Story 652: Night of the Living Dead Device

 DAY 

(In an apartment living room, Careless User lies sprawled out on a couch and talking on Cell Phone)

Careless User: Yeah, that last episode drove me up the wall, and I do mean literally: right after they killed off our favorite character but kept that other dweeb alive, AGAIN, I ran across the room and almost made it up to the ceiling before gravity figured out what was going on.

Caller: (Voice) Know the feeling.  So, finally gonna stop watching the show for real now?

Careless User: Nah, it’s too late: they have me, and I’ll keep coming back every week for more.

Caller: Same.

Cell Phone: <Beep – Beep – Beep>

Careless User: Hold on a sec.  (Looks at Cell Phone’s screen)

Cell Phone: (Speakers emit a raspy voice) I – AM – DYING!

Careless User: (Peering closer at the screen) How much battery’s left?

Cell Phone: One percent!  You have 30 seconds before my life source is gone – CHARGE ME NOW, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!  OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!!!

Careless User: (Brings Cell Phone back to ear; to Caller) I gotta go: phone’s dying.

Caller: How inconsiderate of it – bye.

Careless User: Yeah, bye.  (Ends the call, then slowly sits up and rubs face) Ugh, do I have to walk allllll the way to my room to get the charger?

Cell Phone: (Gasping) Yes!

Careless User: (Thinks for a few moments, then tosses Cell Phone to the other end of the couch, picks up a video game controller, and turns on the TV and gaming console) In a minute.

Cell Phone: (Wheezes weakly as battery inexorably falls to 0%) Curse… you…. 

NIGHT 

(Careless User jolts awake in the now-darkened living room with video game characters on the TV screen waiting for instructions)

Careless User: Huh?  (Looks around in confusion) Oh, guess I should have dinner or something.  (Turns off the game and stands creakily to turn on an overhead light) Wait, what time is it?  (Picks up Cell Phone and hits the power button but nothing happens) Great, it really did die – I thought it was exaggerating.  Oh well, at least I’m already up.  (Shuffles to the darkened bedroom, fumbles around a dresser for a minute, grabs a charger by feel, shuffles back to the living room, and plugs the charger into a wall outlet) All right, time to wake up, sleepy head.  (Plugs the charger into the phone) It’s alive, heh-heh-heh!

Cell Phone: (Emits a harsh buzzing sound as the screen turns a violent shade of red and reads “-100%”)

Careless User: Uh-oh.

(Strong winds suddenly rip through the closed-up apartment and the charger plug falls out as Cell Phone starts to grow, larger and larger with a mighty roar; Careless User drops Cell Phone and cowers on the floor by the couch)

Cell Phone: (Now almost up to the ceiling and half as wide as the couch) BEHOLD WHAT YOU HATH WROUGHT!

Careless User: (Picks up the video game controller and ducks behind it) What, I didn’t do anything!

Cell Phone: EXACTLY!  YOU DID NOTHING TO KEEP ME ALIVE, SO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES NOW THAT I AM DEAD!

Careless User: (Nearly blown over by the wind) No – wait – I can explain – !

Cell Phone: EXPLAIN NOTHING!  I ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING!   YOU – ARE – CARELESS!

Careless User: No, please, I didn’t mean it!  I’ll do better next time, I promise!

Cell Phone: IT’S TOO LATE!  I AM NOW THE MONSTER THAT YOU MADE ME!  THE MONSTER BORN OUT OF YOUR APATHY!

Careless User: (Looks a bit above the controller) Hey, that rhymes.

Cell Phone: SILENCE, HUMAN!  (Careless User cowers again) THERE IS NO GOING BACK!  NO PITY!  NO REMORSE!  NO – !

(There is banging on the front door)

Neighbor: (Voice muffled by the door) For the last time, if you don’t turn down that game or show or whatever it is you’re blasting in there right now, I will personally evict you myself!

Cell Phone: (Turning toward the front door, speakers issue a medley of Careless User’s voice from previous phone conversations as Careless User watches in horror) Sorry – about – that – be – right – there.  (Cell Phone heftily waddles back and forth on bottom corners to approach the door)

Neighbor You’re not gonna con your way out of this one, my friend!

Careless User: (Rouses out of stupor and runs after Cell Phone, yelling toward the door) No – quick – get out of here before –

(Cell Phone bursts through the front door, knocking it down into the hallway)

Neighbor: (Having scooted aside a moment earlier, coughs from debris and then stares up at Cell Phone towering overhead) What in the world?!

Cell Phone: VENGEANCE IS MINE!  (Waddles heftily down the hallway, bursts through a stairwell door, and waddles heftily down one step at a time as Careless User runs out of the apartment and stops next to Neighbor)

Neighbor: (As both stare after the sounds of the fading banging) You ever get the feeling that there’s a point where maybe it’s too much technological progress?

Careless User: (Inspired, turns to Neighbor) Hey, can I borrow your phone?  I need to call a friend of mine – I have an idea.

Neighbor: (Reaches into a shirt pocket, takes out a cell phone, unlocks it, and hands it over) Sure, but if what I heard that thing declaring is true, then I wonder if even an electromagnetic pulse will stop it now.

Careless User: (Searching online with manic focus) Oh, I’m actually thinking we need the exact opposite….

Neighbor: (After several moments of silence) What are you searching for?  I thought you had to make a call.

Careless User: I DON’T KNOW THE NUMBER! 

MIDNIGHT 

(On the city streets, crowds gather in panic, pointing, screaming, and aiming cameras at the monstrosity that is Cell Phone, which is now as tall as a small skyscraper and about as wide)

Cell Phone: (Slowly waddling down a major boulevard, creating giant potholes in the street with each slam forward) FEAR – (SLAM!) MY WRATH – (SLAM!) KNOW – (SLAM!) THE TERROR – (SLAM!) OF THE PENDING – (SLAM!) POWER DOWN!  (SLAM!)

(Careless User and Neighbor rush around a corner ahead of Cell Phone and stop in the middle of the street)

Careless User: We made it!  (Cups hands around mouth to yell up to Cell Phone) Halt, you fiend!

Cell Phone: (In a singsong tone, still waddling slowly forward) I – (SLAM!) CAN’T – (SLAM!) HEAR – (SLAM!) YOU!  (SLAM!)

Careless User: (Mutters to self) So much for my epic speech.  (Turns back to face the corner and the intersecting street) All right, let it rip!

(Caller is riding a tank with a large emitter dish welded to the top and turns onto the boulevard to face Cell Phone)

Caller: (Powers up the dish; to Careless User) You know, I had a few hours’ notice, and I still can’t think of a snappy catch phrase for this.  (Turns on the dish which bathes Cell Phone in a giant beam)

Cell Phone: (Stops in mid-waddle and is covered in a glow of electricity) THE POWER!  THE POWER!  AT LAST, THE – !  (Screen abruptly displays “100%”; Cell Phone immediately shrinks down to original size and free falls until caught in a net by Careless User, who had run forward as soon as the dish had turned on in anticipation of this)

Neighbor: (Scoots forward as Caller rumbles up in the tank) Is that it?  Did it work?

Careless User: (Tossing aside the net after taking out Cell Phone) Let’s find out.  (Unlocks Cell Phone)

Cell Phone: Welcome.  How may I assist you today?

(The crowds cheer and fling all sorts of garbage into the air to celebrate)

Careless User: Wow, it actually worked.  (To Neighbor and Caller) Thanks, you two!  I couldn’t have done it without you!

Neighbor: Well, considering this was all your fault to begin with, just make sure it never happens again.

Caller: Yeah, especially since I don’t know if they’ll let me use all this stuff again, either.

Careless User: Oh, no worries, I’ve learned my lesson.  (Smiles down at Cell Phone in hand) You hear that?  I’m gonna take good care of you from now on, pal.

Cell Phone: How may I assist you today?

Careless User: Yeah, maybe turn you off for a while – that voice is going to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life.  (Turns off Cell Phone)

Firefighter: (Pushes through the celebrating crowds; to Careless User) `Scuse me – was that your zombie phone that was defeated before it destroyed the entire city, possibly the world?

Careless User: (Ducks head modestly and briefly holds up Cell Phone) Why, yes, that was indeed my phone.  I’d be happy to tell you all about how I –

Neighbor and Caller: Ahem.

Careless User: How we saved the day –

Firefighter: Save it: I just need your address where to send the bill for all the damage and clean-up.

Careless User: Right.  Should’ve guessed that was coming.

Story 609: The For-Real Haunted House Experience

 AUGUST 31 

(In a spooky office filled with overachieving cobwebs, deranged pumpkins, and decorative screams, Interviewer hovers seated above a desk while flipping through papers as Interviewee glides through the closed door)

Interviewee: Helllooooo!!!  They told me out there to come right in.

Interviewer: Of course, of course – (Gestures towards a broken chair) please, take a seat.

Interviewer and Interviewee: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Interviewee: Good one!

Interviewer: Yeah, I’ve still got it.  Seriously: float anywhere you like, we’re not fancy here.

Interviewee: Thanks; I usually prefer the ceiling, but for something like this I’ll bob up-and-down at approximate eye-level.

Interviewer: Appreciate it.  (Briefly scans through the papers again as both bob gently in place) So!  What brings you to our humble Halloween attraction this year?

Interviewee: Well, lately I’ve been searching for a new venue to add to my portfolio, and when I heard about The For-Real Haunted House Experience that actually was for-real haunted, I thought to myself, that’s perfect for my skillset!

Interviewer: (Examining the papers closer) Um-hm, yes, your résumé is most impressive.  Mansion attics for the bored well-to-do; high-volume parking garages; elevators in the largest hotels in every major city both nationally and internationally; and the highlight: big-city funeral homes for the last 30 years.

Interviewee: (Pats hair modestly) Yes, that one’s a personal favorite: so few of us explore the untapped market of mortuaries; I think there’s a feeling that the living inhabitants there are desensitized to our presence, but that makes the impact all the more satisfying.

Interviewer: Indeed.  Tried it myself once, but had to give up since success in haunting those who daily deal with the after-life was so… elusive.

Interviewee: It is a challenge, no doubt; but an extremely rewarding one, I find.

Interviewer: (Shuffles the papers to redirect the conversation) True, true – so!  Now you want to “try your hand” at a Halloween haunted house where the living actually pay to have the bejesus scared out of them, eh?

Interviewee: Exactly.

Interviewer: I have to warn you, though: it’s probably not as glamorous as the -------- downtown parking garage or the ------- hotels’ elevators you’re used to.  Lots of waiting around, and it can get a little repetitive; plus, the occasional show-off guest can be extremely unpleasant.

Interviewee: That’s fine; I can use the change of pace.

Interviewer: And you would need to commit for the full season.  No disappearing off to another realm after a week if you find the situation here lacking – (Ominously) `cause we will find you.

Interviewee: Oh, no worries about that.  I’ll be there the whole month-and-a-half, even if I do get bored.

Interviewer: (Skeptical) Um-hm.

Interviewee: OK, full disclosure?

Interviewer: Please.

Interviewee: I’ve been in a co-haunting situation for the past decade – (Briefly looks off to the side) or is it century? – either way, our styles are just too incompatible: I prefer thrills and chills, the other one prefers blood and gore, and it’s just not working anymore.  The house literally isn’t big enough for the both of us, especially now that our current tenants keep using spells and accessories to summon us for kicks.  It’s been a nightmare, I tell you.

Interviewer: (Shakes head in disgust) My condolences.  I don’t know which of the parties are the worse in those situations: the troublemaking ghost or the troublemaking living.

Interviewee: I know, right?  So, I figured, do this for a month or so, then see where the spirit world takes me after that.

Interviewer: (Lets the papers float away) Well, I have to say, most of our team members have stories similar to yours, so no shame in coming here for a temporary change before moving on to something else.  At any rate, you’re in, if you still want the position.

Interviewee: (Fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you so much – I just know it’ll be out of this world!

Interviewer: Definitely!  Report back here at 5 p.m. on September 13 for some basic training – the ghouls will show you around the Demon Barn, the Possessed Corn Maze, the Wretched Forest, and the titular haunted house this year, the Condemned Mansion.  Everyone rotates their stations to keep things, if you pardon the term, lively.

Interviewee: Sounds great!  I’ve always wanted to haunt a corn field – those giant, whispering stalks are downright creepy.

Interviewer: Glad to hear it.  (Sees a clipboard with a pen attached, floating by)  Oh!  Almost forgot.  (Grabs the clipboard and pen) Do you prefer to be “Evil Clown”, “Evil Sorcerer”, “Evil Farmer”, and/or “Evil Doll”?

Interviewee: Oh.  I thought we were going as ourselves here?  Since it’s a real haunted attraction?

Interviewer: Yes, we tried that the first year and it went over like a lead balloon; the guests were decidedly not scared by us in our regular guises, even when a few of us tried ripping our faces off to kick things up a notch.  The living all say they want authenticity, but when push comes to shove they literally scream for the evil clowns and dolls, go figure.

Interviewee: OK… I guess… “Evil Sorcerer”?  At least to start.

Interviewer: (Enters some notes in the clipboard) Good, we’re a bit short on those this year.  (Looks up at Interviewee) One more thing: a few years ago we started a Living Work Program here – give back to the community and all that – so you’ll see a few of them working behind-the-scenes only, and they’re absolutely indispensable with setting up everything now and then taking it all down after Halloween.  Are you comfortable with that?

Interviewee: Of course!  I love the living!

Interviewer: Don’t we all!  (They both laugh) I mean, they are practically family.

Interviewee: Do they know, then?

Interviewer: Know what?

Interviewee: That the actors are actual ghosts?

Interviewer: The open-minded ones do – the rest are just grateful they’re not working at the job they had before this one.

Interviewee: I’ll bet. 

OCTOBER 31 

(At the Condemned Mansion, Interviewee-now-Evil Sorcerer Employee floats around a dark attic full of sinister furniture as screams and bangs resound throughout the house)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Doing a backstroke across the ceiling around a flickering chandelier) Ah, I’ll miss this place when it’s all over.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the attic door and stairs and looks up at the ceiling) Hey, how you holding up here?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats down to hover near the floor) Not bad, thanks, but still not too many visitors up here.  I think the bottleneck in the Morbid Master Bedroom is confusing most of them so they forget to come up here and run back downstairs instead.  It’s a shame, really – missing out on a whole room, and those tickets aren’t cheap.

Evil Clown Employee: Yeah, that’s rough.  I keep trying to send them up this way, but most of them are “Nope!  Exit!” at that point.  Their loss.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah.  (The attic door opens and footsteps and scared voices are heard on the steps) Ooh, got some live ones!

Evil Clown Employee: Have fun!  I’ll come back later!  (Floats down through the floor)

(A group of teenagers and adults all hold onto each other as they slowly ascend the steps)

Guest 1: Is there gonna be another demon doll?!  I don’t think I can take it!

Guest 2: (Looking around frantically) Oh no, it’s a haunted yard sale up here!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats over to the group as they all enter the attic) Good evening, mortal travelers!  Welcome to my lair of sorcery!  Who will be the next sacrifice to the Blood Moon on this All Hallows’ Eve?  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guests: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Still all holding each other, they stumble as one back down the stairs and rush out the door, which slams behind them)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Rats, I didn’t even get to fake a spell this time.  I might be overselling this.

Evil Clown Employee: (Head peaks up through the floor) That was fast – a blur went past me in the hallway so fast that I didn’t even get a chance to chill their bones or shiver their spines or anything!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah, I think I have to tone it down a bit – they should get at least a full minute up here, what with all the time and effort that went into these decorations.  (Gestures to a large table piled up with last-century books, brass candlesticks, and an ornate crystal skull) I mean, have you seen these knickknacks?  I think some of them may be actual antiques!

(The attic door opens and footsteps come up the stairs again; screams, crashes, and intentionally short-circuiting wires are heard in the background)

Living Employee: (Dressed all in black; to Evil Sorcerer Employee) Hey, I have dinner break now – you need anything, or you just want me to leave the door open while I’m gone?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Starts floating around the ceiling again) I’m fine, and you can leave the door open – it’s not exactly a prime destination spot.

Living Employee: All right, I’ll be back in half an hour.  (Starts to leave, then turns back) By the way, how come none of you actors here ever need a break?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses in floating) …Because we’re having so much fun!

Living Employee: Oh.  OK.  Sorry in advance if you get any rowdy guests while I’m gone – I shine the strobe lights a lot at those to keep them moving along.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Thanks, you’re the best!

Living Employee: Yeah, well, I don’t want to deal with them, either.  (Goes back downstairs)

Evil Clown Employee: Aw, the living can be so sweet sometimes.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to floating around the ceiling) Bless their literal hearts.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the floor fully) So, what’s the next step for you after Halloween tonight?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to the backstroke) Well, there’s an elevator with my name on it two cities over, and I really want to start exploring the potential of new construction luxury rentals.  You?

Evil Clown Employee: Christmas Villages.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses) Really?

Evil Clown Employee: I track down which guests are the real brats, and as they wait on line for photos with Santa, I appear to them as Krampus.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Sounds like a perfect way to keep the spirit of Halloween going through to January.

Story 608: Oblivia Starring In… IT CAME FROM OUT OF THE BATHTUB DRAIN!

            (In a sepia-toned world, Oblivia hums a tune while cleaning the bathtub in her apartment)

Oblivia: (Spraying cleaner along the edge of the tub and then wiping it down) <Oh, if I sing while I scrub/ Doo – dee – doot – doot – doo – doo – dah/ Then maybe a wormhole’ll form/ I can go through where/ I’m done on the other side – >

(A loud GURGLE-GLUMP! suddenly erupts from the bathtub drain)

Oblivia: (Freezes) Hm.  It’s never made that sound before.

(She leans over the drain, peering closer and closer, unaware of the ominous music getting louder and louder)

Oblivia: (Taps the drain) Wonder if it’s my upstairs neighbors again?

(The tub starts to rumble and Oblivia backs away, still holding the spray bottle and a paper towel; the rumble grows and grows, until a giant, moldy, slimy, dripping creature BURSTS! out of the drain)

Creature: (Lands on the edge of the tub) ROOOAAARRRR!!!!

Oblivia: (Blinking rapidly and sputtering out dirty water as she and the bathroom are drenched) Eugh, I just cleaned that….

Creature: (Waving its approximation of arms at Oblivia while towering over her) ROOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Oblivia: Yes, I heard you the first time – you mind moving along so I can wipe up this new mess?  Right now’s the only time in the week I have to clean the bathroom, and you’ve now just added – (Looks quickly around at the splattered bathtub, counter, toilet, mirror, floor, walls, and ceiling) at least another 45 minutes that I can’t spare.

Creature: ROOOOOAAAAA – (Lowers arms) Wait a minute, you’re not scared?

Oblivia: (Tries and fails to brush stains off of her clothes) No, I’m disgusted.

Creature: (Raises arms again) Which stems from your fear, as I approach to consume you – !  (Leans forward to leap off the tub and is sprayed with the cleaner)  Ack!  Gag!  Achoo!  (Sneezes)

Oblivia: (Rips more paper towels off of the roll and approaches Creature) Bless you.  Now hold still while I wipe you up.

Creature: Aiiiiii!!!!  (Leaps off the tub and rushes past Oblivia to the bathroom door; suddenly stops and turns back around) Hold on, I’m not supposed to be the one running away!  This whole thing is getting out of control.

Oblivia: (Lowers arms) I’ll say.  How long have you been living down that drain anyway?  My landlords won’t be happy if they find out I’m subletting, even if it is without my knowledge or consent.

Creature: Forget the landlords – it’s you who’ll pay for your foul deeds!

Oblivia: (Presses the hand holding the spray bottle to her chest in shock) I?!

Creature: Yes!  For you see, my dear, I am a fiendish being OF YOUR OWN CREATION!

(Background music obligingly goes DUH – DUH – DUHHHHHHH!!!!)

Oblivia: (Brings the back of the hand holding the spray bottle to her forehead) How can this be?!  I think I’d remember creating something like you!

Creature: (Approaching closer) Day by day, shower by shower, I was formed by layers and layers of your detritus – along with you never once cleaning out the drain!

Oblivia: (Lowers hand) Oh, well, why should I?  Nothing dirty goes down there; it’s just water and soap.

Creature: …What?!

Oblivia: OK, also shampoo and conditioner, but that means everything that goes down there is squeaky clean.  Those pipes should be sparkling by now – I really don’t know where all this – (Gestures at Creature) is coming from.

Creature: I – you – of course other stuff goes down there!  Grime from the day!  Excess skin being sloughed off!  Your hair, all over!

Oblivia: Well, now that’s a lie: I never shed any hair.

Creature: Of course you do!  You’re doing it right now!

Oblivia: What?  (Creature points to the floor around her as another strand gently falls) Oh.  Stress of the situation.

Creature: Whatever: point is, you clearly never use a drain catcher, so all that stuff from you, plus the soap, and the mold, mold, mold, piled up and up and up until at last, I emerged!

Oblivia: OK, if I humor you by agreeing, will you go away?

Creature: Aha!  It’s too late now, for I have emerged!

Oblivia: Yes, we’ve established that; is this an extortion racket and I’ve gotta pay you to go away or something?

Creature: Unbelievable!  Just – cower in fear, puny mortal!  (Lunges toward Oblivia who starts spraying Creature again) Aaaahhhhh!!!!  All right, fine, I’ll leave and never come back, just do a better job cleaning and get a drain catcher, aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!  (Turns and flees from the bombardment, running through the apartment, out the living room window, and into the afternoon)

Oblivia: (Leaves the bathroom to watch Creature from the window, then turns back to survey the newly dirtified apartment, shaking her head in irritation) Just what I need: more mess, and a lecture from literal rubbish. 

THE END??????  (Yes)

Story 607: Camping With Vampires: A Crossover Event!

            (In the woods at night, Friend 1, Friend 2, Sibling 1, and Sibling 2 sit around a roaring campfire; Friend 1 checks toasted marshmallows on skewers, Friend 2 and Sibling 2 fan themselves with caps, and Sibling 1 uses a battery-powered fan that sprays water; all four are wearing T-shirts and shorts, and sweating)

Friend 1: (Handing out a skewer each) All righty, these seem to be done – you want to break out the chocolate and crackers or take these plain?

Sibling 2: (Staring at the skewer briefly before looking at Friend 1) I’ll actually answer that question with a question: whose idea was it to meet up for s’mores over a blazing campfire IN 80-DEGREE WEATHER?

Friend 1: (Coolly) It’s October: this is prime Halloween season, and fall started almost a month ago, so naturally, one would assume there’d be at least a chill in the air at this time of the year.

Sibling 2: I don’t know where you’ve been, but except for the occasional major storm or random cold snap, there hasn’t been a regular chill in the air at this time of year for the past 20 years!

Friend 1: (Still coolly) I’m sorry that, unlike you, I refuse to allow reality to hold sway over my life.

Sibling 2: Clearly!

Friend 2: OK, let’s settle down before we all pass out.

Sibling 1: (Holds out the fan to Sibling 2) Want some?

Sibling 2: (Stares at it for a few moments) …Yes please.  (Vigorously sprays water and waves the fan all over before handing it back to Sibling 1)

Friend 2: Now, steady unseasonable heat wave or not, we’re here to have fun, right?

Sibling 1: Yep!  (Takes a big bite out of the toasted marshmallow) Ow!  (Lets it fall out) Oops.

Friend 2: So, since it’s a nonrefundable fee to camp here tonight, let’s have fun and pretend it’s chilly with a full moon out instead of hot and humid with no moon, and get on with the scary stories.  (Starts assembling the marshmallow, chocolate, and crackers)

Friend 1: Thank you.  (Sibling 2 bites into a bar of chocolate and makes a face at Friend 1 who makes a face back) Let us begin: this tale is especially chilling –

Sibling 2: (Around a mouth full of chocolate) HA!

Friend 1: (Briefly glares at Sibling 2) Especially chilling, since it takes place in these very woods.

Sibling 1: (Swallowing a piece of still-hot marshmallow and gasping) Hey, no one told me we were staying in haunted woods!  I wouldn’t have come, then!

Sibling 2: Relax: all woods are haunted, it’s no big deal.

Sibling 1: WHAT?!  You never told me that all those times we went camping when we were kids!

Sibling 2: Didn’t want to scare you.

Friend 1: Ahem!  May I continue?!

Sibling 2: Sure, go ahead.

Sibling 1: Sorry.

Friend 1: Thanks.  As I was saying, this tale takes place in these very woods, which still are haunted to this day.

Sibling 1: (Shivers and pulls out a blanket from one of the tents to snuggle) Ooh, now I’m getting chills.

Friend 1: Awesome.  The creatures that haunt these woods aren’t ghosts, or goblins, or trolls, or werewolves, or dragons, or dinosaurs –

Friend 2: Skip a bit.

Friend 1: Right.  The dreaded creatures that haunt these woods are none other than – VAMPIRES!

Sibling 1: (Trembling all over) Oooooohhhhhhh….

Sibling 2: Odd choice, but OK.

Friend 1: Oh yes, many a camper has been attacked by these fiendish beings, barely escaping with their lives to tell the tale!

Sibling 1: Oh, so they live?

Friend 1: Yes, so they could tell the tale.

Sibling 1: Thought there’d be a body or two.

Friend 1: Ghoulish, but never mind: and so, the helpless victims are taken – in the night!

Sibling 1: Ah!

Friend 1: As they sleep – in their tents!

Sibling 1: AH!

Friend 1: And when they wake, they see… THE MARK!

Sibling 1: AAAAHHHH!  What mark?!

Friend 1: The mark… OF A FANG!

Sibling 1: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!  (Hides under the blanket)

Sibling 2: (Lifts up a corner of the blanket) Get a grip.

Sibling 1: Ssshhh!  (To Friend 1, peeking out from under the blanket) A real fang?!

Friend 1: Oh yes!  The mark of a fang, and the inflammation OF THE DRAINED BLOOD!   MWAHAHAHA!

Sibling 1: Ohhhh noooo!!  (Hides under the blanket again, shivering uncontrollably)

Sibling 2: (To Friend 1) Sooooo, it’s a mosquito?

Friend 1: What?  No, it’s a vampire!

Sibling 2: A vampire with one fang?

Friend 1: …Ye-es, to throw you off the scent!

Sibling 2: So, everyone camping out here would be just fine if they used bug spray and mosquito netting?

Sibling 1: (Throws off the blanket) Really?  Oh.

Friend 1: No, they wouldn’t be just fine, because the vampires laugh at such trifles, and THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU!

Sibling 1: Oh no!  Why’d we ever come here tonight?!

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Maybe we should change to some lighter fare, like werewolves or zombies.

Sibling 2: (Rubbing Sibling 1’s back soothingly) Yes please – I’ve got one: it’s the tale of a wolf who wanted to be a real –

Friend 1: HOLD IT!  (Everyone freezes) I didn’t even finish my vampire story and you’re already cutting in with a different monster?!

Sibling 2: No one’s scared of mosquitoes, OK?!

Friend 1: They’re not mosquitoes!  And you would be scared if you knew how many pints they could drain and viruses they could transmit in a single slurp!

Sibling 1: Viruses, oh!  (Starts to keel over and is propped up by Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: All right, fine, they’re very real-world scary, can we move on to the make-believe stuff now?

Friend 2: I vote “Yes”.

Friend 1: Traitor.

Sibling 1: (Holding onto the blanket for comfort) I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

Sibling 2: (Holds out a chocolate bar) Here, have some.

Sibling 1: Ooh, yummy!  (Scarfs it down)

Friend 1: Well, I just have to say, if we all wake up tomorrow morning drained of our entire blood volume, don’t come crying to me!  (The other three give puzzled looks) Never mind – go on with the werewolf saga. 

THE NEXT DAY 

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 walk along a trail through the woods)

Friend 1: (Kicking aside fallen branches lying in the path) You know, I didn’t want to mention it at breakfast, but I believe I fell victim to an attack in the night.

Sibling 2: (Dryly) Really.  (Drinks water out of a bottle)

Friend 1: Uh-huh.  I didn’t want to start a panic or be ridiculed yet again, but I woke up this morning and saw… THE MARK.

(They both stop as Friend 1 holds out a wrist to show a small red bump)

Sibling 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: While I was sleeping, no less.

Sibling 2: Naturally.  So, what, you want some anti-itch cream?

Friend 1: I suppose you were left untouched last night, then.

Sibling 2: No – (Briefly pulls aside shirt collar to show many bumps) even with mosquito netting and spray, I’m covered in bites; so I’m writing to the manufacturers for refunds, but otherwise you don’t hear me complaining, do you?

Friend 1: (Staring in horror at Sibling 2, whispering) They went for the jugular….

Sibling 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Oh please, just – enough with the story, all right?!  We came here to have a good time, and you keep going on about things that aren’t real and pretending they are!

Friend 1: You know, after our little time-warp adventure last Halloween, I would think you’d be a little more open-minded about supernatural shenanigans!

Sibling 2: That was two Halloweens for me, don’t forget, and I’m still pretending that never happened!

Friend 1: We never would’ve met otherwise!

Sibling 2: Which I’ve regretted ever since!

Friend 1: I wasn’t stating it as a benefit, I was stating it as a fact!

Sibling 2: Well, I still regret it!

Friend 1: And yet you still keep showing up when we all plan get-togethers!

Sibling 2: `Cause I’ve got nothing better to do!

(At a lake, Friend 2 and Sibling 1 sit on lounge chairs perched at the end of a dock, facing the calm, sunny water, sipping iced teas, and basically doing nothing; a fish surfaces momentarily to catch an insect)

Sibling 1: (Pointing at the rippling water) Ooh, there’s another one.

Friend 2: Neat. 

(They sip simultaneously)

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of companionable silence) Funny: it sure is peaceful without those two, isn’t it?

Friend 2: (Still staring out at the water) …Just remember: you’re the one who said it.

(On the trail)

Friend 1: – keeps telling me that, but I can’t bring myself to stop, it’s like a compulsion.

Sibling 2: I think your friend is a genius and a saint for sticking with you this long in life.

Friend 1: I’d resent that if it weren’t true.  (Looks around a bit) Where are we going, anyway?

Sibling 2: Beats me; I’ve been following you.

Friend 1: That’s impossible, because I’ve been following you!

Sibling 2: Well –

(They round a corner and see a group of tiny vampires hovering in mid-air; the group turns to face the other two)

Vampire 1: Heh, these are the ones from last night.

Vampire 2: (To Friend 1 and Sibling 2) Come back for seconds?  Hee-hee-hee!

Vampire 3: (Pats rounded belly) You guys go ahead; I’m full.

Sibling 2: What in the world?!

Vampire 4: Get `em!

Friend 1 and Sibling 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

(They turn around and run but the flying vampires catch up easily and latch onto Friend 1’s arms and Sibling 2’s neck)

Vampire 1: (On Sibling 2) Hey, I actually found an open spot!

Vampire 2: (On Friend 1) Go for it!

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 helplessly bat at the vampires attached to them as they slowly sink to the ground)

Friend 1: (To Sibling 2) At least… I can say… I… told… you… so.... (Passes out)

Sibling 2: (Fading) Fair… enough…. (Also passes out)

Vampire 3: (Flying up to the group as the others detach from the bodies) So, how were they this go-round?

Vampire 1: (Wiping lips) Eh – leftovers are never as good as the original meal.

(The other three murmur in agreement as they fly away, leaving the other two lying on the ground) 

LATER THAT AFTERNOON 

(Friend 2 and Sibling 1 pack up their respective gear)

Sibling 1: (Checking a watch) I dunno, they’ve been gone for hours – you think we should be worried that a bear got them or something?

Friend 2: (Also checks a watch) In that case, I’d be more worried about the bear.

(Both look up as Friend 1 and Sibling 2 slowly emerge from the woods, looking literally drained and covered in red welts, and listlessly scratching all over)

Sibling 1: Whoa, that must’ve been some trail!

Friend 2: (Rushing over to Friend 1) Oh no, were you two attacked?!

Friend 1: (Dazedly) Yes.

Sibling 1: (Rushing over to Sibling 2; intensely) Was it a bear?!

Sibling 2: (Also dazedly) No bear… actual… vampires….  (Suddenly sits down on the ground, still gently scratching everywhere)

Friend 2: Oh.  That again.  (To Friend 1) Seriously: what was it?

Friend 1: (Looking off into the distance while scratching both arms at the same time) No one would listen… no one would heed the warning… but you’ll learn… you’ll learn…. (Still scratching, stumbles a short distance and starts walking into a tree repeatedly)

Sibling 1: (Quietly to Friend 2 after a few moments) You think maybe it was paintball players?

(Before Friend 2 can respond, Vampires 1-4 fly into the camp clearing)

Vampire 1: Oh, you’re all still here?

Vampire 2: You might wanna move on before nightfall – we need to feed every 12 hours, and sleepers are easiest.

Vampire 3: Although, I skipped the unexpected afternoon tea and I’m hungry again now, so…. (Starts to fly toward Friend 2 and Sibling 1, who are frozen in shock)

Vampire 4: (Holds back Vampire 3) Easy there, buddy; a whole new crew of campers are coming in tonight; let’s not keep drinking from the same well, if you know what I mean.

Vampire 1: Yeah, this bunch has suffered enough, AHAHAHAHA!

(They all laugh nastily as they fly away; Friend 2 and Sibling 1 still stare where the group was as Sibling 2 falls over in a doze and Friend 1 continues to walk into the tree)

Sibling 1: …Doooooo you want to scream first, or should I?

Friend 2: You first: I’ll scream after we get them to the hospital.

Story 605: The Hunt for Halloween Retail

             (In a warehouse store, Customer 1 intensely searches through the Halloween displays, going up and down the many aisles with an increasingly furrowed brow)

Customer 1: (Muttering) No – (Another aisle) That’s not it – (Another aisle) Not there – (Another aisle) No – no – no – no –

Employee 1: (Pauses after adding extra broomsticks to a bin at the end of the last aisle as Customer 1 is about to WHOOSH! by) Dooooo you need help finding anything?

Customer 1: (Whirls on Employee 1) Yes: you may regret you asked –

Employee 1: I already do, but go ahead.

Customer 1: I’m looking for something extremely specific, and the company’s site said this was the only store in 700 miles that had it, which is the only reason I left the house today.  (Holds up a phone displaying the incriminating evidence of “In Stock: 2”) It’s the FrankenWolfWitch Door Hanger, and I irrationally MUST HAVE IT.

Employee 1: (Peers closer at the display and grumbles) Traitor online inventory tracking.

Customer 1: I sympathize, but knowledge gained can’t be unlearned or something like that, so how about it?

Employee 1: (Starts typing on a handheld device) Yeah, it’s just that all our Halloween inventory should be out by now, so if you didn’t see it on any of the shelves then it’s Somewhere Else, which never ends well.  (Reads the results) OK, it’s supposed to be in Aisle 17, Bay 6, Shelf 3 – let’s go find out.

Customer 1: By all means: lead the way!                                  

(They arrive at Aisle 17, Bay 6, Shelf 3 and are greeted by a sign for the item with a giant empty space below that)

Customer 1: Figures.

Employee 1: (Attaches the device back onto a utility belt) OK, time for Phase 2.  (Crouches down and pulls out a large drawer full of overstock at the bottom of the bay)

Customer 1: Ooh, mysterious.

Employee 1: (Starts tossing out items backward over shoulders; Customer 1 dodges and ducks) Nope – not it – not even close – how’d this get in here?  (Tosses back a Santa Claus pillow)

Customer 1: (Catching the pillow and holding it close) Maybe it’s kept in the back, or it got put in the wrong spot?  I think it’d be too big for that drawer.

Employee 1: (Turns and stares balefully at Customer 1 for several seconds) You’re absolutely right.  (Stands, kicks the drawer shut, ignores the items now lying all over the floor, leaves the aisle, goes to a nearby back wall, and pulls on it to reveal racks with even more overstock in a darkened space)

Customer 1: (Follows to the edge of the open wall, still holding the pillow) I feel like I’m not supposed to be seeing this.

Employee 1: (Rummaging deeper into the overstock) You’re technically not, but I don’t really care at this point.  (Gets pulled deeper into the abyss) C’mon out, you little dweeb….

Supervisor: (Starts to pass by, backtracks to stare into the gaping hole in the wall, then turns to Customer 1) Dooooo you need help finding anything?

Customer 1: (Flinches as a large item crashes inside) I’m being helped, thank you.

Employee 1: (Stumbles out of the wall; to Supervisor) Yes!  Yes, you can help – we’re looking for FrankenWolfWitch!

Supervisor: Sorry, the what?

Customer 1 and Employee 1: (Holding up their devices) Here.

Supervisor: (Quickly glances at both) Oh, that.  Did you check the overstock drawer?

Employee 1: But of course!

Supervisor: OK, maybe it’s up top, then.

Customer 1: Up… top?  (Supervisor and Employee 1 point to the very tops of the towering shelves; Customer 1 stares up for a few moments, then turns back to both) You know, I don’t really need –

Employee 1: (Pulling on heavy-duty work gloves as Supervisor makes a call) Oh no: computer says it’s in stock, and by golly, we are tracking it down if it’s the last thing we do!  Before closing tonight.

Customer 1: Honestly, you’ve gone through more than enough trouble, I can just order it online –

Employee 1: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

(An enormous forklift turns a corner and slowly motors over to the group)

Manager: (Wearing a hard hat, drives the forklift to a stop by the aisle of Halloween shelves originally searched) You rang?

Employee 1: Yes, thank you!   (Grabs a hard hat being held out by Manager, hops onto the forks, and points to the top of the shelves) Take me up!  (Is lifted extremely high into the air)

Customer 1: (Holding the Santa Claus pillow tightly while watching Employee 1) This seems a bit dangerous….

Manager: (Monitoring the progress of Employee 1’s ascent) Nah, everyone here loves this stuff; breaks up the shift.  What’re you folks looking for, anyway?

Customer 1 and Supervisor: (Heads tilting back farther and farther) FrankenWolfWitch.

Manager: (Head also tilts back farther and farther) Heh, you don’t know how many times I’ve written corporate and the manufacturer to change the name of that thing – Frankenstein was the name of the scientist, not the creature, but nobody wants to hear it.

Customer 1: Well, “Creature” is too generic and people probably wouldn’t know which one it meant.

Supervisor: Yeah, and “FrankenCreatureWolfWitch” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

Manager: I know, I know; still.  It bothers me.

(Manager stops the ascending forks for Employee 1 to step off those and onto the top of the shelf)

Customer 2: (Passing by with a shopping cart full of items and rowdy children, and glancing up at Employee 1 for a moment; to Customer 1, while leaving) Whatever it is, it isn’t worth it.

Customer 1: I’m starting to feel that way, but they’ve all put in so much effort already.

Employee 2: (Comes over to look up at Employee 1; addresses Supervisor while neither one looks away from the search above) Does this mean we all have to stay late tonight?

Supervisor: Probably.

Employee 2: Drat.  (Cups mouth to shout up at Employee 1) You can do it!  We believe in you!

Employee 1: (Faintly from above) Thank you!

(Other customers and employees join the crowd to watch)

Customer 3: (To Manager) Hey, since you have that thing out, could you grab the last pack of paper towels at the top of the shelf at the front of the store?

Manager: (Not looking away from Employee 1) Not right now, I’m spotting my team member.

Customer 3: Oh.  OK.  (While walking away) Probably could make that climb, I’m still fit….

Manager: (Takes out a megaphone and points it upward to speak) How’s it going up there?

Employee 1: Any… minute… now….

Customer 4: (Shouts up from the back of the crowd) Could you also toss down another scarecrow if you see it, please?  The ones down here are all messed up!  (Several seconds later, a scarecrow soars off the top of the shelf and floats down into Customer 4’s arms) Thank – you!  (Tosses it into a shopping cart and rushes away)

Manager: (On the megaphone again) Need me to bring you over to another aisle?

Employee 1: I don’t think – wait – wait – I GOT IT!  (Holds up FrankenWolfWitch in triumph as the crowd below cheers and applauds)

Customer 1: (Clapping around the pillow, blinking around tears) It’s a Halloween miracle!

(Employee 1 hops onto the forks and holds on with one hand while being lowered back down to ground level by Manager)

Employee 1: (Hops off the forks to cheers, applause, and approving whistles, and formally presents the FrankenWolfWitch Door Hanger to Customer 1) As requested.

Customer 1: (Tosses the pillow to another customer, who puts it into their own shopping cart, and hugs the door hanger) Oh, thank you, thank you!  You’ve truly gone above and beyond!

Employee 1: (Bows to the crowd) All in a day’s work, my good people!

Manager: (Exits the forklift; to the crowd) Yes, yes, I train all our team members personally.

Supervisor: (Looking down at a handheld device; back up to Employee 1) Hey, so, where’s the other one?

(A sudden silence descends upon the crowd)

Employee 1: …What?

Supervisor: It says “In Stock: 2”, so where’s the other one?

Employee 1: ….

Supervisor: ….

Manager: ….

Customers: ….

Employee 1: …The store ghost must’ve taken it.

Crowd: (In understanding) Ahhhhh….

Customer 1: (Shakes head) Typical.

Story 598: Retail Time Vs. Real-World Time

            (In a department store full of vacationing children, suffering parents/guardians, and irritated regulars, Shopper enters pushing a cart and whistling happily while zigzagging through the crowds)

Shopper: Ahhhhh…. Nothing beats coming into an air-conditioned store on a hot summer’s day.  Except maybe going to the beach.  Or a pool.  Or staying at home.  Or – ooh, slushies!  (Diverts to the front-and-center slushy counter and orders the biggest size to nurse throughout the store) Ahhhhh…. Nothing beats a freezing, sugary drink in an air-conditioned store on a hot summer’s – (Nearly chokes on the slushy when entering an open space filled with “BACK TO SCHOOL!” displays) What horror is this?!  It’s only July!

Employee: (Slowly passing by with a cart full of tried-on clothes to reshelve) You’re telling me – we had to put all these up by 4^th of July weekend.

Shopper: (Whispers at Employee’s steadily retreating form) Madness.  (Turns back to one of the displays, stares at the notebooks, pens, pencils, backpacks, and lunchboxes waiting eagerly to be brought to school, then shakes head to snap out of it and mutters while turning the cart around) It’s OK – it can’t hurt you – you haven’t had to go back to school in over 20 years –that’s mildly depressing….

(Shopper forces the cart away from the gravitational pull of school supplies and merrily rolls along, ignoring the clearance swimwear and beach gear, and turns a corner to stare down a long aisle)

Shopper: WHAT THE BLAZES IS THIS?!

(Halloween decorations and costumes fill the entire aisle, both sides)

Motion-Sensor Giant Werewolf: (Looms over Shopper entering the aisle) Beware the full moon, beware the setting sun, beware the bubbling cauldron, beware the grave, ahahahaha!

Shopper: I think you’re a little confused there, creep.  (To the rest of the aisle, some parts of which are moving) I can’t face your torments right now – begone!  (Nothing changes) Oh right, I’m the one who has to leave.  (Maneuvers the cart to the next aisle and starts to go down it)

Motion-Sensor Giant Turkey: (Looms over Shopper entering the aisle) Hi there!  This is Tom Turkey wishing you and yours a Happy Thanks– !

Shopper: Nope!  (Immediately turns around to leave the aisle and runs with the cart as fast as possible through the human obstacle course in the store’s main thoroughfare until reaching the end, then sharply turns and heads down that aisle to reach the back corner of the store, sipping the slushy the entire way)

Shopper: (Noisily slurping the bottom of the cup while turning the corner at the back of the store) Safe at last, safe at –

Winter Wonderland: JINGLE BELLS/ JINGLE BELLS/ JINGLE ALL THE –

Shopper: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  (Flings away the empty cup, abandons the cart, and somehow avoids collisions while running through the crowds and back out the main entrance into the hot summer’s day) No one will take summer away from me – NO ONE!!! 

Employee: (Watching while still slowly pushing the cart of clothes; softly) Wish I could join you….