Story 578: Last-Minute Gift Shopping

             (On a Sunday afternoon, Friend 1 stops alongside the living room couch, does a slight leap, and collapses onto it)

 Friend 1: (Closes eyes and full-body stretches) Ahhhhhh…. A day off from work, nothing to do, nowhere to be…. (Slowly re-opens eyes) Am I that boring?

(Cell phone vibrates with a received message; Friend 1 opens the phone and reads)

Message: COME CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY FRIENDS AND FAM!  IT’S NOT A MILESTONE I JUST WANT TO PAR-TAY WOOOOOOOO!!!!  MAIN STREET BANQUET HALL, MARCH 30, SIX PM UNTIL WHENEVER THEY KICK US OUT, BE THERE OR LIVE WITH THE ETERNAL REGRET LOSERS AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  RSVP BY TOMORROW, YOU ALREADY KNOW BY NOW IF YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS SO DON’T WASTE MY TIME!  AND BRING A GUEST!  BRING TWO GUESTS!  BRING ALL THE OK MOM I KNOW THE HALL ONLY HOLDS A SET AMOUNT OF PEOPLE BUT I WANT THIS SHINDIG TO BE ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN’!  SO YOU ALL BETTER SHOW UP WHEEEEE!!!!  YES MOTHER YOU ARE THE ONE PAYING FOR ALL THIS BUT IT’S STILL MY PARTY AND IF I WANT TO INVITE THE WHOLE TOWN THEN BY THUNDER I’LL (Sent by voice-to-text feature)

Friend 1: Huh.  A birthday party.  Haven’t done one of those since… (Thinks back to grade school) a certain amount of time.  Eh, why not?  (Types response) “Thanks 4 the invite will be there w/guest C U then.”

Message: COOL BRING YOUR DANCING SHOES CAUSE I WANT THAT FLOOR ON FIRE!!!!!   PARTY ANIMAL OUT!

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Calls Friend 2) Hey-hey, doing anything on March 30?

Friend 2: (Paused while running on a park trail to take the call) Oh, you got the invite too?

Friend 1: The birthday party extravaganza?  Yeah – I guess the whole town really was invited.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  It’s a Sunday and nothing else is going on so I said I’d come with a guest.  Wanna come with me and I’ll drive us there?

Friend 1: But I already said I’d come with a guest and I was gonna ask you!

Friend 2: All right, so we’re going together then.

Friend 1: But we each said we’d bring a guest so now we gotta find two extra people to come with us!

Friend 2: No we don’t; we just write back saying never mind on the guests, we’re going together.

Friend 1: But that’s so embarrassing!

Friend 2: Seriously?  Hold on.  (Types and sends a message)  There.  All cleared up in less than a minute, you weirdo.

Friend 1: `K.  Thanks.  Sorry.

Friend 2: So, what were you thinking for a gift?

Friend 1: …Gift?

Friend 2: Yes.  It is a birthday party.

Friend 1: A little presumptuous to invite an entire town and then expect us all to fork over a contribution, don’t you think?  A party’s nothing without guests, so our presence should be sufficient presents, heh-heh.

Friend 2: Whatever; you’ve got over a month so I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And if all else fails: gift card.

Friend 1: (Sighs dramatically) Oh, the etiquette burdens we place on ourselves when this is supposed to be a fun time.

Friend 2: I know, the trials you endure – I’m going back to my run, bye.  (Ends the call and continues with the run)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone onto the couch, leans back, and closes eyes again) I refuse to let this ruin my lazy day.  We’ve got over a month?  Plenty of time…. (Dozes off)

MARCH 29

(Friend 2 is enjoying a pancake breakfast at home when the phone rings)

Friend 2: (Answers while reading the newspaper) Hi!  What’s up?

Friend 1: (A constant din of stressed people is in the background) You know when you have a looming deadline that you keep pushing off and pushing off because you have plenty of time, and then, suddenly, you don’t?

Friend 2: (Stops reading) Where are you?

Friend 1: (Surrounded by frantic shoppers in a warehouse store) Lost in the middle of Ultra Value Super Save Mart.  Now I remember why I don’t come here on Saturdays.  Or ever.

Friend 2: Are you telling me that you had all this time and you still haven’t gotten a gift for the party tomorrow?!

Friend 1: …Not in so many words.

Friend 2: Unbelievable!  You had more than a month!

Friend 1: Oh, and I suppose you went out and picked up a gift the day we got the invite, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Traitor.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not responsible for your lack of planning in… everything, but I’m going to be extremely generous and let you come in on it if you want.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I can’t do that; we got separate invites, I’d look like a total freeloader!

Friend 2: I don’t think anyone would notice, or care.

Friend 1: Of course they would, they all would!  I could never show my face in this town again!

Friend 2: Hardly anyone even knows anyone else in this town anymore.

Friend 1: They’d know this!  Oh, the shame of it all, the shame!

Friend 2: (Rubs temple with free hand) I think you’re going to give me a migraine if I keep listening to this – you want me to come over there and help you pick out something?

Friend 1: (Immediately calms down) Yes.

Friend 2: Give me half an hour.  And thanks for ruining my Saturday.  (Ends the call and finishes breakfast disgruntledly)

Friend 1: (Pockets the cell phone and returns to staring morosely at a display of bath towels) Apparently, it’s what I do….

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Friend 2: (Finds Friend 1 staring morosely at a display of bath mats, surrounded by shoppers continuously hustling and bustling) All right.  I’m here.  Any progress?

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2 with glazed eyes) I progressed from never wanting to have kids to never wanting to be around humans ever again.

Friend 2: That’s not news – any ideas for gifts yet?

Friend 1: Possibly: you think I could get away with sticking a bow on a kitchen trash can?

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 for a few moments) …No.

Friend 1: Then no.  (Turns back to the bath mats, barely flinching when an infant starts a new crying chain with the others throughout the entire store)

Friend 2: OK, how about a home spa kit or something?

Friend 1: (Turns back to Friend 2) Is that what you got?

Friend 2: Yeah.

Friend 1: Wouldn’t I be the little copycat, then.

Friend 2: Who cares?!  Get a gift receipt and it can be returned if there are duplicates; your job is done at that point!

Friend 1: If I cared that little about my self-worth, we wouldn’t be in this situation now would we?

Friend 2: You wouldn’t be in this situation, you mean.

Friend 1: Correct.

Friend 2: (Takes a calming breath) All right, instead of the full-out home spa, how about just a foot spa?

Friend 1: Ew.

Friend 2: Hat-gloves-scarf?

Friend 1: Don’t know the size or taste.  And winter’s shockingly almost over.

Friend 2: Carryall bag?

Friend 1: From what I remember, I doubt the guest of honor leaves the house much.

Friend 2: (Shrugs shoulders in exasperation) I don’t know; a first aid kit?!

Friend 1: (Looks up briefly to think on this) Hmmmm….

Friend 2: No, don’t seriously consider that one; you’re driving me nuts, you know that?!

Friend 1: Can’t be helped, unfortunately.

Friend 2: I’m going to say it again, then: gift.  Card.

Friend 1: (Lowers head) At last, I must admit defeat.  Lead on.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They make their way to the front of the store and find gift card displays)

Friend 2: (Gestures to a very large display filled with many companies’ cards) There you go: pick one.

Friend 1: (Reaches out to a card, then pulls back) No, don’t want to limit to one restaurant.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes ice cream cakes.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes clothes.

Friend 2: Arrrggghhhh!!!  (Grabs a generic credit card company gift card and slaps it onto Friend 1’s open hand) Here!  Now go pay for it and get us out of this place.

Friend 1: (Staring at the card, agog) But there’s an activation fee!

Friend 2: (Grabs Friend 1 by the coat collar and drags the latter to the cash register lines) I’ll pay the extra fee just to end this!

MARCH 30

(Friend 2 pulls into a parking spot at the banquet hall with Friend 1 in the passenger seat; loud music and sounds of revelers are heard pouring out the front door)

Friend 2: (As they both unbuckle their seatbelts and get out of the car while holding their gifts) Well, I’m glad your ordeal is over and we can just enjoy ourselves now that the party’s finally here.

Friend 1: Yeah – let’s see if I’ve still got all my dance moves in me.

Friend 2: I’m almost afraid to find out.

(Inside the banquet hall, the whole town is eating, drinking, talking, dancing, and/or hiding in a corner; Friend 1 and Friend 2 find the Guest of Honor standing by the DJ station and zoom over there)

Friend 1 and Friend 2: Hi!  Happy Birthday!  (They simultaneously hold out their gifts)

Guest of Honor: (Turns and sees them) Oh hi!  Thanks so much for coming!  (Hugs them both fiercely as they hold the items out of the way) This is the best birthday ever, oooooooh!  (One last squeeze)

Friend 1: (As all three separate, holds out the gift again) Great-great; here-here.

Guest of Honor: Oh, you’re so sweet!  I feel bad telling everybody this: Mom wanted me to say “No Gifts” when I sent out the invite since she said everyone being here was enough or something like that, and I totally was going to but when I was finally doing the message I completely forgot to include that part, and now everybody’s coming in with gifts so I’m just telling them to please keep them for yourselves, they’re my “Thank You” for being here!  She’s putting up a banner now to let the rest know as they come in, at least.  (Gestures to a woman on a tall ladder attaching a banner overhead that reads “NO GIFTS!!!!!”; the woman glares at Guest of Honor and shakes her head; Guest of Honor waves at her) Love you!  (Back to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Anyway – so sweet of you.  (Briefly looks toward the front entrance) Oh, there’s more of the family – gotta run!  Make sure to have lots of crackers; we ordered way too many.  (Runs off to greet the new arrivals)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 still are staring at the space Guest of Honor had occupied)

Friend 1: (After a few moments) Soooo… never speak of this again?

Friend 2: That would be best.

Story 350: The World Won’t End If….

          (Friend 1 sits at an office desk, surrounded by piles of paper and files holding more paper; Coworker approaches the desk)

            Coworker: Hey – got a minute?

            Friend 1: No!  What is it?!

           Coworker: Higher-ups want this project done ASAP.  (Drops a new pile of paper onto the one empty spot on the desk and leaves)

         Friend 1: (Yelling at Coworker’s retreating back) They need to let me know which ASAP project they want done first!  (Turns back to the piles and starts to sink forward onto the nearest one when the cell phone rings; answers) Hi, I could use a two-second break, what’s up?

            Friend 2: I need to cancel for tonight: my niece’s birthday dinner got moved to today.  Can we meet up later this week?

            Friend 1: (Starts moving piles from one place to another and intermingling them) Yeah – sure – that’s fine – I’m free whenever – just let me know –

            Friend 2: Is work bad today?

          Friend 1: “Bad” and “today” don’t begin to describe it.  Have you ever been slowly buried alive by flat pieces of dead trees?

            Friend 2: I used to be, but I thought we were in the digital age now.

          Friend 1: That’s the great lie.  But it wouldn’t matter anyway: the projects behind them all remain, and I have to complete every last one of them simultaneously two months ago.

            Friend 2: Ouch.  Well, do the best you can.

           Friend 1: Ha!  “Best” took a back seat to “barely passable” years ago; I’m surprised I haven’t been fired by now.

            Friend 2: You probably won’t be – you’re the only one left in your department.

            Friend 1: I suppose.

          Friend 2: Trust me: short of murder, there’s really nothing you could do that would get you fired at this point, if only for the fact that they’d have no idea how to train the next person since the only one who knew how to do anything there was you.  So really, the world won’t end if you don’t finish a project or two or 10 in the time they said they wanted it.

            Friend 1: I don’t understand.

            Friend 2: Well you understand “don’t,” so you do!

            Friend 1: What?

           Friend 2: Just do what you can, and whatever you don’t do now will get done eventually, and the world won’t end if it doesn’t.

            Friend 1: It won’t?

           Friend 2: …Yes.  We’ll all still be here and the Earth will continue rotating around the Sun as it has been for quite some time.  And now I’ve gotta go – bye!  (Disconnects the call)

            Friend 1: (Sets down the phone and stares at the piles) The world won’t end, eh?

THE NEXT DAY

            (Coworker approaches Friend 1’s desk)

            Coworker: Hey – got a minute?

          Friend 1: (Wearing summer casual clothes, sitting on a beach chair, and listening to ocean waves on a stereo) I have all the minutes.  What’s up?

           Coworker: Higher-ups want this project done ASAP.  (Drops a pile of paper onto the empty desk) Hey – you got all that other stuff done?

            Friend 1: Nope.  (Sips lemonade and props sandaled feet onto the desk) They will be attended to, all in good time – as will this latest monstrosity.  (Points to the pile with one sandaled foot)

         Coworker: Oh.  Need any help?  Not that I can give you any – I’m just trying to be superficially nice.

           Friend 1: (Slurps the rest of the drink) Nope again!  I’ll get to it when I get to it: the world won’t end if I don’t finish it in five seconds, or if a deadline’s missed, or the company loses money, or we fail an inspection, or –

            Coworker: Oh wow, you’re really reached that point, huh?  I’m jealous.  (Leaves)

          Friend 1: (Opens a cabinet drawer and dumps the new pile of paper into it, then pulls out a different pile to work on, slowly and steadily) It only took me 20 years to reach it….

THE NEXT DAY

            (Friend 1 sorts through mail at home)

           Friend 1: Ah yes, this bill’s right on time.  (Opens the envelope and winces) Bit higher this month.  Due when?... Hm, usually get a few weeks’ leeway, right?  The world won’t end if I don’t pay it exactly by the due date, right?

THE NEXT DAY

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 are having dinner in a restaurant)

           Friend 2: So they understood why I didn’t have my gift for her that night since they’re the ones who moved the party, but I still felt bad showing up empty-handed, you know?

            Friend 1: (Sampling from three plates of entrees and five different drinks) Why?  World didn’t end, right?

            Friend 2: (Stares at the array of plates and glasses on the table) I think you took my advice the other day a little too much to heart.

         Friend 1: (Mouth full of French fries) Au contraire!  I didn’t take them to heart enough!  (Shouts over shoulder) Garçon!  Bring on the dessert tray!

            Server: (Speedily wheels over a sampler platter) You actually get two free ones –

            Friend 1: Splendid!  I’ll take them all!  (Server speedily wheels away) To go!  (To Friend 2) I have some self-control.

            Friend 2: Yes, I can see that.

THE NEXT DAY

            (Friend 1 walks along the beach and steps on a broken shell)

           Friend 1: Ouchie!  (Picks shell out of foot) Son of a – (Stops) No: this is not a disaster, the world won’t end if I just keep on walking and pretend this never happened.  (Tosses the shell into the waves and slightly limps onward)

           Beachgoer: (Runs to Friend 1 and holds out a sealed antiseptic wipe) Here – I’m a dad, and you don’t want to let that sit for too long, trust me.

          Friend 1: I appreciate the gesture, but the world won’t end if I let Nature cleanse my momentary interruption.

            Beachgoer: I guess, but you might be in it with one less foot.

            Friend 1: …Point taken.  (Accepts the wipe)

THE NEXT DAY

          Friend 1: (Working through a pile of paper while on the office phone) I hear your concern, but the world won’t end if this doesn’t get done by today, am-I-right?... Yes, that certainly does put everything into perspective, doesn’t it, bye-bye.  (Hangs up and addresses the paper) Now, where were we, my lovelies?  (Presses “Play” on the stereo so the ocean waves resume) Aaaaaaahhhhhhh: my favorite part.  (Alerts start going off on the office computers and on everyone’s cell phones; employees start freaking out and running off; Friend 1 hums while filing the current pile and preparing to start on the next one when the cell phone rings; answers) Allo-allo-allo?

            Friend 2: Did you hear what’s going on?!

            Friend 1: No, but you sound a bit agitated about it.

           Friend 2: That’s the understatement of the eon!  So that asteroid that’s been coming this way and everyone thought would pass us by, got affected by all the other planets’ gravity when it entered our solar system and now it’s headed straight for us!  By this time tomorrow, we’ll be toast!

          Friend 1: I doubt it – can’t some nukes just vaporize it or turn it into a black hole or something?

            Friend 2: IT’S BIGGER THAN THE EARTH!!!!

            Friend 1: Oh.  Well, the world won’t end if – oh.

            Friend 2: I’m calling the rest of my family now – good-bye forever!  (Disconnects the call)

           Friend 1: (Sets down the phone and stares at the pile of paper, then at the now-empty office) That advice certainly came at the perfect time in my life.  Decades later than I’d’ve liked, but better late than never, right?

            Right?