Story 631: Extreme Commute Shortcut

             “Sigh.”

“What is it?”

“I don’t know, it’s just… we’re on this lovely walk on the beach, the Sun is shining, the seagulls are laughing their heads off at life, and the view is majestic, and all I can do is look across the ocean – ”

“Bay.”

“ – look across the bay at that huge metropolis where I slog into work five days a week with the rest of the tri-state area, and all I can think is, ‘It’s right there.’”

“Yes, it is.”

“I mean, it’s right there straight across from me, but in order to get there, I need to go allllllll the way around the longest route possible, both in time and distance.  In a crowded train car, filled with weirdos.”

“Well, yeah; unfortunately, that’s the only way to get there.  By going around the huge body of water that’s in the way.”

“Yeahhhhhhhh…. Hmmmmmmm…..”

“‘Hmmmmmmm’, what?”

“You may have something there.”

“What, reality?”

“Of course not.  You know how the shortest distance between two points is a straight line?”

“I don’t think I like where this is going.”

“Too bad, because you’ve inspired me to utterly revolutionize my life.”

“How on Earth did I manage to do that in the space of five seconds?”

“By making me realize what is literally right in front of us: why go around, when I can go through?  Or is it, over?”

“Well, sure, there’s a ferry you can take to the city that’s about half an hour away from here – ”

“Exactly: more commuting, more money, more time.  My solution’s far simpler.”

“And that is?”

“Get a kayak and paddle across.”

“…Are you for real?!”

“Extremely.”

“You wouldn’t make it one nautical mile before capsizing!”

“Hardly – there’s somebody right over there doing just fine now.”

“Yeah, well, that’s a local keeping to the shoreline, and someone who clearly has the strength, stamina, and skill for it – you, on the other hand, wouldn’t last 10 seconds before passing out from exhaustion, and the Coast Guard’ll have to pick you up when you drift out past Montauk.”

“And where is that?”

“The eastern tip of Long Island.”

“Hm.  And about how far away is that from here, do you think?”

“A lot!  Just… stick to the horrible commute you know and spare us all the drama of your attempt at athleticism, please!”

“And how would anything great ever be achieved with that attitude?”

“This hardly qualifies as great.” 

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi, what’s up?”

“Oh you know, it’s been a while, just checking in, making sure you weren’t lost at sea on the way to work – although you wound up not going through with it, right?”

“I sure did go through with it.”

“You didn’t.  Really?”

“How could you know me so little by now?  I said I was going to do it, so I did it.”

“So you actually bought a kayak and actually paddled all the way across rough waters to the city?!”

“Like I said: sure did.”

“And you’re still alive?!”

“What a question.”

“But – but – but that’s impossible!”

“So is flight, but tell that to all the birds and planes fighting the never-ending battle against gravity day-in and day-out.”

“And you didn’t keel over, or flip over, or get eaten by a shark, or swallowed up by a squid, or wind up in the open ocean, or – ”

“I’m sensing a disturbing lack of faith in my abilities that’s making me question our friendship.”

“But that’s because we’re nothing schlubs!  We don’t do stuff like paddle our way to work!  Or anywhere!”

“Seems that we can if we just put our minds to it, and after the initial equipment investment, this is saving me a fortune.”

“…There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“Nope – no, I think I pretty much covered everything.  It was a hard-fought battle, but I have defeated the all-consuming commutation snare, and both victory and vengeance are mine.”

“Uh-huh.  And how long did it take you to get to work by travelling in that innovative method?”

“….”

“????”

“….”

“????????”

“Two weeks.”

Story 630: The Awards Show Took a Turn

            (At a late point in a major film awards show)

M.C.: (Standing center stage and addressing the theater and television audiences as applause trickles away) Well that commercial break went on too long for this time of night – (Glances at a wristwatch) morning – BUT, since we’ve gone this far, let me continue presenting presenters with your next one: last year’s winner of the Best Female Actor in a Drama, ------ -------.

(Applause as Presenter enters from stage right and M.C. walks past to lean against the wall there and lightly doze while waiting for the last few categories)

Presenter: Hi everyone, I’m skipping the script in the interest of time – I think the nominees will thank me along with the rest of the audience.  (Audience members cheer) And the nominees for Best Male Actor in a Drama are: -------- ----- in ------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 1, who nods solemnly in the direction of the stage)

Presenter: ------ ---------- in ----- -----: -------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 2, who smiles and waves wildly at the camera)

Nominee 2: (Muted by the lack of a microphone) I love you, Mom!

Presenter: -------------- ---- in ----------------------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 3, who gives a thumbs-up and a wink at the camera)

Presenter: ---- ------ -------- in --- ------ ------ --------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 4, who holds up a sign that reads “I’M OWED THIS”)

Presenter: And finally, ---- ------- in ---- ----.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 5, who is scowling and slowly shaking his head in disgust)

Presenter: (Opening the envelope) And the award, for Best Male Actor in a Drama, goes to….

(Television split-screens show the Presenter opening the envelope at the top with the five Nominees at the bottom; Nominees 1-4 show different degrees of restrained eagerness, while Nominee 5 has his eyes closed and is holding up crossed fingers while shaking his head back-and-forth and mouthing “No-no-no-no-” with each shake)

Presenter: (Pulls out the card and gets a paper cut) Oh come on – excuse me – (Reads the card) ---- ------ in ---- ----!

(As most of the audience members applaud, the television camera now only shows Nominee 5 who is surrounded by cheering seatmates and mutedly shouting “No!  Son of a -----!   ---- it!   ---- it to -----!  Un----ing-believable!”; the cheering seatmates lift him out of the seat and hug him, shake his hands, and slap him on the back toward the stage.  When Nominee 5 stops at the bottom of the stairs and raises a fist at the giant award replica at the back of the stage, Nominee 1 in the front row stands to push him up the stairs and then returns to his seat to resume graciously applauding with the rest.  Presenter hands the award to Nominee 5, who stares at it at first and then reluctantly takes it, leaning in toward Presenter to shout over his movie’s theme music)

Nominee 5: I’ve always admired your work!

Presenter: (Clapping) Thank you!  Congratulations!  (Gestures to the microphone) Go at it!

Nominee 5: (Looks at the microphone in loathing) Ughhhh….. (Walks to stand in front of it as the audience members’ applause and the music simultaneously fade out and everyone who was giving a standing ovation sits back down again) OK, this is extremely embarrassing.  (The audience members provide polite laughter) No, this is not a joke – (Gestures toward the audience) not only did any of the other four nominees deserve this award so much more than I did, but as many of you know, the only reason I was nominated in the first place was out of spite, so I can only guess that I “won” – (Does the air quotes) for that same reason, as the veritable icing on this travesty of a filmmaking cake.  (Polite laughter shifts to awkward laughter) I’m being absolutely serious here: anyone with half a brain cell who saw ---- ---- knows that its point was to highlight the unfairness of inequality, and yet the only award nomination, out of all the people who worked on that film – (Holds an arm out toward the area of the theater where others who worked on that film are sitting) many of whom came here tonight to support me because they are such awesome and wonderful human beings, let’s give them a round of applause – (Leads a round of applause, briefly tucking the statue under one arm in order to clap) so the only award nomination being for the dude who played a character representing the oppressive regime this film was critiquing, is the ultimate slap in the face to everything we worked so hard to convey with on this project.  And when I say “we”, I’m barely including myself in that since all I did was recite the lines in the script, which was nothing compared to all the work everyone else did and who should have been nominated for this film.  (Exit music slowly starts to build up) DO NOT PLAY ME OFF!!!  (Exit music abruptly stops; Nominee 5 looks up slightly to address the film industry ether) You created this fiasco – you will sit through the consequences!  Now, I have a list, not of those I want to thank for – ahem – “earning” – (Does the air quotes again) this award, but of all those who should have been nominated – and should have won! – instead of me tonight: ----- ------, Director; ----- ------ and ----- -------, Screenwriters; ----- -------, Lead Female Actor; --- ---------, Cinematographer – (Exit music starts to build up faster) I swear to Hades, if you don’t stop playing that exit music until I’ve finished, I will smash this thing in front of all of you!  (Shakes the statue in emphasis; exit music abruptly stops again) Right: ------ ---------, Composer…. (Goes on for another five minutes) And now, Second Unit –

M.C.: (Peels away from the wall to dash to Nominee 5’s side) Well, I think at this very, very, very late point in the festivities, our audience here and at home would rather the rest of your acknowledgements be an e-mail instead of a meeting, am-I-right?

(Audience members laugh in relief)

Nominee 5: (Glaring at M.C.) Do not do a bit right now.

M.C.: …OK.

Nominee 5: I will stop when I have righted this wrong and not a second earlier, understand?!

M.C.: (Backing away) OK, jeez –

Nominee 5: Justice will be served!  (Back to the microphone) Now, Second Unit!  (Someone approaches from stage right, holds onto Nominee 5’s arm, and leans in to whisper in his ear for a few seconds; the latter nods, then turns back to face the audience again) I’ve just been told by my Director on this project – ----- ------, everyone, please give her a hand for her amazing work!  (Applauds along with the exhausted audience members)  She said that I would be helping my slighted fellow filmmakers more if I posted this list on social media and allow the remainder of tonight’s awards to continue, so I will go do that as soon as I leave this stage.

M.C.: (Mutters while leaning against the side wall again) That’s what I said.

Presenter: (Whispers back soothingly) I know.

Nominee 5: In closing – (Audience members collectively sigh) my winning this award is proof that the whole system is a sham, and I normally would melt down this statue and donate the profits to charity, but I suspect it’s pretty much plastic so in that case I’ll just recycle it.  So: know who the real winners are in life, elections are always a popularity contest, stay in school, and value the art itself because awards mean NOTHING!  And I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that I’m permanently retiring from acting – good night, world!  (Runs off the stage, followed uncertainly by Director and Presenter, as the exit music blasts at full volume, the audience erupts in an uproar, and M.C. returns to the microphone, clapping over-enthusiastically)

M.C.: Well, folks, I think we witnessed several history-making events at this show – we’re unfortunately going to have to speed-run though the Best Director and Best Drama categories in order for the late-night news to air sometime this week, so if there are any complaints, I think you all know exactly who to direct them to.

Story 629: Easter and Passover = A Lot of Work

             “Can you believe it’s only the beginning of April and we’ve reached 80°F over 10 times already this year?”

“No, but I LOVE IT.”

“I would too, if we hadn’t leap-frogged over spring and straight into summer, then back into winter for another go-around of chilly rain before off into summer again.”

“Well, you know what they say: ‘April chilly rain brings May grass.’”

“…No one has ever said that.”

“Anyway, this all reminds me that it’s my turn to host the family at Easter this year, and I’ve been dreading it for weeks.”

“Oh?  What for?  Don’t you love all the marshmallow candy and colored eggs and giant bunnies and all that other stuff that’s only acceptable at this time of year?  And don’t you always say your family is the only thing that matters in your life or something like that?”

“Well, yes, but there’s also just so dang many of us.”

“True, there are.”

“I can only fit so many on couches and chairs and floors in the living and dining rooms before they start spilling over into my realm, The Kitchen, and that simply won’t do.”

“Aye, no.”

“We have a perfectly fine backyard, but if the chilly rain decides to make an appearance that lovely morn, then forget about anyone going outside.”

“I hear you.”

“And even if the Sun is blazing a balmy 60°, they’ll still all cram themselves into the living room, dining room, and The Kitchen, because no one wants to move.”

“Mm-hm.”

“And yet, when it’s time to clean up – tumbleweeds and crickets.”

“Oh, yes.”

“That’s not entirely true – a few of the regulars pitch in, bless them, but overall it’s the opposite: watching the game, diving into the digital world, or napping.”

“True, true.”

“And the blessing of all that food!  Weeks to plan, days to prepare, gone in minutes, still gallons of leftovers I almost have to pay people to get enough out of the house so we manage to have the rest before it spoils.”

“Agreed.”

“Wish I could take the next day off to recover from all that plus the furniture clean-up, but nope!  Back to the office bright and early the next morning, which of course is a Monday, Heaven help me.”

“The soul sighs.”

“So, enough of all that: how’s it with you for Passover this year?”

“Oh, same: entire family’s coming over for seder, which of course is on a weeknight this year.”

“Of course.”

“All that prep, all that food, and we have to wait until after sundown to start so it’s even later by the time we start cleaning up everything and everyone goes home, and then, you guessed it, right back to the office the next day.”

“Always the way.”

“Doing all that work year after year, you start wondering why we even go through the whole thing to begin with.”

 “I know – there must be some reasons for these holidays.”

Story 628: `Tis the Season for Taxes!

             (On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, whatcha up to on this fine summer’s day?

Sibling 2: It’s still March.

Sibling 1: I said what I said: it’s 80 degrees outside, and I’m wearing shorts and a tank top with the A/C cranked up inside.

Sibling 2: Can’t argue with that.  Whelp, I’m not dressed for the beach, and instead I’m celebrating one of the Rites of Spring in getting all my tax stuff together.

Sibling 1: Oh.  What for?

Sibling 2: For… taxes.

Sibling 1: Why, you owe any?

Sibling 2: Hopefully not this year, but I gotta do them soon since I left it a little late, or else I’ll really owe something.

Sibling 1: What’s the point? 

Sibling 2: “What’s the point?”???

Sibling 1: Yeah, why do double-work?  They’re already taken out of your paychecks for you anyway, right?

Sibling 2: …Are you telling me that you’ve never had your taxes done?!

Sibling 1: Sure I have.

Sibling 2: Oh thank –

Sibling 1: Every paycheck, like I just said.

Sibling 2: ….

Sibling 1: So I don’t get why you’re making more work for yourself when it’s already been taken care of by Payroll.

Sibling 2: I don’t believe what I’m hearing right now.  Are you saying, that in your decades of working life on this planet, you haven’t once filed a tax return?!

Sibling 1: Ooh, they return all the taxes to us?  Wish I’d known about that from the beginning; thanks a lot.

Sibling 2: No, you doofus, you have to report your income to the state and federal government every year and make sure they didn’t over- or under-withhold!

Sibling 1: And why would I do that?  Shouldn’t that be something Payroll should have gotten right the first time?

Sibling 2: Well, ideally, but tax and interest rates constantly change, and there’s also the income from the interest on your bank account, and taxes you paid on loans and other expenses, and the extra income from your never-ending side hustles that never get anywhere, and that one time you actually won the lottery –

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, that was sweet; we had a great family vacation that year, didn’t we?

Sibling 2: Of course, and I’ll treasure the memory always, but ALL OF THAT IS REPORTABLE!

Sibling 1: Jeez, Principal, you make it sound like I’m gonna get detention.

Sibling 2: You’re gonna get the extreme version of that instead!  What about all those times Mom and Dad brought you to their account when you had those part-time jobs in high school?!

Sibling 1: Oh, those?  I thought that was because I was a minor.

Sibling 2: No, numbskull!  Well, partially, but once you graduated adolescence you were supposed to do those on your own!  Every year!  Have you never heard of April 15?!

Sibling 1: Of course I have: the Ides of April, right?

Sibling 2: I wish I could reach through the phone and smack you upside the head right now.

Sibling 1: Rude.

Sibling 2: So in all those years, did you never wonder why you were getting W2 forms from work?!

Sibling 1: Actually yeah, I always did kind of wonder since they don’t apply to me: I’m not a World War 2 veteran, and that was ages ago anyway.

Sibling 2: That’s WW2!

Sibling 1: Oh, right.  Mystery solved, then.

Sibling 2: What about 1040 forms, 1099, 1095, anything?!

Sibling 1: I figured they were all just informational, provided as a courtesy.  Kind of like when you donate to an organization and they send you a summary at the end of the year?  I always wondered how I could claim it on my taxes like they all say I can, since I don’t think work would handle something like that.

Sibling 2: This!  This is how you claim it!  You file your tax return and you itemize your deductions so the donations can count toward your refund!

Sibling 1: …Yeah, that’s a lot of words that mean nothing to me, sorry.

Sibling 2: I think I’m losing my mind right now; so since you clearly haven’t filed anything since you left the nest, in all these years have you never gotten any letters saying you need to pay penalties for all the many, many returns you missed?!

Sibling 1: Well if I did, I probably threw them out like the scams they are: everyone knows that a legitimate organization will never send a letter in the mail and will call you instead.

Sibling 2: The phone call’s the scam – the letter’s the real thing!  Usually.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Then, oops.

Sibling 2: Yeah, “oops”: you probably owe a million dollars in penalties by now, and at least five years in jail!

Sibling 1: No, I mean “oops” in that I thought the call about my vehicle’s warranty was the real thing – guess I gotta cancel all my credit cards now.

Sibling 2: They’ve probably been cleaned out for you already.  Listen, I don’t care what you’re doing today, I’m coming over and going through your stuff and your garbage and try to salvage what we can for this year, then make an appointment with Mom and Dad’s accountant to help straighten out this awful mess, and then throw yourself on the mercy of the powers-that-be and hope that they realize you’re too much of a dolt to waste their time prosecuting you once they’ve gotten their money.

Sibling 1: So rude.  And I fail to understand how it’s their money – I’m the one who earned it!

Sibling 2: You like schools?

Sibling 1: Not particularly, but I dealt with them as a necessary evil.

Sibling 2: You like fire departments?

Sibling 1: Um, sure…?

Sibling 2: Libraries?  Parks?  Law enforcement?  Recycling?  Emergency medical – ?

Sibling 1: OK, OK, why are you changing the subject?

Sibling 2: They’re paid for by taxes!

Sibling 1: Really?  I always thought they were financed by extremely rich people wanting the tax write-off.  Ohhh, I get that now, too.

Sibling 2: Argh!

Sibling 1: Huh.  So that means I’m the boss of all of them, right?  Oh, so that’s why those weirdos say “My taxes pay your salary!” 

Sibling 2: Unfortunately, yes.

Sibling 1: I think I’ll start using that line now, too.

Sibling 2: Please don’t.

Sibling 1: Just once?

Sibling 2: Absolutely not.

Sibling 1: Fine.  So, this was fun: I’m going to doze off in my makeshift cabana now.

Sibling 2: Uh-uh, I’m coming over now.

Sibling 1: Ugh, If you insist.

Sibling 2: Since I’m obligated to at least try to keep you out of prison – yes, I do insist.

Sibling 1: All right, I’ll be lounging in the living room when you get here.  You know, this really is a whole lot of fuss for something that should be completely automated at this point in our digital existence. 

Sibling 2: I’d almost agree with you, but we’ve gone so long with this method that the process of converting to any alternative system is just too exhausting to even think about now.

Story 627: Weather Whiplash

 SATURDAY 

“Morn-ning!”

“Good morning!  I hate to say, but you look awfully dreadful today.”

“Right you are: spent a solid hour digging the old bucket of bolts out from under the ‘bomb cyclone’ or ‘polar vortex’ or ‘thunder snow’ or whatever it is the youth are calling it these days, only to have it all plowed back in by the necessary street clearers immediately afterward and had to start the whole bloomin’ process all over again.”

“Hm.  Blast.”

“Indeed.  You’re just lucky you no longer drive and everyone has to come to you instead, yeah?”

“Well, usually, not being able to drive anymore is quite a hindrance, but I must say on days when there are 15 feet of snow outside and temperatures are in the negative digits, not going anywhere does have its perks.”

“Quite.  Tea?”

“Already had mine, so help yourself.”

“Thanks, but I’ll save it for the return journey; as you can see out the window, those innocent-looking flurries are unceasing in their descent from the heavens, and an additional six feet are predicted by tonight.”

“Oh my.  You’re welcome to stay the night, you know.”

“I packed my bag for just such an occasion.”

“Good thinking.” 

SUNDAY 

“Morn-ning!”

“Good morning!  Ready to do battle once more in rescuing your bucket of bolts from the clutches of the frozen water smothering it?”

“I would be, if it wasn’t all gone.”

“Sorry?”

“Take a look.”

“…I don’t understand; I can see out the window.”

“Exactly.  The frozen water transformed into water-water overnight and washed everything away.”

“But how is that possible?  We were surrounded by literal walls of snow – that all should take weeks to go away, even with the rain!  And yet I can see the lawn again for the first time in a month!”

“I suppose it helps that the temperature shot up by 50°F overnight as well.”

“Ah.  It did feel a bit stuffy in here when I woke this morning.”

“I took the liberty of turning down the thermostat when I got up.”

“Good move.  So, off you go then, I suppose; into the downpour instead of the blizzard.”

“Seems like it.  You might want to call a plumber at some point, though – the sump pump’s been running all night so the crawl space is probably flooded.”

“I’m sure I won’t be the only one calling.” 

MONDAY 

            “Morn-ning!”

“Oh, good morning!  So nice of you to call, but aren’t you stopping by later?”

“Actually, I’m calling to let you know that I have to cancel for today, sorry.”

“Oh, that’s all right, I can manage – is everything OK?”

“Yes, everything’s fine: the thing is… I decided to spend the day at the beach.”

“Oh.  As in, the beach?”

“Yes, well, we only have the one in this area, and I’m at it.”

“My, that sounds lovely, but I do have to ask: why?”

“Oh, you know, really, why not?”

“I mean, everyone’s free to do as they please if they’re not hurting anyone or themselves, but I can’t help but notice that we’re physically located in the upper region of the northern hemisphere, and we’re temporally located in the middle of March.”

“Yes?”

“Not exactly beach weather, I should think.”

“Have you stuck your head out the window yet today, or checked the news at all?”

“No, sadly: still trying to wrangle an available plumber and it’s been quite draining.”

“Ah, well, then you may not have noticed that summer arrived while you weren’t looking.”

“Sorry?”

“Temperature rocketed to 90°F today.”

“You’re having a laugh.”

“Take a look outside if you don’t believe me.”

“I certainly will…. Oh dear.”

“What is it?”

“The window sill is melting somewhat.”

“That’s rough – you might need a home repair service when all this is done, too.”

“Well, that’s dashed inconvenient – I’m sweating already, and I can only imagine the entire house is warping as we speak.”

“Rotten luck, that [Slurp].”

“Is that a frozen lemonade I hear you slurping out there?”

“You know me too well.  I’d’ve invited you to come along, you know, but I remembered you can’t stand the beach.”

“Gracious no, once you get anywhere near it, that sand is with you forever.  Oh, perfect timing, the ice cream truck is here – yoo-hoo!  Driver!  One small cone with strawberry, please!”

“I’ll leave you to it and come by tomorrow, yeah?”

“Cheers – enjoy the boiling waves!” 

TUESDAY 

“Morn-ning!  Not at the beach today, so I should get there at my usual time!”

“Actually, that’s why I’m calling – you perhaps want to skip again today.”

“That’s all right: the sunburn’s minimal, I’ll be fine!”

“Lovely, but it’s probably not a good idea for anyone to be out on the roads around here today.”

“Oh?  Why not?”

“Well, I did stick my head out the window this morning, and I did check the news, and it seems that this neighborhood is under a tornado warning.”

“Oh dear, really?  And just your neighborhood, is it?”

“Apparently the conditions here and nowhere else are ‘just right’, they said.”

“My word.  Is that why I’m hearing an emergency siren in the distance over the phone?”

“Yes, and seeing how the winds ae blowing everything around and I can see a funnel touching down about five houses away, it’s probably best that I nip down to the crawl space for half a tick.”

“Quite right.”

WEDNESDAY 

“Morn-ning!  You and the neighborhood still in one piece after the twister?”

“Oh good morning; quite all right, thank you – the mailbox was a little stirred up, but fortunately the cyclone continued down the middle of the street and disintegrated after making its point, so all’s well that ends well, and all that.”’

“Jolly good.  So, I’ll come over this morning as per usual then, shall I?”

“If you like, but I don’t mind if you’d prefer dashing off to the beach again.”

“Thanks, but not likely, seeing as it’s 28°F out.”

“Yes, but you’ve gotten me into checking the weather all the time now, and the reliably accurate prediction is that it’ll hit 100°F by noon.”

“Oh.  Today?”

“Indeed.  Why, in the single minute we’ve been talking, the thermometer has jumped to 45°F.”

“…So it has.  Well, I’m still coming over – maybe pass on the tea, though.”

“I fail to grasp the connection.” 

THURSDAY 

“Morn-ning!”

“Good morning!  After you’re all settled, I’ll need your help on a project today.”

“Ooh, sounds fun, what is it?”

“Taping all the windows before the hurricane hits.”

“So it’s definite that it’s going to hit this area?”

“As of this moment; since you insisted on still coming over today, I hope you brought your overnight bag again, seeing as the storm drains are expected to flood and the winds are expected to knock down everything.”

“I didn’t, but I suppose I can always row home, right?”

“I’d rather you didn’t.” 

FRIDAY 

“Morn-ning!”

“Good morning!  All safe and snug at home, then?”

“Indeed I am!  Thank goodness the hurricane turned out to be only a mild torrential downpour instead – that, I can handle.”

“Yes, we’re all grateful, and I hope you’re not planning to come over today, either.”

“Well, just have to dig out the old bucket of bolts from the eight feet of snow we got overnight, so it might take me a bit longer than usual but other than that, I’ll be there.”

“Please don’t: I heard that the roads are a giant wall of mush right now, and if you wait it’ll all have melted away again when it hits 105°F tomorrow.”

“Right you are then, thanks.  Funny way to observe the first day of spring, isn’t it?”

“Quite.”

Story 626: I Forgot to Spring Ahead This Year

            (On a Sunday morning, Friend 1 groggily awakens to the cell phone vibrating on the nearby lamp table)

Friend 1: (Sloppily grabbing the phone and answering it) Muh-yeh-loh?

Friend 2: (On the phone, standing outside a busy restaurant) So, are you cancelling for today?

Friend 1: Hm-day?

Friend 2: We were supposed to meet for brunch at 10:30 this morning.

Friend 1: Muh-yeh?

Friend 2: Yes.

Friend 1: Wha – (Rubs eyes and clears throat) What time is it?

Friend 2: 10:40.

Friend 1: (Shifts to look at the alarm clock on the lamp table, then shifts back to the pillow) Isn’t.  It’s 9:40.  Still earlier than I wake up on a day off, I’ll have you know.

Friend 2: Are you looking at your alarm clock or at your cell phone clock?

Friend 1: Alarm.  Which is set to go off in five minutes, so that’s five minutes of sleep I’ll never get back, I thank you.

Friend 2: You should thank me: check your cell phone clock.

Friend 1: (Sighs and leans back while holding out the cell phone to check the time, staring at it for several seconds without blinking before bringing it back to speak) Must be some glitch – how’d you know my phone’s broken?

Friend 2: It’s not, you dope: the clocks turned ahead an hour at 2 a.m.!

Friend 1: 2 a.m. … this morning?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Why?

Friend 2: Because it’s supposed to save daylight or something!

Friend 1: No, I mean, why today?  Spring’s not until the 20^th.

Friend 2: I don’t know, maybe it’s to celebrate International Women’s Day here with an hour less of sleep but an hour more of sunshine!  Bottom line: forget about brunch since you’re not even awake yet, and we’ll figure out when to go another time.

Friend 1: (Starts stumbling out of bed) Now, hold on – we missed brunch, but we can move straight into lunch at this point, right?

Friend 2: No, you missed brunch.  I’m going in since I have a reservation and I’m not being cheated out of my brioche French toast that I’ve been looking forward to all week, so – bye.  (Ends the call and goes into the restaurant to have brunch)

(Friend 1 falls back into bed, dropping the phone onto the floor; the alarm clock goes off; Friend 1 reaches back and unplugs it from the wall, making it also drop onto the floor)

Friend 1: Want my hour back zzzzzzzzz….

Story 625: How to Get Out of Snow Removal: Lesson 2

             “Ugh, another snowstorm?!  Where do they all come from?!”

“Not this again.”

“Sorry, but really, I just can’t take another once-a-decade storm for the eighth go-round this month – how many times do I have to dig out my car and the same plowed-in mess at the end of the driveway before enough is enough, hm?!”

“…Every time?”

“That goes without saying, but I say ‘No more!’  This time, they’re not catching me sleeping during a blizzard as the frozen mess piles up over our heads, uh-uh!”

“So, what, are you gonna go out and shovel every few hours overnight?”

“HA!”

“Yeah, don’t know why I asked – even I wouldn’t do that.”

“No, this time I’ve come up with a genius plan.”

“I bet you have.  All right, let’s hear it.”

“OK, you know the saying: ‘A rolling stone gathers no moss’?”

“I’m familiar.”

“Well, I’ve made the next logical leap in logic and determined that a moving car gathers no snow.”

“So…?”

“So, as long as my car is in constant motion during the storm, no snow will be able to pile up on it!”

“….”

“Isn’t that the most brilliant thing you’ve ever heard?”

“Not exactly.  Are you saying that you plan to drive throughout the entire blizzard?”

“You betcha!  I’m amazed no one else has thought of this earlier.”

“That’s because we’ll be in a State of Emergency and no cars are allowed on the road!  Except essential workers, which you most definitely are not!”

“Ah, but there is one, significant, ginormous exception.”

“I’m afraid to ask what it is.”

“The Turnpike’s exempt.”

“…What?!”

“If I’m already on it when the blizzard starts, then they can’t kick me off!”

“…What?!”

“Speed limit’s usually around 55-65 miles per hour; with the snow I might have to drop down to around 35, but either way that should be fast enough to keep anything from actually accumulating on me.  It.  You know: the thing I’d normally have to clean and scrape off.”

“….”

“Brilliant, huh?”

“Ignoring the mind-bogglingessness of it all this for the moment – the Turnpike is only about two hours from start to finish if you stay in-state.”

“Uh-huh?”

“Blizzard’s expected to last around 20 hours.”

“Uh-huh?”

“So you gonna keep going from state-to-state until it’s over?”

“Nah, I’m not sure the other states’ll want me: I’ll just start at the north and then find a cut-through in the south right before the river and then come back up the other way.”’

“Four times?”

“…Yes, that sounds about right, unless I need to go even slower.  Give or take a few times, then.”

“You’re gonna get stuck in the snow before you finish the first round, you know.”

“Not if I drive fast enough!”

“That’s not how – also, you’re probably gonna run out of gas, and no station will be open.”

“No worries; I’ll have extra cans with me to fill up myself!”

“Aha!  You’ll have to stop do it!”

“Please: I can fill up my tank in less than a minute, no problem; the machines take forever, but I have a system”

“I still think this is a bonkers plan.”

“You’re just jealous you didn’t think of it first!  I’ll toast a water bottle to you while I’m on the road, practically snow-free, as you continue the endless struggle of shoveling powder and ice to free your trapped vehicle.”

“I’d rather you didn’t.  And how’re you supposed to get back into your snowed-in driveway after all this, anyway?”

“At that point, I can burst through it with the sheer strength of my conviction.”

“I’m sure you will.”

“Ooh!  Just to hedge my bets, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare snow plow that I could attach to my front fender so everyone’ll think I’m on the way to a job and leave me alone?... Hello?” 

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi there.”

“So, I have to know: how did your drive-througout-the-blizzard-so-you-don’t-have-to-dig-out-your-car experiment go?”

“Had a moderate-speed chase with the state troopers until they cut me off and tossed me into the nearest cell until the blizzard ended – didn’t even make it to the second exit.”

“Ah.”

“Apparently, in my case they chose to ignore the memo regarding the Turnpike exemption: though the howling winds I calmly argued my iron-clad position on the matter, but in the end they completely overwhelmed me with their safety protocols and protection of civilians and whatever.”

“Mm.”

“Also gave me about 15 tickets and a summons to the county court where they stopped me and not the county court where I live, so there goes that Tuesday when I have to show up.”

“Mm-hm.”

“Community service also was threatened, but I’ll call their bluff on that when I literally have my day in court.”

“Mm-hm.”

“The only reason they didn’t impound my car was it would’ve been too much of a hassle to get it to the lot in the middle of that mess, so they volleyed another fine my way instead out of spite.”

“Mm-hm.  I’m glad no one got hurt, but I’m also trying not to laugh here.”

“So I gathered.  Well, I’m pleased to be a source of amusement for you in these dreary days of lingering winter, but in the end, against all odds and in spite of everyone’s attempts, I still triumphed.”

“How, exactly?  You were in jail!”

“Yes, that’s the ultimate irony of the situation: in order to get rid of me and get their own vehicles back on the road, they had to clean off my car.”