Story 529: I Forgot to Treat Myself on Valentine’s Day

             (At a café table)

Friend 2: – so now we all have to work overtime again hoping we at least break even, and I’m getting so tired of the whole thing I might finally quit.

Friend 1: Really?  But you’ve been there for years.

Friend 2: I know, and I won’t quit; it just feels better saying I might.

Friend 1: Know the feeling.

(They both sip their drinks in companionable silence)

Friend 2: So!  Yesterday must’ve been rough for you, huh.

Friend 1: In what way?

Friend 2: Wasn’t it Ash Wednesday?

Friend 1: Oh!  That.  Have to admit, I’m one of those Roman Catholics who got their ashes and a brief prayer from a chaplain at work, and skipped the rest.  Although, I restrained myself and did not have my usual Wednesday pizza for dinner so, go me.

Friend 2: Yeah, but this year it fell on Valentine’s Day.

Friend 1: (Eyes widen slowly in horror) …Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????!!!!!!

Friend 2: Yeah, somebody else I know was feeling down because they had to celebrate Valentine’s Day a few days early this time because day-of they had to fast and abstain and all that, so they got stuck doing their date night on Super Bowl Sunday which turned out to be another inconveniently scheduled event this year.  And I know you give up chocolate for Lent, so that must’ve been a real drag yesterday when you normally would’ve been celebrating the “holiday of love” with, you know, yourself.

Friend 1: (Still staring in shock) Valentine’s Day was yesterday?!

Friend 2: Yeah, how could you miss it?  All the stuff for it was on sale the day after Christmas.

Friend 1: But – but – I completely forgot to buy myself candy hearts and bouquets of chocolate roses and sea salt caramels and gourmet dinner!  What kind of soul mate am I to myself if I forget the biggest self-love holiday of the year?!

Friend 2: You can still do all that stuff now; just eliminate one ingredient and you’ll be fine.

Friend 1: No, don’t you see it’s too late and now I’m entrenched in the season of deprivation?!  Mardi Gras was right there too and I blew it!  (Sinks head onto the table and groans in annoyance)

Friend 2: (Finishes the drink) That’s too bad – gonna make yourself sleep on the couch tonight, then?

Friend 1: (Looks up again) Yes!

Friend 2: Ohhh-kaaaay….

(At Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: (Staring morosely at various bags of chocolate candy on the kitchen counter) And we didn’t even get a proper good-bye.  (Scoops up the bags, throws them into a cabinet, and welds the door shut) See you in a month-and-a-half.  (Goes to the living room, lies down on the couch, and takes a nap)

[Dream]

Friend 1a: (Entering the apartment) Whoo!  That was an obnoxious day.

Friend 1b: (Cooking dinner on the stove) I’ll bet.  So, you got something for me?

Friend 1a: Umm… love and respect?

Friend 1b: No, idiot: Valentine’s Day candy!

Friend 1a: That’s today?!

Friend 1b: No, idiot: it falls on Ash Wednesday this year so you were supposed to do the last hurrah the day before!

Friend 1a: How could I have missed this?!

Friend 1b: Since you can’t even seem to remember the explicit date of February 14 that’s so embedded with the holiday they’re practically twins, I shouldn’t be surprised that this liturgical calendar complication slipped your notice as well.

Friend 1a: All right, all right, I’ll go get some chocolate candy now!

Friend 1b: It’s too late: all the stores are closed, it’s midnight so it’s already Ash Wednesday and the sacrifice begins!

Friend 1a: How can it be midnight; I just got home from work!

Friend 1b: Who cares about all that?!  You never think about my needs; it’s always you-you-you, and your chronic obliviousness!

Friend 1a: (Collapses onto a kitchen chair) What am I gonna do?!  One of the few times of the year where it’s socially acceptable to overindulge in sweets, and now that I missed it by one day I’ve gotta wait another 46 before happiness is mine again!

Friend 1b: (Now has a suitcase and is wearing a coat) This is just typical: not only are you missing the whole point of the season, but your one job is to keep me supplied in chocolate bliss for 9/10ths of the year and you failed on the holiday where it counts the most.

Friend 1a: What about Halloween?

Friend 1b: Halloween isn’t about love!  This is, and you clearly don’t love me!

Friend 1a: Well, you can be a bit of a pain sometimes.

Friend 1b: Aha!  There it is: the inevitable resentment buried within the essence of supposed “true love.”  I’m leaving, and you’ll have to sleep on the couch from now on!

Friend 1a: …But why, if you’re leaving?

Friend 1b: (On the way out the door) Maybe I’ll see you in 46 days, but you’d better have all the chocolate heart boxes that go on sale later this week, and all the chocolate bunnies and all the chocolate eggs for Easter, or we’re through!  (Slams the door, which makes Friend 1 wake up)

[/Dream]

Friend 1: Wow.  Good thing I’m not in a relationship for real – I’d never make it past any holiday.

Story 432: Make the Most of Mardi Gras

 SUNDAY

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 are walking in the park, the latter a bit gingerly)

Friend 1: How’s the ankle?

Friend 2: Surprisingly almost its old self – just don’t ask me to run anywhere.

Friend 1: I’ll try to remember not to.  (They walk in silence for about a minute) So, I decided this year I’m finally going to do it.

Friend 2: I think you may have had an entire conversation in your head where I wasn’t present: what exactly is “it”?

Friend 1: Right, sorry; have trouble distinguishing imagination from memory sometimes; I’m gonna do Mardi Gras this year.

Friend 2: Oh.  Well, that’s a bit last-minute – were you able to get a plane ticket and hotel that fast?

Friend 1: What?  Oh, no, I’m not going to Nooohhhrlaaaahhhns or anything like that.

Friend 2: I know the city is technically pronounced close to what you just mangled there, but maybe in your case stick to “New Orleans.”

Friend 1: Fine, whatever.  No, I’m not flying anywhere and making poor decisions surrounded by thousands of strangers: I’m staying here and making poor decisions surrounded by my furniture.

Friend 2: Lovely.  So, what’s the plan?

Friend 1: (Excitedly) Well, you know how pretty much every Lent I give up smoking since I don’t do that anyway and then my life remains unchanged for the month-and-a-half it’s supposed to be more uncomfortable than usual?

Friend 2: Vaguely.

Friend 1: So this year, I decided instead to give up candy.

Friend 2: (Stops suddenly and grabs Friend 1’s shoulder) Are you feeling all right?  You didn’t get some horrible diagnosis and this is your way of telling me?

Friend 1: (Chuckles as Friend 2 lets go of shoulder and they both start walking again) Oh, I’m probably due for one, but nope – I’m not going to have a single piece of candy for 46 whole days.

Friend 2: I thought it was only 40 whole days?

Friend 1: I count all the preliminaries to Easter – the week before was no picnic – and I hold no truck with those who say Sundays “don’t count” for this.

Friend 2: All right, circling back: you sure want to give up all candy, not just certain types?  I thought candy’s your jam.

Friend 1: I know, it’ll be a massive sacrifice on my part, I’m sure I’ll be remembered with the great martyrs of old –

Friend 2: Don’t push it.

Friend 1: – it’ll be good for my health, and I think mentally too, cutting out all that sugar for an extended time.  But first: Mardi Gras.

Friend 2: Ah yes, what’s your grand scheme for Fat Tuesday?

Friend 1: (Wrinkles nose briefly) Is that what it means?  Rude.  Anyway: I can’t ask off from work `cause there’s a big meeting I can’t get out of and some corporate whoevers are visiting and some State regulators are inspecting the building and we’re expecting to get cited for health code violations, but, the night is mine.

Friend 2: …OK, then what?

Friend 1: Then, I have the Ultimate Candy Feast.

Friend 2: Oh good gourd, my teeth hurt just asking: what does that involve?

Friend 1: My stash – I’m finishing it off.

Friend 2: I seem to remember you having a few dozen items in that stash, and the whole never getting smaller.

Friend 1: Oh yes, I make sure I’m constantly supplied, but my self-control –

Friend 2: HA!  Sorry, go ahead.

Friend 1: My self-control kept me from going through all that like a whirlwind.  That changes this Mardi Gras.

Friend 2: Well, be careful: too much of that stuff all at once will render your previous “self-control” moot.

Friend 1: I sneer at your air quotes and point out that I will pace myself much as a marathon runner does, and reach the finish line both satisfied and accepting of the long-term abstinence that awaits me.

Friend 2: Goodie.  All I can say is: good luck, and when you have your inevitable sugar overload, call 9-1-1 and not me.

Friend 1: Oh ye of little faith.

 TUESDAY

(Friend 1 sits at the kitchen table at home, surrounded by all types of candy)

Friend 1: (Muttering while unwrapping a chocolate bar) Inspections every month now – hour-long meetings every week – reports every day – wipe down all surfaces at start and end of shift – (Takes a huge bite out of the bar and chews loudly) I didn’t have a problem with my work station, so why does my life now have to be upheaved?!  (Stops mid-bite) Wait a minute: this is my Mardi Gras!  Carnevale!  A time for revelry and culinary debauchery!  Stop thinking about work, you fool!  (Wolfs down the rest of the bar and licks fingers) Ahhhh, sweet bliss.  (Suddenly looks at watch) Oops, time to start dinner.  (Grabs a bunch of caramels and shoves them into mouth while leaving the table)

(Several hours later, Friend 1 is sprawled across the couch, surrounded by wrappers and packages of candy, and watching TV with a glazed look while working on a lollipop)

TV News Anchor: – recent events truly confirm that yes, as a species, human beings really are the worst –

Friend 1: (Bites the lollipop off the stick while changing the channel) Amen – call me when the dolphins have finally taken over.  (Stars watching a movie) Ooh, here’s a good one to help pretend the rest of the world isn’t a wildfire.  (Starts heating up a marshmallow over a hot plate to make a s’more)

(Several hours later, Friend 1 has slowed down considerably and struggles to open a new bag)

Friend 1: Just – two more of these – to go – (Finally rips it open, then glances at the nutritional label on the back) “Serving size: 3 pieces” – heh-heh, please.  (Pops five pieces into mouth, grimacing a bit when swallowing) Oh yeah, no one tells me how to live.

(Several hours later, Friend 1 wakes up abruptly from a doze; the TV is still on)

Friend 1: (Waves arms wildly) Ah!  Candy cane ghosts!  (Looks around the room) Oh, they left.  (Sees that there is one last piece of candy in one last bag; resolutely takes off the wrapper and slowly brings it into mouth while chanting) Mardi Gras – Mardi Gras – Mardi Gras – Mardi – (Swallows the piece whole, then checks watch) Huh: midnight on the dot.  Perfect timing.  (Looks around at the mess and then stares off into the middle distance) Now if I can only keep this all down….

 SUNDAY

(Friend 2 calls Friend 1 in the morning)

Friend 1: (Groggily) Hi?

Friend 2: Hey, I didn’t get to call earlier this week and I wanted to check in: how was Mardi Gras?

Friend 1: Ohhh....

Friend 2: Was it all you dreamed of and more?  Did you have an absolute blast that’ll last you through the many, many days of utter deprivation that confront your suffering self?

Friend 1: Blistering sarcasm aside, there actually was one outcome from that night that was completely unexpected.

Friend 2: Really?  I can’t begin to imagine what.

Friend 1: Yeah, I’m sure you can’t.  Gloat all you want: I will never touch another piece of candy for the rest of my life.

Story 364: Reverse Trick-or-Treating

             (In an office, Coworker 2 is on the phone and typing on a computer)

            Coworker 2: Uh-huh…. Listen, I’m actually in the middle of sending something else out; could you call me back in about 10 minutes and go into more detail then?... You know you’re the most important person in my work life, but this other thing is a little time-sensitive…. Frankly, I’m not so sure I should be the one sending that out since you’re, you know, the manager – (Is cut off by Coworker 1 dropping a heavy bag of candy directly onto Coworker 2’s workspace) Ah!

            Coworker 1: Bad time?

           Coworker 2: No – (To the screaming voice on the phone) Hi, something-just-came-up-gotta-go-bye.  (Hangs up) What’s all this?

            Coworker 1: I had a grand total of one trick-or-treater this year: 195 pieces of candy remain.

            Coworker 2: That stinks – and you can’t even return the bag.

            Coworker 1: No kidding.  So.

            Coworker 2: Soooo…?

            Coworker 1: Take some.

           Coworker 2: (Pats stomach) I would, but I overdid it this year.  I don’t even know if I’ll be able to face Thanksgiving.

            Coworker 1: The candy doesn’t expire until next Halloween.

            Coworker 2: Ew.  And I don’t even know if I’ll be able to face next Halloween, either.  (Stares at the bag and turns slightly green) I was really bad.

            Coworker 1: (Grabs the bag and stalks off) Fine – no help whatsoever!

            Coworker 2: (Stares at the ringing phone) Story of my life, apparently.

            (Coworker 1 heads to another area of the office and drops the bag onto Coworker 3’s workspace)

            Coworker 1: Here.  Take some.

            Coworker 3: Ooh, thanks, but I started my diet yesterday.

            Coworker 1: The one you quit by every Thanksgiving?

           Coworker 3: The very same.  Means I get in at least three weeks of good behavior a year.

            Coworker 1: (Picks up the bag and drops it onto Coworker 4’s workspace) Here.  Take some.

            Coworker 4: You know I have diabetes.

            Coworker 1: I thought you still need emergency candy just in case?

            Coworker 4: Yeah, like one piece!

           Coworker 1: (Tilts the bag towards Coworker 4) I don’t mind – every bit helps the cause.

            Coworker 4: (Pushes the bag away) Sorry for my lack of support.

           (Coworker 1 grabs the bag and stalks off to the break room, grabs a large bowl from a cabinet, pours the candy into that, heads to the front of the office, and firmly sets the bowl on the receptionist’s counter)

            Receptionist: Uh, H.R. actually said we can’t have stuff like this out anymore.

            Coworker 1: Since when?!

            Receptionist: Since two years ago.  Trying to keep our health insurance costs down.

           Coworker 1: Ugh, health!  First innocent tobacco, now innocent sugar!  (Grabs the bowl)

            Receptionist: (Reaches out) Wait, can I take one?

            Coworker 1: Please do.  (Begins dumping the bowl’s contents onto the counter)

            Receptionist: Hey-hey-hey!  One piece, not one bowl!  (Starts tossing pieces back into the bowl)

            Coworker 1: (Begins dumping the bowl’s contents onto the counter again) But surely your heart is telling you to take more, and more, and –

Receptionist: (Pushes a panic button) H.R.!  I’m being bombarded with unwanted saccharine advances!

           (Coworker 1 looks up, sees two H.R. guards advancing, grabs the remaining loose candy, and runs away with the bowl)

            (Slowly walking down a residential street while carrying the candy in the bag again, Coworker 1 stops at a random house and rings the doorbell)

           Resident: (Opens the door and smiles) Well, hello there!  And what are we supposed to be dressed up as?

            Coworker 1: The Dregs of Corporate America.  (Holds up the bag) Treat.

           Resident: Why thank you, little office worker!  (Takes a piece of candy) You stay safe out there now, OK?  Bye-bye!  (Closes the door)

            Coworker 1: (Smiles down at the bag) Sweet.  At this rate, I’ll be done by New Year’s.