FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5
(In an office)
Coworker 1: (Blankly staring at a spreadsheet full of numbers on the computer screen; to Coworker 2 sitting nearby) You know, it’s afternoons like these that I start to forget what the outdoors look like.
Coworker 2: (Also blankly staring at a spreadsheet full of numbers on the computer screen) Know what you mean, and it’s about to get worse: this Sunday’s when we turn the clocks back an hour.
Coworker 1: (Perks up a bit) Oh yeah? Sweet – an extra hour of sleep this weekend.
Coworker 2: That we pay for the rest of autumn and all of winter with fewer hours of sunshine during the day.
Coworker 1: Oh. (Crumples to the desk as this sinks in) Ohhhh, noooo....
Coworker 2: In a month and a half we start getting a minute of sunshine back each day, but, you know, damage has been done. Sun’s usually gone by 4:30 the latest for ages; I don’t notice a difference until at least March.
Coworker 1: [Groans into the desk]
Coworker 2: Yeah, you’d think we’d all be used to this by now, but it just feels worse every year, at least to me. Maybe our political representatives will finally pass a bipartisan bill stopping the whole clock-change bit and there’ll be peace throughout the land, but even if that ever happened there’d still be fewer hours of daylight for a bunch of months outta the year, no matter what hemisphere you’re in. Only way to avoid it is moving to the equator and get 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night all year long, which I’m too lazy to do.
Coworker 1: (Stands up and shuts down the computer) On that note, I’m leaving for the week and going to bed early Saturday night just so I can revel in the extra sleep and not dwell on the cost.
Coworker 2: (Nods as Coworker 1 leaves, still staring at the computer screen) Have a good weekend – see you dim and early on Monday.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 8
(Coworker 2 is at the desk, still staring at the spreadsheet, at Coworker 1 enters)
Coworker 1: Mornin’ – I overslept when the random rooster by my apartment complex didn’t do its thing until way later than usual. How’d you do with the change yesterday?
Coworker 2: Slept about the same four hours I normally do when gaming on weekends. My own fault.
Coworker 1: (Starts up the computer and settles in for the work week with a sigh) Yep, here we go again, plunging into increasing night – see you on December 21.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 21
Coworker 1: This is it!
Coworker 2: (Awakens from a half-doze while staring at the same spreadsheet from the previous month) Wha-what, another fire drill?
Coworker 1: No, I’m talking about how today’s the day where we take back the sun!
Coworker 2: (Rubs eye) All right, I admit it, my brain was taking a break back there and is still restarting – maybe say it again slower?
Coworker 1: (Picks up a desktop calendar and points to the date) Winter solstice! Now our hemisphere’ll start tilting toward the sun again and we’ll get back more hours of daylight, woo-ho! (Picks up the desk phone to speak into the receiver) Too bad for you all Down Under, but we northerners have suffered enough! (Hangs up triumphantly)
Coworker 2: You realize it’s only a minute a day, right?
Coworker 1: I don’t care! I just feel so much better about everything now that the days will be brighter longer! Our star’s the best, isn’t it? (Beamingly stares out the window)
Coworker 2: If you’re looking for the sunset to take place a smidgen later than it did yesterday, our windows face east on this side of the building.
Coworker 1: (Still smiling out the window) I know!
Coworker 2: (Turns back to the computer screen and mutters) Oh my.
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 28
Coworker 1: (Upon entering the office, beelines to Coworker 2 and whispers frantically) Can I talk to you about something?
Coworker 2: Not if you’re going to be creepy about it, no. (Points to Coworker 1’s chair) Go sit in your spot and tell me from over there like normal.
Coworker 1: (Sits, wheels chair over, and whispers again) I don’t want to say this too loudly and start a panic –
Coworker 2: There’s one other employee on this floor after last year’s budget cuts, so no fear of that.
Coworker 1: Here goes: I don’t think we got the sun back.
Coworker 2: (Looks around the sunlight-filled room) Want to try that again?
Coworker 1: Oh yes, it’s still there, it’s always physically there, but I don’t think we got any of the minutes back like we were promised. What I mean is, I don’t think the Northern Hemisphere is tilting toward again it like it’s supposed to.
Coworker 2: Whaddya mean? It’s been lighter longer lately.
Coworker 1: No it hasn’t!
Coworker 2: Well yeah, I believe I said eons ago that you’re not going to notice a real difference until about spring, but we should have, what, about two hours back now? Still early evening when the sun’ll set.
Coworker 1: Exactly! Why is why I’m extremely concerned that we don’t!
Coworker 2: (Blinks slowly) We don’t?
Coworker 1: No! The sun still sets at 4:30 in the afternoon! We haven’t gotten back squat!
Coworker 2: But I thought… huh, now that you mention it, I guess it is still setting that early; I never notice things like that.
Coworker 1: Exactly again! Which is what they’re counting on, until it’s too late!
Coworker 2: “They” who? Whom? Who?
Coworker 1: The ones who froze Earth at this tilt on its axis so Up Over is on permanent winter and Down Under is on permanent summer! That region’s residents were my first suspects, but now they have that much longer exposure to UVB-skin-cancer-causing rays and who would willingly do that to themselves?!
Coworker 2: I think you’re just being paranoid – it’s been a rough winter yet again, and you don’t seem to be handling it well. (Turns back to the computer screen)
Coworker 1: I’ll remind you of that in a few weeks.
MONDAY, MARCH 14
Coworker 1: (Upon entering the office) Well?!
Coworker 2: (Still staring at the same spreadsheet from two seasons ago) Well what?
Coworker 1: We sprung ahead an hour yesterday morning: did you happen to notice anything yesterday evening?!
Coworker 2: Yeah, I noticed I was still tired from the lost hour of sleep – really threw off my game.
Coworker 1: No; did you happen to notice the sun IS STILL SETTING AT 4:30 P.M.?!
Coworker 2: (Thinks on this a bit, then shrugs) Maybe it’ll set a bit later today, then.
Coworker 1: No it won’t, it’ll be exactly the same as it’s been for the past four months! The Earth continues on its orbit but it is no longer wobbling on its axis, and no one else seems to have noticed this but me!!! All news outlets have been mum, no one has taken the bait when I posted this on social media, and even the conspiracy theorists haven’t pounced on this gold mine of an actual conspiracy!
Coworker 2: (Shrugs again while making an edit to one cell on the spreadsheet) So what if it’s not tilting anymore? Not a big deal if the sun sets at the same time every day, doesn’t bother me, it seems to fit everything else that’s wrong with this world.
Coworker 1: (Sinks slowly onto the chair) Doesn’t bother – ?! But the crops – animal migrations – the magnetic poles – the planet will EXPLODE, don’t you see that?!
Coworker 2: (Shrugs again while typing) Then good riddance, I guess.
Coworker 1: No-no-no, not good riddance, we have to do something!
Coworker 2: Like what? Go out and push it?
Coworker 1: Couldn’t hurt!
(That afternoon the sun sets at exactly 4:30 p.m.)
Coworker 1: (Jumps up and points at the night sky outside the window) You see! You see! No extra sunshine, no extra daytime, all the plants will wither, and we’re all doomed!
Coworker 2: (Stares out the window with narrowed eyes) Hmmm….
Coworker 1: What’re we gonna do?!
Coworker 2: (Turns away from the window and adds another row to the spreadsheet) Same thing we do with everything else: just keep doing what we’ve been doing, and distract ourselves with any entertainment we can find in the meantime.
Coworker 1: You – ! (Silently freaks out for a few moments, then sits heavily on the chair) All right: since we’ll never get any superpowers to fix this thing, that’s as good a suggestion as any.
