(At a department store, Friend 1 is working at the customer service desk)
Customer: What do you mean, you don’t have it?!
Friend 1: Here. (Swings a computer monitor around to face Customer and points at a line item on a list) See this? Zero. As in, zero in store, zero in the warehouses, and I’m pretty certain zero currently exist on this mortal plane. Can’t reach into the nearest alternate universe and pull out a copy into this one, either.
Customer: Why, you, you’re – so rude!
Friend 1: (Swings the monitor back around) Well, truth hurts.
Customer: Yeah, but you don’t have to be so sarcastic about it! (Walks away)
Friend 1: (To the monitor) That wasn’t sarcasm, it was impertinence. (Cell phone in a pants pocket rings; Friend 1 looks around, does not see anyone nearby, and answers the phone after checking the caller ID) Hey, what’s up?
Friend 2: (Seated in a terminal gate waiting area in an airport) Oh hey, sorry, are you at work right now?
Friend 1: Yeah but I think I just got myself fired, so how can I help you?
Friend 2: Ohhhh-kaaaay – well, I’m at the airport and we’ll be boarding soon, and I realized I forgot to also ask when you come to the house could you water the plants while I’m away?
Friend 1: (Slow blinks) You lost me at “I’m at the airport”.
Friend 2: Are you kidding me?! I’m going to the work conference I told you about months ago, and you promised you would check up on the house and pick up the mail while I was gone; you even said it was “NBD”, which should’ve tipped me off immediately that you had no idea what you were agreeing to!
Friend 1: …That was this year?
Friend 2: (Pauses to listen to an announcement) They’re calling my group: I’ll be back Friday night, so just bring in the mail and water the plants unless it rains, please, and maybe I’ll remember to bring back a souvenir for you.
Friend 1: When you say “Water the plants”, about how many and for how long?
Friend 2: (Standing and grabbing a small suitcase to join the line at the gate) All the ones you see, and until they’re wet, bye! (Ends the call and brings up a boarding pass on the phone, muttering) I’ll be lucky if I have a house left by the time I get back.
Harried Passenger: (Standing in front of Friend 2, turns around) You’re not kidding – leaving the kids in charge is always a recipe for disaster, but you gotta give `em some responsibility or else they’ll never grow up, am-I-right?
Friend 2: …Yeah.
Friend 1: (Brow furrowed in confusion, pockets the cell phone as Manager approaches the desk with Customer) I don’t remember ever seeing plants there….
NEXT MORNING
(Friend 1 arrives at Friend 2’s house, takes the previous day’s mail out of the box, unlocks the front door, and drops the mail onto the kitchen counter)
Friend 1: All right, one part down. (Walks around several rooms, searching) Just what I thought: no plants here. (Goes out the back door and freezes) Oh. (The backyard is a ginormous garden, set up as a maze and filled with rows and trellises of fruits, vegetables, flowers, and legumes, surrounded by hanging baskets of more flowers and bookended with fruit bushes) What am I supposed to do with this?! These aren’t “plants”, they’re the Hanging Gardens of Babylon! (Spots an extremely long hose attached to a faucet on the side of the house) OK, guess this is it. (Turns on the water, drags the length of hose to the garden entrance, and begins dousing the plants) Apologies in advance if I miss anyone, but until your mama comes back, take what you can get. (Struggles up and down the leafy aisles, getting scratches and contact hives from all the flora reaching out for the moving stream; the water also disturbs several insects that were perched on flowers)
Butterfly: (Shaking legs in anger at Friend 1) Hey! I’m pollinatin’ here!
Friend 1: (Aims the hose in Butterfly’s general direction) Buzz off!
Butterfly: I don’t buzz, I flutter by! (Flutters by Friend 1 and administers a gentle slap of the wings on the latter’s wrist) Take that!
Friend 1: Was that a breeze?
Butterfly: Hmpf! (Flutters to a neighboring backyard to wreak pollination havoc there)
(Friend 1 wipes sweat off forehead while getting drenched everywhere else in yanking the hose around corners and holding it up to cover the taller plants, then lower to drench the dirt, grousing incomprehensibly all the while. After emerging from the maze that is now a dripping rainforest and watering the hanging baskets and nearby bushes, stands at the maze’s entrance again to address the gathering) Well?! Are you all satisfied?!
Strawberry Bush: (In a corner by the side of the house) Ahem. (Waves a few runners at Friend 1)
Friend 1: Oh for crying out – (Shoots a jet of water in the strawberries’ faces)
Strawberry Bush: Aiii!!!!
Friend 1: (Lowers the hose) Sorry. (To the entire backyard) Is that it?!
Garden: [Grumbles in agreement]
Friend 1: Good! (Turns off the hose and tosses it away) I’ll be back at the same time tomorrow!
Garden: [Groans in despair]
SATURDAY MORNING
(Seated at a kitchen table in an apartment, Friend 1 is job searching on a laptop when Friend 2 calls)
Friend 1: (Answering) So, you’ve returned at last, have you?
Friend 2: (Standing in the middle of the garden maze, which is still dripping) What did you do to my plants?!
Friend 1: Exactly as you instructed: I watered them.
Friend 2: Almost drowned them, more like! I said only do enough to get them wet!
Friend 1: And they are wet, aren’t they? I fail to see the issue here.
Friend 2: If you water them too much, you rot out the roots!
Friend 1: Oh. Well, they looked like they needed it, what can I tell you.
Friend 2: You can tell me that you know we’re still under a water restriction from last year, right?! I’m only supposed to water these once every few days!
Friend 1: A fact you neglected to mention in your haste to add a chore to my list. And we’re under a water restriction?
Friend 2: Unbeliev – you live under a rock, you know that?!
Friend 1: I sometimes wish I did.
Friend 2: And by the way, you also can tell me that you were too aggressive with the hose and took your irritation out on my poor babies!
Friend 1: (Flares up) Who snitched?! The marigolds?! The tomatoes?! The potatoes?! Every last one of them were giving me dirty looks the entire time I was there, the ingrates!
Friend 2: (Rubs eyes in weariness) Listen, I appreciate you doing this for me, and I think they’ll all make through the hyperhydration; I’m just exhausted from the conference and the travel and nearly not-landing on the runway coming back, and seeing my garden nearly washed away on top of all that was the last straw.
Friend 1: I get it; I’m sorry. I’ll water slightly less next time.
Friend 2: Next time I’ll ask my neighbor to do it.
Friend 1: Even better.