Story 588: Better Not Forget About Mother’s Day

 SATURDAY, MAY 3

            (In a townhouse, Sibling 2 is folding laundry on the living room couch while listening to the radio with the volume turned up to the max)

Sibling 2: (Singing along, also to the max) <AND IIIIIIIIIIIII/ DON’T KNOOOOOOOWWWWW THE WOOOOOOORDS/ OOOOOOOOOOH, I – > (Is interrupted by knocking on the front door and turns briefly to the open windows) Oops.  (Turns off the radio and checks the door’s peephole) Oh good.  (Unlocks and opens the door) Hey there – thought you were one of my neighbors telling me to shut up.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, get that a lot?

Sibling 2: Very funny; come on in.

(Sibling 1 enters but stays in the entranceway as Sibling 2 closes the door)

Sibling1: Thanks.  Sorry to drop in like this –

Sibling 2: Not at all; want something to drink?

Sibling 1: No thanks, I’ll make this quick.  (Shoves hands into pants pockets and starts rocking back and forth in muted excitement) Soooo, I know this is last-minute, but I just saw a billboard on the highway this morning saying that ----- is having a surprise concert in town, as in actually here, next Sunday!  Out of nowhere!

Sibling 2: Really, here?  Why?

Sibling 1: Who knows?!  So, if I somehow can get tickets, you wanna go?

Sibling 2: To a concert next Sunday.

Sibling 1: (Nods and starts lightly bouncing in glee) Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Sibling 2: Next Sunday, as in the second Sunday of May.

Sibling 1: (Nods some more) Yep, all day!

Sibling 2: (Crosses arms) Yeah, do you know what happens on the second Sunday of May in most countries in the world?  Including this one?

Sibling 1: (Stops bouncing and twitches jaw in thought) The… Sun also rises?

Sibling 2: (Suddenly uncrosses arms) It’s Mother’s Day, you dope!

Sibling 1: (Gasps and briefly brings hands to face) Ohhhhh nooooo!  That’s this year?!

Sibling 2: It’s every year!

Sibling 1: Oh right.

Sibling 2: And lemme guess: you forgot to make a reservation for brunch like you said you would after Mother’s Day last year.

Sibling 1: That was last year?!  I thought that was two years ago and you were supposed to make the reservation this year!

Sibling 2: (Looking confused) No… no, I did it last year…?  (Looks off into the distance of memory)

Sibling 1: (Looks off into the same distance) Or were Mom and Dad on that cruise last year and it was actually three… no, four…?

Sibling 2: Five…?

(They suddenly look at each other in horror)

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH – !

FIVE MINUTES LATER

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 are sitting on the living room couch next to piles of folded laundry, each holding a glass of water and staring at nothing)

Sibling 2: Well, now that that existential crisis has been put on hold for the moment: what are we going to do about Mother’s Day?

Sibling 1: I guess I can try making a reservation… somewhere, but I think everywhere around here’s been booked for that day since last Thanksgiving.

Sibling 2: Maybe we can try, I dunno, making something instead?

Sibling 1: What, you mean, cooking something?

Sibling 2: Yeah.

Sibling 1: You?!

Sibling 2: Hey!

Sibling 1: Sorry, I mean: Me?!

Sibling 2: Eh, you’re right: we’re both hopeless in that department.  You’re every food delivery service’s best customer, and my gourmet limit is pasta, and maybe brownies if I’m paying attention.

Sibling 1: I always like your brownies.

Sibling 2: Thanks.

Sibling 1: At least you have some variety – best I can do is whip up a sandwich.  (Turns to Sibling 2) Hey, you think she’d like one of those?

Sibling 2: (Stares back in mild disbelief) I think we can do a tad better than that.

Sibling 1: Maybe, but you know Mom, she’ll be happy with whatever we get her, right?  And actually mean it, `cause it’s about the company and not the gift, right?!  Right??!!

Sibling 2: I know, but deep down, she’d be ever so slightly disappointed, not in the gift itself but in its representation of how we turned out in life, and she’d wonder “Where did I go wrong?”

Sibling 1: I often wonder that myself.

Sibling 2: (Stands decisively) OK, I’ve got it: pasta for dinner, brownies for dessert with bakery cookies as back-up in case I burn them, and you – (Points to Sibling 1) get some nice flowers that she can plant in the backyard garden.  Sound good?

Sibling 1: (Also stands) Sounds great!  Cheers!  (They tap glasses and start drinking, then stop with disgusted looks on their faces)

Sibling 2: (Spits water back into the glass) Yeah, I forgot they’re flushing the lines around here again.

Sibling 1: (Also spits the water back into the glass and hands that over to Sibling 2) Still tastes better than when they do it by me.

SUNDAY, MAY 11 – MOTHER’S DAY

(At Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s parents’ house, all four are seated around the dining room table)

Mom: (Finishing pasta with a bright smile) Well, I have to say, this is probably the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever had.

Sibling 1: Aw, Ma, you say that every year!

Mom: And I mean it every year!

Dad: Heh-heh, except for that one year we all got food poisoning `cause I’d picked up bad lettuce for the salad; remember that one?

Mom: (Eyes blazing) WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT YEAR!  (Dad freezes; Mom resets and smiles again) Now, I know we just finished dinner, but I’m really looking forward to what you brought for dessert!

Sibling 2: Thanks!  We can have that after we all clean up in here, if you want to plant those flowers out back now.

Mom: Oh no, honey, they need to stay in the vase.  (Points to a vase of flowers in the center of the table)

Sibling 2: (Through clenched teeth at Sibling 1) But they were supposed to be ones that could be planted outside.

Sibling 1: (Slurping up spaghetti remnants) Huh?

Mom: Well, these actually are indoor plants, and they go very nicely with the dining room color scheme.

Sibling 2: (Still at Sibling 1) Again, you had one job to do!  Can’t you tell the difference between outdoor plants and indoor ones?!

Sibling 1: Can you?!

Sibling 2: That’s not the point!

Sibling 1: Hey, you’re lucky I was even able to get these – I went to about 10 places before I found one that actually sold flowers!

Sibling 2: They’re in every supermarket around here, and you couldn’t go five feet this week without falling over a pop-up garden stand!  How have you survived in life this long?!

Sibling 1: Judgey hypocrite!

Sibling 2: Helpless twit!

(They partially stand to lunge across the table and start shoving each other by the shoulders, yelling incomprehensibly)

Dad: (Buttering up a roll and addressing Mom under Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s arms as the battle rages) You know, it’s always nice when we get together as a family, isn’t it?

Mom: (Sipping wine as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 drag each other to the living room to wrestle on the floor) Yes, but sometimes I wonder: where did I go wrong?

Story 396: I Totally Remember What I’m Supposed to Give for Father’s Day

 (Relaxing on a hammock in the backyard, Dad answers a ringing cell phone)

Dad: Oh hi, what’s up?

Friend 1: Can’t a loving child call their father for no reason?

Dad: They can, but I’m going to see you tomorrow anyway so your call today piques my curiosity.

Friend 1: Yes, well, seeing as that’s Father’s Day and all, in the hustle-and-bustle of restaurant reservations and driving logistics and what-not, I realized I forgot to ask what you’d like as a gift.

Dad: No you didn’t.

Friend 1: What’s that?

Dad: You didn’t forget, you asked me when you had dinner here a few weeks ago, and I’d said then all you had to give me was –

Friend 1: Oh right, that!  Of course I remember, hustle-and-bustle, I was just testing you!  Silly.

Dad: Listen, it’s OK if you forgot, there’s a lot going on and we all have our moments as we get older –

Friend 1: Nope!  No, this isn’t a moment – I remember everything perfectly – I’ll go get to it right now – byeeeeee!!!  (Disconnects the call and flees out the front door)

Dad: (Stares at the phone in concern) Oh dear.  I hope this doesn’t become a whole thing; it’s my day, after all, by gum.

(Meanwhile, Friend 1 drives to the local mall and tears through it in a tizzy with all the other last-minute Father’s Day shoppers)

Friend 1: (Plowing through a crowd in a bookstore) Outta my way!  (Scanning the displays) Military history?  True crime?  Biography?  Sci-fi Romance?  How could I have lived with this man the entire first half of my life and not know what he likes?!  (A thought hits the cranium) Oh – maybe he actually said he wants a new wallet.  (Plows through the crowd to the nearest department store and scans the displays)  Leather?  Pleather?  Or did he really want a tie instead?  (Feels a tap on the shoulder and spins around) What are you doing here?

Friend 2: I could ask you the same thing: you never go to the mall.

Friend 1: Well, I’m just like everyone else here today, another victim of holiday panic-shopping – you?

Friend 2: I had to order my gift and pick-up was today.

Friend 1: Why didn’t you just ship it home?

Friend 2: I like to support my local superstore.  Need any help picking out something?

Friend 1: Nope!  No, I know exactly what I’m getting; just trying to decide on size – color – shape – molecular structure –

Friend 2: Did you forget what he asked you to get him?

Friend 1: …I am neither confirming nor denying that.

Friend 2: You can ask him again, you know; he’ll understand.

Friend 1: But I won’t!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: I can’t have forgotten something like this, it’d just be so stupid!  So I’m going to keep looking at random objects until the memory obediently bobs back up to the surface of my drowning brain and I can snag that sucker once and for all!

Friend 2: Or you could confess all and get him a generic gift card.

Friend 1: Never!

 FATHER’S DAY

(At a restaurant, Dad, Mom, and Friend 1 have brunch)

Dad: I think I’m going to go all out today and order French toast and a Western omelet.

Mom: Go right ahead: it’s a holiday, so the stomach pains don’t count.

Dad: Good point – maybe some of that will be to-go.  (Nods at a large bag on the floor by Friend 1’s chair) So, what’ve you got there, sport?

Friend 1: Well, I was thinking, since your birthday and other gift-giving holidays’ll be here before you know it, why not just skip the wait and give them all to you now?  (Dumps various-sized wrapped presents onto the table) Happy Everything, Dad!

Dad: Wow, that’s swell, thank you!

Friend 1: You’re welcome!  (Slumps slightly in relief)

Dad: (Grabs a present and begins unwrapping it) You do know, since the three of us hadn’t eaten out together in so long, all I’d asked you and your mother for today was a nice Sunday brunch, right?

Mom: (To Friend 1) You were very vocal in your relief at the lack of effort involved.

Friend 1: (Eyes widening in final remembrance) I’m starting to recall such a conversation occurring.

            Dad: (Puts on the tie he unwrapped and grabs another present) It’s OK – you’re young yet, so it’s only downhill from here, kiddo.

Friend 1: (Starts to reach out to take back the present) Well wait, we should save these for later this year then –

Dad: (Holds present to his chest) Nope!  No, I’m opening these now, this is my day!  You’re set for the rest of the year.

Friend 1: But I can’t not get you anything when those days come up, I’ll feel like I forgot again!

Dad: Don’t make this a whole thing!