Story 646: The Back-up House Sitter

 FRIDAY 

(On the living room floor in house, Sibling 2 is rolling up clothes into teeny-tiny balls and shoving as many of them as possible into an average-sized suitcase)

Sibling 2: (Using entire body to push the giant pile into all available spaces and then shove the cover down on top) C’mon…. (Quickly zips up the bulging suitcase) Yes!  Ha!  (Suddenly sees a toiletry bag and a pair of dress shoes that were on the floor just out-of-sight) Dangit!  (Starts unzipping the suitcase, then stops to check a text message alert, eyes widening while reading) Oh no – oh no – oh no-no-no-no-no – (Interrupted by the phone ringing, Sibling 2 hesitates slightly before answering it) Hiiiii – oh, there they go.  (Stares at the clothes balls that escaped from the suitcase)

Sibling 1: (Reclined on a couch in an apartment, watching TV and eating potato chips) Huh?

Sibling 2: Never mind – what’s up?

Sibling 1: Not much, just wondering if you’re not busy this weekend and wanted to hang out.

Sibling 2: (Props phone onto shoulder against ear to shove clothes back into the suitcase) Ha-ha, you’re hilarious.

Sibling 1: (Chews) Naw, I mean it – I’m actually off on Saturday and got nothing planned, so you wanna go out to the arcade or the movies or something?

Sibling 2: (Freezes in disbelief) Are you serious right now?!

Sibling 1: (Dumps the rest of the bag’s contents into mouth) Of course.  Nothing different than what we normally do, though it is a little last-minute, sorry.

Sibling 2: (Slowly stands and speaks with control) Tomorrow, you’re driving me to the airport for me to get to the cruise ship.  For my vacation, that I’ve been planning for over a year.

Sibling 1: (Freezes mid-chew, then swallows) That’s tomorrow?

Sibling 2: YES!

Sibling 1: Guess that’s why I’m off from work then, huh.

Sibling 2: I guess so!

Sibling 1: Ah jeez, I thought it was next month, you know, since it’s an end-of-summer vacation and all that.

Sibling 2: This week is the end of summer!  Unofficially.

Sibling 1: (Leans very far back over an arm of the couch to peer at a wall calendar in the kitchen, then returns to reclining) Oh yeah – time flies.

Sibling 2: You know, I would say “Unbelievable”, but knowing you, it is believable, and I think the word I’m really looking for is “Typical”.

Sibling 1: (Rips open a bag of popcorn and starts working on that) Whelp, no harm, no foul: now it’s ingrained in my mind to pick you up for the airport run tomorrow – 3 p.m., right?

Sibling 2: (Sighs in relief) Yes, thank you, I do appreciate it.  I’d drive myself if the parking fees didn’t cost almost as much as the flight.

Sibling 1: Yeah – I’d even fly you myself if my pilot’s license hadn’t been revoked.  [Crunch-crunch]

Sibling 2: (Resumes struggling with the suitcase) I don’t even wanna go there.  This trip is costing me a fortune just getting there and back, so I hope it’s worth it.

Sibling 1: Well, I’m glad you’re finally going on this trip; you’ve been wanting to go for years.

Sibling 2: Yeah, I kept letting things get in the way, and then one day I realized I’m not getting any younger and there’ll eventually be a point where I can’t go on trips like this anymore, so I’d better stop putting it off, you know?

Sibling 1: Definitely!  We’re all born with a ticking clock: we just don’t know when it’ll wind down, or if something’ll smash it instead.

Sibling 2: That’s… profoundly disturbing.

Sibling 1: OR: disturbingly profound.

Sibling 2: OK, enough of that: the point is, with the plane costs and the hotel costs and the cruise costs and the excursion costs and all the other costs along the way, I gotta save where I can, although the house sitting part was an unexpected add-on I almost forgot about, and now I just got a message with a last-minute cancellation and I’ve gotta scramble to find someone else.  (Shoves shoes into the suitcase toe-first)

Sibling 1: Hold on: “house sitting”?  (Slurps a drink through a straw)

Sibling 2: Yeah, since I’m gonna be away for over a week, I got some service to take care of the lawn and the plants and make sure the place doesn’t get robbed and all that.  At least I did, up until right before you called about five minutes ago.  (Sits on the closed suitcase to zip it up again)

Sibling 1: (Sits up with a furrowed brow) And you’re paying someone to do that?!

Sibling 2: (Stops zipping) Yes…?

Sibling 1: Dude!  Why?!  I’d do it for you for free!

Sibling 2: (Fidgets with the zipper) Uh, well, I didn’t want to ask, I know you’re busy –

Sibling 1: Not too busy for my own flesh and blood!  And outside of work, I’m really not busy, ever.

Sibling 2: (Fidgeting with the suitcase locks) Well, that’s OK, you’re already doing the airport bit, I didn’t want to bother you with the house too, or bother Mom and Dad, either.

Sibling 1: (Stands and paces in excitement) Nonsense!  It’ll be a vacation for me also, away from the mundanity of my humdrum life!  Just give me a list of what you were gonna have the other folks do and I’ll take care of everything!  Ooh, this’ll be so much fun!

Sibling 2: Uh, I don’t know….

Sibling 1: (Stops pacing) What, you don’t think I can handle it?

Sibling 2: Well, frankly, you didn’t even remember I was going away tomorrow when you are the one taking me there!

Sibling 1: (Waves a hand dismissively) Oh, that – I remembered in general, I just lost track of the specifics.  Now, it’s all settled: get your money back for getting cancelled on, put it toward souvenirs for yourself, and write up what you want me to do at the house and make sure there’s enough dessert that I can get to and I’ll handle the rest, all right, OK, byeeeeeee!!!!  (Ends the call, skips to the bedroom, and throws clothes into an overnight bag)

Sibling 2: (Tosses the phone onto the rug and slumps off the suitcase) I may regret this. 

SATURDAY 

(At an airport drop-off lane for departures, Sibling 1 forces Sibling 2’s car into a space between a giant truck and a giant van)

Sibling 1: (Gets out of the driver side and stares at a plane taking off while Sibling 2 dashes out of the passenger side to grab the bursting suitcase and a carry-on bag from the trunk) You ever wonder why it’s called an “airport” and not an “airplane port”?

Sibling 2: (Pauses briefly while hoisting out the suitcase) What?

Sibling 1: I mean, there’s “train station”; why not “airplane station”?  We’re not flying, the planes are.  And it sounds like it’s a port made up of air rather than a port to the air.

Sibling 2: (Slams the trunk door shut) Yeah, I’m not gonna miss this while I’m gone.  You’ll be OK getting home?

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, it’s just rush hour on the turnpike – I tune that all out.

Sibling 2: Thought so.  (They hug, then Sibling 2 starts heading over to one of the entrance doors) I’ll let you know when I get there!

Sibling 1: Thanks!  Have a great time!  And don’t worry about a thing here while you’re gone!  (Waves at Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: (Waves back with a grimace) Thanks!  (Turns away and mutters) I’ll try not to.

(On the line for Security, Sibling 2 is almost up to the screening section when the cell phone rings)

Sibling 2: (Answering the call; in a low voice) Hi, everything OK?  You back at the house yet?

Sibling 1: (On the phone at Sibling 2’s front door) Yeah, everything’s fine – just wondering where you leave your house key?

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes in exasperation) I gave you a house key years ago.

Sibling 1: Hm?  Oh yeah, that’s… somewhere, so I’m looking for the key you leave here, like under a fake rock or a fake tree or something like that.

Sibling 2: (Grinding teeth) I never leave a key under a fake anything.

Sibling 1: Got it.  You didn’t board yet, right?

Sibling 2: No…?!

Sibling 1: Great – I’ll pop back over there in about an hour and you can just toss the key you used earlier over the security rope –

Sibling 2: (Extremely calm) Go to Mom and Dad and get their key, OK?

Sibling 1: Eh, I don’t want them pitying me.

Sibling 2: I don’t care!

Sibling 1: Well I do.

Sibling 2: You – !

Sibling 1: (Suddenly pulls out a giant ring of keys from a pants pocket) Oh, wait, never mind, key’s right here, forgot I had this whole thing.

Sibling 2: (Grinding teeth again) Are you sure?

Sibling 1: You bet!  (Props phone on shoulder against ear and starts flipping through the many keys, one by one) It’s alllllll under control….

Sibling 2: Good.  Good-bye.  (Ends the call, then turns to a security agent at a counter) House-sitting family member.

Security Agent: You have my sympathies. 

SUNDAY 

(Text messages)                                                         

                                                                                    Sibling 2:

                                                                                    1:30 a.m.

                                                                                    I landed!

Sibling 1:

1:30 a.m.

Great!

                                                                                    1:31 a.m.

                                                                                    Sorry if I woke you!

1:31 a.m.

Nope, I’m up!

                                                                                    Have a good night, then!

1:32 a.m.

Hah, you mean morning, don’t you? LOL                

                                                                                    1:32 a.m.

                                                                                    I have no idea what time it is

                                                                                    right now

            1:33 a.m.

Know the feeling. Sleep well, and have fun!

                                                                                    1:33 a.m.

                                                                                    Thanks!

                                                                                   

                                                                                    9:45 a.m.

                                                                                    Almost forgot – did you set

                                                                                    the alarm before you went to bed?

 

                                                                                    9:46 a.m.

                                                                                    You awake?

            9:47 a.m.

            ….

                                                                                                9:48 a.m.

                                                                                                Are you OK?

            9:48 a.m.

            K        

                                                                                                9:49 a.m.

                                                                                                Read my earlier message again 

                                                                                                when you’re fully conscious – I’m 

                                                                                                off to dinner, bye!

            10:10 a.m.

            K

 MONDAY 

(Sibling 2 is on an upper deck of a cruise ship as it slowly leaves port at the start of the voyage, leaning on a railing while taking in the view, and then the dials Sibling 1 for a video call)

Sibling 2: Hi!  Sorry, are you at work?

Sibling 1: (Holding the phone extremely close up) Not until tonight!  Where are you now?

Sibling 2: We’re off!  (Pans the phone around to show the receding shoreline and the open sea)

Sibling 1: Wow, the water there is so blue!

Sibling 2: (Faces the phone back to self) I know, right?  I’ll take lots of pictures so it’ll almost be like you’re here!

Sibling 1: Great, `cause I’m sure as heck never getting myself out there!

Sibling 2: Heh, yeah.  So, how’s everything at the old homestead?

Sibling 1: (Distractedly) Oh, it’s all good, all good….

Sibling 2: Is anything wrong?

Sibling 1: Oh no, not “wrong”, per se….

Sibling 2: But…?

Sibling 1: Well, while we’re on the subject of water – hypothetically speaking, if there was, say… a leak somewhere –

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and lowers head) Oh no.

Sibling 1: Totally not my hypothetical fault, by the way, but if there was, what kind of person would you call if something like that were to may or may not happen, say?

Sibling 2: (Wearily raises head) A plumber.

Sibling 1: Yes, that’s what I thought – and the number for such a person would be…?

Sibling 2: On the list that’s posted on the fridge.

Sibling 1: Right!  Well, good to know on the off-chance I ever need to call such an individual – which I shouldn’t!  (A towel briefly crosses the screen)

Sibling 2: Just turn the shut-off valve on whatever’s the nearest pipe to the issue and send me the bill later.

Sibling 1: Oh good, thanks – I mean, don’t think about anything here at all, and focus on the great time you’re having on the party ship, bye-bye-bye!  (Ends the call with an off-screen splash)

(Sibling 2 pockets the phone with a sigh and leans head against the railing)

Server: (Holds a tray of glasses out to Sibling 2) Drink?

Sibling 2: (Looks up at Server) No thanks, but right now I wish I did. 

WEDNESDAY 

(On a beach, Sibling 2 stares at the gentle waves from a lounge chair)

Sibling 2: That really is a lot of blue…. (Phone rings; Sibling 2 sits up suddenly and answers) Oh no, what now?

Sibling 1: What, I can’t call just to say “Hi”?

Sibling 2: Not when I’m supposed to be relaxing, and you never call just to say “Hi”.

Sibling 1: True – who does, anyway?

Sibling 2: So, what disaster now?

Sibling 1: Worst case scenario there; I’m only curious where you get your ice cream, that’s all.

Sibling 2: …There was a full gallon in the freezer.

Sibling 1: Yes.  There was.

Sibling 2: I’m sure you’ll figure out how to go on – bye.  (Ends the call and lies back down with eyes closed) I’ll be shocked if there’s any food left in the house by the time I get back. 

FRIDAY 

(Sibling 2 walks through hills of ruins, pondering the ephemerality of life, when the cell phone rings)

Sibling 2: (Sighs) Almost wish I didn’t spring for the international plan and just stayed on radio silence this whole time.  (Answers the phone) Everything OK?

Sibling 1: What makes you think something’s wrong?

Sibling 2: Gee, I don’t know, precedence?!

Sibling 1: OK, you got me there.  Where are you now?

Sibling 2: Surrounded by an ancient city destroyed by time, and at the moment wishing I could join them.

Sibling 1: Hilarious.  Weather there nice?

Sibling 2: Very hot, but there’s a breeze from the sea every so often.

Sibling 1: Oh good: enjoy it.

Sibling 2: That sounds ominous: why?

Sibling 1: Because by my count, back home we’ve had 15 thunderstorms in seven days, 11 of which have flooded pretty much everything.

Sibling 2: The house flooded?!

Sibling 1: What?  Oh no, the house is fine – everything else around here flooded though, including my car.

Sibling 2: What about my car?

Sibling 1: Haven’t touched it – it’s high up the driveway so it should be fine.

Sibling 2: “Haven’t touched”…?  I asked you to take it out around the block by Wednesday!

Sibling 1: What, like out for a walk?

Sibling 2: For a drive, doofus!  I don’t want a dead battery by the time I get back!  It was on the list you told me to give you!

Sibling 1: …Oh right, guess I missed that one.

Sibling 2: It’s OK, just – wait, if it’s been constantly pouring rain like you said, I hope you also ignored the part that said to water the plants every other day?

Sibling 1: …Oh my, I see a neighbor needing their car bailed out on the street, gotta go!  (Ends the call)

Sibling 2: (To the ruins) Can I stay here?  (The phone rings again; Sibling 2 answers) What.

Sibling 1: Almost forgot – reason I called: if, hypothetically speaking, there was an oversight one night where the side gate was left open, about how many furry creatures of varying sizes and temperaments are you comfortable with hanging out in the backyard?  In theory?

Sibling 2: …I’m going back to hanging out with a fallen civilization now – bye.  (Ends the call and pockets the phone, then looks out to the horizon) Sing in me, Muse, of helpless relatives…. 

SATURDAY 

            (Text messages)

                                                                                                Sibling 2:

                                                                                                10:30 p.m.

                                                                                                I landed!

            Sibling 1:

            10:30 p.m.

            Yay!  Glad that all went well and you’re

            back safe and sound!

                                                                                                10:31 p.m.

                                                                                               Yes, thankfully!  So, I should be 

                                                                                               done with Customs and getting 

                                                                                               my luggage in about an hour, so 

                                                                                               I’ll wait where you originally

                                                                                               dropped me off, probably by 

                                                                                               11:30, OK?

            10:32 p.m.

            ….

                                                                                                10:33 p.m.

                                                                                                You forgot you also have to

                                                                                                PICK ME UP FROM 

                                                                                                THE AIRPORT, didn’t you

            10:34 p.m.

            OF COURSE NOT!!!

                                                                                                10:34 p.m.

                                                                                                Uh huh

            10:35 p.m.

            Hypothetically speaking, which airport

                                                                                                10:35 p.m.

                                                                                                I have to deplane now –

                                                                                                check the flight details 

                                                                                                I sent you and I’ll call 

                                                                                                when I’m outside – bye

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER 

(Back at Sibling 2’s house, the suitcase and carry-on bag are tossed aside on the living room floor as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 collapse on opposite ends of the couch)

Sibling 2: I don’t think I’ve ever been so drained after getting away from it all.

Sibling 1: Hm.  But you had a good time, though.

Sibling 2: I had a great time.  I’ll tell you all about it and show you photos when I’ve fully reset from the jet lag.

Sibling 1: Cool.

Sibling 2: And I got you some extra souvenirs for watching the house and driving me to and from the airport and all that.

Sibling 1: Sweet.  You didn’t have to, though.

Sibling 2: Yes I did.

Sibling 1: Well, sorry I turned out not to be the best back-up house sitter, but I managed not to burn the place down, so there’s that.

Sibling 2: That you did… not.  (Sighs in contentment and looks around the living room) After such a nice trip, it’s good to be back.  (Chuckles) Kind of afraid to look at how much mail’s waiting for me, though.

Sibling 1: (Eyes widen) Be right back – forgot something in the car.  (Runs out of the room)

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and smiles as the front door opens and there are noises of scrambling and falling items by the mailbox) Yep – good to be back.

Story 601: Vacation Is Priority

             (In a department store office, Manager is completing an interview with Applicant)

Manager: (Seated at a desk across from Applicant) So, I think that covers everything; you were our last eligible candidate for the position and the others were just awful, so the job’s yours if you want it.

Applicant: Really?  Wow, thanks!  I do, yes – want it, I mean.  Thank you!

Manager: You’re welcome.  Now, I’ll get all the paperwork sent over to you, but in the meantime, I almost forgot: do you have any questions for me?

Applicant: Yes, as a matter of fact; it’s always a touchy one, I’ve noticed.

Manager: Salary?  It’s hourly and abysmal, I’m afraid.

Applicant: (Chuckles and waves dismissively) No, that’s expected; what I want to know about is: (Becomes very serious) vacation.

Manager: What about it?

Applicant: Exactly: what about it?

Manager: You accumulate it over time; what else is there to know?

Applicant: I want precise details: the number of hours each calendar year; how regularly we are allowed to be out; are there certain dates that are completely blocked off; that sort of thing.

Manager: Well, you’ll get a certain number of hours off per hours worked; I’d have to look up what the rates are for your specific position, but do you really need to know now?  You haven’t even clocked in for a shift yet.

Applicant: I know, but my time off is precious to me and I plan my vacations years in advance.

Manager: “Years”?

Applicant: Yes: I had an unexpected job change this year so that throws off my schedule a bit, but I fully intend to take my Antarctica cruise as scheduled in November.

Manager: (Raises an eyebrow) That’s less than three months from now.

Applicant: I’m aware, yes.

Manager: And how long is this cruise to the South Pole going to take?

Applicant: Well, factoring in flights to and from, I’m blocking out two weeks.

Manager: Two weeks in a month that includes Thanksgiving?

Applicant: Oh, I should be back in plenty of time before then – who wants to deal with those crowds at the airport?

Manager: You do realize you work in retail where our busy season starts immediately after Halloween?

Applicant: I’m sure you’ll all be fine without me; and I believe I should have accumulated enough hours by then, provided I work seven days a week for the next few months.

Manager: We don’t pay overtime; and you’d run yourself ragged for months for a few weeks of rushing from airplanes to ships and freezing in an area where there’s practically nothing?

Applicant: I wouldn’t say “nothing”: there’s a surprising amount of wildlife in an area most people write off as a barren wasteland of snow.  I’m extremely looking forward to witnessing actual penguins in their actual habitat, as long as they’re not eaten by leopard seals right in front of my eyes – I don’t think I’d ever get over it.

Manager: (Sighs and starts typing notes into a computer) Fine, since the trip’s already booked we’ll work something out; you’ll probably have to work a long stretch without any vacation days after that to make up for it, though.

Applicant: That’s all right, as long as I can take my next vacation in March, we’re all good.

Manager: (Stops typing to stare at Applicant) What’s in March?

Applicant: Oh, I randomly got in the habit a few years ago where I celebrate the vernal equinox by hiking a chunk of the Appalachian Trail; I know, a lot of people do it around then too, but it’s just so rejuvenating, a great way to welcome spring.  Shouldn’t take me more than a month.

Manager: (Blinks slowly at Applicant) You can take three days.

Applicant: Oh.  But I won’t get very far; probably barely make it out of Georgia before I have to head back.

Manager: (Blinks slowly again) Three days.

Applicant: Oh.  OK.  I’ll cut it short this time, I guess.

Manager: Please do.  (Starts typing again)

Applicant: Actually, my ultimate goal is to hike the entire trail, but that takes about five to seven months so I suppose that’ll have to wait until retirement, heh-heh-heh.

Manager: (Mutters while typing) What retirement.

Applicant: What?

Manager: (Stops typing and looks up) What?

Applicant: Well, anyway, after that I plan to spend the spring and summer tubing across all the major rivers in the country – probably need a bunch of (Does air quotes) “three-day weekends” tacked onto whichever days I’m scheduled off each week here –

Manager: (Turns away from the computer to lean on the desk, facing Applicant) Listen, you really should prioritize actually working here first before you start planning extra time off, hm?  You’ll be in a provisional period in the beginning, so you’ll have to demonstrate that you can do the job before you even start earning the extra hours off here.

Applicant: Oh yeah, no sweat: I just want to make sure that it’s guaranteed I can get away from it all at regular intervals.  If not, that’s a dealbreaker, I’m afraid.

Manager: Strange: those who apply to work here usually are more concerned with – oh, I don’t know – a living wage, health insurance, things like that.

Applicant: (Thinks on this for a moment) I suppose most people are fixated on such minutiae, yes.  Personally, all I need to know is how soon and how often I get my allotted “me time”.

Manager: Life isn’t all about vacation, you know.

Applicant: More’s the pity.

Story 595: Could You Water the Plants While I’m Away?

            (At a department store, Friend 1 is working at the customer service desk)

Customer: What do you mean, you don’t have it?!

Friend 1: Here.  (Swings a computer monitor around to face Customer and points at a line item on a list) See this?  Zero.  As in, zero in store, zero in the warehouses, and I’m pretty certain zero currently exist on this mortal plane.  Can’t reach into the nearest alternate universe and pull out a copy into this one, either.

Customer: Why, you, you’re – so rude!

Friend 1: (Swings the monitor back around) Well, truth hurts.

Customer: Yeah, but you don’t have to be so sarcastic about it!  (Walks away)

Friend 1: (To the monitor) That wasn’t sarcasm, it was impertinence.  (Cell phone in a pants pocket rings; Friend 1 looks around, does not see anyone nearby, and answers the phone after checking the caller ID) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Seated in a terminal gate waiting area in an airport) Oh hey, sorry, are you at work right now?

Friend 1: Yeah but I think I just got myself fired, so how can I help you?

Friend 2: Ohhhh-kaaaay – well, I’m at the airport and we’ll be boarding soon, and I realized I forgot to also ask when you come to the house could you water the plants while I’m away?

Friend 1: (Slow blinks) You lost me at “I’m at the airport”.

Friend 2: Are you kidding me?!  I’m going to the work conference I told you about months ago, and you promised you would check up on the house and pick up the mail while I was gone; you even said it was “NBD”, which should’ve tipped me off immediately that you had no idea what you were agreeing to!

Friend 1: …That was this year?

Friend 2: (Pauses to listen to an announcement) They’re calling my group: I’ll be back Friday night, so just bring in the mail and water the plants unless it rains, please, and maybe I’ll remember to bring back a souvenir for you.

Friend 1: When you say “Water the plants”, about how many and for how long?

Friend 2: (Standing and grabbing a small suitcase to join the line at the gate) All the ones you see, and until they’re wet, bye!  (Ends the call and brings up a boarding pass on the phone, muttering) I’ll be lucky if I have a house left by the time I get back.

Harried Passenger: (Standing in front of Friend 2, turns around) You’re not kidding – leaving the kids in charge is always a recipe for disaster, but you gotta give `em some responsibility or else they’ll never grow up, am-I-right?

Friend 2: …Yeah.

Friend 1: (Brow furrowed in confusion, pockets the cell phone as Manager approaches the desk with Customer) I don’t remember ever seeing plants there…. 

NEXT MORNING 

(Friend 1 arrives at Friend 2’s house, takes the previous day’s mail out of the box, unlocks the front door, and drops the mail onto the kitchen counter)

Friend 1: All right, one part down.  (Walks around several rooms, searching) Just what I thought: no plants here.  (Goes out the back door and freezes) Oh.  (The backyard is a ginormous garden, set up as a maze and filled with rows and trellises of fruits, vegetables, flowers, and legumes, surrounded by hanging baskets of more flowers and bookended with fruit bushes) What am I supposed to do with this?!  These aren’t “plants”, they’re the Hanging Gardens of Babylon!  (Spots an extremely long hose attached to a faucet on the side of the house) OK, guess this is it.  (Turns on the water, drags the length of hose to the garden entrance, and begins dousing the plants) Apologies in advance if I miss anyone, but until your mama comes back, take what you can get.  (Struggles up and down the leafy aisles, getting scratches and contact hives from all the flora reaching out for the moving stream; the water also disturbs several insects that were perched on flowers)

Butterfly: (Shaking legs in anger at Friend 1) Hey!  I’m pollinatin’ here!

Friend 1: (Aims the hose in Butterfly’s general direction) Buzz off!

Butterfly: I don’t buzz, I flutter by!  (Flutters by Friend 1 and administers a gentle slap of the wings on the latter’s wrist) Take that!

Friend 1: Was that a breeze?

Butterfly: Hmpf!  (Flutters to a neighboring backyard to wreak pollination havoc there)

(Friend 1 wipes sweat off forehead while getting drenched everywhere else in yanking the hose around corners and holding it up to cover the taller plants, then lower to drench the dirt, grousing incomprehensibly all the while.  After emerging from the maze that is now a dripping rainforest and watering the hanging baskets and nearby bushes, stands at the maze’s entrance again to address the gathering) Well?!  Are you all satisfied?!

Strawberry Bush: (In a corner by the side of the house) Ahem.  (Waves a few runners at Friend 1)

Friend 1: Oh for crying out – (Shoots a jet of water in the strawberries’ faces)

Strawberry Bush: Aiii!!!!

Friend 1: (Lowers the hose) Sorry.  (To the entire backyard) Is that it?!

Garden: [Grumbles in agreement]

Friend 1: Good!  (Turns off the hose and tosses it away) I’ll be back at the same time tomorrow!

Garden: [Groans in despair] 

SATURDAY MORNING 

(Seated at a kitchen table in an apartment, Friend 1 is job searching on a laptop when Friend 2 calls)

Friend 1: (Answering) So, you’ve returned at last, have you?

Friend 2: (Standing in the middle of the garden maze, which is still dripping) What did you do to my plants?!

Friend 1: Exactly as you instructed: I watered them.

Friend 2: Almost drowned them, more like!  I said only do enough to get them wet!

Friend 1: And they are wet, aren’t they?  I fail to see the issue here.

Friend 2: If you water them too much, you rot out the roots!

Friend 1: Oh.  Well, they looked like they needed it, what can I tell you.

Friend 2: You can tell me that you know we’re still under a water restriction from last year, right?!  I’m only supposed to water these once every few days!

Friend 1: A fact you neglected to mention in your haste to add a chore to my list.  And we’re under a water restriction?

Friend 2: Unbeliev – you live under a rock, you know that?!

Friend 1: I sometimes wish I did.

Friend 2: And by the way, you also can tell me that you were too aggressive with the hose and took your irritation out on my poor babies!

Friend 1: (Flares up) Who snitched?!  The marigolds?!  The tomatoes?!  The potatoes?!  Every last one of them were giving me dirty looks the entire time I was there, the ingrates!

Friend 2: (Rubs eyes in weariness) Listen, I appreciate you doing this for me, and I think they’ll all make through the hyperhydration; I’m just exhausted from the conference and the travel and nearly not-landing on the runway coming back, and seeing my garden nearly washed away on top of all that was the last straw.

Friend 1: I get it; I’m sorry.  I’ll water slightly less next time.

Friend 2: Next time I’ll ask my neighbor to do it.

Friend 1: Even better.

Story 533: House-and-Pet Sitter for Hire

 WEDNESDAY MORNING

            (Employee lies on the couch playing a video game on a tablet, pausing it when the phone rings)

Employee: Hey, what’s up?

Manager: (Voice) You do realize that the third no-call/no-show means you’re fired, don’t you?

Employee: Oh yeah, I’d been meaning to talk to you about that: I really can’t take the toxic work environment there anymore, so I decide not to expose myself to it ever again.  I probably won’t get unemployment either, but I figured the trade-off was worth it in the long run.

Manager: (Voice) …Please take me with you.

Employee: Sure, it’s amazingly easy to do.  Requires literally no effort on your part.

Manager: (Voice) …No, what am I saying?!  I can’t cold-bloodedly commit – (Whispers) “Job Abandonment”!  (Normal volume) How would I sleep at night?!

Employee: Same as you do every night, only with less stress I’d bet.

Manager: (Voice; sighs) It’s all those other things too, you know: steady paycheck, health benefits, the forever-unrealized hope of an actual vacation.  You gonna be OK with all that gone now?

Employee: Yeah, I’ll be fine – I’ll figure out something.

Manager: All right: best of luck to you then, and send some of it my way while you’re at it.

Employee: I would, but I don’t share – bye!  (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the couch, and opens an Internet browser on the tablet) Let’s see: easy money, easy money…. (Reviews several search results) “Rideshare Driver” – ugh, driving…. “Bike Messenger” – ugh, bicycling…. “Dog Walker” – ugh, walking…. Oh hello, what’s this?  “House-and-Pet Sitter Needed ASAP”.  (Pulls up a description of the position which includes a photo of a ginormous mansion) Yeah, dogs are walking right to the ol’ backyard – I’m in.  (Accepts the posting and leaps off the couch to pack an overnight bag and take a bus to the mansion)

 ONE HOUR LATER

            (Employee struggles up a steep hill to the mansion, gasping and sweating under the hot Sun.  At the end of the driveway, Employee grabs onto the gate for support which causes it to swing open)

Employee: Aw, how thoughtful.  (Struggles up the long, long driveway; on reaching the house and lumbering up many steps to the front entrance, the door suddenly flings opens to reveal Employer wearing a nice suit, light gloves, and a long coat with a dog excitedly barking nearby)

Employer: (Hurriedly) Hi, you’re the one who answered the ad right away?

Employee: (Hunched over at the knees to catch breath; gives a slight wave) Yep – [GASP] – that’s me.

Employer: Great, come on in!  (Turns around and trots through a hallway into the kitchen, followed by the eager dog.  Employee, recovered, strolls in afterward, eyes widening while slowly taking in the massive luxury all around) In here!

Employee: Right!  (Lightly jogs in to the kitchen)

Employer: (Ripping open a large bag of high quality dog food) Yeah, I’m kind of in a hurry – I have to get going soon, but first I had to go out and get some more dog food since the bowls were ABSOLUTELY EMPTY!  (Nearly spills out the food with a massive tear)

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Pours a lot of food into a bowl) Sorry, it’s just – seeing this – argh!  And the water bowls were empty, too!

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Looks back at Employee) Yes!  You understand!  (Brings the overflowing bowl down to the floor to the patiently waiting dog, who devours the contents; rubs the dogs ears soothingly) Yes my love, you were literally starving weren’t you, yes you were!  (Gives a pat on the head, stands to grab another bowl, opens the refrigerator, takes out a fancy water bottle, and pours its contents into the bowl) Unbelievable.  And to top it off, there were no treats in sight either so I had to pick up those, too!  (Gestures to another bag on the counter)

Employee: …OK.

Employer: So, what you see here?  Twice a day, 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.; treat around 1; pretty simple, right?

Employee: Right.

Employer: And the backyard’s immense, so let sweetums here do business wherever there.

Employee: …If you insist.

Employer: (Sets down the full water bowl next to the food; the dog then begins lapping that up furiously as Employer rubs the ears again) So thirsty, my love!  That’s just terrible…. (Clenches other hand)

Employee: (Has been looking around the kitchen unobtrusively) So, that go for all the dogs, then?

Employer: (Looks up at Employee) Hm?

Employee: (Gestures to the other bowls laid out near the still-drinking dog) Looks like there are about five dogs here.

Employer: (Focuses on rubbing the dog’s back) Oh, the other four ran off earlier this morning.

Employee: Oh!  (Cringes slightly) Do you… want me to go look for them?

Employer: (Sharply) They’re better off!

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Gives one last pat and stands again) So!  Let me give you the five-minute tour.  (Opens wide the combination freezer-fridge for Employee to see) Eat all the food you want here and in the pantry. 

Employee: Mmm….

Employer: (Gestures Employee to follow into multiple living/game rooms) Watch and play anything you want, even if it says credit card payment’s required.

Employee: Ooh….

(They both walk upstairs, followed by the dog)

Employer: (Opening bedroom and bathroom doors) Sleep anywhere and everywhere you like, and use all the soaps and towels you want.

Employee: Ooohhhh….

Employer: (Opens the door to a massive closet in the master bedroom) Wear anything that takes your fancy in here, including the shoes.

Employee: Oooohhhh – although I don’t think I’m quite the right size.

Employer: I’m sure there’s something that’ll do; keep whatever you want from here.

Employee: Ha-ha-ha – seriously?!

Employer: You have no idea.

Employee: Umm….

(They go back downstairs and out the back door, sans dog, to survey the adventure park that is the backyard)

Employer: (Points to each area) Inground heated pool – tennis court – go-kart track – bouncy castle.  Any supplies not already out here are in the shed; lock’s busted so you can go right in.

Employee: Cool.

(They walk over to the open garage)

Employer: (Opens one of the five cars parked inside and grabs a set of keys from under the driver’s side Sun visor) You drive?

Employee: When the situation calls for it.

Employer: (Tosses the keys to Employee, who almost fumbles catching them) It’s yours – consider it your payment since I don’t have cash handy.  Title’ll be transferred to your name later.

Employee: (Stares at the keys and Employer in disbelief) No way!  (Eyes narrow in suspicion) What’s the catch?

Employer: No catch; just do exactly what you were hired for.  (Both walk back into the house; Employer picks up the waiting dog and pets the latter affectionately) Especially take care of this precious little lovey-wovey dumpling!

Employee: (Pockets the car keys) Oh, I definitely will.

Employer: Good.  (Sets down the dog with one last pat) Well, I’m off – call 911 if you need anything.  (Heads to the front door)

Employee: (Follows in slight confusion, with the dog not far behind) Wait a minute, is there a security system I should set or something?  Or house keys in case I need to go out, even though I really don’t want to, ever?

Employer: (Chuckles) Don’t worry about it.  (Employee double-takes; Employer reaches the front door, scoops up a large sack that was sitting on the floor next to it, and turns to the former) It’s posted all over social media that the trip’s done by Monday night around 7:00 so please leave before then, and wipe down everything you touched before you go.

Employee: (Slightly crestfallen) Right, of course.

Employer: (Opens the front door, then turns to Employee again) Oh, one more thing: feel free to trash the place.

Employee: (Laughs, then stops at Employer’s somber face) What?

Employer: Seriously: trash it.  It’ll bring me joy.  (Smiles down at the dog, standing next to Employee with tail wagging in glee) Bye-bye, baby!  (Blows kisses to the dog and leaves with a slamming door, followed soon after by the sounds of a revving engine and screeching tires)

Employee: (Stares down at the dog, who merrily stares back) If this is a dream, I don’t wanna wake up.  (Proceeds to spend the next six days living in luxury, using everything inside and outside the mansion and having a blast with the dog as they play all day, every day to Employee’s mental soundtrack of party songs)

MONDAY – 7:00 P.M.

(Employee is napping curled up with the dog on a couch while a paid move plays on the giant TV in the main living room when the front door opens)

Employee: (Stirring awake as the dog sits up and begins to bark, then checks watch) Oh, shoot, honeymoon’s over – gonna get kicked out of paradise now.  (Rubs face while slowly getting up; the dog bounces off the couch and trots over to the stranger who enters the living room with a wheeled suitcase and a garment bag; both humans freeze on seeing each other)

Stranger: Who the blazes are you?!

Employee: I could ask you the very same question.

Stranger: I live here!  (Uses a leg to shoo away the dog trying to cuddle)

Employee: Oh.  Well, your spouse or butler or whoever hired me to watch the place and the dog, so….

Stranger: (Still shooing away the dog while setting down the suitcase and the bag) What in the world are you talking about?

Employee: (Rubs eyes some more) Yeah, sorry I’m still here when you got back; I was told I should leave before now, but you know when you get really comfortable –

Stranger: Hold on, hold on – told by who?  I’m the only one who lives here!

Employee: (Blinks a few times) Umm… I am extremely confused right now….

Stranger: (Walks to a panel on a wall) Yep: security system’s busted – gate was left wide open – (Sees that the other rooms are very lived in) – place is a mess, and I bet half my stuff is gone.  (Takes out a cell phone and starts dialing) You’re the most inept thief ever.  Don’t even think about running – I’m calling the cops.

Employee: (Finally wakes up fully and also takes out a cell phone) Whoa-whoa-whoa, don’t call the cops – yet; I just answered a job ad!  (Brings up the ad and holds out the phone to Stranger)

Stranger: What?

Employee: An ad!  For a house-and-pet sitter!  (Hands over the phone to Stranger, then looks down at the expectant dog) Speaking of which – time for your extra treat!  (Employee and the dog skip into the kitchen as Stranger slowly follows while reading the posting; Employee feeds the dog a biscuit) I probably started a bad habit with this, but when those big eyes look at you so sweetly, how can we mere humans resist?  (Rubs the dog’s ears fondly)

Stranger: (Hands the phone back to Employee, who stands to take it) I didn’t place this ad.

Employee: (Pockets the phone with a shrug) Oh, well, like I said, that cousin or personal assistant or whoever hired me.

Stranger: And like I said, I’m the only one who lives here!  (Suddenly looks around the kitchen) And where are all the other beasts?!

Employee: (Raises eyebrows) I was told that the other dogs ran off before I got here.

Stranger: What?!  They were worth thousands more than that little runt who stayed behind!  (Employee protectively picks up the dog as Stranger darts over to the door that leads to the garage and turns on a light in there, voice echoing from below) Ah!  My favorite car’s gone!  (Employee surreptitiously takes keys out of a pants pocket and sticks them in a random drawer as Stranger runs back into the kitchen and points to the former) You!  Follow me!  Now!

Employee: (Petting the oblivious dog) Must I?

Stranger: Yes!

(They go upstairs to see the very lived-in bedrooms and bathrooms)

Employee: (Sheepishly, still cuddling the dog) I’ll clean all this up.

Stranger: (Seething) Don’t bother – it might mess up the evidence.  (Strides into the master bedroom, flings open the closet door, pauses momentarily at the sight of disheveled clothes and shoes, and crouches down to the floor safe)

Employee: (As face is being licked by the dog) Should I step outside for a minute?

Stranger: (Gritting teeth while entering a code) No point.  (Opens the safe, which only contains a folded piece of paper)

Employee: (Peers over Stranger’s shoulder as the latter takes out the paper with a hand shaking in anger) I’m assuming it wasn’t that empty when you last left it.

Stranger: No it was not.  (Opens up the note)

Employee: (Shifts the dog slightly to read over Stranger’s shoulder) “Consider yourself lucky – next time I’ll call the ASPCA for suspected animal cruelty.”

(Stranger stands suddenly and faces Employee)

Stranger: How much money you want to keep the dog and never breathe a word about any of this to a single soul?

Employee: (Nuzzling the contentedly napping dog) No worries – I’ve been paid enough.