(At a video conference, each attendee’s computer screen is filled with tiles of everyone seated at their remote work stations, all of them at home but each with a background of a generic corporate wall, fake shelves stuffed with fake books, or the beach)
Manager: Hi everyone, sorry for the last-minute meeting today but I just got word from the higher-ups that the project we originally were told was due in six months is now due on Monday. (Five faces stare back blankly) I would say this is an unbelievable shock, but we all know by now that it’s neither and we really should have seen it coming, so that’s on me.
Coworker 1: Don’t blame yourself: we’re all pretty much used to always-moving deadlines; we’re just stubbornly caught off-guard in resentment every time, that’s all.
Manager: Thanks.
Coworker 2: So when they said “Monday”, did they mean this Monday or some hypothetical Monday in a possible future that may or may not happen?
Manager: …This Monday.
Coworker 2: Drat – thought maybe there was a loophole we could wiggle through. I withdraw the question.
Manager: You can’t withdraw it if I already answered it.
Coworker 2: Drat.
Coworker 3: (Raises a hand) Does this mean we have to work overtime for the rest of the week?
Manager: This isn’t school so you don’t have to raise your hand, and yes, that’s one of the things I wanted to bring up today: overtime until everything is finished.
Coworker 4: But that’s still cramming hundreds of hours of work into the remaining dozens of hours left in the next few days – it’s physically impossible!
Manager: That’s another of the things I wanted to bring up today: does anyone here have any experience with manipulating time dilation to our advantage?
(There is a crash from the background of Coworker 5’s screen)
Coworker 5: (Looks off-screen sharply) HEY! WHAT IS THIS?! (Muffled voices are heard) I’M COMING OUT THERE NOW! (Back to the group) So sorry, I have to take care of something real quick, I’m gonna mute the microphone and turn off the camera, be right back, thanks-bye! (Is seen clicking the mouse a few times and then standing up and running away)
Manager: OK, but your camera’s still –
Coworker 5: (Off-screen) ALL RIGHT, WHAT DID I SAY?! WHAT DID I SAY??!!
Manager: I think the speaker got turned off instead of the microphone. Anyway, we’ll keep going: right now, I’d like us all to take a collective breath before doing a deep dive into the numbers pool –
Coworker 5: (Off-screen) HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TWO??!!... GET THAT THING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!
Off-Screen Voice 1: I DIDN’T START IT!
Coworker 5: (Off-screen) WELL WHO DID?!... DON’T POINT AT EACH OTHER!
Off-Screen Voice 2: SHE’S TOUCHING MY HAIR!
Off-Screen Voice 1: HE’S BREATHING ON ME!
Off-Screen Voice 2: I HATE YOU!
Off-Screen Voice 1: I HATE YOU MORE!
Coworker 5: (Off-screen) I HATE YOU BOTH EQUALLY RIGHT NOW!
Off-Screen Voices 1 and 2: [GASP!]
Coworker 5: (Off-screen) GOOD, NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION, YOU BETTER KNOCK IT OFF THIS INSTANT OR THERE’LL BE NO WATERPARK NEXT WEEK!
Off-Screen Voices 1 and 2: [GASP!]
Coworker 5: (Off-screen) THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT – NOT SO FUN NOW, IS IT?!... WELL??!!
Off-Screen Voice 1: …I DIDN’T START IT!
Off-Screen Voice 2: WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE SO ANNOYING?!
Off-Screen Voice 1: AM NOT!
Off-Screen Voice 2: AM TOO!
Off-Screen Voice 1: I’M GONNA BREAK ALL YOUR TOYS!
Off-Screen Voice 2: NOT IF I BREAK ALL YOURS FIRST!
Coworker 5: (Off-screen) THAT’S IT!!! (Sounds of footsteps and then two separate doors being slammed shut) NOT ANOTHER WORD OUT OF EITHER ONE OF YOU! I’LL LET YOU OUT AT DINNER TIME, SO SPEND THE REST OF THIS LOVELY SUMMER AFTERNOON THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU DID! NOW, I’M GOING BACK TO A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING, AND YOU BETTER NOT GIVE ME ANY MORE STRESS TODAY OR ELSE I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT! I’LL! DO!!! (Footsteps as Coworker 5 calmly returns to the desk, takes a slow breath, smoothes back hair, checks the meeting controls, and widens eyes in realization; to the group) Ummm… was my microphone actually on this whole time?
Manager: (Finishes eating popcorn) Oh yeah. I tried calling your cell phone at the beginning but it went to voicemail.
Coworker 5: (Slowly slumps in the chair) Oh… no.… I just got myself fired, didn’t I.
Manager: Nah – we still need you for the horrendous project, and you and your kids made that seem not so bad anymore.
Coworker 5: …My pleasure.