version using the original images: they labeled it “Classic Surpassing Siblings: Car Race.”

Older Cousin: “Classic”?!  But I played those games when I was a… kid.

Younger Cousin: (Resumes the first game) If it makes you feel any better, they’ll probably label this version “Classic” by the time I’m your age, which’ll be here before you know it.

Older Cousin: That does help, thanks.

Younger Cousin: (Finishes the race, picks up another game controller, and holds it out to Older Cousin) Would you like to play with me?  It gets a little routine playing against the bots, and my parents discourage me from going online too much and playing against potential trolls.

Older Cousin: (Slowly takes the controller and sits next to Younger Cousin on the couch) I don’t know – I haven’t played much of anything in literally decades, and never with this type of controller….

Younger Cousin: It hasn’t changed too much over the years.  (Points to the buttons) That one makes you go forward, that one makes you turn, this and that make you jump, and this and that make you throw things at the other racers.

Older Cousin: (Nods while examining the controller) OK, cool, I think it’s all coming back to me now.  (Looks up at the screen as Younger Cousin navigates the menu) Which character should I pick?

Younger Cousin: I usually go with Luis, so if you don’t mind me sticking with him then anyone else is fair game.

Older Cousin: (Navigates through the menu) I think I’ll go with… Baroness Berry.  I always liked her sass.

Younger Cousin: (Navigates through the menu) Is it all right with you we race on Topsy-Turvy-Twisty Trail?  It’s not too advanced: there’s only one wormhole hidden on the track.

Older Cousin: …That sounds just fine.

Younger Cousin: (Sets up the course) All right – first one who does three laps wins.  You ready?

Older Cousin: (Muttering while leaning forward on the couch, controller at the ready) Yep, it’s all coming back to me….

 SURPASSING SIBLINGS CAR RACE: GRAND PRIZE

(Luis and Baroness Berry rev their little cars’ engines at the starting grid, surrounded by eight other competitors)

Baroness Berry: (Holding a shiny ball; to Luis) Hey, I don’t remember this in the original game; what is it?

Luis: Glitter bomb.  Really throws everyone for a loop when it goes off.

Baroness Berry: Oh.  (Looks closer at the ball) Sparkly.

 3 – 2 – 1 – GO!

Luis: And we’re off!  (Zooms away down the track and immediately overtakes everyone in the race)

Baroness Berry: (Slowly moves forward, then begins to drift to the right) Hang on – (Tries to turn left, instead turns more right) Wait a sec – (Crashes into a wall, then starts sliding along it)

Robot Player 1: (While speeding by, slows down long enough to toss a projectile at Baroness Berry) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: Huh?  (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds)

Luis: (Slows down while passing by) Just toss your glitter bomb or anything else in your stash as these guys pass.  (Activates a rocket booster to fly over other racers and make up the lost seconds)

Baroness Berry: I’m still trying to figure out how to go in a straight line!  (Starts moving forward and begins picking up speed) Yes – (Passes several racers as they cross a lagoon) Yes – (A sharp turn in a sudden corn field comes up; Baroness Berry tries to turn with it but crashes into a wall again) No – (Slides along the wall, then starts driving in large circles in the middle of the track) No –

Robot Player 2: (Speeding by) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds, then throws the glitter bomb where Robot Player 2 is no longer) Revenge!  (The glitter burst all over the screen but no other racers are affected, since they all are on the other side of the track) So much for that.  (Starts driving in large circles again) No –

Luis: (Passing by) Try hitting the top button.

Baroness Berry: I am hitting the top button!  Why won’t this thing steer straight when I tell it to?!  (Starts to drive diagonally across the track, running over grass and random objects) Does it still count if I go this way?

Luis: (Using dry ice and dish detergent to confound and scatter the other racers) Not sure – never took that way before.

Baroness Berry: (Crashes into Luis on the other side of the track; both spin around) Oh, hello there.

Luis: Hi.  (Dry ices Baroness Berry)

Baroness Berry: Hey!  I’m losing anyway!

Luis: Sorry – force of habit.  (Zooms away)

Baroness Berry: (Moves forward, immediately crashing into a wall) Oh come on!

Robot Player 3: (Speeding by) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds, then zooms after Robot Player 3 and tosses a glitter bomb at the latter’s car; bull’s-eye) Aha!  Take that!  Hey, I think I finally got the hang of – (Crashes into a wall)

Luis: (Crosses the finish line to Robot Audience applause; to Baroness Berry) Not bad – let’s see our scores.

 1^ST PLACE: LUIS – 5,365 POINTS

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-

-

10^TH PLACE: BARONESS BERRY – 4 POINTS

 Older Cousin: (Raises arms in triumph) Woo-hoo!  More than zero!

Younger Cousin: Yeah, you got a good shot in at the end there.

Older Cousin: (Sets the controller down on the coffee table and rubs eyes) Thanks, but I’m really feeling my age right now.  I can’t believe I couldn’t even steer straight!

Younger Cousin: Well, like everything else, it takes practice even if you’ve done something similar to it before.  You still got most of the basics down, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Older Cousin: Thanks, kid.  (Stretches stiff muscles and creaking bones) Whelp, stuff like this certainly put things in perspective.

Younger Cousin: That it does.  (Starts navigating the menu) Wanna go again?

Older Cousin: (Snatches up the controller from the table) You betcha.