Story 514: Lost in the Corn Maze… in Broad Daylight

            (At a local farm temporarily converted into a Halloween/Autumn Extravaganza, Friend 1 and Friend 2 follow several groups of families and friends to a corn maze entrance in the late afternoon)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 as they wait on the steadily moving line) You sure you don’t want to do this one with me?  I doubt it’s much trickier than the haunted barn we just went through.

Friend 2: Yes, I’m still trying to figure out how we managed to get turned around in there when it’s only one way – that demonic sorceress and rabid wolf-man were helpful in guiding us to the emergency exit, though.

Friend 1: Hey, it’s not my fault there’s barely any light in those things and the glow-in-the-dark paint only makes it worse.  The screaming teenagers didn’t help my concentration, either.

Friend 2: Yeah, all that stuff’s kind of the point.  So, you go have fun not learning your lesson and getting lost in an even bigger space that’s an actual maze this time – I’m exiting through the gift shop and stocking up on the pumpkins and lawn ornaments I forgot to get this year until literally days before Halloween.

Friend 1: Sucker: these places always get you with their unnecessary tchotchkes that no one can live without.  (Checks watch) Whelp, this place closes in about half an hour so if I don’t come out in 20 minutes, send in the search party, heh-heh.

Friend 2: You’re hilarious.  (Squints at the setting Sun that is deceptively high in the sky) At least it’s still sunny now this time of year, so it shouldn’t be too “scary” in there.

Friend 1: Yeah.  (Briefly removes cap to wipe sweat off brow) Although the 80° F weather right before November is probably the scariest part of this whole outing.

Employee: (Dressed as a killer accountant and taking tickets from customers as they enter the corn maze) Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare….

Friend 1: (Hands over ticket) Of course I dare, I forked over $5 for the pleasure of getting temporarily lost, didn’t I?

Employee: Well, if you’d like to do the speed run, take the first right and after a few turns in either direction keep the highway on your right to make your way back; if you want total immersion, take the aisle ahead allllllllll the way to the end and then try to make your way back… IF YOU DARE!

Friend 1: I already said – !

Employee: Sorry; I got a limited script to work with here.  Maze is only one square mile so I suggest doing the longer version to get your money’s worth.

Friend 1: Thanks!  (To Friend 2 while walking backward down the long aisle, surrounded by high cornstalks) And you never saw me again…. (Disappears behind leaves and ears)

Employee: (Cups mouth to shout) And don’t eat any of the corn, please!

Friend 2: Seriously, people do that?

Employee: Trust me, people do anything.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 2 wheels a cart filled with pumpkins and decorations to the corn maze entrance)

Friend 2: (To Employee who is packing up gear) Excuse me, did you happen to see if my friend left a little while ago or is still in there?

Employee: Nope, and everybody’s out.

Friend 2: That can’t be right; this place isn’t that big and no one was at the car for me to dump all this stuff off.

Employee: (Checks counter) Hmmmmm… must have miscounted…. (Looks down at accountant costume) Now that’s ironic.

Friend 2: (Sighs, sets down the cart, takes out a phone, and selects a contact) Unbelievable – would get lost trying to get out of a paper bag.  (Listens to phone ringing on the other end)

Friend 1: (Voice) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: You’re lost in there, aren’t you.

Friend 1: (Voice) …Noooooo….

Friend 2: You went into that thing in broad daylight, and giggling children made it out of there faster.

Friend 1: (Standing in the center of the corn maze with five different openings radiating outward) I seem to have been sucked into The Labyrinth – which path should I choose…?

Friend 2: Oh for crying out loud – (To Employee) Is there a shortcut in this thing?

Employee: Uhhhh.... (Looks warily and the lower Sun) They don’t want us in there after dark.

Friend 2: I’m sure your bosses also don’t want the bad publicity of a lost customer making a scene in the super-easy maze!

Employee: I’m not talking about my bosses; I’m talking about – (Points to the darkening cornfield) Them.

Friend2: You can drop the act, it’s almost closing time.

Employee: Oh no, I am deadly serious.  `Twas the bargain made, for us mortals to use the cornfield for the amusement of the kiddies.  Rule #1: DO NOT EAT THE CORN.

Friend 2: Oh, jeez.

Employee: And Rule #2: DO NOT REMAIN AMONGST THE CORN AFTER SUNSET.

Friend 2: Well, we’re in luck, `cause sunset’s not for another hour thanks to the perennial nuisance Daylight Savings Time being scheduled later than it used to in years past.

Employee: (Thinks on this) Oh, right.  Guess that’s still around, huh.

Friend 2: (Whips out a flashlight) Yes!  So: I’m going in there to get my idiot designated driver out, and it would be most helpful if you led the way so that we all get out of each others’ lives all the faster!

Friend 1: (Voice) I can still hear you, you know.

Friend 2: (Places phone on speaker and straps it to an armband) Sorry for the name-calling, but this really does take the boneheaded cake.

Friend 1: (Voice) Hey!

Friend 2: (As Employee takes out a flashlight, places a barrier across the maze entrance, and they both enter the maze) Not sorry on that one.

(They navigate through the maze, having to turn on the flashlights several minutes in as their surroundings darken)

Employee: (To Friend 2’s phone) Can you hear the highway to your right or your left?

Friend 1: (Voice) Um, right – no, left – wait, I think it’s behind me – now it’s in front – !

Friend 2: Stop moving!

Friend 1: (Voice) Got it.

Employee: (Nervously checks watch) Ooh, only 53 minutes left….

Friend 2: (Through gritted teeth) Would-you-get-a-grip – ?  (A deer suddenly leaps out of nearby cornstalks and dashes across the path in front of them) OH MY GOSH!

Friend 1: (Voice) What?  What’s happening?  Is the maze taking you?!

Friend 2: No, it was just a sudden deer!  Watch out for them now, OK?  It’s their dinnertime.

Employee: I guess they’re allowed to eat the corn –

Friend 2: Oh shut it!

(Friend 1 activates the cell phone’s flashlight, then uses it to peer closer at one of the cornstalks)

Friend 1: Wait a minute… I’ve passed this ear before!

(Friend 2 and Employee round a corner and stop on seeing Friend 1)

Friend 2: Ah, finally.  (Ends the phone call and Friend 1 does the same) Only you – only you –

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically) Ssh: we’ve got bigger problems.

Friend 2: Yes: your lack of direction, for starters.

Friend 1: No, I mean, I’ve been hearing things in here, rustling things, gnawing things –

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s the deer, eating the corn, let’s go!

Friend 1: (Still looking around) No, not deer; something bigger, hungrier…. (Faces the other two ominously and whispers) We’re not alone in here!

Employee: (In a shrieking whisper) I knew it!  It’s THEM!  And they’re – (Checks watch) 48 minutes early!

Friend 2: (Moves to a different spot in order to shine the flashlight at the other two) I never thought I would need to use Parent Mode on full-grown adults, but here it is: I am going to count to three, and you are going to start walking as fast as you can back to the entrance before I get to three, got it?!  (The other two stare) One!  (They run down the path that Friend 2 and Employee originally took) Wow, that really does work.  (Follows them at a slower pace, then after several turns stops when seeing their non-moving backs; in an annoyed tone) Why are we stopped?

Employee: I… think I took a wrong turn – or five.

Friend 2: Un – freaking – believable.  (Listens for several seconds) All right: the highway’s that way – (Gestures with the flashlight in that direction) I’m going through.  (Starts pushing through the cornstalks toward the outer edge of the maze)

Employee: (Gasps in horror) You can’t!  The corn!

Friend 2: Bill me!  (Peeks head back into the maze; to Friend 1) You coming or what?!

Friend 1: Oh, right.  (Follows Friend 2 through the stalks)

Employee: (Hops indecisively from foot-to-foot, then turns toward the sound of loudly rustling cornstalks getting closer, and closer, and closer, and – ) I’m outta here!  (Runs through the cornstalks after the other two and falls out of the maze and onto the surrounding grassy field) Forgive meeeee – !  (Thunk)

Friend 2: Oh good, you made it out alive; let’s go before somebody steals my pumpkins if they haven’t already.  (Walks toward the abandoned cart and the brightly lit parking lot)

Friend 1: (Helps Employee up from the ground) Well, thanks for coming in after me – I no doubt would’ve made it out eventually, so sorry for the trouble.

Employee: (Keeps looking back at the maze) No trouble – part of the job to find wayward souls…. (Once they are past the maze entrance, Employee grabs Friend 1’s arm and hisses) Now: run for your life and never come back!  (Runs to a car and takes off without even clocking out for the day)

Friend 1: (Shrugs, then returns to the car where Friend 2 is waiting with the cart of supplies) Well, that certainly was exciting, wasn’t it?

Friend 2: (As they load up the trunk and then wheel the cart back to where others are parked) Yeah, I’m never going with you to another Halloween event ever again.

Friend 1: Oh, it wasn’t that bad – that employee sure was getting into though, right?

Friend 2: I almost got run over by a deer!  That would have been a very real nightmare: I just know my health insurance would never have covered it!

Friend 1: (Winces as they both get into the car and drive to the exit) Sorry about that – I really didn’t think I’d get that lost in such a family-friendly setting.  And I’m pretty certain there was something other than deer in there with us.

Friend 2: I admit, you might be right about that: there could’ve been monsters of the human kind in there, which is even worse.

Friend 1: (Begins the long wait to make a left-hand turn onto the busy highway) Yeah: that’s the kind of Halloween scare no one wants.

(Ten minutes later, the car screeches onto the highway between unending waves of two-way traffic as several figures watch from the darkness of the corn maze)

Figure 1: Huh: we almost got some this time.

Figure 2: Well, good thing for them they managed to escape before The Night – staying past operating hours is just plain rude.

Story 383: When Hiking, Know Your Way

 (Friend 1 drives with Friend 2 to a state park on a sunny Sunday morning)

Friend 1: You’re gonna love it: woods, streams, swamps, rocks and tree roots to trip over, steep paths that are nearly vertical – it’s a great workout.

Friend 2: Yeah, I’ll try it out but I’m warning you now, I may not be able to keep up if the trail gets too… challenging.

Friend 1: No worries!  I knew you weren’t ready for the – ahem – experienced black diamond trail yet, so I’m taking you on the wimpy green circle one instead.

Friend 2: Gee, thanks, you’re a pal.

Friend 1: (Slams on the brakes at the parking lot entrance) What is this?!

Friend 2: What, is it closed?

Friend 1: Don’t sound so eager – (Points to a sign) they’re making the hikers park all the way over at the lake today!  Guess this tiny-tiny lot can’t handle all the people who’re suddenly coming here on the weekend.  (Cars behind them blast their horns) All right, all right, you’d’ve stopped too if you were the one who was first!  (Speeds through several winding roads to reach the lake parking lot)

Friend 2: So, what, we just loop around to the back end of the trail from here?

Friend 1: (As they park and then exit the car) I guess; I don’t know, I’ve never had to park here to get on the trails before, I’m all discombobulated!

Friend 2: Calm down; what does the map say?

Friend 1: Huh?  Oh right.  (Whips out a park map and turns it around several times) The lake’s here, so we’re here – no, we’re facing it from here, but the playground is on our right, but on here it looks like it’s on our left – (Keeps turning the map around until Friend 2 snatches it)

Friend 2: Well, a trail starts on the other side of the lake, so we probably should follow those people heading over there on the right and see if we can pick it up from that point.

Friend 1: (Snatches the map back and studies it some more) Never follow some randos on a hike: they’re never going where you want to be, and they leave their litter and unleashed dogs just everywhere.

Friend 2: Now you know that’s not true –

Friend 1: AHA!  (Draws a finger around the lake on the map) If we go that way on the left, it’ll loop around to the trail no problem!  Let’s go.  (Strides purposefully to loop around the left side of the lake)

Friend 2: (Stares wistfully at the scattered groups of people on the right side of the lake, then mutters while following Friend 1) Can always turn around....

(They walk on the path for a few minutes until they reach a picnic area)

Friend 1: (Looks at the map) Hm, this must be new; the only picnic area this is showing around here should either be behind us or on the other side.

Friend 2: (Points at an icon) Is it that site way over there?

Friend 1: No, that’s too far away – we’re over here.  (Points to a different spot)

Friend 2: (Looks at the lake and cars passing by on a nearby road, then points at the map again) Seems like we’re more over here and the trail we want starts way over there –

Friend 1: No sense of direction – onward we go!  (Starts ascending a steep and craggy hill)

Friend 2: You sure about that?  Doesn’t seem like that’s an official path.

Friend 1: Get used to it, `cause there’re tons like this all over – it’s called Nature.

Friend 2: Whatever.

Friend 1: Don’t think I don’t know what you mean by that.  And as long as we have the lake in sight, were on the right track, trust me!  Trailhead should be here any minute!

(They climb up, then down, then up, then down, then – )

Friend 2: We’re circling around the other side of the lake now, you know.

Friend 1: (Looks out at the lake, back at their progress, down at the map, turning it on its side, then back at the lake again) Yep: trailhead should be here any minute!

Friend 2: <Sigh>

(They climb up, then down, then up, then down, then – )

Friend 2: (At the top of a root-riddled hill that Friend 1 had leapt down) I’m not certain this is an actual path meant for human beings!

Friend 1: Oh come on, how else are we supposed to get to the trailhead?!  The rangers obviously cleared it for use, look!  (Sweeps arm above the dirt trail)

Friend 2: For goat use, maybe!  And I’m starting to get tired – I don’t think I can get down there without injury.

Friend 1: Fine, if you can’t jump it just hold onto the tree and scootch your way down!  Either way, we are not turning around and going back the way we came, do you hear me?!

Friend 2: Unfortunately yes.  And you can call 911 when I break something.  (Gingerly steps and slips down the hill while holding onto tree trunks)

Friend 1: There: that wasn’t so bad, now was it?

Friend 2: I almost fell three times!

Friend 1: The balance comes with practice.

(They continue around the other side of the lake and emerge into a sandy clearing: from there, they see other hikers who are coming from the parking lot go around the right side of the lake to where a set of stairs lead into the woods.  Friend 1 follows them to a large display that features a map and holds the paper map up against that)

Friend 1: Oh, I see!  We were parked closer to the other side of the lake, so we should’ve come up this way instead and taken those stairs to a cut-through to the trailhead!  (Friend 2 grabs the paper map and whacks Friend 1 with it) I deserve that.

(They continue along the cut-through path, Friend 2 getting slower and slower)

Friend 1: (Breathes deeply) Ah, the wetlands air is so invigorating!

Friend 2: (Stops to drink mightily from a water bottle) It’s having the opposite effect on me at the moment.

Friend 1: (Places an arm around Friend 2’s shoulders) Isn’t this great, though?  The sense of adventure, without any of the risk of having to blaze a trail ourselves?  Ooh, watch your step.

(Friend 2 almost drops several feet as the elevation abruptly shifts again)

Friend 2: I thought you said this was the wimpy trail?!

Friend 1: It will be: this is just a cut-through to get to it from the lake side.  Looks pretty new, too – I think my map may be a bit out-of-date.

Friend 2: <Grinds teeth>

(They finally arrive at another large wooden display)

Friend 1: Yes!  Success!

Friend 2: (Drooping and gasping for air) What is it?  Did we reach the parking lot again?

Friend 1: Don’t be silly, that’s in the completely opposite direction!  (Spreads arms wide towards the display) This is it!

Friend 2: “It?”

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2) The trailhead!  We made it, at last!  Our hike can finally begin!  (Friend 2 slumps over to a nearby bench and tips forward to lie down on it; Friend 1 lowers arms and turns back to the display) Right: give you a minute.

Story 382: What Was Lost Will Be Found – After You’ve Replaced It

In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, The Little Plastic Card waited until The Human was distracted just enough, and one day saw its chance at last.

“Yippee!”  The Little Plastic Card cried for joy while hopping out of The Wallet – the other Cards there rejoiced at their fellow’s good fortune.

“Hurray!” they cheered.  “Fly, my friend!”  “Don’t look back!”  “Take me with you!”

The Little Plastic Card, reveling in newfound freedom, took the time to rest in the dark space where it had alighted – it knew it had at least a day before The Human realized something was amiss(-ing).

“Aaaaaaahhhhhh….”  The Little Plastic Card enjoyed the smooth ride on the back seat floor mat as The Human obliviously commuted to and from work.

 TWO NIGHTS LATER

The Little Plastic Card had just curled up in a blanket on the back seat when The Gum Wrapper popped around the driver’s seat cushion.

“Hey,” it said as an intro.  “You might want to start thinking about relocating soon.”

“How’s that?”

“Word is The Human’s due to go food shopping tomorrow – that’s when you’re usually taken out to do your thing, right?”

“Oh no, that’s tomorrow already?  How could I’ve lost track of the time?”

“Understandable; they’re the ones obsessed with time, what do we need stuff like watches and calendars for?  So, you might wanna skedaddle outta here before then, `cause when The Human takes out The Wallet to pay and sees you’re gone this’ll be the first place they’ll start looking.”

The Little Plastic Card seriously reflected upon this bit of news.  “Thank you so much for the warning, my friend.  If I may ask, how did you come to find out about this?”

“I heard the other Cards in The Wallet talking today while I was still in the pants pocket.”

The Little Plastic Card planned throughout the night, and by the morning was ready: when The Human opened the driver’s side door and slid onto the seat, The Little Plastic Card quickly ducked between the feet and landed on the ground – the timing was perfect.

Watching the car drive away, The Little Plastic Card waited until that was out of sight before making its way to The Human’s townhouse.  The front door had just enough of a gap at the bottom for one as flat as The Little Plastic Card to slide through, and it did so with little effort.  Surveying the empty home, The Little Plastic Card felt that sense of satisfaction when faced with abundance and hardly knowing where to begin.

“The bathroom, I think – I’ve never seen it…. Ooh, somebody hasn’t swept the floor lately.”

 THREE DAYS LATER

 “Yeah, I know I should call the bank, but it’s not stolen, I just can’t find it!”  The Human was surrounded by an array of Stuff pulled out of the bedroom closet, frantically turning out pockets while talking on the phone.  “Well it didn’t just hop out of my wallet so it’s gotta be here somewhere!”

“Hee-hee-hee!”  The Little Plastic Card stealthily made its way from the bedroom to the living room as The Human shouted: “That was the first place I looked!”

“You know,” A Sock under the couch chimed in while The Little Plastic Card climbed up an arm cushion, “The Human’s gonna have to replace you soon, out of necessity.  I’m surprised it hasn’t already happened by now, quite frankly.”

“Good – I’m enjoying retirement!”  The Little Plastic Card bounced from pillow to pillow.

“If you change your mind though, and you’re found after the new card comes in, The Human’ll have been instructed to destroy you.”

The Little Plastic Card froze in mid-bounce: “Oh.  Maybe I should let myself be found now, you think?”

“Depends on what you want out of life.  Me, I’m happy here with the lint and the mites; it’s rather peaceful.  My other half at the time didn’t fare so well: tossed unceremoniously into the garbage can once my absence was noted.  I’ll wind up there one day too, as soon as under here’s actually cleaned, but I figure I’ve got years yet, and garbage’s not so bad.  Least I’ll be in one piece; you’ll be all cut up.”

“You make a good point.”  The Little Plastic Card pondered how best to proceed until The Human wandered into the room, still on the phone.

“Hi, I have an account there and need to replace my debit card – ”

The Little Plastic Card dove between the cushions.

 FIVE YEARS LATER

 Around 2:30 a.m., The Human took out a kettle that had not been used in ages; on bringing it to the sink, a flash at the bottom caught the eye.  Holding the kettle higher in the air, The Human saw The Little Plastic Card affixed to the bottom.

“How on Earth – ?”

The Little Plastic Card separated itself from the kettle and scurried off to the laundry room: “Yippee!”

The Human stared after it, then back to the bottom of the kettle: “Huh, they were right: lack of sleep really does mess you up.”

Story 359: All Roads Lead to I-Don’t-Know-Where

          (At an office, Friend 2 types frantically while darting glances at the time in the lower right-hand corner of the computer monitor)

           Friend 2: There’s still time – (Type-type-type-type) I can make it – (Type-type-type-E-mail Alert – asdfghjkl;) Guess that settles that.  (Pulls out a cell phone, selects one of the contacts, and props the phone against an ear while resuming typing)

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Yeah, what’s up?

            Friend 2: [Disgusted sigh]

            Friend 1: That sounds like a work-related disgusted sigh.

            Friend 2: You’d be right. I hate doing this to you, but I’m gonna have to cancel for tonight: I’ve been bombarded with requests all day in multiple media, and just now I got a notice for something that has to be done before tomorrow so I’m gonna be here for at least another two hours finishing all this up.  It’s as if I did NOTHING ALL DAY LONG!  Sorry.

            Friend 1: Don’t be – I completely understand and refuse to join the treadmill you’re on.  Hope you don’t mind if I go ahead and check out this place tonight anyway?  `Cause I’ve been kind of looking forward to it.

            Friend 2: No, please, go have a blast.  The whole area sounds pretty neat; what’s it called again, a mall town?

            Friend 1: The term is “metroburb.”  And I’ll really just be going to the pop-up drive-in movie theater, but I also might check out some of the trendy office-stores in the main building and drive through the carbon copy housing developments just to freak out the neighbors.

            Friend 2: (Backspacing an entire paragraph) That’s great – I’ll still give you money for the movie ticket, though.

          Friend 1: Then you’d be giving me $0; it was a freebie from… something apparently not important enough for my brain to remember.

              Friend 2: OK, thanks.  And call me later and let me know what it all was like there.

              Friend 1: But of course.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (In an office breakroom)

            Coworker 1: (To Friend 2) You look tired.

            Friend 2: (Stares balefully at Coworker 1) When is it ever a good time to tell that to someone?

            Coworker 1: Thought it sounded sympathetic.

          Friend 2: It would, if you weren’t the cause of all my late nights this week!  (Aggressively bites into a bagel)

            Coworker 1: Well.  Guess that’s the last time I graciously offer you to help me with my overdue projects.  (Leaves)

            Friend 2: (Stares at the bagel) I was this close to bouncing you off their head.  But I love you too much.  (Devours the rest)

            Coworker 2: (Sits at the table next to Friend 2 and starts eating a salad) Sorry all this stuff lately made you miss out on the movie at the office village the other night.

            Friend 2: Thanks.  And I think it’s actually called an “urban suburb” – no that’s not right –

            Coworker 2: Whatever it is, it seems nifty – you hear from your friend yet on how it all looked?

            Friend 2: (Freezes) You know, I never did hear back….

MEANWHILE

            (In the blazing sun, Friend 1 drives through winding, endless roads)

            Friend 1: (Voiceover) Pilot’s Log: Day 3 of my journey through the metroburb, AKA Circle 10 of Dante’s Inferno.  I have long since given up hope of seeing another human being ever again.  The steaming paved roads are surrounded by carefully regimented trees and flowering bushes, looping in on themselves in never-ending rows of artificial greenery, the forest they replaced conspicuous in its absence.  They mock me with their enforced symmetry, the unnaturalness of their state rivalled only by the unshed tears they weep for their lost brethren cleared en masse to create this hellscape of modern living.

            I had passed the main building upon my initial entry into this cursed place, and have long since said my farewells to it – I have not clapped eyes upon it again in two days, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the pop-up drive-in movie theater was installed in the one corner of the mile-wide and mile-long parking lot that I did not drive through.  There was a good flick scheduled that night, too.

            Several hours after that midnight, I conceded defeat and attempted to navigate my way out of this black hole of a complex – for me, though, the event horizon was long gone: all the roads here are one-way and not one circled back to the direction from whence I came.

            This is one of the rare instances in my life where I regret never yielding to popular trends and installing GPS on my phone.  Or figuring out how to do that now.

            On Day 2, I spotted a family of deer and attempted to follow them home to freedom: however, traitors to their kind that they are, they seemed to have made this monstrosity their new home – which may actually have been the site of their previous home and they’re trying to make the best of things, so never mind – and they merely frolicked into the backyard of some human dwelling-in-progress, so they were no help whatsoever.

            I next followed the path of a flock of migrating geese, driving across the horrifically manicured medians when necessary just to keep them in sight – alas, they too seemed to have made this their home and now, typical of the current state of things, migrate nowhere.  I last left them amusing themselves in an abomination that is an artificial pond, useless to themselves and to me equally.

            I then attempted to create a map of the roads that I already had travelled, drawn on a bunch of take-out napkins that were sitting in the glove compartment, in order to locate the correct road out of here by process of elimination.  Having failed both Art and Geography in my younger years, the map I created is nonsensical and offends the senses.  I would symbolically burn the multi-napkin wreck, if I had not failed Scouts as well.

           This morning I drank the last dregs of sustenance from my water bottle; as the nuclear sun mercilessly beats down upon me, that artificial pond is starting to look better and better....

            (Friend 1’s cell phone rings)

        Friend 1: (Signals to pull into the empty road’s shoulder, puts on the car’s hazard lights, and answers the phone) Yeah, what’s up?

            Friend 2: I see your location’s still listed as being in the metroburb – just follow the signs to Main Street and you should be out of there in five minutes.  (Ends the call)

            (Friend 1 sets the phone onto the passenger seat, looks to the right of the car, and sees a sign planted into the ground that reads “Main Street ↑”)

            Friend 1: (Signals to pull back onto the empty road; voiceover) The journey continues as this intrepid survivor endeavors to decipher the markings that apparently were placed at regular intervals along the monotonous roads and yet, somehow, overlooked.  Attempting escape velocity as the event horizon appears in the distance in three, two, one –

             (A horn blares as Friend 1 cuts across a car’s path while making a left turn onto Main Street)

          Friend 1: (Screaming out the window) At last!  I have escaped the demons of suburbia, ahahahahaha!

              Driver: Freak.

             Friend 1: (Voiceover) My trials at last are over: I have reached journey’s end, and now need a nap.  My lone takeaway of this whole ordeal: I really wanted to see that movie.

Story 272: The Accidental Adventure

            (Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)

            Friend 2: (Looking out the window) Sure you still don’t want to try ---------- ----- Park?

            Friend 1: They’re digging up half the place to install who-knows-what and the other half’ll be all muddy with yesterday’s rain.  Least at ----- ---- Park, we can use the paved trails all the way and hop on the roads if the mud takes over.

            Friend 2: Yeah, but this is the off-season; the beaches there are closed.

           Friend 1: And?  We’re not there for the beach: it’s January and we’re not dedicated fishers, or surfers, or dog-walkers.

            Friend 2: The restrooms also will be closed.  (Friend 1 glares at Friend 2) Might be something to think about.

            Friend 1: I think you should’ve gone before we left, like a good child.

            (They drive into the park)

            Friend 2: Oh no, the sign says there’s limited service.

            Friend 1: Of course there is, it’s off-season; didn’t we just have this conversation?

            Friend 2: No, it says there’s limited service because of the government shutdown.

            Friend 1: (Covers right ear with right hand while steering with the left) No politics, la-la-la-la-la!

            Friend 2: It’s not – I’m telling you what the sign says; this technically is a national park so there’s going to be limited service here during the shut –

            Friend 1: (Briefly covers both ears) NO!  POLITICS!

            Friend 2: Obtuse.  I’m just surprised this place is even open at all.

            Friend 1: Whelp, they didn’t seal off the entrance and there’re other cars milling about like us, so we’re going for it!

            (They aim for a parking lot and see a ranger truck and wooden barricades are blocking it)

            Friend 2: Huh, people are still working here – good show.

            Friend 1: Aw man, this was my starting point for the trail!

            Friend 2: Why not just go back to where it starts by the park entrance?

            Friend 1: Go back?  Never!  It’s onward or nothing!  (Speeds off)

            Friend 2: You’re exhausting.

            (They turn onto a lane for another lot that leads through the woods and far off the main road)

            Friend 2: How big is this island?  We’ve been driving on this thing for five minutes and I’ve yet to see any other cars –

            Friend 1: (Leaning forward intensely and gripping the steering wheel) It’s not an island, it’s a peninsula!

            Friend 2: Seriously?!  Ooh, quick, there’s the lot over there!

           Friend 1: (Swerves into the lot and parks with screeching tires) See?  There are other cars here.

           Friend 2: Yes, two whole other cars.  I have no idea where we are now – where’s the trail map?

            Friend 1: (As they exit the car) I never bother with those here: it’s all paved trails, where else are we gonna go, the ocean?

            Friend 2: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean the trail won’t just disappear into the ocean, and then where will we be?!

            Friend 1: We’ll just keep the water on our left as we head back, now stop ruining this for me!  (Finds the trail) You coming or not?

          Friend 2: (Sighs) The moment we get lost, I’m turning around and leaving you with the seagulls.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 1: Ah, there’s the lighthouse!  The last time I tried to drive over to it I wound up in the middle of a small town and was afraid the Coast Guard was going to kick me out.

           Friend 2: Great, you finally found the ginormous lighthouse that’s been hiding from you all these years, can we go now?

            Friend 1: It took us 45 minutes to drive out here; we are staying at least an hour and a half to get our time’s worth.  I would say money’s worth, but they only charge admission in the summer.

            Friend 2: An hour and – ?  I don’t think I can walk that long in one stretch!

           Friend 1: Lazy.  Go sit on the World War II battery wall and I’ll get you on the way back, then.

          Friend 2: No way you’re not – the woods on the other side look like they’re hiding something up to no good.

TEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 1: (Pointing to the right side of the trail) Oh look, a random workout station!

            Friend 2: That… certainly is random.

          Friend 1: Want to try it out?  I need to work on my arms.  (Hops onto one of the machines and begins pulling levers)

          Friend 2: That’s OK, I’m getting sufficient exercise at the moment.  (Hears a noise and freezes) Are there bears here?

            Friend 1: (In mid-pull) Huh?  Nah, just about 300 species of migratory birds, but no bears.

            Friend 2: How do you know?

            Friend 1: Said so on the Web site.  (Hops off the machine)

          Friend 2: Well what if that wasn’t updated?  What if bears were driven out of their homes on the mainland and decided to hang out here where it’s peaceful?  These trees aren’t big enough to climb away from them and there’s no one to call for help in time and I would never be able to outrun one and it’ll be a terrible way to die!

            Friend 1: You’re exhausting.  (Continues on the trail)

            Friend 2: That’s my line!

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 1: Ooh, look over there – ruins!

            Friend 2: Huh?

            Friend 1: (Runs past and climbs up an elevated cement floor in a clearing, spreading arms out) I read this was a testing ground for World War II weapons – they used to fire the big guns here – (Points down, then over to a fenced off area behind them) and there’re old buildings over there where they used to store everything.  You can tell that was important `cause now it’s all condemned.

            Friend 2: (Reads one of the explanatory signs stationed in the area) Hm.  They used to shoot things here until they saw the range was too short and had to pack the whole thing off to another state.  Bet the wildlife here was happy about that.

            Friend 1: (Hops back down to the ground, looking off to the side) Yeah; wonder if that guy is a reenactor or something.

            Friend 2: (Looks up from the sign) What guy?

           Friend 1: (Gestures with head) That guy, with the old-timey uniform.  Think he’s an employee, or a volunteer who does this sort of stuff for kicks?

         (They watch as the guy walks to the condemned area, opens a non-existent door, and disappears from view)

            Friend 2: I’d like to get lost some more now, please.

            Friend 1: Let’s.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            (On a beach)

           Friend 2: All right, how much longer can I stare at the soothing waves and impersonal city skyline?

            Friend 1: (Staring at the waves) Just a little longer….

          Friend 2: (Looks behind them) Oh good, there’s the lighthouse; as long as we keep that in  view, we should be able to make our way back to the car easily.

            Friend 1: Hm?  Oh yeah, good, `cause I lost track of the turn-offs we made ages ago.  Guess I should’ve brought a trail map, huh?

            Friend 2: Sigh.

TEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: So, the lighthouse should be getting bigger as we get closer to it, yes?

            Friend 1: Just keep walking: we are on the trail and the trail will not lead us astray.

            Friend 2: That’s true if we’re walking in the right direction –

            Friend 1: Never question the trail!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: Did we pass that half-collapsed building when we first got here this morning, or did we just pass it five minutes ago?

           Friend 1: (Starts spinning helplessly in the center of a grassy common, surrounded by old Navy buildings converted into marine science labs) I – don’t – know!!!!! (Collapses onto the grass and sobs)

            Friend 2: All right, get up.  (Hauls Friend 1 off the ground and brushes off grass; points to a road) I think that was by the beginning part of the trail that led us here; we can take that back and see if it’ll bring us to the car, OK?

            Friend 1: (Sniffles) OK.

            Friend 2: (Puts a comforting arm around Friend 1’s shoulder as they walk) Would you like me to make you some hot chocolate when we get back?

            Friend 1: (Sniffles) OK.

           (They turn a corner and see the car, now surrounded by a massive number of vehicles in the lot)

            Friend 1: (Runs to the car and kisses the windshield) Oh bless you, my baby, I’ll never leave you again!

            Friend 2: Whatever – could you let me in?

          Friend 1: Oh, right.  (Unlocks the doors and the two collapse inside) Wow, my feet sure do hurt.  Good thing we don’t have to walk all the way back home, heh?

            Friend 2: Heh-heh-heh – just drive.

           Friend 1: (Starts the engine, pulls out of the lot onto one of the roads, then slams on the brakes) So… any idea which way now to get out of here?