Story 338: Pub Trivia Night – Classical Edition

            (A group noisily arrives at a pub in the early evening)

           Customer 1: All right everybody, order your rounds and get them out of the way – we have serious business tonight that will require all our concentration.

            Customer 2: Yeah, serious business making serious money!

            Group: Huzzah!

            Bartender: Trivia Night doesn’t start for another two hours, and the only prizes are gift cards to this place.

            Customer 1: …This calls for another round!

            Group: Huzzah!

TWO HOURS LATER

         M.C.: Yowza, yowza, yowza, all you cats and kittens, it’s time for our weekly TRIVIA NIIIIGHT!!!!

            Crowd: Wooooo!!!!

            M.C.: Now, since we do it old school here: pencils and papers at the ready?

            Crowd: (Waving pencils and papers in the air) Wooooo!!!!

            M.C.: And away we go!

            Crowd: Wooooo!!!!

           M.C.: Seriously, though, you’re gonna need to keep it down a bit – the wrestling ring next door’s been complaining.

            Crowd: Wooooo!!!!

             M.C.: And yowza, yowza, yow – oh, already did that part – on to the first question!  (Hits a button on a control to start the game on the television screens throughout the pub) This one’s a softball: Which male character appeared in the most of Shakespeare’s plays?

            (The Crowd blinks as one at the M.C.)

            Customer 3: Oh come on, buddy, at least try to make it hard!

            Customer 4: Yeah, any idiot knows the answer’s Bardolph!

            Crowd: Duh!  

            M.C.: You are correct!  The answer is “That idiot Bardolph!”

Customer 2: Oh, I thought it was Falstaff.

M.C.: That one was just to lure you in: now, (Hits a button on the control to display the next question) here’s an intermediate one.  True or False: Voyage to the West, published in the 1590s during the Ming Dynasty, is considered one of the Four Great Classical Novels of Chinese literature.

Customer 5: Really, another softball?  True!

M.C.: Ha!  In your face – that’s False!

Customer 5: What?!  Don’t give me that rot; Voyage to the West practically invented the novel!

M.C.: Yes, but the English translation of the title is Journey to the West, so the answer’s False, ahahahaha!

Customer 5: I – but – it – I’ll fight you!

M.C.: Next question!  (Hits a button on the control to display the next question) In Cinderella, what was the slipper the prince tried on her made of?

(Crowd mutters in consultation)

Customer 6: (Raises hand) Is this Charles Perrault’s Cinderella, Brothers Grimm’s Cinderella, or another Cinderella entirely?

M.C.: Ooh, you guys learned fast: Brothers Grimm.

Customer 6: Well then it’s a golden slipper, since that was the last gift those magic birds dropped on her.

M.C.: Correctamundo!  Onwards and upwards.  (Hits a button on the control to display the next question) Ooh, we have a Name That Tune!

Crowd: Woot-woot!

M.C.: For this one, you’ll get 30 seconds of an instrumental piece: you then must name the title of the song, the opera it’s featured in, and the composer to get full points!  Bonus if you also get the librettist.

Customer 7: Boo!  Too many requirements!  (Throws a handful of potato chips at the M.C. and misses)

M.C.: You’re cleaning that up later.  (Plays the 30-second clip) Anyone?  (Crowd mutters in consultation) Really, folks, this one’s practically a gimme.

Customer 8: We’ve got it!  (Stands) That was “Au fond du temple saint” from Les Pêcheurs de Perles by Bizet!

M.C.: (Stares coldly at Customer 8) It clearly was “Song to the Moon,” from Rusalka, by Dvořák, you uncultured swine!  (Customer 8 sits in shame) What am I going to do with you?  Now, Lighting Round: in one minute, write the names of as many writers you can who died before the age of 40, go!

Customer 9: That’s just sick.

M.C.: Fifty-five seconds!  (The Crowd writes furiously) Aaaaaand time!  Let’s see the results!  (Collects papers from every group and whips through each)  All right, which joker wrote Harper Lee?!  She died at age 90!

Customer 10: Yeah, but her one real book was at age 34, so she was literarily dead after that.

M.C.: This is not a subjective essay question!  That’s in the Bonus Round!

Crowd: (Moans en masse; everyone flings down their pencils and leaves)

Bartender: (To M.C.) Thanks for ruining my tips for the rest of the night.

M.C.: Whatever.  (Hits a button on the control to the display next question) Perhaps you can answer the question of “Did Impressionism impede or hasten the rise of Dadaism?” in 10 paragraphs or fewer, then.

Bartender: (Grabs a tossed pencil and paper) Sure; got nothing else going on right now.

Story 237: The Shortest Awards Ceremony Ever

            (In an auditorium, an M.C. enters from stage right)

            M.C.: Welcome everyone to this evening’s awards show.  (Applause; M.C. cuts that off with a gesture) Enough of that: as you may have heard, this ceremony will be the first one in history to end on time, if not sooner, with no lollygagging, meandering, and/or filibustering allowed.  When making your acceptance speeches, the following words and phrases are prohibited: (Reads from an index card) “First of all,” “I’d like to thank,” “You know,” “This is completely unexpected,” “So,” “I never imagined,” “Wow,” “This is a dream come true,” and, especially, all variations of “Um.”  Tears, coughing fits, and nervous laughter also will not be tolerated.  There will be no music played as a hint that you should finish: you will simply disappear.  That’s it for my opening remarks: the first award goes to “Most Improved Student of the Year.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 1 jumps up from the audience, laughing and cheering; there is a podium where the M.C. gives Student 1 the award)

            Student 1: (At the microphone on the podium) Wow, I never imagined I’d get this; first of all, I’d like to thank –

            (M.C. presses a big red button on the podium and a trapdoor opens underneath Student 1)

           M.C. Not improved enough, it seems; parents, you may collect your offspring in the band room afterwards.  The next award is for “Highest GPA.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 2 solemnly but quickly walks to the podium on the stage and takes the award from the M.C.)

     Student 2: This-is-a-great-honor-thank-you-to-my-parents-teachers-mentors-friends-and-everyone-else-who-believed-in-me-have-a-great-summer-bye.  (Walks quickly back to the audience)

            M.C.: I can see why you were awarded that.  Next one is for “Athlete of the Year.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 3 vaults onto the stage and snatches the award from M.C.’s hands)

            Student 3: Thank you so much!  Boom!  Done in two seconds!

            M.C.: Sor-ry, you used one of the forbidden words!  (Throws a smoke bomb at the feet of Student 3; when the smoke clears, Student 3 has vanished) Parents, you may collect your offspring in the upstairs chemistry lab; don’t ask me how magic works.  Next on the program unfortunately is a musical tribute to your class’s accomplishments that was clocked at 10 minutes; however, since I severed the piano’s strings there will be no musical interludes and this will be done a capella.

            (A chorus runs onto the stage, sings the tribute at triple time, and runs away)

          M.C.: Wasn’t that lovely.  The last segment features the awards for the students who have volunteered their talent and – I don’t know why – their time to worthy causes.  In total there are (Looks at a brochure) 20 of them?!  I am not reading all of these names and what all y’all did: get up here now!

           (Chaos as 20 students rush the stage and crowd the podium to shout into the microphone)

            Students: Thank you! – Love you, Mom and Dad! – This is for you, Grandma! – What am I doing up here? – All that effort and I still didn’t get into the school I wanted, it’s not fair! – A hundred hours and all we get is a plaque?! – Thank you, Mr. ----, you’re the best! – I can’t believe you guys gave me an award for something the court ordered me to do –

           M.C.: THAT.  IS.  ENOUGH.  (They all stop talking – the M.C.’s hand hovers over the big red button and they flee back to their seats) I’m not waiting until you’re sitting down: this ceremony is over, you’ve been a mediocre audience, good night!  (Wheels the podium off stage right to scattered applause)

            Parent: (Looks at watch) Less than fifteen minutes – totally worth it.