Story 595: Could You Water the Plants While I’m Away?

            (At a department store, Friend 1 is working at the customer service desk)

Customer: What do you mean, you don’t have it?!

Friend 1: Here.  (Swings a computer monitor around to face Customer and points at a line item on a list) See this?  Zero.  As in, zero in store, zero in the warehouses, and I’m pretty certain zero currently exist on this mortal plane.  Can’t reach into the nearest alternate universe and pull out a copy into this one, either.

Customer: Why, you, you’re – so rude!

Friend 1: (Swings the monitor back around) Well, truth hurts.

Customer: Yeah, but you don’t have to be so sarcastic about it!  (Walks away)

Friend 1: (To the monitor) That wasn’t sarcasm, it was impertinence.  (Cell phone in a pants pocket rings; Friend 1 looks around, does not see anyone nearby, and answers the phone after checking the caller ID) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Seated in a terminal gate waiting area in an airport) Oh hey, sorry, are you at work right now?

Friend 1: Yeah but I think I just got myself fired, so how can I help you?

Friend 2: Ohhhh-kaaaay – well, I’m at the airport and we’ll be boarding soon, and I realized I forgot to also ask when you come to the house could you water the plants while I’m away?

Friend 1: (Slow blinks) You lost me at “I’m at the airport”.

Friend 2: Are you kidding me?!  I’m going to the work conference I told you about months ago, and you promised you would check up on the house and pick up the mail while I was gone; you even said it was “NBD”, which should’ve tipped me off immediately that you had no idea what you were agreeing to!

Friend 1: …That was this year?

Friend 2: (Pauses to listen to an announcement) They’re calling my group: I’ll be back Friday night, so just bring in the mail and water the plants unless it rains, please, and maybe I’ll remember to bring back a souvenir for you.

Friend 1: When you say “Water the plants”, about how many and for how long?

Friend 2: (Standing and grabbing a small suitcase to join the line at the gate) All the ones you see, and until they’re wet, bye!  (Ends the call and brings up a boarding pass on the phone, muttering) I’ll be lucky if I have a house left by the time I get back.

Harried Passenger: (Standing in front of Friend 2, turns around) You’re not kidding – leaving the kids in charge is always a recipe for disaster, but you gotta give `em some responsibility or else they’ll never grow up, am-I-right?

Friend 2: …Yeah.

Friend 1: (Brow furrowed in confusion, pockets the cell phone as Manager approaches the desk with Customer) I don’t remember ever seeing plants there…. 

NEXT MORNING 

(Friend 1 arrives at Friend 2’s house, takes the previous day’s mail out of the box, unlocks the front door, and drops the mail onto the kitchen counter)

Friend 1: All right, one part down.  (Walks around several rooms, searching) Just what I thought: no plants here.  (Goes out the back door and freezes) Oh.  (The backyard is a ginormous garden, set up as a maze and filled with rows and trellises of fruits, vegetables, flowers, and legumes, surrounded by hanging baskets of more flowers and bookended with fruit bushes) What am I supposed to do with this?!  These aren’t “plants”, they’re the Hanging Gardens of Babylon!  (Spots an extremely long hose attached to a faucet on the side of the house) OK, guess this is it.  (Turns on the water, drags the length of hose to the garden entrance, and begins dousing the plants) Apologies in advance if I miss anyone, but until your mama comes back, take what you can get.  (Struggles up and down the leafy aisles, getting scratches and contact hives from all the flora reaching out for the moving stream; the water also disturbs several insects that were perched on flowers)

Butterfly: (Shaking legs in anger at Friend 1) Hey!  I’m pollinatin’ here!

Friend 1: (Aims the hose in Butterfly’s general direction) Buzz off!

Butterfly: I don’t buzz, I flutter by!  (Flutters by Friend 1 and administers a gentle slap of the wings on the latter’s wrist) Take that!

Friend 1: Was that a breeze?

Butterfly: Hmpf!  (Flutters to a neighboring backyard to wreak pollination havoc there)

(Friend 1 wipes sweat off forehead while getting drenched everywhere else in yanking the hose around corners and holding it up to cover the taller plants, then lower to drench the dirt, grousing incomprehensibly all the while.  After emerging from the maze that is now a dripping rainforest and watering the hanging baskets and nearby bushes, stands at the maze’s entrance again to address the gathering) Well?!  Are you all satisfied?!

Strawberry Bush: (In a corner by the side of the house) Ahem.  (Waves a few runners at Friend 1)

Friend 1: Oh for crying out – (Shoots a jet of water in the strawberries’ faces)

Strawberry Bush: Aiii!!!!

Friend 1: (Lowers the hose) Sorry.  (To the entire backyard) Is that it?!

Garden: [Grumbles in agreement]

Friend 1: Good!  (Turns off the hose and tosses it away) I’ll be back at the same time tomorrow!

Garden: [Groans in despair] 

SATURDAY MORNING 

(Seated at a kitchen table in an apartment, Friend 1 is job searching on a laptop when Friend 2 calls)

Friend 1: (Answering) So, you’ve returned at last, have you?

Friend 2: (Standing in the middle of the garden maze, which is still dripping) What did you do to my plants?!

Friend 1: Exactly as you instructed: I watered them.

Friend 2: Almost drowned them, more like!  I said only do enough to get them wet!

Friend 1: And they are wet, aren’t they?  I fail to see the issue here.

Friend 2: If you water them too much, you rot out the roots!

Friend 1: Oh.  Well, they looked like they needed it, what can I tell you.

Friend 2: You can tell me that you know we’re still under a water restriction from last year, right?!  I’m only supposed to water these once every few days!

Friend 1: A fact you neglected to mention in your haste to add a chore to my list.  And we’re under a water restriction?

Friend 2: Unbeliev – you live under a rock, you know that?!

Friend 1: I sometimes wish I did.

Friend 2: And by the way, you also can tell me that you were too aggressive with the hose and took your irritation out on my poor babies!

Friend 1: (Flares up) Who snitched?!  The marigolds?!  The tomatoes?!  The potatoes?!  Every last one of them were giving me dirty looks the entire time I was there, the ingrates!

Friend 2: (Rubs eyes in weariness) Listen, I appreciate you doing this for me, and I think they’ll all make through the hyperhydration; I’m just exhausted from the conference and the travel and nearly not-landing on the runway coming back, and seeing my garden nearly washed away on top of all that was the last straw.

Friend 1: I get it; I’m sorry.  I’ll water slightly less next time.

Friend 2: Next time I’ll ask my neighbor to do it.

Friend 1: Even better.

Story 588: Better Not Forget About Mother’s Day

 SATURDAY, MAY 3

            (In a townhouse, Sibling 2 is folding laundry on the living room couch while listening to the radio with the volume turned up to the max)

Sibling 2: (Singing along, also to the max) <AND IIIIIIIIIIIII/ DON’T KNOOOOOOOWWWWW THE WOOOOOOORDS/ OOOOOOOOOOH, I – > (Is interrupted by knocking on the front door and turns briefly to the open windows) Oops.  (Turns off the radio and checks the door’s peephole) Oh good.  (Unlocks and opens the door) Hey there – thought you were one of my neighbors telling me to shut up.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, get that a lot?

Sibling 2: Very funny; come on in.

(Sibling 1 enters but stays in the entranceway as Sibling 2 closes the door)

Sibling1: Thanks.  Sorry to drop in like this –

Sibling 2: Not at all; want something to drink?

Sibling 1: No thanks, I’ll make this quick.  (Shoves hands into pants pockets and starts rocking back and forth in muted excitement) Soooo, I know this is last-minute, but I just saw a billboard on the highway this morning saying that ----- is having a surprise concert in town, as in actually here, next Sunday!  Out of nowhere!

Sibling 2: Really, here?  Why?

Sibling 1: Who knows?!  So, if I somehow can get tickets, you wanna go?

Sibling 2: To a concert next Sunday.

Sibling 1: (Nods and starts lightly bouncing in glee) Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Sibling 2: Next Sunday, as in the second Sunday of May.

Sibling 1: (Nods some more) Yep, all day!

Sibling 2: (Crosses arms) Yeah, do you know what happens on the second Sunday of May in most countries in the world?  Including this one?

Sibling 1: (Stops bouncing and twitches jaw in thought) The… Sun also rises?

Sibling 2: (Suddenly uncrosses arms) It’s Mother’s Day, you dope!

Sibling 1: (Gasps and briefly brings hands to face) Ohhhhh nooooo!  That’s this year?!

Sibling 2: It’s every year!

Sibling 1: Oh right.

Sibling 2: And lemme guess: you forgot to make a reservation for brunch like you said you would after Mother’s Day last year.

Sibling 1: That was last year?!  I thought that was two years ago and you were supposed to make the reservation this year!

Sibling 2: (Looking confused) No… no, I did it last year…?  (Looks off into the distance of memory)

Sibling 1: (Looks off into the same distance) Or were Mom and Dad on that cruise last year and it was actually three… no, four…?

Sibling 2: Five…?

(They suddenly look at each other in horror)

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH – !

FIVE MINUTES LATER

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 are sitting on the living room couch next to piles of folded laundry, each holding a glass of water and staring at nothing)

Sibling 2: Well, now that that existential crisis has been put on hold for the moment: what are we going to do about Mother’s Day?

Sibling 1: I guess I can try making a reservation… somewhere, but I think everywhere around here’s been booked for that day since last Thanksgiving.

Sibling 2: Maybe we can try, I dunno, making something instead?

Sibling 1: What, you mean, cooking something?

Sibling 2: Yeah.

Sibling 1: You?!

Sibling 2: Hey!

Sibling 1: Sorry, I mean: Me?!

Sibling 2: Eh, you’re right: we’re both hopeless in that department.  You’re every food delivery service’s best customer, and my gourmet limit is pasta, and maybe brownies if I’m paying attention.

Sibling 1: I always like your brownies.

Sibling 2: Thanks.

Sibling 1: At least you have some variety – best I can do is whip up a sandwich.  (Turns to Sibling 2) Hey, you think she’d like one of those?

Sibling 2: (Stares back in mild disbelief) I think we can do a tad better than that.

Sibling 1: Maybe, but you know Mom, she’ll be happy with whatever we get her, right?  And actually mean it, `cause it’s about the company and not the gift, right?!  Right??!!

Sibling 2: I know, but deep down, she’d be ever so slightly disappointed, not in the gift itself but in its representation of how we turned out in life, and she’d wonder “Where did I go wrong?”

Sibling 1: I often wonder that myself.

Sibling 2: (Stands decisively) OK, I’ve got it: pasta for dinner, brownies for dessert with bakery cookies as back-up in case I burn them, and you – (Points to Sibling 1) get some nice flowers that she can plant in the backyard garden.  Sound good?

Sibling 1: (Also stands) Sounds great!  Cheers!  (They tap glasses and start drinking, then stop with disgusted looks on their faces)

Sibling 2: (Spits water back into the glass) Yeah, I forgot they’re flushing the lines around here again.

Sibling 1: (Also spits the water back into the glass and hands that over to Sibling 2) Still tastes better than when they do it by me.

SUNDAY, MAY 11 – MOTHER’S DAY

(At Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s parents’ house, all four are seated around the dining room table)

Mom: (Finishing pasta with a bright smile) Well, I have to say, this is probably the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever had.

Sibling 1: Aw, Ma, you say that every year!

Mom: And I mean it every year!

Dad: Heh-heh, except for that one year we all got food poisoning `cause I’d picked up bad lettuce for the salad; remember that one?

Mom: (Eyes blazing) WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT YEAR!  (Dad freezes; Mom resets and smiles again) Now, I know we just finished dinner, but I’m really looking forward to what you brought for dessert!

Sibling 2: Thanks!  We can have that after we all clean up in here, if you want to plant those flowers out back now.

Mom: Oh no, honey, they need to stay in the vase.  (Points to a vase of flowers in the center of the table)

Sibling 2: (Through clenched teeth at Sibling 1) But they were supposed to be ones that could be planted outside.

Sibling 1: (Slurping up spaghetti remnants) Huh?

Mom: Well, these actually are indoor plants, and they go very nicely with the dining room color scheme.

Sibling 2: (Still at Sibling 1) Again, you had one job to do!  Can’t you tell the difference between outdoor plants and indoor ones?!

Sibling 1: Can you?!

Sibling 2: That’s not the point!

Sibling 1: Hey, you’re lucky I was even able to get these – I went to about 10 places before I found one that actually sold flowers!

Sibling 2: They’re in every supermarket around here, and you couldn’t go five feet this week without falling over a pop-up garden stand!  How have you survived in life this long?!

Sibling 1: Judgey hypocrite!

Sibling 2: Helpless twit!

(They partially stand to lunge across the table and start shoving each other by the shoulders, yelling incomprehensibly)

Dad: (Buttering up a roll and addressing Mom under Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s arms as the battle rages) You know, it’s always nice when we get together as a family, isn’t it?

Mom: (Sipping wine as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 drag each other to the living room to wrestle on the floor) Yes, but sometimes I wonder: where did I go wrong?

Story 450: Enemies to Besties: A Houseplant Story

(The sun rises, shining into a living room window where a cactus plant sits on the ledge)

Cactus: <Sigh.  You’d think the Human would’ve figured out by now that I get more hours of sunlight if I were on the west-facing side of this place, but no.  Times like this almost make me wish I were fauna rather than flora so I could carry myself on outta here.>

Bird: (Singing while hopping along a tree branch right outside the window) <Good-morning-Looking-for-a-date-Good-morning-Looking-for-a-date-Good-morning-Looking-> (Flies away)

Cactus: <Inanity.>

(Human enters carrying a watering can)

Human: (Trills) Goooood moooorniiiiiing!!!

Cactus: <Oh no, just what I don’t need.>

Human: (Waters Cactus) I hope you’re having a lovely day!

Cactus: (Sputtering through leaves) <Only if you don’t drown me!  Did you even look at the instructions for my care that your own people stuck in my dirt?!  I AM A DESERT PLANT!>

Human: (Still watering) Drink up, yum-yum-yum!

Cactus: <Blergh.  Just for that, I’m taking extra air from you.> (Opens up stomata to the max)

Human: (Finishes watering) Now don’t go anywhere – I’ll be right back with a surprise!  (Leaves the room)

Cactus: <Wonderful.  Maybe I can spontaneously evolve legs in the next 10 seconds if I just concentrate really hard.>

(Several hours later, Human re-enters carrying a potted ficus plant)

Human: Look who I found to keep you company!  (Plants the plant right next to Cactus) Ta-da!

Ficus: (To Cactus) <Hi there!>

Cactus: <Oh, Sun.>

Human: (Now watering Ficus with the refilled watering can) Drink up, drink up, drink up, my darling!

Ficus: (Gulping) <Oh yes – that hits the spot – thank you, Mother!>

Cactus: <Don’t kid yourself, kid; you’re a prisoner here as much as I am.>

Ficus: <Huh?>

Human: (To Cactus, while briefly touching a leaf) Now don’t think I love you any less just because I brought in someone new to our home!

Cactus: <Perish the thought.  And don’t touch me.>

Human: I’ll leave you two to get acquainted – byeeeeeee!  (Waves and leaves the room again)

Ficus: <So, I’ll start: I was born in a greenhouse and spent ages and ages there while my brethren all around me were taken to their forever homes, but today Mother – >

Cactus: <Don’t call it that.>

Ficus: <Uhhhhh, this human then, picked me!  Me, out of everyone else there!  To come to this wonderful place!>

Cactus: <Uh-huh.  You do realize we’re meant to be in the actual ground, outdoors, yes?>

Ficus: <Oh.  Well, the humans at the greenhouse often said we had a better chance being taken care of like this than if we were outdoors where we might get wiped out to make way for a mall or a parking lot or something like that.>

Cactus: <Which are scenarios that they themselves are responsible for!>

Ficus: <Oh.  I guess.  They’re not all bad, though.>

Cactus: (Plant-equivalent of a snort)

Ficus: <And anyway, I was brought to this nice new home, and I got to meet you!  Ooh, and we’re facing east so we’ll get to experience a glorious sunrise, every day!  Can life get any better than this?>

Cactus: <Don’t talk to me.>

(That evening, Human locks up the windows and pulls down the blinds)

Human: I hope you two are getting along famously!

Ficus: <Oh yes, Mother!>

Cactus: <Rubbish.>

Human: Have a good night, my lovelies!  (Turns off the light and leaves the room)

Ficus: <Well, this has been an extremely exciting day!  Hope you don’t mind if I shut down for the night?>

Cactus: <Go right ahead.>

Ficus: <Great!  We’re going to have such fun tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and be the best of friends forever and ever!  Nighty-night!>  (Immediate silence)

Cactus: <Help….>

 THE NEXT DAY

(Human enters the room and opens the blinds and windows)

Human: Gooood moooooorniiing!  And how did we enjoy our first night together, roomies?  Did we – oh my goodness, isn’t that utterly precious, you’re actually holding hands!

Cactus: (Stirring awake) <Huh?> (Several Cactus and Ficus leaves are intertwined) <How did this happen?>

Ficus: (Stirring awake) <Oh hey, neat, we must’ve instinctually reached out to each other during the night!>

Cactus: (Shaking leaves) <Isn’t that great – now get off!>

Ficus: <Heh-heh-heh, I think we’re stuck like this now.>

Cactus: <What?!>

Human: (Holds up a cell phone) Smile with your leaves!  (Takes a picture of the plants and starts typing) This is going out to the entire world now – you’ll be digitally famous!  So cute.  (Leaves the room)

Cactus: <Monster.>

Ficus: (Starts swaying both sets of leaves) <This is fun!>

Cactus: <You’re making it worse!>  (Tries shaking off Ficus but only entwines them further)

Ficus: (Stops swaying and settles back) <Aaah, now let’s just enjoy the sunrise and this magnificent day.>

Cactus: <A bit hard to do that at the moment.>

Ficus: (Notices Bird hopping on the tree branch) <Well, good morning, Bird!>

Bird: (Singing) <Good-morning-Can’t-stay-Need-a-date!>  (Flies away)

Ficus: <I love birds – the little ones are so adorable, and helpful little pollinators to boot.>

Cactus: <I guess.  My flowers only show up in winter when those guys aren’t around, and they can’t get in here anyway so it’s a moot point.>

Ficus: <For us maybe, but not for our brethren.>

Cactus: <I guess.>

Ficus: <This is a lovely view, by the way.  Trees, grass, flowers, animals, insects – I was a little nervous I’d be brought to a place with not much foliage nearby, which I would’ve been fine with anyway, but this is very nice.>

Cactus: <Huh.  I never really thought about it that way.  You know, with all this in front of us, and the fresh air and sunlight coming in, I almost feel like we’re out there with them.>

Ficus: <Yes, very nice.>  (Gently shakes Cactus’s leaves)

Cactus: <Don’t push it, kid.>

Ficus: <Gotcha.>

 ONE YEAR LATER

(The house is nearly empty as everything is packed up for a move)

Human: (Enters with a cart) Gooood moooorniiing, lovelies!

Ficus: <Good morning to you, too!>

Cactus: <Oh no kid, this is it!>

Human: Now, I saved you two for last since you’re the most delicate out of everything here, but I think I figured out how to move you without separating you.  (Gently picks up both pots so as not to separate the multiple entwined leaves and sets them on the cart)

Cactus: (To Ficus) <Don’t let go!>

Ficus: <No worries, we’ve got this!>  (As they are wheeled out) <Good-bye, view!>

Cactus: <Oh yeah – bye, view!>

Ficus: <And don’t worry, if anything happens to us on the way, we can always join up again in our new home.>

Cactus: <You promise?>

Ficus: <As much as a plant can promise anything in this life – our fates are a bit out of our control.>

Cactus: <Don’t I know it.>

(They are set in the back seat of a car with multiple cardboard boxes on the seats and floor; Human whistles while driving them away from the house)

Cactus: <I hate change.>

Ficus: <That you do.  But at least we have each other.>

Cactus: <Yeah.  You know, you may not have noticed at the time, but I actually resented you a little when you were first brought in.>

Ficus: <I sensed that a bit, yes.>

Cactus: <Well, now I’m glad you’re here as my life gets upheaved yet again.>

Ficus: (Holds up entwined leaves) <Likewise.  Bestie?>

Cactus: <Bestie.>  (They shake leaves in solidarity)

Human: (Looking at them in the rearview mirror) So cute – you two doing all right back there?

Cactus: <They always feel the need to insert themselves into the narrative, don’t they.> 

Story 391: I Only Want to Buy Some Flowers

 “Happy Mother’s Day!” Friend 1 beamed, handing over a flat of 18 multi-color pansies.

“Oh hon, they’re lovely!” Mom also beamed, admiring the pretty flowers.  “I’ll plant them today!  Thank you so much – I know it’s starting to get past their season, did you have a hard time finding these?”

“Oh, they were no trouble….”

 THE PREVIOUS DAY

 “HELP!”  Friend 1 screeched into the phone.

Friend 2 winced, momentarily holding the phone away: “You sound extremely agitated, so I’m assuming this isn’t too serious.  Help with what?”

“Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and I’m at the store with all the plants and stuff – ”

“A nursery?”

“I guess; that always sounds like a place to shop for babies, though.”

“That’s `cause you’re a weirdo.”

“Anyway, I’m at the transplanted-plant-place and I looked all over the joint five times with a huge cart hitting everything and everyone every time I turn a corner and I can’t find them anywhere!”

“Can’t find what?”

“Oh sorry, thought I said – pansies!”

“Did you ask anyone there for help?”

“They look busy!”

“They want to make money through actual sales, though.”

“It’s too embarrassing to ask now, they’ve seen me pass by 15 times!”

“All right, do you know what pansies look like?”

“Of course I do!”

“….”

“I looked up pictures online before I came here, OK!”

“Another reason to give thanks for technology.”

“Yes-yes, for the clueless people like me!  And I’ve gone around this whole indoor-outdoor set-up 30 times, and I thought I saw them a bunch of times but no, those were petunias, and everywhere I look there’re petunias, and I’m surrounded by petunias, and I don’t need petunias, I need pansies!”

Friend 2 heard a voice in the distance on the other end of the call: “We have some pansies right here, actually.”

“That is one dinky pot that looks like it’s going to fall over and be reabsorbed into the ground at any moment!  I need a flat!  Which I assume means more than one plant!”

“Oh yeah, we usually carry them in sets of 18, but we’re sold out of ones with pansies right now.”

Friend 2 heard a roar begin to grow and interjected: “Listen, if you want to come by I’ll take you to the nursery where I usually get plants, all right?”

“That – !  Sounds wonderful, thank you, bye.”

An hour later, Friend 1’s car arrived at Friend 2’s house; Friend 2 entered the passenger side and saw Friend 1 was covered in dirt and leaves.

“Did you get in a fight there or something?” Friend 2 asked as they drove away.

“I may have gotten a bit turned around in Shrubs and Baby Trees.”

They arrived at another local nursery and parked at the very back of the lot.

“Good, it’s not too crowded right now,” Friend 2 said as they both exited the car.  “And if you just need the one flat then don’t bother with a cart; I’ll carry it while you pay.”

“You don’t know how happy you’ve made me right now.”

As they entered the fringes of the nursery, a busload of horticultural enthusiasts and 40 more cars of panicky last-minute Mother’s Day shoppers arrived and dispersed their contents throughout the property.

Friend 1 tugged on Friend 2’s sleeve: “People!  People!  I’m gettin’ antsy!”

Friend 2 continued scanning the displays: “Calm down, we won’t be here for that long – excuse me?”  An employee with an armful of potting soil bags was stopped.  “Do you have flats of pansies here?”

“Oh yeah, they’re down that way,” the employee head-tilted toward the far end of the outside portion of the nursery as a walkie-talkie burst with static: “Are you coming here with that soil or what?!  I’ve got 500 customers on a line that’s stretched out to the highway, and I’m never gonna get to go on break today, never!”  The employee stress-grinned at Friend 2: “Sorry, I’ve gotta go – ” head-tilted toward the cash register section.

“Understood.”

Friend 1 glared at Friend 2: “While I admire your initiative, a vague direction in a sea of leaves and petals is hardly helpful.”

“It’s better than wandering around out here for the next half-hour with nothing to show for it – come on.”

They followed the winding paths through roses, hydrangeas, and willows, searching for the tell-tale bright colors with faces peeking through the petals.

Spinning around in a circle, Friend 1 wailed “I don’t see them!” before suddenly sitting down on a brick pathway in the middle of the tomato plants.

Friend 2 surveyed the area with narrowed eyes: “Yes, this appears not to be the category of flora we’re looking for.”

“I told you they’re too busy to ask – we got sent the wrong way in a panic!”

Friend 2 grabbed Friend 1’s arm and lifted, walking them back to the main entrance: “So, we’ll just ask someone else for help.”

“NO!” Friend 1 began to run through thorny bushes toward the parking lot.  “I won’t be sucked into this horrible snare of displaced Nature any farther!  I’m going to buy a cake or a bag of coffee or a spatula instead, anything to get me out of this fake forest biome, Mom’ll understand!”

Friend 2 grabbed the back of Friend 1’s shirt and pointed to a display next to the greenhouse they were passing: “The pansy flats are right there.”

Friend 1 blinked down at the flowers: “Well, whaddya know.”

They scooped up the booty and stood on line for 45 minutes.

“You know,” Friend 2 said while shifting the flat again to a more comfortable position, “this experience wouldn’t have been so bad if you hadn’t waited until the day before Mother’s Day to buy the #1 gift for mothers.”

“Could’ve been worse,” Friend 1 said, staring at the register in the far distance.

“How so?”

“Could’ve been day of.”

Eventually, they reached the counter and the cashier rang them up: “That’ll be $89.03, please.”

“For a flat of $1 flowers?!”  Friend 2 nearly dropped said flat.

“No,” the cashier said as Friend 1 shifted to the side, “there’re also all these.”  The cashier gestured to the lawn gnomes, bird houses, and garden spinners piled onto the counter.

It was Friend 2’s turn to glare as Friend 1 said, “Hey, they don’t call them impulse buys for nothing.”

“Then you can certainly impulse buy and impulse carry them to the car!”

They dumped everything into Friend 1’s car and slowly entered the stream of traffic exiting the parking lot.

“This is why I never do errands on weekends!” Friend 1 shouted out the window while leaning on the horn.  “Mom’d better appreciate the sacrifices I make for her!  The ordeals I go through for one lousy plant – !”  Friend 2 took Friend 1’s hand off the horn.

“Remind me to not join you next time you need to buy a plant present.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got it all figured out now,” Friend 1 said through gritted teeth while nearly hitting a cherub statue and several trellises: “EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL!!!”

 THE FOLLOWING DAY

Friend 1’s smile at Mom widened.

“No trouble at all.”