Showing posts with label sports. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sports. Show all posts

Thursday, August 24, 2023

Story 504: Obligation Pile-Up

“Don’t forget you have to pick up the kids after soccer practice tonight.”

“Oh shoot, I already did forget – what time is that?”

“7:00.”

“Shoot, I’m supposed to be on a teleconference for work at 7:00.”

“Why?”

“They want us to work all hours, what do I know?”

“Well, your children will be waiting for you at 7:00.”

“They’re your children too; can’t you pick them up tonight?”

“…I’m still out of the country settling my parents’ estate!”

“Oh right.  That’s still going on?”

“Good-bye.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

             “Ready for the conference on Thursday?  It’ll be fun to go to the casino afterward, if I don’t fall asleep in the hotel room first.”

“Wait a minute, that’s this Thursday?!”

“Yes, it’s been this Thursday since it was booked last year.”

“Oh no, I thought it was next week!  I told my friend I’d babysit that night, I even wrote it on the calendar, what-am-I-gonna-dooooooo?????”

“You thought to write babysitting on the calendar but not a work conference?”

“Babysitting was a higher priority!  What-am-I-gonna-dooooooo?????!!!!!”

“I dunno, take the kid with you?”

“I – hey, that’s not a bad idea.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Hey, I got the tickets all ready for the show on Friday – I saved them to my phone AND printed copies, so one of them’s bound to work.”

“Right, about the show: could you pick me up at the boardwalk on your way to the theater?”

“Aaaand, why would I be picking you up there instead of at home?”

“I may have agreed to work a shift at the arcade that ends at 7:30 that night.”

“The show starts at 8!”

“…Plenty of time.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “So, I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year and was wondering if you could bring some dessert like cookies or a sheet cake or a chocolate fondue assortment – you know, nothing major.”

“Wait a minute, you’re hosting Thanksgiving this year?  Didn’t you tell me a while ago that you’re defending your doctoral thesis that week?”

“What’s your point?”

“How are you going to prepare all the food when you’re simultaneously preparing your oral defense?!”

“Despite everyone’s insistence to the contrary, I’ve personally found sleep to be highly overrated.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“Wanna meet up for dinner this Saturday?”

“Can’t – got the kids’ karate tournament.  What about Sunday?”

“Can’t – got my cousin’s graduation party.  What about next Saturday?”

“Can’t – gotta stay with my grandmother that night while everyone else goes to a wedding.  What about next Sunday?”

“Can’t – gotta work that night for a group project that’s due that Monday, and we all have to wait until that date for stuff to be processed `cause it’s on a schedule.  What about the following Saturday?”

“Can’t – we’ll be in the mountains getting away from it all.  What about the following following Saturday?”

“Can’t – we’ll be at the shore getting away from it all.  What about – ?”

“Gonna cut you off right there and say ‘Can’t’ – how about a weeknight instead?”

“Mondays to Thursdays are permanently booked with sports practice, band practice, and/or clubs for all ages, and Fridays are the only nights where we can actually take a breath but I can make an exception this one time.”

“Forget it – Fridays are the only nights we can take a breath, too.”

Thursday, January 20, 2022

Story 425: If You Feel As If You’ve Won, Then You’re a Winner

 (At an unspecific play-off golf match, the last putt of the game is sunk)

Announcer: And there you have it, folks: our two contestants who will go on to the World Finals Match, scheduled for this Saturday – now to a local correspondent on the scene.

Correspondent: (To Golfer 1) You’ve just finished play-offs with record-breaking scores, how do you feel about –

Golfer 1: (Grabs the microphone) AMAZING!  All my family and friends are here – hiiiiiiii!!!!! (Waves to a group of spectators on the sidelines who are holding supportive signs and cheering) I never thought I’d make it here, with these great players – (Gestures to the other contestants in the match standing nearby) I’m in awe of their talent, and I still can’t believe I got the chance to play golf on the same courses as them, this whole experience has been incredible, nothing can top it, and this has been the best day of my life!!!!!! (Runs to the spectators holding the signs and dives into the group; they all hug, laugh, and cry)

Golfer 2: (To a Caddy) We still have another match to play, right?

Caddy: As far as I know.

(At the World Finals Match)

Announcer: A hush falls over the crowd as our contestants prepare for this, their first shot of the finals.

Golfer 1: (Barely containing excitement, tees off with a full-body spin on the follow-through – the ball lands in the general vicinity of Hole 1, and Golfer 1 loudly whispers) YESSSSS!!!!

Golfer 2: (Tees off – the ball lands farther away from the hole than Golfer 1’s ball) Drat.  (Turns to Golfer 1, who gives an enthusiastic thumbs-up)

(At Hole 6, there is a water obstacle they need to drive the ball over; Golfer 1’s shot lands closer to the hole, but Golfer 2’s ball lands very close to the edge of the water, on the far side)

Golfer 1: Great job!

Golfer 2: Are you having a laugh?  It’s about ready to take a backwards swan dive into the drink!

Golfer 1: No, you still made it!  That’s the tricky part, getting it over the water – imagine if it’d landed right in the water?  An extra stroke, plus you’d still have to drive it over the green.

Golfer 2: I guess….

Golfer 1: (Slaps Golfer 2 on the back) That’s the spirit!  (Joins the group walking to the next part of the hole, twirling the golf club while chatting with family and friends on the sidelines)

Golfer 2: Unbelievable.

Caddy: (Also slaps Golfer 2 on the back while passing) Yeah, good job – that’s a hard shot to make, no mistake.

Golfer 2: (Eventually follows the rest of the group; to self) Is this a match or a gym class?

(At Hole 13, Golfer 1 putts but misses the hole)

Golfer 1: Oopsie.  (Sinks the next putt; the audience erupts in cheers as Golfer 1 raises arms in victory) Got a bogey, woo-hoo!

Golfer 2: (To Caddy) Are we back to being tied?

Caddy: Yep – I’m getting whiplash on you two’s scores.

(Golfer 2 shakes head, walks to the ball, and putts; the ball hovers on the edge of the hole and stops; Golfer 2 gasps in horror)

Golfer 1: Here, let me help!  (Trots over and reaches out a foot to tap the ball into the hole)

Golfer 2: (Waves frantically at Golfer 1 as the referee moves to intervene) NOOOO!!! Thank you, but NOOOO!!!

Referee: (To Golfer 1) You know you can’t interfere with the ball.

Golfer 1: Oh, I thought that was only if I was going to kick it away from the hole or something awful like that.  Carry on.  (Skips back to the spectators and snacks on an ice cream cone with them as Golfer 2 shakily sinks the putt)

Caddy: Another bogey!  And you’re just one behind the lead!

Golfer 2: …Yaaay?

(At Hole 18, the two golfers are tied again: their final drives land close to the hole)

Announcer: (In a hushed voice) This is it, folks: the tension in the air could be cut with a knife – you know how serious it is by how low I’m speaking even though I’m nowhere near the action – our contestants make their way to the hole to prepare for their final shots of the match.

Golfer 1: (Taking pictures with family and friends en route) I can’t wait till we get to the restaurant later, I heard the food’s outta this world!  Hopefully we’ll be done soon so we can get a good parking spot.

Golfer 2: (To Golfer 1) Can I talk to you for a second?

Golfer 1: Sure!  (Blows quick kisses to the spectators and steps off to the side with Golfer 2) `Sup?

Golfer 2: Sorry to pry, but I have to know: what’s your deal?

Golfer 1: Eh?

Golfer 2: I mean, every match in this tournament you’ve acted like you’ve already won, even on shots you’ve gone over par.  This has been the most intense match of my life, and you look like you’re at the press junket after you’ve won all the awards!  Aren’t you worried even a little bit that you might lose?!

Golfer 1: Nope!  But not in the way you think.

Golfer 2: How so?

Golfer 1: Not sure if you heard them mention this in the earlier matches, but I’m actually the first person in my country to qualify for this tournament.  As in, ever.

Golfer 2: Oh.  I did hear that at some point, yeah.

Golfer 1: So, you can imagine how exciting this is for all of us – (Waves and smiles to family and friends) for me to have gotten this far.

Golfer 2: (Nods) Yes, I think I can.

Golfer 1: So, while winning the championship would be lovely and all, having gotten to this point really is enough.  I’ve already won, in that sense, do you see?

Golfer 2: …Yeah.  Yeah, I do.  (Referee signals to them that the break is over)  Let’s play some golf!

Golfer 1: Oh yeah!

(Golfers 1 and 2 sink their putts and the match ends in a tie)

Golfer 1: (Dives into the group of family and friends) YIPEEEEE!!!  Beyond our wildest dreams!

Caddy: (To Golfer 2) You know, your sponsors aren’t going to too happy you’re not the sole victor, and you’re going to have to split the winnings –

Golfer 2: (Grabs Caddy in a hug) YES!!!!  We won, we won, we won!

Caddy: (Crushed) Well, when you put it that way….

(Golfer 1 runs over to Golfer 2 and they hug while jumping up and down)

Golfers 1 and 2: We-won-we-won-we-won!!!!!  BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!

Announcer: There you have it, folks: the literal definition of being a good sport.  This is going to make covering the upcoming rugby finals all the more heart-breaking.

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Story 384: Putting Off a Chore

 (At the dinner table)

Parent: So, how was school today?

Child: (Shrugs) It was all right – the teachers still’re burdening us with unnecessary work, but I’m viewing it as training for the inevitable “Real World” that we all must grapple with, unceasingly, until the day we die.

Parent: OK; how was band practice?

Child: A lot of fun, but tainted by the knowledge that no matter how much I practice, I will never achieve membership in a repertory orchestra.

Parent: Right – when dinner’s over could you do that thing I asked you to do the other day, please?

Child: Oh.  You need that done now?

Parent: I needed it done the other day, but after dinner’ll do.

Child: You mind if I do some of my homework first?  I don’t think I’ll be as mentally equipped to face it if I wait `til afterward.

Parent: You must really dread doing this if you’d rather do homework first.

 LATER THAT NIGHT

 (Stretched across the bed, Child is scribbling in a notebook)

Parent: (At the bedroom doorway) So, did you do that thing I asked you?

Child: (Freezes) Oh.  I was so caught up in solving these quadratic equations I completely lost track of the time.

Parent: Uh-huh.  Make sure you do it after school tomorrow, OK?

Child: (Salutes) Righty-ho!

 AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW

 Parent: (Answering the phone) Hello?

Child: Hi!  So, I found out today that Band’s playing at the senior center this afternoon, and we’ll be there for hours and hours making those lonely people all happy, so I won’t be home until it’s real late, so, yeah.

Parent: Isn’t that something you’d have to specifically volunteer for because the center can’t fit the whole band, and when you found out about it last week you’d told me you, quote, “didn’t really feel like it”?

Child: Yes, well, today I realized, those lonely people need me!

Parent: Uh-huh.  Call me when you need a ride home; you’re gonna do that chore for me tomorrow, then.

Child: Righty-ho!

 TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately, striding over to the windows to burst open the curtains)

Parent: Rise and shine – today’s the day!

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: You’re going to do that thing I asked you to do, today!

Child: Oh – actually, I forgot, today I’d said I’d tutor the elementary school kids in English in the morning, and then help out at the track meet in the afternoon.  Plus tonight I told your parents I’d make them dinner, so, yeah.

Parent: …Seriously?!

 THE NEXT TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately)

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: This is it!  Time for your chore!

Child: Oh – actually, you mind if I do it after conducting the children’s choir at Mass this morning and then running that blood drive for the county this afternoon? I’ll probably be exhausted by then, but I’ll find the time, somehow.

Parent: (Grabs Child by the feet and drags those to the floor) Up!  At `em!  Go, go, go!

Child: (Stumbles out of the room) Aw, shucks, this is cutting into my daily 5-mile run!

Parent: The daily run you’ve never done before today?  Now beat it!

 FIVE MINUTES LATER

 (Parent drinks coffee and reads the newspaper at the kitchen table; Child slumps into the room)

Child: Well – it’s done.

Parent: There, was that so hard?

Child: I guess not.  It took a lot less time than I thought, and now it’s finally over.

Parent: Good.  Now go make yourself presentable for the children’s choir.

Child: Oh yeah, that.  (Slumps out of the room)

Parent: (Resumes drinking coffee and reading the newspaper) It’s like pulling teeth – too bad it took so long to get done that I’ve forgotten what it was.

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Story 300: Bocce Ball Hustlers


            (On a lazy Sunday afternoon at the bocce ball courts in a public park, two retiree regulars are at their usual intense competition)
            Retiree 1: (As they collect the balls after a match) Ha!  Beat you again.
            Retiree 2: I told you, my arthritis is acting up – it’s going to rain any minute, I don’t care how many clear skies you see!
            Retiree 1: Then how come you keep holding your non-throwing arm whenever you say that?
            Retiree 2: …That helps my throwing arm feel better.
            New Player 1: Mind if we join you?
           (Retirees 1 and 2 look up from collecting the balls to see New Players 1 and 2, who are several decades younger, decked out in sportswear, carrying a case of their own bocce balls, and standing at the opposite end of the court)
            Retiree 1: No thank you: we’ll be done in another round, and we don’t like change.
            Retiree 2: Yeah, buzz off, children!
            New Player 1: (Laughs with New Player 2, then opens the case and lets the balls drop to the ground) Word on the street is you two are the reigning bocce champs `round here.
            Retirees 1 and 2: [Mutter half-disagreeing affirmatives]
            New Player 1: Care to put that to the test?
            Retiree 2: (To Retiree 1) Well, there it is: we can’t let a challenge like that stand, can we?
          Retiree 1: I don’t know – I’m getting tired and these two clowns may beat us just because of that.
            New Player 1: (Shouting from the other end of the court) What’s it gonna be?  (New Player 2 whispers into New Player 1’s ear; the latter nods) Gramps?!
            Retiree 1: (Narrows eyes) Oh, it’s on.
            (Retirees 1 and 2 trot to the other end of the court and all four stare at each other)
            New Player 1: Should we shake hands before we start?
        Retiree 1: Don’t touch me.  And since we’re the ones being challenged, I’m taking the prerogative of throwing the pallina.
            New Player 1: By all means.
            Retiree 1: (Tosses the pallina a good distance down the court, then gestures to New Players 1 and 2) Be my guest.
            New Player 2: Oh no, please: age before beauty.
            Retiree 2: Now why you gotta be so nasty?  (Retiree 1 has to restrain Retiree 2) Punk!
           New Player 1: (Batting away New Player 2, who also is trying to get in Retiree 2’s face) Just start the game already.
           Retiree 1: Gladly.  (Lines up the shot and gracefully throws the ball down the court, where it lands very close to the pallina)
            New Player 1: Not bad.  (Throws a ball that lands almost right next to the first)
            Retiree 2: My turn!  (Throws a ball so hard it lands out of bounds) Oops.
            Retiree 1: Arthritis, my foot.
            Retiree 2: It comes and goes.
           New Player 2: (Throws a ball that knocks away Retiree 1’s ball; Retirees 1’s and 2’s mouths drop open) Yessss!!!
            (Several passers-by stop to watch)
           Passer-by 1: (To Retirees 1 and 2) You better keep an eye on these two; they may dethrone you from your championship title, and humiliate you to boot.
           Retiree 1: (Glaring at Passer-by 1, a frenemy for the past 23 years) Yes, I’m well aware of that; thank you for pointing it out.
            New Player 1: (Holding up a ball) Shall we continue?

HOUR 2

            (A crowd has gathered around the court as the tournament shows no signs of abating)
          Crowd: (As Retiree 1’s ball lands seemingly equidistant from New Player 1’s ball) Ooooooh!
            New Player 2: Now what?
           Retiree 1: Don’t worry.  (Approaches the balls while pulling out a tape measure) I always carry one of these for just such an occasion.  (All four players approach the balls as Retiree 1 measures the two distances) Yep, mine’s closer.
          New Player 1: Let me see that!  (Grabs the measure and receives the same results; tosses it back to Retiree 1) Oh all right.
            Retiree 1: Best 19 out of 20?
            New Player 1: You’d better believe it.

HOUR 3

            (The encroaching mosquitos and whining dogs do not deter the growing crowd rooted in place around the court.  All four players are sweating and their arms are not circling as wide arcs, but none will be the first to call for a break)
            Retiree 2: Your ball’s out of bounds!  Knocking away the pallina doesn’t count!
            New Player 1: It does so!  The pallina was knocked away before the ball went out of bounds!
            Retiree 2: (To Retiree 1) What do the rules say?
            Retiree 1: How should I know?  We haven’t had to consult them in years!
            New Player 1: (To the crowd) I saw we do over!
            Crowd: (Mutters assent)
            Retiree 1: Fine.  (Waves a disgusted hand over the court for the others to re-set the pieces)
            (A park ranger approaches the group)
            Park Ranger 1: Folks, the park’s closing in half an hour.
            Passer-by 2: You can’t close now, we have to see how this ends!
            Passer-by 3: Yeah, it’s best 49 out of 50!
            Park Ranger 1: (Takes in the intensity of the scene) OK, just, uh – wrap it up soon.  (Joins the crowd to watch as the round begins again)

HOUR 4

            (A ball lands dangerously close to both the other team’s ball and the pallina)
            Crowd and Players: Arrrgggghhhhh!!!!
            Retiree 1: (To New Player 1, with a hoarse voice) Best 89 out of 90?
         (A park ranger truck pulls up next to the court and a voice blasts from the loudspeakers)
            Park Ranger 2: Park’s closed, you weirdos – everybody go home!
            Park Ranger 1: (Pops up from one end of the court) But it’s still a tie!
            Park Ranger 2: We’ve talked about this behavior before, now get in the truck!  And the rest of you, disperse before I turn on the flood lights!
          (The crowd scatters in all directions as the truck drives away; the four players stand uncertainly for a few moments)
           New Player 1: (Also with a hoarse voice) Wanna slip in another round before they come back?
           Retiree 1: Let’s call it a draw: I’m quite certain our arms will fly off if we throw one more time, and none of us are ambidextrous.
            Retiree 2: Ooh!  I am!  (Tries raising throwing arm and yelps in pain)
            Retiree 1: Knock it off.
            New Player 1: Until next time?  (Holds out opposite hand to shake)
         Retiree 1: (Does the same and they shake) Until then: you two will never beat us, but the game’s been getting boring lately and you’ve got the rest of your lives to practice.
            New Player 1: Perfect.  And we will never stop until we triumph!
            Retiree 1: That should keep us all busy for the rest of our lives, then.