SATURDAY
“Morn-ning!”
“Good morning! I hate to say, but you look awfully dreadful today.”
“Right you are: spent a solid hour digging the old bucket of bolts out from under the ‘bomb cyclone’ or ‘polar vortex’ or ‘thunder snow’ or whatever it is the youth are calling it these days, only to have it all plowed back in by the necessary street clearers immediately afterward and had to start the whole bloomin’ process all over again.”
“Hm. Blast.”
“Indeed. You’re just lucky you no longer drive and everyone has to come to you instead, yeah?”
“Well, usually, not being able to drive anymore is quite a hindrance, but I must say on days when there are 15 feet of snow outside and temperatures are in the negative digits, not going anywhere does have its perks.”
“Quite. Tea?”
“Already had mine, so help yourself.”
“Thanks, but I’ll save it for the return journey; as you can see out the window, those innocent-looking flurries are unceasing in their descent from the heavens, and an additional six feet are predicted by tonight.”
“Oh my. You’re welcome to stay the night, you know.”
“I packed my bag for just such an occasion.”
“Good thinking.”
SUNDAY
“Morn-ning!”
“Good morning! Ready to do battle once more in rescuing your bucket of bolts from the clutches of the frozen water smothering it?”
“I would be, if it wasn’t all gone.”
“Sorry?”
“Take a look.”
“…I don’t understand; I can see out the window.”
“Exactly. The frozen water transformed into water-water overnight and washed everything away.”
“But how is that possible? We were surrounded by literal walls of snow – that all should take weeks to go away, even with the rain! And yet I can see the lawn again for the first time in a month!”
“I suppose it helps that the temperature shot up by 50°F overnight as well.”
“Ah. It did feel a bit stuffy in here when I woke this morning.”
“I took the liberty of turning down the thermostat when I got up.”
“Good move. So, off you go then, I suppose; into the downpour instead of the blizzard.”
“Seems like it. You might want to call a plumber at some point, though – the sump pump’s been running all night so the crawl space is probably flooded.”
“I’m sure I won’t be the only one calling.”
MONDAY
“Morn-ning!”
“Oh, good morning! So nice of you to call, but aren’t you stopping by later?”
“Actually, I’m calling to let you know that I have to cancel for today, sorry.”
“Oh, that’s all right, I can manage – is everything OK?”
“Yes, everything’s fine: the thing is… I decided to spend the day at the beach.”
“Oh. As in, the beach?”
“Yes, well, we only have the one in this area, and I’m at it.”
“My, that sounds lovely, but I do have to ask: why?”
“Oh, you know, really, why not?”
“I mean, everyone’s free to do as they please if they’re not hurting anyone or themselves, but I can’t help but notice that we’re physically located in the upper region of the northern hemisphere, and we’re temporally located in the middle of March.”
“Yes?”
“Not exactly beach weather, I should think.”
“Have you stuck your head out the window yet today, or checked the news at all?”
“No, sadly: still trying to wrangle an available plumber and it’s been quite draining.”
“Ah, well, then you may not have noticed that summer arrived while you weren’t looking.”
“Sorry?”
“Temperature rocketed to 90°F today.”
“You’re having a laugh.”
“Take a look outside if you don’t believe me.”
“I certainly will…. Oh dear.”
“What is it?”
“The window sill is melting somewhat.”
“That’s rough – you might need a home repair service when all this is done, too.”
“Well, that’s dashed inconvenient – I’m sweating already, and I can only imagine the entire house is warping as we speak.”
“Rotten luck, that [Slurp].”
“Is that a frozen lemonade I hear you slurping out there?”
“You know me too well. I’d’ve invited you to come along, you know, but I remembered you can’t stand the beach.”
“Gracious no, once you get anywhere near it, that sand is with you forever. Oh, perfect timing, the ice cream truck is here – yoo-hoo! Driver! One small cone with strawberry, please!”
“I’ll leave you to it and come by tomorrow, yeah?”
“Cheers – enjoy the boiling waves!”
TUESDAY
“Morn-ning! Not at the beach today, so I should get there at my usual time!”
“Actually, that’s why I’m calling – you perhaps want to skip again today.”
“That’s all right: the sunburn’s minimal, I’ll be fine!”
“Lovely, but it’s probably not a good idea for anyone to be out on the roads around here today.”
“Oh? Why not?”
“Well, I did stick my head out the window this morning, and I did check the news, and it seems that this neighborhood is under a tornado warning.”
“Oh dear, really? And just your neighborhood, is it?”
“Apparently the conditions here and nowhere else are ‘just right’, they said.”
“My word. Is that why I’m hearing an emergency siren in the distance over the phone?”
“Yes, and seeing how the winds ae blowing everything around and I can see a funnel touching down about five houses away, it’s probably best that I nip down to the crawl space for half a tick.”
“Quite right.”
WEDNESDAY
“Morn-ning! You and the neighborhood still in one piece after the twister?”
“Oh good morning; quite all right, thank you – the mailbox was a little stirred up, but fortunately the cyclone continued down the middle of the street and disintegrated after making its point, so all’s well that ends well, and all that.”’
“Jolly good. So, I’ll come over this morning as per usual then, shall I?”
“If you like, but I don’t mind if you’d prefer dashing off to the beach again.”
“Thanks, but not likely, seeing as it’s 28°F out.”
“Yes, but you’ve gotten me into checking the weather all the time now, and the reliably accurate prediction is that it’ll hit 100°F by noon.”
“Oh. Today?”
“Indeed. Why, in the single minute we’ve been talking, the thermometer has jumped to 45°F.”
“…So it has. Well, I’m still coming over – maybe pass on the tea, though.”
“I fail to grasp the connection.”
THURSDAY
“Morn-ning!”
“Good morning! After you’re all settled, I’ll need your help on a project today.”
“Ooh, sounds fun, what is it?”
“Taping all the windows before the hurricane hits.”
“So it’s definite that it’s going to hit this area?”
“As of this moment; since you insisted on still coming over today, I hope you brought your overnight bag again, seeing as the storm drains are expected to flood and the winds are expected to knock down everything.”
“I didn’t, but I suppose I can always row home, right?”
“I’d rather you didn’t.”
FRIDAY
“Morn-ning!”
“Good morning! All safe and snug at home, then?”
“Indeed I am! Thank goodness the hurricane turned out to be only a mild torrential downpour instead – that, I can handle.”
“Yes, we’re all grateful, and I hope you’re not planning to come over today, either.”
“Well, just have to dig out the old bucket of bolts from the eight feet of snow we got overnight, so it might take me a bit longer than usual but other than that, I’ll be there.”
“Please don’t: I heard that the roads are a giant wall of mush right now, and if you wait it’ll all have melted away again when it hits 105°F tomorrow.”
“Right you are then, thanks. Funny way to observe the first day of spring, isn’t it?”
“Quite.”