WEDNESDAY MORNING
(Employee lies on the couch playing a video game on a tablet, pausing it when the phone rings)
Employee: Hey, what’s up?
Manager: (Voice) You do realize that the third no-call/no-show means you’re fired, don’t you?
Employee: Oh yeah, I’d been meaning to talk to you about that: I really can’t take the toxic work environment there anymore, so I decide not to expose myself to it ever again. I probably won’t get unemployment either, but I figured the trade-off was worth it in the long run.
Manager: (Voice) …Please take me with you.
Employee: Sure, it’s amazingly easy to do. Requires literally no effort on your part.
Manager: (Voice) …No, what am I saying?! I can’t cold-bloodedly commit – (Whispers) “Job Abandonment”! (Normal volume) How would I sleep at night?!
Employee: Same as you do every night, only with less stress I’d bet.
Manager: (Voice; sighs) It’s all those other things too, you know: steady paycheck, health benefits, the forever-unrealized hope of an actual vacation. You gonna be OK with all that gone now?
Employee: Yeah, I’ll be fine – I’ll figure out something.
Manager: All right: best of luck to you then, and send some of it my way while you’re at it.
Employee: I would, but I don’t share – bye! (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the couch, and opens an Internet browser on the tablet) Let’s see: easy money, easy money…. (Reviews several search results) “Rideshare Driver” – ugh, driving…. “Bike Messenger” – ugh, bicycling…. “Dog Walker” – ugh, walking…. Oh hello, what’s this? “House-and-Pet Sitter Needed ASAP”. (Pulls up a description of the position which includes a photo of a ginormous mansion) Yeah, dogs are walking right to the ol’ backyard – I’m in. (Accepts the posting and leaps off the couch to pack an overnight bag and take a bus to the mansion)
ONE HOUR LATER
(Employee struggles up a steep hill to the mansion, gasping and sweating under the hot Sun. At the end of the driveway, Employee grabs onto the gate for support which causes it to swing open)
Employee: Aw, how thoughtful. (Struggles up the long, long driveway; on reaching the house and lumbering up many steps to the front entrance, the door suddenly flings opens to reveal Employer wearing a nice suit, light gloves, and a long coat with a dog excitedly barking nearby)
Employer: (Hurriedly) Hi, you’re the one who answered the ad right away?
Employee: (Hunched over at the knees to catch breath; gives a slight wave) Yep – [GASP] – that’s me.
Employer: Great, come on in! (Turns around and trots through a hallway into the kitchen, followed by the eager dog. Employee, recovered, strolls in afterward, eyes widening while slowly taking in the massive luxury all around) In here!
Employee: Right! (Lightly jogs in to the kitchen)
Employer: (Ripping open a large bag of high quality dog food) Yeah, I’m kind of in a hurry – I have to get going soon, but first I had to go out and get some more dog food since the bowls were ABSOLUTELY EMPTY! (Nearly spills out the food with a massive tear)
Employee: …OK.
Employer: (Pours a lot of food into a bowl) Sorry, it’s just – seeing this – argh! And the water bowls were empty, too!
Employee: …OK.
Employer: (Looks back at Employee) Yes! You understand! (Brings the overflowing bowl down to the floor to the patiently waiting dog, who devours the contents; rubs the dogs ears soothingly) Yes my love, you were literally starving weren’t you, yes you were! (Gives a pat on the head, stands to grab another bowl, opens the refrigerator, takes out a fancy water bottle, and pours its contents into the bowl) Unbelievable. And to top it off, there were no treats in sight either so I had to pick up those, too! (Gestures to another bag on the counter)
Employee: …OK.
Employer: So, what you see here? Twice a day, 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.; treat around 1; pretty simple, right?
Employee: Right.
Employer: And the backyard’s immense, so let sweetums here do business wherever there.
Employee: …If you insist.
Employer: (Sets down the full water bowl next to the food; the dog then begins lapping that up furiously as Employer rubs the ears again) So thirsty, my love! That’s just terrible…. (Clenches other hand)
Employee: (Has been looking around the kitchen unobtrusively) So, that go for all the dogs, then?
Employer: (Looks up at Employee) Hm?
Employee: (Gestures to the other bowls laid out near the still-drinking dog) Looks like there are about five dogs here.
Employer: (Focuses on rubbing the dog’s back) Oh, the other four ran off earlier this morning.
Employee: Oh! (Cringes slightly) Do you… want me to go look for them?
Employer: (Sharply) They’re better off!
Employee: …OK.
Employer: (Gives one last pat and stands again) So! Let me give you the five-minute tour. (Opens wide the combination freezer-fridge for Employee to see) Eat all the food you want here and in the pantry.
Employee: Mmm….
Employer: (Gestures Employee to follow into multiple living/game rooms) Watch and play anything you want, even if it says credit card payment’s required.
Employee: Ooh….
(They both walk upstairs, followed by the dog)
Employer: (Opening bedroom and bathroom doors) Sleep anywhere and everywhere you like, and use all the soaps and towels you want.
Employee: Ooohhhh….
Employer: (Opens the door to a massive closet in the master bedroom) Wear anything that takes your fancy in here, including the shoes.
Employee: Oooohhhh – although I don’t think I’m quite the right size.
Employer: I’m sure there’s something that’ll do; keep whatever you want from here.
Employee: Ha-ha-ha – seriously?!
Employer: You have no idea.
Employee: Umm….
(They go back downstairs and out the back door, sans dog, to survey the adventure park that is the backyard)
Employer: (Points to each area) Inground heated pool – tennis court – go-kart track – bouncy castle. Any supplies not already out here are in the shed; lock’s busted so you can go right in.
Employee: Cool.
(They walk over to the open garage)
Employer: (Opens one of the five cars parked inside and grabs a set of keys from under the driver’s side Sun visor) You drive?
Employee: When the situation calls for it.
Employer: (Tosses the keys to Employee, who almost fumbles catching them) It’s yours – consider it your payment since I don’t have cash handy. Title’ll be transferred to your name later.
Employee: (Stares at the keys and Employer in disbelief) No way! (Eyes narrow in suspicion) What’s the catch?
Employer: No catch; just do exactly what you were hired for. (Both walk back into the house; Employer picks up the waiting dog and pets the latter affectionately) Especially take care of this precious little lovey-wovey dumpling!
Employee: (Pockets the car keys) Oh, I definitely will.
Employer: Good. (Sets down the dog with one last pat) Well, I’m off – call 911 if you need anything. (Heads to the front door)
Employee: (Follows in slight confusion, with the dog not far behind) Wait a minute, is there a security system I should set or something? Or house keys in case I need to go out, even though I really don’t want to, ever?
Employer: (Chuckles) Don’t worry about it. (Employee double-takes; Employer reaches the front door, scoops up a large sack that was sitting on the floor next to it, and turns to the former) It’s posted all over social media that the trip’s done by Monday night around 7:00 so please leave before then, and wipe down everything you touched before you go.
Employee: (Slightly crestfallen) Right, of course.
Employer: (Opens the front door, then turns to Employee again) Oh, one more thing: feel free to trash the place.
Employee: (Laughs, then stops at Employer’s somber face) What?
Employer: Seriously: trash it. It’ll bring me joy. (Smiles down at the dog, standing next to Employee with tail wagging in glee) Bye-bye, baby! (Blows kisses to the dog and leaves with a slamming door, followed soon after by the sounds of a revving engine and screeching tires)
Employee:
(Stares down at the dog, who merrily stares back) If this is a dream, I don’t
wanna wake up. (Proceeds to spend the
next six days living in luxury, using everything inside and outside the mansion
and having a blast with the dog as they play all day, every day to Employee’s
mental soundtrack of party songs)
MONDAY – 7:00 P.M.
(Employee is napping curled up with the dog on a couch while a paid move plays on the giant TV in the main living room when the front door opens)
Employee: (Stirring awake as the dog sits up and begins to bark, then checks watch) Oh, shoot, honeymoon’s over – gonna get kicked out of paradise now. (Rubs face while slowly getting up; the dog bounces off the couch and trots over to the stranger who enters the living room with a wheeled suitcase and a garment bag; both humans freeze on seeing each other)
Stranger: Who the blazes are you?!
Employee: I could ask you the very same question.
Stranger: I live here! (Uses a leg to shoo away the dog trying to cuddle)
Employee: Oh. Well, your spouse or butler or whoever hired me to watch the place and the dog, so….
Stranger: (Still shooing away the dog while setting down the suitcase and the bag) What in the world are you talking about?
Employee: (Rubs eyes some more) Yeah, sorry I’m still here when you got back; I was told I should leave before now, but you know when you get really comfortable –
Stranger: Hold on, hold on – told by who? I’m the only one who lives here!
Employee: (Blinks a few times) Umm… I am extremely confused right now….
Stranger: (Walks to a panel on a wall) Yep: security system’s busted – gate was left wide open – (Sees that the other rooms are very lived in) – place is a mess, and I bet half my stuff is gone. (Takes out a cell phone and starts dialing) You’re the most inept thief ever. Don’t even think about running – I’m calling the cops.
Employee: (Finally wakes up fully and also takes out a cell phone) Whoa-whoa-whoa, don’t call the cops – yet; I just answered a job ad! (Brings up the ad and holds out the phone to Stranger)
Stranger: What?
Employee: An ad! For a house-and-pet sitter! (Hands over the phone to Stranger, then looks down at the expectant dog) Speaking of which – time for your extra treat! (Employee and the dog skip into the kitchen as Stranger slowly follows while reading the posting; Employee feeds the dog a biscuit) I probably started a bad habit with this, but when those big eyes look at you so sweetly, how can we mere humans resist? (Rubs the dog’s ears fondly)
Stranger: (Hands the phone back to Employee, who stands to take it) I didn’t place this ad.
Employee: (Pockets the phone with a shrug) Oh, well, like I said, that cousin or personal assistant or whoever hired me.
Stranger: And like I said, I’m the only one who lives here! (Suddenly looks around the kitchen) And where are all the other beasts?!
Employee: (Raises eyebrows) I was told that the other dogs ran off before I got here.
Stranger: What?! They were worth thousands more than that little runt who stayed behind! (Employee protectively picks up the dog as Stranger darts over to the door that leads to the garage and turns on a light in there, voice echoing from below) Ah! My favorite car’s gone! (Employee surreptitiously takes keys out of a pants pocket and sticks them in a random drawer as Stranger runs back into the kitchen and points to the former) You! Follow me! Now!
Employee: (Petting the oblivious dog) Must I?
Stranger: Yes!
(They go upstairs to see the very lived-in bedrooms and bathrooms)
Employee: (Sheepishly, still cuddling the dog) I’ll clean all this up.
Stranger: (Seething) Don’t bother – it might mess up the evidence. (Strides into the master bedroom, flings open the closet door, pauses momentarily at the sight of disheveled clothes and shoes, and crouches down to the floor safe)
Employee: (As face is being licked by the dog) Should I step outside for a minute?
Stranger: (Gritting teeth while entering a code) No point. (Opens the safe, which only contains a folded piece of paper)
Employee: (Peers over Stranger’s shoulder as the latter takes out the paper with a hand shaking in anger) I’m assuming it wasn’t that empty when you last left it.
Stranger: No it was not. (Opens up the note)
Employee: (Shifts the dog slightly to read over Stranger’s shoulder) “Consider yourself lucky – next time I’ll call the ASPCA for suspected animal cruelty.”
(Stranger stands suddenly and faces Employee)
Stranger: How much money you want to keep the dog and never breathe a word about any of this to a single soul?
Employee: (Nuzzling the contentedly napping dog) No worries – I’ve been paid enough.
