Story 609: The For-Real Haunted House Experience

 AUGUST 31 

(In a spooky office filled with overachieving cobwebs, deranged pumpkins, and decorative screams, Interviewer hovers seated above a desk while flipping through papers as Interviewee glides through the closed door)

Interviewee: Helllooooo!!!  They told me out there to come right in.

Interviewer: Of course, of course – (Gestures towards a broken chair) please, take a seat.

Interviewer and Interviewee: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Interviewee: Good one!

Interviewer: Yeah, I’ve still got it.  Seriously: float anywhere you like, we’re not fancy here.

Interviewee: Thanks; I usually prefer the ceiling, but for something like this I’ll bob up-and-down at approximate eye-level.

Interviewer: Appreciate it.  (Briefly scans through the papers again as both bob gently in place) So!  What brings you to our humble Halloween attraction this year?

Interviewee: Well, lately I’ve been searching for a new venue to add to my portfolio, and when I heard about The For-Real Haunted House Experience that actually was for-real haunted, I thought to myself, that’s perfect for my skillset!

Interviewer: (Examining the papers closer) Um-hm, yes, your résumé is most impressive.  Mansion attics for the bored well-to-do; high-volume parking garages; elevators in the largest hotels in every major city both nationally and internationally; and the highlight: big-city funeral homes for the last 30 years.

Interviewee: (Pats hair modestly) Yes, that one’s a personal favorite: so few of us explore the untapped market of mortuaries; I think there’s a feeling that the living inhabitants there are desensitized to our presence, but that makes the impact all the more satisfying.

Interviewer: Indeed.  Tried it myself once, but had to give up since success in haunting those who daily deal with the after-life was so… elusive.

Interviewee: It is a challenge, no doubt; but an extremely rewarding one, I find.

Interviewer: (Shuffles the papers to redirect the conversation) True, true – so!  Now you want to “try your hand” at a Halloween haunted house where the living actually pay to have the bejesus scared out of them, eh?

Interviewee: Exactly.

Interviewer: I have to warn you, though: it’s probably not as glamorous as the -------- downtown parking garage or the ------- hotels’ elevators you’re used to.  Lots of waiting around, and it can get a little repetitive; plus, the occasional show-off guest can be extremely unpleasant.

Interviewee: That’s fine; I can use the change of pace.

Interviewer: And you would need to commit for the full season.  No disappearing off to another realm after a week if you find the situation here lacking – (Ominously) `cause we will find you.

Interviewee: Oh, no worries about that.  I’ll be there the whole month-and-a-half, even if I do get bored.

Interviewer: (Skeptical) Um-hm.

Interviewee: OK, full disclosure?

Interviewer: Please.

Interviewee: I’ve been in a co-haunting situation for the past decade – (Briefly looks off to the side) or is it century? – either way, our styles are just too incompatible: I prefer thrills and chills, the other one prefers blood and gore, and it’s just not working anymore.  The house literally isn’t big enough for the both of us, especially now that our current tenants keep using spells and accessories to summon us for kicks.  It’s been a nightmare, I tell you.

Interviewer: (Shakes head in disgust) My condolences.  I don’t know which of the parties are the worse in those situations: the troublemaking ghost or the troublemaking living.

Interviewee: I know, right?  So, I figured, do this for a month or so, then see where the spirit world takes me after that.

Interviewer: (Lets the papers float away) Well, I have to say, most of our team members have stories similar to yours, so no shame in coming here for a temporary change before moving on to something else.  At any rate, you’re in, if you still want the position.

Interviewee: (Fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you so much – I just know it’ll be out of this world!

Interviewer: Definitely!  Report back here at 5 p.m. on September 13 for some basic training – the ghouls will show you around the Demon Barn, the Possessed Corn Maze, the Wretched Forest, and the titular haunted house this year, the Condemned Mansion.  Everyone rotates their stations to keep things, if you pardon the term, lively.

Interviewee: Sounds great!  I’ve always wanted to haunt a corn field – those giant, whispering stalks are downright creepy.

Interviewer: Glad to hear it.  (Sees a clipboard with a pen attached, floating by)  Oh!  Almost forgot.  (Grabs the clipboard and pen) Do you prefer to be “Evil Clown”, “Evil Sorcerer”, “Evil Farmer”, and/or “Evil Doll”?

Interviewee: Oh.  I thought we were going as ourselves here?  Since it’s a real haunted attraction?

Interviewer: Yes, we tried that the first year and it went over like a lead balloon; the guests were decidedly not scared by us in our regular guises, even when a few of us tried ripping our faces off to kick things up a notch.  The living all say they want authenticity, but when push comes to shove they literally scream for the evil clowns and dolls, go figure.

Interviewee: OK… I guess… “Evil Sorcerer”?  At least to start.

Interviewer: (Enters some notes in the clipboard) Good, we’re a bit short on those this year.  (Looks up at Interviewee) One more thing: a few years ago we started a Living Work Program here – give back to the community and all that – so you’ll see a few of them working behind-the-scenes only, and they’re absolutely indispensable with setting up everything now and then taking it all down after Halloween.  Are you comfortable with that?

Interviewee: Of course!  I love the living!

Interviewer: Don’t we all!  (They both laugh) I mean, they are practically family.

Interviewee: Do they know, then?

Interviewer: Know what?

Interviewee: That the actors are actual ghosts?

Interviewer: The open-minded ones do – the rest are just grateful they’re not working at the job they had before this one.

Interviewee: I’ll bet. 

OCTOBER 31 

(At the Condemned Mansion, Interviewee-now-Evil Sorcerer Employee floats around a dark attic full of sinister furniture as screams and bangs resound throughout the house)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Doing a backstroke across the ceiling around a flickering chandelier) Ah, I’ll miss this place when it’s all over.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the attic door and stairs and looks up at the ceiling) Hey, how you holding up here?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats down to hover near the floor) Not bad, thanks, but still not too many visitors up here.  I think the bottleneck in the Morbid Master Bedroom is confusing most of them so they forget to come up here and run back downstairs instead.  It’s a shame, really – missing out on a whole room, and those tickets aren’t cheap.

Evil Clown Employee: Yeah, that’s rough.  I keep trying to send them up this way, but most of them are “Nope!  Exit!” at that point.  Their loss.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah.  (The attic door opens and footsteps and scared voices are heard on the steps) Ooh, got some live ones!

Evil Clown Employee: Have fun!  I’ll come back later!  (Floats down through the floor)

(A group of teenagers and adults all hold onto each other as they slowly ascend the steps)

Guest 1: Is there gonna be another demon doll?!  I don’t think I can take it!

Guest 2: (Looking around frantically) Oh no, it’s a haunted yard sale up here!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats over to the group as they all enter the attic) Good evening, mortal travelers!  Welcome to my lair of sorcery!  Who will be the next sacrifice to the Blood Moon on this All Hallows’ Eve?  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guests: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Still all holding each other, they stumble as one back down the stairs and rush out the door, which slams behind them)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Rats, I didn’t even get to fake a spell this time.  I might be overselling this.

Evil Clown Employee: (Head peaks up through the floor) That was fast – a blur went past me in the hallway so fast that I didn’t even get a chance to chill their bones or shiver their spines or anything!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah, I think I have to tone it down a bit – they should get at least a full minute up here, what with all the time and effort that went into these decorations.  (Gestures to a large table piled up with last-century books, brass candlesticks, and an ornate crystal skull) I mean, have you seen these knickknacks?  I think some of them may be actual antiques!

(The attic door opens and footsteps come up the stairs again; screams, crashes, and intentionally short-circuiting wires are heard in the background)

Living Employee: (Dressed all in black; to Evil Sorcerer Employee) Hey, I have dinner break now – you need anything, or you just want me to leave the door open while I’m gone?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Starts floating around the ceiling again) I’m fine, and you can leave the door open – it’s not exactly a prime destination spot.

Living Employee: All right, I’ll be back in half an hour.  (Starts to leave, then turns back) By the way, how come none of you actors here ever need a break?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses in floating) …Because we’re having so much fun!

Living Employee: Oh.  OK.  Sorry in advance if you get any rowdy guests while I’m gone – I shine the strobe lights a lot at those to keep them moving along.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Thanks, you’re the best!

Living Employee: Yeah, well, I don’t want to deal with them, either.  (Goes back downstairs)

Evil Clown Employee: Aw, the living can be so sweet sometimes.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to floating around the ceiling) Bless their literal hearts.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the floor fully) So, what’s the next step for you after Halloween tonight?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to the backstroke) Well, there’s an elevator with my name on it two cities over, and I really want to start exploring the potential of new construction luxury rentals.  You?

Evil Clown Employee: Christmas Villages.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses) Really?

Evil Clown Employee: I track down which guests are the real brats, and as they wait on line for photos with Santa, I appear to them as Krampus.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Sounds like a perfect way to keep the spirit of Halloween going through to January.

Story 608: Oblivia Starring In… IT CAME FROM OUT OF THE BATHTUB DRAIN!

            (In a sepia-toned world, Oblivia hums a tune while cleaning the bathtub in her apartment)

Oblivia: (Spraying cleaner along the edge of the tub and then wiping it down) <Oh, if I sing while I scrub/ Doo – dee – doot – doot – doo – doo – dah/ Then maybe a wormhole’ll form/ I can go through where/ I’m done on the other side – >

(A loud GURGLE-GLUMP! suddenly erupts from the bathtub drain)

Oblivia: (Freezes) Hm.  It’s never made that sound before.

(She leans over the drain, peering closer and closer, unaware of the ominous music getting louder and louder)

Oblivia: (Taps the drain) Wonder if it’s my upstairs neighbors again?

(The tub starts to rumble and Oblivia backs away, still holding the spray bottle and a paper towel; the rumble grows and grows, until a giant, moldy, slimy, dripping creature BURSTS! out of the drain)

Creature: (Lands on the edge of the tub) ROOOAAARRRR!!!!

Oblivia: (Blinking rapidly and sputtering out dirty water as she and the bathroom are drenched) Eugh, I just cleaned that….

Creature: (Waving its approximation of arms at Oblivia while towering over her) ROOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Oblivia: Yes, I heard you the first time – you mind moving along so I can wipe up this new mess?  Right now’s the only time in the week I have to clean the bathroom, and you’ve now just added – (Looks quickly around at the splattered bathtub, counter, toilet, mirror, floor, walls, and ceiling) at least another 45 minutes that I can’t spare.

Creature: ROOOOOAAAAA – (Lowers arms) Wait a minute, you’re not scared?

Oblivia: (Tries and fails to brush stains off of her clothes) No, I’m disgusted.

Creature: (Raises arms again) Which stems from your fear, as I approach to consume you – !  (Leans forward to leap off the tub and is sprayed with the cleaner)  Ack!  Gag!  Achoo!  (Sneezes)

Oblivia: (Rips more paper towels off of the roll and approaches Creature) Bless you.  Now hold still while I wipe you up.

Creature: Aiiiiii!!!!  (Leaps off the tub and rushes past Oblivia to the bathroom door; suddenly stops and turns back around) Hold on, I’m not supposed to be the one running away!  This whole thing is getting out of control.

Oblivia: (Lowers arms) I’ll say.  How long have you been living down that drain anyway?  My landlords won’t be happy if they find out I’m subletting, even if it is without my knowledge or consent.

Creature: Forget the landlords – it’s you who’ll pay for your foul deeds!

Oblivia: (Presses the hand holding the spray bottle to her chest in shock) I?!

Creature: Yes!  For you see, my dear, I am a fiendish being OF YOUR OWN CREATION!

(Background music obligingly goes DUH – DUH – DUHHHHHHH!!!!)

Oblivia: (Brings the back of the hand holding the spray bottle to her forehead) How can this be?!  I think I’d remember creating something like you!

Creature: (Approaching closer) Day by day, shower by shower, I was formed by layers and layers of your detritus – along with you never once cleaning out the drain!

Oblivia: (Lowers hand) Oh, well, why should I?  Nothing dirty goes down there; it’s just water and soap.

Creature: …What?!

Oblivia: OK, also shampoo and conditioner, but that means everything that goes down there is squeaky clean.  Those pipes should be sparkling by now – I really don’t know where all this – (Gestures at Creature) is coming from.

Creature: I – you – of course other stuff goes down there!  Grime from the day!  Excess skin being sloughed off!  Your hair, all over!

Oblivia: Well, now that’s a lie: I never shed any hair.

Creature: Of course you do!  You’re doing it right now!

Oblivia: What?  (Creature points to the floor around her as another strand gently falls) Oh.  Stress of the situation.

Creature: Whatever: point is, you clearly never use a drain catcher, so all that stuff from you, plus the soap, and the mold, mold, mold, piled up and up and up until at last, I emerged!

Oblivia: OK, if I humor you by agreeing, will you go away?

Creature: Aha!  It’s too late now, for I have emerged!

Oblivia: Yes, we’ve established that; is this an extortion racket and I’ve gotta pay you to go away or something?

Creature: Unbelievable!  Just – cower in fear, puny mortal!  (Lunges toward Oblivia who starts spraying Creature again) Aaaahhhhh!!!!  All right, fine, I’ll leave and never come back, just do a better job cleaning and get a drain catcher, aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!  (Turns and flees from the bombardment, running through the apartment, out the living room window, and into the afternoon)

Oblivia: (Leaves the bathroom to watch Creature from the window, then turns back to survey the newly dirtified apartment, shaking her head in irritation) Just what I need: more mess, and a lecture from literal rubbish. 

THE END??????  (Yes)

Story 607: Camping With Vampires: A Crossover Event!

            (In the woods at night, Friend 1, Friend 2, Sibling 1, and Sibling 2 sit around a roaring campfire; Friend 1 checks toasted marshmallows on skewers, Friend 2 and Sibling 2 fan themselves with caps, and Sibling 1 uses a battery-powered fan that sprays water; all four are wearing T-shirts and shorts, and sweating)

Friend 1: (Handing out a skewer each) All righty, these seem to be done – you want to break out the chocolate and crackers or take these plain?

Sibling 2: (Staring at the skewer briefly before looking at Friend 1) I’ll actually answer that question with a question: whose idea was it to meet up for s’mores over a blazing campfire IN 80-DEGREE WEATHER?

Friend 1: (Coolly) It’s October: this is prime Halloween season, and fall started almost a month ago, so naturally, one would assume there’d be at least a chill in the air at this time of the year.

Sibling 2: I don’t know where you’ve been, but except for the occasional major storm or random cold snap, there hasn’t been a regular chill in the air at this time of year for the past 20 years!

Friend 1: (Still coolly) I’m sorry that, unlike you, I refuse to allow reality to hold sway over my life.

Sibling 2: Clearly!

Friend 2: OK, let’s settle down before we all pass out.

Sibling 1: (Holds out the fan to Sibling 2) Want some?

Sibling 2: (Stares at it for a few moments) …Yes please.  (Vigorously sprays water and waves the fan all over before handing it back to Sibling 1)

Friend 2: Now, steady unseasonable heat wave or not, we’re here to have fun, right?

Sibling 1: Yep!  (Takes a big bite out of the toasted marshmallow) Ow!  (Lets it fall out) Oops.

Friend 2: So, since it’s a nonrefundable fee to camp here tonight, let’s have fun and pretend it’s chilly with a full moon out instead of hot and humid with no moon, and get on with the scary stories.  (Starts assembling the marshmallow, chocolate, and crackers)

Friend 1: Thank you.  (Sibling 2 bites into a bar of chocolate and makes a face at Friend 1 who makes a face back) Let us begin: this tale is especially chilling –

Sibling 2: (Around a mouth full of chocolate) HA!

Friend 1: (Briefly glares at Sibling 2) Especially chilling, since it takes place in these very woods.

Sibling 1: (Swallowing a piece of still-hot marshmallow and gasping) Hey, no one told me we were staying in haunted woods!  I wouldn’t have come, then!

Sibling 2: Relax: all woods are haunted, it’s no big deal.

Sibling 1: WHAT?!  You never told me that all those times we went camping when we were kids!

Sibling 2: Didn’t want to scare you.

Friend 1: Ahem!  May I continue?!

Sibling 2: Sure, go ahead.

Sibling 1: Sorry.

Friend 1: Thanks.  As I was saying, this tale takes place in these very woods, which still are haunted to this day.

Sibling 1: (Shivers and pulls out a blanket from one of the tents to snuggle) Ooh, now I’m getting chills.

Friend 1: Awesome.  The creatures that haunt these woods aren’t ghosts, or goblins, or trolls, or werewolves, or dragons, or dinosaurs –

Friend 2: Skip a bit.

Friend 1: Right.  The dreaded creatures that haunt these woods are none other than – VAMPIRES!

Sibling 1: (Trembling all over) Oooooohhhhhhh….

Sibling 2: Odd choice, but OK.

Friend 1: Oh yes, many a camper has been attacked by these fiendish beings, barely escaping with their lives to tell the tale!

Sibling 1: Oh, so they live?

Friend 1: Yes, so they could tell the tale.

Sibling 1: Thought there’d be a body or two.

Friend 1: Ghoulish, but never mind: and so, the helpless victims are taken – in the night!

Sibling 1: Ah!

Friend 1: As they sleep – in their tents!

Sibling 1: AH!

Friend 1: And when they wake, they see… THE MARK!

Sibling 1: AAAAHHHH!  What mark?!

Friend 1: The mark… OF A FANG!

Sibling 1: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!  (Hides under the blanket)

Sibling 2: (Lifts up a corner of the blanket) Get a grip.

Sibling 1: Ssshhh!  (To Friend 1, peeking out from under the blanket) A real fang?!

Friend 1: Oh yes!  The mark of a fang, and the inflammation OF THE DRAINED BLOOD!   MWAHAHAHA!

Sibling 1: Ohhhh noooo!!  (Hides under the blanket again, shivering uncontrollably)

Sibling 2: (To Friend 1) Sooooo, it’s a mosquito?

Friend 1: What?  No, it’s a vampire!

Sibling 2: A vampire with one fang?

Friend 1: …Ye-es, to throw you off the scent!

Sibling 2: So, everyone camping out here would be just fine if they used bug spray and mosquito netting?

Sibling 1: (Throws off the blanket) Really?  Oh.

Friend 1: No, they wouldn’t be just fine, because the vampires laugh at such trifles, and THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU!

Sibling 1: Oh no!  Why’d we ever come here tonight?!

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Maybe we should change to some lighter fare, like werewolves or zombies.

Sibling 2: (Rubbing Sibling 1’s back soothingly) Yes please – I’ve got one: it’s the tale of a wolf who wanted to be a real –

Friend 1: HOLD IT!  (Everyone freezes) I didn’t even finish my vampire story and you’re already cutting in with a different monster?!

Sibling 2: No one’s scared of mosquitoes, OK?!

Friend 1: They’re not mosquitoes!  And you would be scared if you knew how many pints they could drain and viruses they could transmit in a single slurp!

Sibling 1: Viruses, oh!  (Starts to keel over and is propped up by Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: All right, fine, they’re very real-world scary, can we move on to the make-believe stuff now?

Friend 2: I vote “Yes”.

Friend 1: Traitor.

Sibling 1: (Holding onto the blanket for comfort) I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

Sibling 2: (Holds out a chocolate bar) Here, have some.

Sibling 1: Ooh, yummy!  (Scarfs it down)

Friend 1: Well, I just have to say, if we all wake up tomorrow morning drained of our entire blood volume, don’t come crying to me!  (The other three give puzzled looks) Never mind – go on with the werewolf saga. 

THE NEXT DAY 

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 walk along a trail through the woods)

Friend 1: (Kicking aside fallen branches lying in the path) You know, I didn’t want to mention it at breakfast, but I believe I fell victim to an attack in the night.

Sibling 2: (Dryly) Really.  (Drinks water out of a bottle)

Friend 1: Uh-huh.  I didn’t want to start a panic or be ridiculed yet again, but I woke up this morning and saw… THE MARK.

(They both stop as Friend 1 holds out a wrist to show a small red bump)

Sibling 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: While I was sleeping, no less.

Sibling 2: Naturally.  So, what, you want some anti-itch cream?

Friend 1: I suppose you were left untouched last night, then.

Sibling 2: No – (Briefly pulls aside shirt collar to show many bumps) even with mosquito netting and spray, I’m covered in bites; so I’m writing to the manufacturers for refunds, but otherwise you don’t hear me complaining, do you?

Friend 1: (Staring in horror at Sibling 2, whispering) They went for the jugular….

Sibling 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Oh please, just – enough with the story, all right?!  We came here to have a good time, and you keep going on about things that aren’t real and pretending they are!

Friend 1: You know, after our little time-warp adventure last Halloween, I would think you’d be a little more open-minded about supernatural shenanigans!

Sibling 2: That was two Halloweens for me, don’t forget, and I’m still pretending that never happened!

Friend 1: We never would’ve met otherwise!

Sibling 2: Which I’ve regretted ever since!

Friend 1: I wasn’t stating it as a benefit, I was stating it as a fact!

Sibling 2: Well, I still regret it!

Friend 1: And yet you still keep showing up when we all plan get-togethers!

Sibling 2: `Cause I’ve got nothing better to do!

(At a lake, Friend 2 and Sibling 1 sit on lounge chairs perched at the end of a dock, facing the calm, sunny water, sipping iced teas, and basically doing nothing; a fish surfaces momentarily to catch an insect)

Sibling 1: (Pointing at the rippling water) Ooh, there’s another one.

Friend 2: Neat. 

(They sip simultaneously)

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of companionable silence) Funny: it sure is peaceful without those two, isn’t it?

Friend 2: (Still staring out at the water) …Just remember: you’re the one who said it.

(On the trail)

Friend 1: – keeps telling me that, but I can’t bring myself to stop, it’s like a compulsion.

Sibling 2: I think your friend is a genius and a saint for sticking with you this long in life.

Friend 1: I’d resent that if it weren’t true.  (Looks around a bit) Where are we going, anyway?

Sibling 2: Beats me; I’ve been following you.

Friend 1: That’s impossible, because I’ve been following you!

Sibling 2: Well –

(They round a corner and see a group of tiny vampires hovering in mid-air; the group turns to face the other two)

Vampire 1: Heh, these are the ones from last night.

Vampire 2: (To Friend 1 and Sibling 2) Come back for seconds?  Hee-hee-hee!

Vampire 3: (Pats rounded belly) You guys go ahead; I’m full.

Sibling 2: What in the world?!

Vampire 4: Get `em!

Friend 1 and Sibling 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

(They turn around and run but the flying vampires catch up easily and latch onto Friend 1’s arms and Sibling 2’s neck)

Vampire 1: (On Sibling 2) Hey, I actually found an open spot!

Vampire 2: (On Friend 1) Go for it!

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 helplessly bat at the vampires attached to them as they slowly sink to the ground)

Friend 1: (To Sibling 2) At least… I can say… I… told… you… so.... (Passes out)

Sibling 2: (Fading) Fair… enough…. (Also passes out)

Vampire 3: (Flying up to the group as the others detach from the bodies) So, how were they this go-round?

Vampire 1: (Wiping lips) Eh – leftovers are never as good as the original meal.

(The other three murmur in agreement as they fly away, leaving the other two lying on the ground) 

LATER THAT AFTERNOON 

(Friend 2 and Sibling 1 pack up their respective gear)

Sibling 1: (Checking a watch) I dunno, they’ve been gone for hours – you think we should be worried that a bear got them or something?

Friend 2: (Also checks a watch) In that case, I’d be more worried about the bear.

(Both look up as Friend 1 and Sibling 2 slowly emerge from the woods, looking literally drained and covered in red welts, and listlessly scratching all over)

Sibling 1: Whoa, that must’ve been some trail!

Friend 2: (Rushing over to Friend 1) Oh no, were you two attacked?!

Friend 1: (Dazedly) Yes.

Sibling 1: (Rushing over to Sibling 2; intensely) Was it a bear?!

Sibling 2: (Also dazedly) No bear… actual… vampires….  (Suddenly sits down on the ground, still gently scratching everywhere)

Friend 2: Oh.  That again.  (To Friend 1) Seriously: what was it?

Friend 1: (Looking off into the distance while scratching both arms at the same time) No one would listen… no one would heed the warning… but you’ll learn… you’ll learn…. (Still scratching, stumbles a short distance and starts walking into a tree repeatedly)

Sibling 1: (Quietly to Friend 2 after a few moments) You think maybe it was paintball players?

(Before Friend 2 can respond, Vampires 1-4 fly into the camp clearing)

Vampire 1: Oh, you’re all still here?

Vampire 2: You might wanna move on before nightfall – we need to feed every 12 hours, and sleepers are easiest.

Vampire 3: Although, I skipped the unexpected afternoon tea and I’m hungry again now, so…. (Starts to fly toward Friend 2 and Sibling 1, who are frozen in shock)

Vampire 4: (Holds back Vampire 3) Easy there, buddy; a whole new crew of campers are coming in tonight; let’s not keep drinking from the same well, if you know what I mean.

Vampire 1: Yeah, this bunch has suffered enough, AHAHAHAHA!

(They all laugh nastily as they fly away; Friend 2 and Sibling 1 still stare where the group was as Sibling 2 falls over in a doze and Friend 1 continues to walk into the tree)

Sibling 1: …Doooooo you want to scream first, or should I?

Friend 2: You first: I’ll scream after we get them to the hospital.

Story 606: Sentenced to Five Years With a Haunted Smoke Alarm

             (In a noisy courtroom, Judge bangs a gavel furiously)

Judge: Order!  Order, or the next time I have to throw someone out, I’m gonna throw EVERYONE out, understood?!  (Sudden silence) Good.  Now: Defendant, please stand for the verdict.

(Lawyer stands, then pulls up Defendant to stand as the latter simultaneously rolls eyes and head; low murmurs start up again in the courtroom)

Judge: (Holding up a long sheet of paper) To reiterate, I will be reading the verdict due to the entire jury walking out in disgust after submitting it.  (Briefly looks at Defendant over the tops of glasses; Defendant obnoxiously smirks back) On the charges of: Littering; Intent to Litter; Littering With Malice Aforethought; Encouraging Minors to Litter – (Defendant nods in agreement); Never ONCE Using a Recycling Container; Criminal Negligence of a Garbage Can That Was RIGHT THERE; Failure to Honor Carry-in/Carry-Out Programs at County, State, AND National Parks – (Defendant giggles; Judge briefly glares); Attempted Use of a Plastic Bag to Entice a Sea Turtle Into Thinking It Was a Jellyfish – (Courtroom attendees hiss); Throwing Out Banana Peels From a Moving Vehicle; and other charges so numerous and egregious that even your own lawyer testified against you – (Defendant glares at Lawyer; Lawyer shakes head in loathing back) a jury of your peers have found you, the Defendant, Guilty on all counts.

(On the word “Guilty”, the courtroom erupts in cheers and papers being thrown into the air)

Lawyer: (Discreetly fist pumps) Yes!

Defendant: [Seethes at the world]

Judge: (Banging the gavel rapidly) Order!  Ord- ! (The gavel shatters) Oops.  (Tosses the gavel aside as the courtroom settles down; to Defendant) Before we proceed to sentencing, do you have anything, preferably remorseful, to say for yourself?

Defendant: Your Honor, the only thing I have to say is, the sea turtle can suck it.

Courtroom Attendees: BOOOOOO-EWWWWW!!!!

Judge: (Enraged) “IT”?!

Defendant: (Slightly confused) Plastic.  What’d you think I meant?

Judge: (Sighs while removing glasses) Your tasteless response has been noted.  (Folds hands to make a speech) As a judge with several decades on the bench seeing all kinds of defendants presented in this courtroom, it gives me no pleasure in sentencing my fellow human beings to harsh punishments no matter the crime… but today, I’m gonna enjoy this one.  (With a steely glare at Defendant) For the severity of your many, many crimes and apparent lack of remorse, I sentence you to five years of house arrest –

Courtroom Attendees: [Grumblings of disappointment]

Defendant: Oh no, five years in my own house surrounded by all my stuff and not having to deal with traffic, however will I endure?

Judge: I wasn’t finished: five years of house arrest – (Leans down to smile evilly) WITH A HAUNTED SMOKE ALARM.

Defendant: (Freezes) What?

Judge: One smoke alarm, possessed by a poltergeist with instructions to set it off at random times at all hours of the day and night, 24/7, every – single – day – FOR – FIVE – YEARS!

(The courtroom erupts in cheers again)

Lawyer: (To Defendant) AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Defendant: (Starts panicking) Wait – this isn’t – you can’t – Your Honor, may I approach the bench?!

Judge: No!

Defendant: (Ducks Lawyer’s restraining arms and falls to knees in front of the Judge, hands clasped in appeal) I throw myself on the mercy of the court!  I’ll do all the community service; I’ll pick up every piece of plastic in the ocean; I’ll clean up the entire Great Pacific Garbage Patch with a hand vac; I’ll never litter again – !

Judge: You most certainly won’t!  And there’ll be no reprieve, no time off for good behavior: you’ll be serving all 1,826 nerve-shattering days, from beginning to end, no interruptions.  Enjoy being surrounded by all your stuff – little good may it do your peace of mind for the next half a decade!  (To Bailiff) Take `em away, Bailiff!

Bailiff: (Hauling up Defendant by the arms) Right this way, if you please.

Defendant: (To Judge while being dragged out of the courtroom by Bailiff) No!  You can’t do this, it’s inhuman!  (To Lawyer) And you!  You’re not getting a dime outta me!

Lawyer: Joke’s on you – I volunteered for this gig!

Defendant: (To the courtroom at large) Miscarriage of justice!  I hope none of your garbage gets picked up for a week!  (Is pelted with balled-up pieces of paper on the way out)

Judge: (Smiles in contentment) Sometimes, you get a case that restores your faith in justice being served.  (Puts glasses back on while reading from a docket; addresses the courtroom while gesturing to the balls of paper all over the floor)  Make sure you clean this up or you’ll all get citations – (Courtroom Attendees scramble to clean up the mess) I love my job – next case! 

DAY 913 

(At home, Defendant wakes up suddenly, looking exhausted even though it is mid-morning.  Defendant then creakily gets out of bed, scratching the ankle where a monitor is strapped, and gingerly opens the bedroom door, staring up at the smoke alarm that is mounted on the ceiling; a light flashes briefly back.  Defendant tiptoes down the hallway, never looking away from the smoke alarm all the way to the bathroom; after morning ablutions, Defendant goes to the nearby kitchen still wearing pajamas and a bathrobe and gently gathers a juice glass, cereal bowl, cereal box, and utensils onto a counter that is thickly padded with dishtowels.  Carefully slicing a banana with a butter knife – )

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

(Defendant shakily drops the knife and banana into the bowl, then grabs a broom propped in the corner, walks down the hallway, and after a few attempts hits the button to deactivate the alarm)

Smoke Alarm: BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!  BEEEEEEEEP!!!!

(Defendant drops the broom onto the hallway floor, slowly shuffles back to the kitchen, and finishes preparing breakfast)

Defendant: (Props elbows on the counter and holds one hand with the other to keep it steady while eating cereal) Three down, 18-ish to go for the day….

LATER THAT DAY 

(During a video meeting, Defendant is wearing a suit jacket barely buttoned over the bathrobe and still looking a wreck, speaking to faces on a laptop while seated at the padded kitchen counter)

Defendant: …and we still need to figure out when to schedule the inspection prep before the inspectors actually show up this time –

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: (As everyone on the meeting winces) Ah!  Sorry; as I was saying – 

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Manager: (Shouting over the alarm) Look, I hate to bring this up, but since we didn’t mind keeping you on even though you’re a convicted felon –

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: (Shouting over the alarm) And I am so appreciative you did, `cause I don’t think anyone else would have me just on principle!

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Manager: Yeah, well, then do you mind muting yourself when that thing goes off?!

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: I can’t mute when I’m presenting!

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Manager: Then maybe these meetings should be e-mails going forward, `K?!  Bye!  (Signs off the meeting, followed by everyone else)

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: (Stares blearily at the flashing lights in the hallway) Huh.  A silver lining. 

LATER THAT DAY 

(Defendant answers the door, still wearing the pajamas and bathrobe but now no suit jacket)

Friend: (Standing at the door and holding up an ancient tome) Hey – oh, wow, you look awful.

Defendant: Yes-yes, you tell me that every time you stop by – (Nods at the book) Is that it?

Friend: Yeah, it took me ages to track it down; now you’re sure I’m not gonna get in any – (Looks around furtively, then whispers the next two words) legal trouble getting it for you, right?

Defendant: (Grabbing the hefty book out of Friend’s hands) No of course not, it’s just a little light reading for Halloween, spirit of the season, have-fun-thanks-bye!  (Slams the door in Friend’s face)

Friend: (Shakes head while leaving and muttering) Last time I ever do you a favor, litterbug….

(Defendant roughly turns the book’s pages, frantically skimming the headings while walking into the hallway that now has a pentagram inscribed on the floor directly below the smoke alarm, with tall candles strategically placed all around it)

Defendant: (Stops on a page) AHA!  Gotcha!  (Glances from the illustration on the page to the one on the floor and back several times to compare) Not… bad…. (Takes a piece of chalk from a robe pocket and adds a few finishing touches to the pentagram) There.  That should do it.  (Grabs a candle lighter that was lying on the floor, lights the candles, sits cross-legged at the edge of the pentagram, places the open book on the floor within reading distance, and opens arms wide in supplication while addressing the smoke alarm in-between checking the text) “Oh, Darkest Night…. Oh, Foulest Day…. Oh, Creature of the Netherest Netherworld…. Oh – ”

Poltergeist: (Walks up to Defendant from the living room, eating a cookie) You trying to summon me or something?

Defendant: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Jumps up and crashes back against a hallway wall) Stay back, Demon!

Poltergeist: Not a demon.  (Finishes the cookie and licks fingers clean) Judge figured you’d’ve tried this back in Year 1 – me, I’m surprised you lasted this long.

Defendant: (Slides down the wall and onto the floor) Wait, so… everyone knew I’d try to get you to stop?

Poltergeist: Oh yeah – you think you’re the first troublemaker to try that trick?  Nobody’s ever original, I tell you.

Defendant: (Leans head against the wall) All right, I’ll just ask you, then: Can you please stop setting off the smoke alarm, I’m begging you!

Poltergeist: (Crouches down in the hallway and flips through the book a bit, stopping to read one page) Heh, that’s a good one.  (To Defendant) `Fraid not, my friend: I signed an unbreachable contract with Judge, so it’s all day/every day for all five years, and not a second less.

Defendant: (Fighting back tears of exhaustion) What do you even get out of it anyway?

Poltergeist: Entertainment.  It’s all anyone ever really wants, isn’t it?  I was told you’ve been very bad in messing up your planet, both for yourself and for everyone else stuck here with you, so I am taking great pleasure in watching your nerves continue to fray, inch-by-inch.

Defendant: (Holding aching head) Ohhhh….

Poltergeist: It was hysterical when I set it off at 3 in the morning last week: you flew out of bed and crashed right into the wall!  Was that where the door used to be where you grew up or something?

Defendant: (Lowers hands) …What if I converted entirely to solar power?

Poltergeist: (Floats off the floor) Nah, you still gotta serve out your term regardless.  But you’re on the right track for, you know, afterward.

Defendant: (Dazed) Afterward…. I don’t know if my ears’ll ever be quite right again.

Poltergeist: (Waves off Defendant dismissively) You’ll be fine – I usually don’t set if off when you’re right under it.  I mean, this is fun and all, but I’m not a monster.

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: (Covers ears and cowers away from the smoke alarm) NOOOOOO!!!!!  You just said!

Poltergeist: (Stares at the smoke alarm, then down at the layer of smoke above the hallway floor) Looks like this one’s for real – you should be more careful when lighting candles in the home, you know?  (Snuffs out all of them)

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Poltergeist: Since this one’s an actual alarm, I’ll take care of it.  (Floats closer to Defendant) You hang in there, buddy: only two-and-a-half years to go, mwahahahahaha!  (Floats up to the ceiling and disappears into the smoke alarm)

Smoke Alarm: SMOKE PREVIOUSLY DETECTED – BEEP-BOOP!

Defendant: (Lowers arms while looking up at the smoke alarm) Thanks, you’re a real pal.  (Passes out on the floor) 

MORNING OF DAY 1,827 

(Defendant answers the front door, still wearing pajamas and a bathrobe and looking a wreck, but now also wearing giant headphones)

Judge: (Standing with Bailiff at the door) Hi there!

Defendant: (Lowers the headphones) …I’m sorry, who are you?

Judge: Always the clown – take it away, Bailiff!

Defendant: Eh?  (Bailiff bends down and removes Defendant’s ankle monitor) Oh.  Forgot all about that.

Bailiff: (Standing again) Most people do.

Judge: Now then: (Puts on glasses and reads from a tablet) “Since Defendant has served all five years of the sentence, punishment is now deemed ‘Paid in Full.’”  (Looks back at Defendant) That means you’re free to go!

Defendant: Go… where?

Judge: Anywhere you want!  As long as you “Leave No Trace” – and don’t commit any other crimes – you can go out and about your business once more!

Defendant: I work from home and have no social life.

Judge: Not my jurisdiction!  Oh, almost forgot.  (Taps a few buttons on the tablet)

Poltergeist: (Flies out of the house; to Defendant) So long, chum – hopefully I’ll never have to see you again!  Onward to the next home appliance haunting!  (Soars into the distance, cackling all the way)

Defendant: So… that’s it?  It’s all over, at last?  The smoke alarm’ll never go off ever again?!

Judge: Well, not unless there’s an actual fire.  Or it’s dirty – make sure to clean it every few months or you’ll get this treatment all over again.  Now: have we learned our lesson, hm?

Defendant: (Rubs temples) You have no idea.  I’m in the middle of inventing a device that neutralizes garbage just to make some of this ordeal worth it.

Judge: Now that’s the kind of rehabilitative attitude we like to hear!  Glad to know our Spirit World Volunteer Program is working out splendidly!

Defendant: I’ll say: if this’d be the typical criminal sentence going forward, I doubt there’d be much crime ever again.

Story 562: "The Winchester Mystery House® Experience” Was Not What I Thought It Would Be

 OCTOBER 26

             (At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the hallway door)

Sibling 1: (Trotting to answer the door in excitement) Ooh, here it is, here it is – !  (Unlocks the door and opens it to reveal Sibling 2) Oh.  It’s just you.

Sibling 2: Who else would it be?

Sibling 1: I’m actually expecting a very important package that should delivered at any moment.

Sibling 2: Ah.  More – (Air quotes) “vintage collectible vehicles” that are really toy cars?

Sibling 1: (Embarrassed defiance) Yes.

Sibling 2: You know nobody hand delivers packages anymore; they just leave it on the ground and run for their lives, in some cases literally.

Sibling 1: Maybe not if they knew it was vintage.

Sibling 2: Whatever: can I come in now or what?

Sibling 1: Oh, sorry.  (Stands aside to let in Sibling 2, then closes and locks the door behind them) Got carried away with the conversation there.

Sibling 2: I hear ya.

(They go into the living room and flop onto opposite ends of the couch)

Sibling 1: Oh, where are my manners?  (Very formally) Would you like something to drink?

Sibling 2: No thank you, Host; I just came over to give you this.  (Hands Sibling 1 an envelope)

Sibling 1: Money?

Sibling 2: Better.

Sibling 1: Crypto?

Sibling 2: That’s not better.

Sibling 1: A star in the heavens?

Sibling 2: Would you stop guessing and just open it?!

Sibling 1: Okey-dokey.  (Opens the envelope and reads the form inside, then gasps in excited shock) You got us tickets to stay at the Winchester Mystery House® on Halloween night?!

Sibling 2: Well, sort of.

Sibling 1: This is amazing!  I can’t believe you were even able to get these, and are paying for us to fly all the way to San Jose to do it!

Sibling 2: Um, first of all: I never would pay for your plane ticket; and secondly: this isn’t in San Jose.

Sibling 1: But that’s where the house is.  (Gasps again) Did the ghosts relocate it?!

Sibling 2: No, this is a semi-replica of the house that someone did locally.  I saw it online and it caught my eye; since I don’t know when we’d ever get a chance the see the real one and the price was decent, I figured “Why not?”  It’s probably an unlicensed knock-off, but I’ll send a donation to the actual house or some nonprofit and call it even.

Sibling 1: (Reading more from the form) “Overnight stay… self-guided tour… guaranteed ghost sightings….” (To Sibling 2) This all sounds great!

Sibling 2: You sure?  I know it’s basically a cheap imitation of the actual estate and it’s nowhere near as big, but the photos and descriptions seemed to have the highlights, and reviews weren’t too bad.  It’s also not too well-known so we’ll have the whole place to ourselves and not have to deal with unpredictable fellow customers.

Sibling 1: Hey, as long as it’s got the staircases and doors to nowhere, it’ll more than meet my expectations.  (Briefly hugs Sibling 2) Thank you so much, this is the best gift ever, and it’s not even my birthday!

Sibling 2: Aw, you’re welcome, kiddo.  It beats having to deal with trick-or-treaters that night.

Sibling 1: Especially since I never got around to buying any candy for them.

 HALLOWEEN

          (Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 drive up to a sprawling mansion as dusk gathers and an occasional wind carries the sound of hammering with it; a sign planted in front of the building reads “The Winchester Mystery House® Experience – Enter If You Dare!”)

Sibling 1: (As both exit the car carrying overnight bags and lean back to look up at the mansion) This is so cool – I mean, it’s definitely much smaller, but they even got the inconsistent architecture right.  (Points to an upper wing in glee) Ooh, ooh, I think that’s one of the doors to nowhere!

Sibling 2: I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough when we fall out of it – come on.

(They walk up to the front door and Sibling 2 takes out a piece of paper with a code to enter on the electronic lock; once unlocked, they enter the large, dark, and echoing house and drop their bags by the front door)

Sibling 1: (Cups hands around mouth) Helllllllloooooooo?????

Sibling 2: (Locks the door behind them) There’d better not be anyone else here.

Sibling 1: Just trying to let the ghosts know we’ve arrived; it’s good manners.

Sibling 2: I know I’ve mentioned this before, but aside from me not believing in them to begin with, the whole ghost part of this experience is a tad exploitative of the family’s tragedy, doncha think?

Sibling 1: Then why’d you get us tickets to come here in the first place?

Sibling 2: Because you always wanted to go, and this one’s not even the real house so the only ghosts we’ll be seeing will be animatronic, optical, plastic, or some combination of those, with a few pre-recorded howls and screams tossed in for good measure.

Sibling 1: Oh.  I was kinda hoping to see Sarah Winchester.

Sibling 2: That’s ghoulish – let her rest in peace, and unless she and any other spirits actually did remain on this mortal plane and decided to travel cross-country, you’ll have to settle for your nowhere stairs or whatever they are.

Sibling 1: Ooh, yes, thanks for reminding me, I wanna see those right away!  (Starts to run for the main staircase and is grabbed by the shirt collar and yanked back by Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: Just a second – we need some lights in here, and it seems our hosts have left us instructions. 

(At a small table near the entrance, there are two electric candles, a stack of papers, a map, a ring of keys, and two handheld cassette tape players)

Sibling 2: (Turns on the candles, hands one to Sibling 1, and uses the other to locate a light switch on the walls but finds none) Great, I guess it’s batteries, flames, or nothing.

Sibling 1: (Holds the candle underneath the chin to cast an eerie light) The original house had electricity and even indoor plumbing, but we get the old-timey experience, wooooooo!

Sibling 2: Did the original house also have an electronic lock on the front door?

Sibling 1: (Lowers the candle) Perhaps they could’ve at least sprung for solar-powered lights, then.

Sibling 2: Yeah.  (Hands the map and a cassette player to Sibling 1 and starts to read the papers) “Welcome, Guests, to ‘The Winchester Mystery House® Experience’!  This is a parody; any resemblance to the actual Winchester Mystery House® is not intentional”…?  (Frowns in confusion)

Sibling 1: (Playing with the cassette tape) Skip all that and get to the good stuff!

Sibling 2: (Shakes head to clear it and skips ahead) Yadda, yadda, yadda; blah, blah, blah – OK, here we go: “The map is your guide, so keep it with you always – ” (Widens eyes and speaks in a spooky voice to Sibling 1) “or you may become lost in the house – FOREVER!”

Sibling 1: (Giggles) So exciting.

Sibling 2: (Smiles and reads more) “You may roam where you wish, but beware the North-Northwest Wing – ” ooh, must be good – “ and watch your step, for who knows where the many rooms and halls and stairs of the house may take you!”

Sibling 1: (Bounces up and down slightly) Oh my gosh, this is almost too much!

Sibling 2: Heh, yeah – “For your own safety and for liability purposes, please obey any signage you may see as covered in the waiver you signed – ” Skip!  (Flips through several pages) “Dinner and breakfast are in the icebox in the kitchen; if there is an emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately – ”

Sibling 1: (Weaving the candle through the air to make figure eights of the afterglow) Bo-ring!

Sibling 2: OK, you’ll like this part: “Don’t disturb the ghosts, but they may disturb you!”  Mwahahaha!

Sibling 1: (Stops weaving the candle) Cool.

Sibling 2: “Enjoy your stay, and please leave a review on www. – ” (Tosses the papers back onto the table) I think that covers everything; wanna go explore now?

Sibling 1: YES!  (Grabs the key ring and checks the map) Let’s go upstairs and work our way down!  (Runs up the main staircase)

Sibling 2: (Grabs the other cassette player and follows at a slower pace) Fine by me.

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 make their way up to the multi-leveled third floor and check the map again; the sound of hammering has gotten louder)

Sibling 1: That’s weird: it doesn’t say where the North-Northwest Wing is.

Sibling 2: Probably because we’re not supposed to go there.

Sibling 1: No, they just said to beware of it, which is a clear invitation to go there first.

Sibling 2: Hm.  Maybe the audio tour’ll help.  (Presses “Play” on the cassette player)

Voice on Tape: Welcome to "The Winchester Mystery House® Experience.”  In 1884, Sarah Winchester –

Sibling 2: (Presses “Stop”) Well that’ll take forever – there isn’t even a way to fast-forward to specific sections of the house if you’re just wandering around.

Sibling 1: Guess we’d have to tour the house in the order they recorded this; maybe I’ll listen to it tomorrow.

Sibling 2: Check-out’s at 10 a.m.

Sibling 1: Wow.  For something that doesn’t get a lot of visitors, they certainly don’t waste any time shooing us out.  So!  (Holds up the map) North-Northwest Wing, North-Northwest Wing… is it our west or actual west?

Sibling 2: I’m guessing our west, since we’re going to it from inside the house.

Sibling 1: Huh, maybe…. (Passes by a window and sees a construction worker hammering on the roof of a nearby wing) Whoa, how authentic!

Sibling 2: (Peers out the window next to Sibling 1) What, that they’re running tours out of place that’s half-built?  Sounds about right.

Sibling 1: No-no-no, I mean this is part of the whole Winchester House’s history: Sarah Winchester kept having rooms built all the time, day and night, to appease the spirits of the victims of the Winchester rifles.  That’s what she spent the family fortune on: a never-ending quest for peace.

Sibling 2: Mm.  Yeah, 24/7 construction sounds like a nightmare.

Sibling 1: (Opening the window) Lemme ask –

Sibling 2: (Trying to stop the window from opening) Aw, leave ‘em alone –

Sibling 1: (To Construction Worker 1) Good sir!  (Construction Worker 1 stops hammering and looks up at Sibling 1) Would you be so kind as to direct us to the North-Northwest Wing?

Construction Worker 1: (Points to another wing) It be that way, but beware –

Sibling 2: (While closing the window) Oh, we’ll be waring our hearts out all over this place, thank-you!  (To Sibling 1) Let’s go and stop bothering the employees, OK?

Sibling 1: I’m sure they just love to help souls in need.

Sibling 2: I bet they do.

Sibling 1: (As they start walking where they were directed) Fantastic: even the clothes were 1800s-style....

(They tread carefully through the darkening house as the sun sets and night descends; a hallway turns to a staircase that ends abruptly at the ceiling when they climb it)

Sibling 1: Yes!  One of the staircases that lead to nowhere, at last!

Sibling 2: Neat.  We probably should go back down then, huh?

Sibling 1: Yeah – we’ll have to stop by here again in the morning though; I can barely see anything with this candle.

Sibling 2: Right.  (Takes out a cell phone, turns on the flashlight feature, and hands it to Sibling 1) Here.

Sibling 1: Thanks, but won’t it drain your battery?

Sibling 2: It will, but I really don’t want to go back outside tonight to get the flashlight from the car, and we can use your phone if we have to.

Sibling 1: (Taps forehead with the phone) Always thinking.

(They eventually arrive at the North-Northwest Wing, which starts with a long corridor)

Sibling 1: Oooooohhhhhh, even the hallway looks haunted.  (Creaking sounds are heard overhead; Sibling 1 ducks slightly) What was that?!  Are the ghosts afoot?!

Sibling 2: My guess is rats are afeet – wanna start actually exploring some of the rooms?

Sibling 1: Oh!  Yeah, I got so thrown off with finding this section that I almost forgot that part.  (Holds the key ring up to the light, flicks through the keys, and reads the labels) “Guest Room 1” – “Guest Room 2” – “Guest Bathroom” – “East Wing Library” –

Sibling 2: Allow me.  (Grabs the key ring and goes through the keys faster as Sibling 2 holds up the light, then groups together several of the keys) Here we go: North-Northwest Wing Rooms.  One says “Music Room”, so that sounds promising.

Sibling 1: (Holds that key as Sibling 2 hands over the ring) A ghostly Beethoven, playing an afterlife sonata.

Sibling 2: Sure.

(They walk down the corridor slowly, hearing noises as they get closer to the door labelled “Music Room”)

Sibling 1: (Whispering) I think the ghosts are inside!

Sibling 2: (Also whispering) OK, just take a deep breath and try not to faint, please – I don’t want to have to carry you four-and-a-half floors back downstairs.

(As they approach the door, muffled voices are heard, along with a single piano note)

Sibling 1: (Still whispering) This is it!  Ghostly music!

Sibling 2: (Still whispering) Great, great, so open the door – (Mutters) let’s see what I paid for.

(Sibling 1 slowly puts the key into the lock, slowly turns it, and puts one hand on the doorknob)

Sibling 1: (Mouths) 1 – 2 – 3!

(Sibling 1 shoves the door open to reveal several construction workers lounging about in comfy chairs and at a grand piano)

Sibling 2: …Hi.

Construction Worker 2: Hello.

Sibling 1: Is… this the Music Room?

Construction Worker 2: `Twill be once we’re done building it.  (Gestures to the partially finished walls) Then, `twill be demolished and built anew, like all the others.

Construction Workers: (Sadly) Aye.

Construction Worker 2: For now though, we use it as a break room.  (Holds out glasses to Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) Sherry?

Sibling 2: (Grabs Sibling 1 as the latter reaches for a glass) No thank you, so sorry to have disturbed you, please enjoy your break, and… keep up the good work!  (They close and lock the door behind them)

Construction Worker 2: (Sighs) Oh, we will.  Forever.

Construction Workers: Aye.  (Piano note)

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 run back down the corridor and out of the North-Northwest Wing, stopping at a staircase to a lower level)

Sibling 2: I didn’t realize there’d be a whole bunch of people actually working while we were staying here!  And taking breaks wherever!  We were supposed to have the place to ourselves!

Sibling 1: I told you, it’s part of the authenticity!

Sibling 2: Yeah, but where else are they gonna be working, in the bathrooms?  (Gasps) In the bedrooms?!

Sibling 1: We’ll find out!  In the meantime, I’m hungry – let’s have dinner.

Sibling 2: Yeah, good idea.

(They use the map to go back downstairs to the first floor and find the kitchen, opening the door to reveal several construction workers building a rack to hold pots in the middle of the room)

Sibling 2: Oh great – I mean, good evening.

Construction Workers: (Briefly pausing) Good evening.

Construction Worker 3: Looking for the ice box?

Sibling 2: Yes please.

Construction Worker 3: (Gestures with a hammer to the far wall) Over there – mind your step.

Sibling 2: Thanks.

(Both tiptoe around construction workers and tools, grab packaged dinners out of the ice box, and begin to exit through another door to the dining room)

Construction Worker 3: (Pops up from the project) Oh, beware –

Sibling 1: (Turns around eagerly) YES?!

Construction Worker 3: A crew is rebuilding the table and chairs in there right now, so `twill be tricky when you sit for your meal.

Sibling 2: (Pushes open the door slightly to reveal hammering, sawing, and sanding; allows the door to close again) We’ll take these upstairs, thank you.

Construction Worker 3: Suit yourselves.  (Returns to levelling the rack)

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 grab their overnight bags near the front door and use the map to find the Guest Rooms; in that corridor, they gingerly step around more construction and workers spread throughout, the activity and noise increasing in volume the closer they get to the rooms.  At the one labelled “Guest Room 1”, they use the matching key to enter and then close and lock the door behind them)

Sibling 2: (As they drop their bags to the floor and set up the dinners on the bed) Well, at least it’s slightly quieter in here.

Sibling 1: Hm – you think they’ll work all night long, like the real ones did?

Sibling 2: I certainly hope not; I’d like to get some sleep to-

(A loud MOAN is heard from behind the closed closet door; Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 hug each other in terror)

Sibling 1: (Whispering frantically) What was that?!  Is that the ghost?!  Is the haunting finally happening?!

Sibling 2: (Releases Sibling 1 and shakes head in irritation) No – (Another MOAN is heard and Sibling 2 jumps in shock) ahem – no, but I’m sure gonna find out what it is.

Sibling 1: (Hands the cell phone light to Sibling 2) Be careful!  Don’t let the ghost possess your body and terrorize the living!

Sibling 2: There’s no such thing as – never mind.

(Another MOAN is heard; Sibling 2 braces for impact, then flings open the closet door)

Construction Worker 4: (Turns around from working on an exposed pipe in the back wall) Oh, hello.

Sibling 2: OK: get out.

Construction Worker 4: But I was told to get this done tonight.

Sibling 2: It can wait 15 hours – (Points to the hall door) begone.

Construction Worker 4: (Gathers tools and starts to leave as Sibling 2 unlocks the door) The missus will not be pleased to hear of this.

Sibling 2: Then give me her number, I’ll tell her myself!

Construction Worker 4: (Stops in confusion) What number?

Sibling 2: OUT!  (Relocks the door after Construction Worker 4 leaves in a hurry; there are agitated voices in the corridor, and then the hammering, sawing, and sanding increase in volume even more; Sibling 2 collapses onto the bed and stares at the continually creaking ceiling) Mind if I bunk with you tonight?  I really don’t want to go back out into that hallway while they’re still… working.

Sibling 1: Sure!  It’ll be fun, and we can tell each other Halloween scary stories all night long!

Sibling 2: (Smiles softly) Yeah, it’ll be fun.

Sibling 1: (Starts eating the prepared dinner) Just one question: didn’t you pay for two rooms?

Sibling 2: Right now, I’d pay for everybody to leave.

NOVEMBER 1

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 exit the front door with their overnight bags, resetting the electronic lock while construction workers regularly pass by with different-sized ladders)

Sibling 1: (As they walk around gardeners on their way to the car) Well, I had a great time!

Sibling 2: Glad one of us did.  My review of this place will be a bit harsh, so you may want to help me temper the wording before I submit it.

Sibling 1: Of course!  I just think it was awesome we finally got to explore almost-the-real-house, and we saw so many ghosts here!

Sibling 2: (Freezes, then laughs) Wait, you don’t think all these – (Waves a hand at the construction workers busily remodeling and replanting around the house) are actually ghosts, right?  They’re just contractors.  Probably illegally overworked, for all they annoyed me.

Sibling 1: No, they’re the ghosts – see?  (Holds out the papers that had been on the front table) “All noncorporeal entities that you witness are on technically unauthorized ‘loan’ from the Winchester Mystery House®, in order to heighten the experience – they will vanish upon guests’ check-out.”

Sibling 2: (Takes the papers and reads them, then snorts in disbelief) Yeah, and if you believe that – (Suddenly looks up as all construction sounds cease; no construction worker is in sight, anywhere) What...?  Where…?  Who…?

Sibling 1: (Checks watch) 10:00, on the dot!  (Slaps Sibling 2 on the shoulder) This was the best Halloween ever – thanks!  (Gets into the car’s passenger seat)

Sibling 2: (Still staring at the now-empty house) …Does it count as a haunting if I didn’t realize it was happening at the time?