Story 594: Better Not Forget About Father’s Day

(In a townhouse, Sibling 2 is stretched out on the living couch checking e-mails on a cell phone, then suddenly stops and stares into space, brow furrowed)

Sibling 2: Hmmmm…. (Gnaws lip for a few moments, then selects a contact on the phone and places a call)

Sibling 1: (Jolts awake in an apartment bedroom, flails around for a cell phone on the bedside lamp table, and answers with a massive yawn) Yellllllooooohhhh?

Sibling 2: …Did I wake you up?

Sibling 1: Nooooo – (Yawns again and rubs eyes) `course not; I’m wide asleep.  Awake!

Sibling 2: It’s 11:30 in the morning!

Sibling 1: And it’s also Sunday: don’t judge my weekend sleep cycle.

Sibling 2: I’m not; I’m judging your overall laziness.

Sibling 1: (Rolls onto back with an exasperated sigh) Whatever – why are you calling me at this unreasonable hour anyway?

Sibling 2: Oh, well, it’s just… you ever feel like you’ve forgotten something important?

Sibling 1: Every second of the day.  At last: you understand me.

Sibling 2: Something I could’ve lived without.

Sibling 1: Rude.  So, what do you think you forgot?

Sibling 2: Well if I knew that, then I’d’ve remembered it and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Sibling 1: Rude again.  Just trying to help since, after all, you called me!

Sibling 2: Sorry.  Anyway, it started bothering me, and I think it involves you, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is!

Sibling 1: (Stretches with another yawn) I dunno, maybe you owe me money?

Sibling 2: Ha!

Sibling 1: Fair enough.  Maybe I owe you money?

Sibling 2: No, I would’ve gotten it out of you right away.

Sibling 1: True.  All right: what were you doing that triggered the memory of the forget?

Sibling 2: I was checking my e-mail – nothing stood out, but I got a nudgy feeling at the back of my brain all of a sudden and I don’t know why.

Sibling 1: (Eyes closed while starting to doze off again) Well, it was probably something you read; just retrace your virtual steps and I’m sure it’ll all come back to you….

Sibling 2: Huh.  That’s actually a good idea.

Sibling 1: Yes, I do have those every so often….

Sibling 2: OK, I’ll put you on speaker while I bring up my e-mail again.  (Starts pressing buttons on the phone)

Sibling 1: You… bet…. (Starts snoring softly)

Sibling 2 (On speaker, scrolling through e-mails) Right, we’ve got water bill, Internet bill, electricity bill, that one’s already paid but due today, June 15, and OH MY GOSH I COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT TODAY IS FATHER’S DAY!!!

Sibling 1: (Leaps out of bed and is fully dressed in the space of five seconds) OH NO IT IS FATHER’S DAY HOW COULD YOU FORGET???!!!

Sibling 2: (Running in circles in the living room) HOW COULD I FORGET???!!!  HOW COULD YOU FORGET???!!!  WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING???!!!

Sibling 1: (Running through the apartment aimlessly) BECAUSE IT’S THE RULES!  HOW COULD YOU REMEMBER MOTHER’S DAY AND NOT FATHER’S DAY???!!!

Sibling 2:  I DON’T KNOW, WHY IS ONE ON A SECOND SUNDAY AND THE OTHER ON A THIRD SUNDAY???!!!

Sibling 1: I DON’T KNOW, WHY IS THE SKY BLUE???!!!                  

Sibling 2: THAT’S A FALSE EQUIVALENCY!  THAT HAS TO DO WITH PHYSICS; THIS IS A HUMAN-MADE CULTURAL EVENT THAT HAS NO MEANING OUTSIDE OF ITSELF!  WHAT’RE WE GONNA DOOOOOOO???!!!

Sibling 1: I GOT IT!  ASK DAD FOR ADVICE!

Sibling 2: HE’S THE ONE WE’RE INSULTING WITH OUR NEGLECT AS WE SPEAK!

Sibling 1: ALL RIGHT, THEN I’VE GOT NOTHIN’!

Sibling 2: YOU – (Suddenly stops running and abruptly sits back down on the couch) OK, this is what’s going to happen: you go to the supermarket and grab the first “Father’s Day From Both” card you find and the biggest chocolate cake you find; I’ll get generic and sweet shop gift cards; we’ll meet up at the parents’ house at 1:00, throw ourselves onto the mercy of the court, and hope they’re in the middle of barbecuing dinner by the time we get there, got it?

Sibling 1: (Had stopped running when reaching the inside of the hall closet) Got it!

Sibling 2: Great!

Sibling 1: Just one thing.

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: When you say “1:00”, is that a hard “1:00” or is there a two-hour leeway that – (Call is disconnected) Hello?

1:00 P.M. 

(Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s cars screech onto the parents’ driveway after each other; each falls out of their respective driver side doors carrying their respective gifts, run to the front entrance of the house, and crash into the closed door)

Sibling 1: (Tosses the cake and card into Sibling 2’s arms and begins pounding on the door with both fists) Hello-hello-hello-hello-hello- !

Sibling 2: They never lock it when they know we’re coming over – something’s wrong

Sibling 1: (Stops pounding) Oh no, this is the nightmare scenario every caring middle-aged child faces!  And on a major holiday, no less!  How inconvenient!

Sibling 2: What?  Here.  (Tosses the cake and card back to Sibling 1, reaches into a pocket with the hand not holding the gift cards, pulls out a ring of keys, flips through them frantically, and unlocks the front door; both rush into the house)

Sibling 1: (Running back-and-forth between the kitchen and the living room, still carrying the cake and card) MOM??!!  DAD???!!!  ARE YOU ALIVE????!!!!  ANSWER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Sibling 2: (Sighs while slowing down to a stop in the kitchen) I can see now you’ll be absolutely useless in an actual crisis.

Sibling 1: (Also stops and turns to face Sibling 2) Oh good, that means you’d take care of everything, right?

Sibling 2: Apparently.  (Spots a note on the counter) Hold on.  (Both walk over to the counter; Sibling 2 picks up the note and reads aloud) “Hey Kids, we know you’ve both had a lot going on lately so your Mom and I figured rather than bringing up Father’s Day and putting you on the spot, we went to Hawai‘i instead.  We’ll be back on Friday, so since you’re reading this note please tell the next-door neighbor that you’ll now be feeding the cats while we’re gone.  We’ll show you a bunch of photos and videos when we get back!  Love, Your #1 Dad”

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of silence) So does that mean, he’s cool about the whole thing, or he’s not and we’re in deep trouble?

Sibling 2: You’d think we’d be able to tell after knowing someone for literally our entire lives.  Probably best to anticipate the latter and also clean the house while we’re feeding the cats, and hope for the former by the time the folks get back.  (Leans down to scratch the ears of two cats who suddenly appeared, knowing they were being discussed)

Sibling 1: Good thinking.  (Holds up the container) Should we go ahead and eat the cake, then?

Sibling 2: …Be a shame to waste it.

Story 503: Can’t Remember What I Forgot to Remember

(In an apartment kitchen, Resident is on the phone while making a sandwich)

Resident: I know I’m in my 40s in a dead-end job with no actual chance of ever finding real meaning in my life, but if I want to spend my days off exactly the same way I did as a kid – lying around reading comic books and playing video games – then I see no reason to alter the formula for my joy if it’s working, don’t you agree?... Well, that’s your life now isn’t it, so stop telling me how to live mine!  (Freezes on seeing a note on the refrigerator that screams “DON’T FORGET!!!”) Listen, something came up, I gotta go…. Yeah, see you at the board meeting at Corporate tomorrow, bye.  (Ends the call, puts the phone on the counter, and gingerly takes the note off the refrigerator to stare at it) Hmmmm…. Wish my past self had thought to add details….

(Several hours later, Resident answers the phone in the bedroom while sitting on the floor, surrounded by a pile of laundry)

Resident: (Flinging clothes around during the conversation) Oh hey, what’s up?...Little busy right now…. Well, you know when you tie a string around your finger so that you’ll remember something but when you see the string you forgot the reason why you tied it in the first place?... I don’t mean you personally, I – forget it: bottom line is, I left a note to myself to remember something and now I forgot what it was I was supposed to remember so I’m trying to retrace my steps from the day I think I wrote it…. No, I just wrote “DON’T FORGET!!!” on it…. Yes, I know also writing the reason on the same piece of paper would’ve been the smart thing to do – would you like to go back in time and tell me that?!... You’d be snippy too if you can’t remember what you forgot to remember!... That sentence is not redundant, good-bye!  (Ends the call and flings the phone into the laundry pile, then stares at the mass blankly) Great – what was I doing?!

(Several hours later, Resident answers a knock on the door after checking the peephole)

Resident: (Looking extremely disheveled) Yes?  How can I help you?

Neighbor: Hi, I actually wanted to check whether you needed help.

Resident: What for?

Neighbor: Well, I keep hearing loud crashes and things being slammed through my ceiling, so I figured I’d come up here and make sure you were OK.

Resident: No you didn’t: you came up here to tell me to knock it off.

Neighbor: True, but the polite version of that.  (Peers around Resident and sees belongings strewn about everywhere) Did one of those recent tornadoes pop in here?

Resident: No, Nosy, I’m having a memory crisis and I’m trying to figure out why I wrote a note to myself to remember something when I didn’t write down what that was so now I’m going through all my stuff until my brain finally wakes up and retrieves the memory it was supposed to hours ago so I can actually enjoy my day off!

Neighbor: Wow.  That’s rough.

Resident: No kidding!

Neighbor: Was your note maybe next to the thing you’re supposed to remember and maybe that’s why you didn’t write it down?

Resident: I – (Clamps jaw shut and looks off to the side in remembrance, then back at Neighbor) Hold on.  (Walks to the refrigerator, locates the now-blank area where the “DON’T FORGET!!!” note had been attached, and see to the right of it a photo of a sunny summer day with an inspirational quote about enjoying life to the fullest plastered all over it.  Resident stares at that for several moments, then slowly walks back to Neighbor) It appears I had thought it necessary to remind myself to enjoy my day off today.

Neighbor: Oh.  Guess this is one of those times where we’re our own worst enemies, eh?

Resident: To put it mildly.  Now I just wish I could forget this ever happened.