Story 595: Could You Water the Plants While I’m Away?

            (At a department store, Friend 1 is working at the customer service desk)

Customer: What do you mean, you don’t have it?!

Friend 1: Here.  (Swings a computer monitor around to face Customer and points at a line item on a list) See this?  Zero.  As in, zero in store, zero in the warehouses, and I’m pretty certain zero currently exist on this mortal plane.  Can’t reach into the nearest alternate universe and pull out a copy into this one, either.

Customer: Why, you, you’re – so rude!

Friend 1: (Swings the monitor back around) Well, truth hurts.

Customer: Yeah, but you don’t have to be so sarcastic about it!  (Walks away)

Friend 1: (To the monitor) That wasn’t sarcasm, it was impertinence.  (Cell phone in a pants pocket rings; Friend 1 looks around, does not see anyone nearby, and answers the phone after checking the caller ID) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Seated in a terminal gate waiting area in an airport) Oh hey, sorry, are you at work right now?

Friend 1: Yeah but I think I just got myself fired, so how can I help you?

Friend 2: Ohhhh-kaaaay – well, I’m at the airport and we’ll be boarding soon, and I realized I forgot to also ask when you come to the house could you water the plants while I’m away?

Friend 1: (Slow blinks) You lost me at “I’m at the airport”.

Friend 2: Are you kidding me?!  I’m going to the work conference I told you about months ago, and you promised you would check up on the house and pick up the mail while I was gone; you even said it was “NBD”, which should’ve tipped me off immediately that you had no idea what you were agreeing to!

Friend 1: …That was this year?

Friend 2: (Pauses to listen to an announcement) They’re calling my group: I’ll be back Friday night, so just bring in the mail and water the plants unless it rains, please, and maybe I’ll remember to bring back a souvenir for you.

Friend 1: When you say “Water the plants”, about how many and for how long?

Friend 2: (Standing and grabbing a small suitcase to join the line at the gate) All the ones you see, and until they’re wet, bye!  (Ends the call and brings up a boarding pass on the phone, muttering) I’ll be lucky if I have a house left by the time I get back.

Harried Passenger: (Standing in front of Friend 2, turns around) You’re not kidding – leaving the kids in charge is always a recipe for disaster, but you gotta give `em some responsibility or else they’ll never grow up, am-I-right?

Friend 2: …Yeah.

Friend 1: (Brow furrowed in confusion, pockets the cell phone as Manager approaches the desk with Customer) I don’t remember ever seeing plants there…. 

NEXT MORNING 

(Friend 1 arrives at Friend 2’s house, takes the previous day’s mail out of the box, unlocks the front door, and drops the mail onto the kitchen counter)

Friend 1: All right, one part down.  (Walks around several rooms, searching) Just what I thought: no plants here.  (Goes out the back door and freezes) Oh.  (The backyard is a ginormous garden, set up as a maze and filled with rows and trellises of fruits, vegetables, flowers, and legumes, surrounded by hanging baskets of more flowers and bookended with fruit bushes) What am I supposed to do with this?!  These aren’t “plants”, they’re the Hanging Gardens of Babylon!  (Spots an extremely long hose attached to a faucet on the side of the house) OK, guess this is it.  (Turns on the water, drags the length of hose to the garden entrance, and begins dousing the plants) Apologies in advance if I miss anyone, but until your mama comes back, take what you can get.  (Struggles up and down the leafy aisles, getting scratches and contact hives from all the flora reaching out for the moving stream; the water also disturbs several insects that were perched on flowers)

Butterfly: (Shaking legs in anger at Friend 1) Hey!  I’m pollinatin’ here!

Friend 1: (Aims the hose in Butterfly’s general direction) Buzz off!

Butterfly: I don’t buzz, I flutter by!  (Flutters by Friend 1 and administers a gentle slap of the wings on the latter’s wrist) Take that!

Friend 1: Was that a breeze?

Butterfly: Hmpf!  (Flutters to a neighboring backyard to wreak pollination havoc there)

(Friend 1 wipes sweat off forehead while getting drenched everywhere else in yanking the hose around corners and holding it up to cover the taller plants, then lower to drench the dirt, grousing incomprehensibly all the while.  After emerging from the maze that is now a dripping rainforest and watering the hanging baskets and nearby bushes, stands at the maze’s entrance again to address the gathering) Well?!  Are you all satisfied?!

Strawberry Bush: (In a corner by the side of the house) Ahem.  (Waves a few runners at Friend 1)

Friend 1: Oh for crying out – (Shoots a jet of water in the strawberries’ faces)

Strawberry Bush: Aiii!!!!

Friend 1: (Lowers the hose) Sorry.  (To the entire backyard) Is that it?!

Garden: [Grumbles in agreement]

Friend 1: Good!  (Turns off the hose and tosses it away) I’ll be back at the same time tomorrow!

Garden: [Groans in despair] 

SATURDAY MORNING 

(Seated at a kitchen table in an apartment, Friend 1 is job searching on a laptop when Friend 2 calls)

Friend 1: (Answering) So, you’ve returned at last, have you?

Friend 2: (Standing in the middle of the garden maze, which is still dripping) What did you do to my plants?!

Friend 1: Exactly as you instructed: I watered them.

Friend 2: Almost drowned them, more like!  I said only do enough to get them wet!

Friend 1: And they are wet, aren’t they?  I fail to see the issue here.

Friend 2: If you water them too much, you rot out the roots!

Friend 1: Oh.  Well, they looked like they needed it, what can I tell you.

Friend 2: You can tell me that you know we’re still under a water restriction from last year, right?!  I’m only supposed to water these once every few days!

Friend 1: A fact you neglected to mention in your haste to add a chore to my list.  And we’re under a water restriction?

Friend 2: Unbeliev – you live under a rock, you know that?!

Friend 1: I sometimes wish I did.

Friend 2: And by the way, you also can tell me that you were too aggressive with the hose and took your irritation out on my poor babies!

Friend 1: (Flares up) Who snitched?!  The marigolds?!  The tomatoes?!  The potatoes?!  Every last one of them were giving me dirty looks the entire time I was there, the ingrates!

Friend 2: (Rubs eyes in weariness) Listen, I appreciate you doing this for me, and I think they’ll all make through the hyperhydration; I’m just exhausted from the conference and the travel and nearly not-landing on the runway coming back, and seeing my garden nearly washed away on top of all that was the last straw.

Friend 1: I get it; I’m sorry.  I’ll water slightly less next time.

Friend 2: Next time I’ll ask my neighbor to do it.

Friend 1: Even better.

Story 590: Conference Encounter, Part 2

            (At a professional conference, attendees take their seats at long tables facing a giant screen, computer, and podium)

Event Coordinator: (Addressing the group on a microphone while standing next to Speaker) All right, everyone, I hope you enjoyed lunch – I’m sure we’ll all regret that rich dessert soon enough though, heh-heh-heh!

Attendee 4: I regret nothing!

Event Coordinator: Right.  Now, our next speaker is actually our third speaker from this morning, continuing the rest of the presentation on “Quality Control and You”.

(Attendees groan and briefly slump onto the tables)

Attendee 5: Not again!

Event Coordinator: This isn’t a surprise, folks – you’ve had the conference agenda for the past month!

Attendee 5: We were hoping it was a typo.

Event Coordinator: I don’t get it: on past conference surveys, most of you said that you wanted more sessions on this topic!

Attendee 5: Not four hours’ worth, we don’t!

Event Coordinator: I had schedule gaps to fill!

Speaker: Doooooo you want me to step outside for a minute?

Event Coordinator: No!  No, please forgive the rudeness of your audience – (Glares at Attendees for a moment) and start your presentation as soon as you’re ready.  (To Attendees) We’re losing precious minutes here, and if you keep up with the bellyaching you’re gonna lose out on the next break.

Attendees: Nooooooooo!!!!  Anything but that!

Event Coordinator: Well then, zip it!  (To Speaker) Please proceed.

Speaker: (Accepting the microphone from Event Coordinator) Thank you; I’ll let you know when to advance the slides.  (To Attendees as Event Coordinator sits in front of the computer) As I mentioned at the last session, please feel free to ask me questions at any time.  (Sees a hand shoot up toward the front of the room) Yes?

Attendee 6: (Lowers hand) Is this just going to basically repeat the same information from the last session?

Event Coordinator: Hey!

Speaker: …Not much.

Attendee 6: Knew it.

Attendee 2: (Seated at the end of a table next to Attendee 3, across the aisle from Attendee 6; addressing the latter) What do you care?  You get credit no matter what.

Attendee 6: Good point: nighty-night.  (Lays head down on the table and immediately falls asleep)

Event Coordinator: Anyone caught napping will not be given their credit certificates!

(Attendees groan again)

Attendee 6: (Immediately awakens and sits straight) I’m up!

Event Coordinator: Thank you.  (Gestures “Go ahead” to Speaker) Please continue.

Speaker: Thanks.  (Looks up at the slide currently displayed on the giant screen) Now, let’s start with a case review –

Attendee 7: (Briefly raises hand) Sorry to be “that guy”, but I can see already on the screen that the case is one we’ve all heard about a bajillion times before and nothing new can be said on the subject, ever.

Event Coordinator: (Points to Attendee 7) That’s enough out of you!

Speaker: (To Event Coordinator) It’s OK – (To Attendee 7) That’s fair, but I bet you haven’t seen this version before.  (To Event Coordinator) Next slide, please.  (Event Coordinator advances to the next slide) This one has video clips!

Attendee 7: We’ve seen those, too!

Speaker: Oh.  Then can you pretend you didn’t?

Attendee 7: No.

Event Coordinator: Well, you’re gonna have to!

Speaker: It’s all right; next slide, please.  (Event Coordinator grinds teeth and advances to the next slide; Attendees groan again) What now?!

Attendee 1: (Sitting on the other side of Attendee 3) One of the speakers this morning literally had the same exact slide.  I mean, font and everything.

Speaker: That’s impossible!

Attendee 1: I’d agree, yet here we are.

Speaker: All right, fine – next slide, please!  (Event Coordinator advances to the next slide) Anyone seen this one before, hm?!

Attendee 4: (Tentatively raises hand) Just at your presentation last year.

Speaker: Ah!

Event Coordinator: (Stands and points to Attendee 4) Traitor!

Attendee 4: (Also stands) Hey, what’s right is right!

Attendee 5: (Also stands) If the whole presentation is like this then I’m going downstairs to the casino, credit or no credit!

Attendee 7: (Also stands) Fie on that!  I want credit for time served!

Attendee 6: (Also stands) And I want credit for all the sleep I’m missing out on today!

Most Attendees: (Also stand) Aye-aye!

Event Coordinator: (Trembling with rage) This is mutiny!

Attendee 4: Darn tootin’!

(Attendees and Event Coordinator begin yelling incomprehensibly at each other and papers begin flying around the room)

Attendee 2: (Leans forward to rest head on hands as chaos reigns) Retirement can’t come soon enough.

Attendee 3: (Sees Attendee 2’s name tag has spun around) OH – MY – GOODNESS!!!  (Attendee 2 looks up sharply at Attendee 3) This entire time I thought you two worked at my old job, but you’ve actually been at an entire different company and been entirely different people THIS ENTIRE TIME?!

Attendee 2: (Frozen) Ummmmm….

Attendee 1: (After a moment of panic, leans in from the other side of Attendee 3) Oh my goodness, this entire time we thought you had worked at our job!

Attendee 3: No way!

Attendee 1: No way!

Attendee 2: No way?

Attendee 3: This… is… AMAZING!

(Attendee 3 pulls Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 into a three-way hug as they sob in relief and joy while the commotion escalates all around them and a paper airplane lands on their table)

Event Coordinator: (Climbs on top of a table, grabbing the microphone that was dropped on the floor in the middle of everything) ENOUGH!  (Everyone else freezes) If you all knock it off now, I’ll ask the kitchen to bring out both the canapés and the mac-and-cheese that you demanded for our evening reception, all right?!  (The standing Attendees suddenly sit back down with a collective “Bang!”)  Good.  (Looks down and sees Speaker hiding under a table; holds out the microphone) Here ya go.  (Speaker shakily stands and takes back the microphone) Now: please resume your presentation at the point where you were so rudely interrupted.  (Primly sits back at the computer)

Speaker: Tha – ahem – thank you.  (Stares out at the Attendees, who stare back expectantly) Soooo… next slide?

Story 589: Conference Encounter, Part 1

            (At a professional conference, attendees are eating buffet breakfast at round tables in another room at the venue before the day’s sessions begin)

Attendee 1: (Sitting across from Attendee 2 at an otherwise-unoccupied table, with an untouched bowl of cereal) I’m not gonna to lodge a complaint or anything – maybe mention it if they send a survey – but when you go to take a shower, and see one of the hotel’s freshly laundered washcloths already has a mystery stain on it… just makes you question everything.

Attendee 2: (Stares thoughtfully at Attendee 1 for a few moments) You know, I really wish you hadn’t told me that right before I was about to eat this bagel.  (Drops a buttered bagel back onto the plate)

Attendee 1: (Looks down at the bagel, then back at Attendee 2) Sorry.

(Attendee 3, carrying an overnight bag, starts to pass by the table but suddenly stops on seeing the other two)

Attendee 3: OH – MY – GOODNESS!!!  (Startled, Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 look up at Attendee 3) It’s the Corporate Crew, I can’t believe it!  (Swoops in and embraces Attendee 2)

Attendee 2: Hiiiiiii...? (Over Attendee 3’s back, desperately mouths “Who is this?!” to Attendee 1, who shrugs with a baffled look)

Attendee 3: (Pulls away from Attendee 2 and turns to embrace Attendee 1) It’s been what, three years now?  Four?

Attendee 1: (In mid-embrace, darts a panicked look at Attendee 2, who grimaces in defeat) Heh-heh-heh?

Attendee 3: (Pulls back, beaming broadly at both) This is so great.  I love seeing people I used to work with at these events, don’t you?

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: Yeah….

Attendee 3: Well, I just got here this morning, so I’m gonna go grab some breakfast – mind if I sit with you guys?

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: Sure….

Attendee 3: Great!  (Drops the overnight bag onto the floor next to the table) Please watch my stuff for a minute – I’ll be right back, and then we can catch up!  Oh, you two want anything?  (They both shake their heads) All righty – bye!  (Practically skips to the buffet table)

Attendee 1: (Whispers as both lean toward each other) I think we should go to the conference room and get seats, now!

Attendee 2: (Also whispers) Don’t be rude!  Besides, we’ll all be in the same room for the next eight hours – how’d we ever avoid the shame?

Attendee 1: So you remember who that person is?

Attendee 2: Not a clue – you?

Attendee 1: Absolutely not.  Maybe they weren’t in Corporate that long?

Attendee 2: I dunno; sure sounded like we all were best buddies for ages.

Attendee 1: I must be getting old – I forget names sometimes, but I have never forgotten a face this badly before in my entire life!

Attendee 2: I’m right there with you; maybe we should just shove dignity aside and ask –

Attendee 1: (Looks up suddenly) Hiiiiiiii!

Attendee 3: (Has returned with lots of plates full of pastries and a cup of coffee balanced on top, and sits between Attendee 1 and Attendee 2) Hey there!  Thanks for saving me a seat, ahahaha!  (Sits and starts digging into the food) Sooooo – how’s it been since I left our alma mater, hm?

Attendee 2: It’s been… (Looks at Attendee 1, who is worrying a pulled thread on the tablecloth) the usual.

Attendee 3: HA!  (Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 look at each other in confusion) Anyway, how’s our favorite VP doing, at least?

Attendee 1: Which… one…?

Attendee 3: Heh-heh, you know!  (Slyly nudges Attendee 1 with an elbow, making the latter’s arm slip off the table where it was leaning; to Attendee 2 while jerking a thumb at Attendee 1) Always a kidder, this one!

Attendee 2: (Staring at Attendee 1 who is trying to regain balance on the chair) Yeah, always.  (Leans over a bit to unobtrusively check Attendee 3’s name tag on lanyard but it is flipped over)

Attendee 3: (Finishing up another plate) Well, I just gotta say, I’m glad I got outta there when I did, but I miss most of the people there, especially you two!  (Reaches out to rub Attendee 1’s and Attendee 2’s shoulders on either side) We had some great times in the workplace trenches there, right?

Attendee 1: (Smoothly ducks away from Attendee 3’s hand) I’m sure someone did.

Attendee 3: (Claps hands in glee) Ooh, I know!  We should all meet up for dinner sometime!

Attendee 2: Ah….

Attendee 1: Well….

Attendee 3: Yes!  That way, we can reminisce for hours!

Attendee 2: Actually –

Event Coordinator: (Standing near a doorway) All right everybody, start heading over to the conference room and take a seat, we are starting in – (Checks watch) four minutes, and not a second later!

Attendee 3: (Downs the rest of the coffee) Whelp, guess that’s our cue!  I’ll grab us some seats in the way back of the room, wink-wink!  (Winks exaggeratedly at both while grabbing the bag, plates, and cup) Oh, do you want me to take your stuff?  (Gestures at the uneaten cereal and bagel)

Attendee 2: No thanks, we’ll work on them inside.

Attendee 3: Always the multitasker, eh?

Attendee 2: …You know me.

Attendee 3: Great!  See you in a bit!  (Trots away)

Attendee 1: (As everyone gets up and starts heading to the conference room) I don’t think I can take eight hours of this.  Plus lunch!

Attendee 2: Well, maybe one of us’ll remember the name before then, and mystery solved.  Doesn’t seem like someone who’d be that forgettable, right?

LUNCH

(As the attendees gather back in the dining area)

Attendee 3: Well, I certainly learned a lot today; how about you two?

Attendee 2: (Eyes glazed over) Hm?  Oh, yeah, a little.

Attendee 2: I learned that an engaging speaker makes all the difference.

Attendee 3: (Cackles wildly) Always with the jokes!  (Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 give each other dazed looks) Well, I’m gonna go check in downstairs and hope the room is ready so I can drop this load off – (Pats the overnight bag) you mind grabbing us a table and I’ll meet you when I get back?

Attendee 2: Sure.

Attendee 3: Great!  See you soon, buds!  (Zips out of the room)

Attendee 2: (As both start looking for empty seats at a table) So, any luck with the memory game?

Attendee 1: Not a jot.  For a second around Hour 2 I thought maybe I had it, but then realized I was thinking of my cousin so, no.

Attendee 2: Drat.

(Event Coordinator and Attendee 4 walk up to them)

Event Coordinator: Hi there, conference veterans!

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: (In the same familiar, tired tone) Heeeeeey.

Event Coordinator: So, seems to be another good conference this year, right?

Attendee 1: Yeah, I like it better than the one last year.

Attendee 4: Right, last year we had the breakout sessions and had to make all those posters and –

Attendee 1: (Shudders) Please: I had successfully blocked that from my mind until now.

Event Coordinator: (To Attendee 2) You still finding these things boring as anything?

Attendee 2: Well, I wouldn’t say “boring”, just not really applicable to my job and it’s difficult to keep my eyes open at a certain point, that’s all.

Event Coordinator: I’d agree, except this year I’m the one who has to make sure the speakers’ slides are all displaying and the microphone’s working and everyone’s where they’re supposed to be, sooooo... yeah.  Gotta keep alert on this one.

Attendee 2: I hear ya.

Event Coordinator: Well, enough of that.  On a happier note, I see you two’ve been having a good time with our former coworker today.

(Attendee 4 nods in agreement; Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 stare back blankly)

Attendee 2: …I’m sorry, you’re former coworker?

Event Coordinator: Oh yeah, that one worked in our organization’s Corporate office about three or four years ago; moved on to another company, but stayed in the field and still shows up at these events every so often.  Surprised they didn’t come over and say “Hi”, but we’ve been a bit busy today so it’s understandable.

Attendee 1: So, are you saying that they used to work at your organization, and now is who-knows-where?

Event Coordinator: Sounds like it. 

Attendee 4: I thought maybe they were working at your organization, since you all seemed so, well, chummy.

Attendee 2: (Staring into the middle distance) No; no I’m almost positive we’ve never met before today….

Event Coordinator: Well, one of the goals of these conferences is professional networking anyway, so making new contacts is always a good thing.  (Looks toward the front of the room where an attendee is waving wildly for the former’s attention) Oh, I think I’m being told we have to start the business meeting soon.  (Turns back to Attendee 1 and Attendee 2) Nice seeing you two again – enjoy lunch! 

Attendee 4: And tell your new friend we said “Hi!”

(Laughs while both walk over to the main table where lots of papers and awards await; Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 stare at nothing for a few moments)

Attendee 1: Well, this is awkward.

Attendee 2: Yep.

Attendee 1: Should we say something about it?

Attendee 2: Nope.

Attendee 1: Why not?

Attendee 2: Because there is no recovery from this kind of embarrassment.

Story 490: Extremely Motivational Speaker

(In a large meeting room, tables and chairs are arranged so that lanyard-wearing attendees are facing a podium with a large sign overhead that reads “101^st Annual Office Workers’ Conference”.  One of the attendees finishes setting up the audiovisual system with a venue employee and then grabs a microphone to address the room)

Attendee 1: (Cheerily) Goooood morning, everyone; we’re going to get started – I know most of you came here with the sunrise from all over the state, so I see you have your coffee and tea all set to go!  (Nearly every attendee raises a cup to salute Attendee 1; one attendee pours the cup’s contents into an IV bag and starts the drip; another without a liquid stimulant stares balefully at Attendee 1; another’s head jerks up, awake) Our first speaker today is going to get the ball rolling with an inspirational talk that’ll get us ready to face the rest of the sessions for the next – (Glances at a schedule for the day) 10 hours.  Oh wow, I didn’t realize it was that long when we scheduled these…. Anyway!  Our first speaker gives talks around the world inspiring everyone to do anything; has written 76 bestsellers motivating readers to get off the couch and do something; and is currently working on a fifth Ph.D. in the science of personal fulfillment; please welcome, legally name-changed Dr. Do-It-Now!

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Runs up to the front of the room in a blur of confetti, waving wildly at the attendees’ polite muted applause) Hey-hey-hey, folks, it’s great to be here with all you fine people today!  Now, this is going to be an interactive session, so I’m going to be asking you questions; we’re going to have breakout groups; and I’m going to need some volunteers to recount deeply personal experiences in front of their associates here; sound like fun?!  (Everyone else stares back)

Attendee 2: C’mon, pal, it’s 8:00 in the morning and we’ve been up since 3!  (Trails off into a sob while collapsing onto crossed arms on the table)

Attendee 3: (Sitting next to Attendee 2, pats the latter’s shoulder while looking elsewhere; mutters) There, there – get a grip.

Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course, we all hesitate when faced with something new, right?  Because New = Unknown = Uncomfortable!  Well, I’m here to get you out of your comfort zone and plunge headfirst into the infinity pool that is Life!  Now, everyone, stand up!  (No one moves) Don’t be shy – that never gets anyone anywhere!  (Attendee 1 stands and gestures frantically for everyone else to do the same; the others stagger up, with Attendee 3 pulling up a sniffling Attendee 2) Perfect!  First, we’re going to do some deep breathing exercises….

 20 MINUTES LATER

(Dr. Do-It-Now and Attendees 4, 5, and 6 are sitting cross-legged in a circle on the podium, holding hands with each other)

Dr. Do-It-Now: Now, don’t you all feel cleansed and rejuvenated after reliving your childhood traumas for your colleagues to hear, hm?

Attendee 4: (Weeping) This has done more for me in minutes than therapy has done for me in years!

Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course it has.  (To all three) You can go back to your seats now.  (Stands as the three go back to their seats; to the other attendees) Let’s give them a big round of applause for being our first victims – ha ha, I mean volunteers!  (Everyone applauds)  At this time, I want you all to take the notepads and pens that our hotel hosts generously left here for “free” so you can remember them forever, and start writing down any words you can think of to describe your life as you perceive it now, in one column, and how you want your life to be in a second column, and then in a third column describe how you think others perceive your life, and then in a fourth column how you’d want others to perceive your life, and then in a fifth column any words that appear more than once across the other columns – you have five minutes.  (No one moves) Go-go-go!  (Attendee 2 raises a hand as everyone else starts writing) Yes?

Attendee 2: Is this school?  (Is glared at by Attendee 3)

Dr. Do-It-Now: AHAHAHAHA – you have four-and-a-half-minutes.

 10 MINUTES LATER

Attendee 7: (Standing while reading from the notepad) …and it seems I entered the words “rich,” “lonely,” and “obsessed” a lot; not sure if that means anything.

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Eyes wide with shock, then snaps out of it) That’s wonderful: let’s all give a round of applause for sharing your most private self with us, yay!  (Everyone applauds as Attendee 7 sits, smiling and blushing) Who else would like to share with us?  (Attendee 2 raises a hand again; Attendee 3 looks puzzled) Go right ahead!

Attendee 2: (Stands, clears throat, and turns the notepad around to show that all five columns are blank)

Dr. Do-It-Now: OK!  (Attendee 3 yanks Attendee 2 back down onto the chair and snatches away the notepad and pen)  Anyone else?  (Attendee 1 stands, flashes both hands wide and then one hand while mouthing “15”) Oops, that’s my signal I have 15 minutes left, so I’m going to jump ahead to the Q&A session.  But!  This is not a typical Q&A session, oh no-no-no: instead of asking me about my life, career, goals, and secret sauce, I am going to ask you all about where you want to be in your lives, and whether that where is here.  (Grabs an empty chair, plops it down in front of Attendee 8, sits leaning forward, and stares deeply into the latter’s eyes) Now: tell me everything.

Attendee 8: (Compelled, leans forward to mirror Dr. Do-It-Now) Well, it all started when I started slacking off in 11^th grade….

 15 MINUTES LATER

(The entire room is standing)

Dr. Do-It-Now: I really need you to scream it back at me this time, folks: I AM WORTHY!

Attendees: I AM WORTHY!

Dr. Do-It-Now: I DESERVE HAPPINESS!

Attendees: I DESERVE HAPPINESS!

Dr. Do-It-Now: I WILL NOT LET LIFE GET ME DOWN!

Attendees: I WILL NOT –

Venue Employee: (At the door) Excuse me?

Dr. Do-It-Now: Hello, yes – what’s up?

Venue Employee: Sorry to interrupt, but the guests on the casino floor asked if you all could keep it down a bit in here, please?

Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course!  Please extend my apologies, and wish them all “good luck” for me!

Venue Employee: Thanks, but “luck” isn’t on the company payroll.  (Leaves)

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Whispering) OK, last one.

All: (Whispering) I WILL NOT LET LIFE GET ME DOWN!

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Regular volume) Perfect!  You can sit back down now.  (Everyone else sits as Attendee 1 waves at Dr. Do-It-Now and gestures to another speaker standing by a back door) Well, I see that our time today is up, and your next speaker is on deck – I want to thank you all for the opportunity to change your lives today, and also invite you to visit my Web site listed on your conference materials so you can download copies of those goal journals I discussed earlier; remember to fill them out every day or else they won’t work!

Attendee 2: Homework?!  Arrrrggghhhh!!!!  (Collapses onto arms sobbing again)

Attendee 3: (Rolls eyes and shakes head) Never come with me again to one of these things.

Dr. Do-It-Now: So!  That’s all I’ve got for you today – have a great rest-of-your-conference, folks, and remember to live all of your life to the max!  (Waves wildly at everyone while running out of the room in a blur of confetti; the attendees applaud enthusiastically)

Attendee 1: (Moves to the front of the room with the microphone again) Well, that certainly did the trick for me!  I am now pumped up to face the rest of today, how about you?  (The other attendees cheer) Great!  `Cause here is our next speaker, who teaches at three universities and two high schools, talking to us today about “Budgeting on a Budget,” please welcome, The Professor!

The Professor: (Walks warily to the lectern on the podium to polite muted applause as a slideshow appears on large screens; looks around the room and gestures at the stream of confetti that leads to the door where Dr. Do-It-Now had exited) Now how am I supposed to follow that?!