(Written after rewatching and rereading The Chronicles of Narnia series)
(Two random children suddenly appear in a magical world that looks exactly like Fantasy Medieval Europe)
Child 1: (Looks around in wonder at being deposited in the middle of a field that could be in the middle of anywhere with temperate climate during spring, except the grass is blue and the insects are huge) Oh me oh my, where on Earth are we and how on Earth did we get here?
Child 2: I dunno; I was on my way to math class when POOF! Transported.
Child 1: Well, I distinctly remember just seconds ago wishing that I was far, far away from boring old school, and that something would take me to a MAGICAL LAND full of WONDERFUL ADVENTURES and not-too-dangerous dangers, and here I am! At last, my life can truly begin!
Child 2: That’s great – so what am I doing here?
Child 1: Clearly, I’ll need someone to talk to during my coming-of-age quest, now shan’t I? And I think you were walking right next to me when this happened.
Child 2: Oh bother.
(A flying Unicorn suddenly lands in front of them)
Child 1 and 2: Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
Unicorn: Be not afraid, dear children, for I am here to take you to the beginning of your transformative journey!
Child 1: How wonderful!
Child 2: Half a second: skipping past the flying talking animal bit that I normally would be freaking out about, how do you know who we are, that we’d be here at this exact moment, and what specific journey you’re supposed to take us on?
Unicorn: Why, The Prophecy, of course.
Child 2: Oh, a thousand pardons, of course – I always forget about those super-specific prophecies.
Child 1: Never mind all that; let’s roll! (Hops onto the Unicorn’s back) Away!
Child 2: I already have a headache. (Also hops onto the Unicorn’s back and they all fly into a mass of psychedelic colors)
Background Chorus: <Your journey’s just begun
In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!
Fighting’s all for fun
In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!
There’s no time to eat
In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!
There’s no time to sleep
In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!>
Child 2: Huh?
(The Unicorn slams back down to the ground in front of a giant castle; Child 1 and Child 2 fall off as the drawbridge lowers and an entire Army marches out)
King: (The only one on a horse; stops next to Child 1 and Child 2 as they struggle to stand) Ah, children! Just in time: we’re off to The War now.
Child 1: Yay!
Child 2: Excuse me, “War”?
King: Why yes, that’s why you’ve both been summoned here from whatever backwards realm you crawled out of. (Draws his sword and points it toward a distant mountain range, most of which is covered in snow and flames) There lies our enemy. We’ve been glaring evilly at each other for over 200 generations, but now that you two have finally arrived as The Prophecy had foretold, victory at last will be ours. That is why we saved our first and final assault for today.
Army: (Shaking swords in the air) Hurrah!
Child 2: Well, both sets of your people’ve lasted for 200 generations without any real damage; why not just leave them there and you stay here?
King: (Blinks at Child 2, then points his sword farther toward the mountain range) To War!
Army: To War!
Child 1: Yessssss!!!
Child 2: Ugh.
(The marching resumes)
Child 2: Maybe the two of us can just meet you all there – (Turns to see the Unicorn had left ages ago) drat.
Child 1: The adventure continues!
Child 2: Whoopee.
(Child 1 and Child 2 join the march; there is little obvious progress as the hours tick by)
Background Chorus: <All roads lead to war
In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!
Fight or find gold, nothing more
In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!
No need to take a bath
In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!
Your clothes will stay intact
In the Land of ADVNT-URE-LAND!>
HOURS (DAYS?) LATER
(The march continues; the mountain range appears slightly closer; Child 1 and Child 2 are filthy)
Child 2: (Drooping) You know, by the time we actually get to wherever we’re going, we’ll be too weak to do much of anything and the other side’ll wipe us out or watch us collapse from the safety of their warm, cozy homes.
Child 1: What’re you talking about? Don’t you finally feel so wonderfully alive?!
Army: Yaaaahhhh!!!!
Child 2: Never mind.
(An enchanted bird strolls nearby)
Bird: (Raises a wing in greeting) `Sup.
King: (Points his sword at the bird) Aha! The Wise Bird of Wisdom! All who eat of its brain shall possess the entire knowledge of the solar system!
Child 2: Could aim a little higher than that.
Child 1: Oh Mighty King, let us pursue this wondrous creature and split its brain 3,003 ways so that we all may possess its wisdom!
King: (Nods) Agreed. (To the Army) Side Quest! (Takes out an airhorn and lets out three blasts)
Army: Raahhhh!!!! (About-faces to pursue the bird)
Child 2: Can we at least camp here for the night, then?
King: “Camp”? You speak so strangely, Other-Worlder.
Child 2: OK, how about what that crew over there’s doing? (Points to a nearby campfire surrounded by four children, a prince around their age, fauns, dryads, minotaurs, centaurs, a variety of enlarged woodland creatures, and tables of food; all turn to the King, Child 1, Child 2, and the Army, and raise a tankard to them)
Other Fantasy Crew: Well met, good neighbors! Join us in our feast and sing merry songs of glories lost!
King: Hm, tempting – but I have no idea why they’re all just sitting around when there’s marching to be done, so onward we go!
Child 2: But we haven’t eaten for so long! Aren’t you hungry?!
King: I have no
idea what you’re talking about.
(The bird takes flight)
Bird: Peace!
King: (Gazing in deep despair at the receding figure) Eternal knowledge, lost forever. Ah well: back to the invasion. (To the Army) Forward, harch!
(The marching resumes)
Child 1: Wasn’t that thrilling?! I feel I gained some wisdom after all.
Child 2: I gained an appreciation for a hot meal and eight hours of sleep a night.
(They reach the base of the mountain range)
King: And now, good people: we climb!
Child 2: There’s no path?!
King: Of course not! This obstacle in our noble mission of destruction is not meant to be easy!
Child 2: It’s not meant to be anything; it’s a mountain that’s always been here! But you brought a whole army when there’s no footpath?! How’re you supposed to get all your supplies and weapons up there?! And what if half of you fall off before you reach the top?!
King: These trifles matter not – the goal is the journey!
Army: Hurrah! (Weighed down by their armor and weapons, they begin to free solo climb)
Child 1: To the journey! (Jumps up to a handhold and dangles from it)
Child 2: (Pulls Child 1 back down to the ground) Oh no you don’t – you can’t even climb up to the top of the rope in gym class.
Child 1: (Pouts) But the adventure!
Child 2: And this is the part where we have our obligatory falling out. While you ponder your growth as a human being, I’m going to finally get some sleep. (Lies down on some nearby rocks and closes eyes)
Unicorn: (Suddenly lands in front of them) Arise, my children, and I will aid you in your endeavor!
Child 1: (Claps hands) Hooray!
Child 2: (Opens eyes wide) Now you show up?!
Unicorn: We must not tarry: adventure awaits! (Child 1 is scooped onto the Unicorn’s back)
Child 2: No, no, no, I just got to sleep – (Is scooped onto the Unicorn’s back and wails all the way up the mountain)
Background Chorus: <Tears are a nice touch
In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!
Just don’t cry too much
In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!
There’s still no time to sleep
In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!
You’ll forget that thing called sleep
In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!>
(The Unicorn lands at the top of the mountain, dumps Child 1 and Child 2 onto the ground, and flies away)
Unicorn: Farewell, children! If you see me again, it’ll either be to transport you home or tragically sacrifice myself for your character development!
Child 1: (Running a bit after the flying figure) Wait! What if we need you to fly us to another spot we don’t want to walk tooooooo?!
Child 2: (Still on the ground; to Child 1) I wish I never met you.
(Villagers run over to them and help Child 2 up off the ground)
Villager 1: Here now, children, are you all right?
Child 2: No, but thanks for your concern.
Child 1: Hey, aren’t you lot the ones the King’s Army’s making war on?
Villager 2: Ohhh, so that’s why all those people were marching this way and are now climbing up the mountain – we were wondering what was up. (The other Villagers nod in agreement)
Child 2: Well, this is just great! His Royal Nutjob down there is all set to gloriously slaughter everyone up here, and he didn’t even send you a memo about it!
Villager 3: His people are a rather touchy folk; that’s pretty much why we’ve kept to ourselves for over 200 generations. (The other Villagers nod in agreement)
Child 1: (Having no sword to draw, instead raises a twig taken from the ground) Aha! Here is our chance to prove our worth on this adventure! Prepare to meet your end! (Lunges towards the Villagers)
Child 2: (Trips Child 1, who lands in mud) Knock it off. (To the Villagers) So, we have a little time before that bunch gets here: anyone have an unoccupied bed they wouldn’t mind lending out for my use from now until sometime tomorrow?
Villager 1: (Points to the edge of the cliff) Here they come!
Child 2: Blast.
(Everyone runs to the edge of the cliff to see King and several members of the Army reach the top)
King: (Without breaking stride, takes his sword from between his teeth and points it at the Villagers) We’re here! Let The War begin!
Army: Yaaaayyyy!!!
Child 2: Just a second, Majesty: before you start shoving that blade into everyone in sight, I’d like to point out that you have the wrong mountain. (The cheers stop)
King: Eh?
Child 2: The mountain: you climbed up the wrong one. You should’ve climbed the one over there. (Points to a peak several miles away)
King: The one with all the flames on it?
Child 2: The very same.
King: (Taps his sword against his teeth while staring at that part of the range, then shrugs) So be it: to the next mountain!
Army: Hurrah!
(King and the Army all climb or fall down the mountain as the Villagers cheer)
Child 1: (Stands, very muddy) Aw, what about our great battle against underwhelming odds?! (Child 2 pushes Child 1 back into the mud as the Unicorn appears)
Unicorn: That’s my cue, children! Time for me to take you back to where you started so you can return to your other-dimensional world!
Child 2: Great – wait, you mean we could’ve just stood there for a day and then gone back home anyway?!
Unicorn: Not without personal growth, you couldn’t! (Child 1 and 2 are scooped onto the Unicorn’s back and they fly away as the Villagers cheer and wave)
Child 2: (Starts to lean forward and close eyes) Soooo, I’m just going to close my eyes for a few seconds here, and you can give me a nudge when we’ve gotten back –
Unicorn: Hold on, children! There appears to be a fearsomely misunderstood dragon laying waste to an entire country right over there!
Child 1: Woo-hoo! Let’s go slay the misunderstood dragon and take all its gold!
Unicorn: Not sure if there is any gold –
Child 1: It’d better have gold or else I’m slaying it again!
Child 2: (Sobbing as they flying off into the sunset) I wanna sleeeeep!!!!
Background Chorus: <There’s no time to rest
In THE LAND OF ADVEN-TURE-LAND!>
Villager 1: (To Villager 2) Who were those kids anyway?
Villager 2: Well, my first thought was they’re travelers from another world brought here for the trifold reason of saving our village, learning valuable life lessons along the way, and imparting that knowledge upon an unseen audience, but I’m an idiot so it’s really anyone’s guess.
