(At a late point in a major film awards show)
M.C.: (Standing center stage and addressing the theater and television audiences as applause trickles away) Well that commercial break went on too long for this time of night – (Glances at a wristwatch) morning – BUT, since we’ve gone this far, let me continue presenting presenters with your next one: last year’s winner of the Best Female Actor in a Drama, ------ -------.
(Applause as Presenter enters from stage right and M.C. walks past to lean against the wall there and lightly doze while waiting for the last few categories)
Presenter: Hi everyone, I’m skipping the script in the interest of time – I think the nominees will thank me along with the rest of the audience. (Audience members cheer) And the nominees for Best Male Actor in a Drama are: -------- ----- in ------.
(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 1, who nods solemnly in the direction of the stage)
Presenter: ------ ---------- in ----- -----: -------.
(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 2, who smiles and waves wildly at the camera)
Nominee 2: (Muted by the lack of a microphone) I love you, Mom!
Presenter: -------------- ---- in ----------------------.
(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 3, who gives a thumbs-up and a wink at the camera)
Presenter: ---- ------ -------- in --- ------ ------ --------.
(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 4, who holds up a sign that reads “I’M OWED THIS”)
Presenter: And finally, ---- ------- in ---- ----.
(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 5, who is scowling and slowly shaking his head in disgust)
Presenter: (Opening the envelope) And the award, for Best Male Actor in a Drama, goes to….
(Television split-screens show the Presenter opening the envelope at the top with the five Nominees at the bottom; Nominees 1-4 show different degrees of restrained eagerness, while Nominee 5 has his eyes closed and is holding up crossed fingers while shaking his head back-and-forth and mouthing “No-no-no-no-” with each shake)
Presenter: (Pulls out the card and gets a paper cut) Oh come on – excuse me – (Reads the card) ---- ------ in ---- ----!
(As most of the audience members applaud, the television camera now only shows Nominee 5 who is surrounded by cheering seatmates and mutedly shouting “No! Son of a -----! ---- it! ---- it to -----! Un----ing-believable!”; the cheering seatmates lift him out of the seat and hug him, shake his hands, and slap him on the back toward the stage. When Nominee 5 stops at the bottom of the stairs and raises a fist at the giant award replica at the back of the stage, Nominee 1 in the front row stands to push him up the stairs and then returns to his seat to resume graciously applauding with the rest. Presenter hands the award to Nominee 5, who stares at it at first and then reluctantly takes it, leaning in toward Presenter to shout over his movie’s theme music)
Nominee 5: I’ve always admired your work!
Presenter: (Clapping) Thank you! Congratulations! (Gestures to the microphone) Go at it!
Nominee 5: (Looks at the microphone in loathing) Ughhhh….. (Walks to stand in front of it as the audience members’ applause and the music simultaneously fade out and everyone who was giving a standing ovation sits back down again) OK, this is extremely embarrassing. (The audience members provide polite laughter) No, this is not a joke – (Gestures toward the audience) not only did any of the other four nominees deserve this award so much more than I did, but as many of you know, the only reason I was nominated in the first place was out of spite, so I can only guess that I “won” – (Does the air quotes) for that same reason, as the veritable icing on this travesty of a filmmaking cake. (Polite laughter shifts to awkward laughter) I’m being absolutely serious here: anyone with half a brain cell who saw ---- ---- knows that its point was to highlight the unfairness of inequality, and yet the only award nomination, out of all the people who worked on that film – (Holds an arm out toward the area of the theater where others who worked on that film are sitting) many of whom came here tonight to support me because they are such awesome and wonderful human beings, let’s give them a round of applause – (Leads a round of applause, briefly tucking the statue under one arm in order to clap) so the only award nomination being for the dude who played a character representing the oppressive regime this film was critiquing, is the ultimate slap in the face to everything we worked so hard to convey with on this project. And when I say “we”, I’m barely including myself in that since all I did was recite the lines in the script, which was nothing compared to all the work everyone else did and who should have been nominated for this film. (Exit music slowly starts to build up) DO NOT PLAY ME OFF!!! (Exit music abruptly stops; Nominee 5 looks up slightly to address the film industry ether) You created this fiasco – you will sit through the consequences! Now, I have a list, not of those I want to thank for – ahem – “earning” – (Does the air quotes again) this award, but of all those who should have been nominated – and should have won! – instead of me tonight: ----- ------, Director; ----- ------ and ----- -------, Screenwriters; ----- -------, Lead Female Actor; --- ---------, Cinematographer – (Exit music starts to build up faster) I swear to Hades, if you don’t stop playing that exit music until I’ve finished, I will smash this thing in front of all of you! (Shakes the statue in emphasis; exit music abruptly stops again) Right: ------ ---------, Composer…. (Goes on for another five minutes) And now, Second Unit –
M.C.: (Peels away from the wall to dash to Nominee 5’s side) Well, I think at this very, very, very late point in the festivities, our audience here and at home would rather the rest of your acknowledgements be an e-mail instead of a meeting, am-I-right?
(Audience members laugh in relief)
Nominee 5: (Glaring at M.C.) Do not do a bit right now.
M.C.: …OK.
Nominee 5: I will stop when I have righted this wrong and not a second earlier, understand?!
M.C.: (Backing away) OK, jeez –
Nominee 5: Justice will be served! (Back to the microphone) Now, Second Unit! (Someone approaches from stage right, holds onto Nominee 5’s arm, and leans in to whisper in his ear for a few seconds; the latter nods, then turns back to face the audience again) I’ve just been told by my Director on this project – ----- ------, everyone, please give her a hand for her amazing work! (Applauds along with the exhausted audience members) She said that I would be helping my slighted fellow filmmakers more if I posted this list on social media and allow the remainder of tonight’s awards to continue, so I will go do that as soon as I leave this stage.
M.C.: (Mutters while leaning against the side wall again) That’s what I said.
Presenter: (Whispers back soothingly) I know.
Nominee 5: In closing – (Audience members collectively sigh) my winning this award is proof that the whole system is a sham, and I normally would melt down this statue and donate the profits to charity, but I suspect it’s pretty much plastic so in that case I’ll just recycle it. So: know who the real winners are in life, elections are always a popularity contest, stay in school, and value the art itself because awards mean NOTHING! And I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that I’m permanently retiring from acting – good night, world! (Runs off the stage, followed uncertainly by Director and Presenter, as the exit music blasts at full volume, the audience erupts in an uproar, and M.C. returns to the microphone, clapping over-enthusiastically)
M.C.: Well, folks, I think we witnessed several history-making events at this show – we’re unfortunately going to have to speed-run though the Best Director and Best Drama categories in order for the late-night news to air sometime this week, so if there are any complaints, I think you all know exactly who to direct them to.