Story 636: Summer Has Started Three Weeks Early

(On a small beach, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs under an umbrella, facing a bay that eventually goes into an ocean)

Friend 1: (Gestures at the nearly empty beach around them) See?  All the benefits of “The Beach”, with none of the hassle.  None of the crowds, none of the traffic, none of the fees.

Friend 2: (After a few moments staring at the gently lapping waves) None of the lifeguards.

Friend 1: Which is why we’re not swimming.

Friend 2: None of the bathrooms.

Friend 1: Which is why you’re always supposed to go before you leave home.

Friend 2: None of the –

Friend 1: Listen, do you want the experience of “The Beach” without dealing with all that stuff in actually going to “The Beach”, or not?!

Friend 2: It’s just… kind of boring.

Friend 1: How so?  Neither of us really swim at this point in our lives anyway, and we never surfed or paddle boarded or any of those major-athlete shenanigans, so how is this – (Gestures at the beach and water this time) any different?

Friend 2: I guess, but I’d still like the option to go swimming in the actual ocean, you know?

Friend 1: You stand in the shallows for five minutes and go back to reading under the umbrella for the rest of the time we’re there.

Friend 2: Still.  The water’s just different, you know?

Friend 1: Salt water, fresh water, brackish water – cold is cold.

Friend 2: And I do kind of miss some of the crowds.

Friend 1: (Lowers sunglasses to stare at Friend 2 in disbelief) What?!

Friend 2: Well, mainly the kids playing in the sand, making their little castles that won’t last the day, or throwing small balls that always wind up lost at sea, or floating around with their boogie boards, that sort of thing.

Friend 1: You’re always complaining how loud they are and that they’re running around all over the place and ruining your vibe!

Friend 2: I do not.

Friend 1: Ha!

Friend 2: I do not!  I think you’re confusing me with you.

Friend 1: Sure, I complain about them too, but at least I own it!

Friend 2: (Stares out at the water, brow furrowed in thought) Huh.  Maybe I do complain about them more than I thought.

Friend 1: I’ll say no more.  (Sips from a water bottle)

Friend 2: But still, it’s only early June now –

Friend 1: Summer has started for me, yes.

Friend 2: – so all those kids are still in school for another three weeks; couldn’t we have gone to an actual beach and still had peace and quiet?  I mean, I thought that was the whole point of us taking time off and going on a weekday now instead of in summer proper, when everyone will be there, every day, all day long?

Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2 again) I am not paying $20 for the almost-exact same experience that I can get for free.

Friend 2: It’s $20 at that beach now?

Friend 1: Disgustingly, yes.

Friend 2: Per person?

Friend 1: Per car.

Friend 2: Oh, that makes more sense.  What about other beaches?

Friend 1: Slightly less per person, but I wouldn’t put it past them to raise fees once again, in solidarity with everything else inflating.

Friend 2: Hm.  Guess this really is the better option this time of year.

Friend 1: Darn tootin’.  And another thing: the lifeguard beaches don’t even reduce fees for this lull month when most of the crowds aren’t there yet, so if they consider it to be summer now, then so do I.

Friend 2: Summer doesn’t start until June 21.

Friend 1: I said what I said.

(They stare out at the water some more)

Friend 2: I suppose I could stand in the water for five minutes here just as well as anywhere else.

Friend 1: Go for it.

Friend 2: (Points to a section farther down the beach) Ooh, and look!  Seagulls, just like at a real beach!

Friend 1: This is a real beach!

Friend 2: You know what I mean.

Friend 1: (Picks up a trowel that was used to plant the umbrella) All right, would it make you feel better if you dig a massive hole in the sand and then immediately fill it in so you can have five seconds of childhood nostalgia?

Friend 2: Yes please.  (Snatches the trowel out of Friend 1’s hand and starts digging a massive hole in glee).

Friend 1: (Opens a book to read) You know, you can thank me for the other experience that you’re also getting free of charge, and no true summer at “The Beach” is complete without.

Friend 2: (Stops digging to look back at Friend 1) Oh?  And what magical summer experience is that?

Friend 1: Sand everywhere.

Story 631: Extreme Commute Shortcut

             “Sigh.”

“What is it?”

“I don’t know, it’s just… we’re on this lovely walk on the beach, the Sun is shining, the seagulls are laughing their heads off at life, and the view is majestic, and all I can do is look across the ocean – ”

“Bay.”

“ – look across the bay at that huge metropolis where I slog into work five days a week with the rest of the tri-state area, and all I can think is, ‘It’s right there.’”

“Yes, it is.”

“I mean, it’s right there straight across from me, but in order to get there, I need to go allllllll the way around the longest route possible, both in time and distance.  In a crowded train car, filled with weirdos.”

“Well, yeah; unfortunately, that’s the only way to get there.  By going around the huge body of water that’s in the way.”

“Yeahhhhhhhh…. Hmmmmmmm…..”

“‘Hmmmmmmm’, what?”

“You may have something there.”

“What, reality?”

“Of course not.  You know how the shortest distance between two points is a straight line?”

“I don’t think I like where this is going.”

“Too bad, because you’ve inspired me to utterly revolutionize my life.”

“How on Earth did I manage to do that in the space of five seconds?”

“By making me realize what is literally right in front of us: why go around, when I can go through?  Or is it, over?”

“Well, sure, there’s a ferry you can take to the city that’s about half an hour away from here – ”

“Exactly: more commuting, more money, more time.  My solution’s far simpler.”

“And that is?”

“Get a kayak and paddle across.”

“…Are you for real?!”

“Extremely.”

“You wouldn’t make it one nautical mile before capsizing!”

“Hardly – there’s somebody right over there doing just fine now.”

“Yeah, well, that’s a local keeping to the shoreline, and someone who clearly has the strength, stamina, and skill for it – you, on the other hand, wouldn’t last 10 seconds before passing out from exhaustion, and the Coast Guard’ll have to pick you up when you drift out past Montauk.”

“And where is that?”

“The eastern tip of Long Island.”

“Hm.  And about how far away is that from here, do you think?”

“A lot!  Just… stick to the horrible commute you know and spare us all the drama of your attempt at athleticism, please!”

“And how would anything great ever be achieved with that attitude?”

“This hardly qualifies as great.” 

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi, what’s up?”

“Oh you know, it’s been a while, just checking in, making sure you weren’t lost at sea on the way to work – although you wound up not going through with it, right?”

“I sure did go through with it.”

“You didn’t.  Really?”

“How could you know me so little by now?  I said I was going to do it, so I did it.”

“So you actually bought a kayak and actually paddled all the way across rough waters to the city?!”

“Like I said: sure did.”

“And you’re still alive?!”

“What a question.”

“But – but – but that’s impossible!”

“So is flight, but tell that to all the birds and planes fighting the never-ending battle against gravity day-in and day-out.”

“And you didn’t keel over, or flip over, or get eaten by a shark, or swallowed up by a squid, or wind up in the open ocean, or – ”

“I’m sensing a disturbing lack of faith in my abilities that’s making me question our friendship.”

“But that’s because we’re nothing schlubs!  We don’t do stuff like paddle our way to work!  Or anywhere!”

“Seems that we can if we just put our minds to it, and after the initial equipment investment, this is saving me a fortune.”

“…There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“Nope – no, I think I pretty much covered everything.  It was a hard-fought battle, but I have defeated the all-consuming commutation snare, and both victory and vengeance are mine.”

“Uh-huh.  And how long did it take you to get to work by travelling in that innovative method?”

“….”

“????”

“….”

“????????”

“Two weeks.”