Story 628: `Tis the Season for Taxes!

             (On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, whatcha up to on this fine summer’s day?

Sibling 2: It’s still March.

Sibling 1: I said what I said: it’s 80 degrees outside, and I’m wearing shorts and a tank top with the A/C cranked up inside.

Sibling 2: Can’t argue with that.  Whelp, I’m not dressed for the beach, and instead I’m celebrating one of the Rites of Spring in getting all my tax stuff together.

Sibling 1: Oh.  What for?

Sibling 2: For… taxes.

Sibling 1: Why, you owe any?

Sibling 2: Hopefully not this year, but I gotta do them soon since I left it a little late, or else I’ll really owe something.

Sibling 1: What’s the point? 

Sibling 2: “What’s the point?”???

Sibling 1: Yeah, why do double-work?  They’re already taken out of your paychecks for you anyway, right?

Sibling 2: …Are you telling me that you’ve never had your taxes done?!

Sibling 1: Sure I have.

Sibling 2: Oh thank –

Sibling 1: Every paycheck, like I just said.

Sibling 2: ….

Sibling 1: So I don’t get why you’re making more work for yourself when it’s already been taken care of by Payroll.

Sibling 2: I don’t believe what I’m hearing right now.  Are you saying, that in your decades of working life on this planet, you haven’t once filed a tax return?!

Sibling 1: Ooh, they return all the taxes to us?  Wish I’d known about that from the beginning; thanks a lot.

Sibling 2: No, you doofus, you have to report your income to the state and federal government every year and make sure they didn’t over- or under-withhold!

Sibling 1: And why would I do that?  Shouldn’t that be something Payroll should have gotten right the first time?

Sibling 2: Well, ideally, but tax and interest rates constantly change, and there’s also the income from the interest on your bank account, and taxes you paid on loans and other expenses, and the extra income from your never-ending side hustles that never get anywhere, and that one time you actually won the lottery –

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, that was sweet; we had a great family vacation that year, didn’t we?

Sibling 2: Of course, and I’ll treasure the memory always, but ALL OF THAT IS REPORTABLE!

Sibling 1: Jeez, Principal, you make it sound like I’m gonna get detention.

Sibling 2: You’re gonna get the extreme version of that instead!  What about all those times Mom and Dad brought you to their account when you had those part-time jobs in high school?!

Sibling 1: Oh, those?  I thought that was because I was a minor.

Sibling 2: No, numbskull!  Well, partially, but once you graduated adolescence you were supposed to do those on your own!  Every year!  Have you never heard of April 15?!

Sibling 1: Of course I have: the Ides of April, right?

Sibling 2: I wish I could reach through the phone and smack you upside the head right now.

Sibling 1: Rude.

Sibling 2: So in all those years, did you never wonder why you were getting W2 forms from work?!

Sibling 1: Actually yeah, I always did kind of wonder since they don’t apply to me: I’m not a World War 2 veteran, and that was ages ago anyway.

Sibling 2: That’s WW2!

Sibling 1: Oh, right.  Mystery solved, then.

Sibling 2: What about 1040 forms, 1099, 1095, anything?!

Sibling 1: I figured they were all just informational, provided as a courtesy.  Kind of like when you donate to an organization and they send you a summary at the end of the year?  I always wondered how I could claim it on my taxes like they all say I can, since I don’t think work would handle something like that.

Sibling 2: This!  This is how you claim it!  You file your tax return and you itemize your deductions so the donations can count toward your refund!

Sibling 1: …Yeah, that’s a lot of words that mean nothing to me, sorry.

Sibling 2: I think I’m losing my mind right now; so since you clearly haven’t filed anything since you left the nest, in all these years have you never gotten any letters saying you need to pay penalties for all the many, many returns you missed?!

Sibling 1: Well if I did, I probably threw them out like the scams they are: everyone knows that a legitimate organization will never send a letter in the mail and will call you instead.

Sibling 2: The phone call’s the scam – the letter’s the real thing!  Usually.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Then, oops.

Sibling 2: Yeah, “oops”: you probably owe a million dollars in penalties by now, and at least five years in jail!

Sibling 1: No, I mean “oops” in that I thought the call about my vehicle’s warranty was the real thing – guess I gotta cancel all my credit cards now.

Sibling 2: They’ve probably been cleaned out for you already.  Listen, I don’t care what you’re doing today, I’m coming over and going through your stuff and your garbage and try to salvage what we can for this year, then make an appointment with Mom and Dad’s accountant to help straighten out this awful mess, and then throw yourself on the mercy of the powers-that-be and hope that they realize you’re too much of a dolt to waste their time prosecuting you once they’ve gotten their money.

Sibling 1: So rude.  And I fail to understand how it’s their money – I’m the one who earned it!

Sibling 2: You like schools?

Sibling 1: Not particularly, but I dealt with them as a necessary evil.

Sibling 2: You like fire departments?

Sibling 1: Um, sure…?

Sibling 2: Libraries?  Parks?  Law enforcement?  Recycling?  Emergency medical – ?

Sibling 1: OK, OK, why are you changing the subject?

Sibling 2: They’re paid for by taxes!

Sibling 1: Really?  I always thought they were financed by extremely rich people wanting the tax write-off.  Ohhh, I get that now, too.

Sibling 2: Argh!

Sibling 1: Huh.  So that means I’m the boss of all of them, right?  Oh, so that’s why those weirdos say “My taxes pay your salary!” 

Sibling 2: Unfortunately, yes.

Sibling 1: I think I’ll start using that line now, too.

Sibling 2: Please don’t.

Sibling 1: Just once?

Sibling 2: Absolutely not.

Sibling 1: Fine.  So, this was fun: I’m going to doze off in my makeshift cabana now.

Sibling 2: Uh-uh, I’m coming over now.

Sibling 1: Ugh, If you insist.

Sibling 2: Since I’m obligated to at least try to keep you out of prison – yes, I do insist.

Sibling 1: All right, I’ll be lounging in the living room when you get here.  You know, this really is a whole lot of fuss for something that should be completely automated at this point in our digital existence. 

Sibling 2: I’d almost agree with you, but we’ve gone so long with this method that the process of converting to any alternative system is just too exhausting to even think about now.

Story 623: Doctor vs. Patient

            (In a hospital procedural suite, Patient lies propped up in a stretcher while wearing a hospital gown, non-slip socks, and a ready-to-go IV port in one arm, and glares at a clock on the wall while tapping fingers on a side railing when Doctor 1 suddenly zips around the corner)

Doctor 1: (Carrying a tablet) Heyyyyyyy – sorry I’m running a little late this morning –office called me with a last-minute appointment that I had work into today’s schedule over the phone – everyone wants everything – you know how it is….  (Starts typing on the tablet)

Patient: (Stops tapping and stares at Doctor 1) You didn’t get up extra early and wound up stuck in the snow and ice like the rest of us this morning – you don’t have to lie to me.

Doctor 1: Heh-heh-heh.  (In a low voice without looking up) Appreciate it if you didn’t mention that to anyone else.  (Hands over the tablet) Sign at the bottom, please.

Patient: (Speed reads the digital forms) What is this now?  I thought I already signed everything on the portal?

Doctor 1: Almost: it’s a procedural consent.

Patient: (Looks up at Doctor 1) I signed 15 of those yesterday.

Doctor 1: Not this one.

Patient: (Sighs and signs with an index finger) I would say that my presence here, inadequately clothed at a pre-dawn hour, would have made it abundantly clear that I consent to this procedure, but I know how these things go.  (Hands back the tablet) Here.  Can we get this necessary invasion of my body orifice over with now, please?

Doctor 1: (Types on the tablet) Almost…. You finished the prep last night and are all clear now, correct?

Patient: Oh, I’d better be – that’s an experience I’ll never forget, or forgive.  The scope you’re using had better show that I’m all clear at this point, for I have nothing left to give.  (Shudders at the memory)

Doctor 1: (Still reading through forms on the tablet) Uh-huh, uh-huh.  (Furrows a brow, then looks at Patient) Has the anesthesiologist been by yet?

Patient: No, just everyone else who works here, and you.  Why?

Doctor 1: Need to sign a consent for that, too.

Patient: (Momentarily lets head fall back onto the pillow dramatically) Argh, just digitally rubber-stamp my signature on whatever forms that say you all can do whatever needs to be done to my helpless body, and let’s get on with it!  I have places to go, food to eat, and naps to take!

Nurse: (Maneuvers between Doctor 1 and the stretcher to check the IV port on Patient’s arm) Anesthesiologist called earlier and is on the way; got stuck with an emergency in the O.R.

Patient: HA!  That would be last shift’s problem – bet it was snow and ice again.  I’m not ashamed to admit it, so I don’t see why everyone else is.

(Doctor 2 suddenly zips around the corner while peering closely at a tablet, stops, and looks up at Patient; both freeze on seeing each other)

Doctor 2: You?!

Patient: You!?

Doctor 1: (Points back-and-forth at both) You… two know each other?

Patient: You can say that again!  (Gestures at Doctor 2) I’ve been that one’s accountant for ages!

Doctor 2: Ex-accountant!  I fired you years ago!

Patient: And you still never sent anything in writing about it, so our financial divorce was never official!

Doctor 2: Is that why your name is still all over my paperwork?

Patient: Oh yeah!  And you owe me years of fees, years!

Doctor 2: Nothing doing!  You lost me money every tax season, and I got audited five times!

Patient: What do you expect when your records are a disaster?!  For the longest time I thought you were trying to pull a fast one, but I finally realized that you’re just a mess, an absolute mess!

Doctor 2: Well, maybe it all wouldn’t have been such a mess if I’d had an advisor who knew what they were doing!

Patient: (On an intake of breath) How dare you!

Doctor 2: (Suddenly turns to Doctor 1) Doctor, I would like to recuse myself from this procedure today, please.

Patient: Yes, please!  I can’t believe I completely forgot after all these years that you claimed to work here!

Doctor 2: I do work here!

Patient: …That goes without saying!  (To Doctor 1) So, I want a new anesthesiologist, ASAP!

Doctor 1: What – no – we can’t, this is the only anesthesiologist working up here today, and I’m already behind schedule!

Patient: Just grab the other anesthesiologist hovering somewhere else in the building, then – I’ll wait.

Doctor 2: Other one’s in the middle of a bilateral knee replacement in the O.R., and that’ll take hours.

Patient: HA!  No wait, I believe that one.

Doctor 1: Well, I can’t wait until that’s all done down there: I’ve got 23 other procedures up here today, and then I’ve gotta get back to the office to see patients there until who-knows-when tonight!  It never stops and I never get any rest!

Doctor 2: Don’t talk to me about never getting any rest: my shifts start before the Sun rises and supposedly end in the afternoon, but with all the paperwork and the emergencies and the last-minute add-on cases I’m lucky I get out of here before meeting myself the next day!

Patient: Excuse me!  (Everyone turns to Patient) I scheduled this in the middle of tax season because I was told – (Glares at Doctor 1) that it was so important and had to be done, but at this time of year I’m working with and without the Sun for months on end so don’t come crying to me!

Doctor 1: We don’t have a season!  Healthcare is 24/7!

Patient: Sounds like a “you” problem!  I still want a replacement for this deadbeat putting me in a temporary coma!

Doctor 2: If I’m a deadbeat, then where’d all my income go, hm?!

Patient: I don’t know, check wherever you bury all your other worldly goods!

Doctor 2: Swindler!

Patient: Quack! 

Doctor 1, Doctor 2, and Nurse: <Gasp!>

Patient: (Calmer) I apologize: I didn’t mean to insult you fine clinicians or the healthcare profession as a whole.

Doctor 1: (Rubbing temples; to Patient) Regardless, if we don’t start the procedure within the next… (Checks the wall clock) three minutes, we’ll have to reschedule.

Patient: (Nods) For later today.

Doctor 1: No, for another day.

Patient: (Hisses) I am not going through that prep more than once a decade, do-you-hear-me?!

Doctor 1: Well, it’ll be once every five years with your family history – (Patient’s eyes widen and mouth drops open) but if you don’t want to repeat it this year, then we’ve all gotta go now!

(Patient glares at Doctor 1, then at Doctor 2 who shakes head in disgust at Patient, then at Nurse who is quietly seething)

Next Patient: (Sharply draws back the curtains separating the two stretchers and addresses Patient) If you’re not going, does that mean I can go now?!  I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning and I’m starving!

Patient: We’re all starving – deal with it!  (Yanks the curtain back closed, stares at the others for several moments, then holds out a hand for Doctor 2’s tablet; the latter quickly gives it to Patient who signs without reading it and mumbles) I don’t believe it – for once I get to be the client, and I still have no rights, no rights whatsoever!

Nurse: You have the right to privacy.

Patient: (Hands back the tablet to Doctor 2) Not once I’m in that procedure room, I won’t!

Doctor 1: (While grabbing one side of the stretcher railings as Nurse grabs the other; they release the brake and race Patient to the procedure room) All-right-thank-you-let’s-go-let’s-go-let’s-go!

Patient: (Points wildly to Doctor 2 while being rushed through the corridor; the latter jogs after the stretcher to keep up) Just remember: if you try anything funny in there, I’ll be surrounded by a room full of witnesses!

Doctor 2: (As Patient’s stretcher is parked in the procedure room and everyone scrambles to get things ready, plants leads on Patient’s chest and puts nasal cannula around Patient’s head and up the nose, starting oxygen flow) Are you kidding?!  I could do everything right and still get sued, reported to every State and Federal organization out there, and have to relive it every time I apply for a new position or need new malpractice insurance – could you imagine how much more of a nightmare it’d be if I actually did mess up?!  On purpose??!!

Patient: I wouldn’t put it past you!  You never gave me the information I needed to fill out Form 706 that one year, and then complained when you got notices yelling at you about it later!

Doctor 2: I didn’t – !

Nurse: (Preparing equipment) All right, not that I don’t want to interrupt, but before we start there are few last checks we have to do.  (To Patient) Your date of birth?

Patient: Again?!  It’s --/--/----!  And now I think I’ve told the entire hospital twice how old I wish I wasn’t!

Nurse: Great, and who is the doctor performing the procedure today?

Patient: You don’t know?!

Nurse: Of course we – just answer the question, please.

Patient: Sorry: Dr. ------.

Nurse: Thank you.  Now –

Patient: Not for nothing, but at this point I refuse to complete the rest of your time-out process without being paid at least some of your salary.  (Turns on the stretcher to lie on the left side) Do with me what you will.

Doctor 2: (Injects solutions into the IV port) All right, sleep tight: your life is in my hands now, heh-heh.

Patient: (Falling asleep) If I wake up in the middle of all this, I’ll know it was you….

Doctor 1: (While preparing the scope; to Doctor 2) Out?

Doctor 2: (Checks Patient and a monitor) Yes, thankfully.

Doctor 1: Good: let’s get this done so I can get to all the others piling up like a backed-up conveyer belt out there.  (Starts the procedure and examines a monitor)  You know, these things are trying enough to do without the added drama. 

Doctor 2: (Also examining a monitor) Heh, you’re telling me…. Speaking of which, I’ve gotta schedule one of these things for myself soon: you think you’d be available –

Doctor 1: (Without looking at Doctor 2) Absolutely not.

Doctor 2: Fair enough.