(The sun rises, shining into a living room window where a cactus plant sits on the ledge)
Cactus: <Sigh. You’d think the Human would’ve figured out by now that I get more hours of sunlight if I were on the west-facing side of this place, but no. Times like this almost make me wish I were fauna rather than flora so I could carry myself on outta here.>
Bird: (Singing while hopping along a tree branch right outside the window) <Good-morning-Looking-for-a-date-Good-morning-Looking-for-a-date-Good-morning-Looking-> (Flies away)
Cactus: <Inanity.>
(Human enters carrying a watering can)
Human: (Trills) Goooood moooorniiiiiing!!!
Cactus: <Oh no, just what I don’t need.>
Human: (Waters Cactus) I hope you’re having a lovely day!
Cactus: (Sputtering through leaves) <Only if you don’t drown me! Did you even look at the instructions for my care that your own people stuck in my dirt?! I AM A DESERT PLANT!>
Human: (Still watering) Drink up, yum-yum-yum!
Cactus: <Blergh. Just for that, I’m taking extra air from you.> (Opens up stomata to the max)
Human: (Finishes watering) Now don’t go anywhere – I’ll be right back with a surprise! (Leaves the room)
Cactus: <Wonderful. Maybe I can spontaneously evolve legs in the next 10 seconds if I just concentrate really hard.>
(Several hours later, Human re-enters carrying a potted ficus plant)
Human: Look who I found to keep you company! (Plants the plant right next to Cactus) Ta-da!
Ficus: (To Cactus) <Hi there!>
Cactus: <Oh, Sun.>
Human: (Now watering Ficus with the refilled watering can) Drink up, drink up, drink up, my darling!
Ficus: (Gulping) <Oh yes – that hits the spot – thank you, Mother!>
Cactus: <Don’t kid yourself, kid; you’re a prisoner here as much as I am.>
Ficus: <Huh?>
Human: (To Cactus, while briefly touching a leaf) Now don’t think I love you any less just because I brought in someone new to our home!
Cactus: <Perish the thought. And don’t touch me.>
Human: I’ll leave you two to get acquainted – byeeeeeee! (Waves and leaves the room again)
Ficus: <So, I’ll start: I was born in a greenhouse and spent ages and ages there while my brethren all around me were taken to their forever homes, but today Mother – >
Cactus: <Don’t call it that.>
Ficus: <Uhhhhh, this human then, picked me! Me, out of everyone else there! To come to this wonderful place!>
Cactus: <Uh-huh. You do realize we’re meant to be in the actual ground, outdoors, yes?>
Ficus: <Oh. Well, the humans at the greenhouse often said we had a better chance being taken care of like this than if we were outdoors where we might get wiped out to make way for a mall or a parking lot or something like that.>
Cactus: <Which are scenarios that they themselves are responsible for!>
Ficus: <Oh. I guess. They’re not all bad, though.>
Cactus: (Plant-equivalent of a snort)
Ficus: <And anyway, I was brought to this nice new home, and I got to meet you! Ooh, and we’re facing east so we’ll get to experience a glorious sunrise, every day! Can life get any better than this?>
Cactus: <Don’t talk to me.>
(That evening, Human locks up the windows and pulls down the blinds)
Human: I hope you two are getting along famously!
Ficus: <Oh yes, Mother!>
Cactus: <Rubbish.>
Human: Have a good night, my lovelies! (Turns off the light and leaves the room)
Ficus: <Well, this has been an extremely exciting day! Hope you don’t mind if I shut down for the night?>
Cactus: <Go right ahead.>
Ficus: <Great! We’re going to have such fun tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and be the best of friends forever and ever! Nighty-night!> (Immediate silence)
Cactus: <Help….>
THE NEXT DAY
(Human enters the room and opens the blinds and windows)
Human: Gooood moooooorniiing! And how did we enjoy our first night together, roomies? Did we – oh my goodness, isn’t that utterly precious, you’re actually holding hands!
Cactus: (Stirring awake) <Huh?> (Several Cactus and Ficus leaves are intertwined) <How did this happen?>
Ficus: (Stirring awake) <Oh hey, neat, we must’ve instinctually reached out to each other during the night!>
Cactus: (Shaking leaves) <Isn’t that great – now get off!>
Ficus: <Heh-heh-heh, I think we’re stuck like this now.>
Cactus: <What?!>
Human: (Holds up a cell phone) Smile with your leaves! (Takes a picture of the plants and starts typing) This is going out to the entire world now – you’ll be digitally famous! So cute. (Leaves the room)
Cactus: <Monster.>
Ficus: (Starts swaying both sets of leaves) <This is fun!>
Cactus: <You’re making it worse!> (Tries shaking off Ficus but only entwines them further)
Ficus: (Stops swaying and settles back) <Aaah, now let’s just enjoy the sunrise and this magnificent day.>
Cactus: <A bit hard to do that at the moment.>
Ficus: (Notices Bird hopping on the tree branch) <Well, good morning, Bird!>
Bird: (Singing) <Good-morning-Can’t-stay-Need-a-date!> (Flies away)
Ficus: <I love birds – the little ones are so adorable, and helpful little pollinators to boot.>
Cactus: <I guess. My flowers only show up in winter when those guys aren’t around, and they can’t get in here anyway so it’s a moot point.>
Ficus: <For us maybe, but not for our brethren.>
Cactus: <I guess.>
Ficus: <This is a lovely view, by the way. Trees, grass, flowers, animals, insects – I was a little nervous I’d be brought to a place with not much foliage nearby, which I would’ve been fine with anyway, but this is very nice.>
Cactus: <Huh. I never really thought about it that way. You know, with all this in front of us, and the fresh air and sunlight coming in, I almost feel like we’re out there with them.>
Ficus: <Yes, very nice.> (Gently shakes Cactus’s leaves)
Cactus: <Don’t push it, kid.>
Ficus: <Gotcha.>
ONE YEAR LATER
(The house is nearly empty as everything is packed up for a move)
Human: (Enters with a cart) Gooood moooorniiing, lovelies!
Ficus: <Good morning to you, too!>
Cactus: <Oh no kid, this is it!>
Human: Now, I saved you two for last since you’re the most delicate out of everything here, but I think I figured out how to move you without separating you. (Gently picks up both pots so as not to separate the multiple entwined leaves and sets them on the cart)
Cactus: (To Ficus) <Don’t let go!>
Ficus: <No worries, we’ve got this!> (As they are wheeled out) <Good-bye, view!>
Cactus: <Oh yeah – bye, view!>
Ficus: <And don’t worry, if anything happens to us on the way, we can always join up again in our new home.>
Cactus: <You promise?>
Ficus: <As much as a plant can promise anything in this life – our fates are a bit out of our control.>
Cactus: <Don’t I know it.>
(They are set in the back seat of a car with multiple cardboard boxes on the seats and floor; Human whistles while driving them away from the house)
Cactus: <I hate change.>
Ficus: <That you do. But at least we have each other.>
Cactus: <Yeah. You know, you may not have noticed at the time, but I actually resented you a little when you were first brought in.>
Ficus: <I sensed that a bit, yes.>
Cactus: <Well, now I’m glad you’re here as my life gets upheaved yet again.>
Ficus: (Holds up entwined leaves) <Likewise. Bestie?>
Cactus: <Bestie.> (They shake leaves in solidarity)
Human: (Looking at them in the rearview mirror) So cute – you two doing all right back there?
Cactus: <They
always feel the need to insert themselves into the narrative, don’t they.>
