Story 630: The Awards Show Took a Turn

            (At a late point in a major film awards show)

M.C.: (Standing center stage and addressing the theater and television audiences as applause trickles away) Well that commercial break went on too long for this time of night – (Glances at a wristwatch) morning – BUT, since we’ve gone this far, let me continue presenting presenters with your next one: last year’s winner of the Best Female Actor in a Drama, ------ -------.

(Applause as Presenter enters from stage right and M.C. walks past to lean against the wall there and lightly doze while waiting for the last few categories)

Presenter: Hi everyone, I’m skipping the script in the interest of time – I think the nominees will thank me along with the rest of the audience.  (Audience members cheer) And the nominees for Best Male Actor in a Drama are: -------- ----- in ------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 1, who nods solemnly in the direction of the stage)

Presenter: ------ ---------- in ----- -----: -------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 2, who smiles and waves wildly at the camera)

Nominee 2: (Muted by the lack of a microphone) I love you, Mom!

Presenter: -------------- ---- in ----------------------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 3, who gives a thumbs-up and a wink at the camera)

Presenter: ---- ------ -------- in --- ------ ------ --------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 4, who holds up a sign that reads “I’M OWED THIS”)

Presenter: And finally, ---- ------- in ---- ----.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 5, who is scowling and slowly shaking his head in disgust)

Presenter: (Opening the envelope) And the award, for Best Male Actor in a Drama, goes to….

(Television split-screens show the Presenter opening the envelope at the top with the five Nominees at the bottom; Nominees 1-4 show different degrees of restrained eagerness, while Nominee 5 has his eyes closed and is holding up crossed fingers while shaking his head back-and-forth and mouthing “No-no-no-no-” with each shake)

Presenter: (Pulls out the card and gets a paper cut) Oh come on – excuse me – (Reads the card) ---- ------ in ---- ----!

(As most of the audience members applaud, the television camera now only shows Nominee 5 who is surrounded by cheering seatmates and mutedly shouting “No!  Son of a -----!   ---- it!   ---- it to -----!  Un----ing-believable!”; the cheering seatmates lift him out of the seat and hug him, shake his hands, and slap him on the back toward the stage.  When Nominee 5 stops at the bottom of the stairs and raises a fist at the giant award replica at the back of the stage, Nominee 1 in the front row stands to push him up the stairs and then returns to his seat to resume graciously applauding with the rest.  Presenter hands the award to Nominee 5, who stares at it at first and then reluctantly takes it, leaning in toward Presenter to shout over his movie’s theme music)

Nominee 5: I’ve always admired your work!

Presenter: (Clapping) Thank you!  Congratulations!  (Gestures to the microphone) Go at it!

Nominee 5: (Looks at the microphone in loathing) Ughhhh….. (Walks to stand in front of it as the audience members’ applause and the music simultaneously fade out and everyone who was giving a standing ovation sits back down again) OK, this is extremely embarrassing.  (The audience members provide polite laughter) No, this is not a joke – (Gestures toward the audience) not only did any of the other four nominees deserve this award so much more than I did, but as many of you know, the only reason I was nominated in the first place was out of spite, so I can only guess that I “won” – (Does the air quotes) for that same reason, as the veritable icing on this travesty of a filmmaking cake.  (Polite laughter shifts to awkward laughter) I’m being absolutely serious here: anyone with half a brain cell who saw ---- ---- knows that its point was to highlight the unfairness of inequality, and yet the only award nomination, out of all the people who worked on that film – (Holds an arm out toward the area of the theater where others who worked on that film are sitting) many of whom came here tonight to support me because they are such awesome and wonderful human beings, let’s give them a round of applause – (Leads a round of applause, briefly tucking the statue under one arm in order to clap) so the only award nomination being for the dude who played a character representing the oppressive regime this film was critiquing, is the ultimate slap in the face to everything we worked so hard to convey with on this project.  And when I say “we”, I’m barely including myself in that since all I did was recite the lines in the script, which was nothing compared to all the work everyone else did and who should have been nominated for this film.  (Exit music slowly starts to build up) DO NOT PLAY ME OFF!!!  (Exit music abruptly stops; Nominee 5 looks up slightly to address the film industry ether) You created this fiasco – you will sit through the consequences!  Now, I have a list, not of those I want to thank for – ahem – “earning” – (Does the air quotes again) this award, but of all those who should have been nominated – and should have won! – instead of me tonight: ----- ------, Director; ----- ------ and ----- -------, Screenwriters; ----- -------, Lead Female Actor; --- ---------, Cinematographer – (Exit music starts to build up faster) I swear to Hades, if you don’t stop playing that exit music until I’ve finished, I will smash this thing in front of all of you!  (Shakes the statue in emphasis; exit music abruptly stops again) Right: ------ ---------, Composer…. (Goes on for another five minutes) And now, Second Unit –

M.C.: (Peels away from the wall to dash to Nominee 5’s side) Well, I think at this very, very, very late point in the festivities, our audience here and at home would rather the rest of your acknowledgements be an e-mail instead of a meeting, am-I-right?

(Audience members laugh in relief)

Nominee 5: (Glaring at M.C.) Do not do a bit right now.

M.C.: …OK.

Nominee 5: I will stop when I have righted this wrong and not a second earlier, understand?!

M.C.: (Backing away) OK, jeez –

Nominee 5: Justice will be served!  (Back to the microphone) Now, Second Unit!  (Someone approaches from stage right, holds onto Nominee 5’s arm, and leans in to whisper in his ear for a few seconds; the latter nods, then turns back to face the audience again) I’ve just been told by my Director on this project – ----- ------, everyone, please give her a hand for her amazing work!  (Applauds along with the exhausted audience members)  She said that I would be helping my slighted fellow filmmakers more if I posted this list on social media and allow the remainder of tonight’s awards to continue, so I will go do that as soon as I leave this stage.

M.C.: (Mutters while leaning against the side wall again) That’s what I said.

Presenter: (Whispers back soothingly) I know.

Nominee 5: In closing – (Audience members collectively sigh) my winning this award is proof that the whole system is a sham, and I normally would melt down this statue and donate the profits to charity, but I suspect it’s pretty much plastic so in that case I’ll just recycle it.  So: know who the real winners are in life, elections are always a popularity contest, stay in school, and value the art itself because awards mean NOTHING!  And I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that I’m permanently retiring from acting – good night, world!  (Runs off the stage, followed uncertainly by Director and Presenter, as the exit music blasts at full volume, the audience erupts in an uproar, and M.C. returns to the microphone, clapping over-enthusiastically)

M.C.: Well, folks, I think we witnessed several history-making events at this show – we’re unfortunately going to have to speed-run though the Best Director and Best Drama categories in order for the late-night news to air sometime this week, so if there are any complaints, I think you all know exactly who to direct them to.

Story 457: The Unbiased Film Critic

Unbiased Film Critic (online video channel)

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Video #1,372: “Unbiased Review of The Reason for Existing”

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(Unbiased Film Critic is seated in an overstuffed armchair, looking and sounding extremely haggard while holding an energy drink with the logo blurred out; there is a plain blue background throughout the video)

Unbiased Film Critic: Hello folks, and welcome to Episode Number… I don’t even know what I’m up to on these, of Unbiased Film Critic.  You know the drill: I spend my days and nights watching gajillions of movies made all over the world, and then turn around and give it to you straight, so you can make a well-balanced decision on whether to spend your hard-earned money and hours of your life that you really can’t spare on studio bonuses, suspicious popcorn, liquid sugar, and 30 minutes of commercials before, during, and after the film.  (Takes a swig of the energy drink) AND, with the advent of streaming services forcing themselves into every aspect of our leisure time, if you are considering watching a movie there instead of in a theater, I’m here to help you with the cost-benefit ratio of your subscription.  I like to think I provide an invaluable service to the public, otherwise, what is the point of my existence, which I am not even posing as a rhetorical question.  So: today, I’m going to talk to you about the much-anticipated, astronomically-budgeted, in-your-face marketed, awards-bait new release this weekend, The Reason for Existing.  (Shifts in the chair trying to get more comfortable) Let me get this out of the way right now: I hated it.  I thought every single character and corresponding actor – with the exception of the dog, because of course – was the most irritating person it has been my misfortune to witness, either on the silver screen or in everyday life; none of the production design was pleasing to my eyes; the director’s choices in nearly every aspect of the film’s journey hurt my core being; the list goes on.  (Shifts in the chair again) Having said that, I will also attest that this is possibly the greatest film to have ever been created in the history of cinema.  And let me tell you why.

[Opening title card for the video: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Tell You THE TRUTH”]

Unbiased Film Critic: (Takes another swig of the energy drink) I won’t beat around the bush: when I say this film has everything anyone could ever want in a moving picture, I am not saying it lightly.  It covers all the genres, but primarily action, thriller, sci-fi, fantasy, comedy, romance, and documentary; there is a cast of literally thousands – the end credits for them alone took 45 minutes; so many themes are covered that I lost count a tenth of the way in; and the main plot really boils down to: “Why are we here, anyway?”  No one knows for certain, but this film makes the bold attempt in trying to answer that.  There are scores of subplots that I lost interest in, but not one of them was dropped and they all tied in seamlessly with the main story.  The significance of this piece is so immense, that I’m doing one of my rare departures from my solo act and invited a few of the filmmakers to say, in their own words, why this movie was so darn good, as it simultaneously ate away at my very soul.

(Now facing the camera from a different angle with a guest sitting opposite)

Unbiased Film Critic: Joining me today is the film’s soundtrack composer, who is said to have spent two years in prep work alone before writing a single note for this score – (Turns to the guest) is that actually correct?

Composer: Yes, thank you; this film was such a passion project for all of us involved, I really wanted to immerse myself in the world that was being created before I could begin working on even the basic themes for the characters and the piece in general.

Unbiased Film Critic: (Nodding) Uh-huh, uh-huh – and you chose strings as your primary instruments in the score, yes?

Composer: Oh yes, those definitely were the instruments to really capture what we were trying to convey here: the desperation for connection these characters yearned for, that also resonates in all things throughout the universe.

Unbiased Film Critic: Uh-huh.  And as my ears took in sounds akin to a multitude of cats being strangled whilst reciting “The Star-Spangled Banner,” (Composer double-takes) each theme, movement, and change in time signature so aptly fit the evolving narrative and emotional underpinnings of each scene, that I don’t think movie audiences will ever experience the likes of such perfection in orchestration ever again – how did you do it?

Composer: Ummmm… it was a team effort?

Unbiased Film Critic: Really.

Composer: It was a lot of hard work by a lot of talented people.

Unbiased Film Critic: And so it seems.  I will forever be saddled with the ear worm of the tormented souls of the underworld, but rest assured, you have truly created a masterpiece in the flawless union of film and music.

Composer: Ummmm… thanks?

Unbiased Film Critic: You’re welcome.  (They stare at each other for a few moments) OK, we’re done here.

Composer: Oh-thank-goodness.  (Hastily vaults out of the chair)

            (Cut to Unbiased Film Critic facing the front again and now holding several pieces of paper instead of the energy drink)

Unbiased Film Critic: The director of this epic work is currently filming evidence of human rights violations in all 200-ish countries of the world and so, unfortunately, could not join me on this session, so instead I will read from a letter that I had written with my interview questions, and then the response.  (Unfolds the papers while putting on a pair of glasses) I’ll skip the preliminaries and go straight to the meat… ah!  Here it is: (Reads) “Your use of Dutch angles brilliantly conveyed the uncertainty of the characters’ reality and maintained suspense effectively throughout the film, while also giving me an extreme case of vertigo from which, I fear, I may never recover.  Do you make such choices consistently with intention, or is it your unconscious mind that inspires this, dare I say, genius?”  (Turns to another page) Another of my questions was… (Reads) “The cacophony of sounds, visuals, and plot overwhelmed my senses to the point where I needed to spend the remainder of the day and night with the blinds drawn and doors closed to the world, in order to reset my entire body back to default mode – since these elements were so apt in conveying the film’s messages of hope vs. nihilism, did you come up with the entire overloaded palette on your own, or did you collaborate with the screenwriter to create such an effective tour de force of chaos?”  (Unfolds another piece of paper) To which the response was… (Reads) “I’m sorry, were these compliments or are you being sarcastic?”  (Takes off the glasses and faces the camera) I was unable to complete another volley of correspondence before this video needed to be posted online, so I will simply answer that question to my questions with another question: “Do you not know me at all?”

(Cut to Unbiased Film Critic sitting opposite another guest)

Unbiased Film Critic: Here with me now is the aforementioned screenwriter, whose life work has culminated in this story of unbridled mayhem, awkward true lust, irritating personalities, and the true meaning of life.  (Turns to Screenwriter) Welcome.

Screenwriter: (Uncertain) Hi….

Unbiased Film Critic: My question for you is this: with all your characters’ quirks, peccadillos, and off-puttingness in general, did you base them on any actual human beings of your acquaintance in order to make them so true-to-life and meaningful?

Screenwriter: Uhhh… I just wrote what I notice a lot of people are like.

Unbiased Film Critic: (Nodding) Brilliant.  And was the love story, of which the schmaltz practically had me gagging for 129 of the 417-minute runtime, intentionally created to be so resonating and universal from the start, or did some of that come from the actors’ work on the role and their natural, riveting chemistry with each other?

Screenwriter: Uhhh… mostly me, but some of them.

Unbiased Film Critic: Uh-huh.  And the dialogue –

Screenwriter: (Wincing) Yeah?

Unbiased Film Critic: I predicted the punch lines of all the jokes and the outcomes of almost all the arguments.

Screenwriter: Yeah…?

Unbiased Film Critic: This is not a question, but I really must say, those were all so authentic and genuine that I was nodding in agreement for the entire piece, as I simultaneously gripped the front of the armrests of the theater lounge chair to counteract the cringe.

Screenwriter: Uhhh… thank you?

Unbiased Film Critic: (Turns to the camera) I don’t why my interview subjects say it that way.

(Cut to Unbiased Film Critic solo again, back to holding the energy drink)

Unbiased Film Critic: As I wrap this up, I realize that I now need to spend more hours than usual on post-production for this video, which I dread with all my essence.  Once upon a time, I used to write film review articles for newspapers and magazines; I even had my own column for a bit, as some of my more “mature” viewers may remember.  (Empties the can and tosses it into an off-screen bin)  Now, to remain relevant with the kids and maintain a steady income, I had to teach myself to create these videos for the “likes” and “subscribes” and “ad revenue,” cutting into the precious two hours of sleep I get each night after watching film upon film upon film, occasionally having to schedule interviews like the ones you saw earlier, reviewing my notes on the piece to get my thoughts in order, actually filming the videos with five billion takes for every 30 seconds, adding in special effects like clips and sound effects just to keep you all from getting “bored” – which I didn’t bother with this time, because too bad – and then editing everything together to form one coherent piece that takes up enough airtime to justify the commercials.  In short, I myself had to become a filmmaker, in order to continue a career in critiquing films.  Trust me when I say, the irony is not lost.  (Reaches off-screen to grab another energy drink, opens the tab, and takes a swig) In conclusion: The Reason for Existing should and probably will win every film award ever made; you all should go see it if you haven’t already and have your soul filled with profundity; and even if I never see it again, it’s too late for my worn-out nerves.  Thank you for watching, and now I’m off to see “Horror in My Mind” to review for you next – it promises to be another assault on all my senses, that will contain momentous messages on compassion and the true natures of good and evil.  I’ll let you know tomorrow, after I’ve taken a nap, on:

[Title card: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Will Bash Films That I Enjoy Immensely If They Are Absolute Rot”]