Story 452: Living in a Tourist Town

A summer morning in a city that never sleeps: the constant traffic that had lessened a bit in the past few hours starts ramping it up from “steady” to “bumper-to-bumper”; stores that were closed only to reset after the business day have opened with the rising sun, lines of customers already circling around the block; the beaches have not a grain of sand uncovered by blankets and chairs; all the tours are in full-swing; and the birds sing the anxiety of the day.

A shift worker driving during through the city mid-morning stops over 50 times in a three-mile commute to avoid hitting cyclists swerving out of the bike lane and pedestrians crossing streets just everywhere.

Worker: (Stopped in the middle of the busy avenue as a whole group of babies cross against the light on their way to the beach) Let’s move to the shore – it’ll be sooooooo relaxing – you can avoid the main road during the summer – not if work is on the main road, now can I?!  (Leans out the driver’s side window) No, no trouble at all, I’ve got nowhere to be in a hurry, you enjoy the easy life you so richly deserve!

Tourist: (To self, while crossing the street) This is my one week off a year….

A refurbished trolley turns onto the avenue at half speed in front of Worker’s car.

Tour Guide 1: (Voice blasting through the trolley’s speakers) And coming up on our left is a house-turned-hostel considered to be the most haunted building in all of –

Worker: (Blares the car horn and leans out the window again) The original building burned down 15 years ago and the ghosts are just the defective central air ductwork!

Tour Guide 1: (Leans out the left front trolley window, still holding the microphone and speaking in a low, deadly voice) Shame on you.

Worker: (Blares the car horn longer) MOVE IT!!!

The trolley, filled with the sounds of children crying, eventually turns down a side street.  Thirty minutes later, Worker finds an opening in the traffic to make a hasty left turn into the seafood restaurant’s parking lot and snags the last spot in the back.

Worker: (Exits the car, stares at the calm exterior of the restaurant belying the chaos within, and then turns to the nearby dock where the day’s specials still are being hauled in) You know, I’ve really gotten to hate fish.

At a nearby park, several adults sit on benches watching their children in the playground.

Adult 1: I actually have a dentist’s appointment later today.

Adult 2: Really?  Your doctor stuck around for August?

Adult 1: Yeah, basically riding it out till retirement.  I can’t walk from my house and expect to get there before tomorrow though, so I gotta leave here in a few minutes if I want to make it on time.

Adult 2: What time’s the appointment?

Adult 1: 3:00.

Adult 2: (Checks watch and sees that it is almost 11 a.m.) Might just about make it.

A charter bus turns into the parking lot and the passengers disembark in groups of 10.

Tour Guide 2: (Speaking through a megaphone) And this little oasis of tranquility is one of the best-kept secrets of –

Adult 1: (Gasps in horror, then quickly gathers belongings as Adult 2 does the same) Playtime’s over, kids – they found the park!

The adults and children run screaming back to their cars and re-enter the collective traffic jam.

At a beach entrance, the badge checker seated in a chair fights the intense sunshine with an umbrella and the intense boredom with a book as a beachgoer approaches with minimal gear.

Beachgoer: Howdy!  (Shows a badge)

Badge Checker: (Stares at it closely) I don’t understand – this is a resident badge.

Beachgoer: Yes indeedy!  Moved here this past winter and been looking forward to finally going to the wonderful beach my taxes are paying for!  (Takes in the brief snippets of ocean between umbrellas and bodies, and sighs) This’ll be great!

Badge Checker: Well, have fun!

Beachgoer: Thanks – stay cool!  (Sets off at a brisk trot across the hot sand)

Badge Checker: (Watches as Beachgoer struggles to find a patch of sand to stake a claim) Poor naïve newb – you’ll learn.  (Sees a horde of badgeless bathers approaching) Ergh – no one for ages, then they all come at once.

In a school, students attending summer session work on their projects when a car full of post-adolescents drives by with loud music blaring.

Driver and Passengers: (All wearing swimsuits and leaning out the car windows to yell at the school) SUCKERS!!!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Student: (Raises hand) Teacher?  Must The Tourists always declare that as they pass our academic institution?

Teacher: Forgive them, children, for one day you too may be The Tourists yourselves.

Students: (In understanding) Ohhhh….

They resume their work as Teacher stares wistfully out the window.

Teacher: As I myself was, long, long ago….

That night, one of the 200 ice cream parlors in the city has a never-ending line as the college-student employees struggle to keep up.

Employee: (Mutters while walking from the cash register back to the front counter and seeing the formless crowd that awaits) We really need a ticket system like a supermarket deli counter – (Louder) Next?!

Customer: Ooh, me!  (Looks intensely at the cases holding the different ice cream flavors) Ummm, let me think….

Employee: You’ve been on line for at least 10 minutes and there are several signs listing the choices on the way in.

Customer: I know, but I need to see them for myself… ummm… OK, could I have the peanut butter chocolate, please?

Employee: (Stifles a scream) That’s the carton that’s empty.

Customer: Oh, sorry!  None in the back, then?

Employee: It wouldn’t have stayed there long.

Customer: Gotcha.  (Starts looking at the flavors again) Ummmm….

Employee: (Looks up at the front door and sees the line outside has tripled) The one with peanut butter cups is similar if you want something like that.

Customer: (Finds that in the case) Um, nah, I’d want more chocolate ice cream, this one’s vanilla.  Ummmm....

Employee: (Sees the line has quadrupled) Would you like a few more minutes and I’ll serve you after the next – ?

Customer: Oooh, I got it!  Plain chocolate, please.

Employee: …Cone or cup?

Customer: Ummmm… which do you recommend?

Employee: Neither: we’re not allowed to influence customers’ decisions.

Customer: Oh, ummmm, cup then, please.

Employee: Small, medium, or large?

Customer: Definitely large – go all out when you’re on vacation, am-I-right?

Employee: Yeah.  (Creates the order and rings it up at the register; Customer adds a tip to the jar before Employee hands over the cup) Thank you – enjoy.

Customer: (Starting on the ice cream) Oh I will.  It must be hard working here, surrounded by all this yummy, yummy ice cream, so tempting!

Employee: (Stares out at the quintupled line of customers crowding the front door) Not especially, no.

In a supermarket, a shopper arrives with a full cart at the front register.

Cashier: (While ringing up the items) Oh, hi!  I haven’t seen you in a while, but I only just got switched back to nights recently.

Shopper: That’s a bummer.

Cashier: It’s OK, I requested it – summer daytime hours were getting to be too much with all the you-know-whos all over the place here; it’s actually rather peaceful working late nights while they’re off seafood-dinnering and ice-cream-sundaeing and miniature-golfing and bar-hopping and after-hours-pool-trespassing and after-hours-beach-trespassing and – yeah.

Shopper: Don’t I know it; why do you think I always shop here after 9 at night?

Cashier: Smart.  Dodge the crowds and no waiting on lines, either.

Shopper: Darn tootin’.

As the full moon shines down on the gatherings for movies-on-the-beach, diner cruises, casual strollers, cyclists out for one last thrill, and overtired children vainly struggling against the dreaded bedtime, the shift worker drives home from the restaurant covered in food detritus.

Worker: (Crawling through stop-and-go traffic on the main avenue) When am I gonna find time to vacuum the house now that I’ve got a double-shift tomorrow?  When’s my vacation from this vacation town?  I think I’ll book a getaway to the Pine Barrens.  (Stops as the traffic light changes again, balefully watches the crowd continuously surging toward the beach promenade, then looks up and sees the moon shining brightly over the soothing ocean waves) Ahhhhh…. It’s a view like this that makes it all worth it.  (A party parade suddenly appears in the middle of the street, club music blares from everywhere, and revelers dance around the cars that are now at a standstill.  Worker’s eyes glaze over while taking in the scene) And then, something like this happens.

Story 351: Don’t Let a Slight Monster Invasion Ruin Your Vacation

         (A bus stops at the corner of an intersection in a shore town; among the passengers disembarking is Tourist, dragging a rolling suitcase.  Standing on the sidewalk across from the beach, Tourist takes a huge breath and sighs loudly)

            Tourist: At last – peace is mine.

        (Tourist checks into a nearby motel, unpacks, changes into a bathing suit, and immediately dives into the crowded pool)

            Guests: (In the pool and on the surrounding deck, all now drenched) Hey!

            Tourist: Sorry!  But we are all here to get wet, are we not?

            Lifeguard: Roughhouser.

          (Tourist dog paddles around for a minute, then sits on the edge of the pool steps for half an hour)

           Tourist: (Watches as a volleyball game somehow fits in the pool) Yep, can’t get any better than this.  (Sips a soft drink from the poolside bar)

            (A giant shadow falls over the land; everyone looks up to see the Sun momentarily blocked)

            Guest 1: Is that a bird?

            Guest 2: Silly, no bird is that big!  Looks more like a butterfly.

            (As the shadow passes, a loud roar is heard that shakes the ground and buildings)

            Tourist: (Watches the rippling pool waves).  Interesting.  Is it migration season now?

          Lifeguard: (Reads a cell phone text) OK, listen up: a state of emergency’s been declared, so everybody outta the pool!  (Everybody groans)

            Guest 3: Already?  We saw that thing literally two seconds ago!

     Lifeguard: (Points to the sky in horror) But now there’s them – RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!  (Vaults over the pool deck and flees down the street)

          (Guests look up and simultaneously scream as they see the flock of giant butterflies roaring across the sky, following the same path into town as their leader.  Everyone grabs as much of their things as they can, sliding across the wet ground as they tumble off the pool deck and back to their rooms for en masse check-out)

            Tourist: (Seeing that Guests and the flying flock are all gone, hauls off the pool steps and back to the diving board) That worked out nicely – now where was I?  (Repeatedly cannonballs into the pool)

            (Later that afternoon, Tourist drags a chair and gear across the street to the beach entrance)

           Tourist: (Peers into the empty beach tag station, looks around, then tosses $6 into the booth) Least I know I did the right thing.  (Sets up the chair, an umbrella, and a radio on the nearly empty beach and settles in to read a trashy novel.  The waves gradually become choppier, faint screams are heard in the distance, and the few people on the beach become more panicky as they noisily pack their gear; Tourist turns up the radio without looking up from the book)

            Beachgoer: (Runs to Tourist while carrying an umbrella) Hey – you might want to pack it up, that thing’s gonna be here any minute!

            Tourist: (Finally looks up) What thing – the beach cleaner?

            Beachgoer: No – that!  (Points out to the ocean, where a giant mutated salamander is making its way to the shore)

           Tourist: Oh, that?  Let’s see now – (Pulls out a calculator and begins typing) judging by its estimated mass and acceleration, its velocity then would be reduced by the tidal force and – (Licks finger, holds it up in the air, and nods) wind drag, along with its approach opposite to the Earth’s rotation, I’d say we have a good – (Hits “=” on the calculator) 8.17 minutes before it makes landfall.  (Looks back at Beachgoer) But thanks for the heads-up!  (Returns to the novel)

            Beachgoer: Nutter.  (Runs away screaming)

          Tourist: (Notices that the ocean is receding steadily; sighs in annoyance and begins to pack up.  To the creature) If you’re going to take the waves with you then there’s no point to this whole thing, now is there?!  (Sulks back to the nearly empty motel)

            (That evening, Tourist is on the room’s telephone as a mini-tidal wave gently laps at the first-floor windows)

           Tourist: What do you mean, the restaurant had to unexpectedly close – you guys never close!... Yes, I understand that a multi-headed creature who keeps growing more heads as others are chopped off is there, but really, if they were bringing such a large party then they should follow the same rules as everyone else and make a reservation!... Hello?

            (Later that night, Tourist strolls on a boardwalk as people occasionally run past in the opposite direction, screaming)

           Tourist: (Shakes head) The crowds certainly are rowdier this year.   (Stops at the entrance of an amusement pier and see the giant mutated salamander is at the other end, tearing through the rides and eating them)  Ugh!  And I was finally going to ride the Ferris wheel here, you jerk!  (Police and military arrive to do battle with the creature) A bit late, but thanks anyway!

            (Down a side street, Tourist finds a lone ice cream parlor still open)

            Tourist: (To Cashier) Hi, just a raspberry ice, please – you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get any kind of summer vacation experience here tonight!

           Cashier: (Ducks when hearing large flapping sounds and roaring overheard while handing over the ice) Yeah, the owner said we could stay open if we want: I need the tips for my college fund.

           Tourist: Ah yes, I remember those days.  (Hands over some bills and winks) Keep the change!  (Begins eating the ice while breezing out through the exit)

            Cashier: (Sees the change is 57¢) …Thanks?

            (Tourist finds a bench facing the slightly calmer ocean and settles down to finish the ice while several giant creatures fling around the abandoned cars that are jamming up the streets)

           Tourist: (Turns around slightly at the noise of crashing metal and honking horns) Hm – is there a parade scheduled for tonight?  (Hears a roar, turns back to the ocean, and sees a dragon lighting up the sky) Oooh, fireworks, I almost forgot!  (Tosses the empty ice cup into a nearby trash can and stretches across the back of the bench to watch the fire blaze across the sky and listen to the cacophony in the background) Aaaaahhhh, it’s so great just to get away from it all.