“Sigh.”
“What is it?”
“I don’t know, it’s just… we’re on this lovely walk on the beach, the Sun is shining, the seagulls are laughing their heads off at life, and the view is majestic, and all I can do is look across the ocean – ”
“Bay.”
“ – look across the bay at that huge metropolis where I slog into work five days a week with the rest of the tri-state area, and all I can think is, ‘It’s right there.’”
“Yes, it is.”
“I mean, it’s right there straight across from me, but in order to get there, I need to go allllllll the way around the longest route possible, both in time and distance. In a crowded train car, filled with weirdos.”
“Well, yeah; unfortunately, that’s the only way to get there. By going around the huge body of water that’s in the way.”
“Yeahhhhhhhh…. Hmmmmmmm…..”
“‘Hmmmmmmm’, what?”
“You may have something there.”
“What, reality?”
“Of course not. You know how the shortest distance between two points is a straight line?”
“I don’t think I like where this is going.”
“Too bad, because you’ve inspired me to utterly revolutionize my life.”
“How on Earth did I manage to do that in the space of five seconds?”
“By making me realize what is literally right in front of us: why go around, when I can go through? Or is it, over?”
“Well, sure, there’s a ferry you can take to the city that’s about half an hour away from here – ”
“Exactly: more commuting, more money, more time. My solution’s far simpler.”
“And that is?”
“Get a kayak and paddle across.”
“…Are you for real?!”
“Extremely.”
“You wouldn’t make it one nautical mile before capsizing!”
“Hardly – there’s somebody right over there doing just fine now.”
“Yeah, well, that’s a local keeping to the shoreline, and someone who clearly has the strength, stamina, and skill for it – you, on the other hand, wouldn’t last 10 seconds before passing out from exhaustion, and the Coast Guard’ll have to pick you up when you drift out past Montauk.”
“And where is that?”
“The eastern tip of Long Island.”
“Hm. And about how far away is that from here, do you think?”
“A lot! Just… stick to the horrible commute you know and spare us all the drama of your attempt at athleticism, please!”
“And how would anything great ever be achieved with that attitude?”
“This hardly qualifies as great.”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
“Hi, what’s up?”
“Oh you know, it’s been a while, just checking in, making sure you weren’t lost at sea on the way to work – although you wound up not going through with it, right?”
“I sure did go through with it.”
“You didn’t. Really?”
“How could you know me so little by now? I said I was going to do it, so I did it.”
“So you actually bought a kayak and actually paddled all the way across rough waters to the city?!”
“Like I said: sure did.”
“And you’re still alive?!”
“What a question.”
“But – but – but that’s impossible!”
“So is flight, but tell that to all the birds and planes fighting the never-ending battle against gravity day-in and day-out.”
“And you didn’t keel over, or flip over, or get eaten by a shark, or swallowed up by a squid, or wind up in the open ocean, or – ”
“I’m sensing a disturbing lack of faith in my abilities that’s making me question our friendship.”
“But that’s because we’re nothing schlubs! We don’t do stuff like paddle our way to work! Or anywhere!”
“Seems that we can if we just put our minds to it, and after the initial equipment investment, this is saving me a fortune.”
“…There’s something you’re not telling me.”
“Nope – no, I think I pretty much covered everything. It was a hard-fought battle, but I have defeated the all-consuming commutation snare, and both victory and vengeance are mine.”
“Uh-huh. And how long did it take you to get to work by travelling in that innovative method?”
“….”
“????”
“….”
“????????”
“Two weeks.”