Employee 1: And so, if we follow this plan exactly as-is with absolutely no margin for error, by next quarter we will have transformed seamlessly from a trillion-dollar company into a quadrillion-dollar company! And then, it’s only a matter of time until we hit the quintillion-dollar category, but why dream small?! (Closes down the presenting screen and bows slightly) I thank you for your time and attention.
(Manager and five of the attendees stare in shock for several moments, then simultaneously stand and burst into applause with a few approving whistles thrown in for good measure)
Manager: (Still clapping, with tears streaming) That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life!
Employee 1: (Ducks head bashfully) Aw shucks; thank you.
Manager: (Approaches Employee 1 to pat the latter on the shoulder) I can see now that you’re really going places, kid – keep up the good work!
Employee 1: Thanks! I sure will! (Starts cleaning up notes as Manager and the five attendees leave the conference room)
Attendee 1: (Voice in the hall) We’re gonna be rich!
Attendee 2: (Voice in the hall) – er!
Attendee 1: (Cackles) Rich – er!
(The multiple cackling fades away as Employee 1 smiles to self, then suddenly looks up as a slow clap begins at the far end of the conference table)
Employee 2: (To the sound of each clap) Well – well – well. (Stops the clap to sit up straighter) Look who’s made it to –
Employee 1: (Had started speaking at the same time) Oh, you’re still here?
Employee 2: What?
Employee 1: Sorry; go ahead.
Employee 2. Well, now my timing’s all thrown off and I forgot what I was going to lead with.
Employee 1: You started at “Well – well – well”; does that help?
Employee 2: Ah! Yes, thank you. (Leans back in the chair, steeples fingers, smirks smugly, and clears throat) Well – well – well. Look who’s made it to the big time.
Employee 1: Oh, yes indeed – I thought the presentation went well, don’t you?
Employee 2: (Drops the hands and the smirk) That entire presentation was MINE!
Employee 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Oh right, it was. Great job; it really conveyed the information clearly.
Employee 2: Why, thank you – thief!
Employee 1: Huh?
Employee 2: I created that presentation, not you!
Employee 1: We established that, yes?
Employee 2: So you copied the files from the shared drive and just now passed off all my hard work as your own!
Employee 1: Yes?
Employee 2: …So that’s stealing and wrong!
Employee 1: (Thinks for a few more seconds, shrugs, finishes collecting the papers and the laptop, and begins to leave) If you say so.
Employee 2: (Leaps out of the chair to dart into Employee 1’s path) Anyone would say so! I know I can’t prove it to your new fan club out there, but don’t worry – (Voice drops to a deadly whisper) I will have my revenge.
Employee 1: Sounds great; see you at the team-building event this afternoon, yeah? (Walks around Employee 2 and exits the conference room, whistling)
Employee
2: (Turns to stare with narrowed eyes at the retreating figure) What a diabolical
ditz….
THE
NEXT MORNING
(Employee 1 is at home eating breakfast and hears a thud at the front door; opening it, a courier is seen running down the driveway to the parked truck and then driving off)
Employee1:
(Shakes head) Just like “The Elves and the Shoemaker”. (Looks down and sees a package that had been
tossed against the front door, then brings it inside, opens it at the kitchen
table, takes out a card that reads “To My Mortal Frenemy – May This Bring Many
Hours of Non-Enjoyment, BWAHAHAHAHA (imagine a supervillain’s evil laughter with
that last bit)! Signed,
You-Better-Know-Who”, and lays down the card to think) I wonder who that could
be? (Shrugs, then takes out another box
from inside the package and sees that it is a small puzzle with 13 pieces; reads
the photo-less cover) “Millions of possibilities – can you wrestle out the
right one?” Well, yes, this clearly is
meant to be completed by an infant.
(Opens the box and quickly flips over the pieces) Aw, it’s a bunch of frolicking
butterflies – easy-peasy. (Within five
minutes, assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match. (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11
pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.
(Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –
ONE
WEEK LATER
(Employee 2 cheerfully raps on Employee 1’s front door; after several minutes of repeated rapping, Employee 1 opens the door appearing extremely haggard and wearing the same outfit as in the previous week)
Employee 1: (Voice creaky from disuse) Hello?
Employee 2: (Barely containing glee) Since you clearly haven’t checked your messages, I volunteered to come and tell you that you’ve been fired for violating the company’s job abandonment policy – however, upper management loved “your” presentation so much they’re willing to take you back if you agree to make that project your sole priority in life for the next five years, minimum. I also graciously volunteered to assist you with all that. (Employee 1 stares blankly at Employee 2, who chokes down a laugh) On a related note, I assume you got my… present?
Employee 1: (Finally stirs) Oh, that was from you? Yes, I’ve had a devil of a time trying to get these blasted butterflies to fit together – every time I think I’ve got the thing solved, a head suddenly doesn’t match a thorax, or a wing’s slightly off.
Employee 2: Dear me, that does sound like a pickle.
Employee 1: Would you like to check it out? I don’t mine someone else taking all the glory at this point.
Employee 2: (Mutters) That’d be a first.
Employee 1: What was that?
Employee
2: I would be delighted. (They both
enter the kitchen and sit at opposite sides of the table; Employee 1 takes
apart the puzzle and within five minutes Employee 2 assembles 11 pieces) Oh,
wait, these two don’t match. (Takes
apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –
TWELVE
HOURS LATER
Employee 2: Oh, wait –
Employee 1: (Awakens from a doze) You know, I just now understand the message you sent, that this – (Gestures at the puzzle) is meant to drive me bonkers as a sort of revenge for stealing your work. (Nods thoughtfully) Most effective, I must say.
Employee 2: (Blearily looks up at Employee 1) Yes: it seems in my quest for vengeance, I have become a monster. Didn’t see that coming.
Employee 1: Hm.... Have another go?
Employee 2: (Takes apart the puzzle) Of course.
