Story 598: Retail Time Vs. Real-World Time

            (In a department store full of vacationing children, suffering parents/guardians, and irritated regulars, Shopper enters pushing a cart and whistling happily while zigzagging through the crowds)

Shopper: Ahhhhh…. Nothing beats coming into an air-conditioned store on a hot summer’s day.  Except maybe going to the beach.  Or a pool.  Or staying at home.  Or – ooh, slushies!  (Diverts to the front-and-center slushy counter and orders the biggest size to nurse throughout the store) Ahhhhh…. Nothing beats a freezing, sugary drink in an air-conditioned store on a hot summer’s – (Nearly chokes on the slushy when entering an open space filled with “BACK TO SCHOOL!” displays) What horror is this?!  It’s only July!

Employee: (Slowly passing by with a cart full of tried-on clothes to reshelve) You’re telling me – we had to put all these up by 4^th of July weekend.

Shopper: (Whispers at Employee’s steadily retreating form) Madness.  (Turns back to one of the displays, stares at the notebooks, pens, pencils, backpacks, and lunchboxes waiting eagerly to be brought to school, then shakes head to snap out of it and mutters while turning the cart around) It’s OK – it can’t hurt you – you haven’t had to go back to school in over 20 years –that’s mildly depressing….

(Shopper forces the cart away from the gravitational pull of school supplies and merrily rolls along, ignoring the clearance swimwear and beach gear, and turns a corner to stare down a long aisle)

Shopper: WHAT THE BLAZES IS THIS?!

(Halloween decorations and costumes fill the entire aisle, both sides)

Motion-Sensor Giant Werewolf: (Looms over Shopper entering the aisle) Beware the full moon, beware the setting sun, beware the bubbling cauldron, beware the grave, ahahahaha!

Shopper: I think you’re a little confused there, creep.  (To the rest of the aisle, some parts of which are moving) I can’t face your torments right now – begone!  (Nothing changes) Oh right, I’m the one who has to leave.  (Maneuvers the cart to the next aisle and starts to go down it)

Motion-Sensor Giant Turkey: (Looms over Shopper entering the aisle) Hi there!  This is Tom Turkey wishing you and yours a Happy Thanks– !

Shopper: Nope!  (Immediately turns around to leave the aisle and runs with the cart as fast as possible through the human obstacle course in the store’s main thoroughfare until reaching the end, then sharply turns and heads down that aisle to reach the back corner of the store, sipping the slushy the entire way)

Shopper: (Noisily slurping the bottom of the cup while turning the corner at the back of the store) Safe at last, safe at –

Winter Wonderland: JINGLE BELLS/ JINGLE BELLS/ JINGLE ALL THE –

Shopper: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  (Flings away the empty cup, abandons the cart, and somehow avoids collisions while running through the crowds and back out the main entrance into the hot summer’s day) No one will take summer away from me – NO ONE!!! 

Employee: (Watching while still slowly pushing the cart of clothes; softly) Wish I could join you….

Story 597: We Interrupt This Work Meeting With Family Chaos

             (At a video conference, each attendee’s computer screen is filled with tiles of everyone seated at their remote work stations, all of them at home but each with a background of a generic corporate wall, fake shelves stuffed with fake books, or the beach)

Manager: Hi everyone, sorry for the last-minute meeting today but I just got word from the higher-ups that the project we originally were told was due in six months is now due on Monday.  (Five faces stare back blankly) I would say this is an unbelievable shock, but we all know by now that it’s neither and we really should have seen it coming, so that’s on me.

Coworker 1: Don’t blame yourself: we’re all pretty much used to always-moving deadlines; we’re just stubbornly caught off-guard in resentment every time, that’s all.

Manager: Thanks.

Coworker 2: So when they said “Monday”, did they mean this Monday or some hypothetical Monday in a possible future that may or may not happen?

Manager: …This Monday.

Coworker 2: Drat – thought maybe there was a loophole we could wiggle through.  I withdraw the question.

Manager: You can’t withdraw it if I already answered it.

Coworker 2: Drat.

Coworker 3: (Raises a hand) Does this mean we have to work overtime for the rest of the week?

Manager: This isn’t school so you don’t have to raise your hand, and yes, that’s one of the things I wanted to bring up today: overtime until everything is finished.

Coworker 4: But that’s still cramming hundreds of hours of work into the remaining dozens of hours left in the next few days – it’s physically impossible!

Manager: That’s another of the things I wanted to bring up today: does anyone here have any experience with manipulating time dilation to our advantage? 

(There is a crash from the background of Coworker 5’s screen)

Coworker 5: (Looks off-screen sharply) HEY!  WHAT IS THIS?!  (Muffled voices are heard) I’M COMING OUT THERE NOW!  (Back to the group) So sorry, I have to take care of something real quick, I’m gonna mute the microphone and turn off the camera, be right back, thanks-bye!  (Is seen clicking the mouse a few times and then standing up and running away)

Manager: OK, but your camera’s still –

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) ALL RIGHT, WHAT DID I SAY?!  WHAT DID I SAY??!!

Manager: I think the speaker got turned off instead of the microphone.  Anyway, we’ll keep going: right now, I’d like us all to take a collective breath before doing a deep dive into the numbers pool –

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TWO??!!... GET THAT THING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!

Off-Screen Voice 1: I DIDN’T START IT!

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) WELL WHO DID?!... DON’T POINT AT EACH OTHER!

Off-Screen Voice 2: SHE’S TOUCHING MY HAIR!

Off-Screen Voice 1: HE’S BREATHING ON ME!

Off-Screen Voice 2: I HATE YOU!

Off-Screen Voice 1: I HATE YOU MORE!

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) I HATE YOU BOTH EQUALLY RIGHT NOW!

Off-Screen Voices 1 and 2: [GASP!]

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) GOOD, NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION, YOU BETTER KNOCK IT OFF THIS INSTANT OR THERE’LL BE NO WATERPARK NEXT WEEK!

Off-Screen Voices 1 and 2: [GASP!]

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT – NOT SO FUN NOW, IS IT?!... WELL??!!

Off-Screen Voice 1: …I DIDN’T START IT!

Off-Screen Voice 2: WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE SO ANNOYING?!

Off-Screen Voice 1: AM NOT!

Off-Screen Voice 2: AM TOO!

Off-Screen Voice 1: I’M GONNA BREAK ALL YOUR TOYS!

Off-Screen Voice 2: NOT IF I BREAK ALL YOURS FIRST!

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) THAT’S IT!!!  (Sounds of footsteps and then two separate doors being slammed shut) NOT ANOTHER WORD OUT OF EITHER ONE OF YOU!  I’LL LET YOU OUT AT DINNER TIME, SO SPEND THE REST OF THIS LOVELY SUMMER AFTERNOON THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU DID!  NOW, I’M GOING BACK TO A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING, AND YOU BETTER NOT GIVE ME ANY MORE STRESS TODAY OR ELSE I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT!  I’LL!  DO!!!  (Footsteps as Coworker 5 calmly returns to the desk, takes a slow breath, smoothes back hair, checks the meeting controls, and widens eyes in realization; to the group) Ummm… was my microphone actually on this whole time?

Manager: (Finishes eating popcorn) Oh yeah.  I tried calling your cell phone at the beginning but it went to voicemail.

Coworker 5: (Slowly slumps in the chair) Oh… no.… I just got myself fired, didn’t I.

Manager: Nah – we still need you for the horrendous project, and you and your kids made that seem not so bad anymore.

Coworker 5: …My pleasure.

Story 596: 4th of July Perspectives

            “I’m so thrown off with 4^th of July being a Friday this year – I keep thinking today’s Saturday!  And most people get a three-day weekend at work, but apparently my job is so important they’re making us work today, holiday or not!  I never get any fun on weekday holidays; my life stinks!”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that General Washington and the Continental Army spent Christmas Day 1776 marching in freezing weather and then Christmas Night crossing the Delaware River to then fight a battle at Trenton?  Most of the U.S. soldiers barely had any shoes, or clothing warm enough, and two of them froze to death.”

“….”

“….”

“You know, I always say working on a holiday has its perks: the pay’s great and it’s usually quiet, so I really don’t mind it at all, ever!”

“Mm-hm.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *     

“Ugh, Internet’s out again!  How’m I supposed to get anything done if it keeps going out – ooh, it’s back! – nope, it’s out again – what a tease!  I think it’s trying to give me a heart attack: this is just the worst, the absolute worst, right when I’m trying to message the group to meet up for fireworks, tonight of all nights, arrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that messages travelled so slowly in the 1700s that sometimes it was months before England received an update on how the American Revolutionary War was going?  And sometimes messages sent from one part of the Continental Army to another got there too late, or never at all?”

“…Months, eh?  That’s rough.”

“Yes it was.”

“…Suppose I could just use my phone and call everyone.”

“Mm-hm.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *   

“4^th of July, woo-hoo!  Independence from tyranny!  Resistance against oppression!  Freedom from imperial bondage!”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that quite a few members of the Continental Army in the American Revolutionary War, including its leader, enslaved their fellow human beings and failed to appreciate the irony of the situation?”

“Huh?”

“A number of soldiers themselves actually were enslaved, and certainly didn’t receive any independence or freedom when the war was over.”

“Umm….”

“There was no complete official freedom from slavery in the U.S. until June 19, 1865, almost 90 years after the Declaration of Independence proclaimed that ‘all men’ have the right to ‘life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.’”

“…Oh.  Guess ‘all men are created equal’ really left out a lot of people, huh?”

“Mm-hm.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *       

“I love 4^th of July fireworks, don’t you?”

“Mm-hm.”

“Makes you almost feel like you’re in the middle of a Revolutionary War battle, doesn’t it?”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that the cannons, muskets, and bayonets used in the American Revolutionary War actually – ”

“Stop, OK?  Just stop: I take back what I said, just let me enjoy the pretty shapes and colors and things that go ‘boom.’”

“…Oh, all right.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *   

“Ugh, 4^th of July being over a three-day weekend is such a drag!  I have parties every day, and fireworks every night, I’m gonna be exhausted by the time I get back to work on Monday, I’ll need a vacation from having time off!”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that the soldiers in the American Revolutionary War often had to sleep with their muskets and march day and night ready to fight when they arrived, hoping they’d win, hoping they’d eventually get paid, hoping they’d be able to go home one day, and hoping their families and farms or business would still be there when they got back?”

“…You know, I love how people get so much in the spirit of the holiday and are so generous to invite me to all their parties!  Makes me appreciate the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness that so many people sacrificed so much for future generations to benefit from, don’t you agree?”

“Mm-hm.”

Story 595: Could You Water the Plants While I’m Away?

            (At a department store, Friend 1 is working at the customer service desk)

Customer: What do you mean, you don’t have it?!

Friend 1: Here.  (Swings a computer monitor around to face Customer and points at a line item on a list) See this?  Zero.  As in, zero in store, zero in the warehouses, and I’m pretty certain zero currently exist on this mortal plane.  Can’t reach into the nearest alternate universe and pull out a copy into this one, either.

Customer: Why, you, you’re – so rude!

Friend 1: (Swings the monitor back around) Well, truth hurts.

Customer: Yeah, but you don’t have to be so sarcastic about it!  (Walks away)

Friend 1: (To the monitor) That wasn’t sarcasm, it was impertinence.  (Cell phone in a pants pocket rings; Friend 1 looks around, does not see anyone nearby, and answers the phone after checking the caller ID) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Seated in a terminal gate waiting area in an airport) Oh hey, sorry, are you at work right now?

Friend 1: Yeah but I think I just got myself fired, so how can I help you?

Friend 2: Ohhhh-kaaaay – well, I’m at the airport and we’ll be boarding soon, and I realized I forgot to also ask when you come to the house could you water the plants while I’m away?

Friend 1: (Slow blinks) You lost me at “I’m at the airport”.

Friend 2: Are you kidding me?!  I’m going to the work conference I told you about months ago, and you promised you would check up on the house and pick up the mail while I was gone; you even said it was “NBD”, which should’ve tipped me off immediately that you had no idea what you were agreeing to!

Friend 1: …That was this year?

Friend 2: (Pauses to listen to an announcement) They’re calling my group: I’ll be back Friday night, so just bring in the mail and water the plants unless it rains, please, and maybe I’ll remember to bring back a souvenir for you.

Friend 1: When you say “Water the plants”, about how many and for how long?

Friend 2: (Standing and grabbing a small suitcase to join the line at the gate) All the ones you see, and until they’re wet, bye!  (Ends the call and brings up a boarding pass on the phone, muttering) I’ll be lucky if I have a house left by the time I get back.

Harried Passenger: (Standing in front of Friend 2, turns around) You’re not kidding – leaving the kids in charge is always a recipe for disaster, but you gotta give `em some responsibility or else they’ll never grow up, am-I-right?

Friend 2: …Yeah.

Friend 1: (Brow furrowed in confusion, pockets the cell phone as Manager approaches the desk with Customer) I don’t remember ever seeing plants there…. 

NEXT MORNING 

(Friend 1 arrives at Friend 2’s house, takes the previous day’s mail out of the box, unlocks the front door, and drops the mail onto the kitchen counter)

Friend 1: All right, one part down.  (Walks around several rooms, searching) Just what I thought: no plants here.  (Goes out the back door and freezes) Oh.  (The backyard is a ginormous garden, set up as a maze and filled with rows and trellises of fruits, vegetables, flowers, and legumes, surrounded by hanging baskets of more flowers and bookended with fruit bushes) What am I supposed to do with this?!  These aren’t “plants”, they’re the Hanging Gardens of Babylon!  (Spots an extremely long hose attached to a faucet on the side of the house) OK, guess this is it.  (Turns on the water, drags the length of hose to the garden entrance, and begins dousing the plants) Apologies in advance if I miss anyone, but until your mama comes back, take what you can get.  (Struggles up and down the leafy aisles, getting scratches and contact hives from all the flora reaching out for the moving stream; the water also disturbs several insects that were perched on flowers)

Butterfly: (Shaking legs in anger at Friend 1) Hey!  I’m pollinatin’ here!

Friend 1: (Aims the hose in Butterfly’s general direction) Buzz off!

Butterfly: I don’t buzz, I flutter by!  (Flutters by Friend 1 and administers a gentle slap of the wings on the latter’s wrist) Take that!

Friend 1: Was that a breeze?

Butterfly: Hmpf!  (Flutters to a neighboring backyard to wreak pollination havoc there)

(Friend 1 wipes sweat off forehead while getting drenched everywhere else in yanking the hose around corners and holding it up to cover the taller plants, then lower to drench the dirt, grousing incomprehensibly all the while.  After emerging from the maze that is now a dripping rainforest and watering the hanging baskets and nearby bushes, stands at the maze’s entrance again to address the gathering) Well?!  Are you all satisfied?!

Strawberry Bush: (In a corner by the side of the house) Ahem.  (Waves a few runners at Friend 1)

Friend 1: Oh for crying out – (Shoots a jet of water in the strawberries’ faces)

Strawberry Bush: Aiii!!!!

Friend 1: (Lowers the hose) Sorry.  (To the entire backyard) Is that it?!

Garden: [Grumbles in agreement]

Friend 1: Good!  (Turns off the hose and tosses it away) I’ll be back at the same time tomorrow!

Garden: [Groans in despair] 

SATURDAY MORNING 

(Seated at a kitchen table in an apartment, Friend 1 is job searching on a laptop when Friend 2 calls)

Friend 1: (Answering) So, you’ve returned at last, have you?

Friend 2: (Standing in the middle of the garden maze, which is still dripping) What did you do to my plants?!

Friend 1: Exactly as you instructed: I watered them.

Friend 2: Almost drowned them, more like!  I said only do enough to get them wet!

Friend 1: And they are wet, aren’t they?  I fail to see the issue here.

Friend 2: If you water them too much, you rot out the roots!

Friend 1: Oh.  Well, they looked like they needed it, what can I tell you.

Friend 2: You can tell me that you know we’re still under a water restriction from last year, right?!  I’m only supposed to water these once every few days!

Friend 1: A fact you neglected to mention in your haste to add a chore to my list.  And we’re under a water restriction?

Friend 2: Unbeliev – you live under a rock, you know that?!

Friend 1: I sometimes wish I did.

Friend 2: And by the way, you also can tell me that you were too aggressive with the hose and took your irritation out on my poor babies!

Friend 1: (Flares up) Who snitched?!  The marigolds?!  The tomatoes?!  The potatoes?!  Every last one of them were giving me dirty looks the entire time I was there, the ingrates!

Friend 2: (Rubs eyes in weariness) Listen, I appreciate you doing this for me, and I think they’ll all make through the hyperhydration; I’m just exhausted from the conference and the travel and nearly not-landing on the runway coming back, and seeing my garden nearly washed away on top of all that was the last straw.

Friend 1: I get it; I’m sorry.  I’ll water slightly less next time.

Friend 2: Next time I’ll ask my neighbor to do it.

Friend 1: Even better.

Story 594: Better Not Forget About Father’s Day

(In a townhouse, Sibling 2 is stretched out on the living couch checking e-mails on a cell phone, then suddenly stops and stares into space, brow furrowed)

Sibling 2: Hmmmm…. (Gnaws lip for a few moments, then selects a contact on the phone and places a call)

Sibling 1: (Jolts awake in an apartment bedroom, flails around for a cell phone on the bedside lamp table, and answers with a massive yawn) Yellllllooooohhhh?

Sibling 2: …Did I wake you up?

Sibling 1: Nooooo – (Yawns again and rubs eyes) `course not; I’m wide asleep.  Awake!

Sibling 2: It’s 11:30 in the morning!

Sibling 1: And it’s also Sunday: don’t judge my weekend sleep cycle.

Sibling 2: I’m not; I’m judging your overall laziness.

Sibling 1: (Rolls onto back with an exasperated sigh) Whatever – why are you calling me at this unreasonable hour anyway?

Sibling 2: Oh, well, it’s just… you ever feel like you’ve forgotten something important?

Sibling 1: Every second of the day.  At last: you understand me.

Sibling 2: Something I could’ve lived without.

Sibling 1: Rude.  So, what do you think you forgot?

Sibling 2: Well if I knew that, then I’d’ve remembered it and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Sibling 1: Rude again.  Just trying to help since, after all, you called me!

Sibling 2: Sorry.  Anyway, it started bothering me, and I think it involves you, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is!

Sibling 1: (Stretches with another yawn) I dunno, maybe you owe me money?

Sibling 2: Ha!

Sibling 1: Fair enough.  Maybe I owe you money?

Sibling 2: No, I would’ve gotten it out of you right away.

Sibling 1: True.  All right: what were you doing that triggered the memory of the forget?

Sibling 2: I was checking my e-mail – nothing stood out, but I got a nudgy feeling at the back of my brain all of a sudden and I don’t know why.

Sibling 1: (Eyes closed while starting to doze off again) Well, it was probably something you read; just retrace your virtual steps and I’m sure it’ll all come back to you….

Sibling 2: Huh.  That’s actually a good idea.

Sibling 1: Yes, I do have those every so often….

Sibling 2: OK, I’ll put you on speaker while I bring up my e-mail again.  (Starts pressing buttons on the phone)

Sibling 1: You… bet…. (Starts snoring softly)

Sibling 2 (On speaker, scrolling through e-mails) Right, we’ve got water bill, Internet bill, electricity bill, that one’s already paid but due today, June 15, and OH MY GOSH I COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT TODAY IS FATHER’S DAY!!!

Sibling 1: (Leaps out of bed and is fully dressed in the space of five seconds) OH NO IT IS FATHER’S DAY HOW COULD YOU FORGET???!!!

Sibling 2: (Running in circles in the living room) HOW COULD I FORGET???!!!  HOW COULD YOU FORGET???!!!  WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING???!!!

Sibling 1: (Running through the apartment aimlessly) BECAUSE IT’S THE RULES!  HOW COULD YOU REMEMBER MOTHER’S DAY AND NOT FATHER’S DAY???!!!

Sibling 2:  I DON’T KNOW, WHY IS ONE ON A SECOND SUNDAY AND THE OTHER ON A THIRD SUNDAY???!!!

Sibling 1: I DON’T KNOW, WHY IS THE SKY BLUE???!!!                  

Sibling 2: THAT’S A FALSE EQUIVALENCY!  THAT HAS TO DO WITH PHYSICS; THIS IS A HUMAN-MADE CULTURAL EVENT THAT HAS NO MEANING OUTSIDE OF ITSELF!  WHAT’RE WE GONNA DOOOOOOO???!!!

Sibling 1: I GOT IT!  ASK DAD FOR ADVICE!

Sibling 2: HE’S THE ONE WE’RE INSULTING WITH OUR NEGLECT AS WE SPEAK!

Sibling 1: ALL RIGHT, THEN I’VE GOT NOTHIN’!

Sibling 2: YOU – (Suddenly stops running and abruptly sits back down on the couch) OK, this is what’s going to happen: you go to the supermarket and grab the first “Father’s Day From Both” card you find and the biggest chocolate cake you find; I’ll get generic and sweet shop gift cards; we’ll meet up at the parents’ house at 1:00, throw ourselves onto the mercy of the court, and hope they’re in the middle of barbecuing dinner by the time we get there, got it?

Sibling 1: (Had stopped running when reaching the inside of the hall closet) Got it!

Sibling 2: Great!

Sibling 1: Just one thing.

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: When you say “1:00”, is that a hard “1:00” or is there a two-hour leeway that – (Call is disconnected) Hello?

1:00 P.M. 

(Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s cars screech onto the parents’ driveway after each other; each falls out of their respective driver side doors carrying their respective gifts, run to the front entrance of the house, and crash into the closed door)

Sibling 1: (Tosses the cake and card into Sibling 2’s arms and begins pounding on the door with both fists) Hello-hello-hello-hello-hello- !

Sibling 2: They never lock it when they know we’re coming over – something’s wrong

Sibling 1: (Stops pounding) Oh no, this is the nightmare scenario every caring middle-aged child faces!  And on a major holiday, no less!  How inconvenient!

Sibling 2: What?  Here.  (Tosses the cake and card back to Sibling 1, reaches into a pocket with the hand not holding the gift cards, pulls out a ring of keys, flips through them frantically, and unlocks the front door; both rush into the house)

Sibling 1: (Running back-and-forth between the kitchen and the living room, still carrying the cake and card) MOM??!!  DAD???!!!  ARE YOU ALIVE????!!!!  ANSWER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Sibling 2: (Sighs while slowing down to a stop in the kitchen) I can see now you’ll be absolutely useless in an actual crisis.

Sibling 1: (Also stops and turns to face Sibling 2) Oh good, that means you’d take care of everything, right?

Sibling 2: Apparently.  (Spots a note on the counter) Hold on.  (Both walk over to the counter; Sibling 2 picks up the note and reads aloud) “Hey Kids, we know you’ve both had a lot going on lately so your Mom and I figured rather than bringing up Father’s Day and putting you on the spot, we went to Hawai‘i instead.  We’ll be back on Friday, so since you’re reading this note please tell the next-door neighbor that you’ll now be feeding the cats while we’re gone.  We’ll show you a bunch of photos and videos when we get back!  Love, Your #1 Dad”

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of silence) So does that mean, he’s cool about the whole thing, or he’s not and we’re in deep trouble?

Sibling 2: You’d think we’d be able to tell after knowing someone for literally our entire lives.  Probably best to anticipate the latter and also clean the house while we’re feeding the cats, and hope for the former by the time the folks get back.  (Leans down to scratch the ears of two cats who suddenly appeared, knowing they were being discussed)

Sibling 1: Good thinking.  (Holds up the container) Should we go ahead and eat the cake, then?

Sibling 2: …Be a shame to waste it.

Story 593: Unexpected Roommate

            (At a condo, there is a knock on the front door; Resident rushes to check the peephole)

Resident: Ah!  At last!  (Hurriedly unlocks and opens the door)

Contractor: (Turns to face Resident, whipping off sunglasses) Heard you have a leak?

Resident: Yes!  Somewhere.

Contractor: What?

Resident: (Gesturing Contractor to enter) Thanks for coming over so quickly; I’ve been simply beside myself.

Contractor: (Entering) So it seems: lead the way.

Resident: (Leading Contractor to the bathroom) I just had a leak from the upstairs unit a few months ago and it destroyed everything, but it was all fixed so this just baffles my mind, absolutely baffles it!

Contractor: Uh-huh.  (They enter the bathroom, with Resident turning on the light and Contractor looking up at the ceiling) So, where’s the leak exactly?

Resident: That’s just it: I don’t know!

Contractor: (Looks back at Resident) Eh?

Resident: I keep hearing water dripping onto something, but I’ve checked everywhere here and in the laundry room and nothing!  It’s completely bizarre!

Contractor: Hm.  (Enters the adjacent laundry room, turns on the light, and looks up at that ceiling) Hmmmmm….

Resident; I checked the washing machine too, and the floors, and the shower – no puddles, no dampness, no mold, nothing!  But the dripping remains!

Contractor: Yep, seems to be a mystery.  (Grabs a dust mop from a corner) You mind?

Resident: No, go ahead: do what you must.

Contractor: Thanks.  (Uses the handle to tap the laundry room ceiling a bit, then goes back into the bathroom and taps that ceiling as well) When’s the last time you heard the dripping?

Resident: I don’t know, it just happens whenever!  It waits until I think it’s gone away, then strikes again!

Contractor: (Returns the mop to the laundry room) All right, let’s listen for a minute then.

(The two stand quietly; after a few moments, there is a sound of something softly tapping against metal)

Resident: (Slightly hops up-and-down in restrained excitement) Ooh, there it is, there it is!  The cursèd dripping, I can’t bear it!

Contractor: (Glances around the bathroom for a few moments) Yep, there it is all right, but where?  (Looks down at a wall when the sound happens again, and freezes) Diiiiiiiid you have any work done here in the past few days?

Resident: Hm?  Oh, yeah, my air conditioner got tuned up this morning, and that’s when the dripping started, why?  (Gasps in horror) Do you think the entire air conditioning system is leaking?!

Contractor: (Squats down next to a wall vent) No, but I think it may explain a few things.  (Peers into the vent for a few moments, then stands back up)  Well, I have some good news for you.

Resident: Yes?

Contractor: It’s not a leak.

Resident: Oh thank GOODNESS!  You have NO IDEA how much of a relief that is!  I am so worn out by water damage that if it’d happened again I would have MELTED DOWN, just MELTED!  DOWN!

Contractor: Got it.

Resident: (Smiling broadly) So!  What’s all the noise then, hm?

Contractor: It’s a mouse.

Resident: (Smile freezes in place) …What?

Contractor: My guess is the critter’s been hanging around in the ducts, then got blasted down here – (Taps the wall) when the air conditioning was turned on, and what you thought was water dripping down was actually the poor thing fruitlessly trying to climb back up.

Resident: (Eyes widening by the second) …What?!

Contractor: I’m surprised you haven’t heard the little feet strolling around before now; I can only see one in there, but there may be more, or at least there will be soon, `cause this one looks to be pregnant.

Resident: (Ready to burst) WHAT?!

Contractor: Don’t worry: I’ll get `em out for you if you want, but it’ll be extra since I don’t usually do animal control.

Resident: I don’t care!  I can’t believe there’s been an actual mouse –

Contractor: Possibly mice.

Resident: – living in the same space I do, and breathing my air!  Rent free!

Contractor: Hey, if you knew half the things that are living in your walls, you’d never live anywhere.

Resident: Ewwwwwwwwugh!

Contractor: So, do you want me to remove the little mama or what?  You’ll definitely want to get the ducts cleaned out, although that’s not my purview and the companies that do it charge a pretty penny, considering how gnarly things get in there.

Resident: I don’t care if it’s an ugly penny, I can never use my air conditioning again after this disaster, never!

Contractor: I’m sure it’s fine: I doubt the mold spore and germ counts in there are that high.

Resident: But what about the mouse’s – (Flaps a hand in the direction of the vent) you know, leavings?!

Contractor: Yeah, well, I leave that to the professionals who aren’t me.  (Squats down again to examine the vent cover) This thing just pops off the wall when it’s unscrewed, right?

Resident: (Had taken out a cell phone and is dialing) Huh?  Oh, yeah, sure, whatever.  (Holds the phone up to an ear) Excuse me.

Contractor: (Sees the mouse reaching out a tentative paw between the vent cover’s slats, and pats the cover lightly in reassurance) Don’t worry, little buddy – we’ll get you out of there soon.

Resident: (To the phone) Yes, I said “mice”!  An invasion of them!  Now I’m going to have to move out!

Contractor: (Stands; to Resident) I’m just going out to the truck to get a trap – be back in a minute.

Resident: (Distractedly) Yeah, fine, don’t care.  (Back to the phone) What do you mean, you’ll never let me move back in?!  I AM YOUR CHILD!

Contractor: (On the way out) Yeesh.

(Later, Contractor and Resident are in the nearby woods with the trap)

Contractor: (Wearing gloves and holding the trap out to Resident) Want to do the honors?

Resident: (Still on the phone; to Contractor) Are you kidding?!  (Back to the phone) Yes, I want the works!  Fumigation – sterilization – EXTERMINATION!  (Pauses for a few moments) Too bad that it’s not included!

Contractor: (Shakes head slightly, then leans down to release the mouse from the trap onto the ground) Here ya go: be free.  (The mouse does not move; Contractor gently shakes the trap in encouragement) C’mon, get out while the gettin’s good.  (The mouse finally leaves the trap, looks around while sniffing the air, then bolts into the woods without looking back; Contractors stands back up to watch and sighs in contentment) At least that’s a happy ending.

Resident: (To the phone) Bleach – acid – RAZE IT TO THE GROUND!

Contractor: (Walks past Resident) I’ll send you the bill.

Resident: (To the phone) Hold on.  (To Contractor) If I find any more water-impersonating mice in there, I’m not paying a cent!  (Back to the phone) Yes, TOTAL ANNIHILATION!

Contractor: (Mutters) Right now, I envy the mouse.