Story 576: Valentine’s Day Date With Myself

            (In an apartment, Ego is tidying up the place while on the phone)

Ego: And since I’m currently between soul mates, I decided that this year I’m going on a Valentine’s Day date with myself.

Friend: (Voice on the phone) Good for you!  It’s always nice to treat yourself, I say.  I’m actually kind of jealous: The Other Half really wanted to go to the ballet this year so I’m bracing myself for that snoozefest tonight.

Ego: (Adjusts the living room window blinds) Bummer.

Friend: It really is.  But, I can’t complain because afterwards we’re having dessert at Rock `N Roll All-You-Can-Eat Sports Bar, which The Other Half has to take two aspirin to endure so, you know: True Love, and all that.

Ego: (Lighting several candles) Yeah-yeah, sure-sure.  (There is a knock at the front door) Ooh, sorry to cut you off but my date’s here, have fun, bye!  (Runs to the door, tossing the phone onto a dishtowel lying on the kitchen counter)

Friend: But I thought you were – ? (Disconnected)

(Ego unlocks the front door to reveal Alter Ego)

Ego: (Beaming broadly) Hi!

Alter Ego: (Carrying a large heart-shaped box of chocolates, a bouquet of chocolate roses, and a container of hot chocolate mix) Hi.  I wasn’t sure what you’d be in the mood for so I brought all of them.

Ego: Excellent.  (Stands aside) Come on in!

(Alter Ego enters and they both go into the living room)

Alter Ego: (Setting down the desserts on a coffee table) So, what’ll it be tonight?  Fancy dinner in, sci-fi movie during dessert, maybe a foot pampering session thrown in for good measure?

Ego: (Holds up a foot spa bath) You know me too well.

(At dinner in the dining room/kitchen)

Alter Ego: (While munching on the entrée) Mm-mm, this is delicious.

Ego: Why, thank you.  (Slyly sips from a flute of sparkling water)

Alter Ego: Have you been taking those cooking classes you were thinking about a lot recently?

Ego: Indeed.  I’m glad you noticed; it really is money well spent.

Alter Ego: I’d say: (Holds up a forkful of food) this has been braised to perfection.

Ego: (Waves dismissively) Oh, stop, you!  (Tilts head in thought) Me?

Alter Ego: And the sides!  Healthy, yet savory.  (Does a chef’s kiss) Brilliant.

Ego: It’s so nice to have one’s effort appreciated.

Alter Ego: Well, I certainly appreciate it.  And I was going to do this already, but definitely leave all the dishes and clean-up to me!

Ego: You say the most magical things.

(Later on, Ego and Alter Ego are sprawled across the living room couch watching a movie by candlelight and snacking on the chocolates while Ego’s feet are in the bubbling spa bath)

Alter Ego: (Points to the screen) Don’t you just love it when the soundtrack has themes for certain characters that pop up over and over again throughout the film?

Ego: Yes!  Hardly anyone I watch movies with seems to notice that, and they act like I’m making it up!

Alter Ego: I don’t know about them, but I think it adds such a rich layer of subtext to the entire work – a real treat for the ears that’s extremely underappreciated, in my opinion.

Ego: Exactly!  You get it.

(By the time the movie ends, both are dozing off)

Ego: (Blinking awake as the credits roll loudly, looks around at the mess of candy wrappers on the couch and floor) Ooh, did we actually eat all this?

Alter Ego: Well, you certainly did.

Ego: Heh-heh, yeah.

Alter Ego: And on that note – (Stands) time for me to, unfortunately, buzz off.

Ego: Oh.  (Tries to stand but sloshes around in the foot spa bath instead; dries off feet with a blanket and kicks aside the bath) Is the Valentine’s Day date over already?

Alter Ego: Why, you wanna go out clubbing or something?

Ego: (Shudders) Ooh, I don’t think I can handle that anymore at my age.  OK, well, thanks for a lovely Valentine’s Day, then.

Alter Ego: My pleasure.

(They both walk to the entrance)

Ego: (Unlocks and opens the front door) So: same time next year?

Alter Ego: You sure? You might find a new soul mate by then.

Ego: (Thinks for a few moments, then shakes head) Knowing me, I doubt it.  Besides, I learned something new from our time together tonight.

Alter Ego: What’s that?

Ego: I like this better.

Story 574: Hurkle-Durkle for Better Living

            (On a Sunday morning, Friend 1 wakes up in bed, turn slowly to a clock on the lamp table, and sees that the time reads 7:37 a.m.)

Friend 1: (Turns slowly back) Errrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh….  (Tries to fall back asleep and fails; turns back to the clock and sees that it reads 7:41 a.m.) Ugggggghhhhhh!!!!  The one morning a week that I can sleep in, and sleep has run away from me!  (Grabs a book from the lamp table and reads angrily) I refuse to get out of this bed before 9 a.m. on my day off!

10:30 A.M.

(Friend 1 sets aside a bowl of cereal on the lamp table to answer the ringing cell phone)

Friend 1: (Swallowing cereal) Helloooooo?

Friend 2: (Voice on the phone) Hey – I didn’t wake you, did I?

Friend 1: (Laughs guiltily) No, please, it’s… (Glances at the clock and cringes) so late in the morning, I’d better be up by now or else I’d be a lazy, lazy slacker with no meaning in life.

Friend 2: You’re eating breakfast in bed, aren’t you.

Friend 1: Yes.  (Collapses back onto the pillows) My shame knows no depths and I’m filled with self-loathing.

Friend 2: Calm down: there’s nothing wrong with sleeping in a bit and relaxing on your day off.

Friend 1: So says the person who, I can almost guarantee, has run five miles and cooked a week’s worth of meals by now.

Friend 2: ….

Friend 1: ….

Friend 2: …Regardless, everyone’s entitled to a hurkle-durkle now and then; it’s a good way to recharge the ol’ batteries.

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) A what-in-the-what-now?

Friend 2: Hurkle-durkle.  It’s a Scottish term from hundreds of years ago that’s become all the rage now, and basically means lying in bed after you’d usually get up, and doing practically nothing.  Well, you’re eating and probably reading, but the point is, you’re lounging about and relaxing, not doing chores or working or stressing yourself out like you usually do.

Friend 1: Really?  You don’t judge me as a lazy lump with no ambition or purpose, then?

Friend 2: Not for this.  (Friend 1 double-takes) A lie-in every so often never hurt anybody.  Been thinking about doing it myself lately, but I feel like I’d have to schedule it and that kind of defeats the point.

Friend 1: Way to rub your meaningful life in my face.

Friend 2: Hey, don’t blame your inadequacy on anyone but yourself.

Friend 1: Sorry.  So, my Sunday morning sloth is actually a good thing, huh?

Friend 2: Well, to a point.  You’ll need to get out of bed some time and start moving, or else this goes from hurkle-durkling to bed rotting.

Friend 1: Does bed rot lead to bed sores?

Friend 2: Extremely likely.

Friend 1: I’ll keep that in mind – you’ve been a big help, bye!  (Ends the call, drops the phone onto a pillow, and grabs the bowl of cereal and the book to resume relaxation until the phone rings again; Friend 1 taps the answer and the speaker buttons with a pinky) What, you’re interrupting my hurkling-durkling!

Friend 2: It’s hurkle-durkling – never mind; I actually had called you in the first place to ask if you’re going to our 20^th High School Reunion next month since the date’s finally been finalized.

Friend 1: (Freezes mid-chew) Oh.  That.

Friend 2: Yeah, it should be fun to see everyone again, right?

Friend 1: (Makes a face while swallowing) Oh yeah, I can’t wait to rub my inadequacy in their faces, it’ll be a blast!

Friend 2: You’re getting tiresome: I doubt you’d be the only person there dissatisfied with the way their life turned out.

Friend 1: (Sets the bowl and book down on the quilt) I know, but I’d be the only person there who couldn’t hide it.

Friend 2: I’ll need you to keep me company anyway: I can’t spend all night floating from group to group and then looking for a table to join like it’s the cafeteria on the first day of school all over again, that’s the worst!

Friend 1: Sorry to disappoint, but I already have plans to hurkle-durkle that night instead.

Friend 2: What?!  You don’t even know what date it is yet!

Friend 1: Too late: whatever date it is, my plans to hurkle the durkle are set in stone.

Friend 2: And another thing: you can only do that in the morning!

Friend 1: Oh really?  Show me the rule that says it, then!

Friend 2: There aren’t rules –

Friend 1: HA!

Friend 2: The whole thing is just to not get up right away after a full round of sleep!  The party is before sleeping!

Friend 1: Well maybe I refuse to adhere to tradition and instead will revolutionize the movement with my long-needed forward-thinking concepts!

Friend 2: You weren’t even aware this thing existed until 10 minutes ago.

Friend 1: And clearly, I am the savior its followers have been waiting for!

Friend 2: Whatever: I’ll send you the details and pick you up that night; just wear anything but pajamas and you’ll be fine, bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Lets the phone fall back onto the pillow, stares as the mess on the bed, sighs full-bodiedly, flings off the covers, and gets out of bed, grumbling) And just like that, the magic has run away from me, too.