Story 524: Puzzle Revenge

            (In an office conference room, Employee 1 concludes a slide presentation)

Employee 1: And so, if we follow this plan exactly as-is with absolutely no margin for error, by next quarter we will have transformed seamlessly from a trillion-dollar company into a quadrillion-dollar company!  And then, it’s only a matter of time until we hit the quintillion-dollar category, but why dream small?!  (Closes down the presenting screen and bows slightly) I thank you for your time and attention.

(Manager and five of the attendees stare in shock for several moments, then simultaneously stand and burst into applause with a few approving whistles thrown in for good measure)

Manager: (Still clapping, with tears streaming) That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life!

Employee 1: (Ducks head bashfully) Aw shucks; thank you.

Manager: (Approaches Employee 1 to pat the latter on the shoulder) I can see now that you’re really going places, kid – keep up the good work!

Employee 1: Thanks!  I sure will!  (Starts cleaning up notes as Manager and the five attendees leave the conference room)

Attendee 1: (Voice in the hall) We’re gonna be rich!

Attendee 2: (Voice in the hall) – er!

Attendee 1: (Cackles) Rich – er!

(The multiple cackling fades away as Employee 1 smiles to self, then suddenly looks up as a slow clap begins at the far end of the conference table)

Employee 2: (To the sound of each clap) Well – well – well.  (Stops the clap to sit up straighter) Look who’s made it to –

Employee 1: (Had started speaking at the same time) Oh, you’re still here?

Employee 2: What?

Employee 1: Sorry; go ahead.

Employee 2. Well, now my timing’s all thrown off and I forgot what I was going to lead with.

Employee 1: You started at “Well – well – well”; does that help?

Employee 2: Ah!  Yes, thank you.  (Leans back in the chair, steeples fingers, smirks smugly, and clears throat) Well – well – well.  Look who’s made it to the big time.

Employee 1: Oh, yes indeed – I thought the presentation went well, don’t you?

Employee 2: (Drops the hands and the smirk) That entire presentation was MINE!

Employee 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Oh right, it was.  Great job; it really conveyed the information clearly.

Employee 2: Why, thank you – thief!

Employee 1: Huh?

Employee 2: I created that presentation, not you!

Employee 1: We established that, yes?

Employee 2: So you copied the files from the shared drive and just now passed off all my hard work as your own!

Employee 1: Yes?

Employee 2: …So that’s stealing and wrong!

Employee 1: (Thinks for a few more seconds, shrugs, finishes collecting the papers and the laptop, and begins to leave) If you say so.

Employee 2: (Leaps out of the chair to dart into Employee 1’s path) Anyone would say so!  I know I can’t prove it to your new fan club out there, but don’t worry – (Voice drops to a deadly whisper) I will have my revenge.

Employee 1: Sounds great; see you at the team-building event this afternoon, yeah?  (Walks around Employee 2 and exits the conference room, whistling)

Employee 2: (Turns to stare with narrowed eyes at the retreating figure) What a diabolical ditz….

THE NEXT MORNING

(Employee 1 is at home eating breakfast and hears a thud at the front door; opening it, a courier is seen running down the driveway to the parked truck and then driving off)

Employee1: (Shakes head) Just like “The Elves and the Shoemaker”.  (Looks down and sees a package that had been tossed against the front door, then brings it inside, opens it at the kitchen table, takes out a card that reads “To My Mortal Frenemy – May This Bring Many Hours of Non-Enjoyment, BWAHAHAHAHA (imagine a supervillain’s evil laughter with that last bit)!  Signed, You-Better-Know-Who”, and lays down the card to think) I wonder who that could be?  (Shrugs, then takes out another box from inside the package and sees that it is a small puzzle with 13 pieces; reads the photo-less cover) “Millions of possibilities – can you wrestle out the right one?”  Well, yes, this clearly is meant to be completed by an infant.  (Opens the box and quickly flips over the pieces) Aw, it’s a bunch of frolicking butterflies – easy-peasy.  (Within five minutes, assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –

ONE WEEK LATER

(Employee 2 cheerfully raps on Employee 1’s front door; after several minutes of repeated rapping, Employee 1 opens the door appearing extremely haggard and wearing the same outfit as in the previous week)

Employee 1: (Voice creaky from disuse) Hello?

Employee 2: (Barely containing glee) Since you clearly haven’t checked your messages, I volunteered to come and tell you that you’ve been fired for violating the company’s job abandonment policy – however, upper management loved “your” presentation so much they’re willing to take you back if you agree to make that project your sole priority in life for the next five years, minimum.  I also graciously volunteered to assist you with all that.  (Employee 1 stares blankly at Employee 2, who chokes down a laugh) On a related note, I assume you got my… present?

Employee 1: (Finally stirs) Oh, that was from you?  Yes, I’ve had a devil of a time trying to get these blasted butterflies to fit together – every time I think I’ve got the thing solved, a head suddenly doesn’t match a thorax, or a wing’s slightly off.

Employee 2: Dear me, that does sound like a pickle.

Employee 1: Would you like to check it out?  I don’t mine someone else taking all the glory at this point.

Employee 2: (Mutters) That’d be a first.

Employee 1: What was that?

Employee 2: I would be delighted.  (They both enter the kitchen and sit at opposite sides of the table; Employee 1 takes apart the puzzle and within five minutes Employee 2 assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –

TWELVE HOURS LATER

Employee 2: Oh, wait –

Employee 1: (Awakens from a doze) You know, I just now understand the message you sent, that this – (Gestures at the puzzle) is meant to drive me bonkers as a sort of revenge for stealing your work.  (Nods thoughtfully) Most effective, I must say.

Employee 2: (Blearily looks up at Employee 1) Yes: it seems in my quest for vengeance, I have become a monster.  Didn’t see that coming.

Employee 1: Hm.... Have another go?

Employee 2: (Takes apart the puzzle) Of course.

Story 250: Irritation Conquers Fear

            “So, uh, as you’ll see in this next slide, um, just a second, there – uh, yes, um, you can see our sales went down a bit last month, but, uh, they’ve [gulp] been, uh, trending upward, and – yes?”

            “What accounted for the dip in July?”

            “Uh... that was when Store 220 was, um, closed.  Temporarily.”

            “Sorry, what?  I couldn’t hear you.”

            “I said, uh, Store 220 was closed.  Temp – ”

            “Store 220 closed?!”

            “N-no, it was just temp-temp-”

            “Oh right, the whole rat infestation thing, never mind.  What were you going to say?”

            “Uh….”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it – I’ve been giving these presentations every quarter for the past five years and every time I get up there my throat closes up, the sweat pours out, and my mind shuts down!  And when they know you’re nervous, they pounce all over you!”

            “That stinks – I’d’ve figured you’d gotten used to doing those things by now.”

            “Yes, thank you for reminding me.  Five years, and I still have no idea how I can face the next one.  Or the next, or the next, until I’m either dead or fired.”

            “Wanna try hypnotism?”

            “Eh, I don’t know, I – yes.  Yes, I’ll try anything.  I don’t care if it’s baloney; if I believe it’s real, it’s real.  You think it’ll relax me?”

            “Nah, you don’t want to be relaxed, that’ll put you off your game.  You want to be annoyed.”

            “What?  Why would I want that?  I just want to conquer my fear of public speaking, like all the greats.”

            “Exactly.  And the only thing stronger than fear is anger.”

            “I thought it was love?”

            “I’m not talking about a world peace scenario; I’m talking about irritation being the only thing that triumphs over the jitters, short of not having them in the first place.  I’m talking about having self-confidence without looking like you had to work for it.  Sprezzatura – the art of appearing artless.  Only in your case, it’ll be for real because you’ll have been brainwashed into it.”

            “So how does me being irritated keep me from passing out up there?”

            “Because then you’re not worrying about putting on a good show and hoping to impress your betters; you’re focusing on getting the whole thing over with `cause you have better things to do with your time than explain things to simpletons.  The fear will have no hold over you, you’ll be free, and your bosses’ll love your new leadership attitude.”

            “I don’t know; it sounds like replacing one negative with another.”

          “You want to keep dying on stage for the rest of your life, or do you want to defeat your demons and possibly become CEO one day?”

            “Give me the quack’s phone number.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “This next slide – not working again, would someone call I.T.? – anyway, it was a graph of budgeted vs. actual returns, and we’re exceeding the former by over 20% in all domains.  OK it’s back; now, on this slide you can see – ”

            “Wait a minute, why does this show us not reaching our targets?”

          “[Sigh] Because this is showing our numbers from 2017.  I was about to say that, in comparison with last year, we’ve improved net sales by 43% year-to-date.  Now, I’d love to stay and answer any questions you may have, but I’ve got another meeting coming up so please send me an e-mail instead.”

            “I just have one – ”

            “Thank you!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “It was amazing!  I flew through the slides and flew on out of there – I think I was done in record time!  Plus, whenever something interrupted me, I wrestled it into submission without once having the urge to dissolve into a pile of quivering goo!  And on top of all that, my boss offered me a promotion today to Assistant Manager, and he’s barely said two words to me since I was hired!  I’ve finally made it to the big time!”

            “That’s great.  What’s with the stress ball?”

            “Oh, it’s just that lately every single thing is getting on my last nerve.  Everything moves too slowly, or there’re mistakes everywhere, or it’s all a waste of time, or it’s losing the company tons of money, or – ooh, I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it!”

            “I see.  Wanna try hypnotism?”