(At a local farm temporarily converted into a Halloween/Autumn Extravaganza, Friend 1 and Friend 2 follow several groups of families and friends to a corn maze entrance in the late afternoon)
Friend 1: (To Friend 2 as they wait on the steadily moving line) You sure you don’t want to do this one with me? I doubt it’s much trickier than the haunted barn we just went through.
Friend 2: Yes, I’m still trying to figure out how we managed to get turned around in there when it’s only one way – that demonic sorceress and rabid wolf-man were helpful in guiding us to the emergency exit, though.
Friend 1: Hey, it’s not my fault there’s barely any light in those things and the glow-in-the-dark paint only makes it worse. The screaming teenagers didn’t help my concentration, either.
Friend 2: Yeah, all that stuff’s kind of the point. So, you go have fun not learning your lesson and getting lost in an even bigger space that’s an actual maze this time – I’m exiting through the gift shop and stocking up on the pumpkins and lawn ornaments I forgot to get this year until literally days before Halloween.
Friend 1: Sucker: these places always get you with their unnecessary tchotchkes that no one can live without. (Checks watch) Whelp, this place closes in about half an hour so if I don’t come out in 20 minutes, send in the search party, heh-heh.
Friend 2: You’re hilarious. (Squints at the setting Sun that is deceptively high in the sky) At least it’s still sunny now this time of year, so it shouldn’t be too “scary” in there.
Friend 1: Yeah. (Briefly removes cap to wipe sweat off brow) Although the 80° F weather right before November is probably the scariest part of this whole outing.
Employee: (Dressed as a killer accountant and taking tickets from customers as they enter the corn maze) Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare….
Friend 1: (Hands over ticket) Of course I dare, I forked over $5 for the pleasure of getting temporarily lost, didn’t I?
Employee: Well, if you’d like to do the speed run, take the first right and after a few turns in either direction keep the highway on your right to make your way back; if you want total immersion, take the aisle ahead allllllllll the way to the end and then try to make your way back… IF YOU DARE!
Friend 1: I already said – !
Employee: Sorry; I got a limited script to work with here. Maze is only one square mile so I suggest doing the longer version to get your money’s worth.
Friend 1: Thanks! (To Friend 2 while walking backward down the long aisle, surrounded by high cornstalks) And you never saw me again…. (Disappears behind leaves and ears)
Employee: (Cups mouth to shout) And don’t eat any of the corn, please!
Friend 2: Seriously, people do that?
Employee:
Trust me, people do anything.
TWENTY
MINUTES LATER
(Friend 2 wheels a cart filled with pumpkins and decorations to the corn maze entrance)
Friend 2: (To Employee who is packing up gear) Excuse me, did you happen to see if my friend left a little while ago or is still in there?
Employee: Nope, and everybody’s out.
Friend 2: That can’t be right; this place isn’t that big and no one was at the car for me to dump all this stuff off.
Employee: (Checks counter) Hmmmmm… must have miscounted…. (Looks down at accountant costume) Now that’s ironic.
Friend 2: (Sighs, sets down the cart, takes out a phone, and selects a contact) Unbelievable – would get lost trying to get out of a paper bag. (Listens to phone ringing on the other end)
Friend 1: (Voice) Hey, what’s up?
Friend 2: You’re lost in there, aren’t you.
Friend 1: (Voice) …Noooooo….
Friend 2: You went into that thing in broad daylight, and giggling children made it out of there faster.
Friend 1: (Standing in the center of the corn maze with five different openings radiating outward) I seem to have been sucked into The Labyrinth – which path should I choose…?
Friend 2: Oh for crying out loud – (To Employee) Is there a shortcut in this thing?
Employee: Uhhhh.... (Looks warily and the lower Sun) They don’t want us in there after dark.
Friend 2: I’m sure your bosses also don’t want the bad publicity of a lost customer making a scene in the super-easy maze!
Employee: I’m not talking about my bosses; I’m talking about – (Points to the darkening cornfield) Them.
Friend2: You can drop the act, it’s almost closing time.
Employee: Oh no, I am deadly serious. `Twas the bargain made, for us mortals to use the cornfield for the amusement of the kiddies. Rule #1: DO NOT EAT THE CORN.
Friend 2: Oh, jeez.
Employee: And Rule #2: DO NOT REMAIN AMONGST THE CORN AFTER SUNSET.
Friend 2: Well, we’re in luck, `cause sunset’s not for another hour thanks to the perennial nuisance Daylight Savings Time being scheduled later than it used to in years past.
Employee: (Thinks on this) Oh, right. Guess that’s still around, huh.
Friend 2: (Whips out a flashlight) Yes! So: I’m going in there to get my idiot designated driver out, and it would be most helpful if you led the way so that we all get out of each others’ lives all the faster!
Friend 1: (Voice) I can still hear you, you know.
Friend 2: (Places phone on speaker and straps it to an armband) Sorry for the name-calling, but this really does take the boneheaded cake.
Friend 1: (Voice) Hey!
Friend 2: (As Employee takes out a flashlight, places a barrier across the maze entrance, and they both enter the maze) Not sorry on that one.
(They navigate through the maze, having to turn on the flashlights several minutes in as their surroundings darken)
Employee: (To Friend 2’s phone) Can you hear the highway to your right or your left?
Friend 1: (Voice) Um, right – no, left – wait, I think it’s behind me – now it’s in front – !
Friend 2: Stop moving!
Friend 1: (Voice) Got it.
Employee: (Nervously checks watch) Ooh, only 53 minutes left….
Friend 2: (Through gritted teeth) Would-you-get-a-grip – ? (A deer suddenly leaps out of nearby cornstalks and dashes across the path in front of them) OH MY GOSH!
Friend 1: (Voice) What? What’s happening? Is the maze taking you?!
Friend 2: No, it was just a sudden deer! Watch out for them now, OK? It’s their dinnertime.
Employee: I guess they’re allowed to eat the corn –
Friend 2: Oh shut it!
(Friend 1 activates the cell phone’s flashlight, then uses it to peer closer at one of the cornstalks)
Friend 1: Wait a minute… I’ve passed this ear before!
(Friend 2 and Employee round a corner and stop on seeing Friend 1)
Friend 2: Ah, finally. (Ends the phone call and Friend 1 does the same) Only you – only you –
Friend 1: (Looking around frantically) Ssh: we’ve got bigger problems.
Friend 2: Yes: your lack of direction, for starters.
Friend 1: No, I mean, I’ve been hearing things in here, rustling things, gnawing things –
Friend 2: Yeah, it’s the deer, eating the corn, let’s go!
Friend 1: (Still looking around) No, not deer; something bigger, hungrier…. (Faces the other two ominously and whispers) We’re not alone in here!
Employee: (In a shrieking whisper) I knew it! It’s THEM! And they’re – (Checks watch) 48 minutes early!
Friend 2: (Moves to a different spot in order to shine the flashlight at the other two) I never thought I would need to use Parent Mode on full-grown adults, but here it is: I am going to count to three, and you are going to start walking as fast as you can back to the entrance before I get to three, got it?! (The other two stare) One! (They run down the path that Friend 2 and Employee originally took) Wow, that really does work. (Follows them at a slower pace, then after several turns stops when seeing their non-moving backs; in an annoyed tone) Why are we stopped?
Employee: I… think I took a wrong turn – or five.
Friend 2: Un – freaking – believable. (Listens for several seconds) All right: the highway’s that way – (Gestures with the flashlight in that direction) I’m going through. (Starts pushing through the cornstalks toward the outer edge of the maze)
Employee: (Gasps in horror) You can’t! The corn!
Friend 2: Bill me! (Peeks head back into the maze; to Friend 1) You coming or what?!
Friend 1: Oh, right. (Follows Friend 2 through the stalks)
Employee: (Hops indecisively from foot-to-foot, then turns toward the sound of loudly rustling cornstalks getting closer, and closer, and closer, and – ) I’m outta here! (Runs through the cornstalks after the other two and falls out of the maze and onto the surrounding grassy field) Forgive meeeee – ! (Thunk)
Friend 2: Oh good, you made it out alive; let’s go before somebody steals my pumpkins if they haven’t already. (Walks toward the abandoned cart and the brightly lit parking lot)
Friend 1: (Helps Employee up from the ground) Well, thanks for coming in after me – I no doubt would’ve made it out eventually, so sorry for the trouble.
Employee: (Keeps looking back at the maze) No trouble – part of the job to find wayward souls…. (Once they are past the maze entrance, Employee grabs Friend 1’s arm and hisses) Now: run for your life and never come back! (Runs to a car and takes off without even clocking out for the day)
Friend 1: (Shrugs, then returns to the car where Friend 2 is waiting with the cart of supplies) Well, that certainly was exciting, wasn’t it?
Friend 2: (As they load up the trunk and then wheel the cart back to where others are parked) Yeah, I’m never going with you to another Halloween event ever again.
Friend 1: Oh, it wasn’t that bad – that employee sure was getting into though, right?
Friend 2: I almost got run over by a deer! That would have been a very real nightmare: I just know my health insurance would never have covered it!
Friend 1: (Winces as they both get into the car and drive to the exit) Sorry about that – I really didn’t think I’d get that lost in such a family-friendly setting. And I’m pretty certain there was something other than deer in there with us.
Friend 2: I admit, you might be right about that: there could’ve been monsters of the human kind in there, which is even worse.
Friend 1: (Begins the long wait to make a left-hand turn onto the busy highway) Yeah: that’s the kind of Halloween scare no one wants.
(Ten minutes later, the car screeches onto the highway between unending waves of two-way traffic as several figures watch from the darkness of the corn maze)
Figure 1: Huh: we almost got some this time.
Figure 2: Well, good thing for them they managed to escape before The Night – staying past operating hours is just plain rude.
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