Story 595: Could You Water the Plants While I’m Away?

            (At a department store, Friend 1 is working at the customer service desk)

Customer: What do you mean, you don’t have it?!

Friend 1: Here.  (Swings a computer monitor around to face Customer and points at a line item on a list) See this?  Zero.  As in, zero in store, zero in the warehouses, and I’m pretty certain zero currently exist on this mortal plane.  Can’t reach into the nearest alternate universe and pull out a copy into this one, either.

Customer: Why, you, you’re – so rude!

Friend 1: (Swings the monitor back around) Well, truth hurts.

Customer: Yeah, but you don’t have to be so sarcastic about it!  (Walks away)

Friend 1: (To the monitor) That wasn’t sarcasm, it was impertinence.  (Cell phone in a pants pocket rings; Friend 1 looks around, does not see anyone nearby, and answers the phone after checking the caller ID) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Seated in a terminal gate waiting area in an airport) Oh hey, sorry, are you at work right now?

Friend 1: Yeah but I think I just got myself fired, so how can I help you?

Friend 2: Ohhhh-kaaaay – well, I’m at the airport and we’ll be boarding soon, and I realized I forgot to also ask when you come to the house could you water the plants while I’m away?

Friend 1: (Slow blinks) You lost me at “I’m at the airport”.

Friend 2: Are you kidding me?!  I’m going to the work conference I told you about months ago, and you promised you would check up on the house and pick up the mail while I was gone; you even said it was “NBD”, which should’ve tipped me off immediately that you had no idea what you were agreeing to!

Friend 1: …That was this year?

Friend 2: (Pauses to listen to an announcement) They’re calling my group: I’ll be back Friday night, so just bring in the mail and water the plants unless it rains, please, and maybe I’ll remember to bring back a souvenir for you.

Friend 1: When you say “Water the plants”, about how many and for how long?

Friend 2: (Standing and grabbing a small suitcase to join the line at the gate) All the ones you see, and until they’re wet, bye!  (Ends the call and brings up a boarding pass on the phone, muttering) I’ll be lucky if I have a house left by the time I get back.

Harried Passenger: (Standing in front of Friend 2, turns around) You’re not kidding – leaving the kids in charge is always a recipe for disaster, but you gotta give `em some responsibility or else they’ll never grow up, am-I-right?

Friend 2: …Yeah.

Friend 1: (Brow furrowed in confusion, pockets the cell phone as Manager approaches the desk with Customer) I don’t remember ever seeing plants there…. 

NEXT MORNING 

(Friend 1 arrives at Friend 2’s house, takes the previous day’s mail out of the box, unlocks the front door, and drops the mail onto the kitchen counter)

Friend 1: All right, one part down.  (Walks around several rooms, searching) Just what I thought: no plants here.  (Goes out the back door and freezes) Oh.  (The backyard is a ginormous garden, set up as a maze and filled with rows and trellises of fruits, vegetables, flowers, and legumes, surrounded by hanging baskets of more flowers and bookended with fruit bushes) What am I supposed to do with this?!  These aren’t “plants”, they’re the Hanging Gardens of Babylon!  (Spots an extremely long hose attached to a faucet on the side of the house) OK, guess this is it.  (Turns on the water, drags the length of hose to the garden entrance, and begins dousing the plants) Apologies in advance if I miss anyone, but until your mama comes back, take what you can get.  (Struggles up and down the leafy aisles, getting scratches and contact hives from all the flora reaching out for the moving stream; the water also disturbs several insects that were perched on flowers)

Butterfly: (Shaking legs in anger at Friend 1) Hey!  I’m pollinatin’ here!

Friend 1: (Aims the hose in Butterfly’s general direction) Buzz off!

Butterfly: I don’t buzz, I flutter by!  (Flutters by Friend 1 and administers a gentle slap of the wings on the latter’s wrist) Take that!

Friend 1: Was that a breeze?

Butterfly: Hmpf!  (Flutters to a neighboring backyard to wreak pollination havoc there)

(Friend 1 wipes sweat off forehead while getting drenched everywhere else in yanking the hose around corners and holding it up to cover the taller plants, then lower to drench the dirt, grousing incomprehensibly all the while.  After emerging from the maze that is now a dripping rainforest and watering the hanging baskets and nearby bushes, stands at the maze’s entrance again to address the gathering) Well?!  Are you all satisfied?!

Strawberry Bush: (In a corner by the side of the house) Ahem.  (Waves a few runners at Friend 1)

Friend 1: Oh for crying out – (Shoots a jet of water in the strawberries’ faces)

Strawberry Bush: Aiii!!!!

Friend 1: (Lowers the hose) Sorry.  (To the entire backyard) Is that it?!

Garden: [Grumbles in agreement]

Friend 1: Good!  (Turns off the hose and tosses it away) I’ll be back at the same time tomorrow!

Garden: [Groans in despair] 

SATURDAY MORNING 

(Seated at a kitchen table in an apartment, Friend 1 is job searching on a laptop when Friend 2 calls)

Friend 1: (Answering) So, you’ve returned at last, have you?

Friend 2: (Standing in the middle of the garden maze, which is still dripping) What did you do to my plants?!

Friend 1: Exactly as you instructed: I watered them.

Friend 2: Almost drowned them, more like!  I said only do enough to get them wet!

Friend 1: And they are wet, aren’t they?  I fail to see the issue here.

Friend 2: If you water them too much, you rot out the roots!

Friend 1: Oh.  Well, they looked like they needed it, what can I tell you.

Friend 2: You can tell me that you know we’re still under a water restriction from last year, right?!  I’m only supposed to water these once every few days!

Friend 1: A fact you neglected to mention in your haste to add a chore to my list.  And we’re under a water restriction?

Friend 2: Unbeliev – you live under a rock, you know that?!

Friend 1: I sometimes wish I did.

Friend 2: And by the way, you also can tell me that you were too aggressive with the hose and took your irritation out on my poor babies!

Friend 1: (Flares up) Who snitched?!  The marigolds?!  The tomatoes?!  The potatoes?!  Every last one of them were giving me dirty looks the entire time I was there, the ingrates!

Friend 2: (Rubs eyes in weariness) Listen, I appreciate you doing this for me, and I think they’ll all make through the hyperhydration; I’m just exhausted from the conference and the travel and nearly not-landing on the runway coming back, and seeing my garden nearly washed away on top of all that was the last straw.

Friend 1: I get it; I’m sorry.  I’ll water slightly less next time.

Friend 2: Next time I’ll ask my neighbor to do it.

Friend 1: Even better.

Story 588: Better Not Forget About Mother’s Day

 SATURDAY, MAY 3

            (In a townhouse, Sibling 2 is folding laundry on the living room couch while listening to the radio with the volume turned up to the max)

Sibling 2: (Singing along, also to the max) <AND IIIIIIIIIIIII/ DON’T KNOOOOOOOWWWWW THE WOOOOOOORDS/ OOOOOOOOOOH, I – > (Is interrupted by knocking on the front door and turns briefly to the open windows) Oops.  (Turns off the radio and checks the door’s peephole) Oh good.  (Unlocks and opens the door) Hey there – thought you were one of my neighbors telling me to shut up.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, get that a lot?

Sibling 2: Very funny; come on in.

(Sibling 1 enters but stays in the entranceway as Sibling 2 closes the door)

Sibling1: Thanks.  Sorry to drop in like this –

Sibling 2: Not at all; want something to drink?

Sibling 1: No thanks, I’ll make this quick.  (Shoves hands into pants pockets and starts rocking back and forth in muted excitement) Soooo, I know this is last-minute, but I just saw a billboard on the highway this morning saying that ----- is having a surprise concert in town, as in actually here, next Sunday!  Out of nowhere!

Sibling 2: Really, here?  Why?

Sibling 1: Who knows?!  So, if I somehow can get tickets, you wanna go?

Sibling 2: To a concert next Sunday.

Sibling 1: (Nods and starts lightly bouncing in glee) Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Sibling 2: Next Sunday, as in the second Sunday of May.

Sibling 1: (Nods some more) Yep, all day!

Sibling 2: (Crosses arms) Yeah, do you know what happens on the second Sunday of May in most countries in the world?  Including this one?

Sibling 1: (Stops bouncing and twitches jaw in thought) The… Sun also rises?

Sibling 2: (Suddenly uncrosses arms) It’s Mother’s Day, you dope!

Sibling 1: (Gasps and briefly brings hands to face) Ohhhhh nooooo!  That’s this year?!

Sibling 2: It’s every year!

Sibling 1: Oh right.

Sibling 2: And lemme guess: you forgot to make a reservation for brunch like you said you would after Mother’s Day last year.

Sibling 1: That was last year?!  I thought that was two years ago and you were supposed to make the reservation this year!

Sibling 2: (Looking confused) No… no, I did it last year…?  (Looks off into the distance of memory)

Sibling 1: (Looks off into the same distance) Or were Mom and Dad on that cruise last year and it was actually three… no, four…?

Sibling 2: Five…?

(They suddenly look at each other in horror)

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH – !

FIVE MINUTES LATER

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 are sitting on the living room couch next to piles of folded laundry, each holding a glass of water and staring at nothing)

Sibling 2: Well, now that that existential crisis has been put on hold for the moment: what are we going to do about Mother’s Day?

Sibling 1: I guess I can try making a reservation… somewhere, but I think everywhere around here’s been booked for that day since last Thanksgiving.

Sibling 2: Maybe we can try, I dunno, making something instead?

Sibling 1: What, you mean, cooking something?

Sibling 2: Yeah.

Sibling 1: You?!

Sibling 2: Hey!

Sibling 1: Sorry, I mean: Me?!

Sibling 2: Eh, you’re right: we’re both hopeless in that department.  You’re every food delivery service’s best customer, and my gourmet limit is pasta, and maybe brownies if I’m paying attention.

Sibling 1: I always like your brownies.

Sibling 2: Thanks.

Sibling 1: At least you have some variety – best I can do is whip up a sandwich.  (Turns to Sibling 2) Hey, you think she’d like one of those?

Sibling 2: (Stares back in mild disbelief) I think we can do a tad better than that.

Sibling 1: Maybe, but you know Mom, she’ll be happy with whatever we get her, right?  And actually mean it, `cause it’s about the company and not the gift, right?!  Right??!!

Sibling 2: I know, but deep down, she’d be ever so slightly disappointed, not in the gift itself but in its representation of how we turned out in life, and she’d wonder “Where did I go wrong?”

Sibling 1: I often wonder that myself.

Sibling 2: (Stands decisively) OK, I’ve got it: pasta for dinner, brownies for dessert with bakery cookies as back-up in case I burn them, and you – (Points to Sibling 1) get some nice flowers that she can plant in the backyard garden.  Sound good?

Sibling 1: (Also stands) Sounds great!  Cheers!  (They tap glasses and start drinking, then stop with disgusted looks on their faces)

Sibling 2: (Spits water back into the glass) Yeah, I forgot they’re flushing the lines around here again.

Sibling 1: (Also spits the water back into the glass and hands that over to Sibling 2) Still tastes better than when they do it by me.

SUNDAY, MAY 11 – MOTHER’S DAY

(At Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s parents’ house, all four are seated around the dining room table)

Mom: (Finishing pasta with a bright smile) Well, I have to say, this is probably the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever had.

Sibling 1: Aw, Ma, you say that every year!

Mom: And I mean it every year!

Dad: Heh-heh, except for that one year we all got food poisoning `cause I’d picked up bad lettuce for the salad; remember that one?

Mom: (Eyes blazing) WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT YEAR!  (Dad freezes; Mom resets and smiles again) Now, I know we just finished dinner, but I’m really looking forward to what you brought for dessert!

Sibling 2: Thanks!  We can have that after we all clean up in here, if you want to plant those flowers out back now.

Mom: Oh no, honey, they need to stay in the vase.  (Points to a vase of flowers in the center of the table)

Sibling 2: (Through clenched teeth at Sibling 1) But they were supposed to be ones that could be planted outside.

Sibling 1: (Slurping up spaghetti remnants) Huh?

Mom: Well, these actually are indoor plants, and they go very nicely with the dining room color scheme.

Sibling 2: (Still at Sibling 1) Again, you had one job to do!  Can’t you tell the difference between outdoor plants and indoor ones?!

Sibling 1: Can you?!

Sibling 2: That’s not the point!

Sibling 1: Hey, you’re lucky I was even able to get these – I went to about 10 places before I found one that actually sold flowers!

Sibling 2: They’re in every supermarket around here, and you couldn’t go five feet this week without falling over a pop-up garden stand!  How have you survived in life this long?!

Sibling 1: Judgey hypocrite!

Sibling 2: Helpless twit!

(They partially stand to lunge across the table and start shoving each other by the shoulders, yelling incomprehensibly)

Dad: (Buttering up a roll and addressing Mom under Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s arms as the battle rages) You know, it’s always nice when we get together as a family, isn’t it?

Mom: (Sipping wine as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 drag each other to the living room to wrestle on the floor) Yes, but sometimes I wonder: where did I go wrong?

Story 232: Better Living by Extreme Gardening

              Announcer: And here is our host, Ivy “League” Weeding!

            Ivy: (Wearing workout clothes, scythe in hand, standing in a field) Hello everyone.  Thank you for joining me in strengthening your bodies, your minds, and most important of all, your pitiful pantries.  I will be blunt: you’re watching this show because all your workout regimes have failed.  The walking five miles every day before sunrise, the kickboxing yoga, the giant-tire tossing, the Channel-swimming – all were useless garbage that have failed you for the last time, plus they were boring as all out.  Now, I offer you a beacon of hope: an activity that is not just a workout, but a way of life.  Today, I will show you how to transform yourselves by transforming the Earth, seizing and wresting life from within the heart of it just as God must once have done.  So, pick up your scythe, find yourself an empty field, and let’s begin our journey into –

[Title Card: BETTER LIVING BY EXTREME GARDENING]

            (Cut to: Ivy clearing out a portion of the field)

            Ivy: (Speaking between swings) On your first garden – (Swing!) – you should clear out a plot just large enough – (Swing!) – to match your current abilities – (Swing!) – and your requirements for your kitchen table.  (Swing!  Swing!  Swing!)  (She pauses to wipe sweat off her brow) One acre by two acres should be sufficient for beginners.

            (Cut to: Ivy working on the cleared-out section with a hoe)

            Ivy: Now, I always recommend that garden plots be given a final comb-through with at least a half-dozen sheep – (She gestures with her head off to her left: the camera pans over to reveal said sheep, chewing away) – but nothing beats getting into the literal dirt by using a good old-fashioned hoe.  Yes indeed, you really get a full-body workout by vigorously hoeing away – (Stands suddenly) – that doesn’t sound right at all; make sure you edit out that last bit, yeah?

            (Cut to: Ivy pushing a plow)

            Ivy: (Slightly out of breath) Once cleared of all that pesky natural growth, it’s almost time to impose your will completely upon the helpless soil.  (Gets stuck for a moment; her feet scramble in place until the plow moves again) No need to impress our animal brethren into working our machines when the whole point is to improve our own bodies, hm?  (Slips and falls onto the ground, then makes a “Cut!” motion with her hand)

            (Cut to: Ivy running up and down rows, scattering seeds into the new troughs)

          Ivy: (As the camera skittishly follows her) Here’s where the magic happens: the miracle of creation, in the palms of our hands!  Right now I’m planting string beans, and I have never felt more fulfilled in my entire life!  (The camera stops following her and tilts down, with the sound of strained breathing heard) Just lie down and keep the lens facing this way!

            (Cut to: Ivy doing push-ups as she scoots across each row)

           Ivy: As you can see – (push and scoot) – the dirt will be packed more firmly – (push and scoot) – and your arms and abs will benefit more greatly (push and scoot) – using this method – (push and scoot) – however much more time – (push and scoot) – it may take.  (She spins around onto her back to do crunches) You also can switch it up – (scoot) – albeit in a dirtier way –

            (Cut to: a panorama of the planted field; the camera then pans down to Ivy, who is covered in dirt and prone on the ground in front of the garden)

            Ivy: (Faintly) At last, your routine is complete for the entire season: all you have to do is maintain this horde of treasure and your now-iron muscles with regular weeding.  (A nearly inaudible voice from off-camera is heard) If you’re wondering about watering your new kingdom, (She raises her arms above her) that is all taken care of by the very sky above us.  (The nearly inaudible voice is heard again; she drops her arms back to her sides) I’ve just been informed that there is little to no rain here at this time of year.  (She springs up off the ground) Perfect!  On to our supplemental course: “Increased Toning by Building Your Own Irrigation System”!