(In a department store full of vacationing children, suffering parents/guardians, and irritated regulars, Shopper enters pushing a cart and whistling happily while zigzagging through the crowds)
Shopper: Ahhhhh…. Nothing beats coming into an air-conditioned store on a hot summer’s day. Except maybe going to the beach. Or a pool. Or staying at home. Or – ooh, slushies! (Diverts to the front-and-center slushy counter and orders the biggest size to nurse throughout the store) Ahhhhh…. Nothing beats a freezing, sugary drink in an air-conditioned store on a hot summer’s – (Nearly chokes on the slushy when entering an open space filled with “BACK TO SCHOOL!” displays) What horror is this?! It’s only July!
Employee: (Slowly passing by with a cart full of tried-on clothes to reshelve) You’re telling me – we had to put all these up by 4th of July weekend.
Shopper: (Whispers at Employee’s steadily retreating form) Madness. (Turns back to one of the displays, stares at the notebooks, pens, pencils, backpacks, and lunchboxes waiting eagerly to be brought to school, then shakes head to snap out of it and mutters while turning the cart around) It’s OK – it can’t hurt you – you haven’t had to go back to school in over 20 years –that’s mildly depressing….
(Shopper forces the cart away from the gravitational pull of school supplies and merrily rolls along, ignoring the clearance swimwear and beach gear, and turns a corner to stare down a long aisle)
Shopper: WHAT THE BLAZES IS THIS?!
(Halloween decorations and costumes fill the entire aisle, both sides)
Motion-Sensor Giant Werewolf: (Looms over Shopper entering the aisle) Beware the full moon, beware the setting sun, beware the bubbling cauldron, beware the grave, ahahahaha!
Shopper: I think you’re a little confused there, creep. (To the rest of the aisle, some parts of which are moving) I can’t face your torments right now – begone! (Nothing changes) Oh right, I’m the one who has to leave. (Maneuvers the cart to the next aisle and starts to go down it)
Motion-Sensor Giant Turkey: (Looms over Shopper entering the aisle) Hi there! This is Tom Turkey wishing you and yours a Happy Thanks– !
Shopper: Nope! (Immediately turns around to leave the aisle and runs with the cart as fast as possible through the human obstacle course in the store’s main thoroughfare until reaching the end, then sharply turns and heads down that aisle to reach the back corner of the store, sipping the slushy the entire way)
Shopper: (Noisily slurping the bottom of the cup while turning the corner at the back of the store) Safe at last, safe at –
Winter Wonderland: JINGLE BELLS/ JINGLE BELLS/ JINGLE ALL THE –
Shopper: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (Flings away the empty cup, abandons the cart, and somehow avoids collisions while running through the crowds and back out the main entrance into the hot summer’s day) No one will take summer away from me – NO ONE!!!
Employee: (Watching while still slowly pushing the cart of clothes; softly) Wish I could join you….