Showing posts with label irony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label irony. Show all posts

Thursday, July 10, 2025

Story 596: 4th of July Perspectives

            “I’m so thrown off with 4th of July being a Friday this year – I keep thinking today’s Saturday!  And most people get a three-day weekend at work, but apparently my job is so important they’re making us work today, holiday or not!  I never get any fun on weekday holidays; my life stinks!”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that General Washington and the Continental Army spent Christmas Day 1776 marching in freezing weather and then Christmas Night crossing the Delaware River to then fight a battle at Trenton?  Most of the U.S. soldiers barely had any shoes, or clothing warm enough, and two of them froze to death.”

“….”

“….”

“You know, I always say working on a holiday has its perks: the pay’s great and it’s usually quiet, so I really don’t mind it at all, ever!”

“Mm-hm.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *     

“Ugh, Internet’s out again!  How’m I supposed to get anything done if it keeps going out – ooh, it’s back! – nope, it’s out again – what a tease!  I think it’s trying to give me a heart attack: this is just the worst, the absolute worst, right when I’m trying to message the group to meet up for fireworks, tonight of all nights, arrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that messages travelled so slowly in the 1700s that sometimes it was months before England received an update on how the American Revolutionary War was going?  And sometimes messages sent from one part of the Continental Army to another got there too late, or never at all?”

“…Months, eh?  That’s rough.”

“Yes it was.”

“…Suppose I could just use my phone and call everyone.”

“Mm-hm.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *   

“4th of July, woo-hoo!  Independence from tyranny!  Resistance against oppression!  Freedom from imperial bondage!”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that quite a few members of the Continental Army in the American Revolutionary War, including its leader, enslaved their fellow human beings and failed to appreciate the irony of the situation?”

“Huh?”

“A number of soldiers themselves actually were enslaved, and certainly didn’t receive any independence or freedom when the war was over.”

“Umm….”

“There was no complete official freedom from slavery in the U.S. until June 19, 1865, almost 90 years after the Declaration of Independence proclaimed that ‘all men’ have the right to ‘life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.’”

“…Oh.  Guess ‘all men are created equal’ really left out a lot of people, huh?”

“Mm-hm.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *       

“I love 4th of July fireworks, don’t you?”

“Mm-hm.”

“Makes you almost feel like you’re in the middle of a Revolutionary War battle, doesn’t it?”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that the cannons, muskets, and bayonets used in the American Revolutionary War actually – ”

“Stop, OK?  Just stop: I take back what I said, just let me enjoy the pretty shapes and colors and things that go ‘boom.’”

“…Oh, all right.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *   

“Ugh, 4th of July being over a three-day weekend is such a drag!  I have parties every day, and fireworks every night, I’m gonna be exhausted by the time I get back to work on Monday, I’ll need a vacation from having time off!”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that the soldiers in the American Revolutionary War often had to sleep with their muskets and march day and night ready to fight when they arrived, hoping they’d win, hoping they’d eventually get paid, hoping they’d be able to go home one day, and hoping their families and farms or business would still be there when they got back?”

“…You know, I love how people get so much in the spirit of the holiday and are so generous to invite me to all their parties!  Makes me appreciate the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness that so many people sacrificed so much for future generations to benefit from, don’t you agree?”

“Mm-hm.”

Thursday, April 17, 2025

Story 585: We Are Not Cancelling on Account of Rain

             (At a Little League baseball game, torrents of rain fall on the players, coaches, and umpire on the field, and the family members on the bleachers; players also slip and slide every time they run, throw, swing, hit, and miss)

Coach: (Sloshing over to Umpire standing behind the sinking catcher) Listen, I think we should call the game.

Umpire: (Chewing gum while never taking eyes off the field) What for?

Coach: …The monsoon we’re in the middle of!

Umpire: (Shrugs) Eh, I’ve seen monsoons; this is nothing.  (To one of the players in the outfield) Number 7: stop fooling around and maintain your position!

Player #7: (Unsteadily getting up from the ground) I’m trying!  (Slips and falls again)

Coach: You see!  We’re gonna start getting sprained ankles and knees and who-knows-what-else any second now, I just know it!

Umpire: (Shrugs) Eh, these kids are all wimps – a mini- ordeal like this is just the thing to toughen `em up.  (A player slides to first base and knocks over the player stationed there, another coach, and a hovering parent like bowling pins) Safe!  That’s what I’m talkin’ about!  (Claps hands twice in approval)

Coach: (Slip-running to first base while yelling at the rest of the field) That’s it!  We’re done!  Everybody pack up and go home!

(Everyone slip-runs to pack up their gear and swim to the cars in the parking lot)

Umpire: (To Coach) Hey!  You don’t have the authority to make that decision!

Coach (Yelling back from the driver’s seat of a departing car) It’s a unanimous decision!  (Hauls away through a newly formed river that has taken over the exit)

Umpire: (Still standing in position in the now-empty field) Weaklings, the whole lot of them.  If they can’t handle a little precipitation during a meaningless event, what’re they gonna do when a real challenge faces them, huh?  (Is drenched by a sudden deluge sloughing off a nearby overhang) Hm….

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

(On Easter Sunday, a family of four dressed in their best emerges from their house and into the pouring rain)

Parent 1: (Shielding a camera while running to the front lawn) OK, everybody go stand in front of the tree!  (Parent 2, Child 1, and Child 2 slosh through the muddy lawn and stand in front of a tree) Now, smile!  (Parent 1 holds up the camera as the other three grimace)  I said “Smile”!

Parent 2: (Shouting though the downpour) Maybe we should do this inside!

Parent 1: No way; our Easter photos are always outside to show off the wonders of spring and the rebirth of Nature!

Parent 2: You can’t see any of that right now!  The animals are all hiding in their nests, and my flowers have all drowned!

Parent 1: Hey, outdoors is outdoors!  Now quit yapping and show me those pearly whites!  (The other family members grimace wider as Parent 1 takes the picture) Well, I suppose that’ll have to do.  Now, off to Church to celebrate the day, dangit!

Parent 2: (To Child 1 and Child 2) Kids, go inside and change into your playclothes and raingear.

Child 1 and Child 2: Yay!  (They splash back into the house)

Parent 2: (To Parent 1) I, too, will be changing into waterproof and casual clothing.

Parent 1: (Wringing out sleeves) But – but – spring!  Easter!  Rebirth!  April showers to bring out May flowers!

Parent 2: I DON’T CARE!

Parent 1: Well that certainly isn’t in the spirit of the season.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

(On a street, two townsfolk sit on a curb, wearing raincoats and getting drenched)

Townsfolk 1: You know what bums me out?

Townsfolk 2: What?

Townsfolk 1: That here we are, stuck in a perpetual shower for the past month, inundated with more water than we could ever use, rivers rising, and towns flooding, and only a few thousand miles away, fires are destroying everything everywhere and could be stopped by this very never-ending rain that seems to like it here and we didn’t really need that much of.

Townsfolk 2: I think that’s what’s called “irony”.

Townsfolk 1: Or just “unfair”.

Townsfolk 2: (Looks down the street) Whelp, here they come.

(Both stand and step back onto the sidewalk to join the rest of the crowd as a parade, including a marching band and motorized floats, blusters around the corner and on the street past them; the participants attempt to march and play against the steady downpour of water and wind up splashing all the spectators)

Townsfolk 1: (Sputtering out water after a float drives by) You think anything’ll grow after the rain finally stops?

Townsfolk 2: (Gives up trying to brush off the new water and allows it to mingle with the old water) “Grow”?

Townsfolk 1: You know: flowers, plants, trees, crops – you think any of it’ll grow after all this?

Townsfolk 2: I think the mold will.