Story 593: Unexpected Roommate

            (At a condo, there is a knock on the front door; Resident rushes to check the peephole)

Resident: Ah!  At last!  (Hurriedly unlocks and opens the door)

Contractor: (Turns to face Resident, whipping off sunglasses) Heard you have a leak?

Resident: Yes!  Somewhere.

Contractor: What?

Resident: (Gesturing Contractor to enter) Thanks for coming over so quickly; I’ve been simply beside myself.

Contractor: (Entering) So it seems: lead the way.

Resident: (Leading Contractor to the bathroom) I just had a leak from the upstairs unit a few months ago and it destroyed everything, but it was all fixed so this just baffles my mind, absolutely baffles it!

Contractor: Uh-huh.  (They enter the bathroom, with Resident turning on the light and Contractor looking up at the ceiling) So, where’s the leak exactly?

Resident: That’s just it: I don’t know!

Contractor: (Looks back at Resident) Eh?

Resident: I keep hearing water dripping onto something, but I’ve checked everywhere here and in the laundry room and nothing!  It’s completely bizarre!

Contractor: Hm.  (Enters the adjacent laundry room, turns on the light, and looks up at that ceiling) Hmmmmm….

Resident; I checked the washing machine too, and the floors, and the shower – no puddles, no dampness, no mold, nothing!  But the dripping remains!

Contractor: Yep, seems to be a mystery.  (Grabs a dust mop from a corner) You mind?

Resident: No, go ahead: do what you must.

Contractor: Thanks.  (Uses the handle to tap the laundry room ceiling a bit, then goes back into the bathroom and taps that ceiling as well) When’s the last time you heard the dripping?

Resident: I don’t know, it just happens whenever!  It waits until I think it’s gone away, then strikes again!

Contractor: (Returns the mop to the laundry room) All right, let’s listen for a minute then.

(The two stand quietly; after a few moments, there is a sound of something softly tapping against metal)

Resident: (Slightly hops up-and-down in restrained excitement) Ooh, there it is, there it is!  The cursèd dripping, I can’t bear it!

Contractor: (Glances around the bathroom for a few moments) Yep, there it is all right, but where?  (Looks down at a wall when the sound happens again, and freezes) Diiiiiiiid you have any work done here in the past few days?

Resident: Hm?  Oh, yeah, my air conditioner got tuned up this morning, and that’s when the dripping started, why?  (Gasps in horror) Do you think the entire air conditioning system is leaking?!

Contractor: (Squats down next to a wall vent) No, but I think it may explain a few things.  (Peers into the vent for a few moments, then stands back up)  Well, I have some good news for you.

Resident: Yes?

Contractor: It’s not a leak.

Resident: Oh thank GOODNESS!  You have NO IDEA how much of a relief that is!  I am so worn out by water damage that if it’d happened again I would have MELTED DOWN, just MELTED!  DOWN!

Contractor: Got it.

Resident: (Smiling broadly) So!  What’s all the noise then, hm?

Contractor: It’s a mouse.

Resident: (Smile freezes in place) …What?

Contractor: My guess is the critter’s been hanging around in the ducts, then got blasted down here – (Taps the wall) when the air conditioning was turned on, and what you thought was water dripping down was actually the poor thing fruitlessly trying to climb back up.

Resident: (Eyes widening by the second) …What?!

Contractor: I’m surprised you haven’t heard the little feet strolling around before now; I can only see one in there, but there may be more, or at least there will be soon, `cause this one looks to be pregnant.

Resident: (Ready to burst) WHAT?!

Contractor: Don’t worry: I’ll get `em out for you if you want, but it’ll be extra since I don’t usually do animal control.

Resident: I don’t care!  I can’t believe there’s been an actual mouse –

Contractor: Possibly mice.

Resident: – living in the same space I do, and breathing my air!  Rent free!

Contractor: Hey, if you knew half the things that are living in your walls, you’d never live anywhere.

Resident: Ewwwwwwwwugh!

Contractor: So, do you want me to remove the little mama or what?  You’ll definitely want to get the ducts cleaned out, although that’s not my purview and the companies that do it charge a pretty penny, considering how gnarly things get in there.

Resident: I don’t care if it’s an ugly penny, I can never use my air conditioning again after this disaster, never!

Contractor: I’m sure it’s fine: I doubt the mold spore and germ counts in there are that high.

Resident: But what about the mouse’s – (Flaps a hand in the direction of the vent) you know, leavings?!

Contractor: Yeah, well, I leave that to the professionals who aren’t me.  (Squats down again to examine the vent cover) This thing just pops off the wall when it’s unscrewed, right?

Resident: (Had taken out a cell phone and is dialing) Huh?  Oh, yeah, sure, whatever.  (Holds the phone up to an ear) Excuse me.

Contractor: (Sees the mouse reaching out a tentative paw between the vent cover’s slats, and pats the cover lightly in reassurance) Don’t worry, little buddy – we’ll get you out of there soon.

Resident: (To the phone) Yes, I said “mice”!  An invasion of them!  Now I’m going to have to move out!

Contractor: (Stands; to Resident) I’m just going out to the truck to get a trap – be back in a minute.

Resident: (Distractedly) Yeah, fine, don’t care.  (Back to the phone) What do you mean, you’ll never let me move back in?!  I AM YOUR CHILD!

Contractor: (On the way out) Yeesh.

(Later, Contractor and Resident are in the nearby woods with the trap)

Contractor: (Wearing gloves and holding the trap out to Resident) Want to do the honors?

Resident: (Still on the phone; to Contractor) Are you kidding?!  (Back to the phone) Yes, I want the works!  Fumigation – sterilization – EXTERMINATION!  (Pauses for a few moments) Too bad that it’s not included!

Contractor: (Shakes head slightly, then leans down to release the mouse from the trap onto the ground) Here ya go: be free.  (The mouse does not move; Contractor gently shakes the trap in encouragement) C’mon, get out while the gettin’s good.  (The mouse finally leaves the trap, looks around while sniffing the air, then bolts into the woods without looking back; Contractors stands back up to watch and sighs in contentment) At least that’s a happy ending.

Resident: (To the phone) Bleach – acid – RAZE IT TO THE GROUND!

Contractor: (Walks past Resident) I’ll send you the bill.

Resident: (To the phone) Hold on.  (To Contractor) If I find any more water-impersonating mice in there, I’m not paying a cent!  (Back to the phone) Yes, TOTAL ANNIHILATION!

Contractor: (Mutters) Right now, I envy the mouse.

Story 539: I Want to Break Up With My Internet Service Provider

            (In an apartment, Resident is working on a laptop at the kitchen table)

Resident: (Typing) “As they stared deeply into each other’s eyes, they felt the immense joy that is making the direct leap from Enemies-to-Lovers – ” (There is a knock at the front door) And there goes the muse.  (Resident closes the laptop, walks over to the door, checks the peephole, sighs from the depths, and opens the door to Internet Service Provider, who is holding a bouquet of roses and several gift cards) Oh.  It’s you.

Internet Service Provider: I got your message.

Resident: And?

Internet Service Provider: Can we talk?

Resident: (Starting to close the door) I really don’t have time to go over all this again –

Internet Service Provider: (Falls to knees) Please!  I’m begging you!  In the name of all we’ve been through together!

Resident: (Taken aback in mild disgust) OK, don’t embarrass yourself in front of the neighbors.  (Internet Service Provider stands) I’m listening.

Internet Service Provider: Can I come in?

Resident: What for?  You’re already in – you’re everywhere, actually.

Internet Service Provider: I know, but that’s background ether; this is more personal.

Resident: (Mildly rolls eyes) Fine, come in.  (Allows Internet Service Provider inside, closes the door, and leads the way to the living room for them both to sit on the couch; Internet Service Provider smiles and holds out the roses and gift cards) I’m not accepting any gifts until I’ve heard everything.

Internet Service Provider: Understood.  (Sets the items aside on the couch) So!  We’ve been together for a long time now, haven’t we?

Resident: Yeah, I think about seven years now, right?

Internet Service Provider: Seven years, four months, 10 days, eight hours –

Resident: I get the picture.  Time flies, I guess.

Internet Service Provider: It sure does!  (Stares soulfully into Resident’s eyes) You’ve been happy this whole time, right?  I’ve made you happy this whole time, right?!

Resident: When you’re working right, yeah.

Internet Service Provider: (Smile is now strained) You know certain circumstances are out of my control.

Resident: Oh, I understand when the power’s out, thunderstorms, all that; not your fault, no problem.

Internet Service Provider: Thank you.

Resident: It’s the regular Internet outages on clear sunny days with absolutely nothing else going on that, shall we say, get me down.

Internet Service Provider: Again, that’s due to circumstances outside of my control –

Resident: Such as faulty equipment?

Internet Service Provider: It gets fixed right away, doesn’t it?!

Resident: Usually; I’ll give you that.

Internet Service Provider: (Wails) Then why do you want to leave me??!!

Resident: I told your customer service rep on the phone earlier: you priced yourself out of my budget.

Internet Service Provider: Quality costs money, you know that!

Resident: Then how come the same quality from another company costs almost half of what you charge?

Internet Service Provider: Because they’re sneaky little sell-outs!  You gotta watch your bill with them all the time, and they’d never take care of you like I do!

Resident: (Folds arms) OK then: make me a better offer.

Internet Service Provider: Is that what this is all about?  All our years of devotion to each other, boiled down to a question of mere money?!

Resident: Well, yes: I made that quite clear to your rep when I called.

Internet Service Provider: (Buries head in hands) How crass; how crude!

Resident: How practical.

Internet Service Provider: (Sits back up and sniffs indignantly) Very well: if “Expense” is the only language that you speak now, then I’ll once again prove my dedication and worthiness to you.  (Holds out the gift cards again) I think you’ll find these more than quench your insatiable greed for “reasonable compensation”.

Resident: (Stares at the cards coldly and briefly) Those would maybe cover the overage for a month or two – the new bill increase is forever.  Guess you don’t care about me as much as you claim to, huh.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops the cards, sputtering) But – I – you – inflation!

Resident: And again, your competition seems to be able to handle it while you continue to flounder, with spotty service to boot.

Internet Service Provider: (Draws up in a dignified rage and speaks in an extremely controlled voice) I can knock $25 off the new total.

Resident: One-time or going forward?

Internet Service Provider: Going forward.

Resident: (Does a few mental calculations) Not ideal, but enough for now to keep me from going through the hassle of switching providers and having strangers come in here to rip out all your stuff and then again to put in all new stuff.  That’s a headache, let me tell you.

Internet Service Provider: (Brightens) So, that’s it?  You’re staying?

Resident: (Nods) I’m staying.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops to the floor and grabs Resident’s knees) Oh, thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!!!

Resident: But!  (Internet Service Provider looks up) That bill goes up a single dollar after that and we’re through, got it?

Internet Service Provider: (Avoids Resident’s gaze while gathering up the items) Sure….

Resident: (Narrows eyes at Internet Service Provider, then grabs the flowers and the cards from the latter) And I’m keeping these, for the aggravation alone.

Internet Service Provider: (Stands with Resident) Of course, they’re for you!  Anything you want, everything I have is for you!

Resident: (Ushering Internet Service Provider to the door) Free modem rental, then?

Internet Service Provider: (Stops) Well, when I say “anything” –

Resident: Yeah – bye.  (Shoves Internet Service Provider out the door)

Internet Service Provider: (Leans back inside) Oh, one more thing: when you get the customer satisfaction survey, can you make sure to say how much I value you and how much you appreciate what I’ve done to treat you right and keep you with me forever?

Resident: At the moment, that’s debatable.

Story 296: I Had to Take a Defensive Driving Course

            (Driver is sitting at a kitchen table, sorting and tossing aside 90% of the mail, then sees a large envelope with a car insurance logo as the return address)

            Driver: Ugh – it’s that time of the year again.  (Opens the envelope and flips through several pages, eyes growing ever wider with each page) What – (Flips page) What – (Flips page) What – (Flips page) WHAAAAAAAT????!!!!  (Grabs the phone, dials a number with shaking fingers, and waits for the A.I. to answer) Question on policy…. NO!...  Question on bill…. NO!!!  Premium!  (Slowly shreds pages as the hold music plays)

            Representative: (Voice) Thank you for calling ------- Insurance, this is -------, first may I have all your personal information so I can confirm your identity and possibly steal it later?

            Driver: Fine, everyone else has it by now.  (Answers questions)

            Representative: Right, so now we know you’re you, how may I assist you today?

            Driver: OK, so I know none of this is your fault –

            Representative: Damn straight.

           Driver: – but I just got my annual auto insurance premium in the mail today and the amount has pole vaulted about 100% from last year, even though I’ve miraculously never had any accidents ever, and the car isn’t getting any younger, so, what?

          Representative: Let me see what happened between last year and this…. Ah!  Got it: surcharges and accident payments went up for your state this year.

            Driver: Soooo, you’re saying I have to pay more because everyone else here can’t drive?!

            Representative: Pretty much.  Your state sucks.

            Driver: This is so unfair!

           Representative: You’re not kidding – I wish I could call in a superhero to fight this for you, but they don’t exist so to keep you from jumping ship to another company in the meantime, I can check to see if we can apply any other discounts that aren’t already there… Ooh, did you ever serve in the military?

           Driver: To my shame, no.  And I think I’m too borderline middle-aged now for them to take me.

            Representative: OK; have you taken a defensive driving course lately?

            Driver: Ohhh, no?  No one’s ever told me to.  That’s something that would help?

            Representative: Oh definitely: it shows you take safe driving seriously.

            Driver: I certainly take saving money seriously.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

           (In an office building, Driver enters a semi-full classroom where all the desks have computers)

            Instructor: Hello, you’re here for “Defensive Driving and You”?

            Driver: Yepperz – are we heading out soon or should I park myself here first, heh-heh?

         Instructor: (Chuckles) Oh no, none of you will actually be driving for this – the course is completely electronic.

         Driver: Wait, what?  Why?  There’re all those cones outside, why aren’t we going to be crashing into them?!

          Instructor: Our insurance doesn’t cover road tests.  Think of this as equivalent to a restaurant that’s BYOB: if you want to practice anything you’ve learned here, feel free to do so on your own time and on your own deductible.

            Driver: So I could’ve done this whole course from home then?!

           Instructor: I suppose if you had the Internet access, which not everyone does.  Now, please take a seat: you’re disturbing the rest of the class.

            Driver: (Turns to see everyone else in the room glaring) Oh.  As you were.  (Heads for a spot in the very last row and slumps down in the seat)

            Instructor: All right everyone, please log in with the username and password provided to you earlier.  (Everyone does so) Have the headphones we gave you ready for the audio portions of the program and take as much time as you need for each module, but please note you will be automatically logged out after the course ends in six hours –

            Driver: WHAT?!

           Instructor: – so you must complete the final test by then, or come back another day and pay another fee for the privilege of doing this all over again.  Ready?

            Driver: No.

            Instructor: And begin!  (Reclines on a sofa and brings out a mass market paperback to read)

          Driver: (Puts on headphones, selects the first module of the course, and begins clicking through the slides) [Thinks while watching a video] Wow, the people they picked to drive for this thing are terrible.… Wonder if they did it for the cash?

SIX HOURS LATER

            Instructor: (Jolts awake by a watch beeping) OK, time’s up!  (Sees the whole room is empty except for Driver) Oh good, guess most of them finished early.  (To Driver) You almost done?  The course is going to time you out in about 10 seconds.

          Driver: (Swearing, shaking, and wincing while clicking on answers) Almost… there… (Selects “Submit” on the final test, then buries face in arms on the desk)

            Instructor: (Walks to the back of the room to see Driver’s screen) It’s safe to look.

            Driver: (Looks up sharply at the screen and raises arms in victory) 80%!  I won, I won, I won!

            Instructor: Well, you certainly passed – hit that button and it’ll print out the certificate for you up at the front of the room, and you’ll also get it by e-mail –

            Driver: (Runs to the front of the room and grabs the certificate as it exits the printer) That-was-great-thanks-a-bunch-I-never-want-to-see-you-again-byeeee!!!  (Continues out the door)

          Instructor: (Looks around the empty classroom) And there goes another of my Saturdays.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

          Driver: (On the phone while sorting the mail) But I don’t really wanna go to their party – would they even notice if I was missing?

            Mom: (Voice) Probably not, but then who would I talk to while I’m stuck there?

            Driver: OK, I’ll go for you then – oh.  (Sees a large envelope with a car insurance logo as the return address)

            Mom: What?

            Driver: I think this is my updated car insurance from when I took that course last week.

            Mom: Oh good, it’s always nice when people actually process the paperwork you send them.

            Driver: (Tears apart the envelope and flips through the pages) Yes-yes-yessss!!!  The bill went down, hurrah!

            Mom: Oh honey, I’m so happy for you!  How much lower is it, if you don’t mind me asking?

           Driver: Uh, let’s see…. (Grabs the older taped-up premium that was lying on the kitchen table off to the side, looks back and forth between that and the new premium, and emits a strangled cry)

            Mom: What is it?

            Driver: It went down as much as I paid for the course!!