Story 571: Just an Everyday Quest

             (In a deep, dark, dank dungeon, a Mage, a Fairy, and a Demigod burst through the door and onto the staircase that leads down, down, down)

Mage: (After all three pick up themselves and their fantastical accessories) Right: we have our Quest and we know what to do about it, yes?  (Fairy raises a hand)  Yes?

Fairy: (Lowers hand) I forget: are we on the side of the heir-to-the-throne who was usurped and wants to restore law and order and peace throughout the land, OR are we on the side of the usurping monarch who also wants to restore law and order and peace throughout the land, and is backed by the army and actually better liked by the people so the usurped heir pressing a claim will only lead to conflict, destruction, and death?

Mage: We’re… hm, just a moment – (Checks through scrolls in a satchel) The first one.

Demigod: So does being on either side make us the bad guys no matter what?

Mage: Listen, that’s all just backstory: we’re on a Quest for… (Checks through scrolls again) just a moment –

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice booms through the whole dungeon) Can we get this Quest going sometime today?  The Game’ll be on the… scrying bowl in two hours.

Mage: (Shoves the scrolls back into the satchel and grasps a magical staff authoritatively) Yes of course, Extreme Sorcerer, Ruler of Our Fates: the Quest shall commence at once!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Great.  Proceed down the stairs, then.  (The three reach the bottom of the staircase) Now, there is a door in front of you. 

(A door appears)

Fairy: Ah!  There it is.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) You may go through it.

Demigod: (To Mage) You first.

Mage: If you insist.  (Gingerly opens the door, then peeks both ways down a long corridor faintly lit by torches) Am I seeing anything?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) I don’t know, are you?

Mage: (Slightly testy) You’re supposed to tell me, oh Master of Dungeons.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Oh right.  Let’s see…. Nope: all clear.  Continue proceeding.

Mage: (Sarcastically) Many thanks.

(All three tentatively exit the room into the corridor)

Fairy: Right or left?

Demigod: Does it really matter?  We’ll eventually wind up in the center room anyway.

Mage: Well, if we want to speed-run this thing, we should go left.

(They go left a few paces and turn a corner)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Aha!  You have chosen a treacherous path, for now the Ravenous Beast approaches!

(The Ravenous Beast suddenly appears in the corridor in front of the trio, then growls and waves limbs threateningly their way)

Mage: Oh, fiddlesticks – is this the time to use my All-Encompassing Wind Charm, then?

Demigod: I wouldn’t blow that on our first opponent; you might need it in the final boss battle.

Fairy: I have just the thing.  (Waves a leafy branch at the Ravenous Beast, creating a force that blasts the latter into oblivion) Heh-heh, I have all the protection powers.

Mage: Yeah, leave some for the rest of us.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Curses!  You defeated my first warrior, but there are more, ready and waiting to defeat you!

Demigod: Well, yes, otherwise this is basically a treasure hunt in a maze.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Behold!  A door to a room appears!

(A door appears)

Mage: Good, let’s make some actual progress here.

(They enter a large, seemingly empty room)

Mage: Sooooo… anything here?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Hm?  Oh, yeah, just a second.

(An ancient wardrobe and a massive table with a spell book and candles suddenly appear)

Fairy: Ooh, neat.  Can I go read the book?

Mage: No time for that; we need to find treasure.  (Speaks to the ceiling) Is there any treasure here?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) What, do I have to do everything for you?

Mage: Since you control this world, yes!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Oh.  Then no.

Mage: Drat.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Oops, almost forgot.

(Two Fighting Skeletons appear)

Mage: Are you kidding me?!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Go ahead – do your worst!

(The battle is long and fierce, but eventually the three compatriots triumph after heavy losses)

Mage: I can’t believe we’ve barely started and my power’s almost gone!

Fairy: Mine’s not so great either – can I reset somewhere?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) No!  But you can check if there’s something special for you in here.

Fairy: Neat.  (Goes to the spell book and pulls out a glowing spell) Awesome!  Infinity Healing!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) WHAT?!  Wait a minute, that’s not a thing!

Fairy: Is too, see!  (Holds up the spell)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Hm.  Well, I’m sure there’s something to undermine that, don’t you worry.

Demigod: Anything else here, or can we just leave?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Yeah, you might as well go; that room’s dry now.

(The three exit the room and continue down the corridor in the same direction they were heading before, then turn another corner)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Behold!  Another door appears – (A door to a room appears) and also this guy.  (The Gibbering Goblin appears at the end of the corridor) The Gibbering Goblin, a most fearsome foe!

(The Gibbering Goblin gibbers a bit, then turns and runs around the corner there)

Demigod: Oh no you don’t!  (Raises a giant club and begins to take chase)

Mage: STOP!  (Demigod skids to a stop) WHAT.  ARE YOU.  DOING?!

Demigod: Going after the fearsome foe.

Mage: A foe who is clearly luring you away from the group so we’re divided and weakened!

Fairy: Yeah, even I can tell that’s the play here, and I’m not too quick on the uptake.

Demigod: Can’t just let `em get away though; we’ll have to deal with `em eventually anyway.

Mage: Yes, eventually!  Together!  You go alone now, you’ll get taken out in two seconds – (Through clenched teeth) now-you-get-back-here!

Demigod: (Slumps in disappointment, then moves to rejoin the group) Oh all right –

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Not so fast!  (Demigod freezes) It’s not your turn anymore.

Demigod: Oops.

Mage: (To Demigod, teeth still clenched) Well-when-it’s-your-turn-you-get-back-here!

Demigod: Aye-aye.

Fairy: (Now sitting on the floor and playing with the leafy branch) Is it my turn?

Mage: ….

Demigod: ….

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) I lost track – someone go.  (Demigod starts to move) Not you!

Demigod: Right.

Mage: This is going to be a looooong Quest….

TWO HOURS LATER

(In the center room of the dungeon, Mage, Fairy, and Demigod do battle against the Gibbering Goblin, the Vexing Vampire, and the Repugnant Reaper)

Mage: (Brandishes the magical staff) At last!  I deploy the All-Encompassing Wind Charm to strike the final blow!  (Deploys the All-Encompassing Wind Charm at the Repugnant Reaper)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Ooh, nice try, but counteracted by the Immovable Object Spell! 

(The Repugnant Reaper remains immovable in the midst of the all-encompassing wind)

Mage: Hey!  That was the best – and last – spell in my possession, and now it’s just –  (Blows a raspberry) counteracted?!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Such is life.  Speaking of which, there goes yours.

Mage: Oh.  (Is unceremoniously felled by the Repugnant Reaper)

Demigod and Fairy: NOOOOOO!!!!!

Demigod: (Falls to knees next to Mage’s body) How can this be?!  We’re all together like you said, and you were still taken out in two seconds!

Mage: (Mutters) Quit it.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice): You’re up next, Demigod!  Let’s see if you can succeed where your all-powerful Mage could not, BWAHAHAHAHAHA – !

Demigod: (Stands again) Yeesh, take it down a notch.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Sorry: got a little carried away there.

Demigod: (Turns to face off against the Gibbering Goblin) Attack!  (Smites the Gibbering Goblin a powerful blow with the giant club)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Huh.  That was actually effective.

(The Gibbering Goblin is obliterated)

Demigod: (Raises the giant club in victory) Yesssss!!!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) BUT AT WHAT COST?!

Demigod: (Lowers the giant club) Huh?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) That last attack drained all your remaining power, so you now have zero defenses, my friend!

Demigod: <Gulp!>

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) And now!  Can you defeat THE VEXING VAMPIRE?!

(Demigod and the Vexing Vampire mutually destroy each other)

Demigod: (Falls to the floor next to Mage) Dang it.

Mage: Want a pillow?

Demigod: I’m good, thanks.

Fairy: (Twirling the leafy branch lazily through the air) Is it my turn?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Yes.  You’re the only player left.

Fairy: Sweet.  (Points the leafy branch at the Repugnant Reaper and zaps the latter) Take that! 

(The Repugnant Reaper remains as-is)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Aha!  No effect!  And now, adventurer, time to MEET YOUR DOOM!

Mage: (Covers eyes) I can’t watch.

(The Repugnant Reaper slowly reaches out to Fairy)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Behold!  The Unavoidable Curse that is… THE FINALITY FINISHER!  AHAHAHAHAHA – !

Demigod: Seriously dude, you’re enjoying this way too much.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) SILENCE, FALLEN HERO!  Ahem.  THE FINALITY FINISHER! 

(The Repugnant Reaper channels that curse at Fairy)

Fairy: (Holds up the glowing spell as a shield) INFINITY HEALING!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Oh rats, I forgot you had that one.  BUT IT CAN ONLY BE USED ONCE, MWAHAHA – !

Fairy: Nah-uh, `cause it’s Infinity, I can use it forever!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Hang on.  (Sounds of pages turning) ...Hang on.  (Sounds of pages turning) Aha, yes!  You can’t use it when – oh wait, we’re not doing that storyline.  (Sounds of pages turning) …Hang on –

Fairy: (Bobbing up and down in excitement) So do I win?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Hang on –

Mage: (Abruptly stands, followed by Demigod) Oi!  Did Fairy win or what?!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) (Sounds of pages spilling to the floor) No fair, no fair, you can’t win by just… not-dying!  You didn’t truly defeat your opponent in battle!

Fairy: Yes I did – by not-dying, my opponent finally gave up and I win!  (Points to the Repugnant Reaper, who has been shuffling off back into the corridor)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) (To the Repugnant Reaper) You get back in there this instant!  (The Repugnant Reaper waves off Extreme Sorcerer and continues down the never-ending corridor) Unbelievable!  The most powerful players were destroyed, and the weakest one wins by doing practically nothing?!

Fairy: Such is life!  (Suddenly serious) I want my treasure now.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Ugh, fine: here.  (A giant ruby appears in the middle of the room) All yours.

Fairy: (Takes the ruby reverently as Mage and Demigod look on in awe) Wow.  (Turns to the other two while shoving the ruby into a satchel) I accept this treasure on your behalf: it rightly belongs to all of us.  But I’m keeping it.

Mage: By all means.  Well-fought, young adventurer; well-fought.

Demigod: Aye.  You did us proud and made our embarrassing defeat worth it in the end.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) (Disgusted) Whenever your mutual-admiration fest is over, make sure you clean up this dungeon on your way out – I want it spotless before the next Quest, because I am not dealing with a repeat of today’s disaster, understood?

Mage, Demigod, and Fairy: (Directed to the ceiling) Oh yes, Extreme Sorcerer!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Good.  Now, don’t bother me for the rest of the night.  (Footsteps recede and a distant door shuts as Extreme Sorcerer travels to the scrying bowl to witness The Game)

Mage: (To Fairy and Demigod in the now-empty dungeon) I think this all this effort calls for pizza, don’t you?

Fairy and Demigod: Huzzah!

Story 379: There’s No Time to Rest in the Land of Adventureland!

 (Written after rewatching and rereading The Chronicles of Narnia series)

 (Two random children suddenly appear in a magical world that looks exactly like Fantasy Medieval Europe)

Child 1: (Looks around in wonder at being deposited in the middle of a field that could be in the middle of anywhere with temperate climate during spring, except the grass is blue and the insects are huge) Oh me oh my, where on Earth are we and how on Earth did we get here?

Child 2: I dunno; I was on my way to math class when POOF!  Transported.

Child 1: Well, I distinctly remember just seconds ago wishing that I was far, far away from boring old school, and that something would take me to a MAGICAL LAND full of WONDERFUL ADVENTURES and not-too-dangerous dangers, and here I am!  At last, my life can truly begin!

Child 2: That’s great – so what am I doing here?

Child 1: Clearly, I’ll need someone to talk to during my coming-of-age quest, now shan’t I?  And I think you were walking right next to me when this happened.

Child 2: Oh bother.

(A flying Unicorn suddenly lands in front of them)

Child 1 and 2: Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

Unicorn: Be not afraid, dear children, for I am here to take you to the beginning of your transformative journey!

Child 1: How wonderful!

Child 2: Half a second: skipping past the flying talking animal bit that I normally would be freaking out about, how do you know who we are, that we’d be here at this exact moment, and what specific journey you’re supposed to take us on?

Unicorn: Why, The Prophecy, of course.

Child 2: Oh, a thousand pardons, of course – I always forget about those super-specific prophecies.

Child 1: Never mind all that; let’s roll!  (Hops onto the Unicorn’s back) Away!

Child 2: I already have a headache.  (Also hops onto the Unicorn’s back and they all fly into a mass of psychedelic colors)

Background Chorus: <Your journey’s just begun

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

Fighting’s all for fun

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

There’s no time to eat

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

There’s no time to sleep

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!>

Child 2: Huh?

(The Unicorn slams back down to the ground in front of a giant castle; Child 1 and Child 2 fall off as the drawbridge lowers and an entire Army marches out)

King: (The only one on a horse; stops next to Child 1 and Child 2 as they struggle to stand) Ah, children!  Just in time: we’re off to The War now.

Child 1: Yay!

Child 2: Excuse me, “War”?

King: Why yes, that’s why you’ve both been summoned here from whatever backwards realm you crawled out of.  (Draws his sword and points it toward a distant mountain range, most of which is covered in snow and flames) There lies our enemy.  We’ve been glaring evilly at each other for over 200 generations, but now that you two have finally arrived as The Prophecy had foretold, victory at last will be ours.  That is why we saved our first and final assault for today.

Army: (Shaking swords in the air) Hurrah!

Child 2: Well, both sets of your people’ve lasted for 200 generations without any real damage; why not just leave them there and you stay here?

King: (Blinks at Child 2, then points his sword farther toward the mountain range) To War!

Army: To War!

Child 1: Yessssss!!!

Child 2: Ugh.

(The marching resumes)

Child 2: Maybe the two of us can just meet you all there – (Turns to see the Unicorn had left ages ago) drat.

Child 1: The adventure continues!

Child 2: Whoopee.

(Child 1 and Child 2 join the march; there is little obvious progress as the hours tick by)

Background Chorus: <All roads lead to war

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

Fight or find gold, nothing more

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

No need to take a bath

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

Your clothes will stay intact

In the Land of ADVNT-URE-LAND!>

 HOURS (DAYS?) LATER

 (The march continues; the mountain range appears slightly closer; Child 1 and Child 2 are filthy)

Child 2: (Drooping) You know, by the time we actually get to wherever we’re going, we’ll be too weak to do much of anything and the other side’ll wipe us out or watch us collapse from the safety of their warm, cozy homes.

Child 1: What’re you talking about?  Don’t you finally feel so wonderfully alive?!

Army: Yaaaahhhh!!!!

Child 2: Never mind.

(An enchanted bird strolls nearby)

Bird: (Raises a wing in greeting) `Sup.

King: (Points his sword at the bird) Aha!  The Wise Bird of Wisdom!  All who eat of its brain shall possess the entire knowledge of the solar system!

Child 2: Could aim a little higher than that.

Child 1: Oh Mighty King, let us pursue this wondrous creature and split its brain 3,003 ways so that we all may possess its wisdom!

King: (Nods) Agreed.  (To the Army) Side Quest!  (Takes out an airhorn and lets out three blasts)

Army: Raahhhh!!!! (About-faces to pursue the bird)

Child 2: Can we at least camp here for the night, then?

King: “Camp”?  You speak so strangely, Other-Worlder.

Child 2: OK, how about what that crew over there’s doing?  (Points to a nearby campfire surrounded by four children, a prince around their age, fauns, dryads, minotaurs, centaurs, a variety of enlarged woodland creatures, and tables of food; all turn to the King, Child 1, Child 2, and the Army, and raise a tankard to them)

Other Fantasy Crew: Well met, good neighbors!  Join us in our feast and sing merry songs of glories lost!

King: Hm, tempting – but I have no idea why they’re all just sitting around when there’s marching to be done, so onward we go!

Child 2: But we haven’t eaten for so long!  Aren’t you hungry?!

King: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

(The bird takes flight)

Bird: Peace!

King: (Gazing in deep despair at the receding figure) Eternal knowledge, lost forever.  Ah well: back to the invasion.  (To the Army) Forward, harch!

(The marching resumes)

Child 1: Wasn’t that thrilling?!  I feel I gained some wisdom after all.

Child 2: I gained an appreciation for a hot meal and eight hours of sleep a night.

(They reach the base of the mountain range)

King: And now, good people: we climb!

Child 2: There’s no path?!

King: Of course not!  This obstacle in our noble mission of destruction is not meant to be easy!

Child 2: It’s not meant to be anything; it’s a mountain that’s always been here!  But you brought a whole army when there’s no footpath?!  How’re you supposed to get all your supplies and weapons up there?!  And what if half of you fall off before you reach the top?!

King: These trifles matter not – the goal is the journey!

Army: Hurrah!  (Weighed down by their armor and weapons, they begin to free solo climb)

Child 1: To the journey!  (Jumps up to a handhold and dangles from it)

Child 2: (Pulls Child 1 back down to the ground) Oh no you don’t – you can’t even climb up to the top of the rope in gym class.

Child 1: (Pouts) But the adventure!

Child 2: And this is the part where we have our obligatory falling out.  While you ponder your growth as a human being, I’m going to finally get some sleep.  (Lies down on some nearby rocks and closes eyes)

Unicorn: (Suddenly lands in front of them) Arise, my children, and I will aid you in your endeavor!

Child 1: (Claps hands) Hooray!

Child 2: (Opens eyes wide) Now you show up?!

Unicorn: We must not tarry: adventure awaits!  (Child 1 is scooped onto the Unicorn’s back)

Child 2: No, no, no, I just got to sleep – (Is scooped onto the Unicorn’s back and wails all the way up the mountain)

Background Chorus: <Tears are a nice touch

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!

Just don’t cry too much

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!

There’s still no time to sleep

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!

You’ll forget that thing called sleep

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!>

(The Unicorn lands at the top of the mountain, dumps Child 1 and Child 2 onto the ground, and flies away)

Unicorn: Farewell, children!  If you see me again, it’ll either be to transport you home or tragically sacrifice myself for your character development!

Child 1: (Running a bit after the flying figure) Wait!  What if we need you to fly us to another spot we don’t want to walk tooooooo?!

Child 2: (Still on the ground; to Child 1) I wish I never met you.

(Villagers run over to them and help Child 2 up off the ground)

Villager 1: Here now, children, are you all right?

Child 2: No, but thanks for your concern.

Child 1: Hey, aren’t you lot the ones the King’s Army’s making war on?

Villager 2: Ohhh, so that’s why all those people were marching this way and are now climbing up the mountain – we were wondering what was up.  (The other Villagers nod in agreement)

Child 2: Well, this is just great!  His Royal Nutjob down there is all set to gloriously slaughter everyone up here, and he didn’t even send you a memo about it!

Villager 3: His people are a rather touchy folk; that’s pretty much why we’ve kept to ourselves for over 200 generations.  (The other Villagers nod in agreement)

Child 1: (Having no sword to draw, instead raises a twig taken from the ground) Aha!  Here is our chance to prove our worth on this adventure!  Prepare to meet your end!  (Lunges towards the Villagers)

Child 2: (Trips Child 1, who lands in mud) Knock it off.  (To the Villagers) So, we have a little time before that bunch gets here: anyone have an unoccupied bed they wouldn’t mind lending out for my use from now until sometime tomorrow?

Villager 1: (Points to the edge of the cliff) Here they come!

Child 2: Blast.

(Everyone runs to the edge of the cliff to see King and several members of the Army reach the top)

King: (Without breaking stride, takes his sword from between his teeth and points it at the Villagers) We’re here!  Let The War begin!

Army: Yaaaayyyy!!!

Child 2: Just a second, Majesty: before you start shoving that blade into everyone in sight, I’d like to point out that you have the wrong mountain.  (The cheers stop)

King: Eh?

Child 2: The mountain: you climbed up the wrong one.  You should’ve climbed the one over there.  (Points to a peak several miles away)

King: The one with all the flames on it?

Child 2: The very same.

King: (Taps his sword against his teeth while staring at that part of the range, then shrugs) So be it: to the next mountain!

Army: Hurrah!

(King and the Army all climb or fall down the mountain as the Villagers cheer)

Child 1: (Stands, very muddy) Aw, what about our great battle against underwhelming odds?!  (Child 2 pushes Child 1 back into the mud as the Unicorn appears)

Unicorn: That’s my cue, children!  Time for me to take you back to where you started so you can return to your other-dimensional world!

Child 2: Great – wait, you mean we could’ve just stood there for a day and then gone back home anyway?!

Unicorn: Not without personal growth, you couldn’t!  (Child 1 and 2 are scooped onto the Unicorn’s back and they fly away as the Villagers cheer and wave)

Child 2: (Starts to lean forward and close eyes) Soooo, I’m just going to close my eyes for a few seconds here, and you can give me a nudge when we’ve gotten back –

Unicorn: Hold on, children!  There appears to be a fearsomely misunderstood dragon laying waste to an entire country right over there!

Child 1: Woo-hoo!  Let’s go slay the misunderstood dragon and take all its gold!

Unicorn: Not sure if there is any gold –

Child 1: It’d better have gold or else I’m slaying it again!

Child 2: (Sobbing as they flying off into the sunset) I wanna sleeeeep!!!!

Background Chorus: <There’s no time to rest

In THE LAND OF ADVEN-TURE-LAND!>

Villager 1: (To Villager 2) Who were those kids anyway?

Villager 2: Well, my first thought was they’re travelers from another world brought here for the trifold reason of saving our village, learning valuable life lessons along the way, and imparting that knowledge upon an unseen audience, but I’m an idiot so it’s really anyone’s guess.

Story 219: Winter Woes of the Car Owner

            She got into her car and started the ignition, as one does.

            “Hi,” The Car said to her.

            “Huh?” she replied.

            “Listen,” The Car continued, “normally I let my indicator lights do the talking, but we’ve got a situation here that’s been flying under the radar for far too long, if you get my drift.”

            “What?”

            “Look, neither of us is getting any younger and we’ve had a good run so far, but it’s time to face facts and realize that I desperately need a heart transplant.”

            “What?!”

            “Right, I forgot, humans call it a ‘battery.’  Whatever.”

            She finally snapped out of her shock.  “I am not getting a new battery; I just got a new battery!”

            “That was over four years ago, darling.”

            “No it wasn’t!  It was – that summer when – last year – no, the year before – ohhhh….”

            “Yes, time doth fly and all that.  Bottom line is, the life expectancy of this thing’s three to five years, so we’re creeping up on the maximum limit right now.  Plus the weather’s been in the single digits lately and that snow and salt’ve been doing me absolutely no good whatsoever.”

            “But the battery’s working just fine!  It’s working right now!  And while you’re insisting something’s wrong with it, you’re just keeping yourself idling, which is costly, noxious, and wasteful!”

            “Nothing’s stopping you from driving – we can still chat on the go.”

            She agreed with that at least and began her work commute.  “But I don’t see why I should spend the money on something that’s working just fine!” she brought up again.  “Nothing’s wrong with it!”

            The Car sighed through the vents.  “‘Nothing’s wrong with it’?  Do you even listen to me when you’re in here?!”

            “Of course I do!  You purr like a freaking kitten!”

            “I haven’t purred in a decade and you know it – I have been stuttering, sputtering, and stalling lately.”

            “What, that one time?  Not going to the mechanic for that!”

            “Try 15 times.  In the past month.”

            “…Well, you’re getting old, it’s to be expected.  Outta my way, jerk!”  <BEEEEEP!>

            “Much as I admire your callousness to my years and your rough handling of my steering column, you really need to accept that there’s a problem when it’s literally screaming at you in the face.”

            “I clearly don’t have time for this right now.  How about after the holidays I’ll bring you in for a nice expensive tune-up and have this all straightened out then, hm?”

            “I’ll try to reschedule my chronic conditions to your convenience.”

ONE WEEK LATER

            She got into her car and tried to start it.

            “Huh?”

            STUTTER – SPUTTER – GASP – KLUNK

            “Oh no-no-no-no-no-” she obeyed the futile instinct of continuing to turn the failed ignition.

            The Car could not remain silent.  “I told you, I told you, and I told you, and still you chose to brush me off – BEHOLD THE RESULT!”

            “No-no-no-no-” she insisted on repeating and turning, both of which were pointless time-fillers.  “Why does this always happen when I have to go somewhere?”

           “That really would be the only reason to start a car, wouldn’t it?  To go somewhere?”

            “What am I going to do?!”  She banged her head against the steering wheel.

            “Your only actual option right now is to get me a new battery!  Twit.”

            “But it’s a blizzard out there and I have to get to work!”

            “Call for a tank or call out sick; I’m done.”

            She got out of The Car and slammed the door.  “You know, I liked you better when you weren’t sassin’ me!”

           “Likewise.  And if you play your cards right, you’ll also get to replace the transmission within a few days, `cause that’s next.”