Story 552: Off-Season Hot Chocolate

             (In an ice cream parlor at a beach town during the summer, the line snakes out the door and around the corner of the building late at night.  Behind the counter, Manager and three Employees field multiple orders at a time from large groups, with no breaks from the never-ending line)

Manager: (Smiling while handing over several cones and cups to a multi-generational party, who take the desserts and run) Here ya go!  (Immediately rings up the order from memory and addresses the group’s representative) That’ll be $40.87.

Customer 1: (Freezes while digging out a wallet) It wasn’t that high last year.

Manager: (Still smiling, briefly points to the giant sign on the wall behind the counter listing all the food, drinks, and prices) Well, prices are all posted, and as you know, this is a family-run business with all our specialty, hand-crafted tastes and treats made with the utmost care and love – and all that ain’t gettin’ any cheaper.  (Holds out a hand) $40.87, please.

Customer 1: (Counts out exact change) Here – next time I’m telling them all to order the smallest size.

Manager: (Dumps the cash into the register) You do you.  (As Customer 1 starts to turn away, Manager slides the tip jar over) Ah-ah-ah.

Customer 1: I thought you said this was family-run?  Don’t you get all the profit?

Manager: Me and behind-the-scenes are family – (Nods at Employees) That crew’s a bunch of doomed college students who’ll need all the help they can get.

Employee 1: (Freezes mid-scoop) Huh?

Manager: Like you don’t know – (Points to the ice cream carton) and make sure you don’t sweat in that thing like last night!  (Employee 1 ducks out of the case while finishing scooping as Manager cheerfully turns back to Customer 1) So?

Customer 1: (Tosses a dollar into the jar) Vacations ain’t getting’ any cheaper, either.  (Leaves)

Manager: (Mutters) I’ll bet.  (Loudly) Next!

Customer 2: (Approaches the counter) Hi, can I have a… (Squints up at the giant sign) Rootin’ Tootin’ Banana Split Fruitin’ Fudge Brownie –

Manager: Yeah, I really need to shorten that title; what size?

Customer 2: GRANDE.

Manager: Ohh-kaay, that’s a large.  (Briefly taps Employee 2’s shoulder as the latter is topping off a sundae) When you’re done with that order, go in the back and make up a large #4.

Employee 2: (Whines) Aw, Boss, do I have to?

Manager: (Stares balefully at Employee 2) Yes!  You’re the only one here besides me who can make it competently, and I am not leaving this counter unsupervised!  And it’s your job, so get moving.  (Turns back to Customer 2) That’ll be a few minutes – (Points to a nearby table) Would you mind waiting there until it’s done, please?  You can pay when it’s delivered to you.

Customer 2: With great anticipation.  (Spins around, glides over to the table, and slides onto the chair)

Manager: (Quietly) Oh my.  (To the rest of the room) Next!

Customer 3: (Steps up to the counter, very intense) Hello.

Manager: Hi!  How can I help you?

Customer 3: I would like a small hot chocolate, please.

(Everyone else in the ice cream parlor freezes; mouths drop open in shock and/or mid-bite, and ice cream falls off scoops and back into cartons, unchecked)

Manager: (Trying to maintain a smile) …Come again?

Customer 3: You heard me.

Manager: We… don’t serve hot chocolate here.

Customer 4: (On line by the front door) Yeah, `cause this is an ice cream parlor, ya weirdo!

Customer 3: (Ignoring the comment) I see that you serve coffee here, correct?

Manager: Yes, rarely –

Customer 3: Well then: use the same milk steamer that you would use for that, and pour some syrup or melt some fudge in it, and there you are.  Oh, and some of your homemade mini marshmallows to top it off would be most appreciated.

Manager: It’s… more of an… off-season menu item….

Customer 3: I fail to discern the issue here.

Customer 5: (In the middle of the line) That’s right: I see everyone else having hot coffee and hot tea all summer long, what’s the big deal?!  (Is shoved back toward the door by other Customers)

(Employee 2 slowly emerges from the back delicately carrying an extremely large platter laden with brownies, fruit, candy, and more toppings than ice cream)

Employee 2: All righty, who ordered the Rootin’ Tootin’ – ?

Manager: (Still locking eyes with Customer 3) NOT!  NOW!

Employee 2: (Immediately turns around and heads into the back) Okey dokey.

Manager: (Turns and points to Employee 3) You: turn on the steamer, grab five tablespoons of chocolate chips, and make a small hot chocolate topped with mini marshmallows.

Employee 3: (Panicking) But Boss, it’s the middle of summer, this just isn’t done!

Manager: That’s an order, Rising Sophomore!  (Employee 3 wails while turning on the steamer and scrambling to gather the chocolate chips)  Welcome to the real world, kiddo!  (Turns back to Customer 3 with a strained smile) Anything else?

Customer 3: No, that’ll be all for tonight, thank you.

Manager: (Types into the register) That’ll be $4.00… plus an extra 90 cents for the topping.

Customer 3: (Hands over $5.00) Keep the dime.  (Shoves a few dollars into the tip jar) For your trouble.

Manager: (Strained smile) Thank you.  It’s no trouble.

Employee 3: (Carefully walks over to Customer 3 and shakily hands over the hot chocolate, sniffling) One small hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows topping.

Customer 3: (Takes the cup) I thank you.  (Turns to leave)

Manager: DON’T – (Customer 3 turns back) you want to try it out?  Make sure it was made to your… satisfaction?

Customer 3: (Smiles bitterly) I trust the integrity of your family-run business and doomed college staff.  (Turns around slowly to address the waiting Customers) I will not be shamed further by your judgmental views of my dessert beverage of choice, just because it’s not the stereotypical season for it!  Or iced!  Or coffee!  Or tea!  Hypocrites!  (The other Customers lower their heads, chastened)  Besides – it’s too hot and I’ll burn my mouth if I drink it right now.  (Rushes through the parting crowd and out the door, cackling)

(A few moments of embarrassed silence, until – )

Customer 2: (Raises hand while sitting at the table) Excuse me?  Can I have my #4 now, please?

Manager: (Shakes self out of daze as Employees begin taking orders from Customers again) Oh yeah, sorry – it’s on the house.  (Yells at the back) #4, you’re up!

Employee 2: (Peeks head out) Is it safe to come out now?

Manager: Yes, before the whole thing melts!  Just bring it to Table 1!

Employee 2: (Slowly emerges from the back delicately carrying the platter again) Right: which one’s Table 1?

Manager: (Stares at Employee 2 in disbelief) The only table with a customer sitting at it!

Employee 2: Gotcha.  (Brings the large dessert to Customer 2 and sets it gently on the table) Here ya go!

Customer 2: Thanks ever so much.  (Employee 2 rushes back to the counter; Customer 2 takes a spoon that was stuck into the dessert and whispers to the giant mass of sugar) At last, you are mine.

Manager: (To the crowd) Next!

Customer 6: (Steps up to the counter) Wow, I bet when you started this business you never thought you’d have an order for hot chocolate in the summer, huh?

Manager: True, but I also never thought I’d be serving ice cream to dozens of people past midnight either, and yet, here we are.

Story 494: Inappropriate Calf Raises

(In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk along a trail)

Friend 1: I’m just saying, if we want to see any lasting change for the better on this planet, then all of us should start taking some personal responsibility for once in our lives and stop breathing out so much carbon dioxide all day long.

Friend 2: You had me until that last phrase.  (Stops at a World War II memorial stationed next to the trail and spends a few moments reading the dedication and soldiers’ names)

Friend 1: (Leans in closer to read the inscription; to Friend 2) Any relatives of yours?

Friend 2: No; just figured I’d pay my respects, considering the day.

Friend 1: What’s today?  I thought it was just Memorial Day week… end…. (Trails off as Friend 2 gives Friend 1 a withering look) Never mind me.

Friend 2: Unbelievable.

(After a few moments of silence, they continue on the trail)

Friend 1: On another note –

Friend 2: Oh, what banality is it now?

Friend 1: I’ve been noticing lately that we walk for miles and miles every week, and yet my legs still are completely unacceptable.

Friend 2: (Stops walking to face Friend 1, who also stops) What?!

Friend 1: I mean, look at this!  (Raises one leg to demonstrate a weak calf) What do you call that?!

Friend 2: I call that needing more exercise than once a week.  Maybe join a gym?

Friend 1: (Lowers leg as they resume walking) Please.  No, I have no room in my busy schedule of relaxing after work to fit in anything else, but I also can’t believe all this walking is doing bupkis for the very muscles in action.

Friend 2: I don’t know, maybe do some calf raises during the day; those usually are quick and you can do them just about anywhere.

Friend 1: Picking up a baby cow is fast and easy?

Friend 2: …Now I know you can’t be that stupid.  (Stops again to slowly rise and lower on toes several times) These are calf raises.  (Stops those and they both begin walking again)

Friend 1: Ohhhhhhh…. And those’ll turn my legs into steel, then?

Friend 2: They should help, yeah.  And you can do a few anywhere, anytime, like when you’re standing on a long line or something.

Friend 1: Perfect: I know just the places I can do them, and then all my problems will be solved forever.

Friend 2: Wonderful.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a supermarket, Friend 1 is at the end of a long checkout line and suddenly starts bobbing up and down doing calf raises)

Customer: (Waiting behind Friend 1) Line’s pretty long still, if you’re trying to find the end of it.

Friend 1: (Looks back at Customer mid-raise) Huh?  Oh, no, I’m just doing calf raises.

Customer: Oh.  OK.  (Friend 1 turns around and starts bobbing up and down again) Kind of weird.

Friend 1: (While turning back) What?

Customer: What?

THE NEXT DAY

(In a department store before the start of the business day, Friend 1 and coworkers stand in a circle around the customer service desk as Manager leads a meeting)

Manager: – so if we don’t make plan this week then everybody’s hours are getting cut again, but since that’s nothing new let’s move on to Corporate’s project where you all need to sell at least one box of the company’s new cookies every shift – (To Friend 1) am I boring you?

Friend 1: (Stops at the top of a calf raise) Hm?  No, just aggravating – why?

Manager: You’re acting antsy with all that bobbing up and down there.

Friend 1: (Resumes) Just some calf raises to start off the day!

Manager: Not on company time they aren’t.

Friend 1: (Thuds back down on heels) Oh.  (Whispers to Coworker as Manager continues the meeting) How do those affect company time?

Coworker: (Shrugs and whispers back without looking at Friend 1) Don’t ask me; I just work here.

THE NEXT DAY

(At a funeral home, Friend 1 and Cousin sit on folding chairs in the center of the room, surrounded by mourners; the former starts doing calf raises while seated)

Cousin: (Leans over to Friend 1 and whispers) Knock it off.

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers heels to the floor) Good call.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 1 is in the living room doing calf raises while on the phone with Friend 2)

Friend 1: So I took your advice and started doing calf raises everywhere –

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: – and I really have been noticing a difference already; the wobbliness is almost all gone for the first time since high school! 

Friend 2: Well, that’s great, just don’t overdo it.

Friend 1: (Increases speed) Hey, what makes you think I’d overdo it?

Friend 2: I know you.

Friend 1: Point taken, but that’s just nonsense – ah!  (Falls to the floor in agony but never drops the phone)

Friend 2: What, what happened?!

Friend 1: (Uses a knuckle to select the speaker option on the phone, then drops it to grab both calves while grimacing) I pulled the muscles in my both my legs!

Friend 2: Right on schedule.

Story 484: Get Me to the Plane on Time

 (In a mega airport, Passenger 1 and Passenger 2 stand on the serpentine security line that spans two wings of the terminal)

Passenger 1: (Constantly leaning to each side to look ahead as the line slightly shuffles forward every 30 seconds) Oooh, it’s barely moving, and I think the section ahead of us has gotten longer!

Passenger 2: (Watching a heartwarming kitten video on a phone, not looking up) Relax: long as it’s moving.  (Still watches the video as everyone advances 5 inches)

Passenger 1: Barely!  (Checks watch) We’ll be lucky if we make it to our gate before the plane takes off, and we got here three hours ago!

Passenger 2: No big deal – they all know the line here is extra-long, they’ll hold the plane.

Passenger 1: No they won’t!  They’ll just tell us we should’ve gotten here last night!  (Sees an airport security officer pulling the retractable belt from one nearby stanchion to another, extending the line they are one just as they were about to make the next turn closer to the checkpoint, and points at the belt in accusation) See?!  See?!  We just got an hour added to our wait time!

Passenger 2: (Chuckling at the cute video) Heh-heh-heh – what?  (Finally looks up and sees the newly extended line) Eh; it happens.  (Returns to the video and blocks out the world again)

Passenger 1: That tears it!  (Leans over the line’s retractable belt a bit and holds out a boarding pass to get the attention of a passing employee) Excuse me, hard-working worker?

Security Officer 1: (Stops) You have five seconds to state your case.

Passenger 1: We’ve been on this never-ending line for hours and our plane leaves in less than 30 minutes.

Security Officer 1: (Peers at the boarding pass) Yeah, that’s pretty much the theme of the millennium.

Passenger 1: I normally don’t like to make a fuss –

Passenger 2: (Back to not looking up) Sure you do.

Passenger 1: – but as you can see, we probably won’t be through this line until at least tomorrow, and there’s a slight chance the plane won’t still be here by then.

Security Officer 1: Gotcha.  (Lifts up one side of the belt for the two to pass through) Follow me, please.

Everyone Else on Line: HEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

Security Officer 1: They’ve served their time!

Everyone Else on Line: Grumble – mutter – rhubarb –

(Security Officer 1 guides Passenger 1 and Passenger 2 to the checkpoint where they show their IDs and deposit their carry-on bags, shoes, jackets, and phones onto the conveyor belt for the luggage scanner as they walk through the body scanners)

Security Officer 2: (To Passenger 1 as the body scanner goes off) Step over here, please.

Passenger 1: (Still holding hands above head) What?!  What?!

Security Officer 2: Pardon me?

Passenger 1: (Whispers) I meant, “What?”

Security Officer 2: Have to do a brief pat-down of your left leg that set off the scanner.

Passenger 1: We all know that I moved too early and the thing’s super-sensitive!

Security Officer 2: You want this to turn into a body cavity search?  `Cause I don’t.

Passenger 1: Please proceed with your original plan.

Security Officer 2: (After a brief pat-down of the left leg) All good, thank you, get out of here.

Passenger 1: (Quickly trots away) Thank you for keeping us all safe!  (Reaches the conveyor belt and suddenly stops, staring at the end where everyone’s belongings appear) Where are my shoes?

Security Officer 3: (Holds up a messenger bag) This your bag?

Passenger 1: Yessss….

Security Officer 3: I have to search it since the scanner couldn’t see through to what you have in here.

Passenger 1: For the love of – please proceed.

Security Officer 3: (Opens the bag and uses a stick to move items around) Looks all right, but your wallet was blocking everything else – you have a lot of change in there?

Passenger 1: (Grabs shoes and starts putting them on) Yes, I have 97¢ in pennies.

Security Officer 3: Seriously?

Passenger 1: Everyone wants exact change!

Security Officer 3: (Hands back the bag) Not in pennies – enjoy your flight.

Passenger 1: (Takes the bag and puts on jacket) No one ever does!  But thanks.  (Finds Passenger 2 sitting on a nearby bench, still watching kitten videos) And where were you this whole time?!

Passenger 2: Here.  The employee who helped us earlier said we can catch a shuttle bus outside that’ll take us to the gate in… (Checks watch) less than five minutes.

Passenger 1: (Also checks watch) Probably’ll get there in time to see the plane take off, but let’s go!

(They follow signs for the exit to the intra-airport shuttle bus; once outside, they descend a staircase to the tarmac and join a group of passengers waiting)

Passenger 1: (To one of the group) You waiting for the bus to Gate 1,372?

Passenger 3: Yeah, but I’m heading for Gate 954 – should drop us off somewhere near both.

Passenger 1: (Starts bouncing lightly on feet while peering in the distance for the bus) We’re not gonna make it in time….

Passenger 3: I wouldn’t worry; flights are always delayed.

Passenger 1: And yet the door’ll be slammed shut right on time!  Maybe.

Passenger 3: We should be in luck – I heard the employee on the bus used to be a race car driver.

Passenger 1: Huh?

(The group turns as one as a squeal of tires announces an accordion bus wildly rounding the corner and skidding to a screeching halt in front of them)

Bus Driver: (After the door opens) No time to waste; get-in-get-in-get-in!

Passenger 4: (In a wheelchair) Excuse me, do you have – ?

Bus Driver: Yes!  (Already had started the mechanism for the wheelchair lift to descend; squeezes past the boarding passengers to exit the bus, grabs the wheelchair, hauls Passenger 4 onto the lift, runs back into the bus, and retracts the lift so Passenger 4 can board)

Passenger 4: (Wheels to an open space in the seating area) How… efficient.

Bus Driver: (After the last passenger has boarded) Everyone in? 

Passengers: Yes.

Bus Driver: (Flings the door shut) Right – AND AWAY WE GO!  (Floors it)

Child Passengers: YAYYYYY!!!!!!

Adult Passengers: AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Passenger 1: (Looking green) No fair; I’m not supposed to feel airsick before the flight!

Passenger 2: (Holds onto a railing with one hand and the phone with the other) All part of the adventure, I guess.

(The bus screeches through twists and turns, avoiding planes and ground crew with inches to spare, then slams to a halt several minutes later)

Bus Driver: (Opens the door and prepares the wheelchair lift) This is your stop – off you go!

Passenger 1: (On the way out) Do you know how close we are to Gate 1,3 –

Bus Driver: All I know is the road – OUT! (Passenger 1 runs down the steps) Got another bunch of sad sacks waiting for me at the next stop; it never ends!  (Retracts the lift after Passenger 4 disembarks, closes the door, and screeches and bounces away down the tarmac)

Passenger 1: (Catches up to Passenger 2 on a staircase leading back into the airport) Great – now what?

Passenger 2: Follow everyone else back inside and find signs for the gates.

Passenger 1: Oh yeah.  (They re-enter the terminal and find signs for the gates)  Yes!  (Points to the corresponding sign) It’s right down this hallway!  (Begins to run past the pop-up stores and food stands)

Passenger 2: (Walking with the phone ahead) Sweet.

(They reach the end of the hallway)

Passenger 1: (Starts spinning in a circle) Gate 1,371… Gate 1,373… Where’s 1,372?!

Passenger 2: Maybe it’s invisible.

Passenger 1: (Stares) If you don’t start helping me look in about two seconds, I, a full-grown adult, will sit down right here on this semi-dirty floor and start crying like a baby, I swear.

Passenger 2: (Looks up briefly and gestures with the phone) Sign says it’s downstairs.

Passenger 1: (Turns around to see the sign, then turns back) Well that’s just nonsensical gate placement.  (They run down the escalator, pass the empty seats in the waiting area, and arrive at the boarding desk)

Passenger 1: (Holds out the boarding pass, which is extremely rumpled now) Hello, yes, we’re here with – (Checks watch) one minute to spare, so you must let us on board.  Every single employee in this building can tell you the tremendous lines we’ve had to deal with – not that I’m complaining.

Gate Agent: Didn’t you hear the announcements?  Flight’s been cancelled, but I can help you book a new flight for tomorrow.

Passenger 2: (Without looking up) Heh-heh-heh.

Gate Agent: I also can help book a hotel for you to stay tonight.

Passenger 1: …That’s OK, we’ll wait right here.