Story 593: Unexpected Roommate

            (At a condo, there is a knock on the front door; Resident rushes to check the peephole)

Resident: Ah!  At last!  (Hurriedly unlocks and opens the door)

Contractor: (Turns to face Resident, whipping off sunglasses) Heard you have a leak?

Resident: Yes!  Somewhere.

Contractor: What?

Resident: (Gesturing Contractor to enter) Thanks for coming over so quickly; I’ve been simply beside myself.

Contractor: (Entering) So it seems: lead the way.

Resident: (Leading Contractor to the bathroom) I just had a leak from the upstairs unit a few months ago and it destroyed everything, but it was all fixed so this just baffles my mind, absolutely baffles it!

Contractor: Uh-huh.  (They enter the bathroom, with Resident turning on the light and Contractor looking up at the ceiling) So, where’s the leak exactly?

Resident: That’s just it: I don’t know!

Contractor: (Looks back at Resident) Eh?

Resident: I keep hearing water dripping onto something, but I’ve checked everywhere here and in the laundry room and nothing!  It’s completely bizarre!

Contractor: Hm.  (Enters the adjacent laundry room, turns on the light, and looks up at that ceiling) Hmmmmm….

Resident; I checked the washing machine too, and the floors, and the shower – no puddles, no dampness, no mold, nothing!  But the dripping remains!

Contractor: Yep, seems to be a mystery.  (Grabs a dust mop from a corner) You mind?

Resident: No, go ahead: do what you must.

Contractor: Thanks.  (Uses the handle to tap the laundry room ceiling a bit, then goes back into the bathroom and taps that ceiling as well) When’s the last time you heard the dripping?

Resident: I don’t know, it just happens whenever!  It waits until I think it’s gone away, then strikes again!

Contractor: (Returns the mop to the laundry room) All right, let’s listen for a minute then.

(The two stand quietly; after a few moments, there is a sound of something softly tapping against metal)

Resident: (Slightly hops up-and-down in restrained excitement) Ooh, there it is, there it is!  The cursèd dripping, I can’t bear it!

Contractor: (Glances around the bathroom for a few moments) Yep, there it is all right, but where?  (Looks down at a wall when the sound happens again, and freezes) Diiiiiiiid you have any work done here in the past few days?

Resident: Hm?  Oh, yeah, my air conditioner got tuned up this morning, and that’s when the dripping started, why?  (Gasps in horror) Do you think the entire air conditioning system is leaking?!

Contractor: (Squats down next to a wall vent) No, but I think it may explain a few things.  (Peers into the vent for a few moments, then stands back up)  Well, I have some good news for you.

Resident: Yes?

Contractor: It’s not a leak.

Resident: Oh thank GOODNESS!  You have NO IDEA how much of a relief that is!  I am so worn out by water damage that if it’d happened again I would have MELTED DOWN, just MELTED!  DOWN!

Contractor: Got it.

Resident: (Smiling broadly) So!  What’s all the noise then, hm?

Contractor: It’s a mouse.

Resident: (Smile freezes in place) …What?

Contractor: My guess is the critter’s been hanging around in the ducts, then got blasted down here – (Taps the wall) when the air conditioning was turned on, and what you thought was water dripping down was actually the poor thing fruitlessly trying to climb back up.

Resident: (Eyes widening by the second) …What?!

Contractor: I’m surprised you haven’t heard the little feet strolling around before now; I can only see one in there, but there may be more, or at least there will be soon, `cause this one looks to be pregnant.

Resident: (Ready to burst) WHAT?!

Contractor: Don’t worry: I’ll get `em out for you if you want, but it’ll be extra since I don’t usually do animal control.

Resident: I don’t care!  I can’t believe there’s been an actual mouse –

Contractor: Possibly mice.

Resident: – living in the same space I do, and breathing my air!  Rent free!

Contractor: Hey, if you knew half the things that are living in your walls, you’d never live anywhere.

Resident: Ewwwwwwwwugh!

Contractor: So, do you want me to remove the little mama or what?  You’ll definitely want to get the ducts cleaned out, although that’s not my purview and the companies that do it charge a pretty penny, considering how gnarly things get in there.

Resident: I don’t care if it’s an ugly penny, I can never use my air conditioning again after this disaster, never!

Contractor: I’m sure it’s fine: I doubt the mold spore and germ counts in there are that high.

Resident: But what about the mouse’s – (Flaps a hand in the direction of the vent) you know, leavings?!

Contractor: Yeah, well, I leave that to the professionals who aren’t me.  (Squats down again to examine the vent cover) This thing just pops off the wall when it’s unscrewed, right?

Resident: (Had taken out a cell phone and is dialing) Huh?  Oh, yeah, sure, whatever.  (Holds the phone up to an ear) Excuse me.

Contractor: (Sees the mouse reaching out a tentative paw between the vent cover’s slats, and pats the cover lightly in reassurance) Don’t worry, little buddy – we’ll get you out of there soon.

Resident: (To the phone) Yes, I said “mice”!  An invasion of them!  Now I’m going to have to move out!

Contractor: (Stands; to Resident) I’m just going out to the truck to get a trap – be back in a minute.

Resident: (Distractedly) Yeah, fine, don’t care.  (Back to the phone) What do you mean, you’ll never let me move back in?!  I AM YOUR CHILD!

Contractor: (On the way out) Yeesh.

(Later, Contractor and Resident are in the nearby woods with the trap)

Contractor: (Wearing gloves and holding the trap out to Resident) Want to do the honors?

Resident: (Still on the phone; to Contractor) Are you kidding?!  (Back to the phone) Yes, I want the works!  Fumigation – sterilization – EXTERMINATION!  (Pauses for a few moments) Too bad that it’s not included!

Contractor: (Shakes head slightly, then leans down to release the mouse from the trap onto the ground) Here ya go: be free.  (The mouse does not move; Contractor gently shakes the trap in encouragement) C’mon, get out while the gettin’s good.  (The mouse finally leaves the trap, looks around while sniffing the air, then bolts into the woods without looking back; Contractors stands back up to watch and sighs in contentment) At least that’s a happy ending.

Resident: (To the phone) Bleach – acid – RAZE IT TO THE GROUND!

Contractor: (Walks past Resident) I’ll send you the bill.

Resident: (To the phone) Hold on.  (To Contractor) If I find any more water-impersonating mice in there, I’m not paying a cent!  (Back to the phone) Yes, TOTAL ANNIHILATION!

Contractor: (Mutters) Right now, I envy the mouse.

Story 327: A Bit Washed Out

            (Friend 2 walks down the hallway to Friend 1’s apartment, looking down and stepping around large puddles of water along the way.  Friend 2 knocks on the apartment door and Friend 1 opens it after a minute)

            Friend 1: Hey!  Ready to go?

            Friend 2: Only if you are – you got a leak or something?

          Friend 1: Huh?  (Friend 2 steps aside and gestures to the lakes scattered along the hallway; Friend 1’s eyes widen) WHAT?!

            Friend 2: So I guess this isn’t from you, then.

          Friend 1: Darn tootin’ it’s not from me!  Unless – (Runs back into the apartment, a lot of banging and crashes are heard, then runs back to the front door) Nope, it isn’t from me.

            Friend 2: Do you think it’s coming from one of your neighbors?

           Friend 1: (Walks up and down the hallway, peering closely at the lakes) I don’t think so: they seem to be springing up all over.  (Freezes around the hallway’s midpoint) Hang on – you hear that?

            Friend 2: (Tilts head) No – what?

           Friend 1: (Places an ear against the wall on the same side of the hallway as the apartment, then grinds teeth) Niagara Falls.

            Friend 2: (Also places an ear against the wall) Oh wow, it sounds like a pipe burst in there – how old is this building?

            Friend 1: Literally centuries.  (Takes phone out of jeans pocket and makes a call) Hi, this is the tenant from Apartment 5B, there’s water absolutely all over the corridor here, you might want to have it taken care of before the entire building implodes, hope you’re enjoying the Galápagos, bye!  (Disconnects the call and sticks the phone back into pocket)

            Friend 2: Wait, the landlord’s on vacation and didn’t leave anyone in charge?

            Friend 1: Yeah, why?

            Friend 2: In case something like this happens!

            Friend 1: All I know is, I’m not responsible for anything in this entire building, and that’s how I like it.

           Friend 2: I guess, but in the meantime your apartment might get flooded or the walls and floors could all rot out, collapsing the entire place and then you’d be homeless for who-knows-how-long until your landlord gets their act together from the Galápagos to fix it!  Plus everyone else who lives here would be homeless too, just as a side note.

            Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) You make an excellent point.  (Walks past Friend 2 into the apartment, then after another few moments walks back out to the hallway, faces the wall where the water was heard, and begins to slam it with a sledgehammer)

            Friend 2: (Shielding head as debris flies by) Whoa!  Wait a second, what are you doing?!

            Friend 1: Taking matters into my own hands.  (Slam)

            Friend 2: I meant something more along the lines of calling the water company!

          Friend 1: There’s no time for bureaucratic red tape in this situation.  (One last slam reaches the wall’s innards: the rushing water can be heard louder, but not seen) Right.  (Walks into the apartment, then after a few moments walks back out to the hallway wearing a headlamp and carrying a bucket, duct tape, and a blowtorch) If I don’t come back in an hour, then call the water company.

            Friend 2: Wait – wait – wait – this is nuts, you need a plumber or – or –

           Friend 1: We need, as a society, to be able to resolve problems ourselves and not stand around helplessly waiting for someone else to save us.  (Crawls into the jagged hole in the wall)

            Friend 2: (Cups mouth to shout) At least the someone else would know what they’re doing!  (Mutters) Guess this means we’re not going to the bridal shower today.

59 MINUTES LATER

          (Friend 2 is sitting on the couch inside Friend 1’s apartment, constantly checking the time, when Friend 1 arrives)

            Friend 2: (Stands) You made it!  I was about to call 9-1-1 for a search-and-rescue.

           Friend 1: (Dripping from head to toe) Not necessary.  (Drops headlamp and supplies onto the floor) I believe the situation has been rectified.

            Friend 2: You actually sealed the pipe?

          Friend 1: Heh, no – I did battle with the raging rapids for eons, but there’re too many pipes that are too busted, they’re a lost cause.  No, instead I managed to track down the main shut-off valve for the building, and problem solved.  (Squeezes water out of hair)

            Friend 2: But now no one here has water!                                                                   

           Friend 1: Can’t have it both ways.  Besides, it may turn out that I’m the only one affected by all this – I never see my neighbors and not one even made an appearance during the hullaballoo, so I seriously question whether they’re even real.