Story 593: Unexpected Roommate

            (At a condo, there is a knock on the front door; Resident rushes to check the peephole)

Resident: Ah!  At last!  (Hurriedly unlocks and opens the door)

Contractor: (Turns to face Resident, whipping off sunglasses) Heard you have a leak?

Resident: Yes!  Somewhere.

Contractor: What?

Resident: (Gesturing Contractor to enter) Thanks for coming over so quickly; I’ve been simply beside myself.

Contractor: (Entering) So it seems: lead the way.

Resident: (Leading Contractor to the bathroom) I just had a leak from the upstairs unit a few months ago and it destroyed everything, but it was all fixed so this just baffles my mind, absolutely baffles it!

Contractor: Uh-huh.  (They enter the bathroom, with Resident turning on the light and Contractor looking up at the ceiling) So, where’s the leak exactly?

Resident: That’s just it: I don’t know!

Contractor: (Looks back at Resident) Eh?

Resident: I keep hearing water dripping onto something, but I’ve checked everywhere here and in the laundry room and nothing!  It’s completely bizarre!

Contractor: Hm.  (Enters the adjacent laundry room, turns on the light, and looks up at that ceiling) Hmmmmm….

Resident; I checked the washing machine too, and the floors, and the shower – no puddles, no dampness, no mold, nothing!  But the dripping remains!

Contractor: Yep, seems to be a mystery.  (Grabs a dust mop from a corner) You mind?

Resident: No, go ahead: do what you must.

Contractor: Thanks.  (Uses the handle to tap the laundry room ceiling a bit, then goes back into the bathroom and taps that ceiling as well) When’s the last time you heard the dripping?

Resident: I don’t know, it just happens whenever!  It waits until I think it’s gone away, then strikes again!

Contractor: (Returns the mop to the laundry room) All right, let’s listen for a minute then.

(The two stand quietly; after a few moments, there is a sound of something softly tapping against metal)

Resident: (Slightly hops up-and-down in restrained excitement) Ooh, there it is, there it is!  The cursèd dripping, I can’t bear it!

Contractor: (Glances around the bathroom for a few moments) Yep, there it is all right, but where?  (Looks down at a wall when the sound happens again, and freezes) Diiiiiiiid you have any work done here in the past few days?

Resident: Hm?  Oh, yeah, my air conditioner got tuned up this morning, and that’s when the dripping started, why?  (Gasps in horror) Do you think the entire air conditioning system is leaking?!

Contractor: (Squats down next to a wall vent) No, but I think it may explain a few things.  (Peers into the vent for a few moments, then stands back up)  Well, I have some good news for you.

Resident: Yes?

Contractor: It’s not a leak.

Resident: Oh thank GOODNESS!  You have NO IDEA how much of a relief that is!  I am so worn out by water damage that if it’d happened again I would have MELTED DOWN, just MELTED!  DOWN!

Contractor: Got it.

Resident: (Smiling broadly) So!  What’s all the noise then, hm?

Contractor: It’s a mouse.

Resident: (Smile freezes in place) …What?

Contractor: My guess is the critter’s been hanging around in the ducts, then got blasted down here – (Taps the wall) when the air conditioning was turned on, and what you thought was water dripping down was actually the poor thing fruitlessly trying to climb back up.

Resident: (Eyes widening by the second) …What?!

Contractor: I’m surprised you haven’t heard the little feet strolling around before now; I can only see one in there, but there may be more, or at least there will be soon, `cause this one looks to be pregnant.

Resident: (Ready to burst) WHAT?!

Contractor: Don’t worry: I’ll get `em out for you if you want, but it’ll be extra since I don’t usually do animal control.

Resident: I don’t care!  I can’t believe there’s been an actual mouse –

Contractor: Possibly mice.

Resident: – living in the same space I do, and breathing my air!  Rent free!

Contractor: Hey, if you knew half the things that are living in your walls, you’d never live anywhere.

Resident: Ewwwwwwwwugh!

Contractor: So, do you want me to remove the little mama or what?  You’ll definitely want to get the ducts cleaned out, although that’s not my purview and the companies that do it charge a pretty penny, considering how gnarly things get in there.

Resident: I don’t care if it’s an ugly penny, I can never use my air conditioning again after this disaster, never!

Contractor: I’m sure it’s fine: I doubt the mold spore and germ counts in there are that high.

Resident: But what about the mouse’s – (Flaps a hand in the direction of the vent) you know, leavings?!

Contractor: Yeah, well, I leave that to the professionals who aren’t me.  (Squats down again to examine the vent cover) This thing just pops off the wall when it’s unscrewed, right?

Resident: (Had taken out a cell phone and is dialing) Huh?  Oh, yeah, sure, whatever.  (Holds the phone up to an ear) Excuse me.

Contractor: (Sees the mouse reaching out a tentative paw between the vent cover’s slats, and pats the cover lightly in reassurance) Don’t worry, little buddy – we’ll get you out of there soon.

Resident: (To the phone) Yes, I said “mice”!  An invasion of them!  Now I’m going to have to move out!

Contractor: (Stands; to Resident) I’m just going out to the truck to get a trap – be back in a minute.

Resident: (Distractedly) Yeah, fine, don’t care.  (Back to the phone) What do you mean, you’ll never let me move back in?!  I AM YOUR CHILD!

Contractor: (On the way out) Yeesh.

(Later, Contractor and Resident are in the nearby woods with the trap)

Contractor: (Wearing gloves and holding the trap out to Resident) Want to do the honors?

Resident: (Still on the phone; to Contractor) Are you kidding?!  (Back to the phone) Yes, I want the works!  Fumigation – sterilization – EXTERMINATION!  (Pauses for a few moments) Too bad that it’s not included!

Contractor: (Shakes head slightly, then leans down to release the mouse from the trap onto the ground) Here ya go: be free.  (The mouse does not move; Contractor gently shakes the trap in encouragement) C’mon, get out while the gettin’s good.  (The mouse finally leaves the trap, looks around while sniffing the air, then bolts into the woods without looking back; Contractors stands back up to watch and sighs in contentment) At least that’s a happy ending.

Resident: (To the phone) Bleach – acid – RAZE IT TO THE GROUND!

Contractor: (Walks past Resident) I’ll send you the bill.

Resident: (To the phone) Hold on.  (To Contractor) If I find any more water-impersonating mice in there, I’m not paying a cent!  (Back to the phone) Yes, TOTAL ANNIHILATION!

Contractor: (Mutters) Right now, I envy the mouse.

Story 404: A Midsummer Night’s Autumn

 In the 95°F late August weather, The Employee clocks out of work at 5:00 p.m. and transforms into The Commuter, soon to become The Shopper – there is always some kind of work to be done.

The bus’s air conditioning does battle with the extreme heat and humidity during the ride through the city; the passengers melt off at each stop, the driver nearly joining them every time.

The sun has been setting a minute earlier each day; at night, the heat remains.

The Commuter evaporates into The Shopper while exiting the bus and floats into a department store; the sweat immediately turns to icicles and The Shopper condenses as the overpowered air conditioning blasts the entire building.  The Shopper’s internal thermodynamics are thrown in a state of array and run off screaming.

The Shopper is likewise befuddled: “Is this Halloween?”

The entire store is decorated in various shades of orange, brown, and black; fake falling leaves are everywhere; possibly-fake cobwebs are strung amongst displays.

The Shopper plunges through a pile of football season paraphernalia to grab a shopping cart, and the trek through the store begins.

One item needed is a replacement beach umbrella, which is tucked away in Summer Clearance: “But I’m going there this weekend!  The lifeguards are still on duty!  Why is all the beach stuff shoved out of the season?!”

At the end of an aisle is a few sunscreen bottles; as The Shopper reaches for one, a motion sensor is tripped and a cackling witch flashes its LED eyes at passers-by.  The Shopper jumps only slightly: “Oh, dear.”

Ghosts and goblins line the walls and shelves, and the constant breeze stirs up the haphazardly strewn leaves and strategically strewn hay bales.

At the store’s café, The Shopper stands on line to buy a lemonade.  The frazzled barista finishes the three-course-meal order of the previous customer and turns to The Shopper: “Hello, would you like to try our pumpkin spice coffee, our pumpkin spice scone, and/or our pumpkin spice pumpkin?”

“…Not today, thank you.”

Sipping the lemonade, The Shopper wanders into the holiday section of the store, which has been converted into a haunted house.

“Beware of midnight, bwahahahaha!!!!” an employee dressed as a werewolf at the house’s entrance greets The Shopper.

The latter checks a watch: “But it’s only 7:00.”

The werewolf’s snarling face stares blankly at The Shopper, who continues on to the candy aisle haunted by products not really needed for another two months: “Ooh, sea salt caramels, yoink!”  Into the cart they go.

The ceiling speakers burst into spooky music at random intervals to announce discounts for the fall; as The Shopper enters one aisle covered in school supplies, the banners strung all over the place and the speakers both scream: “Back to School Sale!”

“Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!”

“You’re telling me,” a child says to The Shopper while being forcefully guided into the aisle by their parent.

Shopping completed, The Shopper transforms once more into The Commuter as the journey home begins.  The sky darkens as night approaches; the temperature is now 88°F; and the sweat resumes its previous activity as the wait for a new bus commences.

The Commuter looks forward to one last day at the beach, filled with sand, surf, and people just everywhere, and a book to read in front of the crashing waves after making the inconvenient trip all the way out there.  While boarding the steaming bus whose air conditioning had surrendered in defeat, The Commuter sees a ginormous sign stretched over the street ahead:

COME SEE OUR THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE NOVEMBER 25!!!