Story 509: Off-Season Day at the Beach

(At a sparsely-populated beach on an extremely overcast day, Friend 1 trundles along a cart of supplies to a spot just above the continental shelf, then sets up a chair, towels, and large umbrella in ever-strengthening wind before stretching out on the chair with a book and a sigh)

Friend 1: So peaceful…. (Phone rings; Friend 1 digs through a huge bag of stuff to answer it) Mm-hello?

Friend 2: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to start pouring rain there in less than an hour, right?

Friend 1: (Dons a pair of sunglasses) I choose to spend the last day of summer wringing every ounce of joy out of the primary place I associate with the season, yes.

Friend 2: Fall started around 3 a.m. this morning – last day of summer was yesterday.

Friend 1: Oh.  I thought it was sunset today?

Friend 2: Nope.

Friend 1: Drat.  Well, I had to work yesterday so I wouldn’t’ve been able to come here anyway.  This will be the last observed day of summer, then.

Friend 2: Suit yourself – don’t go swimming since there’re no lifeguards, and even if you just dip your toes in, watch out for the riptides.

Friend 1: Know what?  You’re really harshing my mellow, good-bye.  (Moves to end the call)

Friend 2: And still put on sunscreen – (Call is disconnected)

Friend 1: (Dumps the phone into the bag and ratchets the chair back another notch) Now, where were we…?  (Begins to doze off)

(Surfers drift over through the waves in Friend 1’s view, hovering in that area and continuously getting wiped out)

Surfers: Again!

(A lone lifeguard patrols the beach, blowing the whistle at everyone knee-deep and higher in the water)

Lifeguard: (Several feet away from Friend 1, tweets long and loud and points at a swimmer who is several waves away from the shore) YOU!  OUT!

Swimmer: (Paddles over) But I thought the swimmer on the flags meant we could swim here!

Lifeguard: There’s a line right through it!  And it’s red!  And summer’s over!  And there are no lifeguard stations spaced at regular intervals anywhere!  Or lifeguards!  Is this your first day ever on a beach?!

Swimmer: (Finally out of the water) If there are no lifeguards, who are you, then?

Lifeguard: The remnant left to scoop up twits like you!  (Sees the surfers and blows the whistle at them) ALL OF YOU!  SKEDADDLE!  AND RIGHT BY THE ROCKS, NO LESS!  EVERYONE HERE WANTS TO BE LOST AT SEA, I JUST KNOW IT!

Surfers: Chill, fellow beach lover!

(The shouting match drifts inland as the surfers follow the lifeguard away from the water; in the now-empty space, four terns land by Friend 1)

Friend 1: No food – shoo.

Tern 1: (Cackles wildly) <We can smellllll itttttt….>

Tern 2: (Hops closer to Friend 1’s huge bag) <Let me at it – Let me at it – >

(A huge seagull then lands heavily right where Tern 1 is standing, bumping the latter off to the side)

Seagull: <Outta my way, pipsqueak; I want that spot.>

Tern 1: <Oh come on, you have literally the entire beach to stand on!>

Seagull: <Yeah, and I wanna stand here.  Whatcha gonna do about it, huh, wee one?>

Tern 1: <Well, as you may not have noticed, right now there is only one of you, and about 15 and counting of us.>

Seagull: (Side-eyes the growing number of terns landing in a surrounding circle) < …Spot just got boring.>  (Flies off as terns give a battle cry and fly in pursuit)

Friend 1: (Takes out a sandwich) Final–

(A human couple who had been strolling hand-in-hand along the water stop in front of Friend 1’s view; one turns to the other, drops to one knee, and holds up an open ring box while the other immediately bursts into tears)

Proposer: Love of my life, will you –

Friend 1: (In mid-chew) No!  None of that mush right in my sightline of the ocean!  Move along 50 feet to one side or the other, as long as it’s out of my radius!

Proposee: But we need a witness to our magical moment!

Friend 1: (Points to the water) There’s a dolphin over there who I’m sure is more than happy to oblige!

(The two briskly trot to another spot 50 feet away and resume their previous positions)

Proposer: Love of my life, will you –

Proposee: Yes-yes-just-give-me-the-ring-and-you!

Friend 1: (Resumes eating) If I’d wanted a rom-com, I’d’ve brought a TV with me.

(A beachgoer with a metal detector crosses in front of Friend 1, stops suddenly when the detector starts making a lot of noise, throws it aside, and begins shoveling wildly)

Beachgoer: This is it!  I just know it!

Friend 1: No it isn’t!  Decamp!

Beachgoer: (Still shoveling, now in a large hole) But the mother lode is right here!  The detector never lies!

Lifeguard: (Runs over, blowing the whistle shrilly) Hey!  There’s no digging on the beach unless you’re making an impermanent sand castle!

Beachgoer: (Now only head and shoulders above the sand, still shoveling) This isn’t digging, it’s excavating!

Lifeguard: That’s even worse!

Beach Patrol Officer: (Appeared on the scene in the meantime; to Beachgoer) Stop what you’re doing and get out of there now.

Beachgoer: (Strikes something hard at the bottom of the hole) Ooh, I’ve reached buried treasure at last!  (Raises a metal box aloft just in time for Beach Patrol Officer to slap on a pair of handcuffs, then hoist Beachgoer out of the hole with Lifeguard’s assistance)

Lifeguard: (Releases Beachgoer, then stares down at the massive hole) I hope this is an easy fix – I’d hate to see the beach preservation society members start crying again.

Beachgoer: (Still holding onto the box and trying not to be moved along by Beach Patrol Officer) Wait, I have to know what’s inside!

Beach Patrol Officer: Stolen property, that’s what.

(The two begin a tug-of-war over the box until the terns return very noisily to dive-bomb it)

Terns: <Food!  Food!  Food!  Food!>

Seagull: (Swoops in to knock away a few terns) <Gimme!>

Beachgoer: (Still holding onto the box as Beach Patrol Officer and Lifeguard try to shoo away the birds) Thieves!  Finders keepers, that’s the rule!

Friend 1: (Stares through everyone to the ocean beyond as the battle rages on with sand being kicked all around and wings and legs and arms flying all over the place while the human yelling and the bird screaming increase in pitch ever higher as the pouring rain begins) So…peaceful….

Story 501: Never Turn Down a Free Cruise

NOVEMBER

 Friend 1: (On the phone) Hi, I’m in the middle of the supermarket checkout line and everyone’s glaring at me, what’s up?

Friend 2: (On the phone) You… could’ve just let it go to voicemail and called me back later.

Friend 1: I could’ve but now I’m in too deep, so what’s up?

Friend 2: Well, long story short, I found out I won an actual, legitimate cruise for two to Alaska for next year and since none of my family are even remotely interested I figured I’d ask you next.

Friend 1: Aw, offering me to be your plus-one on a free cruise, you’re so sweet!  This must be what it feels like to be rich!

Friend 2: A little bit, yeah.  But it’s only the room and main meals that are free – everything else is à la carte.

Friend 1: Naturally.  You know, I’ve never been on a cruise before; I’ll have to think about it first and get back to you.

Shopper 1: (Standing behind Friend 1) What’s to think about; it’s a free cruise!

Shopper 2: (Standing in front of Friend 1; turns around) Where’s it going?

Friend 1: Alaska.

Shopper 2: I’ve always wanted to go there!  Take the free ride!

Shopper 1: If you don’t, I will!

Friend 2: Sounds like the committee voted “Yes.”

Friend 1: (To Friend 2) Yeah, sure, it sounds great, it’s just all so sudden, I have to figure out if I can get time off from work and how we’re gonna get there and back and all the logistics stuff.

Shopper 2: Who cares?!

Friend 1: (To Shopper 2) Clearly I do.

Friend 2: It’ll be in July so it’s plenty of advance notice for work; I’ll book everything and let you know whatever your share is for plane tickets and what-not; this’ll-be-great-thanks-bye!  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Puts away the phone and stares into space) “Plane tickets”?

Shopper 2: Who cares?!

Friend 1: But flying’s such an ordeal; can’t the ship just swing by and pick me up?

 JULY

DAY 1

(At a pier in Seattle)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1 after they pay their taxi driver and Haul their suitcases to the line of tourists; points to the docked cruise ship) There it is!  Life size now!

Friend 1: (Looking around) There what is?  A giant apartment building’s blocking the view.

Friend 2: That’s it!  That’s the ship!  Don’t you see the lifeboats and the bow and the portholes?!

Friend 1: (Long blinks and looks at the entire vessel up and down) That’s the ship?!  It’s a floating city!

Friend 2: Pretty much – last I heard the medical bay was expanded into a full-blown hospital this year, complete with a double-decker ambulance.  Didn’t you watch any of the videos I sent you that showed all the stuff on board?

Friend 1: I wanted to manage my expectations.

(Later on the pool deck, Friend 1 and Friend 2 lounge on chairs and watch the kiddies and their parents splash around)

Friend 1: (Eating an ice cream sundae) I’ve noticed that no matter how early in a party it is, there’s always somebody in the pool.

Friend 2: Yep – it’ll probably be too cold for most of the trip once we head north, but there’s a heated pool inside and a few hot tubs we can bake in for about 15 minutes a pop.

Friend 1: Too cold?  It’s the middle of summer!

Friend 2: Yeah, and we’ll be knocking on the door of the Arctic Circle.

Friend 1: Tell that to the now-amphibious polar bears!

Friend 2: (Sips a lemonade and mutters) It’s not that bad there.  Yet.

Friend 1: (Devours the cone) Well, the minute I see palm trees where we’re going, I’ll know the end has come.  (Opens a brochure to Juneau that shows palm trees in the scenery; holds out the picture to Friend 2) KNEW IT!!!

Friend 2: Relax; palm trees can grow there; we’ll still see glaciers and snow.

Friend 1: Before they turn to water!

Friend 2: (Stands) Whatever: I’m going to our skydiving simulator reservation – you still coming?

Friend 1: (Immediately trots to the upper deck) No need to ask.

(In the main dining room at dinner)

Friend 1: (Reading a menu) So I can order every single thing on this, twice, and not get charged for it?

Friend 2: Basically, except for the specials on the bottom that are extra – everything else is included, so go wild.

Friend 1: (Softly, while scanning the dish descriptions) Yesssss….

Server: (Returning after taking drink orders earlier) Hello, ready to order?

Friend 1: Yes: I want one of each, sans the items with dollar signs next to them, and the extras boxed up to bring back to the room, please.

Server: (Writing down “EVERYTHING”) OK, I’ll wheel you out a few trays later.  (To Friend 2) Same for you?

Friend 2: No thanks – just the salad, fish, and key lime pie, please.  (To Friend 1) I actually have some self-control.

Friend 1: Apparently, that attitude is not encouraged here.

Server: (Finishes writing the orders and takes the menus) Great – your food will be out in a few minutes!  There’ll also be a magic show here starting soon that’ll be your entertainment for the evening, so enjoy!  (Leaves to round on 10 other tables)

Friend 1: Wow.  Everyone who works here is super nice – I almost feel guilty.

Friend 2: Why?

Friend 1: Because I’m tempted to start asking for unreasonable things just to see if they’ll do it.

Friend 2: Ew – I thought you were going to say you feel bad that they’re working all the time trying to “please” us and all we have to do is be grateful and tip generously afterward.

Friend 1: That too.  (Glances at watch) I forgot to check – when’s this show getting on the road?

Friend 2: The magic show?

Friend 1: No, the cruise!  I thought we would’ve started sailing ages ago!

Friend 2: We did.  (Gestures to a window) See?  Just the open water now.

Friend 1: (Leans forward to stare, then places hands on the table and stares at it) I don’t even feel anything moving….

Friend 2: I know, right?  Ship stabilizers are great these days!

Friend 1: (Still holding onto the steady table) Most… disconcerting….

(Several hours later)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 as they leave the main theater with the rest of the audience) I tell ya, that juggler-acrobat-comedian-contortionist-stenographer was great!  Sure don’t get talent like that back home!

Friend 2: We… sure do, all the time; how many shows are in our area that are just like that?

Friend 1: Yeah, but it feels more special when it’s being done on the high seas.  (Stops to peer longingly at a gourmet milkshake shop in the main avenue of the ship as the crowds and scooters whiz by all around them)

Friend 2: That stuff’s part of the extras, you know.

Friend 1: Yet totally worth it.  (Turns to take in everyone around them) Would you look at that: people came from all over the world to this one spot, either to have a good time or to possibly be overworked providing a good time to others.  I wonder if this is the closest the world’ll ever get to utopia?

Friend 2: I doubt it: too expensive, consumerist, and wasteful to be ideal.

Friend 1: (Glances at the plate suddenly in Friend  2’s hands) I noticed that hasn’t stopped you from taking all the free pizza.

Friend 2: (Between bites) When am I ever gonna get the chance again to have 10 different styles of pie and not feel it in my wallet?  I’m at peace with my hypocrisy.

Friend 1: That’s great.  (Takes out phone and scrolls through the ever-expanding itinerary on the cruise app) Well, it’s only midnight; up next is standing on line for an hour for bumper cars – you in?

Friend 2: No thanks; that’s all you.

Friend 1: Oh, it will be once I’m done demolishing my teenage adversaries.  (Skips away to run up 10 flights of stairs rather than wait two minutes for an elevator)

Friend 2: (Also takes out phone to check the app) No way they can fit bumper cars on this thing.  (Sees a picture of the massive sports center) Heh – whaddya know.  (Continues eating with one hand while scrolling with the other and walking toward the casino) Ooh, pickleball at 7 a.m. – trendy.

 DAY 8

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stand on line with their suitcases to disembark the ship)

Friend 1: I can’t believe we’ve been here more than a week and it’s already over!  I didn’t even get to check out the library yet!

Friend 2: There’s way too much going on to do everything; I’m just glad I got to do all the trivia contests I wanted.  Lost them all, but still.

Friend 1: Speak for yourself – I won a fabulous highlighter that one time.

Friend 2: We were supposed to be working as a team, you know.

Friend 1: Is it my fault you have zero knowledge of 80s music?  I can’t be held back when I’m on a winning streak.

Friend 2: Anyway, those and the shore excursions were what I really wanted to do, and I’m glad they all went well.

Friend 1: Yep, those were great.  Learned so much about the Native American tribes who live there, and the Russian colonists who used to live there, and all the land the latter sold to the U.S. right out from under the former, and how the U.S. was all “Too bad”, and how there’s really nothing you and I can do about it now except appreciate the history and culture and give lots and lots of tourism money.

Friend 2: …Yeah, all that.  And we did get to see the glaciers.

Friend 1: And loads of bald eagles and ravens!  But, disappointed - no whales.

Friend 2: Or dolphins.

Friend 1: Or bears.

Friend 2: Eh – not up close for me.

Friend 1: Or Northern Lights.

Friend 2: Wrong time of year.

Friend 1: Still – lately they’ve been showing up randomly way south of where they should be, it would’ve been nice when we’re actually in their home base if they’d made a guest appearance just once during the 10 p.m. sunsets.

Friend 2: Sure, sure.  Well, at least we got to see the glaciers before they fully melted.

Friend 1: Yeah, that was pretty cool.  (Looks out to the pier and mutters) Pun intended.

Friend 2: Yeah.  (They advance several inches in line) Since you really got to experience glacier melt firsthand.

Friend 1: (Still looking out to the pier) We agreed never to speak of that again….

 TO BE CONTINUED