Story 597: We Interrupt This Work Meeting With Family Chaos

             (At a video conference, each attendee’s computer screen is filled with tiles of everyone seated at their remote work stations, all of them at home but each with a background of a generic corporate wall, fake shelves stuffed with fake books, or the beach)

Manager: Hi everyone, sorry for the last-minute meeting today but I just got word from the higher-ups that the project we originally were told was due in six months is now due on Monday.  (Five faces stare back blankly) I would say this is an unbelievable shock, but we all know by now that it’s neither and we really should have seen it coming, so that’s on me.

Coworker 1: Don’t blame yourself: we’re all pretty much used to always-moving deadlines; we’re just stubbornly caught off-guard in resentment every time, that’s all.

Manager: Thanks.

Coworker 2: So when they said “Monday”, did they mean this Monday or some hypothetical Monday in a possible future that may or may not happen?

Manager: …This Monday.

Coworker 2: Drat – thought maybe there was a loophole we could wiggle through.  I withdraw the question.

Manager: You can’t withdraw it if I already answered it.

Coworker 2: Drat.

Coworker 3: (Raises a hand) Does this mean we have to work overtime for the rest of the week?

Manager: This isn’t school so you don’t have to raise your hand, and yes, that’s one of the things I wanted to bring up today: overtime until everything is finished.

Coworker 4: But that’s still cramming hundreds of hours of work into the remaining dozens of hours left in the next few days – it’s physically impossible!

Manager: That’s another of the things I wanted to bring up today: does anyone here have any experience with manipulating time dilation to our advantage? 

(There is a crash from the background of Coworker 5’s screen)

Coworker 5: (Looks off-screen sharply) HEY!  WHAT IS THIS?!  (Muffled voices are heard) I’M COMING OUT THERE NOW!  (Back to the group) So sorry, I have to take care of something real quick, I’m gonna mute the microphone and turn off the camera, be right back, thanks-bye!  (Is seen clicking the mouse a few times and then standing up and running away)

Manager: OK, but your camera’s still –

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) ALL RIGHT, WHAT DID I SAY?!  WHAT DID I SAY??!!

Manager: I think the speaker got turned off instead of the microphone.  Anyway, we’ll keep going: right now, I’d like us all to take a collective breath before doing a deep dive into the numbers pool –

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TWO??!!... GET THAT THING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!

Off-Screen Voice 1: I DIDN’T START IT!

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) WELL WHO DID?!... DON’T POINT AT EACH OTHER!

Off-Screen Voice 2: SHE’S TOUCHING MY HAIR!

Off-Screen Voice 1: HE’S BREATHING ON ME!

Off-Screen Voice 2: I HATE YOU!

Off-Screen Voice 1: I HATE YOU MORE!

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) I HATE YOU BOTH EQUALLY RIGHT NOW!

Off-Screen Voices 1 and 2: [GASP!]

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) GOOD, NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION, YOU BETTER KNOCK IT OFF THIS INSTANT OR THERE’LL BE NO WATERPARK NEXT WEEK!

Off-Screen Voices 1 and 2: [GASP!]

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT – NOT SO FUN NOW, IS IT?!... WELL??!!

Off-Screen Voice 1: …I DIDN’T START IT!

Off-Screen Voice 2: WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE SO ANNOYING?!

Off-Screen Voice 1: AM NOT!

Off-Screen Voice 2: AM TOO!

Off-Screen Voice 1: I’M GONNA BREAK ALL YOUR TOYS!

Off-Screen Voice 2: NOT IF I BREAK ALL YOURS FIRST!

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) THAT’S IT!!!  (Sounds of footsteps and then two separate doors being slammed shut) NOT ANOTHER WORD OUT OF EITHER ONE OF YOU!  I’LL LET YOU OUT AT DINNER TIME, SO SPEND THE REST OF THIS LOVELY SUMMER AFTERNOON THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU DID!  NOW, I’M GOING BACK TO A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING, AND YOU BETTER NOT GIVE ME ANY MORE STRESS TODAY OR ELSE I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT!  I’LL!  DO!!!  (Footsteps as Coworker 5 calmly returns to the desk, takes a slow breath, smoothes back hair, checks the meeting controls, and widens eyes in realization; to the group) Ummm… was my microphone actually on this whole time?

Manager: (Finishes eating popcorn) Oh yeah.  I tried calling your cell phone at the beginning but it went to voicemail.

Coworker 5: (Slowly slumps in the chair) Oh… no.… I just got myself fired, didn’t I.

Manager: Nah – we still need you for the horrendous project, and you and your kids made that seem not so bad anymore.

Coworker 5: …My pleasure.

Story 504: Obligation Pile-Up

“Don’t forget you have to pick up the kids after soccer practice tonight.”

“Oh shoot, I already did forget – what time is that?”

“7:00.”

“Shoot, I’m supposed to be on a teleconference for work at 7:00.”

“Why?”

“They want us to work all hours, what do I know?”

“Well, your children will be waiting for you at 7:00.”

“They’re your children too; can’t you pick them up tonight?”

“…I’m still out of the country settling my parents’ estate!”

“Oh right.  That’s still going on?”

“Good-bye.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

             “Ready for the conference on Thursday?  It’ll be fun to go to the casino afterward, if I don’t fall asleep in the hotel room first.”

“Wait a minute, that’s this Thursday?!”

“Yes, it’s been this Thursday since it was booked last year.”

“Oh no, I thought it was next week!  I told my friend I’d babysit that night, I even wrote it on the calendar, what-am-I-gonna-dooooooo?????”

“You thought to write babysitting on the calendar but not a work conference?”

“Babysitting was a higher priority!  What-am-I-gonna-dooooooo?????!!!!!”

“I dunno, take the kid with you?”

“I – hey, that’s not a bad idea.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Hey, I got the tickets all ready for the show on Friday – I saved them to my phone AND printed copies, so one of them’s bound to work.”

“Right, about the show: could you pick me up at the boardwalk on your way to the theater?”

“Aaaand, why would I be picking you up there instead of at home?”

“I may have agreed to work a shift at the arcade that ends at 7:30 that night.”

“The show starts at 8!”

“…Plenty of time.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “So, I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year and was wondering if you could bring some dessert like cookies or a sheet cake or a chocolate fondue assortment – you know, nothing major.”

“Wait a minute, you’re hosting Thanksgiving this year?  Didn’t you tell me a while ago that you’re defending your doctoral thesis that week?”

“What’s your point?”

“How are you going to prepare all the food when you’re simultaneously preparing your oral defense?!”

“Despite everyone’s insistence to the contrary, I’ve personally found sleep to be highly overrated.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“Wanna meet up for dinner this Saturday?”

“Can’t – got the kids’ karate tournament.  What about Sunday?”

“Can’t – got my cousin’s graduation party.  What about next Saturday?”

“Can’t – gotta stay with my grandmother that night while everyone else goes to a wedding.  What about next Sunday?”

“Can’t – gotta work that night for a group project that’s due that Monday, and we all have to wait until that date for stuff to be processed `cause it’s on a schedule.  What about the following Saturday?”

“Can’t – we’ll be in the mountains getting away from it all.  What about the following following Saturday?”

“Can’t – we’ll be at the shore getting away from it all.  What about – ?”

“Gonna cut you off right there and say ‘Can’t’ – how about a weeknight instead?”

“Mondays to Thursdays are permanently booked with sports practice, band practice, and/or clubs for all ages, and Fridays are the only nights where we can actually take a breath but I can make an exception this one time.”

“Forget it – Fridays are the only nights we can take a breath, too.”

Story 497: First Day of Summer (for Adults)

 (In Manager’s office)

Manager: (Reviewing a large pile of paper with a red pencil; stops drawing strikethroughs and slowly looks up to stare into the middle distance) This really is all pointless….

Employee: (Startles Manager out of reverie by popping around the open door and giving it a cursory knock) Hey-Boss-you-got-a-minute?

Manager: (Shoves papers aside and gestures to a chair in front of the desk) Of course, have a seat – and you know you don’t need to call me “Boss,” right?

Employee: (Sits quickly) Yeah-yeah, sure-sure – listen, I was wondering if I could have the rest of the day off today, hm?

Manager: Why, are you feeling sick?

Employee: Of this place, yes.

Manager: Don’t… tell me that.

Employee: Sorry, it’s just that – you know what today is?

Manager: Wednesday.

Employee: Deeper than that.

Manager: …Burger Day in the cafeteria?

Employee: No, not – ooh, I should order one next time – no, I mean today’s the day.  (Manager stares blankly) The First Day of Summer.

Manager: Oh.  Right.  Great.  (They stare at each other some more)  So what?

Employee: Sooo, this used to be one of the top days of the year when I was a kid, and now it’s nothing!

Manager: No it isn’t; it’s Burger Day.

Employee: Deliciously flavored cow parts, vegetables, and bread are poor substitutes for the utter bliss that The First Day of Summer formerly entailed, and I would like to spend the rest of it this year reclaiming that joy, please.

Manager: All right, you’ve got my interest: how so?

Employee: You know!  Riding bikes throughout the countryside!  Swimming in all the pools!  Shooting hoops until midnight!  Running down the middle of an empty residential street screaming at the top of our lungs that SCHOOL!  IS!  OUT!!!!

Manager: Wow.  What an obnoxious child you must have been.

Employee: Probably, but who cared back then?!  I didn’t!

Manager: Clearly.  So, what, you want to leave here and make a public nuisance of yourself to celebrate your so-called freedom from a school you no longer have to attend, is that it?

Employee: Pretty much, yeah.

Manager: Whelp, we’ve got nothing urgent scheduled for the rest of the day, so go ahead and knock off three hours of vacation you’ll never get back this fiscal year.

Employee: (Quietly fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you!

Manager: (Briefly checks cell phone) I’m almost tempted to say “Take me with you,” but you realize the downpour that started last night hasn’t stopped for a moment and isn’t predicted to until at least next month, yes?

Employee: (Stands) No matter – the spirit of eternal youth will endure in the face of all obstacles.  Farewell!  (Skips out the door humming the tune of “No more pencils/ No more books”)

Manager: (Stares down at the red pencil and pile of papers) I must be doing something wrong with my life.

(Outside the office building, Employee bursts through the main doors and stops to breathe in the fresh air)

Employee: Aaaaaaahhhhh…. Freedom from time.  (Skips past the overhang and is immediately drenched but never falters)

(At a recreation center, Receptionist looks up from a textbook as Employee, now dressed in a bathing suit and carrying a soaking wet towel, saunters into the lobby)

Employee: Hello there – I would like to utilize the ginormous public pool on this First Day of Summer, please.

Receptionist: Pool’s 50° Fahrenheit right now and it’s continuously overflowing with the pouring rain out there.

Employee: And your point is?

Receptionist: City didn’t want to pay a lifeguard when there’s an outdoor shower going on.

Employee: Very well, then: onward to bigger and better!  (Saunters out)

Receptionist: (Shakes head and returns to homework) Kids these days.

(On a residential street, a car backing down a driveway suddenly slams on the brakes as Employee, still wearing the bathing suit, splashes by on a bicycle)

Employee: Wheeeeeeee!!!!!!

Driver: (Opens the window and leans out to yell) Nuts – ! (Is drenched and sputters) Aw, nuts!

Employee: (Continuing down the street; pops a wheelie) I’m flyin’, I’m flyin’, I’m – (Skids into a puddle) oops.  (Struggles to right the bike) All right, then – no hands!   (Releases the handlebar, balances for two seconds, and nosedives into a hedgerow.  After landing, Employee sits up while spitting out leaves) Totally worth it.

(At an outdoor basketball court, passersby carrying umbrellas briefly slow down to stare at Employee, now wearing a T-shirt and shorts, playing a one-person game of HORSE)

Employee: (Spins around several times and tries for a three-point shot; the ball bounces off the rim) Aaaaand nothing but net!  They could go all the way to the championship this year, folks!  (Retrieves the ball, does some fancy dribbles, and shoots again; the ball sails over the backboard and bounces off the fence) Yes!  They win the pennant for the 50^th season in a row!  (Stands with hands on hips in satisfaction as the rain cascades all around) I could go for some ice cream right about now.

 THE NEXT MORNING

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (Reading aloud while typing a report) “And so, in conclusion, the point is, at the end of all things” – (Stops typing) Why I am saying the same thing over and over?

Employee: (Bursts into the room with a cursory knock again; Manager jumps slightly in chair) Hey-hey-hey, Boss!  Mind if I come in?

Manager: (Still recovering from the jump-scare) Yeah, sure, have a seat.  (Employee slides into the same chair as on the previous day) I’m surprised with your hours in the rain you don’t have all the colds for the year.

Employee: Heh-heh, that’s a myth – I feel great!

Manager: Great.  So, did you enjoy your summer vacation on the company’s dime?

Employee: (With a serene smile) Well, it was only a third of a day celebrating The First Day of Summer, but yes, yes I did.  Eternal Youth in Eternal Summer lives on for another day.

Manager: Fantastic: we have back-to-back meetings with Corporate for the rest of the week and I don’t think they’re happy with our performance this quarter so it’s very likely there’ll be no raises again this year.

Employee: (Serene smile freezes) …I’ll be on the boardwalk if you need me.