Story 526: Laziness Life Goal

             (In a high school administration office, Guidance Counselor and Student sit on opposite sides of a desk)

Guidance Counselor: So, it’s that time of life where we basically go over what you want to be when you grow up.  I see in your transcripts that you excel academically and have been taking every college prep course available; you’ve been doing well in sports, mainly track and field; you belong to several clubs that work with the community; you play several instruments in all the bands here and step in with chorus if needed; you’ve been Class Treasurer, Secretary, and Vice President these past three years with election to President extremely likely next year; you work two part-time jobs most nights and weekends and three during the summer; and you volunteer with both the local humane society and the county paramedics.  My only question for you is this: where exactly would you like to focus all this energy into, as a career?

Student: (Leaning back in the chair) Career?

Guidance Counselor: Yes – your interests seem to be a bit all over the place, so tell me: what is your ultimate goal in life?

Student: (Leans back farther in the chair to stretch) Whelp, my true ambition can be boiled down to one word: laziness.

Guidance Counselor: I beg your pardon?

Student: No need.  (Sits up straight) Listen, I do all this – (Waves hand in the general direction of Guidance Counselor’s papers and computer) stuff on a surface-level basis; my heart’s not really in any of these things, you know.

Guidance Counselor: Clearly.

Student: So, I’m doing all these activities 24/7 now, while I’m mentally and physically able, to get to the point where I’m super-successful and then don’t have to do anything ever again.

Guidance Counselor: Well, that’s called “retirement,” which should’ve been about 50 years from now for you but more likely will be 60-to-70 at the rate things are going.  Mine got pushed back at least another 15 years, so I completely empathize with subsequent generations.

Student: …Yeah, I’m not waiting that long.

Guidance Counselor: Understandable.  So, what field do you plan to be super-successful in, hm?

Student: All of them.

Guidance Counselor: Ambitious, but let’s narrow it down to one or two.

Student: I’m serious.  I plan to succeed in math, science, literature, history, civics, religion, technology, sports, art, music, espionage, agriculture, dubiously-ethical archaeology, monarchy, and space exploration.  (Guidance Counselor stares at Student) That list isn’t comprehensive, though – it grows every few months.

Guidance Counselor: Barring the… physical impossibility of one person being able to do all of that, you’re telling me that you plan to not only accomplish but succeed in all these things solely to reach your end goal of… doing nothing?

Student: Exactly.

Guidance Counselor: Why not save yourself the trouble and just do nothing now?

Student: (Sighs tragically) Societal expectations.  When I reach the moment in my life where I can do nothing with no repercussions, I want everyone in the world to feel that it is well-deserved and not that I’m a leech on society.  Oh, the pressures of communal judgement on such a young, extraordinary mind as mine!  (Grabs head in despair)

Guidance Counselor: (Writes notes) I’m going to recommend that you apply to universities with programs in political science and legal studies - they’ll appreciate your strong work ethic and sense of drama.

Student (Look back up at Guidance Counselor) OK, sounds good.

TWENTY YEARS LATER

(Student-Now-Success stands on a balcony overlooking luscious gardens and many buildings, pools, and sports fields on a private estate, and smiles in contentment)

Success: I did it: today’s the day, at long last.  (Turns back inside to a sumptuous parlor, sits down on a massive couch facing a gargantuan table, opens a tiny laptop, and navigates to a site to address The World) Good people of Earth: today I am announcing my official retirement from all public activities, that have been and always will be in service of this glorious planet.

People of Earth: (Through the computer’s speakers) Awwwwwwww….

Success: (Briefly holds up a placating hand) I know, I know; this may seem sudden and quite early in my presumably long life, but please, don’t cry for your loss of me – the work will always continue, and there will always be hardworking volunteers to succeed me in our glorious opportunities.  Do not weep, do not mourn – I only ask that you remember me fondly, and don’t try to initiate contact: after I end this transmission, I’m never answering another message again.  (Ends the transmission to the sounds of worldwide wailing, shuts down the laptop, leans back on the couch, and closes eyes in bliss.  Several seconds later, eyes reopen suddenly) Now what?

Story 518: Post-Thanksgiving Lethargy

 EARLY THANKSGIVING WEEK

             Friend 2: (Answers a cell phone while working at an office desk) Hi, what’s up?

Friend 1: (On a cell phone in a department store break room) So, you’ll never guess what happened to me today!

Friend 2: You’re right, I won’t, so just tell me.

Friend 1: Well, it turns out for once in this… lovely store, too many people got scheduled to work on Black Friday so my manager asked me first if I wanted the day off since I’ve worked it for decades, so I jumped on that and now I don’t have to work that day!

Friend 2: Wow, that’s great, good for you.

Friend 1: I know, right?  I can scarcely believe it – the entire day after Thanksgiving, all to myself!  I don’t even know where to begin!

Friend 2: If you like, you can join my group this year as we go shopping for all the sales.

Friend 1: Heck no: you all get up at 3:00 in the morning after a holiday, and I’d also rather not spend my free time in the same type of place I already spend 40+ hours a week in, only now it would be 100 times worse with the holiday rush.  I’d actually rather still be working that day; at least then I’d be paid for the aggravation.

Friend 2: Figured I’d offer.  So, any idea what you’d like to do that day instead?

Friend 1: I don’t know; relax, for starters.

Friend 2: Definitely.

Friend 1: Maybe clean up the place a bit.

Friend 2: You?!

Friend 1: Cute.  Maybe go for a walk if it’s not too cold out.  Maybe go to the mountains, maybe the beach.  The possibilities are endless!

Friend 2: Well, whatever you wind up doing that day, have fun, and have a Happy Thanksgiving – I have to go back to work now.

Friend 1: Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!  (Ends the call and clutches the cell phone in glee) This is gonna be great!

 DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING

 9:00 A.M.

(Friend 1 wakes up smiling, turns to an alarm clock that is not alarmed, and rolls back with eyes closed)

Friend 1: Just a few more minutes… not like I’m going anywhere….

10:00 A.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats breakfast in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-breakfast nap to aid the digestion….

12:00 NOON

Friend 1: …Maybe another five minutes….

2:00 P.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats lunch in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-lunch nap to aid the digestion... then I’ll start the day for sure….

5:00 P.M.

(Friend 1’s phone rings)

Friend 1: (Gropes around the bedside table in the darkening room to answer the phone) Mmmm-what’s up?

Friend 2: (On the phone while standing on a never-ending line in a department store) Did you get out of bed at all today?

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Of course I did.

Friend 2: Besides eating.

Friend 1: …Definite “out”.

Friend 2: Unbelievable – I swam upstream through several seas of humanity to finish my gift shopping for the next two years, and you’re lounging about doing absolutely nothing but sleep!

Friend 1: I’ll have you know, sleep is very important to one’s health and should not be neglected, and I needed extra of it to recover from yesterday.

Friend 2: Recover from what?!  Eating too much?!

Friend 1: And drying several dishes, along with one or two utensils, I might add.

Friend 2: Lazy!  You are a lazy, lazy lump!

Friend 1: I resent that!  This is the first Black Friday I’ve had off in over 20 years, and I’ll spend it however I darn well please!  Even if it’s spent in minimal-to-nil activity.

Friend 2: You’re right, I’m sorry – I shouldn’t be so judgmental, you work hard and you deserve to enjoy your day off however you like.

Friend 1: Thank you, I appreciate that.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Well, the group’s almost finished with our last store and then heading out to dinner, so maybe we’ll do lunch or something next weekend, OK?

Friend 1: (Leans forward) Ooh, since you’re still out shopping could you pick me up some wrapping paper and bows and gift bags and tags and ribbons and tape?... Hello?... (Holds out the phone and sees on the display that the call had ended; sets the phone onto the table and lies back on the bed) Maybe another five minutes….

Story 476: How Easy It Is to Not Do Something

(On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, whatcha doing?

Sibling 2: Oh, not much, just taking the kids to school soon, then gotta get to work for the next eight-and-a-half hours, plus squeeze in food shopping somewhere between the end of my shift and picking the kids up from school, and cooking –

Sibling 1: That’s great; I need your advice on something.

Sibling 2: Sure, go ahead.

Sibling 1: I’ve got this huge mess in the apartment that’s really just the smaller messes joining forces into one giant horde, and it’s been hanging over me that I should do something about it, and I don’t know, what do you think?

Sibling 2: …Seriously?!

Sibling 1: It’s really bothering me.

Sibling 2: (Sighs) I dunno, maybe just throw everything out at this point.

Sibling 1: Now that’s plain wasteful.  And I might want to keep a few things that’re hiding at the bottom.

Sibling 2: Then just tackle it a bit at a time and go through what you want to keep and want you can get rid of.

Sibling 1: (Whines) But that’ll take forever!

Sibling 2: Fine, you’ve gone this long living with it so keep on not doing anything about it then; the world won’t end.

Sibling 1: Really?  It won’t?

Sibling 2: (Sighs again) Yes, it’ll only actually end as the sun expands into a red giant.  I’m hanging up now.  (Ends the call)

Sibling 1: (Staring into the middle distance) The world won’t end if I don’t do a thing….

(At a department store)

Supervisor (To Sibling 1): Hey – you gonna get around to taking care of the reshelves sometime tonight or what?

Sibling 1: (Was zoned out while leaning against a fixture) Eh?

Supervisor: I said, we’ve got a leaning tower of reshelves – you gonna put those away anytime soon?

Sibling 1: That sounds different from what you said the first time.

Supervisor: And?!

Sibling 1: And I’ll get right on those. 

Supervisor: (Smiles tightly) Thank you.  (Mutters while walking away) Weirdo slacker.

Sibling 1: (Resumes zoning out) Eventually….

(In Sibling 1’s apartment)

Sibling 1: (While opening mail, reads a notice) “Please reply with your donation in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile and opens another) “Please remit payment for this bill in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile and opens another) “Please submit your annual tax return in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile, which heaves as it expands once again)

(At a café)

Sibling 2: (Enters in a rush, sees Sibling 2 at a table, and heads over there to sit) Hey, sorry I’m late: had to take the dog to the vet, and then start the turkey and hors d’ouevres and sheet cake for the party tonight –

Sibling 1: Yeah, sounds fun – I picked us up coffee and muffins, but that was a chore, let me tell you.  (Slides over Sibling 2’s drink and dish)

Sibling 2: How’s that?  (Blow vigorously on the coffee and proceeds to down it)

Sibling 1: Well, I took your advice and cut a lot of activity out of my life –

Sibling 2: (Mouth full of muffin) Huh?

Sibling 1: – and I’ve been noticing that the less I’ve been doing, the less I want to do.

Sibling 2: Is this about that garbage-dump mess in your apartment?  `Cause I can help you go through all that stuff if you want.

Sibling 1: (Sighs softly and settles even more into the chair) You’re very generous with your time and talent, but the mess and I have reached an understanding.  No, it’s gone way past that now: I’m just finding it easier and easier not to do things I don’t want to do, and I’m suffering few to zero consequences for it so I’m incrementally doing even more… less, if that’s actually possible.

Sibling 2: (Finishes the muffin) Heh, lucky.

Sibling 1: Don’t rush to envy: as much of a blessing, `tis also a curse.  There are fewer things I want to do now, and I’m choosing more often not to do them.  I’m surprised I even made it here today.

Sibling 2: Oh no, are you suffering from depression?

Sibling 1: No, nothing that legitimate: I’m just incredibly lazy.

Sibling 2: Oh.  Then get over it.

Sibling 1: That would require actual effort on my part, and my current lifestyle is the complete opposite of that.

Sibling 2: (Checks wristwatch, stands, and grabs wallet) Well, this was lovely – I gotta go make sure the kids are done cleaning the house and then finish what they missed, so good luck with your newfound life of leisure, I’m sure you’ll have a wonderfully miserable time.  (Tosses some money on the table) I assume you somehow managed to stir yourself enough to pay the cashier, so here’s my half.  I’m going back to my nonstop life now, byyyeeee!!!  (Takes the coffee cup and dish to deposit them at the garbage area, and leaves in a rush)

Sibling 1: (Stares at the money, coffee, and muffin) But it’s so easy not to do something; no effort at all.

Employee: (Wipes down Sibling 2’s side of the table) Not to hurry you out, but we’ve got a line of people waiting to sit and you’ve been here almost an hour, just saying.  (Moves on to wipe down other occupied tables)

Sibling 1: (Sighs again and gently picks at the mostly-intact muffin) So easy….

Story 473: When the Child You Raise Is You

(In a tiny apartment, Parent Self is stirring a pot of stew on the stove while loud music is blaring in the background)

Parent Self: You know, it hasn’t been easy.  You try to teach yourself right; you tell yourself, “This is what you have to do to get somewhere in life; this is what you need to sacrifice; this is how hard you have to work to make something of yourself.”  And, it’s as if I haven’t said a single word.  To myself.

Child Self: (Slumps in from the living room, appearing exactly the same as Parent Self but much shabbier) Oh hey – (Gestures to the pot) don’t bother with that; already ordered takeout.

Parent Self: (Stares at Child Self) This stew is extremely better for us than takeout.

Child Self: I know, but that’s also, you know, work.  Pay someone else to do it.  (Slumps back into the living room)

Parent Self: (Sighs as the pot disappears) I sometimes wonder why I still bother trying.

(That evening, Child Self is sprawled across the living room couch watching a movie and eating messily from a takeout container when Parent Self starts vacuuming)

Child Self: (With mouth full, pausing the video) Do you have to do that now?!

Parent Self: (Shuts off the vacuum cleaner; says sweetly) I’m sorry, was I interrupting something important?

Child Self: (Sheepishly) No….

Parent Self: Well then.  (Resumes vacuuming)

Child Self: But why now?!

Parent Self: (Turns off the vacuum again) The time scheduled to clean this place appears to be “Never,” so “Now” is as good a time as any at this point.

Child Self: I was gonna get around to it!  Eventually!

Parent Self: (Nods) Yeah, that method tends to result in you actually doing the chore, or project, or promise an average of two years after the thought first enters our head.  (Sets aside the vacuum cleaner and begins wiping dust off everything)

Child Self: (Grumbles while fumbling with the video controls) Nag.

Parent Self: (Whirls around) Excuse me?!

Child Self: Your expectations for our behavior are ridiculously high!  We actually work at an actual job all day, and commute almost an hour each way surrounded by horrible horribles, so when we finally do get home from that soul-sucking experience, I wanna relax!  It’s only fair – what more do you want from our life?!

Parent Self: Listen: I didn’t bust our butt through all those years of school and all those extracurricular activities trying to make some kind of a success of our life, just to watch you spectacularly fail to launch ever since and instead spend hours and hours uselessly prone upon the couch watching drivel and eating garbage!

Child Self: Well, what else am I supposed to do 9:00 at night?!

Parent Self: …Find the cure to cancer!  (Begins vacuuming again as Child Self rolls eyes and resumes the video)

(At a restaurant, Child Self and Parent Self sit at a table across from Date)

Date: So, I had a great time tonight!  This was fun; I haven’t gone out on one of these in a long while.

Child Self: Me neither; guess life got in the way, huh?

Parent Self: (Turns slightly away) Hmf!

Child Self: (Mutters) What was that?

Parent Self: Oh, nothing.  Just mildly surprised to hear the implication that we’ve been too busy for something, that’s all.

Server: (Places the bill on the middle of the table) Whenever you’re ready, but we close in 20 minutes.  (Immediately leaves)

Parent Self: (Snatches the bill) Now let’s see what we can’t afford tonight….

Child Self: (Snatches the bill and addresses Date) Actually, I was thinking just for tonight we could split it –

Parent Self: (Snatches the bill back) Actually, you know better that since we were the one who invited this charming individual out tonight, we should be the one to pay the entire bill.

Child Self: (Tries to snatch the bill back but Parent Self holds on this time; they begin to tug-of-war it) It was a mutual ask-out, not an invite, and we can’t exactly pay the entire bill right now!

Parent Self: Well maybe that wouldn’t be an issue if you hadn’t kept ordering things we don’t need!

Date: It’s OK, I don’t mind treating you to dinner tonight –

Parent and Child Self: You stay out of this!

Date: (Blows air through cheeks, takes out a wallet, and places money on the table as the others’ struggle continues) Here: this should cover the tip; thanks for dinner and see you – whenever.  (Hustles out the door)

Child Self: (As both let the bill drop onto the table) Oh.  I think we just got dumped before we were even officially dating.

Parent Self: Sounds about par for our course.

(Back at the apartment on a weeknight, Parent Self is folding laundry while sitting on the couch next to Child Self; the latter is sprawled out again while scrolling through a phone, forever falling down the Internet rabbit hole)

Parent Self: I try, and I try – and I really don’t like what we’ve become.

Child Self: (Laughs hysterically at the screen) Genius!  Another dopamine rush to the brain – whoosh!  (To Parent Self) Oh, you can just throw all that stuff in the closet – just gonna wear `em out again anyway, what’s the point?

Parent Self: (As the laundry basket disappears) I was thinking it would be a good idea to take up running again, maybe early in the morning or after work, like when we did track in high school?

Child Self: (Thinks for a few moments) Yeah, those were fun times; we were in the best shape of our life then.

Parent Self: Yes.  Yes we were.

Child Self: (Thinks for a few seconds more, then turns off the phone) Nah: don’t feel like it; too much effort.  Sleepy now.  (Rolls over and falls asleep)

Parent Self: (Stares at Child Self) The struggle is ongoing, but a parent never gives up on a child.  Even when that child is yourself.