Story 514: Lost in the Corn Maze… in Broad Daylight

            (At a local farm temporarily converted into a Halloween/Autumn Extravaganza, Friend 1 and Friend 2 follow several groups of families and friends to a corn maze entrance in the late afternoon)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 as they wait on the steadily moving line) You sure you don’t want to do this one with me?  I doubt it’s much trickier than the haunted barn we just went through.

Friend 2: Yes, I’m still trying to figure out how we managed to get turned around in there when it’s only one way – that demonic sorceress and rabid wolf-man were helpful in guiding us to the emergency exit, though.

Friend 1: Hey, it’s not my fault there’s barely any light in those things and the glow-in-the-dark paint only makes it worse.  The screaming teenagers didn’t help my concentration, either.

Friend 2: Yeah, all that stuff’s kind of the point.  So, you go have fun not learning your lesson and getting lost in an even bigger space that’s an actual maze this time – I’m exiting through the gift shop and stocking up on the pumpkins and lawn ornaments I forgot to get this year until literally days before Halloween.

Friend 1: Sucker: these places always get you with their unnecessary tchotchkes that no one can live without.  (Checks watch) Whelp, this place closes in about half an hour so if I don’t come out in 20 minutes, send in the search party, heh-heh.

Friend 2: You’re hilarious.  (Squints at the setting Sun that is deceptively high in the sky) At least it’s still sunny now this time of year, so it shouldn’t be too “scary” in there.

Friend 1: Yeah.  (Briefly removes cap to wipe sweat off brow) Although the 80° F weather right before November is probably the scariest part of this whole outing.

Employee: (Dressed as a killer accountant and taking tickets from customers as they enter the corn maze) Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare….

Friend 1: (Hands over ticket) Of course I dare, I forked over $5 for the pleasure of getting temporarily lost, didn’t I?

Employee: Well, if you’d like to do the speed run, take the first right and after a few turns in either direction keep the highway on your right to make your way back; if you want total immersion, take the aisle ahead allllllllll the way to the end and then try to make your way back… IF YOU DARE!

Friend 1: I already said – !

Employee: Sorry; I got a limited script to work with here.  Maze is only one square mile so I suggest doing the longer version to get your money’s worth.

Friend 1: Thanks!  (To Friend 2 while walking backward down the long aisle, surrounded by high cornstalks) And you never saw me again…. (Disappears behind leaves and ears)

Employee: (Cups mouth to shout) And don’t eat any of the corn, please!

Friend 2: Seriously, people do that?

Employee: Trust me, people do anything.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 2 wheels a cart filled with pumpkins and decorations to the corn maze entrance)

Friend 2: (To Employee who is packing up gear) Excuse me, did you happen to see if my friend left a little while ago or is still in there?

Employee: Nope, and everybody’s out.

Friend 2: That can’t be right; this place isn’t that big and no one was at the car for me to dump all this stuff off.

Employee: (Checks counter) Hmmmmm… must have miscounted…. (Looks down at accountant costume) Now that’s ironic.

Friend 2: (Sighs, sets down the cart, takes out a phone, and selects a contact) Unbelievable – would get lost trying to get out of a paper bag.  (Listens to phone ringing on the other end)

Friend 1: (Voice) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: You’re lost in there, aren’t you.

Friend 1: (Voice) …Noooooo….

Friend 2: You went into that thing in broad daylight, and giggling children made it out of there faster.

Friend 1: (Standing in the center of the corn maze with five different openings radiating outward) I seem to have been sucked into The Labyrinth – which path should I choose…?

Friend 2: Oh for crying out loud – (To Employee) Is there a shortcut in this thing?

Employee: Uhhhh.... (Looks warily and the lower Sun) They don’t want us in there after dark.

Friend 2: I’m sure your bosses also don’t want the bad publicity of a lost customer making a scene in the super-easy maze!

Employee: I’m not talking about my bosses; I’m talking about – (Points to the darkening cornfield) Them.

Friend2: You can drop the act, it’s almost closing time.

Employee: Oh no, I am deadly serious.  `Twas the bargain made, for us mortals to use the cornfield for the amusement of the kiddies.  Rule #1: DO NOT EAT THE CORN.

Friend 2: Oh, jeez.

Employee: And Rule #2: DO NOT REMAIN AMONGST THE CORN AFTER SUNSET.

Friend 2: Well, we’re in luck, `cause sunset’s not for another hour thanks to the perennial nuisance Daylight Savings Time being scheduled later than it used to in years past.

Employee: (Thinks on this) Oh, right.  Guess that’s still around, huh.

Friend 2: (Whips out a flashlight) Yes!  So: I’m going in there to get my idiot designated driver out, and it would be most helpful if you led the way so that we all get out of each others’ lives all the faster!

Friend 1: (Voice) I can still hear you, you know.

Friend 2: (Places phone on speaker and straps it to an armband) Sorry for the name-calling, but this really does take the boneheaded cake.

Friend 1: (Voice) Hey!

Friend 2: (As Employee takes out a flashlight, places a barrier across the maze entrance, and they both enter the maze) Not sorry on that one.

(They navigate through the maze, having to turn on the flashlights several minutes in as their surroundings darken)

Employee: (To Friend 2’s phone) Can you hear the highway to your right or your left?

Friend 1: (Voice) Um, right – no, left – wait, I think it’s behind me – now it’s in front – !

Friend 2: Stop moving!

Friend 1: (Voice) Got it.

Employee: (Nervously checks watch) Ooh, only 53 minutes left….

Friend 2: (Through gritted teeth) Would-you-get-a-grip – ?  (A deer suddenly leaps out of nearby cornstalks and dashes across the path in front of them) OH MY GOSH!

Friend 1: (Voice) What?  What’s happening?  Is the maze taking you?!

Friend 2: No, it was just a sudden deer!  Watch out for them now, OK?  It’s their dinnertime.

Employee: I guess they’re allowed to eat the corn –

Friend 2: Oh shut it!

(Friend 1 activates the cell phone’s flashlight, then uses it to peer closer at one of the cornstalks)

Friend 1: Wait a minute… I’ve passed this ear before!

(Friend 2 and Employee round a corner and stop on seeing Friend 1)

Friend 2: Ah, finally.  (Ends the phone call and Friend 1 does the same) Only you – only you –

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically) Ssh: we’ve got bigger problems.

Friend 2: Yes: your lack of direction, for starters.

Friend 1: No, I mean, I’ve been hearing things in here, rustling things, gnawing things –

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s the deer, eating the corn, let’s go!

Friend 1: (Still looking around) No, not deer; something bigger, hungrier…. (Faces the other two ominously and whispers) We’re not alone in here!

Employee: (In a shrieking whisper) I knew it!  It’s THEM!  And they’re – (Checks watch) 48 minutes early!

Friend 2: (Moves to a different spot in order to shine the flashlight at the other two) I never thought I would need to use Parent Mode on full-grown adults, but here it is: I am going to count to three, and you are going to start walking as fast as you can back to the entrance before I get to three, got it?!  (The other two stare) One!  (They run down the path that Friend 2 and Employee originally took) Wow, that really does work.  (Follows them at a slower pace, then after several turns stops when seeing their non-moving backs; in an annoyed tone) Why are we stopped?

Employee: I… think I took a wrong turn – or five.

Friend 2: Un – freaking – believable.  (Listens for several seconds) All right: the highway’s that way – (Gestures with the flashlight in that direction) I’m going through.  (Starts pushing through the cornstalks toward the outer edge of the maze)

Employee: (Gasps in horror) You can’t!  The corn!

Friend 2: Bill me!  (Peeks head back into the maze; to Friend 1) You coming or what?!

Friend 1: Oh, right.  (Follows Friend 2 through the stalks)

Employee: (Hops indecisively from foot-to-foot, then turns toward the sound of loudly rustling cornstalks getting closer, and closer, and closer, and – ) I’m outta here!  (Runs through the cornstalks after the other two and falls out of the maze and onto the surrounding grassy field) Forgive meeeee – !  (Thunk)

Friend 2: Oh good, you made it out alive; let’s go before somebody steals my pumpkins if they haven’t already.  (Walks toward the abandoned cart and the brightly lit parking lot)

Friend 1: (Helps Employee up from the ground) Well, thanks for coming in after me – I no doubt would’ve made it out eventually, so sorry for the trouble.

Employee: (Keeps looking back at the maze) No trouble – part of the job to find wayward souls…. (Once they are past the maze entrance, Employee grabs Friend 1’s arm and hisses) Now: run for your life and never come back!  (Runs to a car and takes off without even clocking out for the day)

Friend 1: (Shrugs, then returns to the car where Friend 2 is waiting with the cart of supplies) Well, that certainly was exciting, wasn’t it?

Friend 2: (As they load up the trunk and then wheel the cart back to where others are parked) Yeah, I’m never going with you to another Halloween event ever again.

Friend 1: Oh, it wasn’t that bad – that employee sure was getting into though, right?

Friend 2: I almost got run over by a deer!  That would have been a very real nightmare: I just know my health insurance would never have covered it!

Friend 1: (Winces as they both get into the car and drive to the exit) Sorry about that – I really didn’t think I’d get that lost in such a family-friendly setting.  And I’m pretty certain there was something other than deer in there with us.

Friend 2: I admit, you might be right about that: there could’ve been monsters of the human kind in there, which is even worse.

Friend 1: (Begins the long wait to make a left-hand turn onto the busy highway) Yeah: that’s the kind of Halloween scare no one wants.

(Ten minutes later, the car screeches onto the highway between unending waves of two-way traffic as several figures watch from the darkness of the corn maze)

Figure 1: Huh: we almost got some this time.

Figure 2: Well, good thing for them they managed to escape before The Night – staying past operating hours is just plain rude.

Story 513: Haunted House for Sale

            (In a centuries-old Victorian-style house surrounded by an empty field, Ghost 2 hovers in an armchair in the parlor reading a book with semi-materialized hands when Ghost 1 floats in through the closed door)

Ghost 1: You won’t believe what just happened!

Ghost 2: (Looks up from the book) Hm?  Oh, I probably will – what is it?

Ghost 1: That real estate agent we keep having to chase away once a month came back and slapped an “Under Contract” sticker on the sign outside!  Didn’t even get out of the car to do it; just leaned out the window and then drove away right after, the coward!

Ghost 2: Huh.  But there hasn’t been anyone actually inside the place for decades – who would’ve bought it sight unseen?  Sounds like a bad investment to me.

Ghost 1: I know!  We slipped up big-time, I tell you: the buyer must’ve seen old photos posted online and now wants to turn this into a –

Ghost 2: Don’t say it!

Ghost 1: – bed-and-breakfast!

Ghost 2: NOOOOOO!!!!  We’ll be surrounded by weekending tourists, all week long!

Ghost 1: We should never have let this happen – I told you we needed to branch out and start haunting the Internet!

Ghost 2: I know, but it seemed such a hassle.

Ghost 1: Well, it’s too late now!  The relaxation-seekers will be streaming in any minute, demanding rustic atmosphere and French toast and quilted tea cozies and guided hikes until I’ll wish I could throw up but I literally don’t have the stomach for it!  This is our house, our land, forever has been, and forever will be!

Ghost 3: (Sticks head in through the door) Actually, the land this house was built on originally was part of the homeland of the Nanticoke Lenni-Lenape Tribal Nation, so I think they’d have a few words to say about that.

Ghost 1: (Points to Ghost 3) I… retract my prior statement.

Ghost 3: Gotcha.  (Ducks back out)

Ghost 1: (To Ghost 2) So what’re we going to do?!

Ghost 2: I think we should wait and see who actually bought the place and plan the hauntings accordingly – who knows, they could just be a stereotypical family who only need a few slamming doors and tipped-over chairs to make them run away screaming for their lives.

Ghost 1: (Tries to throw self onto the couch and instead hovers slightly above it) Ugh, I thought we were done with all this; full-out hauntings are sooooo exhausting!

Ghost 2: I know, but unfortunately they’re a necessary evil if we want any peace during our indefinite stay here.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(The new owner of the house arrives at night, during a full moon with a werewolf howling in the distance)

Owner: (Unlocks the front door and turns on the main light) Helloooooo, ghosties, anyone home, heh-heh-heh?

(Ghost 1, Ghost 2, and Ghost 3 watch from behind the railing along the second floor hallway facing the entrance)

Ghost 1: Great, we’ve got a comedian.

Ghost 3: At least it’s not ghost hunters again – the last group made such a mess.  Although, it was a lot of fun messing with them, so, yeah.

(Owner sets down an overnight bag, closes and locks the front door, and begins slowly exploring the rooms)

Owner: (Shouting up at the ceiling and the second floor) DON’T MIND ME, I’M ONLY MAKING SURE NOTHING NEEDS MAJOR REPAIRS, NO DESECRATION IS INTENDED, I’M CERTAIN WE CAN ALL LIVE – oops – I MEAN, EXIST TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY!

Ghost 1: Wow, this one’s noisy – want me to release the chandelier now?

Ghost 2: No!  It’ll probably be too expensive to replace this time and they’ll just chuck it.

Ghost 1: Good point.

(Owner turns on the light for the staircase and hallway and slowly walks upstairs, unknowingly toward the ghosts)

Owner: I’M CHECKING THE BEDROOMS NOW, SO HIDE ANY UNSEEMLY LITEREATURE YOU HAVE BEFORE I GET THERE, HEH-HEH-HEH!

Ghost 1: (As the three watch Owner pass behind them) I am two seconds away from a spirit possession to make this one fall right back down the stairs.

Ghost 2: Easy there.

Ghost 3: Um, you two keep an eye on all this; I just gotta check in my room for… something.  (Quickly floats down the hall and through a bedroom door)

Ghost 1: (Stares disgustedly after Ghost 3) Unbelievable.

(After an uneventful search of the rooms, Owner stops at the attic door)

Owner: (Half-turns around) I’M GOING TO THE ATTIC NOW!

Ghost 1: Yippee.

Owner: (Unlocks the attic door, turns on the light, and slowly ascends the stairs) PLEASE DON’T HAVE A HANGING BODY OR YOUR IMAGES REFLECTED IN A MIRROR BEHIND ME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, OK?

Ghost 1: Don’t worry; I never repeat myself.

(Ghost 3 floats out of the bedroom back to the other two)

Ghost 3: So, what’d I miss?

Ghost 2: (Points to the open door at the end of the hallway) Attic.

Ghost 3: Ah.  What’s up there this time?

Ghost 1: Oh, maybe the diary I left open to the page detailing how I slaughtered my entire family, or maybe the newspaper article detailing how the demon we summoned took forever to drive us all mad, or maybe the blood writing on the wall detailing how the house slowly came alive and consumed us out of spite, or maybe something else entirely, I forget.

Ghost 2: You know, I haven’t checked up there in a while, I hope we didn’t leave all that stuff lying out together – I think that wouldn’t be so much terrifying as confusing.

Ghost 1: (Thinks on this) Drat.  Well, there’s always Plan B.

(Owner comes back down the attic stairs, turns off the light, closes and locks the door, and starts walking back to the main stairs, looking very confused; Ghost 1 floats over and materializes immediately in Owner’s path)

Ghost 1: Boo.

Owner: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  (Runs all the way downstairs, grabs the overnight bag, unlocks the front door, stops halfway to the car, runs back inside the house, turns off the main light, locks the door, runs back to the car, and speeds away with tire marks on the driveway all the way to the main road)

Ghost 2: (To Ghost 1) Well done!  Another one out of our afterlives forever!

Ghost 1: Thank you – I’ve still got it.

Ghost 3: You don’t think anyone else’ll come along after this one, do you?

Ghost 1: Oh, I highly doubt it.  (Looks determinedly at the closed front door) But if they do, we’ll be ready for them, forever have been, and forever will be!

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(Ghost 1, Ghost 2, and Ghost 3 are in front of the house staring at the new sign: “COMING SOON: LUXURY TOWNHOUSES!  WARNING: TOWNSHOUSES WILL BE UNAFFORDABLE FOR MOST PEOPLE AND SUBJECT TO GROUNDWATER FLOODING”)

Ghost 3: So, how does it work if we no longer have an actual house to haunt?

Ghost 2: I suppose we finally, at long last, move on?  Eternal rest for our mildly tormented souls?

Ghost 1: Nah: this just means there’re more houses for us to haunt.

Story 512: Oblivia and the Vampire

            (In a movie theater lobby, Oblivia and Friend make their way to the exit)

Friend: Well, all I can say is I’m glad I only spent $6 on what we just saw because, wow.

Oblivia: (Scraping the bottom of a popcorn bucket to get the remnants) How do you mean?

Friend: For one thing, at least an hour could’ve been trimmed off the runtime since that middle section led absolutely nowhere, and for another, the storyline was predictable and boring!

Oblivia: (Tosses the empty bucket into a garbage can before the two exit the building to hover near the curb) I thought it was all right – I like it when I know how something’s going to end, it gives me a sense of security and lessens my anxiety about fictional characters’ fates.

Friend: Fine – what about the “acting”, emphasis on the air quotes?

Oblivia: Oh, you’re right about that: everyone was pretty much terrible in this one, unfortunately.

Friend: Thank you.

Oblivia: Except for the swing band members who kept randomly popping up – they were hilarious.

Friend: Agree to disagree.  So, need a lift to your car?

Oblivia: Nah; thanks, though: it’s just at the end of that aisle over there.  Gotta get home to the kiddies now?

Friend: Oh no, they’ll be there next week or else I wouldn’t have gone out tonight.  Kind of lonely the weeks they’re not at my house, know-what-I-mean?

Oblivia: Kind of: I’ve lived alone for more than 10 years and it’s mostly fine, but one in a while it gets a little lonely, too.  Maybe I should borrow some kids when I start feeling that way?

Friend: I don’t recommend doing that, ever.  Anyway, this was fun; have a good night; safe getting home!

Oblivia: (Waving as the two part ways) You, too!  (Walks all the way down the nearly empty aisle to reach her car, not noticing a figure leaning against a lamppost almost next to it)

Vampire: (Wearing jeans and a T-shirt clothes; to Oblivia’s back as she is about to open the driver’s side door) Sooooooo….

Oblivia: (Turns around abruptly) Huh?

Vampire: Lonely, are we?  (Makes a show of slowly running tongue over upper fangs)

Oblivia: Heh?

Vampire: (Pauses, then stands up straight) What you were saying to your friend just now.

Oblivia: (Looks up briefly to remember the conversation) Oh, that.  Wait a minute, you eavesdropped on me saying that from almost 1,000 feet away?  That’s a bit rude.

Vampire: …Yeah, it’s kind of hard to turn it off.  Anywho, I possibly could help with you feeling, you know, less lonely.  (Starts moving in closer to Oblivia) Make you feel wanted, instead.  Needed.  Loved.

Oblivia: (Laughs) Thank you very much, but I’m happy with my current religion.

Vampire: What?

Oblivia: Aren’t you a Jehovah’s Witness?

Vampire: (Cackles evilly) Quite the opposite, my dear.

Oblivia: Satanist?

Vampire: No!  That one doesn’t do it for me, either.  Look, what I’m offering is an eternity of never feeling lonely again.

Oblivia: Well, that’s not as much of a problem as you seem to think it is, but how so, then?

Vampire: Because you’ll be MINE FOREVER.  (Eyes blazing red and fangs lengthening, begins reaching for Oblivia)

Oblivia: (Grimaces) Ew.  Textbook possessive behavior with a hearty dollop of narcissism to boot.  No thanks!  (Gets into the car, gestures at Vampire to back up a smidgen, and drives off)

Vampire: (Staring at the receding car with arms still outstretched) …WHAT?!

(At home, Oblivia has changed into pajamas and is putting away some clothes lying around her bedroom when she sees something fluttering at the closed window)

Oblivia: Is that a confused bird?  (Peers closer through the glare of the bedroom light on the window at the figure now perched on the outside ledge) Aw, it’s a bat!  You go get all those bloodsucking mosquitos, buddy!  (Bat morphs into Vampire, then falls off the ledge) Oh, you again.  How’d you find out here I live?

Vampire: (Stands while brushing off leaves and dirt) I followed you here, obviously.

Oblivia: And a stalker too; you’re just one big mess, aren’t you?

Vampire: Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot – please allow me to make it up to you.

Oblivia: Sure thing: you can start by leaving since it’s beddy-bye time.

Vampire: (Tries to lean alluringly on the narrow ledge) I was thinking more along the lines of me showing you the wonders of the night.

Oblivia: Is that a new pick-up line?

Vampire: (Stands up) No, it’s – here, I can explain everything if you just invite me in.

Oblivia: Why would I do that?  You’re a stranger.

Vampire: For what I just said!  The wonders of the night!

Oblivia: Yeah, but I’m more of a morning person.

Vampire: You don’t understand – I’m offering you immortality!  You will never grow old, you will never become ill, you will never die!  (In a low voice) Again.

Oblivia: What was that last part?

Vampire: Power over your enemies!

Oblivia: I don’t have any.

Vampire: All the money in the world!

Oblivia: Eh – not worth it after the first two million.

Vampire: Never having to go to work again!

Oblivia: (Slides up the window and leans on the sill) I’m listening.

Vampire: (Also leans on the outside ledge) Freedom to travel anywhere and everywhere you’ve ever wanted to go!  The world will be your oyster that you literally suck dry!

Oblivia: Gross.

Vampire: Well, that is the catch.

Oblivia: What, I gotta eat only oysters now?

Vampire: (Sighs, then adopts an ominous tone) In exchange for all these glorious rewards, you merely need to feast on your former fellow creatures.

Oblivia: (Gasps in horror) You’re a cannibal?!

Vampire: For the love of – I’m a vampire!

Oblivia: You’re a what?

Vampire: Yes, we exist, we’re here to stay, and I have selected you for the honor of joining our loving family.  Clearly out of convenience rather than merit, since no one else was nearby at the time.

Oblivia: No, I mean, what’s a vampire?

Vampire: (Laughs, then stops on seeing the blank look on Oblivia’s face) You’re not serious?

Oblivia: Yeah, are you trying to say you’re a special kind of umpire or something like that?

Vampire: Let me get this straight: you’re telling me, in this day and age, in this part of the world, inundated by pop culture whether you like it or not, you have never heard of the word “vampire”?!

Oblivia: Nope, but I also don’t pick up on much in general, so don’t take it personally.  Did you get special training for this career?

Vampire: (Stares inwardly and shakes head) Unbelievable….

Oblivia: (Stands) Whelp, this was a nice break from the routine, but I gotta go into work early tomorrow, so, bye!  (Slams the window shut, closes the blinds, turns out the light, gets into bed, and falls asleep immediately)

Vampire: (Sits down on a nearby bush, still staring inwardly) Unbelievable….

(In a supermarket parking lot late the next afternoon, Oblivia whistles while wheeling a shopping cart of groceries to her car as the sun sets)

Vampire: (Lands while transforming from bat form immediately after the sun is gone) Heyyyy....

Oblivia: (After tossing the last bag into the trunk) Oh, hey, still not staying as a bat again?

Vampire: No, the bat’s only for transportation!

Oblivia: (Tsks) That’s too bad, I liked that version of you better; such a cute, furry little thing.  (Slams the trunk door shut and wheels the shopping cart to a nearby corral)

Vampire: (Mutedly grinds fangs while trotting along to keep up) Have you considered my proposal at all today?

Oblivia: (Shoves the cart a few times into a growing stack until it fits) Hm?  I don’t remember you asking me to marry you last night; we haven’t even gotten to the fooling-around stage yet.

Vampire: (Eyes begin blazing red and fangs lengthen again) This is your last chance, Mortal!

Oblivia: (Walking back to the car as Vampire again trots along to keep up) Great, you think you’re a god now; there’s really nowhere else to go from there.

Vampire: (Runs in front of Oblivia to hypnotize her) <Give your soul to me!>

Oblivia: (Stops) Wow.  I think you need to work on that self-esteem issue that’s clearly the root of all your problems.  (Digs into her handbag and hands Vampire a business card) I always find volunteering is a great way to put things in perspective while helping others in need – this organization distributes food and clothing and provides people with job training; I seriously recommend you contact them to help out where you can.  They’re mostly only open during the day, but I’m sure they can find something for you to do that fits your apparently nocturnal schedule.  (Pats Vampire on the shoulder) Best wishes on your life!  (Gets into the car and drives off)

(Vampire stares at the car, then back down at the card as a bat flies over and transforms into Head Vampire)

Head Vampire: Well?  That one was practically a “gimme”, and yet you managed to utterly fail in either converting her to one of us or even making a meal for yourself!  By all rights, I should demote you back to “Trainee” status since remedial education is clearly in order!

Vampire: (Hangs head in shame) I understand.

Head Vampire: And what is that she gave you!

Vampire: (Hands over the card) Here.

Head Vampire: (Starts reading in disgust, then nods thoughtfully) Hm, maybe it is about time we start giving back to the community. 

Vampire: Might help with our image.

Story 510: And the Rains Came

“I love autumn!”

“You do?”

“Oh yes: the colorful leaves, the crisp cool weather, the mums and pumpkins all out on cheerful display – ”

“HA!”

“…I fail to perceive the cause for that outburst.”

“Where have you been the past 20 years?!  We don’t get autumn anymore!”

“We don’t?”

“No!  We get Summer 2.0 and then the Rainy Season, often interchangeably, up to and including winter.”

“But we still get all the stuff I mentioned.”

“Barely!  The leaves don’t noticeably change until November; the weather skips crisp-cool and instead does blazing-freezing; we’re lucky the mums make it to September and the actual start of autumn before they burn up; and the pumpkins are regularly imported due to the rot from the constant rain, rain, rain!”

“Rain’s not all that bad; it’s not as if we have to deal with monsoons every year like some places.”

“You’re right, it isn’t all that bad: the times when it stops once a week and you don’t have to swim to get out of the house, it’s just fine!”

“Well, we’re lucky our area didn’t get hit with the hurricanes this year.”

“That we are; not so lucky are all the other places that did get hit, multiple times.”

“What about the areas suffering from drought and wildfires?”

“All the more reason that it’s so awful we get excess when those places are the ones that need at least their share!”

“I guess.  Still, I like all the decorations that are out for Halloween and autumn in general, those are always fun.”

“When they’re not being swept away down the rising river that used to be the street, sure.”

“All right, so the autumn I’m visualizing is more of the autumn we used to get before the Earth started taking revenge on us; I’ll still enjoy what’s out there, in-between the raindrops.”

“That’s a great attitude, considering the heavens just opened up again for Round 300 and last I heard this downpour won’t end until later in the month at the earliest.”

“Well, it could always be worse.”

“How so?”

“Could be snow.”

Story 464: Unexpected Dental Work

 (In a room in Dentist’s office, Patient waits patiently in the reclined exam chair until Dentist arrives)

Dentist: Hello!  I see you’ve had your cleaning and X-rays done, so nothing left for me to do except give you the bad news, eh?  Heh-heh-heh – kidding, I want this over with as much as you.

Patient: Okayyyy….

Dentist: (Holds X-ray films up to the light, shakes head, and “Tsks” several times) Oh dear, oh dear – this won’t do at all.

Patient: (Panicking) What won’t?

Dentist: (Shakes head some more, tosses the films onto a counter, puts on gloves, and turns to Patient with a scraper and small mirror at the ready) I need to see for myself first – open up!  (Patient opens mouth as Dentist dives in, shoving in a suction tool for assistance) Uh-huh, just as I thought.  (Taps a molar with the scraper) You see that right there?

Patient: Gurgle?

Dentist: Oh – here.  (Hands over a larger mirror for Patient to hold during the demonstration) You see that?  (Taps the molar again) That’s no good.

Patient: Naw ooo?

Dentist: No.  Look at that decay, just strolling all over the enamel without so much as a “By your leave”!  And I know you brush and floss every day, so this – (Taps slightly harder, making Patient flinch) is a gross insult to us all.

Patient: (Trying to angle the mirror for a better view) Uk – egh –

Dentist: (Takes away the mirror, presses a buzzer on the wall, and begins prepping the tool tray) Yes-yes-yes: try as we might, build the mightiest fluoride wall, relentlessly scrape plaque off the entire surface area, and all it takes is one bacterium to find the microscopic fault line and let the rest of the invading army in.  Still, we must be resilient in the face of such setbacks.  (A Hygienist enters the room) Hi, thank you for coming back so soon.

Hygienist: Need me again for this patient?

Dentist: Indeed: seems we’re doing a filling today.

Hygienist: (Nods in agreement) Ah yes, there were signs.

Patient: (Sits up in the chair, shaking head vigorously) Mm-mmf!  Mm-mmf!

Dentist: Here, let me.  (Takes out the suction tool and hands it to Hygienist) Feel free to remove that whenever you like, except during the actual procedure, it’ll come in handy then.

Patient: Thanks, but I can’t have a filling, I’ve never had a cavity in my life!

Dentist: (Shrugs) First time for everything.

Patient: You don’t understand: I’m just starting my middle-age phase, and I HAVE NEVER HAD A CAVITY IN MY LIFE.  I can’t start now!

Dentist: Sure you can – I’ve got a whole mouth full of `em myself; they’re actually what led me to my calling.  (Shows the evidence)

Patient: Well, yeah, but that’s expected for your… (Dentist raises an eyebrow) generation.

Dentist: Good save – it’s a minor procedure, probably won’t even have to numb you at all.

Patient: Numb me?!

Dentist: (Chuckles while lightly but firmly shoving Patient back down on the chair) It’ll take less than 10 minutes; you’re lucky I had a cancellation today or else both insurance and I’d’ve had to charge you for a separate visit.

Patient: But – !  (Hygienist shoves the suction tool back into Patient’s mouth as Dentist finishes preparations)

Dentist: (Dives in again and begins the work) You’re also very lucky, you know, to have gone this long without a filling – you can thank improved preventative care and those sealants I see your kiddie dentist put on your molars all those years ago, which are slowly but surely eroding like the sands of time.

Patient: [Whimpers]

Dentist: (As Hygienist swaps out cement for a vise) Here we go, and press – it – down!

Patient: Nnnnh.

Dentist: Good, that means it’s working.  (Hygienist swaps out the vise for a laser beam) Now to dry that on the gale-force-winds setting, heh-heh-heh.  (The laser buzzes) Oops, missed a spot.  (Hygienist swaps out the laser for more cement; Dentist tamps it down with a mini-jackhammer) Won’t be a minute!

Patient: (Pounded into the chair) Eeeeee!!!

Dentist: (As Hygienist swaps out the jackhammer for the vise) And again!  (Clamps down on the tooth, the swaps that out for the laser beam again) And back to dry!  (The laser “Bzzzzzzz”s)

Patient: (Teeth rattling) Zzzzzz –

Dentist: (Turns off the laser with a flourish) And we’re done!  (Checks watch) What did I tell you – seven minutes!  Nice bit of work if I may say so myself; how do you feel?

Patient: (Slumps in the chair as Hygienist removes dental accessories) Mmmfff….

Dentist: (Pats Patient’s shoulder) You’ll feel that way for the next half hour – don’t let that stop you from eating lunch later, and now you’ll have an edge on what you ingest, hee-hee!  See you in six months.  (Leaves the room while snapping off gloves into a nearby trashcan)

Hygienist: (Raises the exam chair to a sitting position and helps Patient out of it) Make sure to stop at the front desk on your way out – there might be an extra copay for this.  (Patient stands next to the chair, deep in thought) You OK?

Patient: Hm?  Oh, yeah, just realized something too late.

Hygienist: What, your dental insurance is out-of-network?

Patient: (Shudders) Not even in jest.  No, I just realized that back when I made this appointment six months ago, I really shouldn’t have set it for the day after Halloween.