Story 514: Lost in the Corn Maze… in Broad Daylight

            (At a local farm temporarily converted into a Halloween/Autumn Extravaganza, Friend 1 and Friend 2 follow several groups of families and friends to a corn maze entrance in the late afternoon)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 as they wait on the steadily moving line) You sure you don’t want to do this one with me?  I doubt it’s much trickier than the haunted barn we just went through.

Friend 2: Yes, I’m still trying to figure out how we managed to get turned around in there when it’s only one way – that demonic sorceress and rabid wolf-man were helpful in guiding us to the emergency exit, though.

Friend 1: Hey, it’s not my fault there’s barely any light in those things and the glow-in-the-dark paint only makes it worse.  The screaming teenagers didn’t help my concentration, either.

Friend 2: Yeah, all that stuff’s kind of the point.  So, you go have fun not learning your lesson and getting lost in an even bigger space that’s an actual maze this time – I’m exiting through the gift shop and stocking up on the pumpkins and lawn ornaments I forgot to get this year until literally days before Halloween.

Friend 1: Sucker: these places always get you with their unnecessary tchotchkes that no one can live without.  (Checks watch) Whelp, this place closes in about half an hour so if I don’t come out in 20 minutes, send in the search party, heh-heh.

Friend 2: You’re hilarious.  (Squints at the setting Sun that is deceptively high in the sky) At least it’s still sunny now this time of year, so it shouldn’t be too “scary” in there.

Friend 1: Yeah.  (Briefly removes cap to wipe sweat off brow) Although the 80° F weather right before November is probably the scariest part of this whole outing.

Employee: (Dressed as a killer accountant and taking tickets from customers as they enter the corn maze) Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare….

Friend 1: (Hands over ticket) Of course I dare, I forked over $5 for the pleasure of getting temporarily lost, didn’t I?

Employee: Well, if you’d like to do the speed run, take the first right and after a few turns in either direction keep the highway on your right to make your way back; if you want total immersion, take the aisle ahead allllllllll the way to the end and then try to make your way back… IF YOU DARE!

Friend 1: I already said – !

Employee: Sorry; I got a limited script to work with here.  Maze is only one square mile so I suggest doing the longer version to get your money’s worth.

Friend 1: Thanks!  (To Friend 2 while walking backward down the long aisle, surrounded by high cornstalks) And you never saw me again…. (Disappears behind leaves and ears)

Employee: (Cups mouth to shout) And don’t eat any of the corn, please!

Friend 2: Seriously, people do that?

Employee: Trust me, people do anything.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 2 wheels a cart filled with pumpkins and decorations to the corn maze entrance)

Friend 2: (To Employee who is packing up gear) Excuse me, did you happen to see if my friend left a little while ago or is still in there?

Employee: Nope, and everybody’s out.

Friend 2: That can’t be right; this place isn’t that big and no one was at the car for me to dump all this stuff off.

Employee: (Checks counter) Hmmmmm… must have miscounted…. (Looks down at accountant costume) Now that’s ironic.

Friend 2: (Sighs, sets down the cart, takes out a phone, and selects a contact) Unbelievable – would get lost trying to get out of a paper bag.  (Listens to phone ringing on the other end)

Friend 1: (Voice) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: You’re lost in there, aren’t you.

Friend 1: (Voice) …Noooooo….

Friend 2: You went into that thing in broad daylight, and giggling children made it out of there faster.

Friend 1: (Standing in the center of the corn maze with five different openings radiating outward) I seem to have been sucked into The Labyrinth – which path should I choose…?

Friend 2: Oh for crying out loud – (To Employee) Is there a shortcut in this thing?

Employee: Uhhhh.... (Looks warily and the lower Sun) They don’t want us in there after dark.

Friend 2: I’m sure your bosses also don’t want the bad publicity of a lost customer making a scene in the super-easy maze!

Employee: I’m not talking about my bosses; I’m talking about – (Points to the darkening cornfield) Them.

Friend2: You can drop the act, it’s almost closing time.

Employee: Oh no, I am deadly serious.  `Twas the bargain made, for us mortals to use the cornfield for the amusement of the kiddies.  Rule #1: DO NOT EAT THE CORN.

Friend 2: Oh, jeez.

Employee: And Rule #2: DO NOT REMAIN AMONGST THE CORN AFTER SUNSET.

Friend 2: Well, we’re in luck, `cause sunset’s not for another hour thanks to the perennial nuisance Daylight Savings Time being scheduled later than it used to in years past.

Employee: (Thinks on this) Oh, right.  Guess that’s still around, huh.

Friend 2: (Whips out a flashlight) Yes!  So: I’m going in there to get my idiot designated driver out, and it would be most helpful if you led the way so that we all get out of each others’ lives all the faster!

Friend 1: (Voice) I can still hear you, you know.

Friend 2: (Places phone on speaker and straps it to an armband) Sorry for the name-calling, but this really does take the boneheaded cake.

Friend 1: (Voice) Hey!

Friend 2: (As Employee takes out a flashlight, places a barrier across the maze entrance, and they both enter the maze) Not sorry on that one.

(They navigate through the maze, having to turn on the flashlights several minutes in as their surroundings darken)

Employee: (To Friend 2’s phone) Can you hear the highway to your right or your left?

Friend 1: (Voice) Um, right – no, left – wait, I think it’s behind me – now it’s in front – !

Friend 2: Stop moving!

Friend 1: (Voice) Got it.

Employee: (Nervously checks watch) Ooh, only 53 minutes left….

Friend 2: (Through gritted teeth) Would-you-get-a-grip – ?  (A deer suddenly leaps out of nearby cornstalks and dashes across the path in front of them) OH MY GOSH!

Friend 1: (Voice) What?  What’s happening?  Is the maze taking you?!

Friend 2: No, it was just a sudden deer!  Watch out for them now, OK?  It’s their dinnertime.

Employee: I guess they’re allowed to eat the corn –

Friend 2: Oh shut it!

(Friend 1 activates the cell phone’s flashlight, then uses it to peer closer at one of the cornstalks)

Friend 1: Wait a minute… I’ve passed this ear before!

(Friend 2 and Employee round a corner and stop on seeing Friend 1)

Friend 2: Ah, finally.  (Ends the phone call and Friend 1 does the same) Only you – only you –

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically) Ssh: we’ve got bigger problems.

Friend 2: Yes: your lack of direction, for starters.

Friend 1: No, I mean, I’ve been hearing things in here, rustling things, gnawing things –

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s the deer, eating the corn, let’s go!

Friend 1: (Still looking around) No, not deer; something bigger, hungrier…. (Faces the other two ominously and whispers) We’re not alone in here!

Employee: (In a shrieking whisper) I knew it!  It’s THEM!  And they’re – (Checks watch) 48 minutes early!

Friend 2: (Moves to a different spot in order to shine the flashlight at the other two) I never thought I would need to use Parent Mode on full-grown adults, but here it is: I am going to count to three, and you are going to start walking as fast as you can back to the entrance before I get to three, got it?!  (The other two stare) One!  (They run down the path that Friend 2 and Employee originally took) Wow, that really does work.  (Follows them at a slower pace, then after several turns stops when seeing their non-moving backs; in an annoyed tone) Why are we stopped?

Employee: I… think I took a wrong turn – or five.

Friend 2: Un – freaking – believable.  (Listens for several seconds) All right: the highway’s that way – (Gestures with the flashlight in that direction) I’m going through.  (Starts pushing through the cornstalks toward the outer edge of the maze)

Employee: (Gasps in horror) You can’t!  The corn!

Friend 2: Bill me!  (Peeks head back into the maze; to Friend 1) You coming or what?!

Friend 1: Oh, right.  (Follows Friend 2 through the stalks)

Employee: (Hops indecisively from foot-to-foot, then turns toward the sound of loudly rustling cornstalks getting closer, and closer, and closer, and – ) I’m outta here!  (Runs through the cornstalks after the other two and falls out of the maze and onto the surrounding grassy field) Forgive meeeee – !  (Thunk)

Friend 2: Oh good, you made it out alive; let’s go before somebody steals my pumpkins if they haven’t already.  (Walks toward the abandoned cart and the brightly lit parking lot)

Friend 1: (Helps Employee up from the ground) Well, thanks for coming in after me – I no doubt would’ve made it out eventually, so sorry for the trouble.

Employee: (Keeps looking back at the maze) No trouble – part of the job to find wayward souls…. (Once they are past the maze entrance, Employee grabs Friend 1’s arm and hisses) Now: run for your life and never come back!  (Runs to a car and takes off without even clocking out for the day)

Friend 1: (Shrugs, then returns to the car where Friend 2 is waiting with the cart of supplies) Well, that certainly was exciting, wasn’t it?

Friend 2: (As they load up the trunk and then wheel the cart back to where others are parked) Yeah, I’m never going with you to another Halloween event ever again.

Friend 1: Oh, it wasn’t that bad – that employee sure was getting into though, right?

Friend 2: I almost got run over by a deer!  That would have been a very real nightmare: I just know my health insurance would never have covered it!

Friend 1: (Winces as they both get into the car and drive to the exit) Sorry about that – I really didn’t think I’d get that lost in such a family-friendly setting.  And I’m pretty certain there was something other than deer in there with us.

Friend 2: I admit, you might be right about that: there could’ve been monsters of the human kind in there, which is even worse.

Friend 1: (Begins the long wait to make a left-hand turn onto the busy highway) Yeah: that’s the kind of Halloween scare no one wants.

(Ten minutes later, the car screeches onto the highway between unending waves of two-way traffic as several figures watch from the darkness of the corn maze)

Figure 1: Huh: we almost got some this time.

Figure 2: Well, good thing for them they managed to escape before The Night – staying past operating hours is just plain rude.

Story 313: The Haunted Hay Ride Will Not Be Cancelled Due to Rain

            Friend 1: (Answering phone) What’s up?

            Friend 2: (On phone) Yeah, I think we need to cancel for Sunday.

            Friend 1: What for?  You got the flu or something?

           Friend 2: What?  No – have you even checked the weather for this weekend?  I’m not doing a haunted hay ride in the pouring rain.

            Friend 1: The weather lies.

            Friend 2: I doubt the farm’ll even be open that day anyway.

           Friend 1: Are you kidding?  The last Sunday before Halloween?  This is their bread n` butter!  Besides, since this is the last Sunday before Halloween and I spent the last three weekends working double shifts, we are doing this, end of story.

            Friend 2: But the weather –

            Friend 1: THE WEATHER LIES!

THAT SUNDAY AFTERNOON

            (At a local farm, Friends 1 and 2 stand on a very short line for the haunted hay ride in the pouring rain)

            Friend 2: I can’t believe they stayed open.  I can’t believe there’s even a line right now.

           Friend 1: I can’t believe tickets for this thing are over $10 and I clocked this last bunch coming in at under 10 minutes.

            Friend 2: Maybe they all drowned.

        (The farm tractor hauling a covered trailer of hay bales pulls up, discharges five customers, and idles while the next group with Friends 1 and 2 climb aboard)

          Friend 1: Ooh, we should sit towards the back so we’ll be right near where the creepy creatures barge right on in!

            Friend 2: (Plops down onto a squishy hay bale) Must we?

           (The tractor sputters into motion)

           Werewolf Driver: (Shouting back to the passengers over the engine and the deluge) Stay inside at all times, don’t touch the actors, and have a spooky good time!

            Passengers: WHAT?

            Werewolf Driver: I SAID HAVE FUN, DAMMIT!

         (They wind through fields and forests with hanging figures, artfully arranged scenes of carnage, and witty tombstones scattered throughout, when they hear a chainsaw revving up)

            Friend 1: Oh boy, here we go, let the terror commence!

            Friend 2: There’s no chance of getting electrocuted with that thing, right?

            (A masked fiend bounds onto the trailer, waving around the chainsaw to the delighted screams of the passengers)

            Masked Fiend: ROOOOOAAAAARRRRR – oop.  (Slips and falls onto the floor)

            Friend 2: Are you OK?

            Friend 1: (Whacks Friend 2 on the shoulder) Ssh, don’t make them break character!

          Masked Fiend: (Struggles to stand, then weakly flourishes the now-silent chainsaw at everyone one last time) Roar.  (Hops off the back of the trailer and limps into the woods)

            Friend 1: (To Friend 2) And you didn’t even help `em up.

          (They trundle past several rundown shacks that come alive with animatronic devilry at their approach, with screams and flashing lights to emphasize the horror)

            Friend 2: (To Werewolf Driver) Excuse me?  Are the sparks flying out of those buildings part of the show, or is everything starting to short out?

            Werewolf Driver: …Yes.

          (An evil clown tries to climb on board but is weighed down by a waterlogged costume and wig, and the terrifying makeup is all runny.  Evil Clown gets onto one rung, then waves off the passengers and hops back off the trailer)

            Friend 1: Well, that should be at least a $2 refund.

          (At the last stretch of trail, the demon sheriff car that was supposed to follow them becomes mired in the mud, the zombies chasing them keep falling on their faces, and the witch who hops onto the trailer has the skirt tied to a wrist, revealing jeans and sneakers)

           Witch: (Cackles in everyone’s faces for two seconds, then asks in a low voice) Anyone here have an umbrella?  (They all shake their head “No”; in a witchy voice) Then I’ll see you all in my witchy brew, ahahaha – !  (Starts sneezing violently and almost falls of the trailer while exiting)

           Friend 2: (Spitting out water now pouring off the trailer’s roof; to Friend 1) You know, I’m just not feeling it this year.

           Friend 1: Me neither – the kids they hire these days are completely unprofessional.

Story 309: Horse Actors on Break

            (In a stable: the bar is a trough)

            Horse 1: (Trots over to the Bartender) Hey, what’s on tap today?

            Bartender: The usual water.

            Horse 1: What about grub?

            Bartender: Well, we’ve got oats… and that’s about it.

            Horse 1: I’ll have some of those, please.

           Bartender: (Uses hoof to depress a tap, releasing oats down a chute into a bucket) So, how was it out in the field today?

            Horse 1: (While devouring oats) Slurp – snort – neigh – don’t get me started!

            Bartender: All right.

            Horse 1: (Swallows first course) OK, it went like this –

            Bartender: Oh, so you are getting started, then?

         Horse 1: They’re filming some sort of retro piece of what they think happened way-back-whenever, where we have to wear these old saddles and they use spurs to make us start moving –

            Bartender: (Shudders) Spurs.

         Horse 1: Yeah, I mean, you guys already have me choking on a piece of skin from my neighbors and you’re yanking my head around until it almost falls off, you also need to jab me in the sides with knives to tell me where you want to go?  I get the picture.

            Bartender: Oh yes, what they do for “historical accuracy” and to be “period appropriate.”

          Horse 1: (Slurps some water from the trough as Horses 2 and 3 trot over) Yeah, and if that wasn’t enough, I had a double role today as “Wild Mustang #4,” which was another fun romp.

            Bartender: (While serving Horses 2 and 3) Why, what did that entail?

            Horse 1: Oh, not much – my direction was just to act “free.”

            Horse 2: (Head and ears perk up) Sorry, what was that word you just used?

            Horse 1: What, free?

            (The three customers and the Bartender laugh uproariously)

           Horse 3: Those two-legged freaks really have some nerve.  So’d you at least make a run for it?

          Horse 1: Nah, how could I?  Guards were all around – they just kept signaling at me to basically run in a circle until one of them “heroically” lassoed me to fall hard on the ground, thereby breaking my wild spirit.

            Horse 2: Oh come on, you’re a horse, you love to run, don’t we treat you so well?

            Horse 1: You keep telling yourself that.

            Horse 3: Did you bite `em when they took the lasso off?

            Horse 1: (Sighs wistfully) No, but I left them a nice mess to clean up afterward.

            Bartender: Sweet.  Make them work for it, I always say.

          Horse 1: I think they’ll be wrapping up this bit of old timey dress-up tomorrow, so I might get a little break before the next go-around.  What about you two?

            Horse 2: Ugh, they have us reenacting the last really big kerfuffle they had where they used us to run straight into their projectiles.  My great-great-great-great-great-grandmare was in that one, you know.

            Horse 3: Really?

            Horse 2: Well, we think she was – she was taken away and never heard from again, so it was either the front lines or the glue factory.  At least this version has her going down fighting.

            Horse 1: Is the reenactment dangerous, then?

            Horse 3: Depends on how you define “danger.”  They’re not shooting projectiles to kill us this time, but with all the forced falls, eardrum-shattering explosions, and horrific fires flaring up all around us, it’s a toss-up whether a broken leg, flying object, or heart attack’ll do us in first.

            Horse 2: My guess is a broken leg, but I think a heart attack would be the easiest.

            Horse 1: Unbelievable.

          Horse 2: Still, suppose it could always be worse.  Some of these weirdos do try to fix the broken leg now, instead of just being all “Too bad for you, it’s better this way,” and projectile right to the head.

            Horse 1: I guess.

            Horse 2: And I have to admit, my current rider’s not that bad.

            Horse 3: Shut your mouth – he’s a rider.

          Horse 2: Believe me, I’ve had some beauts.  The last one on that fake farm we were sent to tried to make me go across that fake lake, even when his trainer was yelling at him to stop, just because he wanted to prance around in front of some filly.  We almost both went under, but guess who would have been the one who drowned, what with all that unnecessary equipment strapped to their body?  Not him, let me tell you.

            Horse 3: Oh yeah, I remember when that happened.  That was a close one.

           Horse 2: Yeah, so at least this one sneaks me sugar cubes and brushes my hair at the end of the day and pats my head soothingly every time he makes me fall down next to exploding ordinance.

            Horse 1:  Aw.  That’s almost sweet.

            Horse 2: Yeah, it’s slightly less of an ordeal.

        Horse 1: Well, I guess we shouldn’t complain too much – I have three cousins who’re racehorses.

            (The others shudder)

            Bartender: How are they holding up?

            Horse 1: Let me put it this way: I used to have eight cousins who’re racehorses.

            Horse 3: Ouch.  Maybe their luck’ll hold out and they can retire to have some foals.

            Horse 1: Foals who’ll be trapped in the same lives.

            Horse 3: Good point.

           Horse 2: Guess there’s nothing for it but to enjoy the small perks that come our way and hope we can grow old enough to relax on a real farm.

            Horse 3: Isn’t a farm just as bad?

            Horse 2: Nah, by the time we get there we’ll be too old for them to make us do anything really strenuous, and from what I’ve heard, at least there everyone works for their daily oats, know-what-I-mean?

            Horse 1: (Gasps) You mean the two-legs work with the horses?

            Horse 2: Out in the fields and everything.

            Horse 3: OK, then we’ll let those guys think they treat us so well.