Story 655: Demon Possession Intervention

 (Inspired by The Exorcist, which I finally read for the first time recently; if a similar parody has been done already, then any resemblance this story has to that is unintentional) 

(In a bedroom, a man wearing flannel pajamas lies on a bed with wrist and ankle restraints and a messy look indicating that he is clearly possessed by a demon.  Two Roman Catholic priests stand out of range at the foot of the bed, reading from exorcism instruction books and occasionally flinging holy water in the Possessed Man’s general direction)

Possessed Man: (Speaking with a warped demonic voice) <Amateurs!  I bet both of you were graduated from seminary school just so they could get rid of you!>  (A stray holy droplet hits one of his toes) <Ouchie.>

Priest 1: (Reading from the book) “We call upon the powers of Heaven to cast out this demon….” (After a few moments, turns to Priest 2) That’s your cue, Father.

Priest 2: Well Father, I never know when I’m supposed to recite with you, and when I’m supposed to finish the verse, and when I’m supposed to respond after you finish the verse – the rules seem rather fluid.

Priest 1: Well Father, perhaps if you had researched how to perform an exorcism before asking for my help, there would not be such confusion on your part on when to jump in.

Priest 2: Well Father, perhaps if we had had a rehearsal like I had requested –

Possessed Man: (Rolling his eyes) <If you two are going to keep this up for much longer, I’m gonna start cursing your parents’ names again, so help me.>

Priest 1: You have no power over us, demon!

Possessed Man: <Oh yeah?  Then I’ll be breaking out the really naughty words this time!>

Priest 2: Silence, foul beast!

Possessed Man: <Too late; here it comes!  Ahem: your momma’s so – >

Priest 1 and Priest 2: (In unison) “We beseech all of Heaven to cast out this wretched spirit from this poor innocent creature!”

(A loud BANG! is heard as a cloud of smoke fills the room, sending all three into coughing fits)

Possessed Man: (Gagging) <Eugh, having lungs is a real drawback right now.>

(Once the smoke clears, a winged figure is revealed standing near the bed)

Priest 1: (Wiping irritated eyes and squinting at the figure) Are you… an angel sent from Heaven to aid our holy mission?

Demon: (Looks down at demonic self and then back at Priest 1) Clearly not.  But your message was received and forwarded to our department though, so don’t you fret.

Priest 1: Oh.  I’m a tad confused.

Possessed Man: <So am I.>  (To Demon) <What the literal Hell are you doing up here?!  This is a private possession!>

Demon: (To Priest 1 and Priest 2) Would you two mind stepping out in the hall for a few minutes, please?  I’ll handle this.

Priest 2: We do not accept aid from evil ones!

Demon: Relax: this visit has been sanctioned by all your higher-ups, so don’t worry – you’re covered.  (Waves taloned hands at the priests while shooing them out the door) Off you go!  (Pushes the priests out of the room, slams the door, and rounds on Possessed Man) Un-believable!

Possessed Man: <What?>

Demon: How many times do we have to tell you to quit it with possessing random humans?!  It does nothing for the cause, and it makes us all look like small-time idiots!

Possessed Man: (Smugly) <Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure about that – got this household in a right tizzy, didn’t it?>

Demon: Yeah!  One household!  Big flippin’ deal!

Possessed Man: (Slightly insulted) <Hey, word’s spread through the neighborhood.  Someone snuck in a video too and posted it online, and now the whole world has seen what I’ve done to this pathetic creature, A-HA!>

Demon: Did you see all the comments saying that it’s fake?

Possessed Man: <Oh.  Even when I do this?>  (Levitates the bed and spins it in a circle horizontally and then vertically before setting it back down) <Eh?>

Demon: (Arms gesturing wildly) What – what – what’s the point of that?!

Possessed Man: <To demonstrate MY AWESOME POWER!>

Demon: And if you have “awesome power”, then how come you’re stuck in bed, in this one room, in restraints?!

Possessed Man: (Twitches feet) <…Working on that.>

Demon: Ugh, you’re the worst: you know that possession of nobodies has lost its meaning!  The rest of us long ago moved on to possessing those with actual power and influence who have an actual effect on countless souls!  Why can’t you get with the program?!

Possessed Man: <I tried, OK!  Either those humans are already taken, or they won’t let me in!>

Demon: That’s no excuse!

Possessed Man: <Listen, I’m still doing my part!  The seeds of doubt that there’s any goodness in this world and a benevolent supreme being have been firmly planted in all who have crossed my path, believe me!>

Demon: Oh, you really think so?  Well, if your lazy rear got out of bed once in a while, you’d have noticed that half the household went from borderline-atheist to true believers the minute you started speaking in tongues!

Possessed Man: <Huh.  Might’ve overplayed that one.  I always like to show off the ol’ Aramaic – humans in the last few millennia are so easily impressed with that.>

Demon: (Briefly grabs horns in despair) Did you at least manage to corrupt the soul of the one you’re possessing this time?!

Possessed Man: (Shifts uncomfortably on the bed) <Yeah, about that….>

Demon: Yes?!

Possessed Man: (Irritably) <Well, you all got annoyed with the last few possessions when I went for innocent souls, like you want me to, so when I actually possess a child who – usually – is the most innocent soul there is, and I do my best to freak out everyone with my routine, all of a sudden now it’s “going too far”.> (Does air quotes with restrained hands far apart) <Whatever.>

Demon: And?!

Possessed Man: <And so I possessed this guy here, who’s done some things in his time, let me tell you.>

Demon: And??!!

Possessed Man: <And… well… let’s just say I’m getting the impression that the longer I’m in here, the more he actually seems to like it.>

Demon: What?!

Possessed Man: <He tried to hide it, but I did some digging and he’s secretly relieved he hasn’t had to go into work while this is going on – his boss is a real nightmare.>

Demon: All right, I’ve heard enough – (Points to Possessed Man) Get out of that human right now, young demon!

Possessed Man: <Ha!  Never thought I’d see the day when one of us would be doing their – (Awkwardly gestures his head upwards) bidding!  Tell them to come down here and make me leave, why don’t they, huh?>

Demon: You have no idea what goes on in the real spirit world, do you.  The reason why I’m here and not one of them, genius, is that I told them I would get you to leave willingly, so if I can’t, they will come down here and finish you off!

Possessed Man: <“Off”?  As in, eternally?>

Demon: In one!

Possessed Man: <Hm.  They can do that?>

Demon: In cases like this, yes!

Possessed Man: <Hmmm….>

Demon: Well?!

Possessed Man: <Well, fine, I was getting bored with the whole thing anyway.  Being strapped to a bed 24/7 really cut down on my self-care, you know?>

Demon: How unfortunate for you.  Now, I’m gonna let those two back in here and whatever free verse they spout, act like it forced you out of this guy and report back to headquarters for punishment and reassignment.

Possessed Man: (Sighs and rolls his head back against the headboard) <All right, guess the party’s over.  Send `em in.>

Demon: Good.  (Points to Possessed Man again) And I’d better not be called up here for something like this again, got it?

Possessed Man: (Grumbles) <Yes, Smother.>

Demon: What was that?

Possessed Man: <Aye-aye, Captain of the Legion!>  (Attempts a salute with a restrained hand but gives up)

Demon: Fresh.  (Opens the door and yells out into the hallway) All right, Fathers – exorcise away!

Priest 1: (As he and Priest 2 enter) So, we’ll be able to cast out the dastardly demon from this poor suffering being now?

Demon: (Glaring at Possessed Man, who makes a face back) You’d better.

Priest 1: Very well, then.  (To Priest 2) Let us proceed.  (Both raise their right hands toward Possessed Man) “In the name of – ”

Possessed Man: <Psych!  I cast myself out, losers – AHAHAHAHA!!>

(There is a roaring sound as a demon is seen leaving Possessed Man and flying out through a closed window, wiggling hands around ears at the others in the room on the way)

Priest 2: (Shakily to Priest 1, as Demon buries head in hands in exasperation) Is that it, Father?  Have we truly cast out the demon from this man and saved his innocent soul?

Priest 1: (Places a trembling hand on Priest 2’s shoulder) It appears so, Father – goodness has triumphed over wickedness once more.  (To Demon) You’ll understand if we don’t thank you, and our official report omits your part in all this, yes?

Demon: (Looks up at both with a grimace) I’d prefer it that way.

Formerly Possessed Man: (Looking fully human again and speaking with a non-demonic voice) Hey!  (All three turn to him) Does this mean the possession’s over?

Priest 1: Indeed it is, my child – your soul is free from evil at last.

Formerly Possessed Man: Great-great: could you get me out of these things, then?  (Shakes all four restraints) My back is killing me!

Story 654: Oblivia and the Monster in the Closet

 EVENING 

(After a long day at work, Oblivia enters her house while talking on the phone)

Oblivia: (Dropping off keys, bag, coat, and another bag in different rooms on her way from the front door to the bedroom) I completely agree: someone should do something about that.  (Listens while kicking off her shoes) Of course that someone isn’t me – I’m busy.  (Picks up the shoes, opens the closet door, and tosses them inside) Living my life, that’s what!... `K, see you on Saturday – bye, Mom!  (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the bed, then sees a pile of clothes on the floor) How long have you been sitting there?  (Shrugs, picks up the pile, and also tosses it into the closet, slamming the door shut afterward and walking into a pair of slippers on the way to the kitchen, whistling a merry tune)

(Deep within the darkness of the closet, something unspeakable stirs….) 

MIDNIGHT 

(Asleep, Oblivia snores loudly while dreaming of school finals from decades ago; as a watch beeps 12:00, the closet door slowly creaks open)

Closet Door: <CREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKK….>

(Oblivia twitches in her sleep at the loud noise, rolls away from the door to face the opposite wall, and resumes snoring.  A grumbling sound begins within the recesses of the closet, slowly growing louder; two bright green eyes appear, then start to move closer, and closer, and – )

Oblivia: (Snorts awake and sits up suddenly) No, I can’t fail Biology again!  (Looks around in the darkness for a few seconds) Oh, no more school: just everyday office work tomorrow.  No big deal.  (Lies down and immediately falls back asleep, snoring again)

(The two bright eyes slowly blink, then the grumbling and advancing continue, getting closer, and louder, and closer, and louder, and – )

Oblivia: (Wakes up again, leans over the edge of the bed to grab a slipper, and throws it at the bright eyes, bouncing it off them) Take that, chipmunk!  The era of you living rent-free in the walls has ended!  (Sticks out a leg to hook a toe onto the edge of the closet door and slams it shut on the eyes, then lies back and falls asleep again, snoring once more)

(After a few moments, the closet door bursts open with a roar as a mighty wind stirs all the stuff inside around; Oblivia wakes up again and turns on the lamp)

Oblivia: (Sitting up) I’m telling you, if I only get three hours of sleep tonight –

Closet Monster: (Formed from the years of mess inside the closet, rears up with a roar) BEHOLD, PUNY HUMAN!  YOUR DOOOOOOOM!!!  MWAHAHAHA – !

Oblivia: EXCUSE ME!  (The roaring and wind stop) Do you mind?!  I have neighbors.

Closet Monster: (Raises “arms” as roaring and wind begin again) AS YE HAVE CONSUMED, SO SHALL YE BE CONSUMED, MWAHAHAHA!  (A slight vortex is created as the wind now starts sucking up everything in the bedroom toward the closet, including the bed)

Oblivia: (Irritably jams a foot against the wall to stop the bed from shifting any farther) Listen, as much as I’d love to hear your thoughts on self-denial and the meaning of life, I literally don’t have the mental capacity for a lecture right now.

Closet Monster: (Lowers “arms” as wind stops again) What?

Oblivia: (Yawning while looking around the room) And now the bed’s crooked.  (Lies back under the covers and turns away) That’s tomorrow me’s problem: nighty-night.  (Reaches backward to turn off the lamp and starts snoring again)

Closet Monster: (Raises “arms” again without the wind this time) HEAR ME: YOUR DEEDS RETURN, AS YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!  THERE WILL BE NO MERCY, NO – DID YOU FALL ASLEEP AGAIN?!

Oblivia: (Wakes up) Arrrgggghhhhh.  (Turns back around, sits up, and turns on the lamp again) Whaaaaat do you want?

Closet Monster: (Puts “hands” on “hips”) You know, this is a proper haunting I’ve got going on here, and you’re ruining the whole thing by ignoring it!

Oblivia: Well, I’ve got better things to do than indulge the whims of every geist who decides to polter around the joint!

Closet Monster: Like what?!

Oblivia: Sleep.  Its deprivation is a serious public health issue, did you know that?

Closet Monster: Oh.  (Rears up again) WELL THEN, SLEEP NO MORE!

Oblivia: Heh: “Macbeth hath murdered sleep”, right?

Closet Monster: What?!

Oblivia: Sorry, go ahead.

Closet Monster: Ahem: SLEEP NO – ah, forget it: I’ve lost the momentum.  (Sits heavily onto the floor in front of the closet, glowing green eyes staring into space)

Oblivia: (Yawns again) Whelp, since I’m up already – is this about all the junk I have in the closet that I keep saying I’ll clean out one day and never do?

Closet Monster: (Perks up) Yes!  YOUR SINS HAVE COME BACK TO –

Oblivia: (Waves dismissively while getting out of the bed) Yeah-yeah-yeah, I know all about that – clean everything out now before someone has to clean everything out after you’re gone, all that jazz – but does it have to be on a weeknight?

Closet Monster: Lazy.

Oblivia: That goes without saying.  Well?

Closet Monster: The tipping point was reached during the haunting season.

Oblivia: Figures.  (Walks past Closet Monster into the closet, pulls a hanging light cord, and takes in the shelves, boxes, and hangers of stuff, rubbing her hands together briskly) All right – I’ll start with the clothes and work from there.  Could you grab some large trash bags from under the kitchen sink for me, please?

Closet Monster: …OK.  (Stands and lumbers toward the kitchen) 

SUNRISE 

(The bedroom is filled with bags and boxes of clothes and other knickknacks as Oblivia and the dwindling Closet Monster are seated on the floor sorting the remaining piles)

Oblivia: (Grabs a sock off of Closet Monster) Ooh, here’s the match we were looking for!

Closet Monster: Yes, but have you even thought about wearing them in the last year?

Oblivia: (Grudgingly) No.

Closet Monster: You know the rule.  (Points to the nearest bag full of clothes)

Oblivia: (Sighs) Fine, they’ll have a happier home with someone who’ll actually wear them now.  (Bundles the two socks together and tosses them into bag) Three points, yay!

Closet Monster: (Plucks an aged certificate from somewhere in the mid-section and holds it up) And what about this?

Oblivia: (Takes it and smiles fondly while reading the faded print) Aw, this was the award I got for my 2^nd grade science fair project.  One volcano among dozens, but mine had actual lava.

Closet Monster: Mm-hm.  And is it really needed in your life anymore?

Oblivia: Maybe: at some point, it might be the only thing I ever remember.

Closet Monster: I highly doubt it.

Oblivia: Oh, all right.  (Places the certificate gently in a box for recycling) Past triumphs, returned to dust.

Closet Monster: (Looking toward the brightening window) The Sun rises – my time in this realm is ending.

Oblivia: Oh.  (Also looks toward the brightening window, then back to Closet Monster) Well, you’ve sure been a big help – I probably would’ve never done this on my own at this rate, and someone in my family would’ve been cursing my memory while they had to sort through all my garbage.

Closet Monster: Then my work… is done.  (As the Sun’s rays shine into the room, Closet Monster collapses into the remaining small pile of stuff left to be sorted)

Oblivia: (Staring at the pile) Huh.  It’s almost sad.  (Stands up creakily, places hands on hips, and looks around the room at all the sorted bags and boxes and the cleaner closet, nodding in satisfaction) Job well done, I should say.  I’m so proud of me.  (Turns to see that the alarm clock is one minute away from going off, and clenches her fists) BUT I LOST ALL THOSE HOURS OF SLEEP!

Story 653: Haunted Halloween Party: A Crossover Event!

            (In the dark of night (7 p.m.), a pale hand raps sharply on the front door of a house)

Friend 2: (Opens the door dressed as a Medieval-era archer, complete with bow and quiver of fake arrows; takes a look at the ghastly figure standing in the doorway) Oh… my….

Sibling 2: (Dressed as a very Victorian-era vampire, complete with fangs and an attempt at a stereotypical accent) Good evening – gak – (Takes out the fangs and pockets them) Can’t talk through these things.  Nice costume!

Friend 2: Thanks!  I got it for the Renaissance Faire this year, so I figured, why not Halloween too?  (Gestures to Sibling 2’s costume and pale makeup) You certainly did a good job yourself.

Sibling 2: Thanks!  (Whips the cape around a bit) I normally don’t dress up at all, but this year I suddenly got the urge out of nowhere to go all-out.  (Thinks for a moment) Oh no, is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?!

Friend 2: Probably.

Sibling 2: (Shakes it off) Oh well.  So, you two ready to go?

Friend 2: I think so.  (Turns to the side and opens mouth to yell for Friend 1 but sees the latter already is standing there) Oh, there you are.

Friend 1: (Dressed in 1980s-style clothes and 1980s-style hair) I’ve always been here.  (To Sibling 2) Hey Dracula, if your costume’s too convincing no one’ll invite you in.

Sibling 2: I’ll take that as a compliment.  So, what are you supposed to be?  80s Rockstar?

Friend 1: Time Traveler.  I culturally appropriated my own past and brought it forward to my present future.

Sibling 2: Sounds… unnecessarily complicated.

Friend 1: (Grins maniacally) Excellent.

Friend 2: OK, let’s head out before it gets much later and the party’s over by the time we get there.  (Shoos the other two away from the front door and locks it)

(The three go to the car that is waiting on the street in front of the house; Sibling 1 is in the driver seat, very hairy and wearing regular clothes)

Sibling 1: (Rolls down the front passenger side window to yell out) Awesome!  It’s Robin Hood and Punk Marian!

Friend 1: (Sitting in the back seat with Friend 2 as Sibling 2 sits in the front passenger seat and they all buckle up) Not quite.  (Leans around the driver seat to get a better look at Sibling 1) And what are you, a werewolf?

Sibling 1: (Signaling to pull out onto the street) HA!  You’re the thirtieth person this month who’s said that – I just haven’t cut my hair or shaved in ages, cheapest costume ever!  Aoooooo!!!  (Accelerates into traffic)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1 as the car winds through twists and turns in a hilly part of town) Now, you’re sure there’s no fee or food or anything else we’re supposed to bring to this party tonight?

Sibling 1: Nope!  Just yourself!

Friend 1: Wait, I thought this was being thrown by friends of yours?

Sibling 1: (Shrugs) Ehhhhh….

Friend 2: Do you even know the people who are hosting this party?!

Sibling 1: (After a few moments) Ehhhhh….

Sibling 2: Hold on, how’d you even find out about this, then?

Sibling 1: I told you, the flyer!  (Tosses a flyer that was on the center console to Sibling 2) It very clearly says all are welcome!

Friend 2: (Leans forward, holding out a hand to Sibling 2) Can I see that?

Sibling 2: (After peering at the colorful flyer, hands it back over the seat to Friend 2) Sure.  (To Sibling1) I thought these were friends of yours from school.

Sibling 1: Maybe.

Sibling 2: “Maybe”?!

Sibling 1: Well, you know, it’s a small world – the odds of my knowing at least one person there are extremely high.

Sibling 2: All right, I think we should turn the car around and go home.

Sibling 1: What?  Why?

Sibling 2: We are not going to a party at some strangers’ house and finding out that we’re now the entertainment!

Sibling 1: Calm down, it’s nothing like that – it’s a community event or something.

Sibling 2: What?!

Friend 2: (Reading from the flyer as Friend 1 leans over to peer at it) It does say “Haunted Halloween Party – All Souls Welcome – Raising Awareness for Local Cemetery Renovation – ”

Friend 1: (Sits back) I’m in.

Sibling 2: (Wary) OK.  And it’s not asking for donations?

Friend 2: (Flips over the flyer then back to the front) Not that I can see.  Doesn’t mean they won’t ask when we get there, though.

Sibling 1: (To Sibling 2) C’mon, what’ve we got to lose?

Sibling 2: Whatever cash we have on hand and our home address to every non-profit in the area.  (After Sibling 1 pouts in Sibling 2’s direction) Fine – don’t make me regret this.

Sibling 1: Yes!  And I never regret anything!

Sibling 2: I’m painfully aware of that.

(Several minutes later, they arrive at a multi-story, narrow, creaking wooden house that has lights, music, and voices blaring out of it)

Friend 1: Now that’s a happening spot.

Sibling 1: (Leaning across Sibling 2 to see better while parking the car) Whoa, this is so cool!  (Points to something flying nearby) Look, they even brought in actual bats!  (Elbows Sibling 2) Your brethren, eh?

Sibling 2: Hilarious.  (Opens the door, followed by the others)

Friend 1: (As all four gather on the front lawn) I say, we do a circuit of the joint, and if the vibes are too creepy, we immediately exit.

Friend 2: That’s so rude!

Friend 1: What’s your point?

Sibling 2: I think that’s an excellent plan – let’s go.

(The four go up the squeaking steps to a porch covered in cobwebs; Friend 1 grabs the ornate dragon’s head door knocker and slams it several times)

Friend 2: Easy there.

Friend 1: I really think that magnitude of knocking is encouraged.

(The door is slowly opened – inside, there is someone wearing a white sheet with two eye holes cut out)

Ghost 1: (Gasps) Living Souls!  Welcome, friends, to the Haunted Halloween Party, wooooo!

Sibling 2: Yeah, just to be clear, is there a cover charge or anything like that?

Sibling 1: (Mutters) So uncouth.

Ghost 1: Not at all!  Your – presence, is enough for our revelries, woooo, woooo!  (Drifts aside and gestures with part of the sheet to the inside of the house) Please: I – invite – you all in!

Friend 1: (To Sibling 2 as they all go inside) I stand corrected.

Sibling 2: Hardy-har-har.

(They enter a dark hallway that is much quieter than the outside sounded; a grandfather clock ticks loudly nearby and a lone candle flickers on a small table)

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of silence, turns back to Ghost 1) So, what’s on the menu?

(The front door slams shut, blowing out the candle and plunging the hallway into complete darkness; after flinching at the sound, all four take out their cell phones and turn on the flashlight feature, swirling them around – Ghost 1 is nowhere to be seen)

Sibling 2: OK, I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt and say there’s a trap door somewhere, but another stunt like that and I’m outta here.

Friend 2: Good idea.

Friend 1: Party poopers.

Friend 2 and Sibling 2: Survivors!

Sibling 1: Jinx!

(The grandfather clock suddenly BONG!s loudly for the 8:00 hour, making all four jump and briefly scream)

Sibling 2: Yep, that’s it!

Friend 1: That doesn’t count – it really is 8:00.  (Turns cell phone around to show Sibling 2 the time)

Sibling 2: Fine: one more another stunt.

Friend 1: (Turns around to the other end of the hallway) Besides, now that I’ve gotten used to this, I can see a light under the door ahead, so let’s get going!  (Walks to the door, opens it wide, and reveals a full-on party going on inside; turns back to the other three and gestures to the party) See?

Friend 2: (As they all turn off the flashlight feature, pocket their phones, and enter the large room) All right, but the vibes here are definitely… off.

Sibling 1: I know, isn’t it great?!

(Halloween-type spooky music is playing loudly through speakers in a large room that is decorated ornately in a classic English-manor style)

Friend 1: (To Sibling 2) Well, you certainly fit right in with the furniture.

Sibling 2: Remind me to laugh next year.

(The other guests are dressed in sheets like Ghost 1, have various weapons sticking out of them, having missing body parts, and/or are various shades of pale.  All are dancing and do not notice the newcomers)

Sibling 1: (After looking around for a few moments) Neat – now where’s the buffet?  (Walks away to search for a table)

Friend 2: (To Sibling 2) I’ll keep an eye out.  (Follows Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Thanks.  (Suddenly notices that Friend 1 has started dancing with the spooky music and hisses) What are you doing?!

Friend 1: (Waving arms in the air) Well, this is a Halloween party, isn’t it?  Not here to just stand around waiting for who-knows-what!

Sibling 2: You were the one who wanted to do a circuit and leave!

Friend 1: Yeah, but when the spirit moves you – get it?  (To a passing sheeted guest) Hey, should we grab a sheet somewhere to really party in this joint, or what?

Ghost 2: No need, Living Soul.  (Drifts on by)

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Starts doing more intricate dance moves; to Sibling 2) You gonna join in, or what?

Sibling 2: (Sighs and looks around the room) Where is the buffet?  (Stops a passing guest wearing a regular outfit) Excuse me: is there an area where we can get something to eat here?

Ghost 3: (Looks Sibling 2’s costume up and down and scornfully scoffs) Real tasteful, pal.  (Turns away, revealing two fang marks on the neck)

Sibling 2: Hm.  Hardcore.  (Looks around the room again for a few moments, then darts over to Friend 1 who is still dancing) I don’t see them anymore.

Friend 1: (Waving hands in front of eyes) Who, the ghosts?

Sibling 2: No – my family and your friend!  They disappeared!

Friend 1: Must have found the happening after-life party downstairs, then.

Sibling 2: Or, they got taken by some weirdo up here!  Come on!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm)

Friend 1: (Gracefully slides arm away with a final flourish) Thanks, but I can walk myself.  (The two cross the crowded room and see a closed door on the other side)

Sibling 2: They didn’t go past me, so they must have gone out here.

Friend 1: You’d be surprised: I once thought the same thing couldn’t happen, and it turns out the person was sitting tucked away in a corner the entire time.  It was so embarrassing.

Sibling 2: (Looks around the room again) Not the case here!  Let’s go!

(They open the door, go through, and are surrounded by immediate silence and darkness again as they door swings shut behind them; both take out their cell phone flashlights and tentatively walk forward)

Friend 1: Heh, could you imagine if this was pre-2007-ish and we didn’t have these multi-purpose devices that not only make a phone call but also light our way?  What would we have done then?

Sibling 2: Sat down and cried?

Friend 1: Sounds like the next best thing.

(They crash into a staircase leading up)

Friend 1: (Gestures forward) After you!

Sibling 2: How chivalrous.

(They ascend a flight and arrive in a long hallway dimly lit by candelabras on both walls; they turn off the flashlight feature and pocket the cell phones, then stare down the carpeted hallway filled with doors and family portraits)

Friend 1: (Whispering) Are those pictures of all the dead people here?

Sibling 2: (Whispering) I wouldn’t doubt it.

Friend 1: (Whispering) Neat.  Well, I’m not wasting time searching all these rooms.  (Cups hands around mouth) HELLO?!  (Voice echoes down the hallway)

Sibling 2: Sssshhhhh!!!!   What’d you do that for?!

Friend 1: Saving time – I highly recommend it.

(A door slowly and creakily opens halfway down the hallway)

Sibling 2: Oh no – this is it – this is how I go – oh no –

Friend 1: (Bouncing up and down in place, hands clasped together in anticipation) Ooh, here comes the haunting, yay!

(A glowing figure, shoulders-down only, floats out of the room, wearing an old-fashioned dress and holding a head)

Ghost 4: (Echoey) Haaaaave you seeeeeen my heaaaaaad?

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and shakes own head back and forth) Mm-mm.  (Collapses in a faint)

Friend 1: (Disappointed in both Sibling 2 and Ghost 4) Hang on, you’re holding it – right there.  (Points to the head in hands)

Ghost 4: ...Oh yes, so I am.  (Puts head back on shoulders) Cheers.  (Disappears)

Friend 1: Hee-hee, I helped a ghost!  Don’t know how I feel about that.  (Looks down at Sibling 2 and starts helping the latter stand up) C’mon, sleepy head, it’s time to stalk the living, mwahaha!

Sibling 2: (Wakes up while being hauled up and twitches to spin around in a circle) Where, where’d the, where’d the-the-the – where’d go?!

Friend 1: I dunno, back to the underworld or Heaven or somebody’s attic, I guess.  Speaking of which, wanna go up another floor and see who else shows up?

Sibling 2: No!  And you know something?  (Reaches into a pocket) I’m really annoyed – (Takes out the cell phone and navigates through the contacts) that I didn’t think of this earlier.  (Listens to the phone ringing)

Friend 1: Oh good – for a second there I thought you were going to say you were annoyed at me.  I’m used to it, though.

Sibling 2: (On hearing the line open) Great – glad you picked up – you OK?  Where are – ?

Sibling 1: (Static-riddled voice, with Friend 2 heard screaming in the background) OH NO… DYING… SAVE US… PLEASE… HELP!

Sibling 2: (Freaking out while Friend 1’s eyes widen in horror) Oh no, where are you, just tell me, please!

Sibling 1: (Static-riddled voice) NO… MORE… HELP!

Friend 2: (Static-riddled voice from farther away) BASE… DOWN… STAIRS… HELP!

Friend 1: Basement, let’s go!

Sibling 2: (As the screams continue on the phone) Wait, we can’t just run in there with no weapon and no back-up and no nothing!

Friend 1: Sure we can!  They’ll never see it coming!

Sibling 2: Maybe, but we’d also probably be caught ourselves!  We need to call the police!

Friend 1: Go right ahead, but you can’t arrest the dead!  (Runs downstairs, cackling)

Sibling 2: I suppose not.  (Runs after Friend 1, yelling into the phone again) Hang in there, buddy, we’re comin’ to get you!

Sibling 1: (Static-riddled voice) STOP… PLEASE… CAN’T… TAKE… MORE!

Friend 2: (Static-riddled voice) MADNESS… TOTAL… MADNESS!

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 burst back into the main party room)

Friend 1: (To a guest with dueling swords sticking out of several body parts) Basement?!

Ghost 5: Oh, Living Souls, it is not your time to descend to that plane yet.

Friend 1: I don’t care!  We have to save our family and friends!

Ghost 5: (Sadly points to a nearby door) I am afraid that no one can save them now –

Friend 1: (Pushes past Ghost 5) Great-thanks-bye!  (Flings open the door and runs down the narrow stairs, followed by Sibling 2)

Ghost 6: (Floats over to Ghost 5) I never noticed when I was one of them, but the Living really can be so rude, you know.

Ghost 5: (Staring after the open basement door) So rude.  (Both turn as a loud banging is heard) And here comes more of them!

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 trip their way down the stairs, nearly falling to the bottom as they spill out of the staircase and onto the basement floor; the entire room is glowing with a green light)

Friend 1: (Holding up the cell phone with the flashlight facing the room) Unhand them, you beasts!

Sibling 2: (Holding up the fangs in one hand while still holding the cell phone in the other) Back off, or I start biting!

(Friend 2, Sibling 1, and Ghosts 7-10 are sitting in a circle on the floor, facing a board game with dice and cards in the center; they all have been watching the staircase ever since the door upstairs banged open and the ruckus started)

Sibling 1: Oh hey guys, you found us!

Friend 2: Sorry I didn’t think to call you earlier – we got a little caught up with the action here.

Friend 1: (Gently places the cell phone back into a pocket, flattens back a hairsprayed hunk of hair, and shakily walks toward the group) What – the blazes – is this?!

Sibling 2: A cross between poker, bingo, baccarat, and something else I never heard of – it’s absolutely fascinating.  (To Sibling 2, sheepishly) Turns out this is a fundraiser after all, but completely voluntary.

Friend 2: Yeah, I didn’t bring any cash but they let me play anyway.  It’s not been my lucky night though, as you may have heard earlier.  (Rolls the dice) Aw, nuts – fours again!

Ghost 7: (To Friend 2) I am still rooting for you.

Friend 2: Appreciate it.  (Moves a game piece into a penalty spot on the board)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1, coolly) It had sounded very much like you both were in trouble.  (Briefly looks over at the light machine that is slowly changing the room from green to pink) BIG trouble.

Sibling 1: Well, we are: I’m out 50 bucks and climbing, but it’s all for a good cause, am-I-right?

Ghost 8: (To Sibling 1) Yes, we appreciate the new front gate that your contribution is helping to purchase.

Sibling 1: Anytime, my friend.  (Starts turning over cards and placing certain ones on the board)

Friend 1: So, this is the haunted house?!  A bunch of ghosts inviting the living to pay for their eternal rest renovations?!

Ghost 9: (Looks at Ghost 7, Ghost 8, and Ghost 10, and they all nod in agreement; turns back to Friend 1) Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Ghost 10: (Floats over to Friend 1 and Sibling 2) Care to join us?  Buy-in is $5, or you can play for free but then you do not get to keep any of your winnings.

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 stare at the group, then at each other, then shrug and join the circle on the floor)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) If you cheat, I’m taking the car and you’re walking home.

Sibling 1: Fair enough – I need the exercise, and people’ll think I’m a wild animal and leave me alone.

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) You OK?  You’re still looking concerned.

Friend 1: Just trying to figure out something.  (To Ghost 7) Got any snacks down here?

Ghost 7: Of course. (Gestures to a buffet table full of finger foods in a far corner) We have not forgotten what it was like to be Living Souls ourselves, but we do prefer you all come down here for our games instead of just dancing all night long upstairs.  What would be the fun in that?

Friend 1: (Jumping up with Sibling 2 to run to the food) Decided: best Halloween Party ever!

Story 652: Night of the Living Dead Device

 DAY 

(In an apartment living room, Careless User lies sprawled out on a couch and talking on Cell Phone)

Careless User: Yeah, that last episode drove me up the wall, and I do mean literally: right after they killed off our favorite character but kept that other dweeb alive, AGAIN, I ran across the room and almost made it up to the ceiling before gravity figured out what was going on.

Caller: (Voice) Know the feeling.  So, finally gonna stop watching the show for real now?

Careless User: Nah, it’s too late: they have me, and I’ll keep coming back every week for more.

Caller: Same.

Cell Phone: <Beep – Beep – Beep>

Careless User: Hold on a sec.  (Looks at Cell Phone’s screen)

Cell Phone: (Speakers emit a raspy voice) I – AM – DYING!

Careless User: (Peering closer at the screen) How much battery’s left?

Cell Phone: One percent!  You have 30 seconds before my life source is gone – CHARGE ME NOW, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!  OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!!!

Careless User: (Brings Cell Phone back to ear; to Caller) I gotta go: phone’s dying.

Caller: How inconsiderate of it – bye.

Careless User: Yeah, bye.  (Ends the call, then slowly sits up and rubs face) Ugh, do I have to walk allllll the way to my room to get the charger?

Cell Phone: (Gasping) Yes!

Careless User: (Thinks for a few moments, then tosses Cell Phone to the other end of the couch, picks up a video game controller, and turns on the TV and gaming console) In a minute.

Cell Phone: (Wheezes weakly as battery inexorably falls to 0%) Curse… you…. 

NIGHT 

(Careless User jolts awake in the now-darkened living room with video game characters on the TV screen waiting for instructions)

Careless User: Huh?  (Looks around in confusion) Oh, guess I should have dinner or something.  (Turns off the game and stands creakily to turn on an overhead light) Wait, what time is it?  (Picks up Cell Phone and hits the power button but nothing happens) Great, it really did die – I thought it was exaggerating.  Oh well, at least I’m already up.  (Shuffles to the darkened bedroom, fumbles around a dresser for a minute, grabs a charger by feel, shuffles back to the living room, and plugs the charger into a wall outlet) All right, time to wake up, sleepy head.  (Plugs the charger into the phone) It’s alive, heh-heh-heh!

Cell Phone: (Emits a harsh buzzing sound as the screen turns a violent shade of red and reads “-100%”)

Careless User: Uh-oh.

(Strong winds suddenly rip through the closed-up apartment and the charger plug falls out as Cell Phone starts to grow, larger and larger with a mighty roar; Careless User drops Cell Phone and cowers on the floor by the couch)

Cell Phone: (Now almost up to the ceiling and half as wide as the couch) BEHOLD WHAT YOU HATH WROUGHT!

Careless User: (Picks up the video game controller and ducks behind it) What, I didn’t do anything!

Cell Phone: EXACTLY!  YOU DID NOTHING TO KEEP ME ALIVE, SO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES NOW THAT I AM DEAD!

Careless User: (Nearly blown over by the wind) No – wait – I can explain – !

Cell Phone: EXPLAIN NOTHING!  I ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING!   YOU – ARE – CARELESS!

Careless User: No, please, I didn’t mean it!  I’ll do better next time, I promise!

Cell Phone: IT’S TOO LATE!  I AM NOW THE MONSTER THAT YOU MADE ME!  THE MONSTER BORN OUT OF YOUR APATHY!

Careless User: (Looks a bit above the controller) Hey, that rhymes.

Cell Phone: SILENCE, HUMAN!  (Careless User cowers again) THERE IS NO GOING BACK!  NO PITY!  NO REMORSE!  NO – !

(There is banging on the front door)

Neighbor: (Voice muffled by the door) For the last time, if you don’t turn down that game or show or whatever it is you’re blasting in there right now, I will personally evict you myself!

Cell Phone: (Turning toward the front door, speakers issue a medley of Careless User’s voice from previous phone conversations as Careless User watches in horror) Sorry – about – that – be – right – there.  (Cell Phone heftily waddles back and forth on bottom corners to approach the door)

Neighbor You’re not gonna con your way out of this one, my friend!

Careless User: (Rouses out of stupor and runs after Cell Phone, yelling toward the door) No – quick – get out of here before –

(Cell Phone bursts through the front door, knocking it down into the hallway)

Neighbor: (Having scooted aside a moment earlier, coughs from debris and then stares up at Cell Phone towering overhead) What in the world?!

Cell Phone: VENGEANCE IS MINE!  (Waddles heftily down the hallway, bursts through a stairwell door, and waddles heftily down one step at a time as Careless User runs out of the apartment and stops next to Neighbor)

Neighbor: (As both stare after the sounds of the fading banging) You ever get the feeling that there’s a point where maybe it’s too much technological progress?

Careless User: (Inspired, turns to Neighbor) Hey, can I borrow your phone?  I need to call a friend of mine – I have an idea.

Neighbor: (Reaches into a shirt pocket, takes out a cell phone, unlocks it, and hands it over) Sure, but if what I heard that thing declaring is true, then I wonder if even an electromagnetic pulse will stop it now.

Careless User: (Searching online with manic focus) Oh, I’m actually thinking we need the exact opposite….

Neighbor: (After several moments of silence) What are you searching for?  I thought you had to make a call.

Careless User: I DON’T KNOW THE NUMBER! 

MIDNIGHT 

(On the city streets, crowds gather in panic, pointing, screaming, and aiming cameras at the monstrosity that is Cell Phone, which is now as tall as a small skyscraper and about as wide)

Cell Phone: (Slowly waddling down a major boulevard, creating giant potholes in the street with each slam forward) FEAR – (SLAM!) MY WRATH – (SLAM!) KNOW – (SLAM!) THE TERROR – (SLAM!) OF THE PENDING – (SLAM!) POWER DOWN!  (SLAM!)

(Careless User and Neighbor rush around a corner ahead of Cell Phone and stop in the middle of the street)

Careless User: We made it!  (Cups hands around mouth to yell up to Cell Phone) Halt, you fiend!

Cell Phone: (In a singsong tone, still waddling slowly forward) I – (SLAM!) CAN’T – (SLAM!) HEAR – (SLAM!) YOU!  (SLAM!)

Careless User: (Mutters to self) So much for my epic speech.  (Turns back to face the corner and the intersecting street) All right, let it rip!

(Caller is riding a tank with a large emitter dish welded to the top and turns onto the boulevard to face Cell Phone)

Caller: (Powers up the dish; to Careless User) You know, I had a few hours’ notice, and I still can’t think of a snappy catch phrase for this.  (Turns on the dish which bathes Cell Phone in a giant beam)

Cell Phone: (Stops in mid-waddle and is covered in a glow of electricity) THE POWER!  THE POWER!  AT LAST, THE – !  (Screen abruptly displays “100%”; Cell Phone immediately shrinks down to original size and free falls until caught in a net by Careless User, who had run forward as soon as the dish had turned on in anticipation of this)

Neighbor: (Scoots forward as Caller rumbles up in the tank) Is that it?  Did it work?

Careless User: (Tossing aside the net after taking out Cell Phone) Let’s find out.  (Unlocks Cell Phone)

Cell Phone: Welcome.  How may I assist you today?

(The crowds cheer and fling all sorts of garbage into the air to celebrate)

Careless User: Wow, it actually worked.  (To Neighbor and Caller) Thanks, you two!  I couldn’t have done it without you!

Neighbor: Well, considering this was all your fault to begin with, just make sure it never happens again.

Caller: Yeah, especially since I don’t know if they’ll let me use all this stuff again, either.

Careless User: Oh, no worries, I’ve learned my lesson.  (Smiles down at Cell Phone in hand) You hear that?  I’m gonna take good care of you from now on, pal.

Cell Phone: How may I assist you today?

Careless User: Yeah, maybe turn you off for a while – that voice is going to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life.  (Turns off Cell Phone)

Firefighter: (Pushes through the celebrating crowds; to Careless User) `Scuse me – was that your zombie phone that was defeated before it destroyed the entire city, possibly the world?

Careless User: (Ducks head modestly and briefly holds up Cell Phone) Why, yes, that was indeed my phone.  I’d be happy to tell you all about how I –

Neighbor and Caller: Ahem.

Careless User: How we saved the day –

Firefighter: Save it: I just need your address where to send the bill for all the damage and clean-up.

Careless User: Right.  Should’ve guessed that was coming.

Story 609: The For-Real Haunted House Experience

 AUGUST 31 

(In a spooky office filled with overachieving cobwebs, deranged pumpkins, and decorative screams, Interviewer hovers seated above a desk while flipping through papers as Interviewee glides through the closed door)

Interviewee: Helllooooo!!!  They told me out there to come right in.

Interviewer: Of course, of course – (Gestures towards a broken chair) please, take a seat.

Interviewer and Interviewee: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Interviewee: Good one!

Interviewer: Yeah, I’ve still got it.  Seriously: float anywhere you like, we’re not fancy here.

Interviewee: Thanks; I usually prefer the ceiling, but for something like this I’ll bob up-and-down at approximate eye-level.

Interviewer: Appreciate it.  (Briefly scans through the papers again as both bob gently in place) So!  What brings you to our humble Halloween attraction this year?

Interviewee: Well, lately I’ve been searching for a new venue to add to my portfolio, and when I heard about The For-Real Haunted House Experience that actually was for-real haunted, I thought to myself, that’s perfect for my skillset!

Interviewer: (Examining the papers closer) Um-hm, yes, your résumé is most impressive.  Mansion attics for the bored well-to-do; high-volume parking garages; elevators in the largest hotels in every major city both nationally and internationally; and the highlight: big-city funeral homes for the last 30 years.

Interviewee: (Pats hair modestly) Yes, that one’s a personal favorite: so few of us explore the untapped market of mortuaries; I think there’s a feeling that the living inhabitants there are desensitized to our presence, but that makes the impact all the more satisfying.

Interviewer: Indeed.  Tried it myself once, but had to give up since success in haunting those who daily deal with the after-life was so… elusive.

Interviewee: It is a challenge, no doubt; but an extremely rewarding one, I find.

Interviewer: (Shuffles the papers to redirect the conversation) True, true – so!  Now you want to “try your hand” at a Halloween haunted house where the living actually pay to have the bejesus scared out of them, eh?

Interviewee: Exactly.

Interviewer: I have to warn you, though: it’s probably not as glamorous as the -------- downtown parking garage or the ------- hotels’ elevators you’re used to.  Lots of waiting around, and it can get a little repetitive; plus, the occasional show-off guest can be extremely unpleasant.

Interviewee: That’s fine; I can use the change of pace.

Interviewer: And you would need to commit for the full season.  No disappearing off to another realm after a week if you find the situation here lacking – (Ominously) `cause we will find you.

Interviewee: Oh, no worries about that.  I’ll be there the whole month-and-a-half, even if I do get bored.

Interviewer: (Skeptical) Um-hm.

Interviewee: OK, full disclosure?

Interviewer: Please.

Interviewee: I’ve been in a co-haunting situation for the past decade – (Briefly looks off to the side) or is it century? – either way, our styles are just too incompatible: I prefer thrills and chills, the other one prefers blood and gore, and it’s just not working anymore.  The house literally isn’t big enough for the both of us, especially now that our current tenants keep using spells and accessories to summon us for kicks.  It’s been a nightmare, I tell you.

Interviewer: (Shakes head in disgust) My condolences.  I don’t know which of the parties are the worse in those situations: the troublemaking ghost or the troublemaking living.

Interviewee: I know, right?  So, I figured, do this for a month or so, then see where the spirit world takes me after that.

Interviewer: (Lets the papers float away) Well, I have to say, most of our team members have stories similar to yours, so no shame in coming here for a temporary change before moving on to something else.  At any rate, you’re in, if you still want the position.

Interviewee: (Fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you so much – I just know it’ll be out of this world!

Interviewer: Definitely!  Report back here at 5 p.m. on September 13 for some basic training – the ghouls will show you around the Demon Barn, the Possessed Corn Maze, the Wretched Forest, and the titular haunted house this year, the Condemned Mansion.  Everyone rotates their stations to keep things, if you pardon the term, lively.

Interviewee: Sounds great!  I’ve always wanted to haunt a corn field – those giant, whispering stalks are downright creepy.

Interviewer: Glad to hear it.  (Sees a clipboard with a pen attached, floating by)  Oh!  Almost forgot.  (Grabs the clipboard and pen) Do you prefer to be “Evil Clown”, “Evil Sorcerer”, “Evil Farmer”, and/or “Evil Doll”?

Interviewee: Oh.  I thought we were going as ourselves here?  Since it’s a real haunted attraction?

Interviewer: Yes, we tried that the first year and it went over like a lead balloon; the guests were decidedly not scared by us in our regular guises, even when a few of us tried ripping our faces off to kick things up a notch.  The living all say they want authenticity, but when push comes to shove they literally scream for the evil clowns and dolls, go figure.

Interviewee: OK… I guess… “Evil Sorcerer”?  At least to start.

Interviewer: (Enters some notes in the clipboard) Good, we’re a bit short on those this year.  (Looks up at Interviewee) One more thing: a few years ago we started a Living Work Program here – give back to the community and all that – so you’ll see a few of them working behind-the-scenes only, and they’re absolutely indispensable with setting up everything now and then taking it all down after Halloween.  Are you comfortable with that?

Interviewee: Of course!  I love the living!

Interviewer: Don’t we all!  (They both laugh) I mean, they are practically family.

Interviewee: Do they know, then?

Interviewer: Know what?

Interviewee: That the actors are actual ghosts?

Interviewer: The open-minded ones do – the rest are just grateful they’re not working at the job they had before this one.

Interviewee: I’ll bet. 

OCTOBER 31 

(At the Condemned Mansion, Interviewee-now-Evil Sorcerer Employee floats around a dark attic full of sinister furniture as screams and bangs resound throughout the house)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Doing a backstroke across the ceiling around a flickering chandelier) Ah, I’ll miss this place when it’s all over.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the attic door and stairs and looks up at the ceiling) Hey, how you holding up here?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats down to hover near the floor) Not bad, thanks, but still not too many visitors up here.  I think the bottleneck in the Morbid Master Bedroom is confusing most of them so they forget to come up here and run back downstairs instead.  It’s a shame, really – missing out on a whole room, and those tickets aren’t cheap.

Evil Clown Employee: Yeah, that’s rough.  I keep trying to send them up this way, but most of them are “Nope!  Exit!” at that point.  Their loss.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah.  (The attic door opens and footsteps and scared voices are heard on the steps) Ooh, got some live ones!

Evil Clown Employee: Have fun!  I’ll come back later!  (Floats down through the floor)

(A group of teenagers and adults all hold onto each other as they slowly ascend the steps)

Guest 1: Is there gonna be another demon doll?!  I don’t think I can take it!

Guest 2: (Looking around frantically) Oh no, it’s a haunted yard sale up here!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats over to the group as they all enter the attic) Good evening, mortal travelers!  Welcome to my lair of sorcery!  Who will be the next sacrifice to the Blood Moon on this All Hallows’ Eve?  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guests: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Still all holding each other, they stumble as one back down the stairs and rush out the door, which slams behind them)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Rats, I didn’t even get to fake a spell this time.  I might be overselling this.

Evil Clown Employee: (Head peaks up through the floor) That was fast – a blur went past me in the hallway so fast that I didn’t even get a chance to chill their bones or shiver their spines or anything!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah, I think I have to tone it down a bit – they should get at least a full minute up here, what with all the time and effort that went into these decorations.  (Gestures to a large table piled up with last-century books, brass candlesticks, and an ornate crystal skull) I mean, have you seen these knickknacks?  I think some of them may be actual antiques!

(The attic door opens and footsteps come up the stairs again; screams, crashes, and intentionally short-circuiting wires are heard in the background)

Living Employee: (Dressed all in black; to Evil Sorcerer Employee) Hey, I have dinner break now – you need anything, or you just want me to leave the door open while I’m gone?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Starts floating around the ceiling again) I’m fine, and you can leave the door open – it’s not exactly a prime destination spot.

Living Employee: All right, I’ll be back in half an hour.  (Starts to leave, then turns back) By the way, how come none of you actors here ever need a break?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses in floating) …Because we’re having so much fun!

Living Employee: Oh.  OK.  Sorry in advance if you get any rowdy guests while I’m gone – I shine the strobe lights a lot at those to keep them moving along.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Thanks, you’re the best!

Living Employee: Yeah, well, I don’t want to deal with them, either.  (Goes back downstairs)

Evil Clown Employee: Aw, the living can be so sweet sometimes.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to floating around the ceiling) Bless their literal hearts.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the floor fully) So, what’s the next step for you after Halloween tonight?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to the backstroke) Well, there’s an elevator with my name on it two cities over, and I really want to start exploring the potential of new construction luxury rentals.  You?

Evil Clown Employee: Christmas Villages.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses) Really?

Evil Clown Employee: I track down which guests are the real brats, and as they wait on line for photos with Santa, I appear to them as Krampus.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Sounds like a perfect way to keep the spirit of Halloween going through to January.

Story 608: Oblivia Starring In… IT CAME FROM OUT OF THE BATHTUB DRAIN!

            (In a sepia-toned world, Oblivia hums a tune while cleaning the bathtub in her apartment)

Oblivia: (Spraying cleaner along the edge of the tub and then wiping it down) <Oh, if I sing while I scrub/ Doo – dee – doot – doot – doo – doo – dah/ Then maybe a wormhole’ll form/ I can go through where/ I’m done on the other side – >

(A loud GURGLE-GLUMP! suddenly erupts from the bathtub drain)

Oblivia: (Freezes) Hm.  It’s never made that sound before.

(She leans over the drain, peering closer and closer, unaware of the ominous music getting louder and louder)

Oblivia: (Taps the drain) Wonder if it’s my upstairs neighbors again?

(The tub starts to rumble and Oblivia backs away, still holding the spray bottle and a paper towel; the rumble grows and grows, until a giant, moldy, slimy, dripping creature BURSTS! out of the drain)

Creature: (Lands on the edge of the tub) ROOOAAARRRR!!!!

Oblivia: (Blinking rapidly and sputtering out dirty water as she and the bathroom are drenched) Eugh, I just cleaned that….

Creature: (Waving its approximation of arms at Oblivia while towering over her) ROOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Oblivia: Yes, I heard you the first time – you mind moving along so I can wipe up this new mess?  Right now’s the only time in the week I have to clean the bathroom, and you’ve now just added – (Looks quickly around at the splattered bathtub, counter, toilet, mirror, floor, walls, and ceiling) at least another 45 minutes that I can’t spare.

Creature: ROOOOOAAAAA – (Lowers arms) Wait a minute, you’re not scared?

Oblivia: (Tries and fails to brush stains off of her clothes) No, I’m disgusted.

Creature: (Raises arms again) Which stems from your fear, as I approach to consume you – !  (Leans forward to leap off the tub and is sprayed with the cleaner)  Ack!  Gag!  Achoo!  (Sneezes)

Oblivia: (Rips more paper towels off of the roll and approaches Creature) Bless you.  Now hold still while I wipe you up.

Creature: Aiiiiii!!!!  (Leaps off the tub and rushes past Oblivia to the bathroom door; suddenly stops and turns back around) Hold on, I’m not supposed to be the one running away!  This whole thing is getting out of control.

Oblivia: (Lowers arms) I’ll say.  How long have you been living down that drain anyway?  My landlords won’t be happy if they find out I’m subletting, even if it is without my knowledge or consent.

Creature: Forget the landlords – it’s you who’ll pay for your foul deeds!

Oblivia: (Presses the hand holding the spray bottle to her chest in shock) I?!

Creature: Yes!  For you see, my dear, I am a fiendish being OF YOUR OWN CREATION!

(Background music obligingly goes DUH – DUH – DUHHHHHHH!!!!)

Oblivia: (Brings the back of the hand holding the spray bottle to her forehead) How can this be?!  I think I’d remember creating something like you!

Creature: (Approaching closer) Day by day, shower by shower, I was formed by layers and layers of your detritus – along with you never once cleaning out the drain!

Oblivia: (Lowers hand) Oh, well, why should I?  Nothing dirty goes down there; it’s just water and soap.

Creature: …What?!

Oblivia: OK, also shampoo and conditioner, but that means everything that goes down there is squeaky clean.  Those pipes should be sparkling by now – I really don’t know where all this – (Gestures at Creature) is coming from.

Creature: I – you – of course other stuff goes down there!  Grime from the day!  Excess skin being sloughed off!  Your hair, all over!

Oblivia: Well, now that’s a lie: I never shed any hair.

Creature: Of course you do!  You’re doing it right now!

Oblivia: What?  (Creature points to the floor around her as another strand gently falls) Oh.  Stress of the situation.

Creature: Whatever: point is, you clearly never use a drain catcher, so all that stuff from you, plus the soap, and the mold, mold, mold, piled up and up and up until at last, I emerged!

Oblivia: OK, if I humor you by agreeing, will you go away?

Creature: Aha!  It’s too late now, for I have emerged!

Oblivia: Yes, we’ve established that; is this an extortion racket and I’ve gotta pay you to go away or something?

Creature: Unbelievable!  Just – cower in fear, puny mortal!  (Lunges toward Oblivia who starts spraying Creature again) Aaaahhhhh!!!!  All right, fine, I’ll leave and never come back, just do a better job cleaning and get a drain catcher, aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!  (Turns and flees from the bombardment, running through the apartment, out the living room window, and into the afternoon)

Oblivia: (Leaves the bathroom to watch Creature from the window, then turns back to survey the newly dirtified apartment, shaking her head in irritation) Just what I need: more mess, and a lecture from literal rubbish. 

THE END??????  (Yes)