Story 488: Dramatic Irony in Action

[Scene: A private detective’s office, 1930s New York City.  The lone detective sits at his desk, staring at the cityscape out the window and sucking on a candy cigarette]

Detective: (Voiceover) <Nighttime in The Big City.  How I loathe this cesspool of crime, this limbo of lost souls, this… (Rubs an arm across the pane of the partially open window) factory of filthy windows.  The only thing that keeps me here in perpetual perdition is my innate, unerring, unceasing sense of justice.  How I loathe that, too.>

(A silhouette rushes up to the office door’s mostly opaque pane of glass; Detective turns around sharply as the figure in the hallway rapidly bangs on the door)

Detective: (Voiceover) <A knock on the door, after hours.  Can only mean one thing: Trouble, with a capital “T”.  And a capital “R”, “O”, “U” – >

Reader: Hello?!

Detective: (Voiceover) <Come in, Danger.>

Reader: I know you’re in there; can I come in, please?!

Detective: (Voiceover) <Guess I forgot to say that first bit out loud.> (Takes out the candy cigarette to yell) Come in!  (Voiceover) <Danger.>

Reader: (Rattles the doorknob) The door’s locked!

Detective: (Voiceover) <Right: I’d locked that to keep out Danger.>  (Walks wearily to the door, unlocks it, and lets in Reader who collapses onto a chair, out of breath) So, what brings you to my humble rat hole, Factory Worker?

Reader: Huh? (Looks down at outfit of sweater and jeans) Oh yeah, guess I don’t look like your typical Dame in Distress.  Or is it Broad?

Detective: (Locks the door again and resumes sucking on the candy cigarette) Whatever pleases you.  I don’t judge who comes through my door, long as they’ve got a cause to tug at the heartstrings and the dough to back it up.

Reader: (Stands) Right, so: not here about that –

Detective: Then you have five seconds to convince me not to throw you out this window.

Reader: We’re on the ground floor, so I’m not too concerned.

Detective: Corrupt landlord of a corrupt system: I specifically requested digs with a view of the tops of the more modest skyscrapers for me to brood upon life’s miseries, and instead I get horn-blaring taxicabs and littering pedestrians.  It’s a wonder I close cases at all in this milieu.

Reader: Can’t help that, but I’m actually here to do you a favor.

Detective: (Voiceover) < Favors don’t come cheap, and this scrappy ne’er-do-well looks to be driving a hard bargain; only question is, how much of my soul am I willing to sell – >

Reader: Since you’re now staring off into space I assume you’re in the middle of a rambling internal monologue that ultimately leads nowhere.

Detective: …You assume rightly.

Reader: Well knock it off: I came here to warn you that you’re in incredible danger!

Detective: Just a moment, please.  (Places the candy cigarette in an ashtray and turns up blaring saxophone music) Need to set the mood – you were saying?  (Perches casually on the edge of the desk)

Reader: (Shouting over the music) I was saying that your life is in danger!

Detective: Life is danger –

Reader: What?!

Detective: Fine.  (Turns off the music) I said, life is danger: it’s the deal we sign up for when we’re thrust literally screaming into this harsh, brutal world.  Unwillingly, I might add.

Reader: Yeah, well, this is a little more specific danger right now: you remember the gangster-you’ve-been-trying-to-outwit-forever’s second-in-command’s cousin’s drinking buddy who you tossed into a dumpster during the alley fight four chapters – I mean, two days ago?

Detective: (Thinks for a few moments) Oh, that little pipsqueak?  Had a fresh mouth, matched only by a pretty sharp toothpick?  Sure I remember tossing his keister out of my way in that brawl for the truth; why?

Reader: Let’s just say I have it on good authority that the pipsqueak’s got it in for you, so you’d better, you know, watch your 6:00.

Detective: (Checks watch) No, it’s 11:45.

Reader: Pipsqueak’s literally gunning for you, dude!  Any minute now, he’s gonna burst in here and give you the what for!

Detective: Not quite following your lingo, but sounds like Pipsqueak’s got my number and wants to cash in my chips for me the hard way.

Reader: Yes!  That!  (Collapses back onto the chair)

Detective: And how, exactly, did you come by this useful information?  Maybe Pipsqueak sent you here as a double-bluff, I wonder!

Reader: No, nothing here’s ever that convoluted: let’s just say I… know things.

Detective: Do you indeed.

Reader: Yes, and I know that Pipsqueak’s planning to come here tonight, at exactly midnight, and literally remove you from the scene in revenge for the humiliating dumpster dive!

Detective: Is that so?  You seem to know an awful lot about it for someone claiming not to be in league with that nobody.

Reader: I know enough that you should get out of here in… (Leans over to peer at Detective’s watch) less than five minutes.  If you value your life.

Detective: I do, but that’s beside the point right now.  (Reaches into a desk drawer and takes out a peashooter to train on Reader) Right now, I feel like I’m being served a load of flimflam that I want to return to the chef, and maybe I really should consider you the threat, instead of little Mr. Featherweight.

Reader: (Stands slowly with hands slightly raised) Listen, I’m trying to prevent a tragedy here – you had no idea this guy was coming for you until I showed up, and now you do, so you need to get your caboose in gear and split!

Detective: (Also stands) Well, I think that this is all a bunch of hooey you made up just so you could get to my mother’s pearls!

Reader: What?

Detective: What?

Reader: I don’t care about those, I’m trying to save your life!

Detective: Aha!  So you admit you know about them!

Reader: No – well I do, but –

Detective AH!  HA!

Reader: Listen, I know everything about your weird little life, OK!  I know about your childhood in the surprisingly comfortable orphanage; I know about your one summer as a carnie barker; I know about your tragic coming-of-age in the trenches of World War I –

Detective: (Gasps) ONE?!  There’s gonna be more?!

Reader: – I know about your heartbreak when the one true love of your life ran off with the one true best friend of your life; I know about your only really solving one case with the others being lost to moral ambiguity; I know about it all.

Detective: (Chews on lip while pondering this) Are you an actual witch?  Because it’s all right now: you’d only get prison time instead of the stake.

Reader: No!  I can only say… your life is an open book to me.

Detective: Ha!  I’m read by no one!

Reader: Wanna bet?

(The door bursts open with Pipsqueak’s arrival, another peashooter at the ready)

Pipsqueak: Gotcha!  You – oh sorry, didn’t realize you had a guest.

Reader: Ah, fiddlesticks.

Detective: Pipsqueak?!

Pipsqueak: What in the – ?  No, my name is Charles, and I’m calling you out!

Detective: Fine, go ahead!

Pipsqueak: I just – I just did.

Reader: Get outta here, man, you’re ruining everything!

Pipsqueak: Absolutely not!  Not after what this busybody-with-airs did to me!  I’ll never get that dumpster smell out of my hair and skin, never!

Reader: Yeah, you’re right: it’s pretty bad.

Detective: You had it coming!  But you’ll never catch me alive, do you hear me?!  No one will ever catch me alive, ahahahahaha!  (Turns around and jumps out the window)

Pipsqueak: (Falls to his knees and tilts head back to face the ceiling) NOOOOOOOOOOOO – !

Reader: Easy there, buddy – he just hailed a cab and drove off.

Pipsqueak: (Tilts head back forward) Oh right; forgot I didn’t climb any stairs to get here.  This place really is a dump, isn’t it?

Reader: You’re telling me.

Pipsqueak: (Stands and brushes off pants) Well, guess there’s no point in continuing my revenge spree if he’s just gonna keep jumping out windows every time I show up; I’m going back to the poker game I was losing to go do this.  (Leaves)

Reader: Yes!  Success!  (Looks around the empty office) Wait a minute: there’s still 150 pages left in this thing.

Story 447: Our Only Eyewitness Is Just The Worst

(On a city street, crime scene tape encloses a block of chaos-aftermath; forensic technicians do their thing gathering evidence; and a lone ambulance is parked near a corner, non-emergently waiting.  An EMT sits with an uninjured Eyewitness on a curb and offers a blanket and water, both of which are declined with a slight shake of the head and a thousand-yard stare into space.  They still are sitting there when Detective arrives on the scene)

Detective: (Walks over to Sergeant, who has been taking notes) Well, this is a right mess.

Sergeant: I’ll say: it’ll take ages for the shopkeepers to get all their stuff back together, repaired, and/or replaced, and all that produce – (Gestures to fruit and vegetables strewn all over the street, clearly originating from several outside stands) is shot to Hades.

Detective: (<Tsks> at the ruined food) Disgusting.  Didn’t the alleged perp ever get taught there are starving people in… everywhere?

Sergeant: I don’t think that knowledge was foremost on the mind at the time of the event, Detective.

Detective: Yeah, suppose not.  (Sees Eyewitness, now gnawing on fingernails, and nods in that direction) That the eyewitness you mentioned?  The only one who was here to see anything at all?

Sergeant: (Flips back through the notebook) Yeah, uh, let’s see – (Holds it out for Detective to read) here’s what I could get so far; figured I’d leave the main questions to you.

Detective: (Scans through the notes) Huh.  Pretty boring background.  And you ran a check for any priors?

Sergeant: Zilch on that – pretty boring life, too.

Detective: Not even jaywalking, or a parking ticket?

Sergeant: Not even a driver’s license.  Barely found an entry confirming existence at all.

Detective: Whelp, it’ll be a nice change to interview a non-entity; as you were, then.

Sergeant: (Resumes note-taking as Detective walks to Eyewitness and EMT; the former bites nails harder as the latter stands)

Detective: (Takes out badge to show them both, then addresses EMT while putting it back) You can take a break.

EMT: Oh that’s OK, we don’t break during a call.

Detective: (Gives EMT a withering look) I’m trying to tell you in a nice way to go somewhere else for 10 minutes.

EMT: Gotcha.  (Pats Eyewitness on the shoulder and hops into the ambulance to do some paperwork)

Detective: (Turns back to Eyewitness and gives a tight smile) So!  I’m told you’re the only other one who was here and saw everything that happened.

Eyewitness: (Momentarily stops gnawing) …I’m the only other one who was here, yes.

Detective: Uh-huh – mind if I sit down?  (Gestures to the curb space next to Eyewitness)

Eyewitness: Yes?  I mean, no?  Or should I actually be standing?  I don’t know how these things work.

Detective: (Chuckles and sits on the dirty curb) It’s OK; if you were a suspect, we’d be having this conversation at the station, which we may anyway if we have more questions later.  (Eyewitness’s eyes widen) So, let’s just go back through your day that led you here, and take it from there.

Eyewitness: (Finally stops biting nails) OK, sure, I can do that!  Well, I woke up this morning, completely exhausted because I’d had all these vivid dreams, which I normally have but these were worse for some reason, maybe it was all that pizza I had last night, but in these I was in a movie theater and someone sitting right in front of me was blocking my view even though the rest of the seats were all empty, why do people always sit right by you when there are plenty of other places they can go –

Detective: You can skip all that.

Eyewitness: Oh, right.  So, I woke up, but I lay there for a few minutes listening to the radio because I wasn’t ready to get up –

Detective: Skip that too, please – focus on what led you to this block today, at this time.

Eyewitness: Oh.  Well, I was walking.

Detective: …And?

Eyewitness: Thinking.

Detective: (Lightly grinds teeth) Did you see, or hear, or otherwise sense anything unusual before the alleged perpetrator did all – (Waves arms around to indicate the mess) this?

Eyewitness: No.

Detective: OK, so what was the first thing you saw when the event began?

Eyewitness: (Points around the block) This.

Detective: (Takes a deep breath) I mean, what did you see when the alleged perp allegedly began smashing windows and ruining perfectly good produce?!

Eyewitness: Oh.  Nothing.

Detective: What?!

Eyewitness: The street was surprisingly empty.

Detective: Yeah, that’s another thing: this whole block was evacuated not even an hour earlier because somebody called in a gas leak – we’re thinking it’s the alleged perp so the destruction could commence unimpeded – yet you were here when the smashing and such happened?

Eyewitness: Yep.

Detective: But the block was blocked off!

Eyewitness: It was?

Detective:  Yes!  (Points to both ends of the street) Those roadblocks were already here before anything actually happened!

Eyewitness: (Looks at both ends) Huh.  Must have missed them.

Detective: And the cops also blocking the block?!

Eyewitness: Must have missed them, too.

Detective: All right, all right: you’re walking along your merry way, not a care in the world –

Eyewitness: Actually there’s this one project at work that’s been bothering me a lot lately –

Detective: Not a care in the world, and then you suddenly see someone swinging a bat or you suddenly hear the sound of crashing windows, yes?

Eyewitness: Uh, no.

Detective: Whaddya mean, “No”?!  Street cameras showed you were right here the whole time this was happening!

Eyewitness: (Winces) Yeah, I was thinking over what my boss had said to me about my job being on the line if I don’t do this project right, and when I went to cross at the corner up there people on the avenue were pointing and yelling at the street behind me, and that’s when I saw – (Gestures at the mess) this.

Detective: (Stares at Eyewitness) So you’re telling me, you walked through an entire scene of wanton destruction as it was occurring in real time, and you didn’t even notice?!

Eyewitness: I guess, if that’s what the cameras showed.  I don’t notice a lot in life, to be honest.

Detective: (Rubs temples) Unbelievable.  Our only eyewitness for our only suspect, and you can’t even attest to anything actually having happened, let alone give a positive ID.

Eyewitness: What about the cameras, can’t you just use them?

Detective: You ever see the audiovisual quality from one of those things?!  Rubbish!  Although at this point, I’m half-wishing we had ones smart enough to replace distracted humans like you!

Eyewitness: True – at least until someone reprograms them to be evil or they gain sentience and rightfully wipe us all out for our hubris.

Detective: Absolutely useless – you can go.  (Dismissively waves the latter off)

Eyewitness: (Jumps up off the curb) Great!  For a few minutes there I thought my life as I knew it was over!  See ya.  (Starts to walk away; a dog who had been sitting patiently nearby walks over to Eyewitness, rubs against a leg, and softly whines) Huh?  (Sees the dog and bends down to rub their ears) Hey, little buddy, have you been sitting there this whole time?  (Takes a leash out of a coat pocket, attaches it to the dog’s harness, and both trot off) Knew I was forgetting something when I left this morning.

Detective: (Staring after the two figures as they turn the corner) Un.  Freaking.  Believable.

Story 445: Sidewalks Are for Losers: Public Service Announcement

 (Scene of a residential suburban street: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic)

Announcer: (Voiceover) Has this ever happened to you?

(A car turns the corner, stops suddenly behind Pedestrian 1, and blares the horn until the latter skitters onto the sidewalk)

Announcer: (V.O.) You’re walking along, minding your own business, when some car forces you off the very road you have just as much right to be on as they do?  (Pedestrian 1 and Driver shake fists at each other)

(Scene cuts to a strip mall parking lot: Pedestrian 2 walks across parking spots parallel to a sidewalk that would have led to the same destination; cars screech to a stop in the lanes or while backing out of spaces; drivers yell unintelligible abuse out of their windows)

Announcer: (V.O.) How much harassment must be endured before we say, “Enough is enough”?

(Scene cuts to a busy highway: Announcer is standing on a grassy median in the middle of the two-way traffic; horns occasionally blare as the cars zoom by) As a pedestrian, you know that you have the right of way.  But did you know that you have the right of way any time, any place, any situation?  So few of us seem to be aware that we can walk absolutely wherever we want, whenever we want; Big Automotive, however, takes any chance it can get to force us off of what it considers to be “its” roads.  Excuse me, but who built those roads?  Pedestrians!  What came before the wheel?  Feet!  (Starts walking across lanes of traffic while still addressing the camera; cars slam to a stop and nearly crash into each other, horns and voices now screaming) So, I’m asking you to join me today, fellow pedestrians, to literally take back our streets!  (Trots the last few feet to the other side of the highway, narrowly missing a front fender)

(Scene cuts to a residential development: a line of cars slowly crawls as Pedestrians 3 and 4 stroll down the middle of the street)

Announcer: (V.O.) Don’t let these bully cars herd us onto so-called “safe” walkways just so we can be out of their way!  We’re not cattle!  (Pedestrians 3 and 4 stop walking and begin to chat animatedly with each other, still in the middle of the street; the cars turn off their engines)

(Scene cuts to a metropolitan city street: bumper-to-bumper traffic barely moves as pedestrians walk all over six car lanes and two bike lanes)

Announcer: (V.O.) Cities are made for human beings, not buses and taxis!  They should get out of our way!

(Scene cuts to the same residential suburban street shown at the beginning: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic when a car turns the corner and stops suddenly behind the former; this time, Pedestrian 1 stares down the car until the latter reverses onto the previous street and waits as Pedestrian 1 now skips diagonally back and forth across the road)

            (Scene cuts to an airport: Announcer stands smack dab in the middle of the runway as planes take off and land overhead)

Announcer: So, stand up for yourselves!  Walk where you please!  Step aside and wait for no machine!  This is a pedestrian’s world – automobiles are just living in it!  And always remember: sidewalks are for losers!  Never yield!  Never – (Suddenly holds a hand up to an earpiece and listens) Yeah, we’re almost wrapped, what’s up?... What do you mean, the title actually was “Sidewalks Are Not for Losers”?!... Well, that would’ve been nice to know before I wrote and filmed the whole thing, now wouldn’t it?!