Story 497: First Day of Summer (for Adults)

 (In Manager’s office)

Manager: (Reviewing a large pile of paper with a red pencil; stops drawing strikethroughs and slowly looks up to stare into the middle distance) This really is all pointless….

Employee: (Startles Manager out of reverie by popping around the open door and giving it a cursory knock) Hey-Boss-you-got-a-minute?

Manager: (Shoves papers aside and gestures to a chair in front of the desk) Of course, have a seat – and you know you don’t need to call me “Boss,” right?

Employee: (Sits quickly) Yeah-yeah, sure-sure – listen, I was wondering if I could have the rest of the day off today, hm?

Manager: Why, are you feeling sick?

Employee: Of this place, yes.

Manager: Don’t… tell me that.

Employee: Sorry, it’s just that – you know what today is?

Manager: Wednesday.

Employee: Deeper than that.

Manager: …Burger Day in the cafeteria?

Employee: No, not – ooh, I should order one next time – no, I mean today’s the day.  (Manager stares blankly) The First Day of Summer.

Manager: Oh.  Right.  Great.  (They stare at each other some more)  So what?

Employee: Sooo, this used to be one of the top days of the year when I was a kid, and now it’s nothing!

Manager: No it isn’t; it’s Burger Day.

Employee: Deliciously flavored cow parts, vegetables, and bread are poor substitutes for the utter bliss that The First Day of Summer formerly entailed, and I would like to spend the rest of it this year reclaiming that joy, please.

Manager: All right, you’ve got my interest: how so?

Employee: You know!  Riding bikes throughout the countryside!  Swimming in all the pools!  Shooting hoops until midnight!  Running down the middle of an empty residential street screaming at the top of our lungs that SCHOOL!  IS!  OUT!!!!

Manager: Wow.  What an obnoxious child you must have been.

Employee: Probably, but who cared back then?!  I didn’t!

Manager: Clearly.  So, what, you want to leave here and make a public nuisance of yourself to celebrate your so-called freedom from a school you no longer have to attend, is that it?

Employee: Pretty much, yeah.

Manager: Whelp, we’ve got nothing urgent scheduled for the rest of the day, so go ahead and knock off three hours of vacation you’ll never get back this fiscal year.

Employee: (Quietly fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you!

Manager: (Briefly checks cell phone) I’m almost tempted to say “Take me with you,” but you realize the downpour that started last night hasn’t stopped for a moment and isn’t predicted to until at least next month, yes?

Employee: (Stands) No matter – the spirit of eternal youth will endure in the face of all obstacles.  Farewell!  (Skips out the door humming the tune of “No more pencils/ No more books”)

Manager: (Stares down at the red pencil and pile of papers) I must be doing something wrong with my life.

(Outside the office building, Employee bursts through the main doors and stops to breathe in the fresh air)

Employee: Aaaaaaahhhhh…. Freedom from time.  (Skips past the overhang and is immediately drenched but never falters)

(At a recreation center, Receptionist looks up from a textbook as Employee, now dressed in a bathing suit and carrying a soaking wet towel, saunters into the lobby)

Employee: Hello there – I would like to utilize the ginormous public pool on this First Day of Summer, please.

Receptionist: Pool’s 50° Fahrenheit right now and it’s continuously overflowing with the pouring rain out there.

Employee: And your point is?

Receptionist: City didn’t want to pay a lifeguard when there’s an outdoor shower going on.

Employee: Very well, then: onward to bigger and better!  (Saunters out)

Receptionist: (Shakes head and returns to homework) Kids these days.

(On a residential street, a car backing down a driveway suddenly slams on the brakes as Employee, still wearing the bathing suit, splashes by on a bicycle)

Employee: Wheeeeeeee!!!!!!

Driver: (Opens the window and leans out to yell) Nuts – ! (Is drenched and sputters) Aw, nuts!

Employee: (Continuing down the street; pops a wheelie) I’m flyin’, I’m flyin’, I’m – (Skids into a puddle) oops.  (Struggles to right the bike) All right, then – no hands!   (Releases the handlebar, balances for two seconds, and nosedives into a hedgerow.  After landing, Employee sits up while spitting out leaves) Totally worth it.

(At an outdoor basketball court, passersby carrying umbrellas briefly slow down to stare at Employee, now wearing a T-shirt and shorts, playing a one-person game of HORSE)

Employee: (Spins around several times and tries for a three-point shot; the ball bounces off the rim) Aaaaand nothing but net!  They could go all the way to the championship this year, folks!  (Retrieves the ball, does some fancy dribbles, and shoots again; the ball sails over the backboard and bounces off the fence) Yes!  They win the pennant for the 50^th season in a row!  (Stands with hands on hips in satisfaction as the rain cascades all around) I could go for some ice cream right about now.

 THE NEXT MORNING

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (Reading aloud while typing a report) “And so, in conclusion, the point is, at the end of all things” – (Stops typing) Why I am saying the same thing over and over?

Employee: (Bursts into the room with a cursory knock again; Manager jumps slightly in chair) Hey-hey-hey, Boss!  Mind if I come in?

Manager: (Still recovering from the jump-scare) Yeah, sure, have a seat.  (Employee slides into the same chair as on the previous day) I’m surprised with your hours in the rain you don’t have all the colds for the year.

Employee: Heh-heh, that’s a myth – I feel great!

Manager: Great.  So, did you enjoy your summer vacation on the company’s dime?

Employee: (With a serene smile) Well, it was only a third of a day celebrating The First Day of Summer, but yes, yes I did.  Eternal Youth in Eternal Summer lives on for another day.

Manager: Fantastic: we have back-to-back meetings with Corporate for the rest of the week and I don’t think they’re happy with our performance this quarter so it’s very likely there’ll be no raises again this year.

Employee: (Serene smile freezes) …I’ll be on the boardwalk if you need me.

Story 403: Always Read the Details Before Getting on the Ride

 (At an amusement pier at night)

Friend 1: (Slowly spins around in a circle, taking in all the rides, games of chance, and food/drink stands blazing with bright lights and surrounded by one giant noise of joy) Wow, they sure did change things around here since I was a kid – that 360° swinging longboat there used to be a ball pit.

Friend 2: (Slurping a giant lemonade) Heh-heh, gross ball pit – good times.  (Suddenly points) Ooh, there’s that new ride I heard about, the one that’s all the rage with the kids nowadays.

Friend 1: Does that mean I don’t meet the age requirement, then?

Friend 2: (Leads them to a sign at the entrance to the ride) See, there’s not even a height requirement: as long as you have no heart condition, back condition, vertigo condition, fear condition –

Friend 1: (Heads to the end of the line that stretches back to the main boardwalk) Blah, blah, blah – since I know you really want to go on this thing, I’ll endure the hour-long wait for the two-minute thrill.

Friend 2: (Tosses the empty lemonade cup into a garbage can and follows Friend 1) Yesss!!!  Thanks – we’re gonna have a blast!  Although I think I read it only lasts for a minute and a half.

Friend 1: Typical.  (They begin their wait obliviously next to a giant sign with the headline: “WARNING: READ THE NOTICE BELOW FULLY BEFORE BOARDING THIS RIDE!”)

 ONE HOUR LATER

(Having followed the line steadily across the pier and up metal staircases zigzagging into the air akin to the approach to a waterpark slide, Friends 1 and 2 are led by a Ride Attendant to a solo car waiting on the tracks)

Friend 2: Oh boy, I’m getting the anticipation shakes, I haven’t had those in years!

Friend 1: I hate those – they make me feel like I lack self-control.

Ride Attendant: (Gestures for them to enter the car and buckles them in the seat) Arms and legs must remain in the car at all times – (Lowers and secures shoulder restraints over them) hold onto the side handles to steer when needed – (Points to the handles on each side of the car, next to their heads, then points to a large button on the car’s ledge in front of them) deploy the parachute when you reach the end of the track and this button stops flashing – (Points to the beach next to the pier) aim for the target on the giant cushion on the sand when you’re ready to land – (Locks the car’s door) have fun.  (Walks over to the ride’s control panel several feet away)

Friends 1 and 2: (Stare after Ride Attendant, then at each other) PARACHUTE?!

(Ride Attendant hits a button on the panel with one hand and gives them a thumbs-up with the other; the car accelerates to 100 mph in two seconds while Friends 1 and 2 scream)

Ride Attendant: (Dispassionately watches the car shoot away down the track, then turns to watch the next car approach as line-waiters hop in glee) There’s irony in all this somewhere, but I’m too tired with life to go looking for it.

(Friends 1 and 2 continue to scream as the car flies them over, upside down, and around the tracks)

Friend 2: I never knew we actually had to work on this ride!!!

Friend 1: I can’t even follow what you’re saying; nothing else exists for me right now!!!

Friend 2: (Sees the button beginning to flash, then squints ahead in the darkness) The track!  The track is ending!

Friend 1: (Starts to reach for the button) So we hit the button now?!

Friend 2: I think it’s after we’re off the track!

Friend 1: I don’t know, is it after we’re in the air or before we’re in the air?!

Friend 2: I don’t know anything anymore!

(The button flashes faster and then turns a solid light; Friends 1 and 2 slam their hands down on it as the car flies off the track and the parachute deploys.  They each grab a side handle and glide through the night air over the beach)

Friend 1: (Peers over at the sea in the distance) I think I see a cruise ship way out there – want to try landing this thing on the top deck for the midnight buffet?

Friend 2: I’m trying not to throw up right now.

Friend 1: (As they continue to glide over the quiet beach with a cool breeze gently flowing over them) You know, if my body wasn’t about to shake itself apart, this would almost be peaceful.

(They and a seagull nearly crash into each other)

Friends 1 and 2: Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!

Seagull: Hey, watch it!  Tourists.  (Flies away in a huff)

Friend 1: I didn’t hear that if you didn’t.

Friend 2: (Points to the beach with a non-steering hand) Look!  There’s the target!

Friend 1: Great, `cause I think we’re starting to lose both altitude and momentum.

(Each starts pulling on their respective handle)

Friend 2: Wait, I think you pull yours that way and I pull mine this way –

Friend 1: No, that’s taking us too far over; I should pull this way and you should pull that way – (The car continues to descend, not quite over where the target cushion is located)

Friend 2: We’re zigzagging all over the place!  What happens if we don’t land on the cushion?!

Friend 1: Hope it’s fast?

Friend 2: You are no help at all!  Just keep pull – whoa!

(A figure on the ground had raised a ginormous magnet that captures the car and steadily guides it to the target cushion; the car lands with a gentle thump)

Ride Lander: (Tosses away the magnet and walks over to the car) Are you both conscious?

Friend 1: No, my brain flew off into the stratosphere somewhere back there, but thanks for asking.

Friend 2: We’re fine, thank you.

Friend 1: (To Friend 2) Define “fine”!

Ride Lander: (Unlocks the car, lifts up the shoulder restraints, unbuckles the seat belt, and begins stowing the parachute back into its compartment while Friends 1 and 2 fall out of the car; a crew waits nearby to load it onto a large trailer with other ride cars to drive them back to the pier) Report to the First Aid station if there are any injuries; your purchase of the ride tickets constitute as liability waivers; follow the lighted path to return to the pier; enjoy the rest of your night.  (Lifts the ginormous magnet to tractor beam the next car in for a landing as screams fill the air)

(Friends 1 and 2 shakily walk on the path back to the pier)

Friend 1: Just when you thought all the ideas for thrill rides had been used up, some sadistic monster conjures up a new one.

Friend 2: You’re telling me – I used to think that slingshot roller coaster was the ultimate, but I’m constantly proven wrong.

Friend 1: Yeah.  We only got to do that one ride tonight and I’m done, for everything.

Friend 2: Same here.  (They walk in silence for a few moments) Wanna get some ice cream?

Friend 1: YES.

Story 351: Don’t Let a Slight Monster Invasion Ruin Your Vacation

         (A bus stops at the corner of an intersection in a shore town; among the passengers disembarking is Tourist, dragging a rolling suitcase.  Standing on the sidewalk across from the beach, Tourist takes a huge breath and sighs loudly)

            Tourist: At last – peace is mine.

        (Tourist checks into a nearby motel, unpacks, changes into a bathing suit, and immediately dives into the crowded pool)

            Guests: (In the pool and on the surrounding deck, all now drenched) Hey!

            Tourist: Sorry!  But we are all here to get wet, are we not?

            Lifeguard: Roughhouser.

          (Tourist dog paddles around for a minute, then sits on the edge of the pool steps for half an hour)

           Tourist: (Watches as a volleyball game somehow fits in the pool) Yep, can’t get any better than this.  (Sips a soft drink from the poolside bar)

            (A giant shadow falls over the land; everyone looks up to see the Sun momentarily blocked)

            Guest 1: Is that a bird?

            Guest 2: Silly, no bird is that big!  Looks more like a butterfly.

            (As the shadow passes, a loud roar is heard that shakes the ground and buildings)

            Tourist: (Watches the rippling pool waves).  Interesting.  Is it migration season now?

          Lifeguard: (Reads a cell phone text) OK, listen up: a state of emergency’s been declared, so everybody outta the pool!  (Everybody groans)

            Guest 3: Already?  We saw that thing literally two seconds ago!

     Lifeguard: (Points to the sky in horror) But now there’s them – RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!  (Vaults over the pool deck and flees down the street)

          (Guests look up and simultaneously scream as they see the flock of giant butterflies roaring across the sky, following the same path into town as their leader.  Everyone grabs as much of their things as they can, sliding across the wet ground as they tumble off the pool deck and back to their rooms for en masse check-out)

            Tourist: (Seeing that Guests and the flying flock are all gone, hauls off the pool steps and back to the diving board) That worked out nicely – now where was I?  (Repeatedly cannonballs into the pool)

            (Later that afternoon, Tourist drags a chair and gear across the street to the beach entrance)

           Tourist: (Peers into the empty beach tag station, looks around, then tosses $6 into the booth) Least I know I did the right thing.  (Sets up the chair, an umbrella, and a radio on the nearly empty beach and settles in to read a trashy novel.  The waves gradually become choppier, faint screams are heard in the distance, and the few people on the beach become more panicky as they noisily pack their gear; Tourist turns up the radio without looking up from the book)

            Beachgoer: (Runs to Tourist while carrying an umbrella) Hey – you might want to pack it up, that thing’s gonna be here any minute!

            Tourist: (Finally looks up) What thing – the beach cleaner?

            Beachgoer: No – that!  (Points out to the ocean, where a giant mutated salamander is making its way to the shore)

           Tourist: Oh, that?  Let’s see now – (Pulls out a calculator and begins typing) judging by its estimated mass and acceleration, its velocity then would be reduced by the tidal force and – (Licks finger, holds it up in the air, and nods) wind drag, along with its approach opposite to the Earth’s rotation, I’d say we have a good – (Hits “=” on the calculator) 8.17 minutes before it makes landfall.  (Looks back at Beachgoer) But thanks for the heads-up!  (Returns to the novel)

            Beachgoer: Nutter.  (Runs away screaming)

          Tourist: (Notices that the ocean is receding steadily; sighs in annoyance and begins to pack up.  To the creature) If you’re going to take the waves with you then there’s no point to this whole thing, now is there?!  (Sulks back to the nearly empty motel)

            (That evening, Tourist is on the room’s telephone as a mini-tidal wave gently laps at the first-floor windows)

           Tourist: What do you mean, the restaurant had to unexpectedly close – you guys never close!... Yes, I understand that a multi-headed creature who keeps growing more heads as others are chopped off is there, but really, if they were bringing such a large party then they should follow the same rules as everyone else and make a reservation!... Hello?

            (Later that night, Tourist strolls on a boardwalk as people occasionally run past in the opposite direction, screaming)

           Tourist: (Shakes head) The crowds certainly are rowdier this year.   (Stops at the entrance of an amusement pier and see the giant mutated salamander is at the other end, tearing through the rides and eating them)  Ugh!  And I was finally going to ride the Ferris wheel here, you jerk!  (Police and military arrive to do battle with the creature) A bit late, but thanks anyway!

            (Down a side street, Tourist finds a lone ice cream parlor still open)

            Tourist: (To Cashier) Hi, just a raspberry ice, please – you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get any kind of summer vacation experience here tonight!

           Cashier: (Ducks when hearing large flapping sounds and roaring overheard while handing over the ice) Yeah, the owner said we could stay open if we want: I need the tips for my college fund.

           Tourist: Ah yes, I remember those days.  (Hands over some bills and winks) Keep the change!  (Begins eating the ice while breezing out through the exit)

            Cashier: (Sees the change is 57¢) …Thanks?

            (Tourist finds a bench facing the slightly calmer ocean and settles down to finish the ice while several giant creatures fling around the abandoned cars that are jamming up the streets)

           Tourist: (Turns around slightly at the noise of crashing metal and honking horns) Hm – is there a parade scheduled for tonight?  (Hears a roar, turns back to the ocean, and sees a dragon lighting up the sky) Oooh, fireworks, I almost forgot!  (Tosses the empty ice cup into a nearby trash can and stretches across the back of the bench to watch the fire blaze across the sky and listen to the cacophony in the background) Aaaaahhhh, it’s so great just to get away from it all.