“Ugh, another snowstorm?! Where do they all come from?!”
“Not this again.”
“Sorry, but really, I just can’t take another once-a-decade storm for the eighth go-round this month – how many times do I have to dig out my car and the same plowed-in mess at the end of the driveway before enough is enough, hm?!”
“…Every time?”
“That goes without saying, but I say ‘No more!’ This time, they’re not catching me sleeping during a blizzard as the frozen mess piles up over our heads, uh-uh!”
“So, what, are you gonna go out and shovel every few hours overnight?”
“HA!”
“Yeah, don’t know why I asked – even I wouldn’t do that.”
“No, this time I’ve come up with a genius plan.”
“I bet you have. All right, let’s hear it.”
“OK, you know the saying: ‘A rolling stone gathers no moss’?”
“I’m familiar.”
“Well, I’ve made the next logical leap in logic and determined that a moving car gathers no snow.”
“So…?”
“So, as long as my car is in constant motion during the storm, no snow will be able to pile up on it!”
“….”
“Isn’t that the most brilliant thing you’ve ever heard?”
“Not exactly. Are you saying that you plan to drive throughout the entire blizzard?”
“You betcha! I’m amazed no one else has thought of this earlier.”
“That’s because we’ll be in a State of Emergency and no cars are allowed on the road! Except essential workers, which you most definitely are not!”
“Ah, but there is one, significant, ginormous exception.”
“I’m afraid to ask what it is.”
“The Turnpike’s exempt.”
“…What?!”
“If I’m already on it when the blizzard starts, then they can’t kick me off!”
“…What?!”
“Speed limit’s usually around 55-65 miles per hour; with the snow I might have to drop down to around 35, but either way that should be fast enough to keep anything from actually accumulating on me. It. You know: the thing I’d normally have to clean and scrape off.”
“….”
“Brilliant, huh?”
“Ignoring the mind-bogglingessness of it all this for the moment – the Turnpike is only about two hours from start to finish if you stay in-state.”
“Uh-huh?”
“Blizzard’s expected to last around 20 hours.”
“Uh-huh?”
“So you gonna keep going from state-to-state until it’s over?”
“Nah, I’m not sure the other states’ll want me: I’ll just start at the north and then find a cut-through in the south right before the river and then come back up the other way.”’
“Four times?”
“…Yes, that sounds about right, unless I need to go even slower. Give or take a few times, then.”
“You’re gonna get stuck in the snow before you finish the first round, you know.”
“Not if I drive fast enough!”
“That’s not how – also, you’re probably gonna run out of gas, and no station will be open.”
“No worries; I’ll have extra cans with me to fill up myself!”
“Aha! You’ll have to stop do it!”
“Please: I can fill up my tank in less than a minute, no problem; the machines take forever, but I have a system”
“I still think this is a bonkers plan.”
“You’re just jealous you didn’t think of it first! I’ll toast a water bottle to you while I’m on the road, practically snow-free, as you continue the endless struggle of shoveling powder and ice to free your trapped vehicle.”
“I’d rather you didn’t. And how’re you supposed to get back into your snowed-in driveway after all this, anyway?”
“At that point, I can burst through it with the sheer strength of my conviction.”
“I’m sure you will.”
“Ooh! Just to hedge my bets, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare snow plow that I could attach to my front fender so everyone’ll think I’m on the way to a job and leave me alone?... Hello?”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
“Hi there.”
“So, I have to know: how did your drive-througout-the-blizzard-so-you-don’t-have-to-dig-out-your-car experiment go?”
“Had a moderate-speed chase with the state troopers until they cut me off and tossed me into the nearest cell until the blizzard ended – didn’t even make it to the second exit.”
“Ah.”
“Apparently, in my case they chose to ignore the memo regarding the Turnpike exemption: though the howling winds I calmly argued my iron-clad position on the matter, but in the end they completely overwhelmed me with their safety protocols and protection of civilians and whatever.”
“Mm.”
“Also gave me about 15 tickets and a summons to the county court where they stopped me and not the county court where I live, so there goes that Tuesday when I have to show up.”
“Mm-hm.”
“Community service also was threatened, but I’ll call their bluff on that when I literally have my day in court.”
“Mm-hm.”
“The only reason they didn’t impound my car was it would’ve been too much of a hassle to get it to the lot in the middle of that mess, so they volleyed another fine my way instead out of spite.”
“Mm-hm. I’m glad no one got hurt, but I’m also trying not to laugh here.”
“So I gathered. Well, I’m pleased to be a source of amusement for you in these dreary days of lingering winter, but in the end, against all odds and in spite of everyone’s attempts, I still triumphed.”
“How, exactly? You were in jail!”
“Yes, that’s the ultimate irony of the situation: in order to get rid of me and get their own vehicles back on the road, they had to clean off my car.”